The More Things Change (2023)

Mission 000: Prologue [N/A]
Jakey wakes up with a lampshade on his head, tied to a chair. "oh MAN that was some party last night" "GOOD you're awake!!!" A man in a grey suit snatches the lampshade off of Jakey's head. "hey wait this isn't the IHOP" "very perceptive, o prince of canada" "hey thanks i've always prided myself on being a good uh perception guy" "it shows; i bet you'll even see THIS coming" The man whacks Jakey over the head with a wooden plank. "ow" "my name is chuck; give me the diamonds or i will be forced to break more planks over your head!!!" Chuck steps aside to reveal a giantic stack of wooden planks. "where'd you get all those planks" "plankz Я us was having a sale; buy one at regular price, get one at regular price" "oh shit is that still going on" "yes the sale ends friday" "aw shit man gotta get me out to the store to buy some planks" Jakey's chair begins to hop all over the place in Jakey's excitement. "struggle as you may, you will never break that rope!!! it was mastercrafted by the finest underage craftsmen in all beijing!!!" "oh damn man could you untie me please i've got to go take advantage of the bargains!!!" Suddenly, a knife falls down and cuts the rope holding Jakey's left hand. "hey thanks" "WHO-" A furious kick comes out of the blue from a man wearing his trademark cowboy hat and his autographed 'Make America Great Again' t-shirt. "SHERIFF ANTONY have you heard about the deals too!!!" "yes; we must go take advantage of these sweet deals" Sheriff Antony lays down some suppressing fire as Jakey unties his other hand. Unfortunately, Sheriff Antony can only lay down six shots before he has to reload. This gives Chuck enough time to huck his gun straight into the air, hitting a button which causes a trapdoor to open underneath his feet. Chuck falls down into his speedboat and speeds off, giggling like a madman. "is he just going to leave his planks here" "DUDE let's load this shit up into the sheriff antonymobile!!!" "fuck yes"  Michelle rapels down the rope attached to the crow's nest of the ship. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/all of the stuff you have on your save files from the 'A Thing' series/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 001: All's Well That Ends Well [Sheriff Antony]
"oh jakey good there you are; while you were in reverse-hibernation for the summer, the race war between the pixingtons and the slimes has come to an end" "oh boy i knew that if i just sat around and did nothing, things would eventually resolve themselves" "indeed" "so who won" "the pixingtons won in a complete upset victory" "oh no who was upset" "crazy svart had bet all his money on the slimes so now he's pretty upset that he lost all his dealerships" "oh nice" "also your sister lost her home" "WHAT" "i mean she got a new one immediately afterward in the same exact place but she was pretty upset at the time" "oh good" Michelle walks up and nods, happy that things have been righted. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Svart of Darkness missions]

Mission 002: The More Things Change [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey we've got reports of another race war" "already?!" "yeah the shirts and the skins are going at it pretty hard down at the old ball field" "man i hate those damn skins; thinking they're too good for us shirts but taking advantage of our shirtly weaknesses" "indeed; i've already loaded up the tear gas" "let's roll" Jakey and Sheriff Antony roll on down to the old ball field. "sheriff why didn't you tell me that the skins team was entirely made up of women" "i need a new reporter; i would have brought the video camera instead of the tear gas" The two men sit in the stands and ogle with their entire focus on the skins team. Eventually, the game ends and the skins team is declared the winner. "gg no re" "PLEASE allow us a re" "we'll think about it" Ruth walks over to the bench to drink from her water bottle, but her squeeze pops off the cap, soaking her chest. Kathy rushes up to get an interview. "kathy from kathy sports; ruth, how are you feeling after your landmark surprise trade from the shirts to the skins" "i can't begrudge anyone for it; my shirt didn't pass inspection unfortunately so i was forced onto the skins team; same with every other woman here" "god bless those inspection standards" "they are what separate us from the animals" Michelle walks up, having been named the MVP of the skins team. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ruth missions]

Mission 003: The More They Stay the Same [Svart of Darkness]
"hey svarto nice cardboard box" "yeah yeah yuk it up; we will see who is yukking when i get just five more evil tickets and can afford that evil mansion" "knowing you, you'll probably waste all your evil tickets on evil hot dogs before then" "oh have you not gotten the memo? jezzie used her demonic magicks to change the word 'hot dog' to 'glizzy'" "what how does that make sense" "she's a true visionary; you will see all that we will accomplish together once i finally KILL THAT PIXINGTON and marry jezzie" "good luck with that" "you will see once i get six more evil tickets" Svart of Darkness begins munching on his hot dog. Michelle walks up with five of them in her mouth. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions/Amber missions]

Mission 004: A Sense of Accomplishment [Svart of Darkness]
"check it out jakey; i finally got those seven evil tickets i needed to get THIS baby" "what did you do to earn those eight tickets" "i attempted to counterfeit all my evil tickets and instead of scolding me for trying to game the system, jezzie just gave me nine tickets!!! i even had enough for a celebratory glizzy" "can we please stop calling them that" "no" Jakey sighs and follows Svart of Darkness into his new mansion. Jakey immediately falls into a trap door, and Svart of Darkness receives ten evil tickets. Jakey looks up and glares at Svart of Darkness, who is happily clutching his nine evil tickets and munching on a hot dog. "what the fuck man" "hey jakey bro check behind you" Jakey turns around and immediately leaps out of the trap door in fright. "I'VE GOT A BONE TO PICK WITH YOU" Jakey rushes out of the mansion as Bonerietta chases him down. Svart of Darkness gains fifteen evil tickets for such a thing, and immediately spends one on another hot dog. Jakey runs and runs until Michelle smacks Bonerietta with a frying pan, knocking her out temporarily. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/hot dog t-shirt]

Mission 005: Inspects for Defects [Ruth]
"good jakey i need your help; i am going to inspect this bubblybath but i need you to guard the door and only come in if i yell 'BARLEY MALT EXTRACT'" "you can count on me" Ruth turns and grabs her rubby ducker and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a not-so-jolly tune. "♫i get up in the evening, and i ain't got nothing to say; i come home in the morning, and i wake up feeling the same way♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Gwendolyn walks up. "jakey is ruth in there? i need her to inspect this controller for me" Gwendolyn holds up a controller completely covered in melted marshmallow. "even i can tell you that that one doesn't work" "i need it in writing so i can cancel the stream tonight; there's an alabama vice marathon i'm dying to see" "well ruth is currently in the bath, as you can hear" "♫YOU CAN'T START A FIRE; YOU CAN'T START A FIRE WITHOUT A SPARK♫" "why does everyone just take baths lately; it's really inconvenient, especially when the jolly tunes they're singing are four whole minutes!!! back in my day, songs were considered overly long at two!!!" "are you done" "that depends, is scarlett coming out soon" "she's only on the second verse" "then i most certainly am not done" Gwendolyn continues to rant up and down about 'the good old days', until Ruth exits the bath. "okay michelle your bath has passed inspection; you can hop right in" "OH BOY" Michelle jumps into her pre-inspected bubbly bath. "♫i feel a hunger; it's a hunger that tries to keep a man awake at night♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune (already knowing that Michelle would yell "CALCIUM CARBONATE" if she were in danger in the bath), Gwendolyn and Ruth begin to converse. "so what do you need gwendo" "could you inspect this controller" Ruth glances at the controller for half a second before stamping it "FAILED". "thanks!!!" "♫TAKE ME HOME TONIGHT; I DON'T WANT TO LET YOU GO TIL YOU SEE THE LIGHT♫"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 006: Onto the Next One [Jezzie]
"hey jezzie did you enjoy the race war" "no" "really?" "it was so BORING!!! barely anyone died!!!" "oh shame" "i'll say; the slimes SURRENDERED!!! so to get back at them, i have decided to create a giant salt shaker that is tilted menacingly above their country" "oh can you make it big enough to blot out the sun in front of my apartment? i hate that thing" "oh sure" "so are there any more race wars in the pipeline" "wights vs orcs seems imminent" "that sounds like a slaughter" "the best kind of race war" "that's fair; there aren't any cute wight girls so i don't really care if they get slaughtered" "hmm jakey tell me: what do you not like about wights" "the missing nose is a huge turn-off" "okay be right back" Jezzie walks off and returns with a pale girl. "this is akari shirai she is a japanese wight" "my plan worked!!! i mean hello there" "hi; jezzie told me to give you my phone number" "i will make good use of it" "i'm sure you will" "see aren't wights the greatest" "sure are" "so you're not going to interfere in the race war right" "right" "good; i will now release your sister" "my wha-" Michelle is flung out of a jail cell by demonic magic. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Akari missions]

Mission 007: An Unexpected Diversion [Jezzie]
"jakey i am feeling really great right now but you know what would make me feel even better?! a relaxing bubblybath!!! please stay and listen to my jolly tune!!! only come in if i yell 'ANNATTO EXTRACT'" "can do" Jezzie turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫i left alone; my mind was blank; i needed time to think to get the memories from my mind♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Julia runs up with her guitar. "you can hear iron maiden from a mile off, i take it" "yes sir; allow me to jam outside this bathroom door" "okay" "♫SIX! SIX SIX! THE NUMBER OF THE BEAST! HELL! AND FIRE! WAS SPAWNED TO BE RELEASED!♫" "aw yeah that's the good shit" Soon, Jezzie exits the bath. "did you enjoy the performance" "yes very much; your voice is that of a generation!!! or several!!!" "i am glad you enjoyed it; please take a copy of my covers album" Jezzie hands Julia a copy of an album containing nothing but songs about Satan. "all the best songs are about satan" "i don't know why they even bother making songs about anything else" Michelle walks up and hands Julia her own rubber ducky so she too can sing in the bath. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Julia missions]

Mission 008: All's Fine That Ends Fine [Amber]
"jakey jakey you missed it; the slimes surrendered to us" "so i've heard" "so did that sophia lady torture that particular girl for me like i asked her to" "yes; she is traumatised for life" "good good!!! i am happy to finally leave my secret bunker and return to selling cars" "it seems like quite a line has built up while you've been away" "indeed it seems; excuse me" Amber flutters over to the head of the line, where The Great Cheryl teleports instantly to the front of the line from within her dwelling. "hey i was here first" "yet i am at the front of the line" "because you cut in front!!!" "because i am important, whereas you are unimportant" "i can't argue with that one" Unimportant hangs her head. "now-" "LINE INSPECTION" "WHAT" "all right my name is ruth barlow; i am from the inspection board" "a line inspection now of all times?!" "hmmm miss you've cut in front of everyone; get to the back of the line" The Great Cheryl glares at Ruth, and uses her magic to punt her into the ocean. "so um how may i help you miss the great cheryl" "yeah i need to saw a car in half for my magic show; do you have any ugly ones" "oh right this way" Amber leads The Great Cheryl to the "ugly cars" section. Michelle drives up in her new monster truck. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sophia missions/Mary missions/The Great Cheryl missions/Unimportant missions/Ruth missions]

Mission 009: Virtue and Vice [Gwendolyn]
"hey gwendolyn how's the alabama vice marathon going" "oh it's great; i always loved their pastel-coloured suits" "same; i wish they'd make a comeback" "i wish for that every day" "i once petitioned the king bran to do just such a thing but he doesn't like the 80s" "WHAT" "i know it's weird" "how could a man so out of touch be put in power?!" "his predecessor tried to get the 80s banned as they were happening" "jesus" "he always said that the 70s were great and there was no reason the 80s shouldn't have just been a direct sequel" "the 70s sucked" "i'll take your word for it" "oh commercial's over; let us watch" Jakey and Gwendolyn and Michelle watch the marathon. Michelle trembles as she munches on her popcorn. "NO DON'T GO INTO THE BASEMENT" "it's not that kind of show michelle" "oh i thought this was horror movie night" Michelle looks at her popcorn, embarrassed. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions]

Mission 010: Bright Wight Light [Akari]
"hello there akari; what is being a wight like" "it's cool; i'm happy i didn't become a shitty undead like a ghost or a vampire and ESPECIALLY a zombie" "so what do you do as a wight" "well i am a spirit of revenge so i mostly just live a normal life but when someone does something to mildly inconvenience me, instead of grumbling under my breath, i kill the offending individual" "ME TOO!!! it's so cathartic" "i know right" "more people should be like you wights" "you know what they say: wight makes right" "so will you be participating in the upcoming race war against the orcs" "if they offend me specifically, yes, but i have no bone to pick with them" All of a sudden, a skeletal figure rises from within Akari's laundry. "SPEAKING OF BONES TO PICK" "OH GOD NO" Jakey turns to run away, but Akari grabs Bonerietta by the skull and crushes it. "wow thanks" "like i said: i was enjoying our conversation and she annoyed me by ending it prematurely so i killed her" "oh uh nice" All of a sudden the phone rings. "sorry excuse me while i find and kill this telemarketer" "go right ahead" While Akari is distracted, Michelle sneaks up, scared. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/wight power t-shirt]

Mission 011: At the Sight of a Wight [Akari]
"hey akari what's up" "oh i realised that i'm a japanese wight and should probably embrace my native culture more" "okay so what" "i am going to try this 'sushi' thing" "oh i've never had it" "ORDER UP" Sara places a plate of sushi in front of Akari. "you didn't cook my fish" "um correct" "and you expect me to eat this?!" "um that's kind of what sushi is" "disgusting" "w-well-" "you have inconvenienced me for the first and last time" Akari draws her mighty wight blade and attempts to slice Sara in half. Unfortunately, it's a hologram. The hologram disappears. "oh well i'm sure she got the message; she will certainly never inconvenience me again" "we can only hope" Akari places her sushi into the oven to cook it herself. Soon, it is fully cooked and ready to be eaten. "this doesn't taste very good" "and it's expensive; look at these prices" "jesus christ; i'm glad i got the hologram shut down so she can't pester me about not paying for this shit" Akari dumps her sushi into the trash can, on top of Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Kathy Sushi t-shirt]

Mission 012: An Inconvenient Time [Julia]
"okay jakey since i have received this duck made of rubber, i feel i must put it to good use and have a bubbly bath; could you please guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'TITANIUM DIOXIDE'" "got it" Julia grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath, ready to sing the jolliest of tunes. "♫up here in space, i'm looking down on you; my lasers trace everything you do♫" As Jakey hops and bops along to the tune, River-Girl suddenly shows up in the park. "jakey i've got to talk to the park manager" "she's in the bath and is not to be disturbed" "PLEASE i NEED a crime-fighting permit so i can stop those teenagers from vandalising the statue" "no one gets past" "♫I'M MADE OF METAL, MY CIRCUITS GLEAM; I AM PERPETUAL, I KEEP THE COUNTRY CLEAN♫" "see?! i need to keep the statue clean!!! this is an emergency!!!" "no one gets past" River-Girl sighs and waits patiently alongside Jakey. Soon, Julia exits the bath. "MISS JULIA i need a crime-fighting permit so i can stop those teenagers from vandalising the statue!!!" "oh yes i-wait they've already vandalised it!!!" "OH NO" "this is all your fault" "pardon?" "if you'd only asked for the permit EARLIER you'd have had it when you needed it!!! some superhero you are!!!" River-Girl glares at Julia, and takes all the water out of Julia's hair, then flings it at her face. "HEY where's your flinging water at my face permit?!" Michelle walks up and flings water at Julia's face, then shows her permit. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/River-Girl missions]

Mission 013: Frivolous to the Core [Julia]
"jakey can you believe this frivolous lawsuit this chick is trying to lay on me" "what is it" "she's saying i'm 'discriminating' against her for kicking her out of the park" "why did you kick her out" "she was terminally ill in the park without a permit!!! rules are rules jakey!!!" "man that is a frivolous lawsuit; no frivols at all" Jakey peeks at the lawsuit documents after showing his peeking permit, and is relieved to see that the terminally ill girl in question was not Victorrhea. "okay back off now; your peek is turning into a peer and i doubt you have a peering permit" "oh sorry" "i'd throw this document into the trash if i had the proper permits, but i gave the last one away" Jakey looks over to see Michelle hucking paper after paper into the trash can. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Victorrhea missions]

Mission 014: Desecrated and Decorated [Sophia]
"hey jakey check out my medal" Sophia flashes her medal of valour. "wow" "mr. shooty has one too!!!" Sophia flashes Mr. Shooty's medal of valour. "sick" "yeah we're war heroes to those pixingtons now; it's pretty sweet" "does the medal get you any advantages" "oh yeah i got a pixington maid which is really handy and also they gave me a coupon for 20% off at pixington burger" "nice a whole 20%" "yeah i would have been happy with 15 but they went above and beyond" "i can see that" "OH OH and they gave me this pixington-shaped backscratcher" Sophia runs the pixington in her hand up and down her back. "i think that's a real pixington" "oh sorry there little lady; the last pixington i tried to use as a backscratcher screamed the whole time so i assumed you were inanimate" "I LIVE TO SERVE MA'AM" "man i should have become a war hero years ago" "now i kind of wish i hadn't just sat around avoiding the problem all this time" "oh well, live and learn" Michelle walks up and borrows Sophia's backscratcher. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/war hero Sophia t-shirt]

Mission 015: A Hero's Due [Sophia]
"jakey jakey check it out; they're unveiling a statue of me in pixington square" Jakey looks out the window and sees the statue of Sophia, patron saint of the pixingtons, rendered in marble with her own pair of wings. "wow that's really nice" "i am totally going to let this go to my head" "i don't see how you could avoid it; i don't think you could possibly think higher of yourself than they seem to think of you" "OH OH and check it out; they're unveiling the statue of mr. shooty as well!!!" Jakey looks out the window again and sees the statue of Mr. Shooty, the other patron saint of the pixingtons, rendered in marble with his own pair of wings. "we've finally made it mr. shooty" Sophia gives Mr. Shooty a big hug. Michelle gives her own gun, Sir Bang Bang, a hug as well. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/war hero Mr. Shooty t-shirt]

Mission 016: Brushed Out [Mary]
Jakey walks into his apartment to find Mary dangling out of an air vent, using a human-sized toothbrush to clean. "uh noriko why is mary cleaning instead of you" "the vents aren't technically part of your apartment, so i am not required to clean them" "fair enough" "AND HERE WE GO" Mary yanks and yanks until she removes the blockage from the vent. "what the fuck is that thing" "this was in the vent, blocking proper air flow sir" "yeah but what IS it" "it looks like a giant wad of chewing gum" "ew" "i'd take it to the dump but there's currently a race war going on" "actually no, the race war ended recently" "oh sick who won" "the pixingtons" "sweet" "yeah they even built a statue to the war hero sophia" Mary's eyes go wide as the memories flood back into her brain. "oh right the ptsd" While Mary has a panic attack in place, Jakey boxes up the wad of gum and puts it out for the post lady to take to the dump. "THE TRASH MUST ALWAYS GO THROUGH!!!" Before the post lady leaves, she drops off Michelle. "hey where's my wad of chewing gum?!" "uh-" "oh whatever; take me home"
[reward: respect +/Noriko missions/Sophia missions]

Mission 017: Healthy Behaviour [Mary]
"hey mr jakey sir if it's all right with you i'd like to stay here forever to avoid going home and seeing a statue of that monster each and every day" "yeah that's fair" "nice thank you sir" "so what's that you're working on now" "well noriko told me that that monster has come into the apartment via zipline before and broken the windows so i am reinforcing the windows" "how am i supposed to see through them if they're covered with a sheet of titanium" "have you ever looked through the window before" "no but that doesn't mean i wouldn't want to in the future" "fine i'll go buy some invisible titanium" "thank you" Just then, the window shatters. "OH NO" Mary flies out for cover as Sophia ziplines into the apartment. "hey jakey check out this cool wad of chewing gum i found at the dump" Sophia holds up a glass container containing the same wad of chewing gum from mission 016. "uh wow" "man i wish i'd had this last year; i could have stuffed that one pixington into it" "DEAR GOD NO" "did you hear something" "no" "HEY THAT'S MY WAD OF CHEWING GUM" Michelle yanks the glass container from Sophia's arms. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/wad of chewing gum t-shirt]

Mission 018: Magical Interference [The Great Cheryl]
"okay jason behold in wonder at my new trick" The Great Cheryl cleanly saws her ugly car in half, then walks over to the driver's side door with the intention of putting around the stage in a half-car. A ca, if you will. "CAR INSPECTION" Ruth runs up and begins looking the ca up and down. "this is only half a car and inspection rules state you need a whole car so i will be taking this bye" Ruth crams the ca and the r into a box truck and speeds off. "oh goddammit not again" "has this happened before" "every fucking time i get the car sawn in half, that roscoe woman appears to inspect the car and runs off with it!!!" "she's probably mad about mission 008 when magically punted her into the ocean" "two wrongs don't make a right" "actually, the king bran just passed a new law stating that two wrongs legally make a right now" "oh dammit" The Great Cheryl conjures another car and saws it in half. "CAR INSPECTION" "FUCK" Ruth loads the new ca and the new r into the back of her truck and drives off. The Great Cheryl conjures yet another car, but this one has Michelle inside of it. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/ca t-shirt/r t-shirt]

Mission 019: Libel and Slander [The Great Cheryl]
"JARED can you believe this libel they're printing about me?!" "'the great cheryl magically punts innocent inspector into the ocean without cause'" "IT'S BULLSHIT; I HAD PLENTY OF CAUSE" "such as" "she was being annoying" "she was doing her job" "oh i suppose you'll say the same about this veronica grossberg who wrote this article too" "that says 'violet griffin'" "WHATEVER" The Great Cheryl hucks the newspaper into the trash. "GARBAGE INSPECTION" "oh dear god" "all right my name is ruth barlow; i'm with the inspection board and OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS" "what is it now" "you threw this recyclable newspaper in with the regular garbage!!! this is an unspeakable crime!!! i will be confiscating this trash can and all paper products you own" The Great Cheryl magically punts Ruth out of the building, then magically punts Michelle into the building. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Violet missions]

Mission 020: No Expense Spared [Unimportant]
"check out my new car jakey" "wow it certainly is new" "yeah, this baby's got it all; four-cylinder V8 engine-" "what" "oh it's all car jargon, or 'cargon'; i don't blame you for not understanding" "how can it be both a four-cylinder and a V8 at the same time" "this baby's top of the line; there's nothing it CAN'T be" "uh-huh" "it was the most expensive car on the lot and it shows; check out these jumbo-sized cup-holders" "you could certainly fit a big cup in there" "i know right and check this out; a steering wheel even!!!" "steering is much easier with a wheel yes" "and who could forget about the radio that plays both compact discs AND cassettes" "sounds nice" "yeah, this was worth every penny; now i just need to get my driver's license" Michelle drives up in her monster truck and crushes Unimportant's mailbox. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/top of the line t-shirt]

Mission 021: A Piping Hot Mug [Unimportant]
"jakey you're a cop right" "that's what they tell me" "well my horoscope today told me i'm going to get mugged!!!" "let me see that" Jakey pores over the horoscopes section. "well i hate to break it to you but my horoscope says i'm going to mug someone today" "OH NO" "i'm sorry uni; this is what the stars will" "i do not hold it against you" A single tear streams down Jakey's and Unimportant's cheeks in unison as Jakey mugs Unimportant, stealing her last three dollars. "great now i have to go to the bank" "sorry" "well at least it's done now" Unimportant walks off to the bank, and Michelle walks up behind Jakey and starts mugging him. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/mugger t-shirt]

Mission 022: Back to Work [Ruth]
"hey ruth how's it going sabotaging the magic show" "well i just got called in to do another inspection so i guess it's over for now" "shame" "i've had my fun but now it's time to serve" Ruth walks into the nearby bank. "ROBBERY INSPECTION" "what" "all right my name is ruth barlow; i'm with the inspection board" "uh-" "your gun looks nice and up to code but where's your mask?!" "my what" "you can't rob a bank without a mask!!! now everyone will know it's you siobhan!!!" "wha-how do you know my name" "obviously i had to know your name to properly file your inspection results with all your others sioby" "s-sioby?!" "and look you've let the teller ring the silent alarm!!! tsk tsk i'm afraid i'm going to have to confiscate your take from this heist" Ruth grabs Siobhan's sack of cash and returns to her truck. "what the FUCK just happened" Siobhan slinks back to her getaway vehicle and shakes her head. Her getaway driver, Michelle, hangs her head in disappointment. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Siobhan missions]

Mission 023: Short-Lived [Ruth]
Jakey walks on down the street, and his attention is drawn by a signature Ruth yell. "HAIRCUT INSPECTION" "wha-" "all right my name is ruth barlow; i'm with the inspection board" "um hi?" "oh no no no that is simply a bad haircut for you you fail the inspection" "uh-" "i will have to be confiscating this haircut" Ruth grabs the haircut off of Unimportant's head, returning her hair to the length it was before she entered the salon. "come on my horoscope told me to get that haircut today" "did it tell you you had to keep the haircut" "um no" "well you got it so you have fulfilled the terms of the horoscope and will receive all benefits" "oh phew thank you then; i hated that haircut" "do not mention it; i am just doing my job" "HAIRCUT DELIVERY" Bailey drops off the crate of fresh haircuts for the salon. Inside the crate is Michelle, sampling the merchandise. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Unimportant missions]

Mission 024: New and Exciting [King Bran]
"check it out jakey; i've hired a brand new maid" "where i don't see her" King Bran rings a bell, and Jean poofs before him. "oh you got a genie maid nice" "yeah it's pretty sick; she cast a spell so all dust instantly disappears inside the house" "nice" "also i've made every single container inside the house unable to be tipped over" "an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure" "man i should have ditched emelyn years ago" "yeah all she did was complain" "don't remind me" "so what about the robut" "oh i sold it to sheriff antony for ten bucks" "what a deal" "not really; it's still stuck on DESU mode" "my condolences" "HEY JAKEY CHECK OUT THIS GIANT DUST BUNNY I FOUND!!!" Michelle sprints full-tilt into the castle, holding a giant dust bunny. The dust bunny disappears the second she crosses the threshold into the castle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jean missions/Emelyn missions/Sheriff Antony missions]