The More Things Change (2023)

Mission 025: Donate Today [King Bran]
"hey uh king bran what's with all the gunfire outside" "oh well i was running out of bullets so i decided to open donations" "well it seems like you'll be getting enough bullets to kill all your enemies for the next decade or ten" "i know it's great isn't it" "i wish i'd thought of it; i'm constantly running out of bullets" "that is why you have not yet been able to ascend to king status" "yeah but i'll get there someday" "sure sure" Michelle runs into the castle, full of bullet holes. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/bullet donations HERE t-shirt]

Mission 026: The Art of Performance [River-Girl]
Jakey walks downtown and notices a gigantic orb of water floating in the air. "hey river-girl uh what's up with the orb" "oh well in the last couple years, water-based and water-adjacent crime has declined significantly, so i have decided to take the water with me" "oh smart" "also i swim around in the suspended orb of water and people seem to get a kick out of it" "i'll bet" "oh check it out; that disfigured gravedigger girl is being mugged!!!" "oh no not the disfigured gravedigger girl (or 'gravediggirl' for short)" River-Girl splashes water at Valerie and her mugger, Michelle. "aw man now i'm all wet; take me home"
[reward: respect +/Valerie missions]

Mission 027: A Rough Set of Lessons [River-Girl]
"hey uh river-girl is that inferno-girl over there" "yeah she was released from prison and is attempting to be my sidekick" "attempting?" "it's not going so well" "is she unruly?" "not really; she's very ruly but kind of uh accident-prone" "how so" "well this one night there was a lost little girl who was really cold and inferno-girl accidentally lit her on fire" "how did that happen" "well unbeknownst to us, the little girl had been playing inside an old oil drum and was very flammable" "oh well that could have happened to anyone" "yeah but there was also this one time when oil-girl escaped from her icy prison and inferno-girl blew up half the city" "wait what i think i would have heard of that or like noticed it" "oh wait sorry that was a dream i had" "easy mistake to make" "i just hope we don't discover a wind-based superhero who combines talents with inferno-girl to burn down the entire mystic forest" "i'd say the odds of that are relatively high" "unfortunately, i agree; i've already had a costume made for a potential gale-girl" "what if she wants to be called typhoon-girl or hurricane-girl" "well then she'd be a villain and i'd have to put her down" "fair enough" Michelle walks up, wearing the Gale-Girl costume. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/HIGHLY FLAMMABLE t-shirt]

Mission 028: Get with the Program [River-Girl]
"jakey i need your help" "with what" "it's happened" "we have a gale-girl?" "yes but she's just THE WORST" "how so" "she didn't want to be called gale-girl because her first name is gail already but i already made the costume and now look at her; she's wearing a PINK JACKET" "so it seems" "SHE'S GALE-GIRL NOT PEPTO BISMOL-GIRL" "i'll talk to her" "be sure to mention that you're the commissioner" "i am?" "sure why not" Jakey walks over to Gale-Girl. "hey i'm the commissioner" "oh thank god i have a complaint" "oh?" "river-girl keeps harrassing me" "how so" "first she forced me to wear this costume that is too small and now she's yelling at me for wearing my favourite jacket" "she says that she'd be fine with it if it were green" "oh come on pink is my favourite colour; do i have to give it up just because i was in a wind tunnel where they poured radioactive waste" "according to river-girl, yes" "i never asked for this" "i believe that legally, if you have superpowers gained from radioactive waste, you have to be a superhero, or you are classed as a supervillain" "why can't i just be a superwagie; i liked working at walmart" "i don't make the rules, sorry" Gale-Girl hangs her head, upset at the dramatic turn her life has taken. "okay gale-girl, i got you these hair extensions so your hair can blow in the wind like a real wind-themed superhero's should; you posessed horrible foresight, getting that stupid short haircut" "okay i'm going to be a supervillain" Gale-Girl blasts River-Girl away with galeforce winds. "YOU WILL RUE THIS DAY!!! RUE IT, I SAY!!!" "NOT IF YOU RUE IT FIRST" Michelle walks up and holds up a pinwheel in front of Gale-Girl, expectantly. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gale-Girl missions]

Mission 029: Unbearable in Every Sense [Victorrhea]
"jakey help" "what's wrong" "the nurse accidentally filled my IV drip with knives and they are tearing up my veins from within" "oh yeah that does seem like it would be a problem" Jakey empties out the IV, removing all the knives before any more can infiltrate Victorrhea's veins. He then fills it with his own blood, confident that his dumbass healing powers will fix Victorrhea's internal stab wounds. "hey thanks i feel better already" "so what are these tiny knives even supposed to treat" "you know, i never asked" Michelle comes in and uses a magnet to pick up the knives to use later. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/tiny knives t-shirt]

Mission 030: Unbelievable in Every Sense [Victorrhea]
"jakey help" "what's wrong" "the nurse gave me a sponge bath but instead of using a sponge she accidentally used a power sander" "oh yeah that does seem like it would be a problem" Jakey once again fills Victorrhea's IV with his own blood. "ahhhhhh that's the stuff" "so how does one confuse a sponge for a power sander" "take it easy on her; she's just new here" "if you say so" Michelle comes in and begins to power sand the floor. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/power sander t-shirt]

Mission 031: Uncontrollable in Every Sense [Victorrhea]
"jakey help" "what's wrong" "the nurse accidentally filled my IV drip with bad decisions and now i have an uncontrollable urge to buy a sports car and get a tattoo" "oh yeah that does seem like it would be a problem" Jakey empties out the IV, removing all the bad decisions before any more can infiltrate Victorrhea's brain. He then fills it with his own blood, hoping his dumbass healing powers can help in this scenario. "man that was close; the nurse accidentally left her credit card on the table and i nearly bought the reddest sports car i could with it" "what would your tattoo have been of" "i was torn between a grande taco supreme and a naked chick riding a unicorn" "oh nice" Michelle comes in, naked and riding a unicorn. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/grande taco supreme t-shirt/naked chick riding a unicorn t-shirt]

Mission 032: Empty Nest Syndrome [Noriko]
"hey noriko you look down" "i guess" "you should be happy; the race war is over so rexjamin was able to return to amber and you don't have to deal with his bullshit any more" "i uh i kind of miss him" "all you did was complain about him" "yeah and now i have nothing to complain about except my lack of things to complain about" "um okay" "maybe i should get my own dog" "what about scraps" "scraps is very self-sufficient; i don't feel like i'm needed" "hmmm" "okay be right back" "wha-" Noriko disappears in a puff of smoke, then reappears with a black shiba inu puppy. "that was fast" "well i knew what i wanted; a superior japanese puppy that i could train to be a ninja puppy" "i bet that will go well" "i don't see why it wouldn't; he's already black as night" "i am going to name him radical edward" "that is not a dog name in the slightest" "oh like you could do any better" "i'd call him bok choy" "bok choy" "yes" "fine whatever; come on bok choy let's get you a nice meal then start in on your training" "bark!!!" Bok Choy follows Noriko to the kitchen, where Michelle is eating all the ninja herbs. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Amber missions]

Mission 033: Practice Makes Perfect [Noriko]
"okay boy like we practiced" "bark" Bok Choy hucks down his smoke pellet and disappears, leaving behind just a log. "GOOD BOY" "bark bark" "the training seems to be going well" "yes; this dog is a natural; soon he will be running along the wall and fetching the paper for me" "yeah, standard dog things" "i even trained him to be the best at chasing the post lady" "doesn't she carry a gun for just such a scenario" "pfft i'd like to see anyone try to shoot bok choy; he'd dodge every shot" "i'll take your word for it" "no need; watch" Noriko grabs Jakey's gun and lines up a shot on Bok Choy. As she pulls the trigger, Bok Choy dodges perfectly. Unfortunately, the bullet hits Mary instead. "AH FUCK I'M SORRY" "MY LEGS ARE GONE!!!" Jakey rushes over to Mary's halves and bleeds them together. "thanks sir i thought i was a goner" "noriko please be more careful about what's behind bok choy when you shoot at him" "yes sir sorry sir" Michelle fires her gun at Bok Choy, careful to make sure he's standing in front of a kevlar trash can before she fires. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mary missions]

Mission 034: Back to the Laurels [Sophia]
"hey uh sophie what's up with your arm" "it's broken" "how'd that happen" "well i got an assassination contract; someone wanted me to kill some new supervillain called gale-girl so i got all my gear and shot a bullet but then the wind shifted horribly and the bullet came right back and hit me in the arm" "that must have been some strong wind" "yeah next time i'll bring heavier bullets" "that's the spirit" "but this give me a chance to revisit my laurels that i was resting on earlier; did you know that the pixingtons renamed pixington boulevard to sophia boulevard just for me? and they also renamed pixington street to mr. shooty street which was nice" "i wish i had a street named after me" "i thought jakey drive was named after you" "no that's someone else" "oh shame" Michelle comes in, excited that they finally named a street after her. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sophia Boulevard t-shirt/Mr. Shooty Street t-shirt]

Mission 035: Same as it Ever Was [Violet]
"hey violet what are you staking out this time" "oh hey jakey; see those teenagers over there?" "yeah" "they've banded together to kill god" "what why" "i have no clue; i've always been a fan of god" "yeah he's done me no wrong" "i was hoping to get an interview with them but they appear to have been splattered on the ground by divine light" "maybe this is one of those fights they were supposed to lose and they'll be just fine a minute from now and retreat" "uh no it looks like they are truly dead" "oh shame" "well that was disappointing" "hmmm" Jakey walks over and plucks out an ID from one of the corpses. "oh it all makes sense now" "it does?" "yeah this guy turns twenty tomorrow; everyone knows that once you cease to be a teenager, you are simply unable to even attempt to kill god" "pfft everyone knows the optimal age to kill god is sixteen" "well you know how busy these kids today get with school and ranking up all their relationships" "back in my day, we were lucky to have a group of three to try and kill god with" "sometimes less is more" "amen" Michelle walks up and begins to loot the corpses. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/teenagers killing god t-shirt]

Mission 036: The Joy of Painting [Violet]
"hey violet are you getting the scoop on alison now" "i thought i was but there's no scoop here" "what kind of scoop were you going for" "i wanted to leak out the subject of her next painting but she's just painting like FOLIAGE" "i hear foliage is pretty popular these days" "where did you hear that" "from the national foliage association newsletter they keep sending me even though i keep telling them i don't want it" "it makes sense that they would say that" "so are you going to remain here or go find an actual scoop somewhere else" "hey jakey do me a favour" "no i am not going to go in an douse alison's painting with orange paint" "aw man" Michelle wanders toward Jakey and Violet, out of the foliage. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Alison missions]

Mission 037: What's in a Name [Siobhan]
"hey sioby-" "GAH" Siobhan leaps up, startled that her hideout has been discovered. "HOW DID YOU FIND ME" "i have an app on my phone that allows me to track attractive females; a demoness gave it to me" "oh okay then you're not a cop" "i didn't say that" "oh no OH NO" "don't worry; i'm lenient on attractive women" "do i count as one of those" "yeah" "sweet" "so how did you get into bank robbery sioby" "THAT" "what" "everyone calls me sioby!!! i always wanted to be called bonnie instead" "you don't look like a bonnie; you're clearly a sioby" "that's why i rob branks; i want people to associate me with the most famous bonnie - bonnie parker" "was she the one who sang total eclipse of the heart" "that's bonnie tyler; bonnie parker is of bonnie and clyde" "oh were they the ones that did california dreamin" "that's the mamas and the papas" "oh were they the ones that did-" "they weren't musicians; they were bank robbers" "oh" "i guess there aren't any famous bonnies then" "it would seem that way" "damn" "sioby's a way better name anyway" "i guess" Michelle walks in and pats Siobhan on the back. "it's okay sioby; i always wanted people to call me chelly" "really?" "no; take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions]

Mission 038: A Volatile Situation [Siobhan]
"deputy orange what's the situation" "a lone woman is robbing a bank" "this is the bank factory" "yeah they come pre-loaded with cash" "seriously?" "yeah i'm surprised you didn't know; you're always hanging around that woman who owns the factory and goes 'ara ara' all the time" "okay deputy; i'll take this bank over here, you take all the ones on that side of the room" "got it" Deputy Orange breaks off to check a thousand banks on the lefthand side of the room while Jakey goes into the one with Siobhan in it. "hey sioby what's up" "oh hey jakey; i'm just robbing a bank at its source" "smart; what's your escape plan" "oh it's brilliant; i intend to dive into that vat of radioactive waste and have it mutate my cellular structure and have the power of MONEY, able to be exchanged for any good or service" "seriously?" "no i'm going to go out through that open window" "oh smart" "well gotta run; these unmarked bills won't launder themselves" "hmm i could go for some nice laundry" "well let's go then" Jakey and Siobhan head to the laundromat, where Michelle is currently stuck inside a washing machine. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Deputy Orange missions/Arabella missions]

Mission 039: Fat Stacks [Siobhan]
"so sioby what are you going to do with all the money you laundered" "i just gave it to the poor; i didn't need it" "bad move" "what" "you just stole from the rich and gave to the poor" "yeah so" "that's robin hood territory" "i don't see where you're going with this" "you want people to call you 'bonnie' right" "right" "well you just put your first step on the road to another name entirely: 'siobhan hood'" "FUCK that works too well" "so the solution is obvious" "yes, i need to steal if back from the poor" "go get em sioby" "RIGHT" Siobhan charges out of her hideout, just as Michelle charges into the hideout. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/laundering t-shirt]

Mission 040: Due Caution [Unimportant]
"hey unimportant" "jakey? is that you?" "yes?" "sorry i can't see a thing right now" "what happened" "well my horoscope told me to take my pills but i don't have any pills so i went to pillz Я us and the guy with the gum gave me some pills so i took them and now i've gone blind" "oh that sucks" "i really just hope it wears off in time for me to read my horoscope tomorrow" "would you like me to come back tomorrow in case it doesn't and read your horoscope to you" "oh that would be great!!! thanks jakey" "don't mention it" Michelle stumbles into the room and bumps into the wall. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/pills t-shirt]

Mission 041: The Stars Have Spoken [Unimportant]
"hey unimportant is your vision back yet" "what? OH right yeah that yeah i'm fine" "so what's on the horoscope menu today" "injections" "what" "yesterday it said to take my pills, today it said to get my shots" "so what shots are you going for" "i'm going to be vaccinated against the flu, malaria, and bad hair days" "oh nice; the bad hair day vaccine is in high demand lately i hear" "for good reason i imagine" Unimportant subtly nods toward Michelle, who is having the worst hair day in recorded history. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/vaccines t-shirt]

Mission 042: Under New Management [Jean]
"hey jean how's being king bran's maid working out for you" "oh it's great; i just cast one spell and now i don't have to do anything but i get rewarded and praised for it" "nice" "king bran even bequeathed upon me all of his old maid's legal assets, including her dog and her sister" "wow really?" "yeah and i really like this dog so i'm happy with it" Jean scratches Salty behind the ears. "have you spoken to your new sister yet" "oh no i haven't i probably should" Jean and Jakey teleport to the hospital where Victorrhea is staying. "woah hi jakey and jean how's life been" "oh it's great; king bran bequeathed upon me all of emelyn's assets so now i'm legally your big sister" "oh wow i've never been the little sister before" "is there anything you'd like from your big sister now" "could you cure my terminal illness" "oh yeah good idea" Jean jams her fingers forward, magic shooting from her fingertips. "i don't feel any different" "why don't you try to jump; the timinchinitis was keeping you from doing that before" "oh good idea" Victorrhea stands up and attempts to jump, but is still unable to, despite her form being perfect. "oh i guess it didn't work" "sorry" "it's fine; i'm happy that you tried at least" Michelle skips into the room, jumping up a storm. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions/Victorrhea missions]

Mission 043: Without Everything [Emelyn]
"hey jakey has king bran used all of that power clean dishwashing solution yet?" "uh yes" "good then it's time for me to return-" "no, he's replaced you" "WHAT" "and he's incredibly happy with his new maid to the point where he's bequeathed all your assets to her, including your dog, your sister, and even your last name" "so this is how it ends is it" "seems that way" "this may be the ending of emelyn olivia stockhardt, maid to the king bran, but now i am FREE and ready to start anew as emelyn olivia null!!!" "really?" "yes, now break me out of here jakey" "can do" Jakey opens the door to Emelyn's cell, as it was not locked. "so where are you going" "i guess i'll be a maid for someone else; do you need a maid" "i've already got one" "oh um do you know anyone who needs a maid" "not off-hand, no" "damn" "maybe you can be a janitor some place" "that would be a waste of my talents; next you see me, i shall be maid to someone even more important and powerful than the king bran!!!" "such as?" "uh i'm sure such a person exists" "i doubt it" Michelle walks up and dumps a pile of dust onto the floor. "THE FIRST SPILL OF THE REST OF MY LIFE!!!" Emelyn hurriedly cleans up Michelle's mess. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/freedom t-shirt]

Mission 044: The Mother of All Messes [Emelyn]
"jakey good news; rather than fumbling through several different employers, i have instead found the perfect employer for me" "oh who is it" "a slime woman named goocille!!! she's constantly shedding all her goo all around the place" Just then, Goocille goops up. "oh slimelyn slime here goo just thank goo for gooing such good work around here" "..." "..." "i quit" "wha-" Emelyn walks off, every fibre of her being annoyed by Goocille's accent. "what's her problem" "something stupid i'll bet" "it always seems goo goo that way gooesn't it" Michelle emerges from within Goocille's slimy form. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Goocille missions]

Mission 045: A Desu to Shock the World [Sheriff Antony]
"DESU DESU DESU DESU DESU" "sheriff antony how's the robut maid working out" "oh she's great; i love the neverending chorus of DESU" "seriously?" "yeah it's really good timing because the whalesong tape i fall asleep to just died so now i can fall asleep to the dulcet tones of DESU" "i'm glad you are enjoying it" "best five bucks i ever spent" "i was told you paid ten bucks" "i sent in the mail-in rebate" "oh" Michelle walks in, stuck in "take me home" mode. "take me home desu"
[reward: respect +/DESUsong t-shirt]

Mission 046: A Corpse for All Occasions [Valerie]
"hey valerie uh that's a lot of corpses" "y-yeah" "was there some kind of corpse convention i was unaware of" "n-nah th-these are r-repeat customers" "what" "th-that r-resistance lady w-was r-resisting the d-death and d-decomposition of all th-these corpses a-and wh-while some l-liked being alive a-again, o-others just w-wanted to s-stay dead" "makes sense" "th-the b-best part is n-now i-i-i h-have a l-lot of empty g-graves i-i-i c-can r-reuse" "nice; efficient and-" Just then, a large truck careens into the graveyard, inside which is Jasmine, the gravedigger of Canada. "DID I JUST HEAR YOU RIGHT" "h-huh?!" "EACH CORPSE NEEDS ITS OWN UNIQUE GRAVE!!! REUSING GRAVES REGARDLESS OF THE SITUATION IS THE MOST DISRESPECTFUL CARELESS THING YOU COULD DO!!!" "w-w-w-well-" "GIVE ME THAT SHOVEL" Jasmine aggressively knocks over Valerie as she yanks the shovel from her hands. Jakey instinctively shoots Jasmine in the head. "wh-why d-did you d-do that" "she has done nothing but get on my nerves since last year" ""w-well h-how d-do we s-stop the r-resistance lady f-from r-reviving her" "check this out" Jakey dumps Jasmine's body into a neaby grave that had been dug for someone else entirely. He covers the body in dirt, then writes in permanent marker "I bet you can't resist reviving this corpse". "o-oh r-reverse psychology" "yeah, always works on ressie" "b-but wh-what about her a-a-angry ghost" "she's obviously going to haunt this graveyard, so just call father brucie over to exorcise her" "g-good call" Just then, Michelle emerges from within the corpse pile. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Resistance Leadour missions/Father Brucie missions]

Mission 047: Nationwide Manhunt [Gale-Girl]
Jakey calls up Gale-Girl on the picture-phone. "hey gail how's hiding from the superhero squad going for you" "oh i've found a perfect spot i feel; the last place a water-based superhero would look for someone hiding from her is by the ocean right" "right" "and the last place a fire-based superhero would look for someone hiding from her is near an abundance of oil right" "right" "so i'm hiding on this oil rig in the middle of the ocean" "oh nice" "hey is that a sailing ship behind you" "oh so it is" Just then, Captain Morgan leaps from her ship onto the oil rig. "YAR HAR, YO HO, AVAST AND ALL THAT!!! SURRENDER YOUR OIL!!!" "ah shit i'm needed" Gale-Girl creates a galeforce wind that punts Morgan into the ocean, and her ship out to sea. Without any oil, Captain Morgan will be forced to actually sail rather than use the engine. "all's well that ends well" "hey is that a ghost behind you" "a gh-GHOST?!" "oOoOoOoOoO i'M a GhOsT tEmPoRaRiLy RePlAcInG tHe OnE tHaT nOrMaLlY hAuNtS tHiS oIl RiG aNd-hey is that jakey?!" Claire waves at Jakey through Gale-Girl's picture phone. "OH NO" Gale-Girl leaps up in fright, terrified of ghosts. "what's her problem" "spectrophobia" "the word you're looking for is phasmophobia" "whatever" Michelle pops up from underneath where Gale-Girl was. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Claire Who is a Ghost missions]

Mission 048: Phasmophobia [Gale-Girl]
"okay jakey i've found myself an oil rig that is CONSECRATED; 100% NOT HAUNTED" "so why are you so afraid of ghosts" "this one time, when i was a small girl, a ghost almost ran me over in his ghost truck" "you do realise that ghosts can't physically interact with you right" "I'M NOT TAKING ANY CHANCES" "uh-huh; any other undead you're afraid of" "wights; once, my mother accidentally spilled grape juice on a wight and she was never seen again" "she probably hid away in embarrassment" "OH OH and this one time, my father went out to buy cigarettes during a full moon and we never saw him again; he was DEFINITELY killed by a werewolf!!!" "if it helps you to sleep at night" Michelle walks up to Gale-Girl wearing a white bedsheet. "that's not funny" "it was laundry day, thank you very much; take me home"
[reward: respect +/ghost truck t-shirt]

Mission 049: Automotive Decision-Making [Amber]
Jakey stands at the edge of the lot as a scene not involving him happens, staring blankly into space. "hello miss and welcome to the pixington auto showroom!!! my name is amber and i am your humble guide to the world of automobiles!!!" "yeah do you have any vehicles fit to hold a large number of orcs" "oh yes yes come this way" Amber leads Olivia over to the "big cars" section. "this car can hold up to five orcs AND their battle axes" "oh boy i'll take twenty" "would you like the alpha model or the beta model" "what's the difference" "the beta model is designed so that if you collide with a pedestrian, the car is destroyed instead of the pedestrian" "pfft gay" "the alpha model is designed so that if you collide with a pedestrian, the pedestrian is killed gorily with zero damage to the car" "i'll take the alpha model please" "excellent choice; i've never sold even a single beta model" "i can see why" As Amber leads Olivia off to do the paperwork, Michelle hops into the alpha model and collides with Jakey, killing him gorily. He reconstitutes shortly, however. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Olivia missions]