The More Things Change (2023)

Mission 050: Not Edible [Mary]
"hey mary how's life been going for you" "terrible sir; bok choy thinks i'm either food or a chew toy" "well just stay off the ground then" "sir he's been taught to climb walls" "okay drastic times call for drastic solutions" "sir?" Jakey grabs a spray can out of the cupboard and sprays the shit out of Mary. "sir sir sir why are you doing this i do not find this pleasant" "it's a bittering agent" "wha-" "let me explain how this works before you start to panic" "too late" "so the bittering agent makes you taste REALLY BAD right and if bok choy tastes you, he will taste the bittering agent, which will teach him that you are not for eating or chewing" "it makes sense but i still don't like it" "the only way to have free reign of the apartment again is to fly over and get chewed on a little" Mary sighs and dejectedly flies over to Bok Choy, who bites at her legs. He tastes the bittering agent, and immediately spits her out. "success!!!" "i can't feel my legs" Jakey makes a nice bloodbath for Mary to relax in, as she has had a very rough day. "all's well that ends well i suppose" Michelle walks in and sprays herself with bittering agent. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/bittering agent appears at safehouses]

Mission 051: Fine Art [Alison]
"jakey i'm about to paint a portrait of superstar canadian bather scarlett hayes; could you please guard her bath and only come in if she yells 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you got it chief" Alison turns and grabs her paintbrush as Scarlett grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. Scarlett begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫give me a ticket for an aeroplane; i ain't got time to take no fast train♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Arabella predictably comes up the stairs. "hey where's scarlett" "she's in the bath having her portrait painted" "oh OH you HAVE to let me in!!!" "no one gets past" "COME ONE it will be HILARIOUS if scarlett looks at her portrait and WHOOPS SHE'S GOT BUNNY EARS" "i think she'd notice you there right behind her" "oh please; she can't notice anything while singing those jolly tunes of hers" "♫WELL SHE WROTE ME A LETTER SAYING SHE COULDN'T LIVE WITHOUT ME NO MORE♫" "no one gets past" "mean and also rude" Arabella pouts as she waits for Scarlett and Alison to be done. Soon, Alison exits the bathroom, having painted a perfect portrait of Scarlett with Michelle giving her the bunny ears. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Scarlett missions]

Mission 052: Finer Points [Alison]
"hey alison what's on the painting agenda today" "oh oh today i'm painting a girl from the future!!! her name is azalea!!! i've never even heard of that!!!" "it's a type of flower" "is it? must be a flower they invent in the future then" "um no we have them here today" "azalea brought back some flowers of her namesake so we could bask in their beauty?! how thoughtful!!!" "uh-" "anyway i have azalea here in her glowy neon suit and she is just amazing; not a single twitch from her for hours as i paint!!!" "she probably just locked her suit in place" "THE FUTURE IS SO AMAZING!!!" "i heard the future doesn't have sunlight" "they've TRANSCENDED THE NEED FOR IT!!!" "and the future only has one song" "oh man they must have invented the perfect song that everyone loves and never gets tired of and appeals to all tastes!!!" "the song came out in 2009" "wait seriously?" "yeah" "huh i'll have to listen to it sometime" "it's pretty good" "i'd hope so" Alison returns to her paints as Michelle finishes her painting of Azalea in stick figure form. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Azalea missions]

Mission 053: Another Piece of the Puzzle [Jezzie]
"oh hi jakey check this out" Jezzie motions to a partially-assembled skull on the table. "is that from bonerietta" "yes, very observant; after her skull was brutally crushed due to an oversight on my part, i've been trying to reconstruct it so i can revive her" "with glue and tape?" "uh yes? that's how it works; i can't revive her until her skull is fully assembled" "oh that's a shame" "yes but i'm just dreadful at this sort of thing; hey could you do it for me? i'll reward you for it" "there is no possible reward you could give me that would make me assist you in reviving that thing" "oh come on; i'll revive that gravedigger jasmine girl for you" "i killed her myself" "i know and it's just tearing you up inside" "not really no" "okay final offer: i will give you a CRISP fiver" "i'll give YOU a crisp fiver to stop asking me" Jakey holds out his fiver. "i've seen crisper" Michelle walks up and snatches the fiver from Jakey. "thanks jakey; to reward you for giving me this CRISP fiver, i will allow you to take me home"
[reward: respect +/several pieces of Bonerietta's skull hidden all around the world (find them all!)]

Mission 054: Not the Desired Result [Deputy Orange]
"jakey the notorious serial thief known as 'siobhan hood' is still at large" "yes, she is certainly large" "at large" "sorry i was thinking about her breasts" "you know maybe if you'd think about your police work every once in a while, we wouldn't have so many serial whatevers running around" "no, we'd just have different ones running around" "what" "think about it: everyone wants to be the notorious serial whatever on the news, but only one person can be notorious at a time, so people who would otherwise be running around serialing are instead just waiting for their opportunity; this way, the jails are less crowded and the taxpayers have less of a burden" "i can't tell if you're brilliant or retarded" "it's a gift" Michelle walks up with two tags in her hand, one saying "brilliant" and the other "retarded". She places the "brilliant" tag on herself, and the "retarded" tag on herself as well. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Siobhan missions]

Mission 055: Live to Serve [Arabella]
"jakey as i'm sure you are aware, my bank factory was robbed recently" "yes, such a shame" "so i have done the unthinkable and hired a security guard" "is that rachel" "yes; i wasn't aware you knew of her already" "she's kind of a headcase" "I TAKE OFFENSE TO THAT; I ONLY PLAY A HEADCASE ON TV" "why are you a security guard all of a sudden" "i'm a method actor jakey; i can't play a security guard on the big screen if i've never been one in real life" "i liked it better when you were a depressed waitress" "you're just jealous" "i can assure you that that is not it" "INTRUDER ALERT!!!" Rachel rolls sideways and fires her gun at the intruder, but her bullets bounce right off. The intruder returns fire, plugging Rachel straight between the eyes. "uh sorry i didn't mean to intrude but i'd like to take out a loan" "OH right this way; we've got a fresh bank right off the assembly line" Arabella leads Molyndre into a brand new bank. Michelle exits said bank, arms full of cash. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Molyndre missions]

Mission 056: Die to Protect [Arabella]
"so uh how's the security guard situation looking" "what? rachel's still here" "i just saw her get shot between the eyes" Rachel looks up from her donut. "oh no that was my stunt double" "oh that clears it up" Jakey, Arabella, Rachel, and Michelle all laugh as the stunt double's body lays there, decomposing. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Rachel missions]

Mission 057: Built to Honour [King Bran]
Jakey walks in on King Bran conversing with Parallel Universe Candice. "hello there miss construction worker lady; i need some construction" "lay it on me" "i would like a giant statue built of my current maid to show everyone just how much better she is than my old one" "okay so i could built it over here, and make it out of marble" "marbles?! that doesn't seem structurally sound" "uh-" "JAKEY go fetch me the old candice out of the dungeon; she always knew exactly how to build PROPER structures" "on it" Jakey runs down to the dungeon, where Candice is building up a storm with her sedimentary LEGO bricks. "candice, the king bran wants to see you" "oh he'll never be able to take anything else away from me again as i ensconce myself within a fortress made entirely of my special sedimentary lego bricks!!!" "i think he wants to give you your building license back" At the sound of those words, Candice's crazed demeanour returns to normal. "take me to him right away" Jakey leads Candice back upstairs, where King Bran and Parallel Universe Candice are waiting. "REGULAR CANDICE THANK GOD; i need a statue built of my current maid" "okay so i'll put it over THERE and build it out of only the best stone: metamorphic obsidian" "OH MAN that's why you're the master candice!!!" As King Bran and Candice excitedly get to work on the statue, Parallel Universe Candice slunks off, dejected that she no longer has a character niche, as if she ever had one to begin with. It's a miracle she's lasted this long. Michelle slunks on. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Parallel Universe Candice missions/Candice missions]

Mission 058: Kith and Kin [Victorrhea]
"jakey my new big sister is just the best" "i'm glad you like her" "yeah she gives me piggyback rides!!! my PREVIOUS sister never did such a thing!!!" "well i think it's on the older sister to give the younger sister piggyback rides" "i have a terminal illness!!! i can't give rides of any sort!!!" "fair" "my previous sister was always too busy for me despite the fact that i could croak at any moment; my new sister comes over frequently" "so everyone's happy with the new arrangement then" "yes, my ex-sister can go die in a ditch for all i care" "if it's any consolation, she probably is doing just that" "GOOD" Michelle walks in and hops on Jakey's back. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/die in a ditch t-shirt]

Mission 059: Never Goorrender [Goocille]
"hey goocille why did the slimes surrender in the race war" "the pixingtons goo up goor giant robut" "oh yeah that would do it" "but just between goo and me, it was a FAKE goorrender" "seriously? is that legal?" "the only laws we observe are goor own" "oh smart" "now that all those damn dirty pixingtons are out in the open, it is finally time goo launch the gooperweapon!!!" Goocille slams down on a big red button, but nothing happens. "KING GOOREGOORY WHAT HAPPENED GOO THE GOOPERWEAPON!!!" "uh we goorrendered; i had goo goorrender it goo the pixingtons" "FUCK" "also uh attempting goo press the big red button is now a war crime so uh slime afraid goo need to be placed under arrest" "OH NO" The slime guards carry away Goocille to prison for war crimes. Michelle walks up and rapidly presses the big red button. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/war crimes t-shirt]

Mission 060: Nothing but Fantasies [Goocille]
"hey goocille how's prison" "it sucks" "i would imagine" "but i will never give up my gooream of eradicating all pixingtons off the face of this flat earth!!!" "you already bungled your best shot" "oh did i? right now i am planning a GOO to overthrow the king!!! i shall be gooueen and launch a goorprise attack on those damn pixingtons!!!" "say it louder so the entire castle can hear and not just the dungeon" "they cannot stop me; my plans are already in gootion" Goocille rubs her gooey hands together as she cackles maniacally. The underground Pixington Eradication Force blows up the wall to Goocille's cell, and they escape to Parts Unknown, a junk store on the south side of Goo Zealand. Michelle walks in carrying some doodad. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Pixington Eradication Force t-shirt]

Mission 061: Forward-Thinking [Resistance Leadour]
"hey ressie um canada just lost its only gravedigger so could you resist not doing me a favour" "resist your gravedigger's death?" "no NO resist doing that" "okay what then" "could you come by every once in a while and resist the deaths of the people in the pile of corpses, then resist their inability to live in space and resist them not being on mars" "oh i resist hating a challenge; i'll resist not getting on that right away" "thanks" "but um first could you watch as i pull off a really cool resistance" "what's that" Resistance Leadour lays on the ground in the middle of the street. "RELEASE" A piano is dropped from atop a tower, straight onto Resistance Leadour. She is then run over by an eighteen-wheeler. "i have successfully resisted death" "um congratulations" "it wasn't that impressive was it" "were you resisting impressiveness" "yeah let's go with that" Michelle bodyslams Resistance Leadour from the top of the tower, but Resistance Leadour resists both her own and Michelle's death. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/peace of mind]

Mission 062: Delegation [Father Brucie]
"hey father um aren't you supposed to be at the graveyard exorcising ghosts" "nah i sent brooke to do that while i stay behind and do something cool" "oh nice like what" "i haven't gotten that far yet" "oh" Just then, a pair of sinners walks into the church. "forgive me father for my client has sinned" "what now" "my name is natalie belrose, i am the lawyer of one grace sherborne" "um hi; what is her sin" "my client alleges that while she was protecting her charge, one jakey-" "hi" "yes hi; while she was protecting her charge, my client accidentally shot a pigeon that flew straight in front of the barrel of her gun as she was trying to shoot a mugger" "okay" "my client is seeking full forgiveness for the act of shooting this bird" "okay; FORGIVEN" "phew that's a load off my mind; let's go get burgers" Natalie and Grace walk off as Michelle walks in. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Brooke missions/Natalie missions/Special Agent Grace missions]

Mission 063: Toiling for Some Oil [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"hey claire why are you haunting this oil rig" "oh this is where we get the oil for my racing car" "i thought you said it was entirely powered by ectoplasm" "listen, regardless of what i may have said before, this is how things work NOW so stop living in the past" "fine fine whatever" "so yeah not many people come here so my days lately haven't been very busy at all" "how have you been keeping yourself busy then" "i've been watching gwendolyn's videogame streams and wow she has just gotten so fat lately" "what seriously?" "check for yourself" Jakey looks at the screen and looks at Gwendolyn's breastcam intently. "that's a sack of potatoes disguised as gwendolyn" "i couldn't tell the difference" Michelle walks up and places a sack of potatoes next to Claire. "gwendolyn?! how are you in two places at once?!" "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 064: Weapons Development [Olivia]
"jakey good you're just in time to see the new weapon we orcs will destroy the wight menace with" "oh boy i love weapons technology developments" "okay check it out: it's a missile right but instead of being explosive it's just got a big heavy blunt end to smash stuff with" "does that even fly well" "let's find out!!!" Olivia presses the big red button and launches the missile. It goes up a few feet, then crashes straight down. "ah to hell with it; nothing beats good old hammers and axes anyway" "that's the spirit; if at first you don't succeed, give up and call the entire project stupid" "word" Michelle comes up and smacks the big red button with a hammer, launching the rest of the failed missiles. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/orcish missile appears at safehouses]

Mission 065: Wine, Women, and Song [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫tonight, i want to give it all to you; in the darkness, there's so much i wanna do♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Wu Huiqing walks up the stairs with a clipboard. "hello there jakey; the chinese government has asked me to conduct a thorough candid interview with miss scarlett for our national security" "she's currently in the bath" "perfect; the more candid, the better" "no one gets past" "♫I WAS MADE FOR LOVIN' YOU BABY, YOU WERE MADE FOR LOVIN' ME♫" "i do not think you understand; the chinese government waits for no man, woman, OR child" "i am prepared to go to war over this" "okay maybe we'll wait this one time" Soon, Scarlett exits the bath. "QUESTION ONE, MISS SCARLETT: WHAT IS THE PURPOSE OF THE BUBBLES?!" Michelle walks up and hops into Scarlett's old tub water. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Wu Huiqing missions]

Mission 066: Steal of the Century [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫now i don't know why i came here tonight; i got the feeling that something ain't right♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Siobhan attempts to sneak up the stairs. "hello there sioby" "SHHHHH i'm trying to steal scarlett's tub!!!" "she's currently inside it" "even better!!!" "♫CLOWNS TO THE LEFT OF ME, JOKERS TO THE RIGHT; HERE I AM, STUCK IN THE MIDDLE WITH YOU♫" "since you're here already, help me carry it, will you" "no; i have been tasked with guarding the bath from any who would intrude" "come on man don't be lame" "you can steal the tub AFTER the bath" "fine" Jakey and Siobhan wait impatiently for Scarlett to finish in the tub, then Siobhan races in to steal it. She slips on a bar of soap and hits her head on the floor. "i'll call an ambulance" Scarlett walks over to the phone while Michelle counts Siobhan out. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/stolen tub t-shirt]

Mission 067: Lasting Effects [Azalea]
"hey jakey how are the pixingtons holding up after losing that race war" "what? they won the race war" "what how" "the slimes surrendered" "well THAT'S not supposed to happen" "did you accidentally domino effect the pixingtons into winning the race war" "i must have; oh well" "oh well?" "yeah i can't see how this could be important at all in the grand scheme of things; even after winning, the slimes were pretty irrelevant in the future" "what if the loss spurs them to get a new ruler to drags them kicking and screaming into a golden age" "jakey, they're slimes; they're worthless" "what does that say about the alternate timeline pixingtons who lost to them" "what indeed" Michelle warps in from the future, covered in Goo Zealand tourist garbage. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Goo Zealand hawaiian shirt]

Mission 068: Misnomer [Siobhan]
"bad news jakey you were right" "yeah you're clearly 'siobhan hood' now" "how do i shed this name i don't want" "you'll need to do something more impactful and gain a different media name" "any suggestions?" "murder always seems to do the trick; the more, the better" "do you have anything less permanent" "no one's going to care if you commit income tax fraud sioby" "there must be something i can steal to change my media name" "a time machine maybe" "oh great idea be right back" Siobhan runs off and returns seconds later. "nothing changed" "well it changed, but i unchanged it" "that bad?" "they started calling me 'the iron butt'" "okay tell me the story behind that one" "listen i can't help if i attack security guards butt-first okay" "why would you do THAT" "that's where all my power goes; i just give it a little 'ha-CHA' and jab a buttock into my foe, taking him down for the count" "have you tried attacking with your arms" "i don't know my arms are pretty important; i need them to carry my sack of loot" "fair enough" "ha-CHA" Michelle attacks the door with her buttock, taking it clean off the hinges. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/sack of loot t-shirt]

Mission 069: Cheeks of Iron [Siobhan]
"i hate this" "what's wrong" "i keep going back in time to change my media name but it keeps ending up 'the iron butt'" "what did you try most recently" "most recently? i didn't even attack with my butt!!! i reared back and jabbed the security guard with a mighty headbutt" "hence the butt" "i'm going to go try the attack with this crusty baguette next" "good luck" Siobhan leaves and returns a second later. "how'd it go" "i learned that baguettes don't make a good weapon" "you can't have had the 'the iron butt' name though" "no, i got 'the idiot'" "ouch" "it hurt my feelings but i've got plenty more weapons to try" Siobhan motions to a pile of junk. "i'm sure no one will make fun of you for those" "oh like you have any better ideas" "how about a nice blunt weapon like a baseball bat" "oh then i'll just be 'three-strikes joe' or something stupid" "as opposed to the pool noodle i see in there" "i never understood why they call it that; you can't play pool with it, it has no rigidity to hit the balls with" "maybe the guy who invented it's last name was pool" "well he should have changed his last name to something less confusing then" "well, you've got a time machine" "maybe i can get him to change his name to bonnie so when i hit the guard with the bonnie noodle, they'll name ME after the bonnie which is close enough for me" "they'd definitely name you after the noodle part" "this will require more research" Michelle walks in and begins slapping Jakey with a bonnie noodle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/bonnie noodle appears at safehouses]

Mission 070: The Loan Ranger [Molyndre]
"hey molly i saw you take out a loan earlier what was that about" "fdgfgfdgerdfs" "sorry i didn't catch that" Jakey looks at Molyndre, who is currently having a seizure. "hey are you okay?" "fdsfdgshsdg" "fine i'll come back later" Jakey does a lap around the block, and when he returns, Molyndre is finished with her seizure. "are you ready to talk now" "yeah sorry" "so what was the loan for" "i was trying to improve the technology in our VR headsets but i improved it too much and gave myself a seizure" "you should market it as a torture device" "now there's an idea" Michelle walks up to Jakey and has a seizure on the spot. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/seizures t-shirt]

Mission 071: Working as Intended [Molyndre]
"jakey jakey check it out" Molyndre motions to her regular elf counterpart, Holyndre, having a seizure. "nice one" "yeah i told her it would help her better commune with nature and she fell for it" "you should go over there and kick her a bit" "you know what? i believe i shall" Molyndre gives Holyndre a mighty kick, striking a blow for all dark elvenkind. "this is fun; eight-thousand bucks well-spent" "definitely" Michelle walks up and begins kicking Holyndre as well. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/eight-thousand bucks well-spent t-shirt]

Mission 072: Safe and Secure [Rachel]
"so how's working security working out for you rachel" "oh it's great; i twirl my baton, i jangle my keys, i point my flashlight, i eat my donuts; best job i've ever had" "better than big game fisherman?" "yeah, the donuts are nowhere near as slimy as the fish" "really? because the donuts at the place i go to are pretty slimy" "is your donut shop in goo zealand" "well yeah" "that would be why" "i find that the slime adds to the experience" "if you say so" "but once pixington donuts reopens, i'm back there full-time" "are the donuts regular-sized or pixington-sized" "pixington-sized; the tininess is the best part" "i'll bet; i'd love to eat a bucket of donuts like popcorn" Michelle walks in with a bucket of Pixington Donuts. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Pixington Donuts t-shirt]

Mission 073: Help Not Wanted [Parallel Universe Candice]
"jakey i have been stripped of my building license do you know of any job openings" "oh canada needs a new gravedigger" "what happened to the old one" "i shot and killed her" "o-oh i'll uh have to pass; i am allergic to corpses" "oh shame" "i guess i'll have to become a waitress or something" "that's the spirit; i hear that as a waitress, the customers always give you tips to help improve your daily life" "really?! i could certainly use some tips now; i have made a mess of my life honestly" "see? it all works out" Michelle walks in and serves Parallel Universe Candice her food. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/busty waitress t-shirt]

Mission 074: A Small Tip [Parallel Universe Candice]
"hey parallel universe candice i see you've become a waitress" "yeah the uniform is kind of small though" "i do not mind" "i'm sure you don't" "so how have the tips been" "none of my customers seem to have had any real life advice to give me so they've apologised by giving me money instead" "well look at it this way: you may not be able to use every single piece of advice, but you can use every single piece of money" "well except for these funtopia arcade tokens this one guy gave me" "i hear that the michelleland arcade accepts those" "oh boy i have been hankering to play some skee ball" Just then, Michelle walks in, clutching a bundle of Michelleland tickets. "i want to exchange my tickets for that 'take me home' over there"
[reward: respect +/some tickets]