The More Things Change (2023)

Mission 100: Contentment Found [King Bran]
"yeah jakey this is the life; i've got the greatest maid ever and i don't have to listen to that old and busted maid nag at me all day" "i am glad you are happy" Just then, a noise is heard through the window. "♫BABY COME BACK♫" "wha-" "♫YOU CAN BLAME IT ALL ON ME♫" King Bran goes to the window to see Emelyn raising a boombox over her head. "leave me alone emelyn; i've got a way better maid than you could ever hoped to have been" "BUT I NEED THIS JOB" "you should have thought of that before you walked out on me; i would have been eternally happy with your mediocre ass before i met my current maid; now i can never go back" "BUT-" "leave before i open the trap door under your feet and send you to the dungeon" "there is no trap door under my feet" "damn that bluff usually works" "I AM GOING TO STAND HERE BLASTING SOFT ROCK HITS ON MY BOOMBOX UNTIL YOU LET ME INSIDE" "i can live with that" "♫BRANDY YOU'RE A FINE GIRL; WHAT A GOOD WIFE YOU WOULD BE♫" Just then, Michelle walks up behind Jakey. "ooga chaka ooga ooga ooga chaka ooga ooga take me home"
[reward: respect +/Emelyn missions]

Mission 101: Hidden Truths [Siobhan]
"hey sioby is there any truth to this article that says you're the daughter of a wealthy oil baron" "WHAT let me see that" Siobhan snatches the paper and reads through it. "where'd she find that out?!" "a drunkard at the tavern told her" "damn drunks betraying my secrets" "so it's true?" "yeah i don't like to talk about it, though; my hair wasn't always black" "i think the blackness is what's really keeping you as a sioby rather than a bonnie" "seriously?! now i have even more disdain for the long days spent tilling the oil fields" "is that a thing you do with oil fields?" "NOT FUCKING EVEN COME TO FIND OUT; he may have been an oil baron, but he knew nothing about oil" "oh just like how i'm a prince yet know nothing about government, rulership, or canadian history" "exactly" Michelle walks in and bonks Jakey on the head with a Canadian history book. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/tilling the oil fields t-shirt]

Mission 102: Evil to the Core [Typhoon-Girl]
"so typhoon-girl, what have you been doing since becoming evil" "i sent a hurricane to mojavistan but they seem to like it for some reason" "they love water in their desert homes; maybe you should have sent it to goo zealand instead, where the salt in the water would dissolve their gooey forms" "oh dammit i always do this; first i sent a plane into a tailspin, crashing it into a building they were going to demolish anyway, saving them thousands of dollars in explosives, now this?! being evil may just not be my thing" Just then, Jezzie appears in a puff of smoke. "legally, it is your thing; i don't care about the results, i care about the EFFORT, and you give 110% out here every day!!! it brings a tear to my eye" "oh um thanks" "don't mention it; now take jakey's suggestion and send a hurricane off to goo zealand" "YES MA'AM!!!" Typhoon-Girl does as she's told, and sends a hurricane out to Goo Zealand. Luckily, a local boy had rung the hurricane alarm as a prank, meaning he is now a hero who has saved countless lives. Michelle walks up and pins a "you tried" ribbon to Typhoon-Girl's chest. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions]

Mission 103: A Sound Plan [Typhoon-Girl]
"jakey i have decided to become an oil baroness" "well you've already got one rig under your control" "yes and with my evil tickets from the goo zealand hurricane, i have purchased an evil workforce to man the rig for me" "oh so that's what those little gremlin dudes are doing" "yes, then, to recoup my evil ticket investment, once i receive the oil, i will burn it pointlessly in order to pollute the atmosphere and waste a finite natural resource" "sounds like you've got this all planned out" "yes, by the year 2032, everyone will be driving an electric car; not because they want to, but because i have burned all of the fossil fuels" "you're really getting into this evil thing aren't you" "well circumstances have forced my hand you see" "yes yes" Michelle walks up, punting gremlins across the oil rig. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/oil rig t-shirt]

Mission 104: Large Boom [Emelyn]
"hey emelyn how goes the stakeout" "the box is booming but my spirits are not" "♫you're out of touch, i'm out of time, but i'm out of my head when you're not around♫" "come on you can't be sad while this jam is playing" "i can and i will" Jakey slaps a pair of handcuffs onto Emelyn. "fine take me away; it's not like i have anything else to live for" "well i'm not going to do it if you're going to be so agreeable about it" "whatever" "i'm just going to leave you handcuffed on this lawn and you'll starve to death" "sounds good" Jakey slaps himself on the face. "is there anything that can get an emotional response out of you" "well there is one thing" "which will never happen" "then i guess not" "♫uptown girl; she's been livin' in her uptown world♫" Michelle walks up upon hearing the tune, but notices Emelyn's husk lying on the ground, and immediately loses all will to listen. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/boombox t-shirt]

Mission 105: Kingmakers [Jezzie]
"oh good jakey there you are; you're just in time to watch me work my magic again" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey instantly appear in the rebel base for the Pixington Eradication Force. "INGOODER ALERT" "hi!!!" "what goo goo want goomans" "okay 1: rude and 2: i'm not a human, i am a demoness" "whatever" "i am here to offer you a chance to be on team evil; i will grant you more power to complete your coup, and even help you genocide the pixingtons, but you have to agree to make goo zealand an evil country when you do" "what goold that entail" "paying your evil taxes every year and whatever evil schemes your people concoct" "hmmmm well we goold goose the help" "good!!! just sign here" Goocille signs her name on the contract, turning the Pixington Eradication Force evil. "just so i can tell you apart from other slimes i'm going to do this real quick" Jezzie pours a bottle of black food colouring into each of the slimes, turning them an evil black. "great now here are your weapons and i'll see you at the beheading ceremony when king gooregoory is brought to justice" "thank goo miss jezzie" "don't mention it; that king gooregoory guy has had it coming for a long time now" "agooreed" Jezzie disappears as Michelle walks into the hideout with the donuts. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Goocille missions]

Mission 106: A Nice Q&A Session [Jezzie]
"hey jezzie i've always wondered: why do ghosts have to haunt wherever you tell them while other undead can just do whatever" "because i like bossing them around; other types of undead could, theoretically, rise up and be a real pain for me to deal with, but ghosts are impotent by nature; they couldn't stage a coup even if they wanted to" "i'd call you a horrible person, but i would probably do the same thing" "see? we're not so different; if you sign this evil contract, we can rule hell and canada jointly as king and queen" "i'll pass" "the offer is always on the table if you ever change your mind" "i am aware of that, yes" Michelle walks up and hands Jakey a stack of forms to sign, but he stops signing when he notices that one is Jezzie's contract. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/evil king and queen t-shirt]

Mission 107: Evil Innovations [Jezzie]
"jakey check out our new evil products we're rolling out to unsuspecting consumers" "ho boy" "this is a placemat with a maze on it but the entrance does not connect to the exit, which will get kids really angry at the restaurant and force their hand into causing a scene" "devilish" "this is the school homework assignment word search, where the final word cannot be found at all" "how's that any different from normal ones" "this is the crossword puzzle we're putting in this week's newspaper; none of the clues have answers that will line-up properly in the grid, making crossword afficionados go insane" "again, i feel to see how that changes anything" "finally, here are the sunday comics; not a single one is funny at all" "once again, no change" Jakey looks down at the final comic, written by Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/crossword t-shirt]

Mission 108: A Successful Night [Goocille]
"so goocille how goes the coup" "uh it's over; we won" "oh" "now goo zealand is an evil country!!! with help from goor benevolent evil gooverlord jezzie, we have destroyed the gooppressive gooregoory regoome and will now goommence goor plans goo DESTROY GOOSE PIXINGTONS!!!" "hey so not to burst your bubble but i've gathered video evidence that it was, in fact, not amber who killed your brother" "i goold like goo see these goovie magical falsegoods goo've created" "oh i don't have any of those" Jakey pops a VHS tape into the royal Goo Zealand VCR, which clearly shows Svart of Darkness planting the bomb inside Goocille's brother, then sending him off to Pixington Motors. "gookay we'll just kill them gooth!!!" "that won't work" "why not gooman" "see, svart of darkness works for jezzie, who will be very angry if you kill him; in fact, she was ecstatic that your brother was killed to start a race war" "and i assgoome goo have video evidence of that" "now that you mention it" "WHY DIDN'T GOO TELL US THIS BEFORE WE SIGNED THE EVIL GOONTRACT" "good question" Michelle walks up and begins to eat her salty french fries, causing the slimes to reteat to the edge of the room. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions/Amber missions/Svart of Darkness missions]

Mission 109: A Bonding Experience [Jezzie]
"jakey what the fuck was that back in goo zealand" "well-" "it was HILARIOUS; your sense of timing is incredibly evil you know" "really?" "yeah are you sure you don't want to sign this evil contract and rule hell and canada together as evil king and queen?" "well-" "i'll even let you have that vampire girl you like so much as a concubine!!! and any other evil girls you'd like!!!" "that does sound like a good deal" As Jakey is about to press his pen to the paper, Michelle walks up from behind and yanks him around. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/an important decision to postpone indefinitely]

Mission 110: A Place to Lie Low [Amber]
Jakey sits in his apartment, reading the newspaper. "how long until you get the power running again" "just a minute sir!!!" As Mary roots around in the wires, Amber bursts into the apartment, having shrunken down to normal pixington size and flown in through the keyhole. "jakey i need to stay here for a while; i think someone is trying to kill me!!!" Jakey stares blankly at Amber for an uncomfortably long time. "someone's destroyed my secret bunker and everything!!!" "you can't stay here we're full" "come on i'm small again; i can live in this desk drawer" Amber flies over to the desk and sees that it's already fully-furnished for a pixington. "see? perfect fit!!!" "that drawer is taken" "oh by who" "OKAY SIR!!! THE POWER IS BACK ON!!!" Mary flies over to turn on the light. "mary?!" "amber?!" Mary and Amber fly over to eachother and hug. "it's been forever!!!" "wait wait WAIT i thought you hated mary, amber" "WHAT no way!!! she was my best friend in high school!!!" "but wasn't she the one who put gum in your hair, which was clearly against the school's dress code" "what?! no mary would never do such a thing; that was terri" "sir i am a bit offended that you'd accuse me of such wrongdoing, especially to amber" "well i hate to break it to you both, but sophia completely misread your message amber" "what" "the mental torture meant for this terri girl? it went to mary instead" "WHAT NO" Amber begins to bawl tears of regret and sorrow. "amber it's okay i know you meant well; i forgive you" "oh cool" "so let's conspire to torture terri TRIPLE what i got" "now you're talking" Mary and Amber zip into the desk drawer and begin to conspire. Michelle opens their drawer and tosses some thumbtacks into it. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mary missions/Sophia missions]

Mission 111: A Dark Place [Svart of Darkness]
"DAMMIT WHERE DID THAT PIXINGTON GO THIS TIME?! I DESTROYED HER BUNKER!!! SHE SHOULD HAVE NOWHERE TO GO!!!" "yeah it's strange isn't it" Svart of Darkness's gaze narrows. "you're hiding her aren't you" "not technically no; she's hiding herself in close proximity to me without my consent" "listen, capture that pixington for me OR FACE MY WRATH" "what wrath? you're an impotent little goon obsessed with revenge on someone who doesn't even know you exist" "JUST YOU WAIT; when i kill that pixington and marry jezzie and become king of hell-" "nice joke" "what" "jezzie's already asked to marry me; i've almost had to beat her off with a stick" "i don't believe you; just because you're a rich prince it doesn't cover up your massive flaws" "such as?" "you're kind of ugly dude" "that's fair; after all, you're the expert on being ugly" "you're just jealous of my rugged, handsome, evil good looks" "false" "it's okay; no need to be upset" Svart of Darkness conjures a celebratory evil hot dog, which is immediately stolen by Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Amber missions/Jezzie missions]

Mission 112: Delayed Revenge [Mary]
"sir check it out; we've got that evil terri tied to a spinning board naked and are throwing pixington knives at her" "oh nice; how'd you capture her" "we had sophia do it; she apologised to me and everything sir; even bought me this giant box of chocolates to make up for it!!!" Mary gestures toward a normal-sized box of chocolates. "very nice" "would you like to throw a knife at her sir" "oh sure" Jakey pulls a big knife out of the kitchen drawer and hucks it at Terri. The knife spins and spins as Terri quivers in fear. The knife reaches its target, but the handle hits Terri square in the chest, knocking her out. "perfect shot, sir; we don't want to kill her, we just want to make her regret ever messing with us every day for the rest of her life" "i'm sure sophia's torture gave you plenty of ideas then" "oh yeah; she's a master" "so since you have apparently conquered your fear of sophia, does that mean you're leaving" "i-i wasn't planning on it sir; unless you want me to" "oh no; you can stay as long as you'd like" "good because there's plenty of torture left to be done" "go get 'er" "YES SIR" Mary salutes and heads over to wake up Terri for the next round of torture. Michelle gives Terri's head a little flick. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/tortured Terri appears at safehouse]

Mission 113: A Fitting Punishment [Sophia]
Jakey walks into Sophia's apartment to find her tied to the wall upside-down. "um am i interrupting something" "no no i just learned that i tortured the wrong pixington and am torturing myself to make up for it" "oh how's that going for you" "i'm really hungry and that meatball sub on the table over there looks delicious" "would you like me to feed it to you" "NO it is part of my self-torture; you're welcome to eat it yourself and make exaggerated pleasure noises though" "don't mind if i do" Jakey sits down to share the meatball sub with Michelle, exaggerating how delicious it is. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/meatball sub t-shirt]

Mission 114: A Bridge Too Far [Amber]
"uh jakey do you have any of that weird blood stuff you use when i get dismembered" "yeah there's several bottles in the cupboard" "okay thanks; we accidentally dismembered terri and she's bleeding pretty bad" "yeah you've got to be careful when applying torture" "it always looked so easy in the movies" Amber pops a cork and sticks a rag into the bottle of blood, using it to remember Terri's arm. "see? good as new UNLIKE MY SCHOOL PHOTOS YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT" Amber mercilessly stabs Terri again and again, comfortable in her knowledge that she can reverse any damage with the bottled blood. "OKAY AMBER I GOT THE SLEDGEHAMMER!!!" Mary winds up a devastating sledge to Terri's kneecaps before Amber fixes it with the bloody rag. "my favourite part is that she feels the horrible pain a second time when i heal her crippling injuries" "i like the sickening crunch she makes backwards; a hcnurc, if you will" Michelle walks up to Terri and places a single grain of sawdust into her left eye. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mary missions]

Mission 115: Pure, Undilluted Beauty [Jezzie]
"jakey you know those two pixingtons you're sheltering in your apartment" "yes?" "i love them; watching them get revenge on that other pixington brings a tear to my eye; beauty in its purest form" "i'm uh glad you like it" "if anyone were to harm either of those pixingtons, i would certainly not approve and be quite upset with whomever would do such a thing" "that's good" "i am going to have newsletters printed telling every evil being to never harm these two beautiful souls under penalty of DEATH and my eternal hatred" "you're aware that svart of darkness is trying to kill one of them correct" "yeah well he needs to find a new grudge" "he was planning to turn her blood into a diamond and propose marriage to you with it" "good, this saves me the trouble of declining; i only marry royalty that can turn entire countries evil" "so i hear" Michelle walks up to Jakey and hands him a copy of Jezzie's newsletter. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Svart of Darkness missions]

Mission 116: Assault and Battery [Mary]
"hey mary how's the torture going" "oh sir!!! it's going amazingly!!! so check this out: i was hitting her in the torso repeatedly with a AAA battery right? well it cracked open and inside was ACID!!! i've been splashing it on her off and on and it's like a whole new kind of pain after she stopped reacting to bludgeoning and dismemberment and subsequent rememberment quite as much" "you seem to be enjoying yourself" "oh no sir this is strictly for revenge, not enjoyment" "really" "yes sir; i only do what i do for the honour of the pixington high school class of 2011 girls' locker room" "did she do the thing where she wets a towel and whips you with it" "ALL THE TIME SIR!!!" "hmmm have you tried taking a piece of twine and strangling her with it until she passes out" "GREAT IDEA SIR!!!" Mary sets off to grab some twine while Michelle lights the wick on a stick of dynamite next to Terri. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Pixington High School Class of 2011 t-shirt]

Mission 117: Absolute Horror [Svart of Darkness]
Jakey walks into Svart of Darkness's Used Cars, where Svart of Darkness is throwing a fit. "hey what's up bro" "MY LIFE IS RUINED" "i could have told you that years ago" "you know that pixington i despise with every fibre of my being? JEZZIE ORDERED A NO-HARM ON HER!!!" "yeah i heard" "i am full of nothing but rage but i cannot do anything about it or i will be tortured in hell for all eternity" "yeah sounds like a rough spot you're in; almost makes you want to kill someone" "are you volunteering?" "i'd like to see you try" Svart of Darkness lunges at Jakey, stabbing him over and over, each wound healing instantly. "you stab like a girl" "no way; my stab is incredibly masculine" "says who" "stabbers monthly" "i'm subscribed to that publication, and your stab was not rated masculine in any category" "WHAT" "your masculinity rating was below the ten-year-old girl who smiled and said 'stabby wabby' while stabbing" "wait really?" "yeah; your rating was both less masculine AND less cutie wutie than hers" "my life is a joke" "yes" Michelle walks up behind Jakey and begins giving him a fierce stabby wabby. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Amber missions/Jezzie missions]

Mission 118: Self-Induced Torture [Amber]
"hey amber are you doing paperwork" "i'm working on my handwriting; it was my fault that my note was misinterpreted and a dear friend got tortured instead of that heartless bitch terri so i'm taking measures to improve" "let me see what you've got so far" Amber hands Jakey a tiny piece of paper. His eyes strain to read the tiny print. "'hello friends; today, we will be playing a nice round of golf at my own personal course'" "DAMMIT" "what's wrong" "golf?! GOLF?! it was supposed to say stock car racing!!!" "i don't know how you managed to cram all those letters together like that" "maybe i need higher-quality writing implements; it could be my haphazard gear selection letting me down" "that is certainly a possibility" "i am going to order some high-quality pens online; then we will see whose handwriting is truly terrible" "i look forward to it" Michelle walks in and writes loudly and clearly a note on the board. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/high-quality writing implements t-shirt]

Mission 119: Practice Makes Perfect [Amber]
Amber sits at her desk, which is surrounded with boxes of pens. "these pens i ordered must be defective" "yes, all twenty-thousand boxes of them" "i am going to return them" "that's a lot of postage" "i don't see why i should have to pay postage because they sent me a defective product" "probably because the problem isn't with the product, but rather with your horrible technique" "ha ha funny joke" "you're holding the pen between your middle and ring fingers and stabbing into the paper upwards for every stroke" "well how else am i supposed to do it?!" "you'd have better luck gripping the pen between your teeth" "now there's an idea" Amber places the pen in her mouth and begins stabbing the paper upwards for every stroke. Michelle walks up to Jakey with a hundred pens in her mouth. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/boxes and boxes of pixington pens appear at safehouse]

Mission 120: A Primer [Jezzie]
"all this talk of stabbing has made me crave a good stab" "do you listen to all my conversations" "yes don't be silly; now behold as i stab this useless zombie over and over" Jezzie grabs her demonic knife and begins to thrust it into the zombie's flesh. "stabby wabby" The zombie grunts with mild displeasure as Jakey admires Jezzie's stabbing form. "i have incorporated elements from all the greatest stabs in history; every stab its own unique work of art" "i can see that" "but what research will not tell you is the most important thing: the best stabs come from the heart" "oh for sure" Michelle walks up behind Jakey and gives him a heartfelt stab. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/stabby wabby t-shirt]

Mission 121: Hello There, Ladies and Gentlemen [Jezzie]
"JAKEY i just put together a hot new evil band and i'd like YOU to be the promoter!!!" "is this just to distract me away from one of your evil plans" "yes" "okay i'll do it; thanks for being upfront with me" "no problem; allow me to introduce you: on the tambourine: GWENDOLYN" "hi" "hi" "on the cowbell: AKARI" "hey" "hey" "on the triangle: JEAN" "hello" "hello" "and finally, in the tub on vocals: SCARLETT" "wait is your band just percussion and vocals?" "yes; we had claire on vuvuzela originally but she couldn't physically interact with it" "fair enough; what's the band's name" "oh right a name a name hmmmmmmm" Jezzie ponders and ponders. "the underpromotes" "chess on your mind?" "always" "okay when's the first gig" "right here, right now" Jezzie pulls up the curtain and disappears, leaving Jakey staring at a crowd of expectant zombies. "hey uh how are you all doing tonight? we've got a great show for you today; here's the underpromotes playing the hits of the rolling stones!!!" "wait what" "thanks for deciding our setlist for us jakey" "here's their first number: beast of burden" The entire band glares at Jakey before beginning their song. "♫i'll never be your beast of burden; i walk for miles, my feet are hurtin'♫" Michelle throws her bra onstage. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Underpromotes t-shirt]

Mission 122: Hello There, Ladies and Gents [Jezzie]
"HELLO GOO ZEALAND as a newly-minted evil nation, are you ready for some newly-minted evil rock and roll?!" "i guess" "allow me to introduce to you the hottest band from hell itself; THE UNDERPROMOTES" "were all the good band names taken" "yes" A lonely tomato lands on the stage. "fine fine here's the percussive attack of the underpomotes, covering the hits of the goo goo dolls" At the mention of their favourite band, the slimes perk up. "JAKEY WE DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT IS" "GOOOOOOOOO" The slimes begin pelting the stage with tomatoes. Goocille takes it upon herself to climb onstage and salvage the show. "♫and i'd give up goorever goo touch goo cause i know that goo feel me somehow; goo're the goosest goo heaven that i'll ever be and i don't wanna goo home right goo♫" The slimes begin to cheer. "see? raucous applause and you didn't have to do a single thing" "i'm cool with that" Michelle throws another of her bras onstage. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/lonely tomato t-shirt]

Mission 123: Are You Ready to Rock? [Jezzie]
"HELLO MOJAVISTAN; i've got four women for you who want nothing more than to play for you the unparalleled hits of the man in black himself" "the man in black?! sounds metal as fuck" "i give you, THE UNDERPROMOTES" "JAKEY YOU DIPSHIT THESE ARE ORCS!!! WE CAN'T PLAY COUNTRY MUSIC!!!" "everyone loves johnny cash now get out there" The Underpromotes take the stage and nervously begin playing their song. "♫i keep a close watch on this heart of mine; i keep my eyes wide open all the time♫" "man just IMAGINE the monster riffs and guitar solos on this shit" "it's gotta be the best ever" "as soon as i get home i am going to look up this the man in black; he may just end up as one of my favourites" "word up" Michelle throws a third of her bras onstage. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Man in Black t-shirt]

Mission 124: Are You Ready or Not? [Jezzie]
"HELLO ALABAMA!!! are you ready for rocking AND rolling?! tonight we've got THE UNDERPROMOTES!!! their instruments were lost at the baggage check so i had to make them new ones out of papier mache!!! here they are now to regale you with the hits of JOHN WAITE!!!" The Underpromotes take the stage and begin to sing their song. "♫i need a lover that won't drive me crazy i ne-" "THAT'S JOHN MELLENCAMP" "oh sorry ahem: ♫people say i'm crazy, doing what i'm d-" "THAT'S JOHN LENNON" "uh okay ahem: ♫i see a bad moon risin'; i see-" "THAT'S JOHN FOGERTY" "tough crowd ahem: ♫crazy, but that's how it goes; millions of p-" "THAT'S JOHN 'OZZY' OSBOURNE; YOU ARE INTENTIONALLY FUCKING WITH EVERYONE NOW" "a little yeah" Michelle throws the final of her bras onstage. "♫country roads-" "THAT'S JOHN DENVER" "take me home"
[reward: respect +/John t-shirt]