The More Things Stay the Same (2024)

Mission 001: A Match Made in Hell [King Bran]
"jakey check your work email i keep trying to fwd you this hilarious gif of a cat but your inbox is full" "already?! i just cleaned it out!!!" Jakey checks his email, which is full of marriage proposals from Jezzie. "how long has this been going on for" "since around october of last year i believe; my mailbox keeps exploding when the post lady tries to put all my marriage requests in it" "ouch" Just then, the post lady appears with a harmonica. "SINGING TELEGRAM" "oh god" "dearest dearest jakey please marry me marry marry marry marry me" "FINE WHATEVER" Jezzie poofs in in a puff of smoke. "sign here and here and here" Jakey signs the damned contract, becoming King of Hell and annexing Canada into Hell's evil empire. "thanks the wedding's this afternoon hon" Jakey deletes his email, and the mail from Jezzie doesn't appear again. King Bran tries to send him the gif, but Jakey's inbox is filled again before he can. "JAKEY YOUR INBOX IS FULL AGAIN" "WHAT THE FUCK" Jakey checks his inbox, which is full of email from Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: Jezzie missions]

Mission 002: Wedding Bells [Jezzie]
"and do you jakey agree to take jezzie as your lawfully wedded wife" "well-" "too late you signed the contract; I NOW DECLARE YOU MAN AND WIFE; YOU ARE CONTRACTUALLY OBLIGATED TO KISS THE BRIDE" A great number of Jakey's friends and well-wishers watch in horror as he marries Jezzie, and wonder what this will do to their friendship and well-wishership. "WHAT THE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK" A glittering mass spirals down from the heavens, crashing onto the wedding cake. "rude" "jakey what the FUCK" "do i know you" "i'm your guardian angel you dunce" "i thought grace was my guardian angel" "metaphorically, yes, but i am your LITERAL guardian angel!!!" "what's the difference" "i watch you from the heavens to make sure you don't die or whatever; it was an easy job because of your stupid invincibility powers, but now that you're king of hell, i have to be a guardian demon now and i am NOT a fan of those demon outfits" "because you look so good in that white bathrobe of yours" "ugh if you're going to come to the wedding, follow the dress code" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and the guardian demon's angelic robe disappears and is replaced with a revealing leather outfit. "AGH" "are those F cups? as expected of my guardian angel" "i hate you" "don't be that way angie; we'll be seeing plenty of eachother in hell" Michelle walks up and begins to eat the destroyed wedding cake. "take me home"
[reward: Angie missions/Special Agent Grace missions]

Mission 003: Joy in its Impurest Form [Jezzie]
"so now that you've accomplished your goal, what are you going to do" "i am giddy as an evil schoolgirl that i've finally got canada under my control and paying its evil taxes so i'm going to take it easy for a bit so i don't explode" "smart choice" Just then, the alarm begins to blare. "uh-oh" "what happened" "svart of darkness just killed himself" "yeah seeing the love of his life marry another man and being legally unable to kill his mortal enemy will do that to a guy" "well i've left the bait on the hook for long enough i suppose; let me walk you through my contingency plan for just such a situation" "you saw this coming?" "yeah, check it out; first, i rewrite his brain and heart so he is in love with someone else; let's sayyyyyyyy the girl in the tub" "scarlett?" "yeah her; and let's change his mortal enemy to someone else as well; do you have any suggestions for that one" "the post lady" "hilarious" Jezzie begins chanting her spell, and Svart of Darkness is revived and ready to go. An evil ticket appears in Jezzie's hand as Svart of Darkness gleefully munches on his evil hot dog. "i see you kept that particular trait intact" "it's making me - US - a lot of money" "what's in those things anyway" "you don't want to know" "fair enough" Michelle walks up and trades in one of her evil tickets for her own hot dog. "take me home"
[reward: Svart of Darkness missions/Scarlett missions]

Mission 004: Coping with Loss [Angie]
"hey angie how's guarding going" "all the other demons made fun of me for formerly being an angel" "yeah kids are cruel" "luckily my standard-issue flowing golden angel hair is indestuctible so all the mean pranks they tried to pull failed miserably" "i'm surprised they let you keep it" "it's times like these when i just want to sit back, relax, and play my harp" Angie rummages through her things and finally finds her harp case. "ah here we are" Angie opens the case, and is horrified to see its contents. "WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HARP" "it appears to have transformed into a fiddle" "great first my fluffy angel wings are replaced with scaly demon wings, now my beautiful harp is a fucking FIDDLE" Angie throws the fiddle to the ground in disgust. "i'm going to the harp store" "i don't think they allow demons inside" "i'll get some kids to buy me one in exchange for some beer" "smart" Michelle walks in, playing her own fiddle. "take me home"
[reward: harp store t-shirt]

Mission 005: Harping On [Angie]
"how was the harp store" "it was great; i bought this beautiful- FIDDLE?!" "strange thing to find at a harp store" "whenever a harp touches my hands it must turn into a fiddle!!!" "well um on the bright side, you'll fit in a lot better now that you've dyed your golden angel hair to black" "I'VE WHAT" Angie looks in a mirror and begins to throw up. "i also like your eye makeup and demon horns" "i hate my life" Michelle walks into Angie's shack, drunk as a skunk on cheap convenience store booze. "take me home"
[reward: fiddle store t-shirt]

Mission 006: Reliction of Duty [Special Agent Grace]
"jakey i am having mixed feelings about you becoming king of hell" "really?" "yeah i hate these dark circles around my eyes; it looks like i don't get enough sleep; noriko said they make me more stealthy but i'm not sure" "it makes the green irises stand out more" "right? but i do like these horns; they are good for taking out aerial attackers" "and that's really how everything goes; good and bad is found in everything" "i suppose" "oh oh if you'd like, i have just learned how to magically bind you to my service for eternity" "i'm already legally bound to your service for eternity so i don't have any objections if that's what you want to do" "fair, that would just be redundant and they might actually just cancel eachother out" "now that you mention it, that does sound correct" Michelle walks up to Jakey and magically binds him to her service for eternity. "take me home"
[reward: Noriko missions]

Mission 007: Best-Laid Plans [Svart of Darkness]
"ah my lord of darkness good you're just in time for me to unveil my latest plan to KILL THAT POST LADY and craft her bones into a bathtub for scarlett" "please don't ever call me that again" "fair enough; watch as i place a bomb in this package and mail it; it will go off just after the post lady leaves" Svart of Darkness places his package in the box, and the post lady appears right on time to take it to its destination. "why isn't it exploding" "YOUR PACKAGE, MISS PIXINGTON!!!" "OH NO!!!" Svart of Darkness leaps across the street and grabs the package from Amber's hands just before it blows her to bits. "THE MAIL MUST ALWAYS GO THROUGH!!!" "why did you send it to amber" "i needed an address so i just looked up; i didn't know she could force the timer to pause and blow up the recipient rather than herself" "that woman is terrifying" "i'll say; she almost killed our lady of darkness's favoured one" "please don't call my wife or amber that ever again" "fair enough" The post lady hands Jakey his package, which is Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: Amber missions/Jezzie missions]

Mission 008: Worst-Laid Plans [Svart of Darkness]
"okay jakey i've got this one for sure this time" "give me the rundown" "okay so i have hired the pixington mafia to hide inside the mailbox with their tiny pixington tommy guns and spray the post lady with lead when she opens the mailbox" "not your worst idea" "i know right now quiet she's coming" The post lady pulls up and opens the mailbox, instantly being sprayed by pixington tommy gun fire. All the tiny bullets are no match for her standard-issue post lady kevlar vest. This, however, is just a distraction for another pixington mafia member to sneak up behind the post lady with a piano wire and wrap it around her neck. The post lady is taken aback for a moment, but remembers her training and uses the metal rod hidden inside her standard-issue post lady ponytail to whack the mafioso away. "damn that post lady and her wily tricks and tricky wiles" "i'm glad i'm not the one with a grudge against her" Michelle sneaks up behind Jakey and begins to strangle him with a piano wire. "take me home"
[reward: pixington mafia t-shirt]

Mission 009: A Slip of the Tongue [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫sweet wonderful you; you make me happy with the things you do♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Goocille gloops her way up the stairs. "hello may i speak goo scarlett" "she's in the bath" "come on this is important" "no one gets past" "♫I NEVER DID BELIE-IE-IE-IE-IEVE IN MIRACLES BUT I'VE A FEELING IT'S TIME TO TRY♫" "jakey i need goo try and goonvince scarlett, goo i assgoome is the leader of the werewolves goo goo being the only one we know, goo join the slimes' strike against the gooppressive jezzie regoome" "hey goocille did you hear the news? i married jezzie and became king of hell" "um disregard what i just said" "no; you signed a contract and now you have to live with the consequences" Jakey calls Jezzie, who apprehends Goocille. "great job jakey!!! i knew you'd be a valuable asset to hell!!!" "well you know" Soon, Scarlett exits the bath, and is surprised to see Goocille in a cage outside her bathroom. "i don't know what's going on here, but i am going to accept it without question" "smart" Scarlett hurries off to where she keeps her clothes, but Michelle is wearing all of her clothes. "take me home"
[reward: Goocille missions]

Mission 010: A Matter of Life and Death [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫a long long time ago; i can still remember how that music used to make me smile♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Arabella crashes up the stairs in a panic. "JAKEY YOU'VE GOT TO LET ME INSIDE" "no one gets past" "IF I DON'T GET BY, SCARLETT COULD DIE!!!" "no one gets past" "a study has been done!!! our canadian water contains SILVER!!! SCARLETT IS A WEREWOLF AND THUS DEATHLY ALLERGIC TO SILVER!!!" "no one gets past; you can tell her after she's done with her jolly tune" "♫SO BYE BYE MISS AMERICAN PIE; DROVE MY CHEVY TO THE LEVY BUT THE LEVY WAS DRY♫" "NOT AMERICAN PIE!!! THAT'S THE LONGEST ONE!!!" Jakey stands watchful guard over the door as Arabella panics in place, desperately looking for a way into the bathroom. Eventually, American Pie finishes, and Scarlett emerges from within the bath, her skin worn down from the silver in her water. "OH NO" "that was the most painful bath i've ever had" "quick!!! what's the cure for silver poisoning!!!" "i don't know" "shit shit shit shit shit" Arabella begins rubbing solid gold onto Scarlett's body in an attempt to cure the silver burns. Michelle rubs toothpaste into the wounds. "take me home"
[reward: Arabella missions]

Mission 011: Redesign [Noriko]
Jakey enters his apartment for the first time since marrying Jezzie and becoming King of Hell. "wow it's a lot danker in here than i remember" "as soon as you got married, the decor instantly changed to look like your standard hell dwelling (or "helling" if you'd prefer)" "the fire and brimstone is a really nice touch" "mary hasn't left her drawer since the switch" "i'll go talk to her" Jakey opens the desk drawer and sees Mary watching her tiny television. "hey mary what's up" "oh sir i'm scared of fire and brimstone so i'm just going to hide in this drawer for the next eternity or so" "what are you going to do for food" "well i've got this piece of popcorn sir; i'll be gnawing on it for a while" "well uh tell me if you need anything" "can do sir" Jakey politely closes the drawer, but Michelle immediately re-opens the drawer and slams it shut, toppling Mary's bookcases. "take me home"
[reward: Mary missions]

Mission 012: No-Scoping Whores [Amber]
Jakey stands at the edge of the car lot as a scene goes on that he's not a part of. "hello i would like to trade this car i bought here last year for a new one" "oh why" "my horoscope told me i should buy a new car" "okay how many miles did you put on this one" "zero" "what" "well my horoscope told me to buy a car then too but i can't drive" "i um see" "oh but i did add this wing to the back" "i see that" "naturally that must have increased the value so i should be able to get an even better car" "all right; how about this one" "what's so special about it" "it runs on fossil fuels!!!" "wow that sounds metal as hell" "indeed" "okay let's do the paperwork" Amber leads Unimportant into her office as Michelle begins to steal Unimportant's wing. "take me home"
[reward: Unimportant missions]

Mission 013: Freshly Grown [Jezzie]
"oh jakey good news; now that i don't have to expend most of my energy trying to coax you into unholy matrimony, i have time to take up gardening" "what are you growing" "onions mostly; i love how they make people cry" "you should try crossbreeding onions with other plants to try and make them make people cry as well" "oh good idea; i'll try to crossbreed these onion seeds with these zucchini seeds" "you're thinking small time; what if you crossbred it with a tree, so when people cry when they cut it down, when they create boards or paper, and when they cut said boards or paper" "you are a genius; i wish i'd spammed your email folder years ago" Michelle begins sobbing heavily as she cuts the onions for her stew. "take me home"
[reward: onion t-shirt]

Mission 014: Can't do the Time [Goocille]
"jakey goo've goot goo get me goot of here!!!" "can't do the time, don't do the crime" "I GOON'T BELONG HERE" "your arrest report says otherwise" "the people in the cells next goo mine are TERRIFYING" "what did they do" "goo my left is the dread pirate captain goorgan goo attempted to murder jezzie and steal her goowels!!!" "okay and on your right?" "on my right is kathy and her slave sara!!! she's the worst of them all!!!" "what's she in here for" "tax evasion" "oh dear lord" "goo've goot goo get me goot of here!!!" "you'll be up for parole in a few months" "MONTHS?!" Goocille begins running her cup along the bars in desperation. Her cup is then confiscated by Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: goowels t-shirt]

Mission 015: Don't do the Crime [Arabella]
"and THIS is our videogames factory, where we produce future hits such as blockstack 2: stack harder and of course the long-awaited futurecrime 20XX" Just then, an alarm begins to blare. "OH NO THAT'S THE 'SOMEONE IS TRYING TO DESTROY EVERY COPY OF FUTURECRIME 20XX' ALARM!!!" "oh no" Jakey and Arabella rush over to the FutureCrime 20XX production line, where Gwendolyn is smashing each and every copy of the game with a hammer. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" "i am trying to prevent this filth from hitting store shelves; if it never comes out, i never have to play it for the stream" "but it's got keanu in it!!! everyone loves how wholesome he is!!!" "that word does not fit in the context you used it in" "get with the times gramma; everyone knows keanu is the 100 wholesome chungus fr fr" Gwendolyn smashes Arabella over the head with her hammer. "thank you for that; i was about to shoot her" "any time" Gwendolyn returns to her work as Arabella's employees rush her off to the ER factory. Michelle applies 500 volts. "take me home"
[reward: Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 016: News of the World [Arabella]
"jakey it's terrible; that concussion erased my memory of all the youth slang of the day!!!" "oh how um terrible" "i'll say; how will i market my products to the youths of today without knowing what dumb words they've made up?!" "oh well i guess it's time to pander to adults instead" "i agree; this here is my depressing bleak job factory" As if on cue, the door opens, with Parallel Universe Candice dragging Emelyn into the room. "hi um we've lost our jobs and emelyn looks about ready to drop dead; can we have a new one" "oh yes; i've got just the job for you at faceless megacorp LLC" "what are we doing there" "explaining to the shareholders why the product isn't ready yet" "what's our product" "does it really matter?" "i suppose not" Parallel Universe Candice and Emelyn trudge off to be fitted for their bleak corporate suits. Michelle exits the fitting room wearing the bleakest suit of all. "take me home"
[reward: Parallel Universe Candice missions]

Mission 017: Parcel Post [Mary]
Jakey returns home to see a steady stream of pixingtons flying through his apartment. "mary did you throw a party" "oh no sir i just ordered some essentials if i'm going to be staying in this drawer for the rest of forever" "such as" "well i had a swimming pool installed in case i want to go swimming, a nice basketball court if i want to shoot some hoops, a bouncy castle for bouncing of course, a large screen television so i can continue watching teen problems high school as it enters its fifth season, and i even ordered a jumbo refrigerator so i can eat" "that's a lot to fit in one desk drawer" "yeah um about that ha ha" Mary glances from side to side, shiftily. "what did you do" "i cut a hole in the drawer above mine and installed a staircase so i have a second floor now" "what did you do with the contents of the drawer" "um sir all that was in there was a button and a piece of twine" "and WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY TWINE" "i uh i made it into a necklace sir" "oh yeah i see now that's really cute; carry on" "will do sir" Michelle walks into the apartment in her swim gear. "i heard you got a pool jakey!!!" Jakey shakes his head. "take me home"
[reward: button t-shirt]

Mission 018: The Setup [Unimportant]
"hey jakey nice outfit; i've always thought halloween should come more often" "thanks i know" "anyway my horoscope today told me i need to go pick the demon's flower which only grows in the depths of hell" "would you like a ride" "oh that would be nice" Jakey and Unimportant ride on down to Hell, where the Demon's Flowers are in full winter bloom. "yoink" As soon as Unimportant picks the flower, she is transformed into a demon, sworn to serve whomever planted the flower until that individual's death. "aw man i thought that was an internet hoax" "the internet is never wrong" Unimportant hangs her head and goes to report to her new commanding officer while Michelle plants some Demon's Flowers of her own. "take me home"
[reward: Demon's Flower t-shirt]

Mission 019: A New Life [Unimportant]
"hey unimportant how's being evil treating you" "my master used me as a footrest for five hours" "that must have been rough on your knees" "actually no because she had enough of us so we could just lie on top of eachother; i'm just glad i was the top of the footrest rather than the bottom" "that's good" "yeah and it's not like it was a total loss; she was watching some good television" "what was on" "it was this weird show where a bunch of random people are randomly suffering horribly" "i'm pretty sure that was a live feed from her security cameras" "oh well they should televise it; it was riveting" "i'll bet" "this one gravedigger girl kept tripping and falling into her own graves" "oh dear" "and one guitarist girl broke like five high E strings in a row, and had to shave down a low E in the middle of a show WHILE playing a song" "oof" "i can't wait for the next episode" Michelle walks into the house and slips on a banana peel. "take me home"
[reward: Valerie missions/Julia missions]

Mission 020: Not a Drop to Drink [Gwendolyn]
"jakey uh boss you've got to help me" "what's wrong" "my stream audience is a bunch of weirdos" "well obviously; they're watching you play games and show your boobs instead of playing the games themselves" "well yeah but also lately everyone's been sending me donations and telling me to drink water" "eugh" "i know right? water is gross and as a vampire i don't need it; it does nothing for me" "if my body wanted me to drink water, it would enjoy the taste" "exactly; i keep telling them that but they keep spamming me with water donations" "the obvious solution is to block them from donating" "what no i want the money i just don't want the bad health advice" "that sounds like a predicament" "i was hoping you'd use your new powers as king of hell to remove all water from the face of the earth" "i can do that?!" "i don't see why not" "okay uh i'll try" Jakey clears his throat. "ABRA KADABRA ALAKAZAM" Jakey wiggles his fingers at the nearest of the bottles of water Gwendolyn was sent, but nothing happens. "sorry" "no it's my fault; i was too hopeful" Michelle walks in and begins throwing the bottles of water in the garbage, where they belong. "take me home"
[reward: bottled water t-shirt]

Mission 021: Production Has Halted [Parallel Universe Candice]
"hello sir and welcome to faceless megacorp LLC" "candice please explain to me why the product i ordered LAST MONTH has NOT ARRIVED YET" "we're sorry sir but the company that ships us the parts we need sent us a crate full of bees instead" "i don't want EXCUSES, i want my PRODUCT" "sir sir calm down sir" "I HAVE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH YOU" As Jakey unleashes his rage upon Parallel Universe Candice, Emelyn sits behind the counter, unmoving, as if devoid of all spirit, but very void of beestings. Jakey eventually gives up and storms off, fuming that his product still isn't ready and mildly irritated that he doesn't remember what the product is or why he needs it. Michelle then stomps up to Jakey, unleashing her rage upon him. "jakey please explain why you REFUSE to TAKE ME HOME"
[reward: Faceless Megacorp LLC t-shirt]

Mission 022: A Grave Situation [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on Valerie's door. "j-jakey c-can we t-talk through the d-door" "why" "y-your new evil a-appearance f-freaks me out" "fair enough; are you experiencing any troubles lately" "w-well, we've gotten a s-sudden influx of orc corpses, o-or corcpses if you will" "i won't because that is very difficult to say" "aw" Valerie looks downward, sad that Jakey didn't like her awkward portmanteau. "just a moment" Jakey cashes in his evil tickets for a thirty-second rewind. "o-or corcpses if you will" "what's so bad about corcpses" Valerie's face lights up at the use of her awkward portmanteau. "c-corcpses are extremely h-heavy" "right, that's what gives them their strength and rigidity" "r-right" "obviously what you need is an orcish assistant" "a-an assistant?!" Valerie gets excited at the idea of not having to lug corpses around herself - corcpse or otherwise. Jakey gets out the evil catalogue. "ah here we go" Jakey slides some evil tickets under the door. "okay valerie just hold these up and think about an orcish assistant" Valerie does as she is instructed, and a petite blonde orcish woman appears. "GAH" "hello i am your new orcish assistant, octavia" "h-hi i'm v-valerie" "my contract, which you automatically signed in blood, permits me to 10% of your organisation's profits" "uh w-we're a n-non-profit" "..." "s-sorry" "okay what wiseguy gave you the evil tickets? if i were in charge, that act itself would be counted for fifty more evil tickets" Fifty evil tickets appear in Jakey's hands, signifying that Jezzie both agrees with and takes pleasure in Octavia's plight. Octavia goes to the window and sees Jakey standing outside. "uh y-y-y-YES MILORD HAPPY TO HELP" Octavia scrambles outside to start lugging around orcish corpses, scared of the King of Hell. Octavia scrambles so much, in fact, that she picks up Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: Jezzie missions]

Mission 023: Gravely Pleased [Valerie]
"so valerie how's the assistant working out for you" "wonderfully!!! those evil tickets are amazing!!! i did some evil deeds myself to get more of them!!!" "did you use some to get rid of your stutter?" "yes!!! it takes me far less time to communicate an idea now!!!" "and it takes me far less time to understand your ideas" "it's amazing!!! also i discovered this great new food item!!!" "oh no" "it's called a 'glizzy'!!!" "no, it's not" "yes it is!!! it's listed right here in the evil handbook and it only costs one evil ticket!!!" "valerie, those are called 'hot dogs'" "THEY'RE MADE OF DOGS?!" "uh no they're mostly pork" "then that's a terrible name for them and i will continue to call them glizzies" "what have i done" "you've enriched my life!!! before, you could always tell my speech apart from the other girls!!! but just look at me now!!!" "i'm going over here now" "fair enough" Jakey walks over to Octavia, who is drawing on a corpse's face with a black marker. "what's going on here" "oh milord i noticed that i get evil tickets if i draw on the corpse's faces before i bury them, so i've been doing that as it is my only source of income, and thus the evil menu is my only source of food" "anything good on there?" "no, it's all evil" "no i meant-" "OH right yeah um the canterbury steaks have a nice taste to them" "canterbury steaks?" "yeah, you know how a salisbury steak is covered in gravy?" "yeah" "a canterbury steak is covered in ectoplasm" "oh i thought you were going to say blood" "no, that's a glastonbury steak" "ah" Michelle walks up, munching on a well-done Glastonbury Steak. "take me home"
[reward: Octavia missions]

Mission 024: Back to Basics [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on Valerie's door. "GAH" Valerie falls over, then clambers up to answer the door. "h-h-hello" "oh, is your stutter back?" "y-yeah, i-i-i-i d-didn't f-feel like m-myself w-without it" "yeah, i almost didn't come back here ever again for the rest of my life" "i-i-i w-wouldn't have e-either" "so did it cost more evil tickets to get your stutter back than it took to get rid of it in the first place?" "y-yeah, but i-i-i-i f-figured out a g-good way to ch-cheat the s-system" "oh?" "i-i-i j-just st-stole octavia's t-tickets, a-and the evil a-act of th-thievery g-gave me m-more t-tickets th-than i-i-i s-stole" "oh nice" "s-so i-i-i-i h-had octavia st-steal th-them b-back from m-m-me, a-and w-we c-created an in-infinite loop" "oh nice" "th-then w-we got e-even m-MORE e-evil tickets f-from g-gaming the system" "god bless this evil country" "i-i-i e-even had e-enough left f-for a c-celebratory glizzy" "hot dog" "l-listen, i-i-i d-defer to you o-on m-many things, b-but e-even wikipedia a-agrees that i-it's called a-a glizzy, a-a-and h-has always b-been called a glizzy" "it may perhaps be the time for my wife and i to have our first ever official spat" "o-over a m-mush of m-mystery meat w-wrapped inside a-an intestine? p-pick your b-battles" "fine, but if i catch you using any more zoomer slang, i'm going to blow my stack" "f-fair enough" Just then, Michelle blows her stack from across the graveyard. "take me home"
[reward: blown stack t-shirt]

Mission 025: Distractions [Julia]
"yo julia i heard about the show the other day" "i swear i'm being sabotaged; i have broken more high Es in the last week than the entire rest of my life" "they just don't make anything like they used to" "this isn't a common problem; it's just my problem" "well have you been up to anything that would warrant sabotage" "yes, i'm going to have a guitar battle gauntlet against the greatest female guitarists of our generation" "give me the rundown" "the top-ranked female guitarist is, of course, mavis forge, the metal maven; she's got everything, the pointy guitars, the flowing blonde hair, the tight leather outfit, everything" "sounds like my kind of girl" "next is julia arme-wait no that's me; next is jessica falco, the glam metal girl, with her bright spandex and her fluffy 80s hair" "i do like fluffy 80s hair" "and finally we have lizzy mamba, the punk priestess; but punk rock sucks so i don't really care about her at all" "fair enough i suppose" "but i can't get my practice in while i keep breaking high Es and these kids keep BREAKING PARK RULES" "oh no they're causing a hullabaloo without a permit!!!" "NOT ON MY WATCH!!!" Julia sprints over and tackles the troublemakers, still wearing her high heeled boots. Michelle attempts to slowly walk over in high heels, and falls on her face. "take me home"
[reward: female guitarists t-shirt]