The More Things Stay the Same (2024)

Mission 026: Tourning the Gears [Julia]
"here it is, the day of the grand guitar battle" "and how will you keep yourself from running off to stop rule-breakers" "i have deputised this wight i met; she's a spirit of vengeance!!! she will certainly get vengeance on any who dare break the rules of the park!!!" "i can't argue with that" Akari, the spirit of vengeance, appears behind Jakey. "may i see your 'watching a guitar battle' permit" "oh it's right here" "fair enough, carry on" "wish me luck" Julia heads up onto the stage, ready to face the gauntlet. Julia handily defeats Mavis Forge, the metal maven, who subsequently goes over to cry to the king of hell. Next, Julia handily defeats Jessica Falco, the glam metal girl, who subsequently also goes over to cry on the king of hell's shoulder. Finally, Lizzy Mamba, the punk priestess, takes the stage. "time for the victory lap" "not fucking so lady; i've been sabotaging you this whole while!!!" "oh, i had my money on mavis" "you fool, i was the one who nearly broke every high E you own!!! i was the one who hired those kids to break your precious park rules!!! and look, they're doing it again" Julia looks over to see Akari brutally murdering rule-breakers by the statue, holding her permit for such a thing aloft. In response, Julia plays a blazing solo that completely annihilates Lizzy Mamba's own effort. "damn" "i almost feel bad for you; with the prize money, you could have bought clothes and a guitar that weren't hauled out of a dumpster" "it's an aesthetic you idiot" "wait, you look like that on purpose?" Julia erupts into raucous laughter. "i-" Julia begins to laugh even harder. Lizzy Mamba stomps off the stage in a huff, over to the king of hell. "do people really think my rough-sawn image looks stupid" "now that they know it's on purpose, yes; i just assumed you were homeless and got your hair caught in a woodchipper" "i spent months contemplating the proper angle for my crooked haircut" "months that could have been spent getting better at the guitar" "..." "..." "i feel so foolish" Michelle walks up behind Lizzy Mamba and spends some evil tickets to make her look less like a hobo. "take me home"
[reward: Akari missions]

Mission 027: Miserable New Friends [Jezzie]
"jakey i am really impressed with your recent spate of dream-crushing" "well i try" "you know that punk rock girl you brutally dispatched with words alone? she's entered law school" "ouch" "did you know her real name isn't lizzy mamba? it's lisa membraños" "i can see why she'd change it; lisa is a terrible name" "indeed" "how are the other two holding up" "well, mavis forge is currently drinking herself to death and may need a new liver soon, and jessica falco is crying while eating her twelfth tub of ice cream" "that's not going to be good for her figure" "oh don't worry about it; she's got enough evil tickets to slim back down" "oh good; does mavis have enough evil tickets for a new liver" "no, she's going to die soon" "oh" "and we're running out of livers anyway" Jezzie turns Jakey around to see Michelle hucking liver after liver at the wall. "take me home"
[reward: Mavis Forge missions/Jessica Falco missions/Lizzy Mamba missions]

Mission 028: At the Knees [Jezzie]
"jakey is that your bodyguard up there in the vents" "probably" "she's not looking so good" "yeah, she's evil now" "okay sorry, rephrase: she's dying" "we're all slowly dying, it's a part of life" "yes, but she's going to die in a week due to kidney failure" "what" "her kidneys are unable to process all the evil that's being pumped into them" "wait, seriously?" "yeah, and we're out of kidneys due to the same affliction happening to most of canada" "how come i've never heard of this until now" "usually, people who become evil do so either of their own volition or because they become undead; the undead don't use their organs, and those who become evil of their own volition have been desensitised over the years due to a predilection for evil" "so what do i do" "i'd grab a kidney or two from someone who's not currently using hers, or someone you don't like who is" "well, i'll ask around on my rounds, i suppose" "good idea, you've got a whole week, that's plenty of time to putt about on your usual day-to-day while your bodyguard suffers" "well when you put it that way-" "don't worry about it; if you don't get around to it, we'll just bring her back as a lich or something cool" "that does sound pretty cool" Michelle walks up and hands Jakey a bucket of unusable kidneys. "take me home"
[reward: Special Agent Grace missions]

Mission 029: Let Sleeping Dogs Lie [Octavia]
"how's the graveyard shift going octy" "o-octy?" "no?" "octy? seriously?" "yes?" "i suppose i'll get used to it; anyway, the graveyard shift got exciting for like five minutes then it got boring again" "oh? what happened" "we had a graverobbery attempt" "really?" "yeah, this girl here, let's call her 'sioby' (she looks like a sioby), she came to rob our graves" "oh, for jewelry?" "no, kidneys" "really?" "yeah, apparently, canada is currently going through a kidney shortage, and sioby here wanted to take advantage" "so where are the kidneys" "well she had a sack full of them, so after i knocked her out, i decided to incinerate all the kidneys she'd stolen" "of course" "i got like 5000 evil tickets for it" "i'll bet" "then i wanted to do something cool to make some more evil tickets, so i got it in my head that i'd grab sioby by the hair and swing her around and huck her off the cliff yelling 'so long gay bowser', but her hair is so slickery" "yeah, it's a natural slickeriness from tilling the oil fields all day" "what? you don't till oil fields" "she found that fact out a bit later on" "so that's why she's resorted to thievery; i feel kind of bad for her now" "i'll get her home" Michelle clears her throat loudly. "home-adjacent" Michelle nods. "take me home"
[reward: Siobhan missions]

Mission 030: Boxed Out [Octavia]
Jakey walks up to Octavia, who has strung up a dead body like a punching bag, and is currently assaulting it, her pockets overflowing with evil tickets. "exercise?" "training; i'm not just a gravekeeper's assistant, you know, i'm a champion orcish boxer" "really? a champion?" "yes, do i not have the poise of a champion?" "well yeah, but i assumed it was the poise of a champion of shot-put or discus" "i'm offended, legitimately" "there's nothing wrong with the shot-put" "i have what is described in the medical world as a 'napoleon complex'; my petit frame has spurred me on to want to punch everyone i see so i had two choices: boxer or life-sentence prisoner" "i can understand why, but a lot of men like petit women" "human men, not orcish men" "fair" "unfair; i am doomed to be the strongest orc woman and cute as a button, but i am only ever approached by human men and - UGH - elves" "most women would love to be hit on by elvis" "no elves, as in the ones with pointy ears" "oh" "that's why i'm saving up my evil tickets, so i can get taller, inch by inch" "how much for an inch" "ten billion evil tickets" "how many have you got" "about thirty thousand" "long way to go" "shame jezzie shut off the infinite evil tickets exploit" "yeah, but she herself gained a lot of evil tickets for that" "what does she even use those for?" "kindling, which gives her even more evil tickets, which are then also kindling" "of course" Michelle walks up and sets her evil tickets on fire, which are then replaced with more evil tickets. "take me home"
[reward: Jezzie missions]

Mission 031: A Dish Best Served at Some Point [Akari]
"hey akari what's up" "i'm frustrated" "how come" "well, recently, i ordered food through a fast food drive-thru, and the lady got my order wrong, so i vowed to have my revenge" "as one does" "yes, then i learned that someone else had already killed the drive-thru lady to get revenge on her, so i vowed to get my revenge on this person for denying me my original revenge" "sounds logical" "but THEN i learned that THAT person suffered a heart attack and died due to a family history of heart failure" "oh um" "so i've been searching this family tree up and down to try and find someone still alive or undead to get my revenge on for passing down a birth defect that denied me my revenge" "being a wight must be tough" "you've got that right; once, i had to go out to the middle of the ocean and dive several thousand fathoms to find my target, only to see that he'd already downed" "so did you vow to get revenge on poseidon?" "i was about to, but then i saw that he was wearing concrete shoes, so i got my revenge on the idiot cobbler who made such a wretched pair of footwear" "are you sure it was his fault? i mean, the concrete shoes come with a warning right on them: don't attempt to swim while wearing" "no no it's all good; the cobbler forgot to put the warning sticker on that pair" "oh fair enough then" Michelle clomps up, wearing her new pair of concrete shoes. "take me home"
[reward: concrete shoes]

Mission 032: Drink to Me, Drink to My Health [Mavis Forge]
"hey mavis" "hey" "so, depression, huh?" "yeah, it's a drag" "you know what else is a drag? drinking yourself to liver failure during a worldwide liver shortage" "yeah, but what are you gonna do" "stop drinking?" "but then i'd have to sorry with my failures without the sweet caress of alcohol" "well-" "also, do you know how uncomfortable wearing nothing but leather is? even my panties are made of leather" "i don't believe you; i'll need to verify your claims" "no need; i passed a leather inspection recently" Mavis holds up her "100% leather" inspection report. "dammit ruth" "maybe i just wasn't meant for metal; maybe i'll get a tv contract to do children's programming" "sing for me a children's song right now" "fine fine ahem: ♫one two three, it's plain to see; four five six, come get your fix; sev eight nine, oh please be mine♫" "sev?" "seven is two syllables and ruins the rhythm of the song" "so you're intentionally going to teach kids their numbers wrong so that music can enter a new golden age of being able to count to ten" "exactly; i'm actually kind of excited about this now" "will you still wear the leather" "of course; i am physically unable to get myself out of this outfit" Michelle walks up and replaces Mavis's mug with one made of leather. "take me home"
[reward: Ruth missions]

Mission 033: You Know I Can't Drink Any More [Mavis Forge]
"so how'd your first episode of mavis forge's music factory go" "i got fired immediately" "why" "i opened up the set like i usually do: 'are you bastards ready to rock and FUCKING ROLL?!'" "rule one of performing: know your audience" "the kids loved it" "i'm sure they did" "ah well, it's all good; i met some fellow washed-up musicians and we're going to perform cross-over metal" "really? what does that entail?" "you know the spice girls? well, we're going to be spice women" "you're going to perform catchy pop hits with crunchy metal guitars in the background while wearing skin-tight leather and heavy eye make-up?" "that's an even better idea" "why? what was your idea" "we were going to perform screechy metal songs with bubbly pop instrumentation" "i'm glad i stepped in" "me too; i'll give you tickets for our first show" Michelle walks up, wearing all leather while playing a crunchy metal guitar riff. "if you wanna be my brother, you've gotta go take me home"
[reward: Mavis Forge's Music Factory t-shirt]

Mission 034: Cryin' When I Met You [Jessica Falco]
Jakey walks into Jessica Falco's apartment, to see her crying over a tub of ice cream. Twenty empty tubs sit beside her couch as the TV shows reruns of the popular 90s sitcom, Chums. "hey jess i-" "NO ONE EVER TOLD ME LIFE WAS GONNA BE THIS WAY" "listen, i get it, it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year, but-" "you'll be here for me?!" "yeah i don't see why not" "thank you, mr king of hell sir" "don't mention it" "can you please run down to the store to get me more ice cream" "no" "b-but you said you'll be here for me" "yes, and what you need isn't more ice cream" "i beg to differ" "what you need is someone to pivot you out of this funk" "but my dreams are completely dashed; my hopes scattered to the winds" "yeah, i know a lot of girls like that, come on" "where are we going" "anywhere but here" "the ice cream parlor?!" "sorry, i wasn't clear enough: anywhere that doesn't have ice cream" "i don't know of any place like that, and, frankly, i don't want to know" Jakey grabs Jessica's wrists and drags her out of her apartment and down the stairs. "ow ow ow" "you can get up and start walking at any time" "oh right" Jakey calls up Alison, who has frequently dealt with crippling depression. "hey alison do you know how i can cheer up a girl who has had her hopes and dreams dashed in front of her repeatedly" "have you heard of the light elves" "no? i only know of dark elves and regular elves" "you know where the twilit forest is, right?" "yeah" "go due east and you'll reach the radiant forest, where all the light elves hang out" "how many types of elves does this world have? this is ridiculous" "as many as the world NEEDS to have" "fair enough" Jakey leads Jessica out to the Radiant Forest, which is just a giant nightclub filled with yellow-skinned elves. "hola señor y señorita!!! welcome to the party!!!" "is this just a 24/7 party?" "si!!! we've got everything you need for the party!!! i am lianne bosque, el presidente of the the radiant forest nightclub!!!" "do you have ice cream" "yes we-" Jessica disappears, leaving a cloud of dust. She is soon spotted at the ice cream counter. "IT'S SO GOOD" Jakey slaps his face with his palm. He then notices Michelle popping the cork on an expensive bottle of champagne. "take me home"
[reward: Alison missions/Lianne Bosque missions]

Mission 035: Sweet Misery [Jessica Falco]
"MR KING OF HELL THANK YOU FOR BRINGING ME HERE" "um i'm glad i could help" "this is the best ice cream i've ever had!!! the music lifts my spirits in a way that they've never been lifted before!!! and light elves are just so pleasant to touch!!! feel this one!!!" Jessica gestures toward a passed-out light elf. Jakey rubs the light elf's face reluctantly. "wow that is pleasant" "i know right? i'm never going to leave" "but what about your dream of being the world's greatest female guitarist?" "pshaw!!! PSHAW, I SAY!!! my new dream is to ROCK AND ROLL ALL NIGHT AND PARTY EVERY DAY!!!" Jakey stares at Jessica, worried, as Lianne Bosque walks up. "this is normal for a first-time visitor to the radiant forest" "oh, really?" "if she's still hyper like this tomorrow, we'll do the standard ejection" "and that entails?" "we spike her ice cream with sedative sprinkles, then get her driven home in a taxi; when she wakes up, she'll have the worst hangover of her life, and will realise the importance of moderation" "really?" "well, sometimes, they come back and do the same thing a second time, but i've never once seen it happen a third time" Michelle is passed a bowl of ice cream topped with sedative sprinkles. "take me home"
[reward: Radiant Forest t-shirt]

Mission 036: Dyin' to Let You [Jessica Falco]
"ugh what happened" "you were given the sedative ice cream sprinkles" "again?!" "this is the fifth time; you've smashed every single record" "maybe i should clean up my act" "maybe" "i've heard that some girls are forming a spice women group; i should go join and add my delicious 80s solos to their sublime pop/metal crunch" "that's a good idea" "okay, i'll do that right away, after one more trip to the radiant forest" Jakey stares at Jessica blankly, then throws her out the window onto a mattress, where Mavis is waiting with her Spice Women van. "welcome to our band!!! i'm mavis, from the park where your hopes and dreams all died, and this is tara; she plays bass" "hello mavis, tara" "..." "she's shy" "do we have a drummer" "nah, we just use a drum machine" "good, i hate those idiots" The van screeches away, leaving only Michelle behind. "take me home"
[reward: Mavis Forge missions]

Mission 037: Laying Down the Law [Lizzy Mamba]
"hello and welcome to mojavistan law school; what can i do for you today" "hey kathy, i need to find lizzy mamba" "mamba, mamba; we don't seem to have any mambas at our school" "oh right um her real name is lisa membrainyouse" "it's membraños" "oh thanks; are you one of lizzy's friends" "lisa" "yeah, that" "i am lisa membraños" "wait, really? you look completely different" "yes, my wardrobe is no longer 'hauled out of a dumpster', as the world's greatest female guitarist put it, and my hair no longer looks like 'it got caught in a woodchipper', as you, the king of hell, put it" "you know, there's a happy medium between 'dumpster hobo' and 'clean cut legal beagle'" "after being humiliated at the guitar battle, i threw my guitar in the dumpster and decided to do what my parents always wanted me to" "be boring?" "yes, soon, membraños and co. law offices will be the talk of the town" "come off it lizzy-" "lisa" "LIZZY" Lizzy cowers slightly at Jakey's new hellish bark. Even Jakey himself is taken aback. "okay, i didn't know i could do that" "i wish i still didn't know" "whatever; lizzy, you are one of the top five female guitarists in the world" "was" "ARE" Lizzy cowers slightly again as Jakey tosses some evil tickets at her. "use these, and rain down molten metal upon this prestigous institute of law" "but-" "DO IT" Lizzy does as she is commanded by the king of hell, and is ensconsed in a fiery blaze. Upon emerging from the conflagration, she is wearing torn animal furs and snakeskin, and wielding a pointy metal guitar. "jesus, i should have just had you be my fashion consultant; this is cool as hell" "it matches the aesthetic you were going for without looking like you found it in a dumpster" Lizzy begins to shred a solo unlike any the law school had ever seen before, the blast of the devil's music propelling her into Mavis's Spice Women van. "hey lizzy, want to join me and jess in a band" "you know it" The Spice Women zoom off to their next stop, running every red light in their path. Michelle emerges from a nearby dumpster. "take me home"
[reward: Spice Women tour jacket]

Mission 038: Kidding Around [Special Agent Grace]
"m-milord j-jakey" "hey grace what's-OH RIGHT YOU NEED KIDNEYS" "i-if it's not t-too much of a bother" "well, lucky for you, i just had a brilliant idea" "oh no" Jakey heads off, with Grace trudging along behind. "hello, candice? i need you to build me something" "i'm swamped with construction projects, i can't just drop everything for you" "that makes sense, or maybe, perhaps you believe you're not up to the challenge" "how dare you" "it's okay, i'll ask someone else; maybe a you from another universe could do it - maybe" "okay what's your project" "grace needs new kidneys that can process the evil that's being pumped into her system" "oh, is that all? child's play" Candice leaves and returns with two new kidneys. "these are made of reinforced tungstelluminum alloy, and finished with a coconut oil lacquer to keep in the fumes from the basalt and poplar mechanisms" "you're the best, candice; sorry for ever doubting you" Jakey turns to Grace and hands her the kidneys. "here you go" "um thanks; i'll go crawl to a hospital" "okay, fine, i'll take you" Jakey drives Grace to the hospital, where Michelle is being wheeled outside. "take me home"
[reward: Candice missions]

Mission 039: New Kidneys on the Block [Special Agent Grace]
"hey grace how are the new kidneys working out for you" "the nurse says i'll be able to do as much evil as i want now" "and how much is that" "zero evil, but i like having the option" "fair" "to test it out, the nurse had me play a terrible prank on victorrhea and now i just feel so bad about it" "what did you do to her" "she asked me what day it is, and i said thursday" "it's wednesday" "i know i feel awful about it" "is there something special about thursday?" "i don't know but i don't like lying to terminally ill people" "fair enough; i'll set this right" "thanks jakey" Jakey walks over to Victorrhea's room. "hey jakey nice evil aura you've got going on there" "thanks" "man i can't believe it's thursday already!!! i just love thursdays" "uh well-" "if i could have one wish, it would be to make every day thursday, forever and ever (amen)" "about that-" "oh man TASTE that thursday air, i love it so" "good news then" "what's that?" "king bran has declared this thursday so great, that he's going to have two of them in a row" "WAIT REALLY?! i thought king bran hated thursdays!!!" "this current thursday was so great that he has decided he needs another one right away to determine whether or not he was mistaken" "oh boy oh boy i hope this becomes a regular feature every week; two thursdays!!!" "yeah it's pretty special all right" "MAIL CALL" The post lady runs into the room and pitches Victorrhea her mail. "oh boy the cure wrote back to me" "really?" "'dear miss victorrhea, we have considered your request, and from henceforth, we will change the title of our song to 'thursday, i'm in love'!!!' OH MAN!!!" "uh-" "'further, we will be destroying all known existing copies of the song, and replacing them with the new version effective immediately'!!! YES YES YES!!!" "did they really say that?" "look here!!!" Jakey scans the note, and notices that it's in Michelle's handwriting. "take me home"
[reward: Thursday, I'm in Love t-shirt/Victorrhea missions/King Bran missions]

Mission 040: Nothing Personnel [Siobhan]
"what's going on sioby" "i'm planning a heist of arabella's kidney factory" "i see you still want in on that sweet kidney racket" "and i think it'll get me one step closer to being called bonnie" "how so" "'kidney' and 'bonnie' have the same last syllable" "but they don't rhyme or flow well together" "what do you want me to do?" "accept that you're sioby" "fine, i'll be sioby, but i'll also be rich once i sell all these kidneys i'm going to steal" "fair enough" "so the kidneys are all kept in the kidney vault; at exactly 10:37 PM every night, arabella dives into her kidney vault and swims around in the kidneys" "ew" "she claims that's how she determines their quality" "no, she's just a weirdo" "it can be both things" "so what are you going to do while arabella is swimming in kidneys" "i'm going to grab a bunch in a sack and run away really fast" "genius" "i know right? it took me months to come up with this plan" "the kidney shortage has only been going on for a few days" "irrelevant" "i don't see how-" "wish me luck" Siobhan snaps her goggles onto her face and makes for the kidney factory. She soon returns with a sack full of kidneys. "see? perfect plan" "i suppose" Michelle also returns with a sack full of kidneys. "take me home"
[reward: Arabella missions]

Mission 041: New Kids on the Black Market [Jezzie]
"hey jezzie, mealtime?" "oh yes, i just bought a whole sack of kidneys from this girl - she wanted to remain anonymous, but she was clearly named sioby; you could just tell by looking at her - and i've fried them up and i am going to eat them" "do they taste good" "let's find out!!!" Jezzie bites into a fried kidney, and turns pale. "no, they do not taste good" Jezzie dumps the remaining kidneys into the trash can. "oh well, i always have a backup meal of veal" "you do seem to really like veal" "it's my absolute favourite; the most evil of meats" "i'll take your word for it" "more for me" Jezzie digs in to her meal of veal, as Michelle dumps more kidneys into the trash can. "take me home"
[reward: Siobhan missions]

Mission 042: Government Intervention [Ruth]
"can you believe this jakey? we're in the middle of a worldwide kidney shortage, and the boss has ramped up kidney inspections" "in order to root out kidney counterfeiting, i'll bet" "so now my job entails killing people who have counterfeit kidneys" "well, if you had your dream job of being a cop, you'd be doing the same thing right now, i'd bet" "incorrect; my dream job is not an actual cop, i just want to play one on TV; i'd only PRETEND to kill people" "fair enough, but what are you going to do about it" "sulk and whine, then eventually just do what i'm told" As Ruth sulks, Resistance Leadour walks by. "KIDNEY INSPECTION" Ruth jabs her hand into Resistance Leadour's stomach. "where are your kidneys" "oh those? i got rid of them years ago" "what" "i am currently resisting the toxins that the kidneys would process on my own" Ruth pores over her handbook. "that's illegal" "well then, i'm also resisting the law" "with my authority as an official alabamanian inspector, you're under arrest" Ruth slaps a pair of handcuffs onto Resistance Leadour, which just slide right off. "i am also resisting arrest" Ruth keeps attempting to handcuff Resistance Leadour unsuccessfully, and after many attempts, manages to successfully handcuff Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: Resistance Leadour missions]

Mission 043: One Man's Trash [Alison]
Jakey walks up behind Alison and looks at her canvas. "are you painting a trash can" "well, yes, but it's what's inside the trash can that's inspired me" Jakey peers beside the canvas to see Violet going nuts taking hundreds of pictures. "what's got her so worked up" "i don't know but i'm glad it happened" Jakey heads over to Violet, leaving Alison happily slapping paint onto her canvas. "hey violet what's going on" "cast your gaze in a gazeward direction and see for yourself!!! OH THE PEOPLE WILL LOVE THIS SCOOP!!! IT'S THE SCOOP OF THE CENTURY!!! NAY!!! THE MILLENNIUM!!!" Jakey casts his gaze in a gazeward direction. "wha-" "IT'S BIGFOOT!!! WE'VE FOUND HIM!!!" "that's a fur coat draped over a stack of old magazines" "i don't believe you" "wha-" "and neither will the people; after all, i've got blurry photographic evidence" "why is the evidence blurry? you've taken like a thousand pictures" "i can't contain my excitement!!! i mean, look at him!!! it's bigfoot!!! THE bigfoot!!!" "you should go up to him and ask for an interview" "OH MAN YES!!! YES!!! GREAT IDEA!!!" Violet bounces over to Bigfoot, still in her trash can. "mr bigfoot, could i trouble you for a few words" Bigfoot does not respond. "um, mr. bigfoot?" Violet reaches out to touch Bigfoot, but the stack of magazines collapses. "i'm shocked" "you see? this isn't-" "bigfoot must have shed his fur coat when he ran away!!! now i have both photographic evidence of bigfoot's existence AND his fur coat!!! i'll win a nobel prize for this for sure!!!" "uh-" "must be off to write the article now jakey bye!!!" Violet rolls off into the sunset, just as Michelle sprints up to Jakey's position. "I CAME AS SOON AS I HEARD BIGFOOT WAS SPOTTED" "he's gone" "oh" Michelle looks downward, dejected. "take me home"
[reward: Violet missions]

Mission 044: Another Man's Treasure [Alison]
"alison, are you still painting trash cans" "i, i can't help it" "what do you mean" "i just, i think i love them" "what" "they're just so amazing!!! they come in all shapes, sizes, COLOURS!!! check out this painting i did of this orange trash can i saw" "uh-" "and the CONTENTS!!! the contents are more varied than the cans themselves!!! check out this painting i did of a trash can with a dead rat inside it" "you need help" "yes, i do need help finding more interesting trash cans!!!" "uh-" Just then, Michelle enters the room and dumps the contents of a trash can onto the floor, then places the can upside-down on top of the trash. "BEAUTIFUL!!! i must paint this right away!!!" Michelle slowly backs away toward the door. "take me home"
[reward: trash can t-shirt]

Mission 045: The Bright of the Night [Lianne Bosque]
"i'm glad you came back señor king of hell!!!" "as am i; i didn't even know this place or even the light elves in general existed until recently" "really? we put a lot of ads on youtube videos" "uh yeah um" "but to a different matter - i need your help señor" "what with" "it's my daughter, lydia, unfortunately; she's going through her rebellious phase" "how old is your daughter" "22" "oh yeah, that's the rebellious age" "she's been devoting herself to her college studies!!! she's not staying up all night partying or anything!!!" "that is worrying behaviour" "i just want to party down with my only daughter; is that so much to ask?" "no it is not; i'll go talk to her" Jakey heads back to the law school, where he finds a single light elf, studying in her dorm room. "lydia? your mother sent me" "can this wait? i've got a big exam coming up and i need to study" "that's just it lydia; this isn't healthy" "what" "kids your age should be partying down, shotgunning beers, passing out on the couch - you know, college kid stuff" "sir, if i'm going to achieve my dream of becoming an inspector like my idol, ruth barlow, i need to study long and hard, all day, every day" "wait, RUTH is your idol? but she hates her job" "i don't believe you; she came to my mother's club once and gave it the most beautiful inspection i've ever seen; from that moment on, i've wanted nothing but to become an inspector" "hold on" Jakey dials up Ruth. "yo ruth i've got some really suspicious kidneys here at the college that need to be inspected" "oh yeah, college kidneys are the most suspicious of all; i'm on my way" Jakey waits, and soon Ruth arrives to bust down Lydia's door. "KIDNEY INSPECTION" "oh boy oh boy" "i'm ruth barlow, i-" "I KNOW I'M YOUR BIGGEST FAN" "wat" "please sign my textbook" "um okay" "i've idolised you ever since you came to visit my mother's night club" "why though" "YOU'RE JUST SO COOL!!! with your rubber stamps and your 'i don't care about your feelings' expression" "i am?" "YEAH!!! you're the best ruth!!! i've followed your career ever since!!!" "well uh keep at it youngster" "WILL DO!!!" Lydia passes the kidney inspection, and Ruth leaves her to study. "that was unexpected" "yeah, i was expecting you to put lydia into spiraling depression, not for lydia to lift you out of yours" "i'm not complaining" Michelle walks up and signs Lydia's textbook as well. "take me home"
[reward: Ruth missions]

Mission 046: The Party is on Hiatus [Lianne Bosque]
"señor jakey it's terrible!!! the party priestess hasn't reported in in over a month!!!" "you didn't seem concerned about this yesterday, but now you're spiraling" "well, yesterday was exactly a month, so i wasn't worried, but today is OVER a month!!! this is unprecidented!!!" "okay, second question: what's a party priestess" "well, we normal, conformist light elves all stay inside the club all day every day; the party priestess goes on a pilgrimage to other night clubs around the world to learn of new and exciting party techniques to keep us at the top of the night club world" "and you think she's in danger?" "i'm sure of it; she's a professional; laurel works hard while we rest on ours" "any idea where she might be?" "last time she checked in, she said she was going to check out a party down at the chinese embassy in the twilit forest" "i didn't know they had such a thing there" Jakey sets off for the Twilit Forest, where he spots a large cardboard structure. "this must be it" Jakey knocks on the wall, and it comes crashing down. "JAKEY I AM BUSY DOING AN INTERROGATION" "i should have known" "the chinese government WILL know the secrets of these dark and light elves" "what about regular elves" "ew" Wu Huiqing turns on the faucets above Laurel's and Molly's heads. "you're waterboarding them?" "well nothing else has worked!!! i tried asking politely, i tried asking impolitely, and now i'm out of ideas" Jakey sighs and tries to come up with a plan. Just then, a little green man walks up. "OH NO!!! ALIENS!!! RUN!!!" Wu Huiqing, afraid to death of aliens, abandons her torturous interrogation, allowing Jakey to set Molly and Laurel free. "thanks, i thought i was going to get eventually soaked, which would have been very uncomfortable" "don't mention it" Michelle takes off her little green man costume. "take me home"
[reward: Laurel missions/Molyndre missions]

Mission 047: Legal Trouble [Mavis Forge]
"so how's the spice women coming" "we're getting sued by the spice girls for copyright infringement" "so? one of your members went to law school" "yeah for like two days" "let me look at this lawsuit" Jakey grabs the documents and begins to pore over them. "we, the spicy gals, hereby sue the parties of MAVIS FORSELLI, JESSICA FLANDERS, LISA MEMBRAÑOS, and TARA DAINES- wait, seriously? mavis forselli?" "it's italian" "jessica flanders?" "hidely-ho" "at least tara was able to use her real name" "she spent five dollars at the courthouse to legally change it from theresa dennison" "you really should have followed her example" "rude" "mavis, your name makes you sound like a pasta dish" "yeah, i sound delicious" "yeah, want to go get some pasta?" "what about the lawsuit" "i'll have my lawyer take a look at it; it'll be a nice change of pace from the property damage/groping charges i usually give her" Everyone piles into the van for pasta. At the end of the meal, the check is swiftly passed to Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: Natalie missions]

Mission 048: A Suitable Arena [Candice]
"jakey i've been commissioned to build a combination fighting arena/gazeebo for an orcish exhibition match between the orcish champion boxer, octavia leavitt, and orcish champion kickboxer, odilia morgane" "sounds like an instant classic" "indeed, but i need you to throw your best shots at this arena to make sure it won't get destroyed by a typical orcish kerfuffle" "okay" Jakey pulls out a rocket launcher and fires at the gazeebo. Nothing happens. "a rocket launcher? really? i already tried 2,000 tons of TNT; you'll have to do better than that" "what is this made out of anyway" "i'm glad you asked!!! it's a tungsteneon alloy covered in sedimentary basalt and finished with metamorphic shale" "i thought shale was sedimentary" "it is until you metamorphosise it" "fair enough" "so do you have any better weapons or is this just a waste of both of our time" "i got one last trick up my sleeve" Jakey walks over to the gazeebo and delivers a mighty karate chop. "OW FUCK THAT HURT" Michelle runs up to the gazeebo and plants on it a mighty headbutt, resulting in a red stain on the gazeebo and also Michelle's forehead. "take me home"
[reward: Octavia missions]

Mission 049: Anti-Abolitionism [Victorrhea]
"jakey can you believe this shit" "what shit" "my dear sister jean just told me that king bran is planning to abolish thursdays forever and ever!!!" "oh no, that is directly at odds with your recently-professed love for thursdays" "I KNOW RIGHT?!" "so what are you going to do about it" "well, i've saved up a lot of energy being bed-ridden all these years despite my illness not actually being THAT debilitating so i'm going to march on the capital and protest" "good idea; the human body is like any machine: the less you use it, the better shape it will be in when you dust it off" "just in case though, i'm going to have jean teleport me to a reasonable marching distance so i can be sure i'll still have the energy for it" "and what's a reasonable marching distance?" "a block or so" "sounds about right" Michelle walks in, exhausted after having to walk an entire ten feet. "take me home"
[reward: Jean missions]

Mission 050: Unexpected Turnout [Victorrhea]
"how'd the protest go" "awful, no one else showed up" "after you printed fliers and everything?" "and i ran TV ads!!!" "did that band you booked show up at least?" "no, and i'm beginning to suspect that i was lied to and taking back sunday never changed their name to taking back thursday" "it's a sad state of affairs" "i need a moment; could you stay and guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'PARTIALLY DEFATTED PEANUTS'" "you can count on me" Victorrhea turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a sorrowful tune. "♫train roll on; on down the line; won't you please take me far away♫" A single tear streams down Jakey's face as the tune continues. "♫THURSDAY'S GONE WITH THE WIND; MY BABY'S GONE WITH THE WIND♫" Not a dry eye remains in the house as Jakey and the nurses all get out their lighters. At the song's end, Victorrhea exits the tub wearing a towel. "PLAY FREEBIRD!!!" Everyone in the facility turns to glare at Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: Thursday's Gone t-shirt]