The More Things Stay the Same (2024)

Mission 051: No Time to Mourn [King Bran]
"okay jakey please guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'POTASSIUM SORBATE'" "you can count on me" King Bran turns and grabs his rubber ducky and heads into the bath. He begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫six o'clock already, i was just in the middle of a dream♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Emelyn sneaks up to the door. "no one gets past" "but i'm king bran's official bubbly bath attendant!!!" "you WERE his official bubbly bath attendant; now jean is in charge of those activities" "♫it's just another manic monday; i'm glad it's not thursday, 'cause that's my worst day; my i'm just gonna burst day♫" "she doesn't know his majesty like i do!!! she will never think to remind him to wash behind his ears!!! he needs my tough love, not another yes man!!!" "no one gets past" "JAKEY PLEASE I MUST GET MY OLD JOB BACK" "i thought you were on depression, why are you bargaining" "I AM NOT BARGAINING, I AM DEMANDING" Emelyn pulls out a gun. "put that down, you're embarrassing yourself" "I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO EMBARRASS MYSELF" "go ahead, shoot me" "oh, these bullets aren't for you" Emelyn shoots the fire alarm, setting off the siren. King Bran runs out of the bath, straight into Emelyn's line of sight. "GIVE ME BACK MY LIFE" Before King Bran can express his disbelief, Jean has poofed behind Emelyn and disarmed her. "for the capital crime of attempted regicide, i use my power as attendant to the king bran to just put you out of your misery already" Jean puts her finger to Emelyn's temple, and Emelyn is put down like a dog. "to think, this all could have been avoided if she'd just swallowed her pride and used the power clean dishwashing solution" "i'm glad she didn't; having a genie for a maid is so much better than having a neurotic one any day" Michelle puts Emelyn's body into the bath tub for a burial at sea. "take me home"
[reward: another grave for a former friend]

Mission 052: Suspicious Circumstances [King Bran]
"hey jakey did you take emelyn's corpse with you the other day when you took michelle home" "no, why?" "it's missing" "oh strange" "oh well who cares; did you see the game last night" "oh the game!!! let me tell you about the game!!! let me tell you, it was absolutely, without a doubt-" Just then a crash is heard across the room. "BRANIEL" "who dares call me by my full name and also without my title?!" "I WILL HAVE MY VENGEANCE UPON YOU" "vengeance? i did nothing to warrant such a thing" The angry figure steps into the light. "emelyn? you're a zombie now?" "a zom-NO!!! i'm a WIGHT you loon" "huh?" "a WIGHT; a spirit of vengeance!!! as in, i will have mine!!!" "yeah good luck with that" King Bran rings a bell, and Jean appears in a puff of smoke. "her again?" Jean blasts Emelyn to pieces, but the pieces reform. "no matter how you try, i cannot be killed again until i have VENGEANCE!!!" "oh bother" "draw your weapon braniel, and let us fight to the death" Emelyn pulls out a bo staff. "THAT'S your wightly weapon? a stick?" "it's a bo staff, an ancient chi-" "it's a stick; you're as bad at being a 'spirit of vengeance' as you were at being a maid" King Bran's words shatter Emelyn's delicate feelings, and she runs off to cry. "i'm glad that's over; so about the game last night" "OH right, THE GAME!!! it was absolutely, positively-" Michelle clasps her hand over Jakey's mouth. "take me home"
[reward: Emelyn missions]

Mission 053: Teaching a New Dog Old Tricks [Arabella]
Jakey walks up to a door in Arabella's house, which Scarlett is standing in front of wearing a suit and sunglasses. "hey scarlett nice outfit; have you seen arabella around" "she's in the bath, and has ordered me not to let anyone past while she sings her jolly tune" "♫it's just your sus talkin', you're finna cap fr fr; sus talkin', you deadass think that you slap♫" "scarlett" "yes?" "i NEED to get in there to kill your aunt" "no one gets past" "if you do not allow me inside to kill only your aunt, i will be forced to drop a nuclear bomb on this entire neighbourhood" "your sister's house is in this neighbourhood" "she'd agree that it's a necessary sacrifice" "no one gets past" "unfortunate" Jakey presses the big red button in his pocket, and out pops a note that says "I owe you one nuke, love Jezzie". "that damn wife of mine; who has she nuked THIS time?" Arabella's jolly tune ends, and she exits the bathroom. Jakey draws his gun, but Michelle whacks Arabella upside the head before she can. "aw dammit i've forgotten all my youthful slang again!!!' "SEE THAT IT REMAINS FORGOTTEN THIS TIME" Michelle stomps over to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: Scarlett missions/Jezzie missions]

Mission 054: Serial Theft [Siobhan]
"so any interesting capers lately" "i'm a thief, not a pickler" "no, capers as in-whatever, any interesting heists lately" "i stole gallons of blood from a blood bank and sold it all to a fluffy-haired vampire for way below market value" "nice nice; anything else?" "well, i tried to steal a jar of ectoplasm from this haunted race track, but i accidentally brought the burlap sack instead of the ecto-sack, so the jar fell through the sack and shattered on the ground" "rough" "i'll say; it's a good thing i'd had it insured beforehand" "you insure your stolen goods?" "uh, yeah? how else can i be sure they'll retain their value if they're lost or broken in transit?" "i didn't know they insured stolen goods" "oh yeah; it's a must for anyone in this industry" "i'll bet" "so despite not being able to take advantage of the ectoplasm's full market value, i was still able to make sure i didn't lose any money" Michelle walks in, accidentally knocking over Siobhan's ming vase. "eh, it's insured; i couldn't offload it anyway" "phew, take me home"
[reward: Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 055: Serious Focus [Resistance Leadour]
"so ressie how's resisting arrest going for you" "i got tired of it, so i got myself some counterfeit kidneys, and resisted the attempts of the inspector to determine their authenticity" "so she thinks they're legit?" "yeah, now i have time for more important resistances" "such as?" "do you see my television set over there?" "the one playing nothing but static?" "i'm doing that" "what do you mean" "i have the premium package; i get every single channel, and i have paid for every paper view movie" "pay per view" "no, i think it's paper view; ANYWAY, i'm resisting the satellite signals to my tv so that, despite getting every channel, i am unable to watch any of them" "what purpose does that serve" "the satellite signals are being resisted, not destroyed; they have to go somewhere, and, as such, they go directly to my brain" "what" "i am currently in the process of gaining knowledge of every program on television; i know the score to every game, i know the plot to every soap opera, i know the big car chases in every paper view movie" "please don't tell me the score of the game" "i will resist granting this knowledge to you, for now" "thanks" "oh no" "what" "the president of bulgaslavia has been assassinated!!!" "oh, rip" "this will cause major unrest in the balkan peninsula" "they've never been the same since the fall of the ottoman empire" "ain't that the truth" Michelle walks into the room and pours out a 40 for her homeboy, President Vuk Bilyk. "take me home"
[reward: President Vuk Bilyk t-shirt]

Mission 056: Decisions, Decisions [Violet]
"i can't believe it jakey" "believe what" "while i was off searching for bigfoot, i missed three huge king bran-related scoops!!!" "three? i only count two" "which ones do you have" "first, he abolished thursdays forever and ever" "right" "then, he had his new maid murder his old maid and she turned into a wight" "right" "so what's the other one" "you know how we all call him 'king bran'?" "yeah?" "well, the 'bran' is actually short for 'braniel'!!! i never would have guessed!!!" "what did you think it was short for" "branley" "see, i was always under the impression it was short for branfried" "no, that was his father's name" "oh really?" "anyway, i need my own scoop now, so tell me: what is 'jakey' short for" "jakeyzekiel" "seriously? you always struck me as a 'jakeyphraim'" "that was the name of the jakey back during the wild west era" "yeah, and you've got that sort of rootin'/tootin' look about you" "if i do, i get it from him" Just then, Michelleizabeth walks into the room. "take me home"
[reward: King Bran missions]

Mission 057: Kidneys for the Kids [Ruth]
Jakey walks up behind Ruth, about to call to her, when he hears a familiar yell. "KIDNEY INSPECTION" "NOT TODAY, INSPECTOR" The would-be inspectee takes off like a bolt of lightning. Ruth stares at her mark's back, blankly. "are you going to chase her down?" "normally i'd have to, but i have an intern now; i can delegate" Just as Ruth finishes her sentence, Lydia drags back the inspectee. "i take it you ran because you have counterfeit kidneys?" "no, i just don't like it when you jab your hand inside my torso" "fair enough, i suppose, but we've all got to do things we hate (like wake up in the morning)" Ruth jabs her hand into the inspectee's torso. "passed" Ruth stamps the inspectee's cheek with a green "PASSED" stamp. "great, now i have to wash this off before i go out to dinner tonight" Michelle turns to Jakey, rubbing her torso where Ruth jabbed it. "take me home"
[reward: torso-jab t-shirt]

Mission 058: A Neat Party Trick [Laurel]
"laurel, are you waterboarding yourself" "well, that chinese lady told me it was a chinese party trick, so i'm giving it a fair shot, but i don't see the appeal; i've tried it with the water drippling slowly and with the water gushing out like a fire hose and everywhere inbetween, but i'm going to have to call this a no-go" "your people will thank you for that one, i imagine" "this is awful; i haven't many any party-related discoveries for months, not since i learned of the 'disc jockey'" "really? it took you that long to discover such a thing? your disc jockey looks like a nautral" "well, we outsourced that job; we have a lot of light elves training to properly jockey some discs, but right now, none of them are up to any sort of snuff" "who's doing the jockeying" "well we wanted to get dj valerie, but she had other engagements, so we went with a young up-and-coming jockey who calls herself 'nilla waphyr'" "never heard of her" "which is why we chose her; instead of paying her money, we can pay her something far more valuable: exposure" "uh-" "that was a joke, see" "oh" Michelle walks up to Jakey and hands him a Nilla Waphyr demo tape. "nilla gave me five bucks to pass these out, but i'm bushed; take me home"
[reward: Valerie missions]

Mission 059: The Future of Partying [Laurel]
"oh jakey you're just in time; azalea was going to tell me how they party down in the distant future of 20XX" "in the future, parties have been completely revolutionised by the technologies available and the massive culture shift that happens around 20X4" Azalea produces from her handbag a simple can. "inside this can is the most perfect party imaginable; once i pop the lid, we will party like it's 19XX" "OPEN IT OPEN IT" Azalea rips the top off of the can, unleashing a massive torrent of party that lasts twenty seconds. "that was it?" "your party needs have been completely fulfilled in the most efficient manner possible; you will not feel the urge to party again for another four to six weeks" "WEEKS?! i'm the party priestess!!! all i do is party!!!" "not for another month or so" "i don't believe you" Laurel pulls out her portable discotheque, which never fails to get her in the mood to party. It fails to get her in the mood to party. "wh-what?" Laurel begins spiraling out of control as Michelle opens another canned party. "make that eight to twelve weeks" Laurel begins screaming as Michelle sidles up to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: Azalea missions]

Mission 060: It's Not Party Time; It's Not Excellent [Laurel]
"laurel are you okay" "no and i never will be again; i am useless to my people if i don't have the will to party down" "have you tried seeing a doctor" "yes, and doctor vladimir said there's nothing he can do; i'm simply overstimulated" "how about hypnosis" "yes" "exorcism?" "yes" "drinking until you pass out?" "yes" "okay, what if you accomplished something so grand that it legally demands a party" "what do you have in mind" "there's a contest happening very soon where the person who eats the most hawaiian pizza-" "eugh pass" "okay, how about being the first person to do something" "such as?" "people have wanted to turn lead into gold for years now; even magic can't do it" "oh good idea; i majored in alchemy in college" Laurel begins writing down formulas, her drive to party once again fueling her every scribble. "got it" "that fast?" "yeah, check it out" Laurel holds up her pencil and wiggles her fingers, turning the pencil's lead into gold. "um laurel?" "yeah?" "pencils haven't used lead for decades; they use graphite now" "oh dammit i forgot" Laurel throws away her pencil and grabs a new one, scribbling even harder this time. "okay i think i've got it this time" Jakey sets the lead block he'd been carrying around on the table. "you just happened to have that?" "never know when it might come in handy" "fair enough" Laurel wiggles her fingers at the block of lead, turning it to gold. "holy shit" "i know right?" "this demands a party!!!" Just as the words leave Jakey's lips, a party forms around him as if reality itself demanded this party, and Laurel is inspired to join the party herself. "i'm cured!!!" "glad to hear it; now hit it, miss jockey" "o-on it!!!" DJ Valerie lays down some phat beatz as Michelle slides up to Jakey's side. "take me home"
[reward: gold brick]

Mission 061: Dark and Light [Molyndre]
"molly, for how long did you know about the existence of light elves" "uh since always? i thought you knew so i never brought them up" "fair enough i guess" "light elves are pretty cool, not like those stupid regular elves" "you know, i've just realised that you're the only dark elf i've ever met" "and i'm not good enough for you?" "no" "oof i was joking around but you took it too far" "i'm good at that" "fine, i'll call up my cousin sabs and we can go for drinks or something" "sabs?" "it's short for sabrina sable; both her names start with 'sab', thus 'sabs'" "that sounds logical, carry on" Carry on she does, and soon, the dark elf Sabrina Sable emerges from within the twilit trees carrying a plate of twilit melon. "hello sir would you like to try a twilit delicacy?" "sabs, he's not from the tourism board" "oh dammit you really need to be more clear about these things; you know i'm expecting them to show up to better advertise our forest so people don't mistake us for those awful regular elves" "did they give you a day they'd be coming?" "thursday, but king bran abolished thursdays forever and ever" "i see the problem here" "thursday was also the day i go grocery shopping, so i've been out of food for a while, other than the twilit melons i'd saved for the tourism board" "sorry" "it's not your fault; i'll just have to go to the grocery store on wednesday or maybe friday" Sabrina loses herself in thought. Molly begins snapping her fingers in front of Sabrina's face. "oh sorry i tend to get lost in contemplation" "you're boring our guest" "no she's not; i'm fascinated by this subject as well" "really" "yes; if you buy groceries on wednesday, you buy foods that give you the energy you need to get over the hump of the week; if you buy groceries on friday, you buy foods that you enjoy for your weekend activities" "SEE? this guy gets it" Molly slaps her face with her palm. "this is why most people write grocery lists so they can get everything they need for both situations" "that's so cold and sterile; soulless even" "what" "grocery shopping is something that must be done with the heart, not a soulless itemised list in times new roman" "just a different font like helvectia or something" "tempting, but i get my helvectia fix writing out my journal" Jakey is taken aback by Sabrina's statement. "helvectia?! FOR A JOURNAL?! why would anyone ever?! journals are meant for crisp caladea" "c-caladea?! surely you jest!!! next you'll tell me you write your email correspondence in wingdings!!!" "comparing caladea to wingdings?! you wound me" "no more grievous a wound than i suffered when you insinuated that any font could top helvectia for journal-writing" "that was but a mere scratch compared to the grisly laceration i've had inflicted upon me" As the two quibble back and forth, Michelle walks up and passes Jakey a note. "a personal correspondence written in verdana?!" "oh dear me" Sabrina faints at the mere suggestion of a personal correspondence written in Verdana. "you're a PRINCESS, michelle!!! act like it!!!" Michelle stares blankly at Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: Caladea t-shirt]

Mission 062: Caladea Dreams [Molyndre]
"can you believe that guy molly? caladea?! what poor taste and what nerve to try and insist it's not!!!" "oh look there's jakey now; you can argue about this with him again directly" "no i uh think i'm done" Molly slaps her face with her hand. "what's up ladies" "sabrina made me listen to her talk about fonts for hours after you left" "it's a rich subject, certainly" "well now she's YOUR problem" Molly storms off, ranting loudly. "fonts, really? i've had more stirring conversations with a tree-hugging regular elf!!! if i never think about another typeface it will be far, far too soon" "what's her problem" "i have no idea" "i would expect this behaviour from a regular elf or like a slime that just kind of goops all over the keyboard, but from a fellow dark elf?" "shameful" Michelle walks up and passes Jakey a note. "a personal correspondence written in miriam libre?" "oh dear me" "you're learning, michelle; i'm proud of you" Michelle beams with pride at the compliment. "take me home"
[reward: Sabrina missions]

Mission 063: Spicy Lawsuits [Natalie]
"hey natalie did you look over that lawsuit i sent you" "yes, and it's complete rubbish" "how so" "the spice women aren't being sued by the spice girls, they're being sued by the spicy gals" "how did i miss that; also what are the spicy gals" "a light elf group that combines spicy salsa rhythms with classic pop hits" "i didn't take light elves for the type for frivolous lawsuits" "neither did i, so i looked closer; the letterhead the lawsuit is printed on is actually from the spiced ladies" "who are they" "a mermaid group that combines tropical rhythms with classic pop hits" "damn mermaids" "but wait; the spiced ladies letterhead was actually printed by a company owned by the spicened chicks" "okay" "they're a dark elven group that combines fuzzy feedback with classic pop hits" "but there's a catch to that one, isn't there" "yes, the rabbit hole runs deeper and deeper" "but the lawsuit is garbage, right?" "yes; i'm working on decrypting the files on the spicened chicks website; something does not sit right with it" "is this even necessary at this point" "if i find out who's really behind the spicy gals lawsuit, the spice women can sue for trillions" "trillions? with a TR?" "trillions of cents, but that's still billions of dollars" "fair enough" Michelle walks into Natalie's office and places five new lawsuits into Natalie's incoming basket. "take me home"
[reward: Spicy Gals t-shirt]

Mission 064: The Bottom of the Hole [Natalie]
"well jakey i've figured out who's behind the lawsuit and you're not going to like it" "is it my wife, the queen of hell" "yeah" "i kind of figured; she loves wild goose chases" "oh so do i; i once chased a goose over the back of the earth to china" "how'd that work out for you" "i had a really hard time coping with the reversed gravity" "i'll bet" "but i digress; i can't file a suit against the queen of hell; she's got diplomatic immunity" "yeah, well, you can still throw out the suit, right?" "oh yeah, it's already in the garbage" Michelle walks into Natalie's office and places twelve new lawsuits into Natalie's incoming basket. "that girl just gets into so much trouble" "take me home"
[reward: wild goose chase t-shirt]

Mission 065: Kick vs Punch [Octavia]
"today's the day jakey; the day i punch odilia morgane in the face" "what if she kicks you in the chest first" "i'd like to see her try" "OH~ HOHOHOHOHOHO HO~!!! your punches are like the little baby; they cannot hope to reach my frame!!!" "dude octavia she's calling you short" "i know; i hate that" "you should just rough her up here and now, preferably in the nude" "no, we must wait for the match so everyone can see odilia's embarrassing defeat" "OH~ HOHOHOHOHOHOHO HO~!!! your confidence amuses me; au revoir" "she is so haughty" "i agree; she is definitely a hottie" Octavia glares at Jakey. "what? i was agreeing with you" Soon, the fighters take to the ring. "BONJOUR et bienvenue to the match of the century!!! i'm your announcer, orelie leavitt, and i'm only slightly biased toward my cousin octavia" A single chuckle emerges from the crowd. "better than i was expecting; anyway, my co-host today is a very special guest, it's our orcish chieftain's daughter!!! the one and only nicole thomp!!!" "son" "quelle" "my last name is thompson" "non, i'm pretty sure it's thomp" "whatever can we get to the fight" "RIGHT; in this corner, we have the orcish women's champion boxer, octavia alexandria leavitt!!! in the other corner, we have the orcish women's championship kickboxer, odilia darci morgane!!!" "kicking vs punching, the oldest debate amongst orcish kind" "fell out of favour when the rock was invented" "but now in the age of comfort and luxury, we are free again to pummel eachother with our own limbs rather than orcmade weapons" "indeed; i'm about to ring the starting bell and then we're off to the races" Orelie gives the bell a loud "ding", and the two fighters walk toward eachother. "the two fighters are circling eachother, planning their first moves" "what an exciting time to be a fan of combat sport" "they're still circling, how tense!!!" "still circling" "still circling" "still circling" "still circling" "still circling" "still circling" "still circling" "still circling" This continues for around an hour. Olivia has fallen asleep. "after an hour of circling, the combatants are still getting a feel for eachother, but WAIT WHAT IS THIS?! oh it's just a feint; they're still circling" Eventually, Orelie has to ring the bell again. Olivia startes awake. "sorry folks but that's all we have time for; the arena was booked by the great cheryl for a magic show tonight and we have to clear out our stuff" "maybe next time, one of the two will actually attempt an attack" "they do say fourteenth time's the charm olivia" "indeed" The orcs begin packing up the arena as Octavia returns to her dressing room, covered in sweat. "that was the most exciting fight of my life" "all you did was circle around eachother" "the fight isn't the punches; it's the space between the punches" "what" "you just don't understand combat sports jakey" "i suppose not" Michelle walks into the dressing room and begins circling Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: The Great Cheryl missions]

Mission 066: A Day Out with the Girls [Octavia]
Octavia stands at the podium on a box, answering questions from the wretched media. "a draw is a tough outcome to accept, but we'll train harder and maybe next time get a better result, like a no contest" Octavia steps down from her box, then the podium. "hate those guys" "doesn't everyone?" "come, the girls and i are heading to ecto-burger to get some greasy food that would be terrible for us if it weren't incorporeal" "i'm down" Octavia and Jakey head down to Ecto-Burger to meet with Orelie, Olivia, and Odilia. "odilia's here? i thought you two hated eachother" "oh, we play that up for the camera" "oui, i could never hate mon petit ami" "i need to get shorter friends" "maybe try the preschool" Octavia stomps into the restaurant and takes her usual booster seat. Once everyone is seated, Claire floats over in her typical ghostly fashion. "four plain ecto-burgers and a large orcish fry, plus a junior meal for octavia here" "i will have the full-size plain burger thanks" "coming right up" Claire floats off, and the orcs gossip amongst themselves as if Jakey wasn't even there. "so then i says to nilla, you know what i says? i says-" "BANTER INSPECTION" "eugh" "hello, my name is ruth barlow, from the inspection board" "bonjour inspector" "lay it on me; your best banter between ladies" "okay ahem: nice booster seat octavia, it really brings out your eyes" "have goo got anything other than short jokes" "pardon?" "is anyone here able goo tell any jokes that aren't related goo octavia's height" "uh-" "wait a moment, this isn't ruth barlow at all; i'd recognise that accent anywhere" Jakey rips off "Ruth"'s mask, revealing a slimy purple mass. "ew" "you're not who i was expecting" "my name is goosan, and octavia is my idol" "why" "when i was young, i was hit by a truck carrying red dye #3, which stained my goorlishly blue body purple; i've been ostracised ever since, just like octavia for her height; she's a role model for us goorls goo were in disfigooring accidents everywhere" "i wasn't in a disfiguring accident" "what? i read goor authorised bigoography; it says goo tripped and fell ingoo a radigooactive dryer and shrunk like a pair of pants" "WHAT?!" The rest of the orc girls begin laughing hysterically. "that biography was authorised all right; authorised by us three" Octavia's rage boils; the rest of the girls have gone too far. Octavia rears back to strike Odilia. "here's your food!!!" Claire slaps down the five burgers and the fries. The girls immediately begin to eat. "jakey are goo gooing goo eat that" "knock yourself out" Goosan greedily digs in to the ecto-burger as Michelle runs from the kitchen area clutching an armful of junior meal toys. "take me home"
[reward: Claire missions/Ruth missions/Goosan missions]

Mission 067: Splitting Duties [Jean]
"hey jean what's with the crystal ball" "the king bran wants me to find him a court wizard" "but can't you do it? being a genie and all" "i can, and i was doing it, but k.b. wants to lighten my workload so i have more time to spend with my beloved little sister; she's having a rough time in this cold, thursdayless world" "so have you got any candidates" "i wanted the great cheryl to do it, but she declined" "naturally" "so i'm about to interview a young wizard named ortence allard" "never heard of her" "which means she'll be cheap" "hopefully" Jean rings her little bell, signalling Ortence to come into the room. "an orcish wizard?!" "never thought i'd see the day" "what makes an orc become a wizard" "birth defects" "ouch; tell to us your long and winded story" "i was born with the heavy skin and musculature of an orc, but the frail and brittle bones of a human; my human-esque skeleton could never support my orcish skin and musculature, so i was kept alive by a wizard in the mystic forest until i was old enough to learn the magicks needed to keep myself alive" "well at least you're self-sufficient" "then i returned to the orcish encampment in my native canada" "i thought all orcs lived in mojavistan" "aren't you the prince of canada?" "yes?" "and you have no knowledge of the snorcs of the south-west?" "um, no? to be fair, though, i didn't even know light elves existed until a few days ago" "truly a worldly monarch" "anyway, back to your story" "OH right, i reunited with my snorcish kin and they rejected me!!! an orc learning magic is something, they say, that just shouldn't happen" "and now you're here?" "well, there was some alcoholism in there somewhere, but pretty much" "okay thank you for coming in; good news, you're a finalist" "oh, who am i up against" "a human witch from alabama who is a recovering murderholic" "oh uh" "i'll fax your two profiles to the king bran and we'll get a response shortly" Jean puts the documents into the fax machine, and soon gets back a fax from the King Bran that simply says "the orc". "tasteful impact font, i approve" "well that's that; congratulations ortence; let me show you to your tower" "ooh i've always wanted a tower" Just as the girls leave, Jakey gets a fax from Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: Victorrhea missions/Ortence missions]

Mission 068: Breaking the News [Jean]
"oh good jakey i want you to be a witness in case this goes south" "what's up" "i've called the recovering murderholic witch trixie here to explain that she didn't get the job" "oh yeah that could go poorly" Jean rings her little bell, signalling Trixie to come into the room. "first i'd like to say thank you for this opportunity" "well uh miss trixie, after much consideration, king bran has decided to go in a different direction" "meaning he hired someone else" "right" "oh well; guess it's back to ridesharing; thanks for your time" Trixie disappears in a puff of smoke. "that went well" Trixie reappears in a puff of smoke with a passenger. "that'll be thirty bucks" "here you go my fair lady; keep the change" The passenger hands Trixie a crisp fifty. "thank you muchly" Trixie disappears again, leaving just Jakey, Jean, and Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: Trixie missions]

Mission 069: Wightly and Sprightly [Emelyn]
"so emmy how's being a wight treating you" "i've been better" "i like what you did with your hair" "jezzie said only having one eye available is a poor decision regardless of your field of work, and suggested that my poor depth perception was to blame for me losing my career/life" "wise words" "and as soon as i started walking the streets of alabama aimlessly, a movie producer came up to me and asked me to star in a movie" "wow most girls need to spend years working as a waitress and getting depressed and considering suicide before anything like that happens to them" "well, two out of three ain't bad" "so did you accept" "yeah i've got nothing else going on; maybe i missed my calling" "i hope so for your sake" "he gave me this huge script; apparently i will play a taxi-driving wight who gets wrapped up in a string of serial killings, unknowingly giving the killer rides as he disguises himself to avoid suspicion" "isn't that just collateral but spread out over a longer period of time" "yeah but there hasn't been a single original idea in hollywood since the 30s; we'll call it an homage" "will you at least be acting alongside tom cruise" "no, it's some crazy woman from mojavistan" "oh, well either way i'm happy for you" "thanks, wish me luck" Emelyn steps into the hyperbolic time chamber, and exits a few seconds later. "movie's done" "god bless time distortion" "it's done wonders for the fast food industry" "so how'd it go" "i think it went well; it's the best time i've had since you know" "nice" "well the critic reviews are in" "god bless time distortion" "let's see 'the star of the show is clearly the cute wight driving the cab' oh wow" "sounds like they like you, they really like you" "my face feels really weird right now; am i having a stroke" "no, you're just smiling" "oh, that hasn't happened in a while; i'd forgotten what it felt like" "all's well that ends well right" "right" Michelle steps out of the hyperbolic time chamber and begins to throw roses at Emelyn. "take me home"
[reward: Not Collateral t-shirt]

Mission 070: Wrong Turn [Emelyn]
"jakey i think i'm being stalked" "you are hollywood's newest star, so it comes with the territory" "well i continued reading the review i only read one sentence of last time we spoke, and it continues 'her co-star is absolutely wretched in comparison, like she does not belong in hollywood at all'" "harsh" "so i believe my co-star is stalking me to try and kill me" "like the serial killer in the movie" "yes, she's a method actress; she really gets into her roles" "fair enough, but you're an unkillable machine of vengeance" "oh right i forgot" "how could you forget? have you not looked in a mirror lately?" "i mean i did but i thought it was one of those black and white mirrors like they had back in the 50s" "that's televisions" "no, i think it's mirrors too" Michelle walks up to Jakey and holds up an old black and white mirror. "take me home"
[reward: black and white mirror appears at the apartment]

Mission 071: The Drill is Known [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫WHY DO YOU BUILD ME UP♫" "♫(build me up)♫" "♫BUTTERCUP BABY JUST TO LET ME DOWN♫" "♫(let me down)♫" "♫AND MESS ME AROUND AND THEN WORST OF ALL♫" "♫(worst of all)♫" Jakey bops along to the tune, but his bopping is cut short. "RIBOFLAVIN RIBOFLAVIN" Jakey kicks down the door to the bathroom. "what's the problem" "THERE'S A GHOST IN HERE!!! I'M BEING HAUNTED!!!" "i don't see anything" "i didn't notice at first because it seemed so natural but someone was doing BACKING VOCALS" "oh, i figured that was something you'd had pre-recorded, because that song doesn't work well without them" "that's a good idea but no; there is a ghost somewhere in this room" Jakey wanders over to the side of the room with his ecto-brand gloves on, which allow him to touch and interact with ghosts. He then begins to punch at the walls randomly. Jakey steps to the corner of the room and rears back a mighty punch. "STOP I'LL COME QUIETLY" "smart girl" Claire floats out into the light. "how did you even get in here; this house is consecrated" "i flew in through the open window" "damn my desire for fresh air while bathing" "why did you do it claire" "i've been a ghost for so long and ghosts can't bathe; i missed it" "fair enough; get out of here" Scarlett attempts to return to her bubbly bath, but is mortified to find Michelle inside the tub with her. "♫WHY DO YOU BUILD ME UP♫" "♫(build me up)♫" "♫BUTTERCUP BABY JUST TO TAKE ME HOME♫"
[reward: rubber ducky t-shirt]

Mission 072: Nuclear Rearmament [Jezzie]
"you used my last nuke" "oh yeah i suppose i did" "what did you even need to nuke anyway; i had like fifteen of them left" "atlantis" "what" "i hate mermaids SO MUCH" Jezzie begins to lose her composure, then runs her hand in front of her face to regain it. "why do you hate them so much" "they are physically incapable of evil, and i can't even properly get at them to torture them" "you can't swim?" "no unfortunately; i was so happy before, when they were just maids and i could torture them at will, but then they had to go and start living underwater" "and nuking them works?" "no, but it makes me feel better seeing all those fish die" "fair enough" Michelle walks in wearing her fishing gear, with a freshly-caught mermaid in tow. "MICHELLE!!! you just earned a promotion!!! when you get home, there will be a brand new garage complete with sports car AND motorcycle!!! and twenty school busses to jump over with the motorcycle!!!" "oh boy oh boy" As Jezzie goes to fry up the mermaid, Michelle turns to Jakey excitedly. "take me home"
[reward: sports car and motorcycle appear at Michelle's house]

Mission 073: Natural Enemies [Gwendolyn]
"jakey do you know what the natural enemy of the vampire is" "the ghost?" "no, that's the natural rival of the vampire" "i don't know, the werebear?" "decent guess but no, it's the harpie" "really?" "it plays off the birds vs bats thing" "i didn't know that was a thing" "really? it's all over popular media" "name one example" "batman's archenemy is bird-themed" "the joker isn't a-" "THE PENGUIN YOU DOLT" "but his sidekick is also a-" "yeah, bats and birds can never get along" "but-" "so i've got this problem that i need help with" "okay but-" "a pair of harpies have been stealing my wifi and now i can't stream the videogames" "that's not how-" "i need you to go to the roof and stop those devillish harpies" "but-" Gwendolyn gives Jakey a nudge, and he trudges out the door and up to the roof. "like oh my god it's like the king of hell" "oh like how do i look?" "eh" "EH?!" "like i was joking you look like um really good and stuff" "am i interrupting something?" "OH no no no no no like no" "like what do you need mr king of hell sir" "i've been told you're stealing wifi" "we like tried to get internet like on the roof? and stuff? but like the internet guy said 'no way' and i was totally like aw man ):" "so we like had to leech off of the vampire's wifi? but like it's totally cool right? i mean like vampires and harpies are natural bffs and stuff!!!" "yeah like just like birds and bats!!!" "like totally; where would batman be without like robin" "see, she told me that birds and bats are natural enemies, like batman and the penguin" "like penguins aren't birds" "yeah like they can't even fly and stuff" "taxonomy disagrees with that" "like science is all for grody noids who like think too much about like stuff that doesn't even like matter" "totally; 'oh like a tomato is totally a fruit' when you like totally eat it like a like vegetable" "science is like gross" The harpies' wifi goes out. "oh like she changed the password like again" "so instead of like 'password2', she's like totally changed it to 'password3'" "totally" The password is entered, and the wifi returns to the harpies's laptop. "what are you even doing on that laptop" "oh we're like listening to this hot new girl group, the spice women" "yeah they're like totally bodacious and stuff?" "and it's like good for the spicy gals to have like competition and stuff" "totally; competition like breeds innovation" "totally" Michelle wanders up to the roof. "take me like home and stuff"
[reward: birds and bats t-shirt]

Mission 074: The Magic Mile [King Bran]
"jakey have you met my court wizard ortence? she's the best; she poofed up some blueberry muffins earlier that were to die for" "sounds nice" "oh oh then she poofed up the original cast of my favourite tv show to do a live action play version of it" "sounds like a lot of magic is used in this castle" "you bet" "what kind of insulation does this place have anyway" "asbestos" "uh-" "you can't spell asbestos without BEST" "that may be true, but asbestos is known for collecting magic residue" "pardon?" "if your asbestos insulation collects too much magic residue, the entire castle could explode" "that's just an old wives' tale" "trust me, you need to replace that asbestos with some polycottonate polyfiberboard insulation, which lets the magic escape through to the outside while keeping the castle temperature-controlled" "and how much will that cost me" "for a castle of this size? millions, but it's far less than making a replacement castle when this one blows up" "i'll take my chances, thanks" "well don't come crying to me when-" Before Jakey can finish his sentence, the castle blows up. "um sorry king bran sir i was magicking up some tea because your voice sounded a little hoarse and then the castle blew up" "it's fine; please fetch me the emergency temporary castle while i call up the construction lady" "can do" Ortence zips off as King Bran makes his phone call. "yeah the castle blew up [...] yeah magic build-up [...] well no one ever told me i needed polycottonate polywhatever [...] yeah i'll pay double to cut to the front of the line" As King Bran discusses siding options, Ortence returns with the emergency temporary castle, and begins to inflate it. Soon, the castle is fully inflated, and Michelle jumps inside to bounce around. "take me home"
[reward: polycottonate t-shirt]

Mission 075: Nothing but Vinyl [Valerie]
"t-today is th-the b-big d-day jakey!!!" "arbor day?" "n-no, the d-day of m-my s-scratch battle w-with th-the dj n-nilla waphyr" "oh, right" "i-i-i st-still don't g-get why they c-call it a s-scratch battle though" "because djs turn their records backwards on the player, which makes a scratching noise as it goes back to the earlier section" "wh-WHAT i-i-i-i w-would n-never do th-that t-to m-my p-precious r-records!!!" "what do you do then" "i-i-i u-use a c-computer p-program to c-create th-the sound i-i-i-i w-want a-and i-i-i m-make a c-completely n-new r-record w-with m-my vinyl r-record-making m-machine" "i didn't know you had one of those" "r-really? i-it's r-really big and t-takes up a-a lot of s-space i-in m-my backyard, and r-runs on diesel" "that's a record-making machine? i thought it was a gas generator or like an ice cream maker" "n-no th-the ice cream m-maker runs on p-propane" "oh" "w-wish m-me luck!!!" Valerie hops onto the stage next to her rival, Nilla Waphyr. Jakey takes his seat next to the club's owner, Lianne. "no one told me that nilla waphyr was a hot orc chick" "i thought everyone knew; nilla wafers are very popular amongst orcs" "i thought all they ate was meat" "it's called a 'guilty pleasure'; every orcish household has a secret compartment filled with nilla wafers" "learn something new every day" "next you'll tell me that you hadn't heard of the orcish riots when they discontinued cheese nips" "THEY DISCONTINUED CHEESE NIPS?!" Everyone in the crowd stares at Jakey, but, luckily, his outburst was perfectly in-time with Nilla Waphyr's beat-drop, and everyone thought it was part of the performance. Because of this, Nilla Waphyr wins the scratch battle handily. Valerie hastily retreats into the locker room, her feelings shattered. Nilla Waphyr walks up to Jakey and gives him the firmest handshake of his life. "hello i'm oslynn; some people call me nilla waphyr, but i'd like to thank you for helping me win this scratch battle!!! i never thought i could beat dj valerie, but thanks to you, i have done just such a thing" "uh don't mention it" "call me" Oslynn blows a kiss as she walks away, leaving Jakey feeling nothing but red-hot guilt at accidentally helping someone he didn't know to win rather than his longtime ______, Valerie. Michelle walks up, sobbing after having learned they Cheese Nips have been discontinued. "take me home"
[reward: Oslynn missions/Lianne Bosque missions]