The More Things Stay the Same (2024)

Mission 101: The Long Con [Emelyn]
"so emmo how's it feel working for k.b. again" "i think becoming a wight made me a little more dead inside; i don't feel anything about it" "so everything's cool?" "no, this is a long con" "really?" "i get close to him again; make him think bygones are bygones, then BAM, regicide" "nah, you're too sentimental for that" "okay, 1: how dare you, and 2: i'm a wight; a spirit of vengence - it's in my nature to get revenge for any slight, and k.b.'s slight against me was what caused me to become a wight in the first place, so i am duty-bound to get revenge" "yeah, but you're secretly chuffed as fuck to be working for him again, and will happily while your ways aday as a member of the task force" "that's twice you've insulted my honour as a wight" "i know another wight that would have tried to kill me for the first insult; so go on, get revenge" "i uh can't" "why not" "i left my wight staff at home" "and?" "and i'm too sentimental; we went to high school together" "see?" "but that's diffrent; you slightly upset me, k.b. made my life a spiral of black depression, then had me killed" "oh sure, sure" "mark my words: by this time next year, i will have gotten my revenge on the king" "i'll believe it when i see it" Michelle creeps up behind Jakey and smacks him upside the head. "that's revenge for you not taking me home"
[reward: regicide t-shirt]

Mission 102: A Feather in Your Bowler Cap [Sabrina Sable]
"hey jakey do you remember that bowling alley i fixed the sign for" "yeah" "well, i was expecting to be sued for it, but it turns out the owner of the bowling alley hated the sign and only kept it to not upset her tasteless granddaughter" "how old is this granddaughter" "like seven" "yeah, at that age, no one has any taste" "speak for yourself; check out this picture of me at seven" "nice MCR t-shirt" "still the best band, all these years later" "oh, i wasn't arguing" "and remember, this was taken pre-the black parade; i knew of their value as the greatest musical act of our age after just three cheers" "what about bullets" "listen, i'm not clairvoyant; also i was three when bullets came out" "late 98 or early 99?" "the former" "could be worse i suppose" "i pity the kids who weren't old enough to experience the black parade as it went through town, and i pity the adults who were too old and cynical to appreciate it" "i'll never forget my first black parade; i saved some of the black confetti" "oh me too; i keep it in this pendant i always wear" Michelle walks up and begins raining down Black Parade confetti. "this is counterfeit confetti" Michelle begins to sweat profusely. "take me home"
[reward: The Black Parade t-shirt]

Mission 103: Join the Black Parade [Sabrina Sable]
"jakey, i am going to bathe after a long day of not bathing; please guard my bath and only come in if i shout 'SHEA OIL'" "you can count on me" Sabrina grabs her twilit ducky and heads for the bath, where she begins to sing a classic tune. "♫when i was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band♫" As Jakey reflects on the classics, the Bohemian Rhapsody of his generation, a solitary figure approaches: the post lady. "package for one sabrina sable" "she's in the bath" "the mail must always go through" "well it'll have to go through me; miss sable is not to be disturbed" Jakey and the post lady glare at eachother, hands on their holsters. "♫WE'LL CARRY ON!!! WE'LL CARRY OOOOOOONNNNNN!!! AND THOUGH YOU'RE DEAD AND GONE BELIEVE ME, YOUR MEMORY WILL CARRY OOOOOOOONNNNNN!!!♫" Jakey and the post lady draw their pistols and fire, both hitting square in the chest. Jakey's bullet bounces off of the post lady's standard-issue bulletproof vest, and Jakey's bullet wound heals instantly. "uh i only brought one bullet" "me too" "so uh" "how about sports?" "oh, don't get me started on sports" Soon, Sabrina exits the bath. "PACKAGE" The post lady shoves Sabrina's package into her hands, salutes, and runs off to deliver the next. "you held off the post lady?" "luckily, she only brought one bullet" "oh dear; well, let me get you a CBLT from that new sub shop to make up for it" "oh boy" Sabrina goes to get dressed, and Michelle appears in her place. "take me home"
[reward: package t-shirt]

Mission 104: Into the Fires of Forever [Piper]
"oh jakey i haven't seen you around lately" "well, i've been busy" "i've heard; your wedding was spectacular, but i can't say the same about the bride" "what's wrong with the bride" "you tell me; i assume you've had a handful or two?" "don't tell me-" "they're fake" "who would have guessed that the breasts of a trickster demoness would be fake" "most people, i imagine" "so how fake are we talking here? an unsatisfied D? a modest C?" "oh she wishes" "huh?" "you see, boobs are god's gift to the righteous; someone evil like that could never have boobs like 'those'" "which explains your pair" "i don't like to brag" "which proves the point" "anyway, your wife's 'boobs' if you want to call them that are actually-" Before Piper can finish her damning accusation, she is struck down. Jezzie stands in the doorway behind her lifeless body. "no need for that now, is there?" "j-jezzie?! y-you, but and but-" "don't worry darling; a moment from now, you and the rest of the world won't even remember she existed" Jezzie snaps her fingers to wipe away Piper's memory from the minds of all who ever met her. "that's weird; this hasn't happened before" Jezzie snaps her fingers over and over, but the memory remains. "jezzie, we can't forget piper; what she was, what she stood for; a rack like that is so good, so pure that the impression is burned in our souls for eternity; not that you would know anything about souls OR RACKS" The veil shattered, Jezzie's F-cup facade melts away to reveal a AA washboard. "ew" Jakey repulsion at Jezzie's flat chest gives her the time she needs to escape back to Hell. "i swear i will avenge saint piper, if it's the last thing i do" Michelle walks into the room and sees Saint Piper's corpse. "you go get your revenge; i'll just stay here for a while"
[reward: respect +/Natalie missions]

Mission 105: We Will Flare Through the Heavens [Natalie]
"i've looked this contract up and down jakey and uh i'm sorry but you're stuck" "what" "this marriage contract is filled with so many clauses, bylaws, ifs, ands, buts, and wherefores that it's simply not possible for you to get out of it" "what about this line here? ''til death do us part'" "that's the one way out; if you or jezzie dies, the marriage ends, according to tradition" "that's it then; i'm going to kill my wife" "but the marriage certificate prevents you from even poking jezzie out of anger, which is why you came to me in the first place, remember?" "..." "..." "FUCK" Jakey kicks over a trash can. "i'm sorry i'll pick that up" "no no, it's fine; just, go outside and mope a bit" "fine fine" Jakey heads out into the fresh air and mopes. He mopes and mopes until the heavens take pity on the dope. An angelic ray of light pierces the heavens, and a figure bathed in holy light floats down from on high. "hello jakey" "um hi there" "you don't recognise me do you" "should i?" "it's me, piper" "WHAT no i totally didn't recognise you as a blonde" "yeah unfortunately the blonde wasn't optional" "have you tried hair dye" "yeah and it didn't work" "that's it; next time, i'm becoming king of heaven and making all the angels brunettes" "i look forward to it but uh shouldn't we do something about your wife first" "OH right her" "your only hope of defeating the demoness is to recruit the ancient dragon women of the draconic peak" "what? why have i never heard of this?" "their clashes with the demoness are in every history book" "oh that explains it" "yes" "so uh where is this draconic peak" Piper points to her left. "you think i would have noticed that big mountain a bit earlier" "you would think" "so uh piper, are you planning to stick around or are you going back to heaven after this" "i'll stick around; there's no rule against angels interfering with mortal affairs; most angels are just lazy is all" "fair enough" Michelle walks out of Natalie's office and sees Saint Piper as an angel. "you go get your revenge; i'll just stay here for a while"
[reward: respect +/Piper missions]

Mission 106: With the Power of the Universe [Piper]
Jakey looks at the treacherous path up the mountain, and decides to take a helicopter. Once at the top, Jakey is greeted by a dragon lady. "hello mr prince of canada sir; my name is dragana, and i am the assistant to our dragon elder, drusilla; follow me and we can discuss why you are here" "oh thanks" Jakey follows Dragana to Drusilla's hut. "hello there" "hello miss dragon elder; i wouldn't normally bother you, but humanity/elvinity/orcsmanship/etc. is in dire straits" "so i have heard; you wish us, the ancient dragon ladies, to once again do combat with our mortal enemy, jezzie" "that about sums it up, yes" "well, i am sorry, but we are busy" "busy?" "oh yes; we are currently in our fiftieth watchthrough of calimari challenge, and tonight is the great debate on what the second season will look like" "you can't help us defeat the evil demoness, your mortal enemy, because you're watching a streaming tv series for the fiftieth time" "that about sums it up, yes" "you do realise how absolutely insane that sounds, right" "after losing many of our dragons to the demoness's hordes over the years, we have become a peaceful people who like to - how do you young people put it? netflix and chill" "what is wrong with you" "now now; i know you humans are short-lived and -tempered, but there is no need for anger; please see yourself out" Jakey runs his hands down his face in exasperation, then turns and leaves. Jakey is just about to start ranting and raving about how useless dragons are when he is approached by three young dragon ladies. "hello human i am drita, and this is draya and drishti; please let us join your fight" "oh um i'm grateful but aren't you busy watching calimari challenge" "if i have to watch that show one more fucking time i am going to kill myself" "we're young dragon ladies!!! we live to fight, not watch netflix" "welcome aboard" Michelle walks out of Drusilla's hut and sees the three dragon ladies. "you go get your revenge; i'll just stay here for a while"
[reward: respect +/Drita missions]

Mission 107: We Stand Strong Together [Drita]
"so jakey do you have a plan on how to defeat the demoness" "uh no" "what" "i was hoping your elder would have some insight, what with your cultures being mortal enemies and all" "okay, fair enough" "maybe we could try stabbing her repeatedly" "this is an ancient demoness whom our people has failed to defeat for generations" "maybe you didn't stab her enough times" "oh could be" "makes sense to me" "maybe our odds would improve if we had more hands with knives that could be stabbing" "i'll assemble all my friends that i've met along the way" "good idea; you've surely gained enough respect by now to build a following" Jakey calls up everyone, and soon, they all gather in the town square" "FRIENDS, I HAVE GATHERED YOU HERE TODAY TO ASK FOR YOUR HELP; ARE YOU TIRED OF THAT TITLESS DEMONESS HAUGHTILY REIGNING OVER EVERY ASPECT OF OUR LIVES? SENDING US TO WORK IN FAST FOOD? RUNNING US OVER WITH TRUCKS FULL OF RED DYE? CONVENIENTLY WITHHOLDING INFORMATION ABOUT OUR DEAD BROTHERS AND FORCING US TO JOIN HER EVIL CULT?" "THAT WAS GOOR FAULT GOO GOOPLICITIOUS ASSHOLE" "SHUT UP GOOCILLE" "seconded" "WELL, I, FOR ONE, AM NOT GOING TO TAKE IT ANY MORE!!! WHO'S WITH ME?!" The crowd erupts. "THEN LET US MARCH ON JEZZIE'S HELLISH TOWER OF SIN AND END THIS ONCE AND FOR ALL!!!" "uh" "well" "i can't you see" "i have um a prior engagement" "yeah i uh have a dentist appointment" "i have dance class" "i have to inspect some rice pudding" "tell me how it goes for you though" The crowd splits, every girl going her own way. "that didn't go very well" "in fact, it couldn't have gone much worse" "excuse me, i have cancelled my dance class" The water-themed superhero River-Girl stands triumphantly in front of Jakey. "so you're in?" "yes, i couldn't call myself a hero if i didn't at least try to defeat evil" "glad to have you aboard" "count me in too" The wind-themed supervillain Typhoon-Girl stands in front of the team. "typhoon-girl, you-" "yes, i have realised something while hiding away on that oil rig all those months; i don't want to be evil, i want to defeat it" "those little gremlin dudes were freaking you out weren't they" "irrelevant" "so are you willing to set aside your differences and work with river-girl" "if she'll do the same" "fine but i still hate that pink jacket" "noted" The team assembled, Drishti attempts to get everyone to make a cool pose before her camera timer goes off. Unfortunately, Michelle walks right in front of the shot. "you go get your revenge; i'll just stay here for a while"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions]

Mission 108: Through the Force in Our Power, It Will Soon Reach the Hour [Jezzie]
"JEZZIE, WE'VE COME TO END YOUR RAIN OF TERROR" "reign" "oh dammit" "i thought you said you had this drishti!!! you set the entire mission off on a bad foot!!!" "i'm sorry okay? i'm new to this" Jezzie pokes her head out from atop her tower. "ASCEND THE TOWER IF YOU DARE!!! i have planted the trickiest traps and-" The dragon ladies fly the team up to the top of the tower. "oh come on; i spent years making those traps for the next time a plucky hero came to slay me" "it's over jezzie; pray to whatever deity you demons worship and prepare to be stabbed repeatedly" "fat chance" Jezzie creates a wall of demonic fire, blocking off everyone other than herself and Jakey from the fight. "oh goddammit" "it's okay, we have a water-themed superhero" "OH RIGHT" River-Girl begins uncorking bottles of water and pouring them on the fire. "uh can't you like-" "no, i can't just CREATE water; that's why i bring it from home" Drita begins to grumble under her breath. "SO jakey, how do you plan to overcome the binding contract you signed? you couldn't hurt me no matter how much you may want to" "i have been infused with holy light" "oh pfft; PFFT, I SAY; you are the king of hell and thus forced to abide by its laws one way or the other" "doesn't that mean i outrank you?" "in most countries, that would be true, but hell is a matriarchy" "oh dammit" "so what now?" "i am still going to try to stab you to death" "be my guest" Jakey runs up and plunges his mighty dagger into Jezzie's chest over and over. "see? nothing's happening i'm only uh bleeding profusely? oh dear" Jakey continues stabbing, burying his dagger into the demoness's flesh longer than he's ever done any one thing. The fire wall goes down as Jakey continues to stab and stab. "jakey? i think she's dead" Jakey continues stabbing, not hearing anything other than the sound of the dagger creating new holes in the demoness's chest. He is snapped out of his trance, however, when a strong wind knocks him backward. "sorry that was meant to be refreshing breeze but i got excited" "how many times did i stab her" "i lost count after about a thousand" "so is she dead?" Jezzie's body explodes into ash and brimstone. "i'll take that as a yes" "well that was fun; let's do this again sometime" Just then, a figure appears on the elevator to the top of the tower. It is Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Natalie missions]

Mission 109: For Victory We Ride, Fury of the Storm [Natalie]
"i can't believe you did it; you managed to break the demonic contract" "yeah, i'm pretty cool; and since i'm the sole ruler of hell now-" "no you're not" "what?" "look at you; your evil appearance is completely gone now" "so i'm not the king of hell any more?" "no, you're just regular old jakey" "well, it could be worse, i suppose" "indeed" "so is hell just free for the conquering now?" "no, i've been reading the hellish rules and bylaws; once the head demoness is killed, lesser demonesses will vie to fill her seat" "oh, great" "it gets worse" "really?" "demonesses can't actually be killed" "but-" "she'll be back in about two years" "WHAT!!! AFTER ALL THAT WORK?!" "if it makes you feel better, she'll have to reconquer hell and build up her power again" "that'll take her like a week, max" "and she'll remember everything and probably be out for revenge" "GREAT." "but before that, her would-be replacements will probably try to impress their constituents by killing you" "i'm not worried about that; that sounds fun" "one last thing: your guardian angel has returned to heaven to guard you as an angel and left you this note" "'never do that again' well, i can't make any promises" Michelle stumbles into the office, drunk off of her fifth bottle of pinot grigio. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/'I Just Finished The More Things Stay the Same and All I Got Was This Stupid' t-shirt/THE END]