The More Things Stay the Same (2024)

Mission 076: A Heartfelt Apology [Valerie]
Jakey stands at Valerie's door, listening to her sob. "valerie? val?" "g-go away" "i'm sorry about the scratch battle; i didn't mean to-" "b-bring th-them back" "pardon?" "b-bring back ch-cheese nips" "oh, that's what you're upset about?" "y-yeah h-how c-could i-i-i-i th-think about a-anything else a-at a t-time like th-this?!" Jakey wipes gallons of sweat off of his brow, and tosses the flowers and chocolates over to the gravedigger's assistant, Octavia, as they will not be needed. Octavia immediately begins consuming the chocolates. "could use some more meat" "shush; valerie, i'm sorry, but cheese nips are gone now and i don't think anyone can bring them back" "tr-try n-necromancy" "necromancy doesn't work on food items; they try it with mountain dew pitch black all the time" Valerie continues sobbing. "have you ever tried cheez-its" "I-IT'S N-NOT THE SAME!!!" "true, cheese nips did have a very distinct uh how you say" "je ne sais quoi" "yeah thanks octavia" "to be fair, i also cried when cheese nips were discontinued" "really? i never took you for the type" "meat is great and all, but it's not something you can just shovel handfuls of into your mouth; cheese nips worked great for snacking or even as a side dish; nilla wafers are good, sure, but they don't scratch the same itch, you know?" "i-i-i l-liked th-the ones w-with th-the c-cartoon character sh-shapes" "as did we all, valerie; as did we all" Michelle walks up to the mourning trio, snacking on a box of Better Cheddars. "take me home"
[reward: Octavia missions]

Mission 077: A Brief Respite [Azalea]
"oh hey jakey i'm just about to go on a little trip back to the future to get some supplies" "is your suit running out of neon again?" "yeah, and neon cyan is like the hardest colour to find" "i'm sure there's a harder colour to find, but you just don't know it because you've never tried to find it" "okay, give me a colour and i'll try to find it but make sure it's one people would want to have and not like 'neon puce'" "neon lime green" "okay b r b as you elders say these days" Azalea hops into her time machine and takes off for the future, then returns two seconds later. "i'm back; notice the neon lime green tubing on my biosuit" "also notice: you spent like two years in the future" "what?" "your hair was to your shoulders, now it's to your butt, and you went from jet black to blonde" "yeah you people in the past still don't have the technology to grow back hair instantly; i can see why you'd think i spent longer there than i did" "do you have any proof to back up your statements" "right here" Azalea holds up her time traveller identification card, which states that she left the present at 1:43 PM, went forward in time for about twenty minutes, then returned still at 1:43 PM. "as a government official, i will accept your weird paperwork i've never seen before without question" "good! by the way, the blonde is because the black looked awful with the neon lime green" "i'll bet" Michelle walks in wearing her black and neon lime green sun dress. "take me home"
[reward: neon puce t-shirt]

Mission 078: Borin the Tourin [Sabrina Sable]
"so how'd the tourist board thing go" "they didn't like the twilit forest as a tourist destination" "why not" "they said it was too gloomy" "but what if your life is overly cheery and all you want is some gloom!!!" "I KNOW RIGHT? i swear, people just don't seem to appreciate gloom these days" "it's a damn shame" "so i've printed up my own fliers to advertise our proudly gloomy little independent nation" Sabrina holds up a flier she made. "is that motherfucking SITKA?!" "hell yeah bro" "dude, give me some skin; that shit is righteous" Jakey and Sabrina share a fistbump over their shared love of Sitka for fliers. "i can't think of a single better font for a flier; i'm going to give you every single one of my kudos" "i will gladly accept them; one of my fellow dark elves said i should have used papyrus and i nearly cried at being of the same species as that uncultured boor" "i would have too; anyone who cannot appreciate sitka is not fitka be in my presence" "word" "come, let us hang your fliers up all over alabama, mojavistan, and canada" "yes, let's" Jakey and Sabrina go on a tour of the world, putting up flier after flier. "well that was fulfilling" "yes, especially when we covered up those awful fliers written in reem kufi" "reem kufi is for handbills not fliers" "some people, i swear" Michelle runs in with her suitcase ready for her vacation. "this is it? my own house is gloomier than this; take me home"
[reward: sitka t-shirt]

Mission 079: Righting a Wrong [Sabrina Sable]
"hey sabrina are you doing graffiti" "i wouldn't call it that; i'm fixing this bowling alley sign" "did they ask you to" "no, but they should have" "what was wrong it it" "a bowling alley's logo's font should never have SERIFS in it" "yeah what the FUCK it's a bowling alley not a law office" "i tried telling their management but nooooooooo 'my grandson designed that sign' well tough fucking shit it's terrible and your grandson might have a learning disability" "might?" "there's an off-chance he was having a giggle" "i don't see anything about misuse of serifs that would cause anything resembling a giggle" "i'm sure someone had a gaggle of giggles when this sign went up" Sabrina dusts off her hands and steps away from the sign. "now THIS is a bowling alley sign" "i like how you made the letter i a bowling pin" "yes, and that decision informed my use of lowercase across the rest of the sign" "this is a sign i would frame in my office" "this is a sign i would hang in a museum" "this is a sign i would show the aliens when they invaded to make them think we're cultured" Michelle walks up and shows everyone the sign she made where she made the lowercase "l" in "bowling" a bowling pin. "what were you thinking" "were you even thinking" Michelle hangs her head. "take me home"
[reward: bowling t-shirt]

Mission 080: Behold in Wonder [The Great Cheryl]
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!!! BEHOLD IN WONDERMENT AS I, THE GREAT CHERYL, DO A TRICK THOUGHT IMPOSSIBLE!!! I WILL NOW-" The Great Cheryl tears a sheet off of a prop. "-SAW A GHOST IN HALF!!!" The growd oohs and ahhs as The Great Cheryl saws and saws through Claire's thick ghostly shell. Eventually, the nothingness is sawn clean in half, and there are two half Claires. "THANK YOU" "now you're going to put her back together, right?" "uh no? how the fuck would i do that? think before you speak, moron" Michelle slinks back in her seat, embarrassed for suggesting it. "take me home"
[reward: ghost sawn in half t-shirt]

Mission 081: That Musky Ghost Smell [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"hey claire you look surprisingly whole" "yeah the boss taped me up real good" "so what's this uh contraption you've got going here" "this is no contraption; it's an aparatus" "oh, excuse me" "using this special aparatus i've designed, i will finally be able to take a bath" "good idea; i can't smell ghost scents, but i assume you've gotten musky in the last eighteen years" "the ghostly musk is my burden alone, but soon it will not be" Claire settles down into her bathing aparatus. "jakey could you please guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'TAPIOCA DEXTRIN'" "you can count on me" Claire grabs her ecto-ducky and begins to bathe. "♫spending all our lives on what we believe in; struggle day by day but never retrieving♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Mavis Forge runs into the room, panting. "let me guess: the power of the metal drew you in here" "i don't care how spicy the women are; they cannot compare to the rush of dragonforce" Mavis begins to shred along to the tune, while still allowing Claire her ghostly privacy. "♫TAKE YOU WITH ME, WE WILL FLY ACROSS THE SEA; TO THE LAND OF THE SUN WHERE OUR JOURNEYS BEGUN♫" Once the tune is completed, Claire exits the bath. "come on let's do fury of the storm next" "do i know you" "no but you're the only other girl i've met who shares my love of dragonforce; come on, be a pal" "oh all right" As Mavis and Claire get ready to start their next track, Michelle walks in. "♫for victory we ride, please take me home♫"
[reward: Mavis Forge missions]

Mission 082: When the Chips are Down [Ruth]
Jakey walks up to a random street corner and witnesses a scene that doesn't involve him at all. The magical ride sharer, Trixie, drops off a passenger, and is immediately accosted. "BROOMSTICK INSPECTION" "oh" "my name is ruth barlow; i'm with the inspection board" "oh, here you go" Trixie hands Ruth her broomstick. "have you ever even once polished this thing?" "well uh-" "and these bristles are just the worst i've ever seen in my life" "well, the broom is really just for aesthetics; we don't fly on it, we teleport" "good, then you won't mind if i confiscate this broom for failing inspection" "WHAT yes, i will mind!!!" "you can get it back once you come down to the station and complete some broom grooming classes" Trixie clutches her Murderholics Incognito chip and begins counting all the days since she last committed murder. Ruth takes the broomstick and leaves while Jakey stands across the street, staring at the scene like a dork. Michelle stands across an ajoining street, staring at Jakey like a dork. "take me home"
[reward: Murderholics Incognito t-shirt]

Mission 083: Agoonising Existence [Goosan]
"hey jakey thanks for the burger earlier; i needed that" "i can imagine; you seem like you've had a rough time of life" "i always ask myself why it gouldn't have been a blue dye truck that hit me instead so i gould still be blue" "i like the purple; it's very feminine" "maybe for your people, but goo zealander slimes are very one-dimensional; blue for girls, red for boys" "i see the issue" "that's why i have taken steps to suppress my accent and try and live in the twilit forest" "why there of all places?" "oh, have you never met a twilit slime?" "can't say that i have" "twilit slimes don't have that goo zealander accent everyone seems to hate, and they're even different colours" "purple and orange?" "yeah, it's pretty convenient; unfortunately, my accent still slips out at slimes so everyone knows something's wrong" "just say you studied abroad in goo zealand" "most goo zealanders hate twilit slimes" "but not vice versa?" "no, everyone in the twilit forest is too busy hating the regular elves" "just like everyone else then" Michelle walks in with a regular elf's head on a pike. "i've got to mount my kill; take me home"
[reward: blue dye t-shirt]

Mission 084: Thursday Bloody Thursday [Victorrhea]
"hey victorrhea what's up" "i'm depressed" "you do look gloomier than usual" "life with a terminal illness tends to be gloomy, but i was able to keep my spirits up knowing that a beautiful thursday was right around the corner; now, i just don't know what to do" "i've had enough of this" "what?" "we will see who has more power: the king of alabama or the king of HELL" "do you mean-" "i am going to spend all my evil tickets to bring back thursdays into existence" Jakey tosses his ream of evil tickets into the air, and they burn up instantly. "check your calendar" Victorrhea looks over, and the balance of the seven-day week has been restored. "t-tomorrow is thursday!!!" "indeed it is; savour it, because i believe i may have just instigated a war between hell and alabama" "worth it" Michelle runs into the room. "JAKEY TOMORROW IS FRIDAY!!!" Jakey points to the calendar. "oh" Michelle hangs her head, upset that Thursday has come back into existence. "take me home"
[reward: King Bran missions]

Mission 085: Order in the Court [Ortence]
"man this fucking sucks" "what's up" "an unknown, possibly rogue demon brought thursdays back into existence and k.b. has ordered me to remove them again and nothing's working" "demonic magic can be tricky" "this job was great back when it was just blueberry muffins and hoedowns, but honestly - why thursday? what does k.b. have against it compared to other days of the week? most people hate mondays" "every single king bran in history has died on a thursday" "oh, fair enough then; i know a curse when i hear one" "so have you made any progress" "no because i spent the last few days mapping out ley lines; i can't believe no one had done this before, it's basic magic shit" "court wizards tend to take their ley line diagrams with them when they retire" "well that's just selfish; especially because nowadays it's almost impossible to tell a ley line from a power cable without digging it up" "have you ever considered using artificial ley lines" "those things don't work; i once covered myself in artificial ley lines and i could barely even pull a rabbit out of a hat, then the rabbit seemed to think i was a doctor not a wizard so i had to peel them off and let me tell you, the glue they use on those things is the only good thing about them; you could repair the hoover dam with just one" Michelle walks in, covered in artificial ley lines. "THE POWER OF THE LEY LINES COMPELS YOU TO TAKE ME HOME"
[reward: artificial ley lines t-shirt]

Mission 086: Honey, I [Ortence]
"ortence? you in here?" "over here" "over where" "on the table" "oh wow you're tiny" "yes" "was that on purpose" "no but i can tell you this: i have found out what happens when you cast a spell on the spot where a ley line and a power cable intersect" "honestly, it could have been worse" "i suppose" "so are you trying to become untiny" "yeah but i need to mix a potion for that and all my ingredients are human-sized; could you help me" "oh sure, just tell me what to put in the pot" "okay, first we need a base of sausage gravy" "got it" "to that, add two lumps of sugar, a pixington's tongue, a strand of naturally black dark elf hair, a cool-looking stick-HEY WHAT ARE YOU DOING" "i grabbed a cool-looking stick" "that's a regular stick you dolt; the cool-looking sticks are filed under C for cool" "well excuse me" "let's see, we also need five ccs of L-type blood" "L-type?" "for light elves" "oh" "and finally the molar of a vampire" "are vampire molars in hot demand?" "oh yeah, they're way more valuable than the canines, but you've got to remove them before killing the vampire so they're kind of rare to get in good condition" "what about vampire bicuspids" "they make good decorations" "oh" "okay, now stir the mixture until it turns paris green but not so much that it turns emerald green" "got it" Jakey stirs and stirs, then gives Ortence the mixture. "that's the nicest paris green i've ever seen" Ortence drinks up, and returns to normal size. Michelle takes a swig from the cauldron, and loses an inch of height. "take me home"
[reward: paris green t-shirt]

Mission 087: Sweeten the Ride [Trixie]
"hey trixie nice broom; did you take those classes" "no, i just bought a new one" "well that's one way to solve the problem" "yeah but it was fifty bucks" "for a broom?" "yeah i tell you this shit is just outrageous; makes me crave that sweet, sweet murderhol" Trixie pulls out her Murderholics Incognito chip and breathes deeply. "have you ever considered hiring an assassin" "now there's an idea; that shouldn't count against me as i personally would not be murdering anyone" "exactly" "i'll call up an assassin right away; do you think they list in the yellowpages" "oh no need to look for one; i've got a recommendation" Jakey hands Trixie Sophia's business card. "make sure to tell her i referred you; two more referals and i'll get a free submarine sandwich" "i'll tell her you referred me twice" "atta girl" Michelle walks up to Trixie and also hands her one of Sophia's business cards. "take me home"
[reward: Sophia missions]

Mission 088: Heartbreak [Trixie]
"so apparently calling for an assassination DOES count as a murder" "oh how'd they find out" "i loudly recommended it to everyone at the MI meeting" "yeah that would do it" "i mean seriously i went ninety days without murdering anyone and they take my chip away? ridiculous" "so what did you do in response" "i killed the lot of them; i already lost my murder chip due to bullshit, so i may as well; it's a free day really" "they brought it upon themselves" "yeah but now i have to find a new MI group" "you seem pretty stable to me; do you really even need a group" "well, before i found my first group, i was a mess; i was killing hobos just to get my next murder fix, you know? i overdid it and now i can't even trust myself to enjoy the occasional murder with friends" "so while all your friends are murdering a guy, you've got to stand back and do what exactly?" "i tried taking up smoking, but i think i just have bad lungs; i cough when even the slightest bit of smoke gets in there; then i tried drinking alcohol, but it just tastes so bad" "i heard some recovering murderholics stab people with a bonnie noodle instead of a knife" "i tried that, but i kept unintentionally using magic to turn the bonnie noodle into a knife" "i can see how that would be a problem" "so i just stay home alone and watch snuff films" "that's uh one way to get your rocks off i suppose" Michelle walks up, covered in blood from the snuff film she'd just finished making. "take me home"
[reward: snuff film t-shirt]

Mission 089: Jockeying Discs [Oslynn]
"so i've been meaning to ask: how did you, an orc, get into jockeying discs" "oh that's simple; i noticed that there wasn't anyone jockeying metal discs; some people lay down phat beatz, but i instead lay down crunchy metal riffs" "i wouldn't expect the light elves to be into that sort of thing" "well that's why a turntable has two disc slots, so you can jockey some spicy light elf rhythms alongside the aforementioned crunchy metal riffs; to be fair, though, i feel like those light elves would party to anything" "try laying down a funeral dirge next time" "i don't know if they'd understand the context; light elves live for like thirty years" "that's not a very long time" "sorry, forgot a zero; three-hundred years" "oh that makes more sense" "either way, though, i've gotten tons of requests to do big stadium shows since winning the scratch battle" "so are you leaving the radiant forest" "no actually; miss bosque has matched every offer so far, which is great because i would hate to have to haul all these discs around everywhere" "that is a sizable pile of discs" "when i came here, i hired a moving company to move my discs for me, and those fuckers de-alphabetised them" "so the maximum overdeth albums were next to the spinal fury albums?!" "and next to that were the atomic inferno albums!!!" "disgusting" "and don't even get me started on where they put the cobalt preacher albums" "i shudder to imagine" Michelle walks up and slips a Uranium Ichor album right inbetween the Bloodaugur albums. "take me home"
[reward: Cobalt Preacher t-shirt]

Mission 090: Anywhere She Glows [Lianne Bosque]
"hey lianne is a star going supernova on the dance floor right now; that's the brightest thing i've ever seen" "no, that's a woman who came in to spread the good word of jesus christ, the man who died for all of our sins" "oh, her" "you're acquainted?" "we go way back" "well, she's great!!! my customers love her" "because of the brightness" "yes; how did she come to be so radiant anyway" "she had the 78% water in her body blessed and turned into holy water" "really? i may have to try that myself" "she says it makes it really hard to sleep at night" "oh, i don't need any help not being able to sleep at night" "she seems to think it's worth it, but i need my ten hours" "i'm lucky if i get four" "have you tried not living above a 24/7 nightclub" "now there's an idea" Michelle wades through the crowd to get up to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: Brooke missions]

Mission 091: A Sliver of Silver [Octavia]
"hey oct-" "shhh i'm on the hunt" "for what?" "the elusive silver slime" "silver slime?" "once in a generation, a silver slime is born; a rare creature that must immediately go into hiding, for when killed, this silver slime grants its killer untold power" "sounds like a myth" "i've seen it with my own eyes; it lives in that cave over there" "really?" "yes, so i've had a shipment of dynamite imported" Just as the words leave Octavia's lips, Bailey arrives in her delivery truck, placing the dynamite at the cave's mouth as instructed. "you know, i've never understood why sometimes the post lady shows up and other times it's bailey" "quiet, she's coming" The silver slime walks up to the package and begins poking around it. Octavia subtly lights up and throws a molotov cocktail, blowing up the dynamite. "GOT HER" Octavia turns to collect the corpse, but sees the silver slime standing right next to her. "meep meep" The silver slime runs off at the speed of sound toward a tunnel. "ah yes, i painted that on the wall earlier; she'll smack into the wall and be absolutely disoriented!!!" The silver slime runs straight through the tunnel on the wall. "WHAT!!! the construction people must have replaced my painted-on tunnel with a real one!!!" Octavia rears back and runs smack into the wall behind the tunnel she painted. "ow" Michelle emerges from the tunnel. "take me home"
[reward: painted tunnel t-shirt]

Mission 092: Demonic Energy [Octavia]
"nice neck brace octavia" Octavia glares at Jakey. "what's your new plan for trying to catch that silver slime" "she was able to run through a painting on the wall so obviously she's either a demon or posessed by one; i have called up the church to exorcise the demon" Brooke waves from the mouth of the cave, where she's set up her exorcism equipment. "okay begin the exorcism NOW" Brooke begins the exorcism, and manages to exorcise a spirit within the cave. "okay now let's check the body" Jakey, Octavia, and Brooke creep into the cave, where they find the silver slime reading comic books next to a warm fire. "oh uh meep meep" The silver slime sprints past everyone and out of the cave. "so what got exorcised then?" "there's a rotting zombie corpse over there" "oh dammit" "always one step ahead, that silver slime" "well, now that we're in the slime's lair, we can place some booby traps!!!" Octavia steps further into the cave, and is immediately caught in a net. "fuck this, i'm done; cut me down, i want to go home" "wise choice" Jakey cuts Octavia and Michelle down from the nets they're in. "take me home"
[reward: silver slime t-shirt]

Mission 093: Friends 'til the Bitter End [Mavis Forge]
"hey jakey have you met my new friend? her name is sylvia, she's a slime" Jakey looks to where Mavis is gesturing, and sees the silver slime from earlier. "we've met once or twice" "she doesn't talk much but she's great; check this out" Mavis grabs her guitar, and Sylvia wraps her slimy form around it. Mavis strums the single most metal power chord ever played by man. "that was so heavy, i feel like i've pulled my back out just listening to it" "i think my teeth are loosening" "so do you plan to make an entire album like this" "i like having teeth, so i may have to pass on it" "maybe you could get a session guitarist to do it; an orc would be able to handle it" "ooh good idea" "the only problem would be when you go to play the songs live and everyone gets mad at you for not being anywhere near as heavy as on the album" "that would be an issue" "so maybe release it under a pseudonym and pretend you're doing a cover version" "'oh no, that's not us; we're the spice women, that was by the space women'" "exactly" Michelle sneaks up behind Mavis and attempts to catch Sylvia in a net. "meep meep" Sylvia runs off. "take me home"
[reward: Space Women t-shirt]

Mission 094: A Force to be Reckoned With [King Bran]
"as you may know, some rogue demon has unabolished thursdays; the most evil day of the week is back and more dangerous than ever" "really?" "yes!!! it will want revenge on the man who ordered its abolition!!! aka me!!!" "so what are you planning" "if i abolish it again, it will be unabolished in response, so i have taken measures: i have created an anti-thursday task force" "oh wow, you haven't created a task force since last tuesday when the guy at subway got your order wrong" "i ordered the bLt not the bMt that fucker but anyway and regardless: allow me to introduce to you the force" "lay it on me" "first, we have an influential celebrity, SCARLETT HAYES aka the girl in the tub" "makes sense; every task force needs a celebrity at the helm" "next up, we have a spirit of vengeance who will surely get vengeance on thursday; here is EMELYN (no last name found)" "wait what i thought you hated emelyn" "no no NO i just don't want her as my maid; she's a good egg" "fair enough i guess" "next up, we have a dark elf from the twilit forest; SABRINA SABLE" "wait, i'm a member of the task force? i thought i was just designing the logo" "you signed the contract" "wait-" "and finally, our greatest ally yet, a princess from a far-off land, please put your hands together for MICHELLE!!!" Michelle steps forward, soaking in the crowd's cheers. "take me home"
[reward: Scarlett missions/Emelyn missions/Sabrina Sable missions]

Mission 095: Force of Habit [King Bran]
"so how's the task force working out" "not good" "oh?" "scarlett has been taking a bath ever since we last spoke, and emelyn has been guarding said bath" "of course" "sabrina is laying on the floor with her crayons, designing alternate logos while kicking her legs up and down" "sounds like her" "and michelle is right behind you, about to ask you to take her home" Jakey turns around, and, sure enough, Michelle is right behind him. "take me home"
[reward: Anti-Thursday Task Force t-shirt]

Mission 096: A Sandwich for All Occasions [Sophia]
"hey sophie, i filled up your punchcard" "oh, would you like to redeem your free submarine sandwich?" "yes, please" "okay; do you like horseradish" "no" "well uh i need to go to the store then" "what" "all i have in my fridge is horseradish" "why" "i thought it would be good; horse meat is delicious, and radishes aren't too shabby either, but i don't think either of those things are used in the making of horseradish" "you've eaten a horse?" "you haven't?" "no, i believe that more people on this earth haven't eaten a horse than have" "i don't think that's correct" "when you go to the grocery store, do you see horse in the meat section?" "no, but i don't see duck either and i know for a fact that duck is eaten regularly, sometimes tuffed inside a chicken inside a turkey" "okay, that's fair" "also: if you count horse by-products, most children have eaten horse" "there is no way that even half of the children in this country have eaten glue" "question: did you get school lunch, or did you bring it from home?" "i brought it from home" "so you don't know the struggle" "the struggle?" "kids eat glue in order to get the taste of school food out of their mouths" "i'll take your word for it" "oh, that reminds me; i have glue if you want your sandwich to be a glue sandwich" "i'll pass" Michelle walks up and sticks her glue sandwich to the wall. "take me home"
[reward: submarine sandwich t-shirt]

Mission 097: Made for the Home [Sophia]
"hey check it out jakey; i used my clout as a war hero to the pixingtons to have them start a sandwich shop, making my recipes" "i didn't know you had recipes" "i'm offended; here, i made you a submarine sandwich for filling up your punchcard; i am certain you'll like it" "what is it" "you know the BLT? well, i took one of those and added these strips of fried chicken to it" "i take back what i said; you are a genius" "i have also improved the meatball sub by adding strips of fried chicken to it" "what about the classic turkey" "added fried chicken to it" "you are the hero this world needs" "just wait until you hear my ideas for how to improve pizza" "i'm on pins and needles" Michelle walks in, and sticks her improved glue and fried chicken sandwich to the wall. "take me home"
[reward: CBLT t-shirt]

Mission 098: The Advice of a Saint [Brooke]
"jakey, i sometimes wonder how i could more effectively spread the message of the lord, so i decided to study the works of saint piper" "good old saint piper; i can't imagine a world without her" "neither can i, so i studied her teachings, and i realised something: saint piper has so many followers because of her giant boobs" "the 'G' in 'G-cup' stands for 'gigantic'" "right, and the 'D' in 'D-cup' stands for 'dismal', so i've made an appointment with saint piper to get my boobs inflated" "inflated? i don't think that's how they do it" "no? i always figured it was like a bike; you hook the pump up to the nipple and inflate the breast" "breast implants definitely aren't air; they're very solid and have a consistency all their own" "hmm well either way, this must be done so i can spread the good word of our lord and saviour" "godspeed" "also: you might want to get that evil aura checked out jakey; it's not healthy" "noted" Michelle walks up and hangs a picture of Saint Piper in the chapel. "take me home"
[reward: Piper missions]

Mission 099: Donut Disturb [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫hey hey the clouds are away; there's straw for the donkeys and the innocents can all sleep safely♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Sabrina ascends the staircase. "she's in the tub again, huh?" "yeah" "and you just have to guard her all day? isn't that boring?" "it's a tough job but somebody's gotta do it" "i disagree; i have prepared THIS" Sabrina holds up a freshly-made sign that reads "please do not disturb". "♫AND I'VE GOT ONE TWO THREE FOUR FIVE; SENSES WORKING OVERTIME♫" "that's a nice sign" "i know right? impact font is used a lot, but it's a classic for a reason; this sign uses the forceful impact font, combined with the politeness of starting with 'please' so people know it's of vital importance, but don't feel angry for reading a rude sign" "you'll have to bring it up with scarlett after her bath" "oh, of course; i'm not an animal" The two wait outside the door until Scarlett exits the room, at which point she is immediately accosted by Sabrina. Michelle posts her own sign on the door that reads "take me home".
[reward: impact t-shirt]

Mission 100: A Sign from Above [Scarlett]
"so how'd the sign work out scarlett" "terrible; someone stole it my first bath, then i was interrupted immediately afterward" "oh" "it was such a nice sign too" "r.i.p." "but regardless; i must bathe" "and i'll guard the door until you exit or say 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you're a saint" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫travelling in a fried-out combi; on a hippie trail, head full of zombie♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Sabrina comes in again. "jakey? what are you doing here?" "someone stole the sign you made" "well that's no good" "i'll say" "i'll have to make another sign that says 'please do not steal either this sign or the one above it'" "i'm not sure that will work; thieves are known for lacking in scruples" "fair point; my signs do assume a certain amount of scruples" "♫I COME FROM A LAND DOWN UNDER WHERE BEER DOES FLOW AND MEN CHUNDER♫" "well, brinie, you tried, but in a world where people would listen to your sign, people also wouldn't interrupt other people in the bath" "yeah, that makes sense" Sabrina hangs her head. Soon, Scarlett exits the bath, her jolly tune wrapped up. "I'M SO SORRY SCARLETT" "it's not your fault; i really liked your idea, it's just that other people suck" "they do suck, don't they?" As the two girls walk off, Michelle walks on. "take me home"
[reward: scruples t-shirt]