Stranger Things Have Happened (2021)

Mission 000: Prologue [N/A]
Jakey wakes up with a lampshade on his head, tied to a chair. "oh MAN that was some party last night" "GOOD you're awake!!!" A man in a grey suit snatches the lampshade off of Jakey's head. "hey wait this isn't the IHOP" "very perceptive, o prince of canada" "hey thanks i've always prided myself on being a good uh perception guy" "it shows; i bet you'll even see THIS coming" The man whacks Jakey over the head with a wooden plank. "ow" "my name is chuck; give me the diamonds or i will be forced to break more planks over your head!!!" Chuck steps aside to reveal a giantic stack of wooden planks. "where'd you get all those planks" "plankz Я us was having a sale; buy one at regular price, get one at regular price" "oh shit is that still going on" "yes the sale ends friday" "aw shit man gotta get me out to the store to buy some planks" Jakey's chair begins to hop all over the place in Jakey's excitement. "struggle as you may, you will never break that rope!!! it was mastercrafted by the finest underage craftsmen in all beijing!!!" "oh damn man could you untie me please i've got to go take advantage of the bargains!!!" Suddenly, a knife falls down and cuts the rope holding Jakey's left hand. "hey thanks" "WHO-" A furious kick comes out of the blue from a man wearing his trademark cowboy hat and his autographed 'Make America Great Again' t-shirt. "SHERIFF ANTONY have you heard about the deals too!!!" "yes; we must go take advantage of these sweet deals" Sheriff Antony lays down some suppressing fire as Jakey unties his other hand. Unfortunately, Sheriff Antony can only lay down six shots before he has to reload. This gives Chuck enough time to huck his gun straight into the air, hitting a button which causes a trapdoor to open underneath his feet. Chuck falls down into his speedboat and speeds off, giggling like a madman. "is he just going to leave his planks here" "DUDE let's load this shit up into the sheriff antonymobile!!!" "fuck yes"  Michelle rapels down the rope attached to the crow's nest of the ship. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/all of the stuff you have on your save files from the 'A Thing' series/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 001: Annual Tradition [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey, you've got a problem" "i'll say" "we need to get you into a support group" "kidnapping victims anonymous" "well that one's kind of expensive; i was hoping you'd go for kidnapping victims nonymous" "you just said the same thing" "no no; you said anonymous; i said nonymous" "nonymous is not a word" "no no it totally is; like something is symmetrical or asymmetrical and it works the same way for nonymity" "okay yeah that makes sense" "so here's your KVN token; you'll get another one when you go a year without being kidnapped" "can do chief" Michelle walks up and slaps her "31 years" KVN token on the table. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Kidnapping Victims Nonymous t-shirt]

Mission 002: Self-Portrait in Bold [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey i have decided: after a whole year of trying to find a good artist to paint a portrait of me, i will have it done by the only person i can trust to give me RESULTS" "are you planning to go back in time to the wild west and have the correct alison lacroix paint your portrait" "..." "..." "i wish you'd suggested that a week ago" "you know i don't leave the comfort of my apartment in the summer months" "regardless, i have decided to paint the portrait myself" "where's your canvas" "right here" Sheriff Antony holds up a single sheet of white lined paper, complete with a row of holes from being torn from a notebook. "and what's your paint" "this beauty" Sheriff Antony holds up a sharpened #2 pencil made by Ticonderoga. "a number two pencil? you pussy; real men use one of THESE babies" Jakey pulls out a fresh Bic Round Stic black pen. "or better yet, ONE OF THESE MOTHERFUCKERS" Jakey pulls out a fresh Sharpie fine point black permanent marker. "are you nuts?! EVERYONE knows that number two pencils are the greatest writing/drawing impliment ever created by man" "there's no way ANY pencil is better than even the worst pen; either way, we all know the best pencil is the ticonderoga number FOUR" "you're making shit up now" "you're just a novice writer/drawer; what would you even know about writing implements?" "I'LL SHOW YOU" Sheriff Antony begins scribbling on the paper until he creates an art. "is that some kind of potato" "IT'S A SELF-PORTRAIT YOU DUNCE" "i didn't know you were a potato" "get out of my house" "you got it spud" Jakey turns to exit the house and bumps straight into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Bic Round Stic t-shirt/Sharpie t-shirt/Alison missions]

Mission 003: Cathedral Indeedral [Alison]
"oh good i've been wondering where you've been these past months" "holed up in my apartment in the air conditioning" "cool cool well I'VE been doing THIS" Alison motions toward the ceiling of the cathedral, which is painted with a beautiful realistic depiction of Jesus Christ turning water into wine and drinking said wine. "oh wow nice" "i know right!!! finally i am getting RECOGNITION" Father Brucie enters the room. "oh is it done my child" "yes sir mr. father sir check it out" Alison motions toward her ceiling mural. "uh you are alison lacroix, right?" "y-yeah" "painter of jesus b/w crown of thorns?" "..." Alison walks over to drown herself in the holy water, but is restrained by Jakey and Father Brucie. "JUST LET ME GO IT'S CLEARLY WHAT THE LORD WANTS" "no way" "yeah he's right my child uh i'm sure SOME people will like it (if they know nothing about art)" "I HEARD THAT" "my child, the lord has a plan for us all that DOESN'T involve suicide inside the church so maybe you should try a different career" A lightbulb goes off in Alison's head. "yes of course excuse me" Alison calmly walks back to her car and drives off. "sigh there go my dreams of having my church be painted by a REAL artist" Michelle walks into the cathedral and begins taking pictures of the ceiling. "jakey the ceiling is so beautiful!!! it has inspired me to have you take me home"
[reward: respect +/Father Brucie missions]

Mission 004: High Art [Alison]
"hey alison how you holding up" "just peachily" "oh good good so what's with all the guns" "i have realised that my artistic talent is not the problem; the fact is that the people who are in charge of judging what is and isn't 'high art' are incapable and need to be purged from their positions" "that's the spirit" "uh really? i was sure you'd talk me out of it" "no way; violence is always the best way to solve your problems, especially violence with guns" "hey thanks jakey i needed that" "any time" Alison rolls up her pack of guns and wanders off to find the nearest art critic, whistling a jolly tune. Michelle wipes a single tear from her eye, proud of Alison. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/violence with guns t-shirt]

Mission 005: The Art Behind the Dream [Alison]
"JAKEY great news!!! after i killed the first art critic, i got my first ever high-selling piece that i actually like!!! check it out" Alison holds up a newspaper. "is that just an empty canvas with the art critic's blood and head chunks on it" "yeah it sold for a lot" "you could make a career out of this" "i know right!!! finally, i will be able to live out my dream of making art that makes both me AND other people happy" "see: violence with guns solves all problems" "word" A ding is heard from the kitchen. "oh good the bagels are ready" Alison pulls the lever on the toaster, but the bagels refuse to come out. Alison pulls out a pistol and shoots the toaster, releasing the bagels from their toasterly prison. "god bless whomever invented the gun" "a hero to everyone" "YEEHAW" Michelle runs up and begins rootin' and tootin', firing her revolvers wildly. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/bagels t-shirt]

Mission 006: The Dream Behind the Art [Father Brucie]
"MY SON great news!!! ever since alison went on her killing spree, everyone wants to see the piece that made her go berserk!!! and people are donating to the collection plate left right and centre!!!" "the lord works in mysterious ways" "yes, the lord is very enigmatic" A loud banging is heard from the rafters. "sounds like i need to call the exterminator again" "yes, definitely" Jakey looks out the stained glass window and sees a startling sight. "uh well congratulation i'll let you get back to counting the money" "thank you my son" Jakey sprints out of the cathedral, and runs over to the hill where Gwendolyn and Claire are fighting over a pair of binoculars. "what are you two doing here?!" "we wanted to see the mural" "but we can't get in because of the whole 'undead' thing" "kind of a drag really" "if father brucie sees you, he'll totally exorcise you" "we'll be fine" "yeah you worry too much" "gwendolyn it's currently 4:30 AM" "yeah, so?" "the sun is going to rise soon" "AH SHIT" Gwendolyn hops into The Motherfucker. "COME ON HURRY UP AND TAKE ME HOME ALREADY" "i legally can't" "FINE TAKE ME HOME-ADJACENT OR WHATEVER" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and takes Gwendolyn home-adjacent, which is where Michelle is hanging out, playing with a ball and paddle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Alison missions/Gwendolyn missions/Claire Who is a Ghost missions]

Mission 007: The Only Rating That Matters [Father Brucie]
"so then i says to scarlett you know what i says? i says-" "MURAL INSPECTION" Jakey leaps up, startled. "all right, my name is ruth barlow; i am with the inspection board" "yeah the mural's up there" Ruth sets up a stepladder and inspects the painting. "oil-based paints nice nice" Ruth checks items off her clipboard. "whomever painted this is clearly a very talented artist; PASSED" Ruth stamps a big green 'PASSED' stamp onto Jesus's forehead, and descends the stepladder. "you clearly don't understand art if you think that THAT took talent" Ruth stamps a big red 'FAILED' stamp onto Father Brucie's forehead, and exits the cathedral. Jakey turns and sees Michelle using oil-based paints to coat the cathedral walls. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Scarlett missions/Ruth missions]

Mission 008: Contract Killing [Alison]
"jakey do you know how to block a number on the fax machine" "no" "dammit i keep getting these assassination requests and i don't want them" "why not? you've been killing a lot of people lately" "if i kill people for MONEY it stops being art!!!" "but you sell your paintings all the time" "that's different; my goal when painting isn't to sell them, it's just a happy side-effect" "uh-huh" "oh jakey you like killing, right" "well yeah" "here you go" Alison places a pile of assassination requests in Jakey's hands. "i can't do any of these" "why not" "assassination request: king bran of alabama; he's my boy i can't assassinate my boy" "okay what about the next one" "assassination request: deputy orange of alabama; he's uh my co-worker that would be awkward" "okay what about the NEXT one" "assassination request: grace sherborne of canada; she's my bodyguard why would i assassinate my own bodyguard" "okay but the NEXT one's gotta be it" "assassination request: prince jakey of canada; i am NOT going to assassinate myself" "fair point; i'll just throw these in the garbage" "thanks" Alison throws all of the slips of paper into the trash, and Michelle picks one up. "jakey you've got to do this one" "take me home request: princess michelle of canada" "sounds like a great one jakey; go on, take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions/Deputy Orange missions/Special Agent Grace missions]

Mission 009: Creature Double Feature [Gwendolyn]
"jakey you know about the popular videogame series waltures (short for 'wallet creatures') right" "yeah i may be out of touch but i'm not living under a rock" "well the game's slogan is 'you have no choice but to obtain every single one' but the newest game in the series cut out half of them!!!" "how can you obtain every single one if they remove several single ones?!" "i know right!!! people on the internet want me to play it on the stream but i have morals" "good; i respect a woman with large morals (or was it molars?) either way, i am in your corner" "thanks; instead of buying waltures dirk and buckler, i will play the best entry in the series, waltures firered and leafgreen" "i thought it was infernocrimson and meadowchartreuse" "right right sorry" Michelle runs into the room, singing the Waltures theme song. "everybody wants to be a master, everybody wants to take me home"
[reward: respect +/Waltures InfernoCrimson and MeadowChartreuse t-shirt]

Mission 010: Hip with the Times [Gwendolyn]
"so how'd the stream go" "i decided not to play waltures at all and instead sit and drink a glass of water on-stream" "oh good call" "whenever someone asked me about waltures i said 'who cares about some crummy walture monsters? dihydrogen monoxide is where it is at' and now look what is 'trending' on the website" Jakey glances at the computer, and sees thousands of streamers simply ingesting dihydrogen monoxide. "oh nice" "well the problem is that i don't have a large enough glass to compete with some of these people; look at this guy" "is he drinking straight from the gallon?! the madman" "so my next stream will be me drinking an entire swimming pool" "it's a good thing you're already dead otherwise this would be a terrible idea" "yeah that's the benefit; no human can out-do me because it's physically impossible" "but what about other vampires" "please that's-" Jakey motions to the screen, where a man with glowing red eyes is in the process of drinking an entire swimming pool. "THE FUCKER" "so is this a 'drink something bigger' situation or an 'assassinate him before he can finish his drink' situation" "the former; the latter will just make drinking swimming pools in bad taste" "so what's the plan" "I WILL DRINK AN ENTIRE LAKE" "fish included?" "oh right THOSE things; nevermind i'll just get the damn waltures game" "or you could just stream shadow spirits for the umpteenth time" "even better" Michelle walks up and drinks the glass of water on the table. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/dihydrogen monoxide t-shirt]

Mission 011: Waiting for the Weekend [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"hello and like welcome to like ecto-burger!!! like what can i like get like you!!!" "uh claire i thought you were reassigned to be a racecar driver" "they like only race on like sundays!!! so i like totally get to like work at like ecto-burger for the like remaining six!!!" "oh nice can i get a plain ecto-burger combo" "coming like right like up!!!" Claire passes Jakey the plain Ecto-Burger combo and gives him the obligatory peace sign across her forehead. "thank like you!!! like come again!!!" "yeah i don't know what's in these but i keep getting cravings" "i am like sworn to secrecy!!!" "oh now i'm definitely curious" "like sorry!!! i don't like want to burn in like hell for all like eternity!!!" "fair enough i suppose; i will just consume product and not ask any questions" "that's like the spirit!!!" Jakey sits down and consumes his product, then gets excited for the next product. Michelle does the same. "take me like home"
[reward: respect +/CONSUME PRODUCT t-shirt]

Mission 012: Lowdown on the Bubbles [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫if you change your mind, i'm the first in line♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, he notices that a trash can has gotten closer to him than it was previously. Jakey opens the lid. "oh hey jakey" "violet, what are you doing here?" "i'm here to get the SCOOP on all these bubblybaths that scarlett is taking!!! our readers WANT AND NEED TO KNOW everything about them!!!" "♫'CAUSE YOU KNOW I'VE GOT SO MUCH THAT I WANNA DO; WHEN I DREAM I'M ALONE WITH YOU, IT'S MAGIC♫" "hmmm abba nice choice nice choice" "so are you just going to observe from here?" "yeah; i don't want to do anything that would cause scarlett to give the readers anything but the AUTHENTIC experience" "okay i'll let you work" "thanks" Soon, Scarlett's bubbly bath finishes, and she exits into the hallway. "thanks jakey i-uh where'd this trash can come from" "uh it's mine i brought it from home" "well uh you didn't have to do that; you're welcome to use my trash cans if you need to" "oh thanks" Michelle walks in and abuses Jakey's trash can privileges by dumping her entire week's trash into one can. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Violet missions]

Mission 013: High Seas Seizure [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫i was workin' part-time at the five and dime; my boss was mr. mcgee♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, an anchor flies through the window. "PREPARE FOR DISTRESS" "AND MAKE IT EXCESS" "so yeah we're going to steal your bathtub" "it's occupied" "yeah, we know" "the lady inside is the main draw" "♫SHE WORE A RASPBERRY BERET; THE KIND YOU FIND IN A SECOND-HAND STORE♫" "and her singing is nice too" "please just leave" "okay we will leave (with the bathtub of course)" Jakey sighs and opens fire on the sailors. "pfft your bullets will never pierce our kevlar cardigans" "what the fuck is a 'cardigan'" "pfft loser" Jakey opens fire on the sailors again, this time aiming for the legs. "kevlar slacks" Jakey opens fire once again, this time aiming for the head. "kevlar glasses" The sailor pulls out his chai latte and begins to drink, so Jakey shoots at the cup. "kevlar cups" Scarlett exits into the hallway. "WHAT THE FUCK IS A GIGANTIC SAILING SHIP DOING IN MY HOUSE" "we're here to steal your bathtub so get back into it please" "STEAL MY BATHTUB?!" Scarlett presses the panic button, and the automated security system begins firing laserbeams wildly at the ship. "uh we'd better go" "we'll just see ourselves out" The sailors retreat, and Scarlett turns off the security system. "why don't you just use that instead of having me guard the door" "it's really loud and ruins my songs" "good point' Michelle enters the hallway through the new hole in the wall. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/kevlar t-shirt]

Mission 014: Distractions [Scarlett]
"jakey unfortunately i have an important meeting today so i can't take my bubblybath" "oh shame" "so i called the temp agency and they've sent over miss olivia to take it instead; i trust you will guard her as you have guarded me" "CAN DO" Jakey salutes Scarlett as she leaves. "okay jakey so i need you to guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'HIGH FUCTOSE CORN SYRUP'" "got it" Olivia turns and grabs Scarlett's rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫when there's lightning, you know it always brings me down♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Julia rushes up the stairs, panting and wheezing. "I HEARD SOMEONE SINGING DIO AND CAME IMMEDIATELY" "all the way from alabama?" "YES" "uh olivia is currently in the bath and is not to be disturbed" "♫THERE'S NO SIGN OF THE MORNING COMING; YOU'VE BEEN LEFT ON YOUR OWN LIKE A RAINBOW IN THE DARK♫" "i NEED to jam with her!!! i brought my pointiest guitar and everything!!!" "you can jam after the bath" "EVERYONE KNOWS THE BEST SINGING AND JAMMING IS ACCOMPLISHED IN THE BATH!!!" "no admittance" "fine i will just jam out here" Julia sets up her equipment and begins to jam along. Soon, Olivia finishes her bubblybath, and exits into the hall. "nice pointy guitar" "thanks; i liked your performance in there" "thanks; we orcs are taught at a young age all of the metal classics" "aw man i wish i had grown up an orc" "let me hear you play that thing" "okay" Before Julia can strum a single chord, a plunking ukuleke is heard from a vaguely Michelleward direction. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Olivia missions/Julia missions]

Mission 015: Home Invasion [Ruth]
Jakey sits in his apartment, taking in the aroma of a freshly-opened can of Mountain Dew. "APARTMENT INSPECTION" "GAH" Startled, Jakey spills a bit of Mountain Dew, but before it can even touch the floor, Noriko swoops in and catches it within her own can of Mountain Dew. "thank you noriko you are a lifesaver" "all right, my name is ruth barlow; i am with the inspection board" Ruth inspects the apartment up and down, scribbling down her findings. Noriko spies on Ruth from above, and takes offense to one of her scribbles. "IS THAT A 'B' FOR CLEANLINESS?!" "yes it is" "I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW I CLEAN EVERY DAY; I WAS TRAINED BY THE GREATEST CLEANING NINJA MASTERS IN ALL JAPAN" "it certainly does not show" "YOU ARE NOT FIT TO INSPECT ANYTHING CLEANLINESS-RELATED" Ruth stares holes into Noriko, but Noriko stares right back, unflinching. "look at this" Ruth motions toward the knicknacks shelf, which is covered in a thin layer of dust. "you FUCKING INGRATE you know NOTHING about proper cleaning" "i don't think anything can be considered clean if it has dust on it" "it's the OPTIMAL amount of dust for such a shelf!!! i use a special tool for that shelf that ALWAYS leaves that thin layer of dust!!! doing anything else is for amateurs!!! i went through a DECADE of training to learn everything there is to know about cleaning!!! i do NOT appreciate having my work judged by LAYMEN" Ruth rolls her eyes and stamps a big red "FAILED" onto Noriko's forehead. "the NERVE of that woman" Michelle walks in and wipes all the dust off of the knicknacks shelf. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Noriko missions]

Mission 016: Extraterrestrial [King Bran]
Jakey walks in on King Bran having a discussion with a green man. "earthling i hear you are the leader of earth" "the whole earth?! uh totally" "hu-man the galactic empire of zorbulax would like to exchange valuables to demonstrate peacefulness between our races" "oh yeah how does cash money sound" "it sounds excellent hu-man; i will in exchange give you some zorbulaxian fun bux" "hey everyone what's going on" "oh jakey i was just exchanging valuables with this nice alien" "greetings hu-man" "greetings alien; i like the zipper on your back" "we zorbulaxians do not process waste as efficiently as you hu-mans; the 'zip-per' as you call it allows us to manually remove excess carbon dioxide from our lungs" "oh nice" "i am glad we could have this cultural exchange; goodbye earthlings" As the alien goes to leave, Emelyn pulls down the zipper, revealing Sara inside the costume, surprising no one but King Bran. "how did you see through my disguise?!" "the 'zorbulaxian fun bux' are printed on white lined paper and coloured with crayon" "dammit i knew i should have used sharpie" Sara returns the money to Emelyn, and mopes off. "guess i've got to give kathy the money from my own pocket then" Michelle walks up and hands Sara a pile of her own money. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Emelyn missions]

Mission 017: The Truth is Out There [King Bran]
"hello hu-man i am zoh'ie of the planet rasputin" "oh fuck off i'm not falling for THIS one again" "what" "the fuck kind of costume is that?! you didn't even try you still look like a human" "uh-" "get out of my sight" "please earthling listen-" "i said LEAVE" King Bran pulls out his desert eagle and pops Zoh'ie right between the eyes. As she lies on the ground, she begins to bleed green. "uh sir king bran sir we've got a bunch of spaceships targetting the castle with their laserbeams" "oh well uh launch the nukes then" "right away" Emelyn launches the nukes and the spaceships explode. "i am sure this will not have any negative consequences in the future" "you said it jakey" Michelle walks up, dressed as a little green alien. "greetings hu-man take me home"
[reward: respect +/little green alien t-shirt]

Mission 018: Missed Opportunities [King Bran]
"uh king bran why haven't you removed the corpse of that alien" "i don't know it's kind of neat" All of a sudden, the corpse jumps up back to life, the bullet wound healed. "why did you do that" "well just before you arrived someone came into the castle disguised as an alien and tried to steal a bunch of our money" "OH okay yeah i would have done the same thing" "so uh what did you want" "i wanted to exchange recipes; i'll teach you how to make zorbulaxian chocolate chip cookies and triple-fudge brownies if you teach me how to make a ham-burger and pi-zza" "DEAL emelyn teach the lady how to cook" "but wait what about all the spaceships we nuked" "oh those weren't mine; they were here to kill me and all the earthlings" "oh so no harm done" "exactly" Emelyn leads Zoh'ie off to exchange recipes. Michelle walks in with a single chocolate chip cookie on a plate. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/chocolate chip cookie t-shirt]

Mission 019: An Urgent Plea [Deputy Orange]
"jakey we've got reports of an interrupted bubblybath in canada" "uh why does the alabamanian police force have canadian crime reports" "i don't know she called us" "fine fine" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives out for Canada, where he finds Scarlett angrily attempting to beat Resistance Leadour over the head with a frying pan. "JAKEY HELP SHE HAS SOME KIND OF FORCEFIELD" "no she's just resisting your blows" "what" "why did you call the alabamanian police" "I CALLED ALL THE POLICE THE WORLD OVER!!! THIS IS A DEFCON 5,000,000 EMERGENCY!!!" "um defcon counts down the worse it gets not up" "WHATEVER JUST GET THIS CREATURE OUT OF HERE" "i will resist resenting that remark" "scarlett you can't just tell ressie to do something; she takes it as a challenge" "SHE'S A MENACE" "just ignore her and do something else and she'll leave" "HOW CAN I IGNORE HER WHEN SHE'S CUTTING INTO MY VALUABLE BUBBLYBATH TIME?!" "you could also try to resist her right back" "I THINK I WILL" Scarlett stares down Resistance Leadour, but her lack of skill makes her pass out. "well that was fun let's do it again sometime" Resistance Leadour leaves the house, and Michelle begins to draw a bath. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Scarlett missions/Resistance Leadour missions]

Mission 020: All the Rage [Special Agent Grace]
"jakey i am currently testing out the latest fad toy to make sure it isn't something you'll accidentally kill yourself with if you decide you want one" "how considerate" "the problem is that it doesn't DO anything" Grace holds out a slinky, which just jiggles a bit in her hands. "that looks like the kind of thing a poor family would get their kid and tell him it's the biggest toy ever" "exactly; it's no more a toy than if you put googly eyes on a spark plug" "speaking from personal experience?" "yeah my favourite toy growing up was an old carburetor i drew a smiling face on; i named him carl" "is carl still around today" "sadly no; we needed to use him in the car" "ouch" "luckily shortly after that we won the lottery and i got actual toys so" "all's well that ends well" "indeed" Michelle walks up and sticks a couple of googly eyes onto Grace's slinky. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/slinky t-shirt]

Mission 021: Beautiful Memories [Special Agent Grace]
"JAKEY GREAT NEWS" "the new shipment of nuclear missiles arrived?!" "uh no" "aw" "i went to the junkyard and buried under the scrap i found THIS" Grace holds out an old carburetor with a smiling face drawn onto it. "what are the odds" "i am so glad that i have reunited with my friend carl; we spent hours reminiscing about old times" "i'll bet" "it'll be so great having an extra pair of eyes watching out for danger just you wait" "welcome to the team" Michelle walks up and pats Carl on the head. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/junkyard t-shirt]

Mission 022: Freedom of the Press [Violet]
"violet is that you" "yeah what's up" "why are you staked out in this health facility" "i'm on the verge of a HUGE scoop!!! have you ever heard of timinchinitis" "once or twice" "well all the evidence i've gathered points to it being a manmade disease!!!" "do you know who made it?" "i've narrowed it down to demons, aliens, jews, and reptilian humanoids living beneath the earth's crust" "i thought those last two were the same thing" "that's what they WANT you to believe" "wait, by 'they' do you mean the jews or the reptilians" "yes" "uh-" "anyway, that's just the tip of the (((iceberg))) but i can't reveal my hand too early or it will never make it to print" "wise, wise" "i've been watching this one girl with timinchinitis and she keeps getting these weird IV drips; i think one had pretzels in it" "it's a convenient way to hold your snacks" "hmmm maybe it's a decoy to throw us off the trail" "maybe timinichinitis ITSELF is a decoy to throw you off the trail" Violet is taken aback. "THANK YOU JAKEY YOU HAVE BLOWN THIS STORY WIDE OPEN!!! I'VE GOT TO GO!!!" Violet hunkers down in her trash can. "GIVE ME A KICK!!!" Jakey does as he's told, and kicks Violet's trash can down the hill. Michelle follows suit by kicking an actual trash can down the hill. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Victorrhea missions]

Mission 023: Freedom to be Unimpressed [Violet]
"i've figured it out!!! i've blown the story wide open!!!" "lay it on me" "IT'S TIME TRAVELLING JEWS" "what would their plan be" "they bring a future disease back in time to when it has no cure, let it fester for a while, then introduce the cure they developed in the future and sell it for massive profit!!!" "the FIENDS" "look at that one over there" "azalea isn't a jew" "oh ho that's what she wants you to think" "yeah because it's true" "no it's not AND I HAVE PROOF" Violet holds up a birth certificate which lists Azalea's name as "Azalea Violet Snapdragonstein". "that's a forgery" "how could you possibly tell just by glancing at it" "it's printed on the back of a chinese food menu" "..." "..." "recycling is all the rage these days; they probably just take it a few steps further in the future" Jakey goes to speak, but isn't allowed to. "ALSO even disregarding this damning evidence, her name is snapDRAGON; what do dragons love to hoard? GOLD; something jews also love to hoard!!!" Jakey begins to sweat. He cannot penetrate Violet's flawless logic. "i'll take your silence as admission of defeat" "but what if THAT'S just a distraction from the REAL real truth?!" "..." "..." "OH DAMMIT YOU'RE RIGHT" Violet hunkers down in her trash can. "GIVE ME A KICK!!!" Jakey does as he's told, and kicks Violet's trash can down the hill. Michelle produces her own birth certificate. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Azalea missions]

Mission 024: Tempting Fate [Olivia]
"okay the temp agency has assigned me to fill in for a beloved videogames streamer; some goth chick named gwendolyn" "so are you going to pretend to be goth as well" "i'm going to just be myself and see where it gets me" "well i have heard good things about 'just being yourself'" Jakey and Olivia head out for Gwendolyn's house, and Olivia browses Gwendolyn's library of games. "these are all terrible" "yeah well gwendolyn thinks so too but that's where the money is" "what a sellout" "gotta do what you gotta do" "oh here are the good games" Olivia pops in a copy of Ultra Florentino Iliad and hooks up her special controller, designed to withstand the pummeling an orc will give when mashing the buttons. "hello and welcome to the stream tonight friends; gwendolyn is sick or something so she called a temp agency and here i am, ready to play actually GOOD games for you" After a couple of hours, the stream ends. "how'd it go" "most everyone left when i refused to put in a bad game; a few guys said they wanted me to sit on them" "wouldn't that break all their bones" "that's what i said but they kept insisting so i gave them the number of my temp agency oh and here's the call now gotta go" "well i wish them a swift recovery" "i'll give them your best" Olivia leaves, and Gwendolyn returns from her errands. "so how'd it go" "the only people who stayed for longer than five minutes were orc fetishists" "good good now they'll appreciate me more" Michelle emerges from underneath Gwendolyn's pile of laundry. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]