Stranger Things Have Happened (2021)

Mission 100: Stuck in the Middle [Unimportant]
"jakey help" "uh what's up" "i'm stuck" "yeah i see that but like how" "i always used to this this hole in the floor as a shortcut to the basement but now i'm stuck" "you live on the third floor of an apartment building; how do you have a basement" "the landlord turned the entire second floor into a basement for the third floor" "what why" "so we'd have a space to do uh basement things" "such as" "look: he did it so he could charge double rent to half the people, okay? i like having a basement and i don't need you playing twenty questions with me while i'm stuck in the floor like this" "so do you want to come up or do you want me to force you down" "uh bring me back up; i'm worried that you'd break my legs the other way" "right" Jakey yanks Unimportant up, unsticking her from where she was stuck. "now i need to widen my shortcut hole" "good luck with that" Michelle leaps into the shortcut hole and gets stuck herself. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/basement t-shirt]

Mission 101: More Expensive and More Efficient [The Great Cheryl]
"jared i have an important task to do for a client" "you take clients now?" "if they can afford my rates" The Great Cheryl teleports Jakey and herself to Wu Huiqing's survival bunker. "oh good it's you" "what seems to be the problem ma'am" "well i tried to take a bubblybath like all the other kids are into these days, but i must have done something wrong because my drain is all clogged" "couldn't you have just called a plumber" "and risk it being an alien in disguise?! no way" "it's fine it's fine i'll take care of it" The Great Cheryl steps up to the drain and waves her arms. "ABRA KADABRA ALAKAZAM" Michelle is ejected from the drain, soaking wet. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Wu Huiqing missions]

Mission 102: I Need a Wizard [The Great Cheryl]
"jason i have received another important task let's go" The Great Cheryl teleports Jakey and herself to Amber's apartment. "oh thank god you came just in time" "what seems to be the problem citizen" "i bought this jar of peanut butter but it has been sealed by infernal magicks" "with a K even?! i'm glad you called when you did" The Great Cheryl taps the lid of the peanut butter jar with her wand. "RALTS KIRLIA GARDEVOIR" The jar of peanut butter twists open, letting loose a delicious peanut scent. "all right!!!" Amber grabs a spoon and digs in to her jar of peanut butter. Michelle follows suit. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Amber missions]

Mission 103: Sensitive Information [Wu Huiqing]
"psst jakey i have sensitive information that needs to make it into the hands of a particular vampire titty streamer but i can't leave this bunker or else the aliens might get me" "say no more i will take the information for you" "thanks but WHATEVER YOU DO DO NOT OPEN THE ENVELOPE and ESPECIALLY DON'T LET IT FALL INTO ENEMY HANDS" "o-okay" Jakey grabs the envelope and hops into The Motherfucker, where Ruth is waiting for him. "ENVELOPE INSPECTION" "wha-" "all right my name is ruth barlow i am from the inspection board now let me see the contents of that envelope" "NEVER" Jakey mashes the ejector seat button, but nothing happens. "oh no i AM inspecting that envelope if it's THE LAST THING I DO" "CODE SIGMA-KOPPA THIS IS NOT A DRILL" Grace drops from a roof and shoots Ruth with a tranquiliser dart, putting her to sleep. "phew that was close" "indeed; you'd uh better let me see that envelope for your own safety you know" "NEVER" Jakey floors it, and successfully makes it to Gwendolyn's apartment. "GWENDOLYN I HAVE THE ENVELOPE" "FINALLY" Gwendolyn tears into the envelope live on stream. "HE'S IN!!!" The stream chat erupts into raucous applause as Gwendolyn has successfully leaked Blockstack Bob's inclusion into Ultra Crash Siblings, blowing fans of Fiddle and Didgeridoo the FUCK out. Michelle hangs her head, as she wanted to leak the new fighter on her own stream. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ruth missions/Special Agent Grace missions/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 104: Forbidden Snack [Amber]
Jakey walks into Amber's apartment to find her lying on the floor, clutching a sealed bag of pretzels. "uh what's up" "i was eating my peanut butter and i thought 'man pretzels would go great with this' so i went out and bought a bag and brought it home and it's afflicted with a terrible curse" "a curse" "it refuses to open no matter how hard i try; it must be cursed with a powerful spell" "let me have a try" "okay but i doubt any mortal man could open this bag; the curse was wrought in the fires of hell itself so nary a soul can access the-" "got it" Jakey hands Amber the opened bag of pretzels. "jakey i didn't know you were a sorceror" "neither did i" Michelle walks up and grabs a handful of pretzels. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/pretzels t-shirt]

Mission 105: Mode of Transport [Ruth]
"what's with all the cars" "they failed inspection" "how so" "well the owners claimed that they were 'cool' cars so i had to judge them accordingly; these cars were all deemed 'uncool'" "but this one is awesome" "it's a hybrid" "ew" "and you see this andalusian?" "yeah those are cool" "it's the four-cylinder" "disgusting" "these people are a disgrace, and their cars are going to be cubed" "godspeed ruth, godspeed" Jakey and Michelle simultaneously salute Ruth, a single tear streaming down each of their cheeks in unison. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/andalusian t-shirt]

Mission 106: Second Line of Defense [Special Agent Grace]
"jakey you are aware of the current bubblybath trend, right" "i may have heard a thing or two about it" "well i need to try one to make sure it's safe for you; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'CONFECTIONER'S GLAZE'" "wait who will guard me if you're in the bath" "noriko is trained as a backup guard in case of emergency or bubblybath" "nice" Grace turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫there's a man who leads a life of danger; to everyone he meets, he stays a stranger♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Unimportant approaches. "hey jakey i-" A crunch is heard as Noriko swiftly cuts down Unimportant. "NORIKO WHAT THE FUCK" "i was protecting you from the dangerous individual" "unimportant isn't dangerous!!!" "she had a gun" "EVERYONE HAS A GUN IN THIS COUNTRY; THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT SO GREAT" "oh right" Noriko looks down at Unimportant's corpse. "i can fix this" "by all means, go ahead" Jakey steps back to allow Noriko to attempt to fix the problem. "♫SECRET ASIAN MAN, SECRET ASIAN MAN; THEY'VE GIVEN YOU A NUMBER AND THEY'VE TAKEN AWAY YOUR NAME♫" "that is not how that song goes" "FOCUS NORIKO" "right right" Noriko mixes up some ancient ninja herbs, and soon, Unimportant is back to life. "what happened" "you uh slipped and fell and hit your head on a sharp knife" "oh no my horoscope told me to watch out for sharp knives" Soon, Grace exits the bath and is immediately accosted by Noriko about her poor lyricism. Michelle uses this opportunity to whisper an important message to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Noriko missions/Unimportant missions]

Mission 107: Lyricism [Special Agent Grace]
"jakey settle this argument: is he saying 'secret ASIAN man' or 'secret AGENT man'" "pretty sure it's agent; asian makes no sense in that context" "WHAT IT TOTALLY DOES" "how so" "he's not living in asia and he wants to be respected but couldn't do so if people KNOW he's asian so he's keeping it a secret" "..." "..." "okay yeah maybe you're right" "see?!" Noriko slaps her face with her hand. Michelle follows suit. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Secret Asian Man t-shirt]

Mission 108: Onto the Next One [Gwendolyn]
"so how's blockstack bob in crash working out for you" "what? OH right that well no one cares about characters once they've been revealed; we're all onto the next guy that NEEDS to be in" "that doesn't make much sense" "yeah but what can you do" "so who's next that NEEDS to be in" "Злоvanni, the evil version of giovanni from the florentino siblings series" "he's only in the sports games though and was made only so florenЗло would have a doubles partner in florentino tennis" "yeah but he's popular with the kids, and as someone who is also popular with the kids, i need to ally with their interests" "i thought your main demographic was from 16-32" "they're all kids to me" "fair enough" Michelle walks in, waving her banner for Nurato the ninja, despite the fact that he's from an anime rather than a videogame. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Злоvanni t-shirt/FlorenЗло t-shirt]

Mission 109: Scopes are for Dopes [Noriko]
"so jakey i've been looking at these 'horoscopes' that the girl i killed mentioned and how do they expect people to believe this shit" "what's wrong with it" "i was born in june so i'm arbitrarily a taurus; this means that today i'm going to have bad luck? and that media darling gravedigger jasmine? she was born in october so she's arbitrarily a virgo and she's going to have amazing luck? who the fuck would even believe that shit?!" "i can think of at least one person" "well honestly i was probably doing her a favour by murdering her" "do you regret reviving her" "kind of, yeah" "are you going to rectify that 'mistake'?" "no because knowing how life works, i'll probably slip on an ice cube and break my back if i try, becoming a believer in horoscopes, and i would like to avoid that if at all possible" "wise decision" Michelle walks into the room and reads her horoscope, horrified at how bad her luck is going to be today. "just to be safe jakey you should take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jasmine missions]

Mission 110: The Greatest Day [Unimportant]
Jakey enters the terminal illness clinic, where Unimportant is volunteering. "what made you decide to volunteer" "my horoscope said i should" "okay fair enough" "now behold as i give this poor terminally ill girl a sponge bath!!!" "uh wait-" Before Victorrhea can finish her protest, Unimportant has disrobed her and begun scrubbing fiendishly with the abrasive side of the sponge. "OW NO FUCK" "cleanliness is the first step to healthiness!!!" "MY SKIN" "i know right?! it's so clean!!!" Jakey stares dumbfounded as Unimportant finishes up. Victorrhea's skin is left red and scuffed all over, but otherwise extremely clean. "ah nothing like a good deed done!!! onto the next one!!!" As Unimportant skips into the next room, Jakey treats Victorrhea with his dumb healing powers. "OW STOP" "GET BACK HERE YOU'RE NOT CLEAN YET" Unimportant chases Michelle down the hall, brandishing her sponge. "TAKE ME HOME"
[reward: respect +/Victorrhea missions]

Mission 111: Prepared for the Inevitable [Jasmine]
"jakey check it out check it out i made a beautiful mausoleum for you!!!" "i'm uh still alive" "yeah and that's cool and all but eventually you won't be" "i can't argue with that one" "of course not now check it out; this imposing structure is made out of pure diamond and fitted with all KINDS of traps to keep would-be graverobbers out" "really" "yeah check it out" Jasmine hucks a rock into the mausoleum, and it is disintegrated instantly. "but what if a friend or family member wants to visit and leave an offering" "i don't know about friends, but it won't kill anyone of your bloodline check it out" Jasmine hucks Michelle into the mausoleum, and nothing happens. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/your very own mausoleum]

Mission 112: A Period of Mourning [Jasmine]
"i can't believe he's gone" "WH-WHY MUST THE G-GOOD ALWAYS D-DIE YOUNG!!!" "hey everyone what's going on" "AUGH" "Z-ZOMBIE!!!" "wha-" Jakey looks at the mausoleum everyone is standing in front of, and realises that it's his own. Jakey slaps his face with his hand. "i'm not dead" "then explain the mausoleum" "it was a gift" "uh-huh then i suppose you won't mind if i do THIS" King Bran splashes Jakey with a bucket of holy water. The only effect it has is making Jakey's torso soaking wet. "okay so you're not undead but what if you're an alien in disguise?!" "what that's ridiculous" "then say something only jakey would say" "5150 was van halen's best album and sammy hagar was much better than david lee roth" "okay yeah that's jakey" "also: i love tomatoes but i hate how they taste when you put salt on them" "yeah we get it; pack it up people" The crowd leaves, a little upset that they mourned someone who wasn't dead. Jakey throws a tarp over the mausoleum, and is immediately handed mourning flowers by Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions]

Mission 113: Diagnosis [Victorrhea]
"so uh victorrhea i've always wondered: what does timinchinitis actually do? you seem fine to me" "i am physically unable to jump" "what?" "it's true watch" Victorrhea stands up and bends her knees. She makes the motion to leap, but her feet do not leave the ground. "that's not even that inconvenient, letalone life-threatening" "oh there's other things, there's also the night terrors and the crippling laziness" "that just sounds like a normal teenager" "and there's also the fact that my eyes start watering terribly every time i see the colour yellow" "seriously?" "i was the only kid who didn't have a seizure from watching that one banned episode of the waltures anime because i was tearing up just from laying eyes on that electrimouse" "nice" Michelle walks in, carrying a big bundle of yellow balloons. A torrent of water from Victorrhea's eyes floods the room. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Electrimouse t-shirt]

Mission 114: Well, We Had a Lot of Luck on Venus [King Bran]
"jakey it's finally time!!! the aliens are invading!!!" "so what's the plan" "YOU are going to go out there and murder them" "i like this plan" "i'm sure that after all we've done, there will only be around twelve groups of them left" "good because i've got just about that many convoluted plans to murder them with" Jakey exits the castle, and sees a UFO land just ahead. "and so it begins" Jakey shoots off a flare, causing the aliens to turn and advance toward him. "UFO INSPECTION" Ruth looks the UFO up and down, and comes to a conclusion. She hooks up her towtruck to the UFO, and drags it off for headquarters. The aliens leap up in shock and chase after their UFO, whereupon they are flattened by The Motherfucker. Michelle gives Jakey the thumbs-up from the passenger seat. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/UFO appears at Inspection HQ]

Mission 115: We Always Had a Ball on Mars [King Bran]
A squadron of aliens bumrushes Jakey's position in the dunes of Mojavistan. Jakey begins speaking in a stilted monotone. "oh no i am found out surely this is the end for me?" As the aliens begin ascending the dune, they are launched into the sky by Jean, who was hiding underneath the dune. Her magical bounce pops the aliens into the earth's atmosphere, where they burn to ash. "man it is good to be back from my vacation" "oh yeah how was christmas island" "not as many presents as i would have liked" "i hear that a lot" Michelle walks up and hands Jean a present. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/dune t-shirt]

Mission 116: We're Meetin' All the Groovy People [King Bran]
Jakey lounges by the pool as a squadron of aliens advances toward him. "ah this is nice; nothing like lounging by the pool at the end of september" The aliens leap up to attack, but the pool's water rages upward and straight into the aliens' noses. The aliens melt immediately, much to River-Girl's confusion. "that uh wasn't what i was expecting" "works just as well though" "i don't know; there's something way more satisfying about drowning evil creatures than just melting them" "yeah i get it" Michelle sits in the bottom of the drained pool, confused. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/tidal wave t-shirt]

Mission 117: We've Rocked the Milky Way so Far [King Bran]
Another squad of aliens charges at Jakey blindly. Unimportant pops straight up, brandishing her sponge. "you aliens are so dirty!!! luckily for you, my horoscope today said it's a great day for scrubbing some aliens!!! let's get you clean!!!" Unimportant begins aggressively scrubbing the aliens with the abrasive side of her sponge, which causes their outer layer to be rubbed off. With their outer layer gone, the wind tears through their frames and mechanically separates the aliens from their vital organs. "that's uh even less clean than before" "what disgusting creatures" "definitely" Michelle walks up and begins scrubbing Unimportant's face with the abrasive side of her own sponge. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/abrasive side t-shirt]

Mission 118: The Fireball That We Rode Was Moving [King Bran]
Jakey sits in his bubblybath, singing a jolly tune. "♫i'm sailing away; set an open course for the virgin sea♫" All of a sudden, however, he is beset by aliens. "NIACIN" As soon as the safe word is uttered, Grace swoops in and launches an attack on the aliens, cutting them right down. "♫COME SAIL AWAY COME SAIL AWAY COME SAIL AWAY WITH ME♫" "you done?" "yeah" Michelle walks in and does a cannonball into the bathtub. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/COME SAIL AWAY t-shirt]

Mission 119: But Now We've Got a New Machine [King Bran]
"MEEP MEEP" Jakey watches as Amber flies away from Svart of Darkness, who is firing rockets at her. Soon, some aliens show up. Amber flies straight at the aliens, then pulls up just in time for the rockets to blow up the aliens instead. "MEEP MEEP" Amber salutes Jakey as she flies back home and Svart of Darkness breaks the rocket launcher over his knee. Michelle fires a rocket straight at the ground and leaps high into the air. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/MEEP MEEP t-shirt]

Mission 120: They've Got Music in Their Solar System [King Bran]
Jakey walks around the castle, taking in the sights and sounds of the moat. Soon, some aliens show up. "showtime" Jakey waves his hand, and Emelyn and the android pop out from the moat. "SUPER HYPER MEGA ULTRA VACCUUM SUCTION GO" "right away!!!" The android primes her vaccuum attachment, and sucks up the aliens whole. Emelyn fires up the incinerator, and the android pours the aliens straight in. "did you need that many meaningless adjectives" "i was worried the plain old hyper mega ultra vaccuum suction wouldn't be enough" Michelle walks up and strikes a pose. "SUPER HYPER MEGA ULTRA TAKE ME HOME GO"
[reward: respect +/SUPER HYPER MEGA ULTRA T-SHIRT GO]

Mission 121: They've Rocked Around the Milky Way [King Bran]
Jakey walks into a tall box, which seals itself behind him. As the aliens prod and probe the box trying to get in, The Great Cheryl appears. "MARVEL AND GAZE AS SWORDS RAIN DOWN INTO THE BOX WHERE JARED IS STANDING" Swords rain down and skewer the box, and the aliens along with it. "BUT WHAT'S THIS?!" The box opens, and Jakey steps out unscathed. "OH MY, LOOKS LIKE JASON IS JUST FINE!!!" The crowd throws roses at the stage, and Michelle begins cutting down the roses with the swords from the box. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/magic box t-shirt]

Mission 122: They've Danced Around with Borealis [King Bran]
Jakey walks around the block, and sees Piper running at him holding a strange device. What he doesn't see, however, is the aliens running at him from the other direction. "JAKEY check out this cool mojavistanian artefact i found!!!" "what does it do" "uh i don't know let me just press this button" Piper presses the button, and a spiraling beam of death erupts from the artefact, utterly obliterating the aliens. "cool" "i'll say" Michelle walks up and presses the button again. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mojavistanian artefact weapon]

Mission 123: They're Space Truckin' Every Day [King Bran]
Jakey sits in a chair, slightly giddy on the inside, for his newest plan is one that doesn't get to be enacted every day. A flock of aliens bumrushes Jakey, just in time for a magical sleigh to appear, drawn by eight reindeer. "HO HO HO HAPPY HANUKKAH" Hanukkah Guy's daughter, Hanukkah Lady, dismounts her sleigh in front of the aliens. "presents for you all!!! unforutunately, you've all been very naughty this year" Hanukkah Lady dumps a bottomless sack full of coal onto the aliens, crushing them to death. "HAPPY HANUKKAH TO ALL (in three months) AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT" Hanukkah Lady flies away, dropping a final large present for Jakey. He opens it to find Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Hanukkah t-shirt]

Mission 124: COME ON, COME ON, COME ON [King Bran]
Jakey stands in the middle of an empty lot, doing nothing in particular. Suddenly, some aliens charge at him from out of nowhere. Also from out of nowhere, a wall appears in front of the aliens. Confused, they attempt to go around, but are blocked by walls on either side. A fourth wall soon appears behind them. Candice backs up a cement mixer and pours wet cement down onto the aliens, encasing them forever. The walls come down, and all that is left is a solid monument to the humans' defeat of the aliens. Michelle salutes. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/monument t-shirt]