The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread (2019)

Mission 000: Prologue [N/A]
Jakey wakes up with a lampshade on his head, tied to a chair. "oh MAN that was some party last night" "GOOD you're awake!!!" A man in a grey suit snatches the lampshade off of Jakey's head. "hey wait this isn't the IHOP" "very perceptive, o prince of canada" "hey thanks i've always prided myself on being a good uh perception guy" "it shows; i bet you'll even see THIS coming" The man whacks Jakey over the head with a wooden plank. "ow" "my name is chuck; give me the diamonds or i will be forced to break more planks over your head!!!" Chuck steps aside to reveal a giantic stack of wooden planks. "where'd you get all those planks" "plankz Я us was having a sale; buy one at regular price, get one at regular price" "oh shit is that still going on" "yes the sale ends friday" "aw shit man gotta get me out to the store to buy some planks" Jakey's chair begins to hop all over the place in Jakey's excitement. "struggle as you may, you will never break that rope!!! it was mastercrafted by the finest underage craftsmen in all beijing!!!" "oh damn man could you untie me please i've got to go take advantage of the bargains!!!" Suddenly, a knife falls down and cuts the rope holding Jakey's left hand. "hey thanks" "WHO-" A furious kick comes out of the blue from a man wearing his trademark cowboy hat and his autographed 'Make America Great Again' t-shirt. "SHERIFF ANTONY have you heard about the deals too!!!" "yes; we must go take advantage of these sweet deals" Sheriff Antony lays down some surpressing fire as Jakey unties his other hand. Unfortunately, Sheriff Antony can only lay down six shots before he has to reload. This gives Chuck enough time to huck his gun straight into the air, hitting a button which causes a trapdoor to open underneath his feet. Chuck falls down into his speedboat and speeds off, giggling like a madman. "is he just going to leave his planks here" "DUDE let's load this shit up into the sheriff antonymobile!!!" "fuck yes"  Michelle rapels down the rope attached to the crow's nest of the ship. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/all of the stuff you have on your save files from the 'A Thing' series/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 001: Damnesia [Sheriff Antony]
"can you believe it's been well over ten years since the first time you were kidnapped tied to a boat and beaten with wooden planks" "i know i can only remember it happening in eight different years" "hmm yeah i can't really remember 2008 through 2012" "i think 2012 is when professor eif tested out his amnesia gas prototype" "oh yeah good job he forgot the recipe during the incident" "and thank god for that; i'd hate to forget something important like that i left the oven on" "..." "..." "SHIT" Sheriff Antony rushes to the oven and pulls out its contents. "oh man my roast is ruined" "oh shame guess you have no choice but to purchase fast food and d-" Sheriff Antony backhands Jakey. "i deserved that" "i was going to try and find and bake another one but now i just want you to eat this one" "what why would i eat that" "it's your traditional post-kidnapping present" "fine" Jakey digs into the burnt roast along with Michelle, until it is completely gone. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Roast]

Mission 002: Fine Piece of Glass [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey i am worried about your bodyguard; i know you've been together a long time, but you should be sure that she can properly take a bullet for you if the need arises" "good thinking; she seems far more expendable than i" "there is a test we use in the sheriffing office; if she can't even remove the lid from a jar of plumbsworth's #1 jam, she is not cut out to be given any task of importance" As Sheriff Antony pulls out a fresh jar of Plumbsworth's #1, a gunshot rings through the building, and the lid is shot cleanly off of the jar. "ooh points for creativity" Sheriff Antony begins spreading the jam over a slice of toast. "did you just set forth the test because you were hungry" "it's called 'serendipity' jakey; look it up" Michelle struggles mightily with the lid of a jar of Plumbsworth's #2 Jam, unable to get the lid off even that. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Plumbsworth's #1 Jam t-shirt/Special Agent Grace missions]

Mission 003: Jock of the Walk [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey i've got a DJ gig later tonight but i can't go because the big sports match is on; can you find me a suitable replacement" "i got this don't worry" Jakey exits the room and pulls out his phone. "yo valerie it's me" "h-hello" "listen sheriff antony needs help how would you like to be a disc jockey" "i-i'll be r-right over" Jakey waits on Sheriff Antony's porch for a while, and Valerie shows up wearing horseracing gear. "wrong type of jockey" Jakey hands Valerie a bright purple jacket, pink baseball cap, and huge sunglasses. "put these on and let's go" "o-okay" Valerie gets dressed, and she and Jakey hop into The Motherfucker and head down to the arena. "okay so in review: all you've got to do is get the crowd hype and also play these musical discs on the music machine" "o-okay" Valerie steps up to the turntables. "Y-YO m-MY d-DOGS M-MIXMASTER V-VALERIE H-HERE ON TH-THE MIC W-W-WELCOME T-TO MY H-HOUSE OF S-SICK BEATS Y-YO" The crowd cheers, awaiting Valerie's first song. "TH-THIS ONE G-GOES OUT T-TO ALL M-MY N-NIGGAS ON TH-THE FLOOR" Valerie puts on the hottest new #1 jam, and when it's over, she attempts to get the crowd hype. "A-ALL TH-THE L-LADIES IN THE H-HOUSE SAY Y-YEAH" "Y-YEAH" "A-AND ALL TH-THE D-DUDES IN TH-THE HOUSE S-SAY Y-YEAH" "Y-YEAH" Valerie puts on the second song, and Michelle plows through the crowd over to the backstage. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/#1 Jam t-shirt/Valerie missions]

Mission 004: Pat Down [Special Agent Grace]
"hey boy i'm ho-" Jakey stops dead in his tracks as he sees Grace patting down Scraps in the middle of the room. "a-are you patting down my DOG?" "yeah i have to see if he's got any contraband on him" "what no scraps is a good boy" "then what's this" Grace holds up a box that says Rover's Doggy Magic Set. "WHAT DID YOU GET INTO YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENTS WHILE I WAS GONE" Scraps begins to whimper, ashamed of his misdeeds. "ah no harm done i doubt you can even read" Scraps's tail begins to wag erratically as he lets loose a happy bark. Grace flips the kit around and begins to read the package. "'yes, your dog, too, will be able to perform magic tricks with the best of them; soon even the greatest of magicians will be in awe of the magic your dog can achieve' wow that sounds awesome" "yeah soon scraps's magical prowess will surpass even the great cheryl but not until his birthday" "right right" Grace and Jakey rewrap Scraps's present and put it on the top shelf so that he cannot get at it again. Michelle also places her present to Scraps, a gigantic bone, on the top shelf. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Great Cheryl missions]

Mission 005: Diplomacy [Special Agent Grace]
"jakey you've gotten a message from the king bran; he told me to tell you to come over to his place for some diplomacy then he nudged me and winked at me" "oh sweet" "jakey as an official-" "yeah whatever hop in" Jakey is already in The Motherfucker, and motions for Grace to hurry up. "yo king bran i'm ready for diplomacy" "all right!!!" King Bran rips a cloth off of a table, revealing a perfectly-prepared board of their favourite board game, Canadian/Alabamanian Diplomacy. "all right i'll go first since i won last time" Jakey draws a card. "okay so my country is having a grain shortage could you spare some grain" King Bran draws a card. "well thankfully we've got a surplus of grain so here you go" King Bran gives Jakey a handful of grain tokens. "heh heh heh AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA YOU FOOL MY COUNTRY ALSO HAD A SURPLUS OF GRAIN" "WHAT?!" "NEXT TURN IS THE ANNUAL 'HAVE A LOT OF GRAIN' COMPETITION AND THANKS TO YOUR GENEROUS DONATION, I AM SURE TO WIN AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA" "not if i can help it" King Bran draws another card. "ALL RIGHT" King Bran grabs one of his zeppelin tokens. "uh let's not be hasty now-" "BOMBS AWAY" King Bran's zeppelin drops a large bomb, destroying all of Jakey's grain. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO is what i'd say if that were really my grain silo" "wh-what?!" "THAT WAS A DECOY SILO" Jakey shows King Bran the decoy silo card he'd drawn on his turn. "DAMN YOU" "oh look it's the grain judges" "uh uh" King Bran begins to sweat as Jakey draws another card. "oh boy i drew the 'give the grain judges an impressive gift' card" "no no no no not now i needed that card!!!" "too bad so sad" Jakey puts the grain judges' tokens into a small Ferrari. King Bran draws his card. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO NOT LOCUSTS!!!" King Bran's grain is destroyed by locusts, forfeiting him the competition. "when it rains it pours" Jakey pins the 'best grain' blue ribbon to his chest. "not so fast" "wha-" King Bran shows Jakey the card he just drew. "a free spin at the wheel of diplomacy?!" "oh yes; now it is time to take fate into my own hands" "pfft good luck" King Bran spins the Wheel of Diplomacy. Jakey knows that there is only one spot of the wheel's thirty-two that can help King Bran out of this situation; still, he worries, for his own luck has been too good so far. As the wheel spins and spins, beads of sweat drip from the faces of both men, until finally, the wheel lands on its target. "YES" "NOOOOOOO" "I ALSO HAD A HIDDEN GRAIN SILO DEEP UNDERGROUND" King Bran showers the board in grain tokens. "oh nice grain bro" "come on judges i gave you that ferrari remember" "well you GAVE it to us so it's already ours and if you take it back it would be stealing so we're not worried about it" The judge tokens take away Jakey's blue ribbon and pin it to King Bran's chest. "why why does this always happen" "there there i-" King Bran notices that Jakey is not crying, but instead laughing. "ha ha ha ha HAHAHAHAHAHA YOU FOOL THAT WAS A DECOY BLUE RIBBON; THE REAL BLUE RIBBON IS SAFELY IN MY POCKET" "no it's not" "what" "i knew you'd try this so i switched the two ribbons while you weren't looking" Sure enough, the blue ribbon in Jakey's pocket is, in fact, the decoy. "DAMN YOU" "my turn!!!" Michelle draws her card. "oh boy i drew the card that makes jakey take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions]

Mission 006: Disc Jock and Roll All Night [Valerie]
"so how'd disc jocking go for you" "i-i-i w-was really n-nervous at first b-but it w-was so much f-fun!!! th-the crowd was r-really jumping!!!" "would you do it again" "w-well i-i-i d-don't want t-to steal sheriff antony's th-thunder" "yeah he hates that" "b-besides i-i-i have a-a lot on my p-plate now a-anyway" "such as?" "w-well in addition t-to my g-gravedigging i-i've also been having p-problems with m-moles" "oh no you don't have cancer do you" "n-not that k-kind of mole; th-the animal k-kind" "oh are those the animals that pick apart and eat the corpses" "th-that's vultures; i-i-i g-got rid of th-those years ago; m-moles are th-the ones th-that dig up th-the ground a-and dead bodies h-hate that" "so what's the plan here" "w-well i-i-i tr-tried all of th-the over-the-c-counter mole r-repellant b-but it didn't w-work th-they keep c-coming b-back a-as if by m-magic" Jakey snaps his fingers. "I'VE GOT IT" "GAH" Valerie topples over, startled. "uh sorry" "n-no i-it's m-my f-f-fault" "um okay anyway if the moles are harnessing a magical power, all we've got to do is counteract it with a stronger magic" "o-oh o-one second!!!" Valerie rushes into her cabin and returns seconds later with a series of interlocked rings. "uh-" "o-okay okay s-so ch-check it out" Valerie tugs on the rings, showing that they are completely interlocked. "b-BUT if i-i-i j-just say th-the magic w-words" Valerie hides the rings behind her back. "A-ALAKAZAM!!!" Valerie removes the rings from behind her back, completely separate. "um-" The moles chatter in fear amongst themselves. If Valerie is capable of such a physics-defying feat, who knows what else she is capable of? The moles all retreat, never to return to Valerie's front yard or graveyard ever again. "i-it worked!!! y-you're a g-genius jakey!!!" A gigantic puff of smoke appears next to Jakey. In an instant, Jakey is dragged away from Valerie's house by his ear. "ow ow ow ow ow" "WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM JARED" "someone's pulling my ear and it really hurts" "that's not what i meant and you know it; you know all attempts to do magic have to go through me first" "i was planning to just have you do the whole thing but before i knew it there were the rings and i couldn't stop her" "you're like five times her size" "i wasn't about to tackle her" "see this is why my empire is falling jason; you're too afraid to do what needs to be done" "bu-" "i was hoping you'd grow out of it; i am very disappointed jeffrey" The Great Cheryl stomps over to Valerie. "how much to buy you out" "wh-what" "how much money do i have to give you so you never practice magic again" "u-uh w-w-well i-i-i-" "fine one million alabama fun bux; go nuts with it" The Great Cheryl cuts Valerie a cheque for 1,000,000 Alabama Fun Bux, and snatches the rings from her hands, then disappears in a puff of smoke. "wh-what just h-happened" Michelle puts another cheque for 1,000,000 Alabama Fun Bux into Valerie's hands. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/magic rings t-shirt]

Mission 007: It's All About the Money Money Money [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on Valerie's door, and Valerie answers it, her face red and sad. "s-someone stole m-my m-money" "the million dollar cheque?!" "y-yeah" "do you have any idea who it was" "j-just after y-you left a-a-a n-ninja s-stole it" "a ninja?" "o-or someone r-really good at i-impersonating a n-ninja" "anything else you can tell me?" "i-i-i th-think it was a-a-a w-woman ninja" "how could you tell" Valerie's face turns even redder as she makes a cupping motion near her chest. "oh right" Jakey begins to ponder who could have done it. Jakey thinks hard, trying to tell if any of his many lady friends may have such a lust for cash that they would steal a cheque from a poor, defenseless Valerie. "oh right" Jakey heads down to the nearest business, and sees Kathy at the desk. "hey kathy what's up" "nothing" "hmm yeah same here just thought i'd CHECK this place out you know; see if it's worth it to spend my MONEY here" "are you accusing me of something" "yeah" "oh well it was worth a shot" Kathy scribbles something down on a piece of paper. "i hid the cheque under a statue in the park; here's the combination to the safe" "just like that?" "well as much as i like the money, i hate the idea of a long, protracted battle becoming public knowledge and hurting my reputation, making it harder for me to make money in the future" "oh that makes sense" "also i already did the most important part of the cheque-receiving process anyway" "wait-you ALREADY CASHED IT?!" "what no that's like the last step in the process; you can't just straight-up cash a cheque with no foreplay!!!" "... you didn't do anything untoward with this piece of paper did you" "no no i just took it out for dinner at a fancy restaurant" Kathy holds up a polaroid of her eating spaghetti, Lady and the Tramp-style, with the cheque. "oh was the spaghetti good" "i've had better" "well thanks" "don't mention it, please" Jakey heads over to the park, where Julia is standing inside the ticket booth. "one please" "oh hey jakey have a good time here" Julia stamps Jakey's hand and admits him into the park. Jakey walks over to the statue, inputs the code, grabs the cheque, and heads back to give it back to Valerie. "here you go; we settled things amicably" "r-really?! i-i-i was s-sure you'd use v-violence" "to be honest, so was i" Michelle walks over to Jakey and stamps his other hand like eighty times. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Julia missions]

Mission 008: Muscling In [The Great Cheryl]
"jeremy there is another magician muscling in on my territory sometime in the past" "um okay what about the present" "well she's not doing it in the present but we can't just let this slide; she's around your age so i'm going to have you deal with this one" "can do, miss the great cheryl" Jakey hops into his time machine, back to 2009, then hops onto his old tricycle and rides down to the address that The Great Cheryl burned into his memory with her magic. "hello mister would you like to see some magic?!" A ten-year-old girl grins widely in anticipation. "uh yeah show me what you got" "okay okay cool check it out" The little girl grabs five interlocked rings, and has Jakey tug on them to be sure they're interlocked. "hocus um" "pocus?" "YEAH YEAH THAT; HOCUS POCUS" The little girl taps the rings with her wand, and holds them behind her back. When she brings them back into Jakey's view, the rings are all separate. Jakey claps and cheers. "THANK YOU" "have you got any other tricks?" "uh no not yet" "oh well if you're only going to have one trick, it's good that it's as great as that one" "I KNOW RIGHT" Jakey drops a five dollar bill into the little girl's cup, at which she stares wide-eyed in disbelief, and pedals off. "THANK YOU SO MUCH MISTER!!!" After he rounds the corner, he is warped back to The Great Cheryl in the present. "uh hey" "jason, what the FUCK was that" "magic?" "you were supposed to put her out of business not fund her operation!!!" "she's like ten" "if this comes back to bite me in the present, i will be very upset with you" The Great Cheryl kicks Jakey out of her theatre, magically transporting him about fifty feet above the ground. "ah shit" Jakey falls and breaks his legs, right in front of Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Little Girl Magic Shows t-shirt]

Mission 009: Muscling Out [The Great Cheryl]
"jeremiah there is another girl muscling in on my territory right now in the present; could you please put an end to it for me" "i thought you didn't trust me" "i would very much like to regain my trust in you; also i am far too busy slash lazy to do it myself" "fine" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and heads down to the address that The Great Cheryl burned into his brain. There, he finds a young woman setting up a small stage. "hey i-" "oh wow it's you!!! the guy!!!" "yeah it's m-hey wait it's you!!! the little girl!!!" "yeah!!! your enthusiasm and generous donation inspired me to pursue magic as a career!!! none of this would have happened if not for you!!!" "so um if you're an adult now why is the show still called 'the little girl magic shows'" "uh that's my name" "your parents named you 'the little girl'?" "yes; it wasn't so bad early on but once adolescence hit it got kind of awkward, but it's better than the other name they'd considered" "which is?" The Little Girl shudders. "britney" "oh yeah i'd say you got off easy on that one" "i considered changing my name to 'the young adult' but that would just confuse the branding" "true but uh can i call you something different because it's kind of awkward" "oh sure sure i tend to introduce myself as elizabeth to avoid this exact conversation" "lizzy it is" "so what are you doing here mr. guy" "just uh checking out the local magicians" "oh well have i got a treat for you!!! you can be the first to see my newest trick!!!" "oh?" Elizabeth turns around and steps into a large box with only her head showing. An axe slams down onto her neck, beheading her. "JESUS" Just as Jakey is about to walk over, Elizabeth's body gets up out of the box and begins to dance, her head underneath her arm. Jakey begins to clap furiously. "THANK YOU" The beheaded body bows, and then snaps its head back on. "how'd you like it" "it was perhaps the single most impressive thing i've ever seen that did not involve five donkeys and a bowl of guacamole" "oh wow thanks!!!" Jakey pops a fifty Alabama Fun Bux note into the tip jar. "i'll be back for the grand opening" "i'll save you a VIP seat!!!" Jakey hops back into The Motherfucker and heads back to The Great Cheryl's office, prepared to be shamed and ridiculed. "great job joshua; i can't believe you sabotaged that emily girl's trick so badly that you staight-up KILLED her (i tuned out after she was beheaded because macguyver came on); here have a medal" The Great Cheryl magically pins a medal to Jakey's chest. "also take a free one of these things" The Great Cheryl hands over Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/a medal/Elizabeth missions]

Mission 010: Tuning Out [The Great Cheryl]
"hey uh what's going on here" "SILENCE JASON this is a delicate magical procedure!!!" "hi jakey" "hi" "hi jakey" "you already said that" "no no gwendolyn said that then i said that" "gwendolyn it is still you even if you are doing a silly voice" "s-SILLY?!" "ALAKAZAM" The Great Cheryl zaps Gwendolyn with a bolt of magic, mechanically separating Gwendolyn and Claire. "finally i feel a hundred pounds lighter" "i can't believe you find my voice silly" "no no no it sounds good on you it's just that it sounded silly coming out of a more mature woman" "oh okay" Jakey wipes gallons of sweat from his brow. If there's one thing he enjoys about the diamonds-esque objects, it's the massive boon to his luck stat. "so um what even happened" "oh right it was a science experiment" "okay so there was this goth girl right well she wanted to know what would happen if she was possessed by a ghost then bitten by a vampire" "so i bit her right but instead of tasting delicious blood all i could taste was ghost" "was it a good taste?" "have you ever eaten moth balls before?" "uh no" "well it's the same taste" "you HAVE?!" "i mistook it for a piece of candy okay" "so is this goth girl a vampire now" "no; the ghost shielded her from the vampirism and any injury" "well i am really glad we could have this science lesson now i have a lot of magic work to do so goodbye and have fun jerry courtney and gretchen" The Great Cheryl teleports everyone else outside. "g-GRETCHEN?!" "hideous name yeah" In a second, Michelle is also teleported outside. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions/Claire Who is a Ghost missions]

Mission 011: Tuning In [The Great Cheryl]
"all right jaden i have a very important magic show at alabama castle today and i need you to be my opening act" "um i don't have an act" "i'm sure something will come to you" The Great Cheryl teleports herself and Jakey to Alabama Castle, where King Bran and Emelyn sit, waiting. "uh h-hey how are you guys doing tonight" "could be better" "oh cool cool well um want to see a cool trick" "sure" "okay okay cool check it out" Jakey pulls out five interlocked rings and hands them to Emelyn to verify that they are, in fact, interlocked. "now watch as i say the magic wor-" The rings are shot out of Jakey's hands by The Great Cheryl. "um that wasn't how it was supposed to go" "i'd be worried if it was" "s-so um-" "THANK YOU, JEBEDIAH" The Great Cheryl flings Jakey backstage and sets up a giant box. "presto chango wiggy wiggy wango hocus pocus abra kadabra alakaZAM" The box turns into a large flatscreen television. "YES" King Bran rushes over to hug and kiss his new TV. "thanks; milord was driving me crazy trying to watch macguyver on that broken tv" Emelyn hands The Great Cheryl a crisp 100 Alabama Fun Bux note, and The Great Cheryl disappears in a puff of smoke, with Michelle appearing in her place. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Emelyn missions]

Mission 012: It's a Dog's Life [King Bran]
Jakey enters the castle to see King Bran standing in a dark room with a single light shining on a figure sitting in a chair. "oh boy i love king bran's signature brand of ruthless interrogations" Jakey runs up to the one-way glass window, and is shocked to see who King Bran is interrogating. "tell me, scraps, are you now or have you ever been a good boy" The room grows silent, causing King Bran to slam his fists down on the table. "ANSWER THE QUESTION" Scraps begins to whine, and Jakey enters the interrogation room. "GODDAMMIT JAKEY WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT INTERRUPTING MY INTERROGATIONS" "come on dude he's just a little dog" "oh that's what he WANTS you to believe" "yeah, because it's the truth" "i have my doubts" "come on this is ridiculous" Jakey grabs Scraps and heads for the door. "COME BACK HERE WITH THAT SUSPECT" "what is he suspected of" "a felony charge of licking my face while i sleep" "that's a serious charge but i don't think scraps did it" "and why is that" "the tongue prints found at the scene don't match scraps's tongue prints at all" "oh pfft; he probably just got shady tongue surgery so that we'd think the same thing" Jakey begins to sweat, as King Bran's logic is impregnable. "l-look i-i-i'll i'll pay scraps's bail and help you find the culprit later okay" "fine" Jakey writes King Bran a cheque for ten thousand Alabama Fun Bux for Scraps's bail, and another for fifty thousand for Michelle's bail. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/tongue surgeon t-shirt]

Mission 013: Every Dog Has its Day [King Bran]
Jakey enters the castle to find Emelyn looking worriedly on as King Bran interrogates a stray dog. "that man certainly is ruthless" "no ruths at all; not ruth gordon nor babe ruth" "so do you have any idea who licked king bran's face" Emelyn looks down, dejectedly. "it was me" "wait seriously" "i don't want to talk about it" "you're going to have to, or some innocent dog is going to be executed" "i know" Emelyn walks into the interrogation room, Jakey trailing behind. "dammit emelyn can't you see-" "it was me" "what" "i was the one who licked your face" "..." "..." "why though" "you had some whipped cream on your face and it looked so good so i just had a little lick" "oh that makes-wait what the fuck there wasn't whipped cream on my face when i went to bed" "there wasn't?" "oh THAT was me" "why did you do it jakey" "well i went in to borrow some whipped cream and i tripped and fell through the trap door into your bedroom-" "but my bedroom is ABOVE the kitchen" "oh that was my fault; i accidentally shut off the gravity while i was vacuuming" "okay it all makes sense now" King Bran stamps onto a piece of paper. "full pardons for everyone!!!" "oh boy" "can i have one too" "i don't see why not" King Bran stamps a pardon onto Michelle's manslaughter charge. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/whipped cream t-shirt]

Mission 014: Show No Weakness [King Bran]
"hey jakey i am hungry can you go get me some noodles i'd have emelyn do it but she's busy washing my car" "on it" Jakey exits the castle and walks to the street corner, where Shopkeepour has set up a noodle stand. "yo shopkeepour can i get some noodles" "okay here you go" Shopkeepour scoops a serving of noodles directly into Jakey's hands. "OW FUCK" "oh did you want a bowl? that costs extra" "well i kind of assumed-" Jakey's phone rings loudly. "just a second; hello" "JAKEY YOU ARE ABOUT TO MAKE A HUGE MISTAKE" "is that you ressie" "LISTEN you will never get ANYBODY'S respect if you can't resist simple shit like boiling water in your bare hands" "i would imagine king bran would want to eat out of a bowl rather than my bare hands" "HE HAS HIS OWN BOWLS YOU DONUT" "well uh" "listen i can accept that you were taken off-guard the first time, but i will never respect you again if you puss out on me here and neither will my cousin or anyone else" "well it looks like i've got no choice" "exactly" Jakey hangs up the phone, and holds out his hands. "noodle me" Shopkeepour dumps a boiling hot serving of noodles into Jakey's outstretched hands, and Jakey calmly transports them to King Bran's throne room, where King Bran holds out his royal bowl. Jakey dumps the noodles into the bowl, then shakes off his hands. "thanks jakey i was worried for a minute that you'd get a redundant bowl but i knew deep down that you'd pull through and not puss out" King Bran begins to eat his noodles, and when he finishes, he holds out his bowl a second time, and Michelle runs up to put another serving of noodles in. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/noodles t-shirt]

Mission 015: I-N-S-P-E-C-T Find Out What it Means to Me [King Bran]
"so then i says to azalea you know what i says? i says-" Just as Jakey is about to tell King Bran all about what he says to Azalea, the door of the castle is politely kicked in. "MONARCHY INSPECTION" "aw fuck fuck fuck FUCK" King Bran dives behind the throne. "wha-" "cover for me jakey" King Bran slaps his crown onto Jakey's head. "are you the king" "apparently i am" "all right, my name is ruth barlow; i am from the inspection board" "the monarchy inspection board?" "no just the inspection board; king bran XXXIX felt it was too expesive to give everything its own inspection board so they consolidated into just one board to handle all inspection styles" "oh that makes sense" "so first question for you mistour king bran: where are the law-making records for this last fiscal year" "i don't know i let my maid handle all of that" As if on cue, Emelyn rushes up and sets the gigantic box filled with 2018-2019's new laws on the floor at Ruth's feet. "you know, i was told the box would not be anywhere near this size" "oh don't worry; this is just the only box we had" "oh nice" Ruth takes the top off of the box, and papers spill out all over the castle, flooding the entire grand hall. "..." "..." "okay i don't have the time or the patience to read every single one of these so i'll pick one out at random and judge them all based on that" "sounds reasonable" Ruth grabs a paper from the pile. "new law, 08 july 2016: it is now a felony offense for the external temperature to be above 75 degrees fahrenheit" "ooh that's a good one; the entire nation cheered as electricity bills plummetted from less air conditioner use" "indeed it was" Ruth pulls out her stamper and stamps the word "PASSED" in green ink on Jakey's forehead, then leaves the castle. "impressive; i assumed you were going to tell her to inspect your penis next" "i considered it, but felt a better opportunity would present itself at a later date" Michelle pops up from within the sea of forms. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Inspection Board t-shirt/Azalea missions/Ruth missions]

Mission 016: Seeing is Believing [Julia]
Julia walks forward to meet Jakey, but bumps straight into him. "oh sorry" "um maybe you should get your hair out of your eyes" "dude no this isn't pop music" "what" "FOREHEADS ARE THE LEAST ROCK AND ROLL THING EVER" "oh uh okay" "now help me get over to that bench" Jakey walks Julia over to a bench and sits her down. "now i know what you're thinking i can see it on your face" "you can?" "okay no but i can IMAGINE it on your face" "fair enough" "well i'll have you know that not keeping up with your salon visits is the EPITOME of rock and roll!!!" "ah yes, like the saying goes: sex, drugs, and not keeping up with your salon visits" "exactly" Julia holds up a copy of Deth Mantis's 1985 classic, Sex, Drugs, and Not Keeping Up with Your Salon Visits. "this album changed my life" "yeah, now you're effectively blind" "and i've never been happier" Jakey taps Julia's opposite shoulder from where he's sitting. "GAH WHO'S THERE" Julia's head whips around as she fruitlessly punches the air. "uh-" "JAKEY HELP ME TAKE CARE OF THIS GUY HE KEEPS DODGING MY BLOWS" Jakey lifts Julia's hair from in front of her eyes. "DAMMIT HE GOT AWAY" "there was no one there to begin with; i just tapped your shoulder from here" "oh pfft how could you have tapped THIS shoulder from THAT side of me? you're just lying to cover up your own ineptitude when i was being brutally attacked by a hardened criminal mastermind" "um sure" Julia glances around the park for the first time in months. "HEY THOSE KIDS ARE SMOKING BY THE STATUE WITHOUT A PERMIT" Julia leaps up, her hair falling back down into her eyes as she charges full tilt into the statue, giving herself a concussion. "I AM BEGINNING TO UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF VISION" "so do you want a ride?" "yeah to the hospital" Julia goes unconscious as Michelle pokes at her with a stick. "after that, you can take me home"
[reward: respect +/Deth Mantis t-shirt]

Mission 017: Quit Horsing Around [Julia]
"oh i see you've fixed your vision problems" "oh yeah the lady at the hospital said it was super-common and did it for me for free" "so technically you didn't even go to the salon at all" "yeah!!! i am still 100% rock and roll!!! but uh now we have a new problem" "uh-oh" "there is a woman riding a horse in the park without a horse permit an-" "do you really have permits printed for all of these things" Julia sighs and pulls out a box. "inside here are permits of various cost and importance; not everything i've said needs a permit is in here because all copies of that particular permit have been issued" "'mowing the lawn permit'?" "you can't have just anyone mowing the park's grass jakey what if they cut it too short all the other lawns will make fun of it and give it a complex" "nothing worse than a sad lawn" "exactly now anyway go talk to that lady on the horse and try to get her and/or the horse to leave" "you don't care if the horse stays here?" "as long as no one's riding it, it's fine" "um okay" Jakey walks over to the horse and its rider. "oh hey jakey what's up" "i could ask you the same question" "well i am currently riding a horse" "i noticed; any particular reason why" "oh yeah so you know how if you ride a horse for long enough your legs will begin to bow out from straddling the horse too much" "yeah" "well i am trying to resist that effect and it is going swimmingly so far" "how long have you been at this for" "a couple months now" "uh were you here a few hours ago" "yeah i waved at you but you didn't see me" "oh sorry" "nah it's fine" "so uh did you know you need a permit to ride a horse in this park" "what no" "yeah uh you should probably apply for a permit before you continue any further" "but WHAT IF" "oh no" "but WHAT IF i were to RESIST GETTING A PERMIT?!" "please don't" "already doing" "goddammit" "hi ho horsey away!!!" Resistance Leadour sprints around the park with a new vigour. "jakey what the FUCK" "peace talks backfired" "i can see that; the only option left is for you to shoot her down with your gun" Jakey shoots Julia a look and pulls out his gun, and fires, scoring a direct hit on Resistance Leadour's chest. She is unfazed. "WHAT" "thanks for helping me with my bullet resistance training also jakey!!!" "goddammit jakey this is your mess and you're going to clean it up or so help me" "yeah yeah don't worry" Jakey hops into his time machine and heads back to a few minutes ago, selecting the 'replace past self' option on the dashboard. "yeah i waved at you but you didn't see me" "oh sorry" "nah it's fine" "so this is nice and all but wouldn't it be more efficient to also train another resistance while you're at it" "oh?" "yeah you could do it in a toxic waste dump or a nuclear power plant and resist getting poisoned" "OH THAT SOUNDS AWESOME thanks jakey i will go to do that right away!!!" Resistance Leadour spurs her horse hard toward the nearby nuclear power plant. "good job jakey; as a reward for your hard work i will reward you with a park permit of your choice" Jakey eyeballs the park permits in front of him. His eyes immediately see a 'take Michelle home' permit, and he sighs and grabs it. "why that one" "because i know that if i attempt to choose anything else, i'll end up with this one anyway" Michelle walks up to Jakey with her own 'get taken home by Jakey' permit. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Resistance Leadour missions]

Mission 018: A Walk in the Park [Elizabeth]
"mr jakey i know that i am but a small start-up magic act but i need to get my tricks out there to the world; i want to move upward from a small stand in my parents' front yard but i lack any form of money or influence" "why don't you just go to the park and perform your magic for tips in front of a large audience" "i tried but the park lady started yelling at me about permits and i got scared and ran away crying" "well let's go back and get those permits" "okay if you say so" Jakey and Elizabeth hop into The Motherfucker and drive down to the park, where Julia is chasing some kids around for sticking gum to the underside of the benches without a permit. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Elizabeth and zooms right up to her. "are you going to follow the rules this time" "uh uh uh w-well uh" "may i see your stuttering permit" "uh uh uh i-i-i-i-i" "julia, elizabeth here would like to apply for the aforementioned permits but she's having a hard time getting past your aggressive demeanour" "i adopt the demeanour that is NECESSARY to keep peace in this park but i digress; which permits do you want" "p-performing magic a-and stuttering i-i-i guess" "well we're fresh out of stuttering permits but here's a magic permit" "oh uh thanks" "i'll look past the stuttering this time but be more careful in the future" "okay ma'am" Julia turns around, and spots a young man proposing marriage to his girlfriend without a permit, and storms off to stop him. "she is terrifying" "yes, yes she is" Michelle drops down from the sky, her parachute getting caught on the statue, without a 'getting your parachute caught on the statue' permit OR a skydiving permit. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Julia missions]

Mission 019: Living the Dream [Gwendolyn]
Jakey knocks on Gwendolyn's door, and is greeted almost immediately. "oh hey jakey come in but uh mind that you don't trip over these large piles of money" "gwendolyn did you rob a bank again" "no no no i made all this money legitimately*" Jakey cocks his head to the side, taking note of the asterisk. "hey i checked and there is no law specifically against what i have been doing" "and what would that be" "i've been using the 'internet' to broadcast live videos of myself playing videogames with my breasts hanging out" "DUDE you should have told me sooner!!! videogames and breasts are like the two greatest inventions in the history of mankind!!!" "i wanted to surprise you; anyway the donations have been pouring in at a constant rate and i haven't even shown off a single nipple" "what kinds of videogames have you been playing" "i don't remember the name but it's really bad and i die a lot but everytime i die i get more donations out of sympathy so i've been playing it exclusively" "oh is it that one that feels like you're constantly moving in jello and it takes five hours to swing your sword even the once" "yeah" "i hear that's really popular with the youths of today" "yeah those youths have no taste" "good taste in breasts though" "oh yeah my breasts are hella tight" "do they know you're a vampire on this stream" "they think i'm just some kind of goth weirdo" "so what are you going to use the money for" "well hanukkah is coming so" "right right" "do you think people would like it if i just gift wrapped ten pounds of assorted bills" "i know i'd like it" "sweet" One of the piles of money begins to shake, and from it pops Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/twitch.tv t-shirt]

Mission 020: Inspect Your Peers [Gwendolyn]
"so then i says to brooke you know what i says? i says-" Just as Jakey is about to tell Gwendolyn all about what he says to Brooke, the door of the apartment is politely kicked in. "STREAMER INSPECTION" "aw fuck" Ruth looks through the paperwork on her clipboard. "all right, my name is ruth barlow; i am from the inspection board" "pleasure to meet you" "so i've heard you've started up a videogames streaming account and have gotten popular lately" "that is correct" "may i see your recording setup" "sure, sure" Gwendolyn leads Ruth and Jakey into the guest bedroom, which has been converted into her streaming room. "so first i unbutton my shirt like this" Gwendolyn begins to unbutton her shirt, leaving her cleavage exposed. Ruth's face begins to redden. "oh that explains everything" Embarrassed, Ruth fumbles for her stamp and stamps "PASSED" in green ink onto Gwendolyn's left boob. "that will be all" Ruth quickly exits the apartment. "that went well" "sorry i'm nearsighted i can't read that stamp very well can i get a closer look" "if you think it'll help" Jakey goes to stuff his head into Gwendolyn's cleavage, but is beaten to it by Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Brooke missions]

Mission 021: What You Want [Gwendolyn]
"jakey good i need your help; i have a vampiric inspection in a few hours" "another inspection?!" "having a lot of descriptors necessitates a lot of inspections so i need to prepare; can you drive down to the cobweb store and buy some cobwebs for me to hang" "uh sure" "thanks you're a deathsaver" Jakey runs outside, hops into The Motherfucker, and pedals off for Cobwebz Я Us, where Taylor sits behind the counter, chewing a well-worn stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "congratulation!!! you are our 1,000,000th customer!!!" "oh wow but uh i've never seen any cars parked outside before" "yeah we've been sitting at 999,999 customers since 1989" "so what do i win" "well the original prize was a pair of milli vanilli tickets but uh i assume you don't want those" "good assumption" "how about you just take whatever you'd like, free of charge" "oh boy" Jakey grabs the 50 pound tub of cobwebs and drives back to Gwendolyn's apartment. "yo gwendo i got the cobwebs" "oh thanks i-" Gwendolyn looks at the tub Jakey brought upstairs. "that's a lot of cobwebs" "well i wasn't sure how much to get so i grabbed the biggest tub they had" "um thanks i guess i'll have some for next time as well (and the time after that and the time after THAT and so on into infinity)" "glad to help" Gwendolyn drags the tub over to the corner of the room and gets to work. Michelle honks the horn on Jakey's tricycle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Cobwebs Я Us t-shirt]

Mission 022: Protect and Swerve [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"psst jakey hey" "hey why are we whispering" "okay so you know how i'm a ghost right" "right, it is one of your most memorable and defining features" "right so as a ghost i have a responsibility to go and haunt whatever they tell me to haunt but the owners of this building i'm haunting are having none of it and have called the sheriff AND the deputy!!!" "that is absolutely ridiculous; you're just trying to earn a dying" "i know right!!! listen you have to help me; if the sheriff or deputy sees me they'll probably exorcise me" "oh dear" Jakey walks over to where Sheriff Antony and Deputy Orange are playing with some toy trucks on the floor. "oh hey jakey you're just in time for our break" Deputy Orange hands Jakey a hot green truck, and Jakey sits down to play. "three people is the perfect number of people to play trucks" "yes, with any more people, their arms get in the way and obscure vision" "i'd like for there to be a way to play four-way trucks but the physical limitations of this mortal coil prevent it" "oh hey that gives me an idea; what if the fourth party was not limited by this mortal coil?!" "pfft that's impossible" "might as well have asked 'what if we had telekinesis'" Jakey grabs a fourth truck, and holds it in the air, and Claire rushes in to posess it. "check it out" Claire runs the truck over to Sheriff Antony's truck and spins the tyres. "AWESOME" "now we can play trucks with more than three people!!!" Everyone sets their trucks up in a + formation, and rams them all into eachother over and over, creating a gigantic pileup. "that was the best game of trucks ever" "we'll have to do this again soon" "yes i agree" Just then, another truck (piloted by Michelle) spins out of control and crashes into the stack, launching trucks everywhere. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sheriff Antony missions/Deputy Orange missions]

Mission 023: Inspect and Serve [Emelyn]
"so then i says to piper you know what i says? i says-" Just as Jakey is about to tell Emelyn all about what he says to Piper, the door of the maidery closet is politely kicked in. "MAIDERY INSPECTION" "oh boy my favourite" Emelyn lines up and salutes Ruth. "all right, my name is ruth barlow; i am from the inspection board" "my name is jakey i am from the canadian royal family" "cool um the canadian royal family is out of my jurisdiction though so if you don't mind i'd like to concentrate on the maid" "okay i will just gaze longingly at those c cups" "oka-wait how do you know they're c cups" "oh i have an app on my phone" Jakey holds up his phone, showing Ruth the breast size calculator app Piper created. In reality, it just sends pictures to Piper, and she eyeballs them. She is truly the breast in her field. "..." "..." "whatever ANYWAY show me your cleaning supplies" "yes ma'am" Emelyn hands Ruth two bottles. "one is for glass and the other is for not so glass" Ruth sets a manequin head with a brown wig onto a table, then sprays it with the cleaning chemicals. Nothing happens. "phew last time i did this test, i accidentally created mustard gas" "that's why you've always got to carry a package of hot dogs with you when doing this sort of thing" "indeed" Ruth scribbles on a piece of paper attached to her clipboard. "you've passed the inspection; congratulation" Ruth lifts Emelyn's hair and stamps her forehead with the word "PASSED" in green ink, then leaves the castle. Michelle pops up from the mop bucket. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Piper missions]

Mission 024: You'll Never be Alone Again [Emelyn]
"jakey i am having a problem and i need your roughshod brand of justice to take care of it" "oh boy" Jakey pulls out a revolver and attempts to twirl it, but drops it on the floor. "um can we just forget this happened" "fine fine whatever i am being stalked by a paparazzo and i need your help" "uh why would a paparazzo be interested in you of all people" "i don't fucking know but i've been showering fully-clothed for the past week now and i'm sick of it" "that's not how you're supposed to do it?" "what" "i mean think about it; you wash your body and clothes with the soap at the same time; it's like twice as efficient" "just go help me with my damn problem" Jakey hops onto his tricycle, and pedals around the block. Soon, he notices a glint off a lens from within a trash can, and lifts off the lid, finding a blonde girl with a camera. "hello" "oh hey what's up" "nice camera" "oh thanks i spent my entire allowance on it" "and this trash can is remarkably clean" "yeah it's not really a trash can; it is a decoy trash can" "now why would you need something like that" "well taking pictures of people from trash cans is a time-honoured paparazzo tradition but it's also filthy so i brought my own from home so i don't have to worry about diseases" "oh smart" "thanks" "so uh are you the paparazzo stalking emelyn" "yes indeed i am; would you like to buy some pictures of her in her underwear" "YES" Money is exchanged for the goods. "thank you for" "OH right uh emelyn sent me to stop you" "no can do there jakey" "huh?" "i need to get the scoop on king bran" "then stalk him" "no everyone else is doing that; by stalking his maid i can get EXCLUSIVE scoops" "well that does sound logical" "of course; i took all the advanced paparazzo classes at our school" "well you're the professional so i trust your judgement" "wait really? most people shove my can over and roll me down a hill" "that does sound fun now that you mention it" "yeah it is kind of fun but then when i hit the bottom it's annoying trying to find a new spot" "hmm yeah that makes sense" "hey if you ever hear of a big scoop give me a call; here's my card" The girl fishes around in her can for a business card, which reads 'Violet Griffin - Paparazzo', and has her contact information. "i'm sure this will come in useful at some point; if not this year then around nine years from now" "can't wait for your scoops!!!" Just then, Violet flies out of her trash can, and Michelle pops up from underneath her. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/paparazzo business card/Violet missions]