The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread (2019)

Mission 100: Exsanguination [Sophia]
"jakey good news i got another contract i think i can do" "oh nice who is it" "some woman from a parallel universe who came here; good riddance i say, our universe is full" "but what if the parallel universe is sending their best" "it obviously isn't, or no one would want to assassinate this woman" As much as he'd like to argue, Jakey cannot find a hole in Sophia's logic. Jakey watches from a safe distance as Sophia lines up a shot on Parallel Universe Candice. A gunshot rings out, and Parallel Universe Candice springs into action, grabbing an old tray to deflect bullets back. As Sophia loads in and fires more and more bullets, Parallel Universe Candice charges after her, eventually reaching the sniper's perch. Parallel Universe Candice grabs Sophia by the neck, and slams her to the ground, before breaking Mr. Shooty over her knee. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" The threat ended, Parallel Universe Candice's bloodlust subsides. "ah shit back to therapy" Parallel Universe Candice runs off to see her therapist while Sophia cradles the two broken pieces of her best friend in her arms, hot tears running down her cheeks. "WHY WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN ME INSTEAD" Sophia gently sets down the pieces of Mr. Shooty, and grabs her sidearm. "now wait a minu-" "i will join you soon, friend" Sophia puts her sidearm into her mouth and pulls the trigger, killing herself instantly. "shit" Suddenly, Jezzie teleports in and sees Sophia's corpse and the broken Mr. Shooty. "so dramatic" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and Mr. Shooty is fixed. She snaps them again, and Sophia is brought back to life. "take better care of him this time" Jezzie hands Mr. Shooty to Sophia, then snaps her fingers and teleports out. Sophia hugs Mr. Shooty with the strength of a vice. "OH MR. SHOOTY I'M SO SORRY I'LL NEVER LET ANYTHING HAPPEN TO YOU EVER AGAIN" Michelle sobs on Jakey's shoulder, happy that all is back to the status quo. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Parallel Universe Candice missions/Jezzie missions]

Mission 101: To Denounce the Evils of Truth and Love [Deputy Orange]
"jakey i've got a new prisoner here but i can't read his name on this form because it makes my eyes bleed just looking at it" "oh one of those guys" "jakey i need you to soldier through this for me; tell me his name" "his name is pyyousse" "oh god now my ears are bleeding" "yeah it'll do that to you" "but that's nothing compared to what WE'LL do to you!!!" A light shines through the open door, as Mouvve and Saammounne stand in the doorway. "prepare for unpleasantness" "and make sure you pass the test" "so like yeah we're going to break pyyousse out of jail" "no, you're not" "but you will wind up sharing a cell with him" "psst deputy orange what did that guy even do" "he was caught jaywalking" "THE FIEND" "oh dude really?" "that's horrible even for us" "can we just pretend this never happened; we'll just replace him with someone else" "okay fine run along now" Mouvve and Saammounne run away, leaving behind their former companion. Michelle plays a harmonica from within a cell. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/harmonica jacket]

Mission 102: Desperation [Deputy Orange]
"jakey we've got reports of a noise complaint on temple fjord drive" Deputy Orange pumps his shotgun with one hand. "you in?" "totally" Jakey and Deputy Orange hop into The Motherfucker, and drive on down to the scene of the crime. "YOU FUCKERS PAY ATTENTION TO ME" Rachel throws a bottle at a window. "jesus rachel you're looking so dissheveled; you're normally the very picture of sheveled" "these FUCKERS keep ignoring me am i not famous enough yet??? i've tried so damn fucking goddamn hard and FUCK" "what happened to becoming a politician" "IT WAS TOO HARD so many laws and rules and dear GOD just make it STOP" "are you drunk" "i'm over the legal age" "that's not what i'm concerned about" "ma'am please come down to the station with me" "what's it to YOU copper" Rachel takes a tired, drunken swing at Deputy Orange, but misses completely and falls to the ground. Deputy Orange slaps some handcuffs on her, and puts her in the back of his squad car. "some time in the drunk tank should straighten her out" "man it's good that the paparazzo don't care about actresses or this would be a big scandal" "word" Deputy Orange takes off, leaving only Jakey and Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Rachel missions]

Mission 103: Keep it Simple, Stupid [Olivia]
"jakey i've got a problem" "..." "..." "go on" "um okay so the temp agency has sent me my newest career and i now have to be a 'nanotechnology repairman' and i have no idea what that is" "it's like uh really small robuts" "why don't they just say that? i can't be doing with these highfalutin' city-types; i like my technology lowfalutin', thank you very much" "what would 'lowfalutin'' technology even be" "you know, the lever, the pulley, and the inclined plane" "oh yeah those things hardly falute at all" "and yet we use them every day" "i've never used a pulley before in my life" "that's because you're highfalutin' royalfolk; we commoners use pulleys all the time" "i'll uh take your word for it" Michelle uses a system of pulleys to lift herself out of a nearby well. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/simple machines t-shirt]

Mission 104: The Best Possible Outcome [Olivia]
"jakey i got the best possible job from the site" "bed tester?" "YES; i am going to test the fuck out of those beds" "can i come; i've always liked beds" "oh sure sure" Jakey and Olivia hop into The Motherfucker and cruise on down to Bedz Я Us, where Shopkeepour stands behind the counter, chewing a fresh stick of Fruit Stripes chewing gum. "i'm here to test some beds" "oh yes; right this way" Shopkeepour leads Olivia and Jakey through a labyrinth of beds, until they reach a clearing with three beds, lined up side by side. "so, lay on these beds and tell me how they lay" "okay" Olivia hops up onto the first bed, and the frame breaks under her orcish weight. "this bed is NOT rated for an orc" "i can uh see that" Olivia hops onto the next bed, which sags heavily in the middle. "is this some kind of weird upscale rich kid feature i don't know about" "uh not that i know of; it's not supposed to do that i don't think" Olivia leaves the bed, struggling mightily, and, relieved from the tension, the bed bounces high into the air. Olivia hops onto the third bed. "oh perfect" "uh ma'am i put that one there as a joke it's made of stone" "yeah, and it supports my weight perfectly; just throw a cushioning pad on it and it's perfect" Olivia gets out her chequebook. "i'll take about a thousand of these for my village; it will be a lot better than how most of us just sleep in bags on the floor" "uh i'll have to check with my manager" "no rush" Out of the corner of his eye, Jakey notices Michelle pushing all of her weight onto one point on the second mattress; when she gets up, the mattress goes flying, and bowls Jakey over. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/bed jacket]

Mission 105: Just Desserts [Victorrhea]
"jakey good news; francesca whatever who cares is dead now" "oh i'm glad your plan succeeded" "well meeting you is what gave me the idea because you're so violent so i also have you to thank" Victorrhea holds out a wrapped package with Jakey's name on it. "i wrapped this myself for you" "oh thanks" Jakey carefully opens the package, and inside is a brownie, wrapped in plastic. "i had the nurse wrap the brownie for you though; no one terminally ill has touched it" Jakey didn't hear Victorrhea say that, however, because the brownie was already gone and ingested. "i can definitely see why you'd kill for these" "I KNOW RIGHT the best thing about being terminally ill is these brownies; makes it all worth it in the end" "i'm considering getting a terminal illness of my own so i can get more of these brownies" Michelle sneaks past the hospital room, carrying a brown sack full of brownies. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/opened package appears at safehouses]

Mission 106: Therapy [Parallel Universe Candice]
"so how's therapy going" "i think my therapist isn't licensed" "don't therapists usually hang their licenses and doctorates on the wall" "yeah but i think they're fake; i actually read one and it said 'good apple in mrs teachour's first grade class'" "that's actually reassuring; you don't want a delinquent therapist" "yeah but the recipient was one 'manuel emilio lopez' and i don't think my therapist is mexican" "oh yeah that could be a problem" "i have an appointment in a few minutes could you come with me and make sure everything is above-board" "okay" Jakey and Parallel Universe Candice enter the therapist's office, where they are greeted by a strange fellow with a big grey moustache. "allo and velcome to ze zerapeest's ouffeece; it has been long time since you were here to zee me mizz candeeze" "it's been like two hours" "yes zat eez long time between treatment" Parallel Universe Candice lays down on the couch as the therapist gets out a tape recorder. "how zay into ze tape reecourdair everyzing zat has happened" Jakey scans the diplomas and certificates, and all are signed to Manuel Emilio Lopez, but the therapist's accent is distinctively a horrible amalgamation of a German and French accent. "hey are you a real therapist" "of course i am!!! how dare you!!!" "what happened to your accent" "what accent" "hey is that a mosquito in your moustache" "GAH" The therapist rips off the fake moustache and hucks it on the ground. Without the moustache, everyone can clearly see that it is Violet impersonating a therapist. "um let me try that again" "no need" "man all i wanted was your wrestling secrets but you just kept going on and on about 'horrific war this' and 'bloodlust that'" "you know you could have just asked me for an interview" "no that's what lame people do" Michelle climbs out of Violet's trash can in the corner, eating some beef jerky. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Violet missions]

Mission 107: Professional Wrestling [Jezzie]
"oh good jakey you're just in time to watch my pro wrestling debut" "as much as i'd like to see you greased up and wrestling other women, i can't help but think that sounds really unfair" "that's uh kind of the point; it wouldn't be very evil if it were fair" "you're going to put an innocent girl into a coma aren't you" "that's the plan!!!" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey are teleported to the ring. "hey how come sometimes you have goat legs and sometimes you have human legs" "i change my legs to suit the situation; goat legs are more intimidating but human legs are more versatile now sit down the match is about to start" The wrestlers enter the ring to their respective themes; Jezzie to Sympathy for the Devil, and Olivia to Soundgarden's cover of Girl U Want. "now you know the stakes - winner gets belt, loser gets eternal shame" The bell rings, and Olivia and Jezzie square off. Olivia gets in some heavy grapples and slams, but Jezzie isn't even trying. Once Olivia gets overconfident, however, Jezzie begins teleporting behind her and unleashing her devastating suplexes. After the second suplex, Olivia begins punching behind herself, which lands exactly one blow before Jezzie teleports back to the front for a haymaker. Undeterred, Olivia stands back up and throws all her weight to her side, completely missing Jezzie. Jezzie is confused for a moment, until Olivia bounces off the ropes, and hits Jezzie hard in the side. "oh nice hit" A hellish fire burns around Jezzie for just a second, and wings sprout from her back. Jezzie flies into the surprised Olivia, and flies her up into the rafters. Jezzie then flies straight down with all her speed and both her and Olivia's weight crashing down on Olivia's head. "ONE TWO THREE" Jezzie begins celebrating her victory. "FOUR FIVE SIX" Olivia's ears ring as her vision blurs; she feels like she has to throw up. "SEVEN EIGHT NINE" Her belt on the line, Olivia uses the last of her strength to lunge straight at Jezzie, who simply steps out of the way. Olivia falls unconscious. "KNOCK OUT" The announcer rips the belt from Olivia's waist, and slaps it onto Jezzie's waist. "you know, this isn't even close to my final form" Jakey shudders to imagine what Jezzie's final form even looks like. He vows then and there to make sure Jezzie is defeated by one of his descendants because he's really scared. A bunch of nurses attempt to lift Olivia onto a stretcher, but she is way too heavy. "oh let me get that for you" Jezzie levitates Olivia's unconscious body onto the stretcher. Michelle places her hand on her heart in fond remembrance. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Olivia missions]

Mission 108: It's a Hard-Knock Life [Rachel]
"is it just me or is she getting drunker in there" "in retrospect, it may have been a bad idea to put a minifridge in there, filled with nothing but whiskey" "it may just have been" "I WON'T STAND FOR THIS SHODDY TREATMENT I DID A MOVIE WITH TODD CRUZ GODDAMMIT" "i heard you the first five times, when you said 'tom cruise', 'ted cruz', 'tim booze', 'rick scoop', and 'travis coons'" "SEE THAT'S SIX HIGH-PROFILE NAMES I'M A FUCKING A-LIST STAR Y'ALL FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT" "her accent really comes out when she's drunk doesn't it" "how long are you going to let this go on" "well i tried to get her out of there so i could remove the whiskey and she bit me so i'm just going to let her drink until she either runs out of alcohol or dies" "what's the line on 'runs out of alcohol'" "three-to-two" "aw" Michelle shows up, wearing a delivery uniform, and has Rachel sign for the whiskey she ordered. Rachel signs her name as 'Ray Jay Johnson', and grabs her whiskey from Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Deputy Orange missions]

Mission 109: Corporate Warfare [Violet]
"jakey my sources have tipped me off to two corporations EMBROILED in conflict!!!" "what sources" Violet holds up her magic 8-ball. "this baby's never steered me wrong" "i'll bet" "so anyway the BIG thing is it's that crazy svart guy again!!! i knew he was up to something!!!" "who isn't up to something in this crazy world we live in" "good question but it's up to me to reveal those somethings to ALL" "okay, you have my blessing" "oh thanks; i've already wiretapped his car dealership though" "get anything juicy?" "he just keeps talking about being in love with a demoness and wanting to 'kill that pixington', whatever that means" "so the next step is to wiretap the demoness's house" "OH good idea!!! but uh i need to find out where she lives" "maybe that demonic spire that towers over the rest of the city?" "that's certainly a possibility; magic 8-ball what do you think" Violet gives her magic 8-ball a shake, and it replies "YES". "it's decided!!!" Violet scrunches down into her trash can. "give me a kick, jakey!!!" Jakey complies, and Violet rolls down the hill toward the demonic spire. Michelle walks up with a "KICK ME" sign on her back. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Svart of Darkness missions]

Mission 110: Get Well Soon [Olivia]
Jakey enters Olivia's room with a bouquet of t-bone steaks. "oh jakey you brought me my favourite!!!" "you're awake?! i expected you to be in a coma" "nah my orcish constitution is better than that" Jakey hands Olivia the steaks, and she begins gratefully munching on them. "so uh how have you been" "not great; that fight made me realise i was overconfident and out of shape, but NO LONGER" "that's the spirit" "starting now, i will only eat PROTEIN" Jakey looks in the trash can and sees three empty cartons of ice cream. "hey don't look at that; it was complimentary and it would have been rude to not eat it" "i don't think they give you three whole cartons of ice cream though" "A GIRL CAN CRY IF SHE NEEDS TO; THE TEARS PAVE THE WAY TO FUTURE SUCCESS" "i uh didn't say anything about crying" "GOOD; KEEP IT THAT WAY" Olivia begins gnawing on her steaks far more viciously than before. Jakey slowly backs out of the room, knowing when to back out. Unfortunately, he backs out straight into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/bouquet of t-bone steaks t-shirt]

Mission 111: Survival of the Fittest [Deputy Orange]
"oh good timing jakey i was just about to leave for my mountain survival training" "you mean you didn't have that when you signed up?" "i did but this is more of a refresher course" "oh; i'm exempt from it because i'm canadian and we're basially immune to cold" "yeah i was wondering about that; is there anything special you do" "nope we're just born that way" "would it be possible for me to be reborn as a canadian" "i mean we could attempt to flag down a stork and get you delivered to canadian parents but i'm not sure that will work" "i don't have that kind of time either" "yeah well be careful; i hear that extreme cold is deadly to you wimpy southerners" "do i need to remind you of how from may through august every year, you hibernate in the air conditioning, never leaving your apartment for anything" "how is that relevant" "just as we cannot handle cold, you cannot handle heat" "put on more clothes you fucking wuss; i can't just take off clothes indefinitely i reach skin eventually and that's not supposed to come off" "whatever" Deputy Orange walks over to the fridge to grab his drink, but he finds Michelle inside drinking straight from the carton of milk. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/milk t-shirt]

Mission 112: Better Stand Back [Svart of Darkness]
"oh oh jakey you're just in time; i have hired a league of assassins to finally KILL THAT PIXINGTON" "oh a whole league? for one pixington?" "and her entire species too but that's less important" "hmm i'm gonna go kick the tyres on these guys make sure they're up to the task" "pfft i only hired the best; they are unflappable" "we'll see about that" Jakey exits the dealership and moseys on over to Svart of Darkness's hired League of Assassins. "hey boys; is this the assassin troupe i've heard so much about" "t-TROUPE?!" "dude troupes are for clowns" "exactly; you guys? totally a troupe" "oh that is IT; better say your prayers fucker" Jakey gets down on his knees to pray. "dear lord, what's up? i'm just chillin' with this troupe of assassins here; real funny guys i feel they're a credit to their circus" "okay eat lead" The head assassin pulls out his desert eagle and pops Jakey right in the head. Jakey heals immediately, and makes a whistling noise. "man you guys are hilarious; do you do birthdays?" A member of the assassin's troupe makes a call to headquarters. "code red; we've got an insult to our honour here; drop everything" "that's what i like to hear" Jakey pulls out the twin revolvers that Sheriff Antony gave him for his birthday, and twirls them around before training them on the assassins. "well i've had my laughs; it's time for the show to end" The assassins unload their guns into Jakey, but he walks through the gunfire, firing upon and killing twelve of the assassins, leaving two. Jakey holsters his revolvers and pulls out a special gun. "you guys should appreciate this one" Jakey walks up to one of the assassins and presses the gun to his temple, firing out a long metal rod with a white flag that says "BANG" on it. Of course, the metal rod pierces the assassin's skull. "you should totally use that in your act when you get to hell" Jakey takes aim at the final assassin, but Michelle snaps his neck before Jakey can fire. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Troupe of Assassins missions]

Mission 113: Get Out of My Way [Troupe of Assassins]
"doot doot doot doo i hope no one tries to hit me as i stand on the side of this raging highway" Jakey walks along the highway, his hands in his pockets, whistling badly. All of a sudden and right on cue, a black van careens toward Jakey. Jakey swiftly pulls out a red cloth and yanks it away as the oncoming van is about to hit him and it. "TORO TORO" Jakey claps his hands, and on cue, another van swerves to hit him. Again, Jakey yanks the cloth away and escapes unscathed. "¡¡¡olé!!!" A third van joins the attack, and stomps hard toward Jakey's outstretched red cloth. Jakey yanks it away on approach once again. "¿el toro? nada que temer" Jakey slings his red cloth over his shoulder and calmly walks away from the wreckage, back to a waiting Michelle. "llévame a casa"
[reward: respect +/el toro jacket]

Mission 114: I'm Comin' on Strong Like a Burnin' Flame [Troupe of Assassins]
"doot doot doot doo walking in the graveyard hope no one tries to put me in a grave" Jakey walks along the graveyard, his hands in his pockets, whistling badly. All of a sudden and right on cue, a troupe of assassins leaps out and simultaneously dives at Jakey. Jakey rolls out of the way, and the troupe hits the ground with a "thud". "all right; just like we planned" The arm of an escavator scoops up the ground immediately under the assassins, and dumps them off of a cliff. Jakey climbs up to the cab of the escavator, and gives Valerie a high-five. The escavator arm returns to neutral position, with Michelle in the claw. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/escavator jacket]

Mission 115: Better Take it Easy [Troupe of Assassins]
"doot doot doot doo relaxing by the pool hope no one tries to drown me" Jakey lounges in a longchair, his hands behind his head, whistling badly. All of a sudden and right on cue, a troupe of assassin snorkelers emerges from the pool and stomps for Jakey's longchair. "oh, waitress" Noriko leaps down from the rooftop above, and batters two assassins with her twin featherdusters. As another assassin comes on her right, she readies a spray bottle and sprays a stream of window cleaner right in the assassin's face. Noriko unsheathes her mop and twirls it all around, knocking assassin after assassin into the pool. Once all the assassins are drowned, Noriko bows and throws down a febreeze bomb, disappearing in the soothing smoke's fragrance. Jakey and Michelle tink their coconuts together in celebration. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/mop jacket]

Mission 116: Don't You Get Me Uptight [Troupe of Assassins]
"doot doot doot doo standing atop a skyscraper hope no one tries to push me off" Jakey walks along the roof of a skyscraper, his hands in his pockets, whistling badly. All of a sudden and right on cue, a troupe of assassin paratroopers descends from above. "okay, give 'em what you got" "PARATROOPER INSPECTION" The assassin paratroopers stop dead in their tracks, suspended in mid-air. "all right, my name is ruth barlow; i'm from the inspection board" Ruth walks over to the paratroopers and pulls out a pair of scissors, cutting all of the strings attaching the parachutes to the assassins, sending the assassins crashing down toward the earth. "these parachutes fail inspection" Ruth grabs a handful of "FAILED" stampers and hucks them down at the assassins, marking them with their failure before they hit the ground. Michelle parachutes in and lands on the top of the building perfectly. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/paratrooper jacket]

Mission 117: I'm Wound Up Like a Spring and I'm Ready to Fight [Troupe of Assassins]
"doot doot doot doo walking at a magic show hope that no one makes me disappear" Jakey walks along the stage, his hands in his pockets, whistling badly. All of a sudden and right on cue, a troupe of assassin magicians poof into existence. "welcome welcome; you're just in time for the show" "yes, i will need a volunteer or ten!!!" Elizabeth rushes the assassin magicians into a large box. "now watch in amazement as swords rain down from the sky into this box!!!" Just as Elizabeth says, swords rain down from the sky and skewer the box. "but look!!! none of the volunteers are harmed!!!" Elizabeth opens the box, revealing the corpses of all the assassin magicians, skewered by the swords. "oh right i forgot to say the magic words" Elizabeth shrugs. "ah well" Jakey whistles and hollers toward Elizabeth, throwing roses onto the stage. In his excitement, he also throws Michelle onto the stage. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/skewered box jacket]

Mission 118: Better Look Out When You Ring the Bell [Troupe of Assassins]
"doot doot doot doo walking inside the ring hope that no jabroni suplexes me and tries to take my title belt" Jakey walks along the ropes, his hands in his pockets, whistling badly. All of a sudden and right on cue, a troupe of assassin wrestlers rushes in for the suplex. "just bring it" From behind the troupe of assassin wrestlers, a horde of orcs rushes in to suplex them before they can reach Jakey. Naturally, with the raw strength of an orc, the assassin wrestlers' necks are broken instantly. Jakey raises Olivia's arm to the sky to signify her victory. Michelle runs up and gives Jakey a friendly suplex. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/wrestler jacket]

Mission 119: 'cause I'm Comin' Up Fast Like a Bat Outta Hell [Troupe of Assassins]
"doot doot doot doo walking around the old playground hope that no one tries to give me a wedgie" Jakey walks along the edge of the playground, his hands in his pockets, whistling badly. All of a sudden and right on cue, a troupe of assassin children zips down the slide. "don't you know it's dangerous for everyone to go on the slide at the same time" Just as the assassins reach the end of the slide, Emelyn finishes waxing it. The assassins fly off the end of the slide, soaring all the way to the moon. Michelle goes down the slide next, and Emelyn quickly throws some sand on it to slow her down, so she only rockets straight into Jakey's chest. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/slide jacket]

Mission 120: When I Get Hot, You Know What I'm Like [Troupe of Assassins]
"doot doot doot doo walking around the old smelting factory hope no one dumps molten metal on me" Jakey walks around inside the old factory, his hands in his pockets, whistling badly. All of a sudden and right on cue, a troupe of assassin factory workers leap onto the bucket of molten metal, and attempt to dislodge it from its crane arm as Jakey stands underneath it. "tango in position" "roger roger" Unimportant shoots at the ground with a giant railgun, rumbling the building's foundation just enough to make every assassin fall into the molten metal. "all my practice at shooting the ground has finally paid off" "yeah i knew you were the only one to call when it comes to plans that involve shooting the ground" Michelle controls the crane arm, and spills the molten metal onto the floor, creating a giant hole. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/molten metal jacket]

Mission 121: I'm Coiled Up Like a Snake and I'm Ready to Strike [Troupe of Assassins]
"doot doot doot doo walking atop a snowly mountain hope no one shoves me off" Jakey walks around atop the snowly mountain, his hands in his pockets, whistling badly. All of a sudden and right on cue, a troupe of assassin mountain climbers scale the icy peak. "sorry guys already planted my flag here" "someone's summitted mt. snowly?!" Violet rushes straight up to Jakey in her trash can, bowling over all the assassins and sending them hurtling down the mountain. "sir sir a word for the newspapers" "well," "that'll do nicely" Violet scribbles down the word "well,", complete with comma, and rolls back down the mountain. Michelle crests the peak, but sees Jakey and snaps her flag over her knee. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mt. Snowly jacket]

Mission 122: I Was Flyin' High 'til You Shot Me Down [Troupe of Assassins]
"doot doot doot doo walking along the pier hope no one crashes a boat into me" Jakey walks around on the pier, his hands in his pockets, whistling badly. All of a sudden and right on cue, a troupe of assassin yachters sail into port. "oh nice boat; not as nice as mine, though" All of a sudden and right on cue, Jakey's ship smashes into the side of the yacht, capsizing it and sending the yacht's crew down to the briny depths. "so how was it" "exciting; another two items off my bucket list" Victorrhea crosses "sail a ship" and "destroy a ship" off of her bucket list. Michelle also crosses off "watch Jakey take Michelle home". "take me home"
[reward: respect +/ship jacket]

Mission 123: Were You Coming with Me When I Hit the Ground [Troupe of Assassins]
"doot doot doot doo walking around the railyard hope no one hits me with a train" Jakey walks around the railyard, his hands in his pockets, whistling badly. All of a sudden and right on cue, a troupe of assassin train conductors come in hot. "you know what the worst thing about trains is? they can't swerve to avoid obstacles" Jakey yanks a scenery-printed cloth off of a giant building erected in the centre of the railyard. The train smacks into the building, killing everyone on board. "wow didn't even put a dent in it" "what kind of two-bit operation do you think i'm running? of course there wasn't a dent" Candice pats the side of the building. "this thing is eternal" Michelle exits the building with her briefcase, tired out from such a long day at the office. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/train jacket]

Mission 124: Hey, Hey [Troupe of Assassins]
"doot doot doot doo walking around the subway hope no one gets my order wrong" Jakey walks around the Subway, his hands in his pockets, whistling badly. All of a sudden and right on cue, a troupe of assassin sandwich artists fire up their ovens. "okay so i want chicken and pepperoni" "coming right like up like sir!!!" Claire begins making Jakey a sandwich fit to his exacting specifications. The assassins attempt to put the wrong ingredients on the sandwich, but the ingredients go right through the ghostly bread and meats. While the assassins are distracted, Gwendolyn sneaks up from behind and drinks all of the assassins' blood, one by one, until none are left. "and like here you like go!!! one like perfect sandwich!!!" Claire hands Jakey the sub, and gives him a workplace-mandated smile and peace sign across her forehead. "you know, i like you better like this" "oh fuck like off gwendolyn" Michelle drops from the ceiling and begins eating sandwich meat straight from the counter. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Subway jacket]