The Best Thing Since Sliced Bread (2019)

Mission 025: Informed of Being Infirmed [Emelyn]
"yo emelyn what's with the flowers" "i'm going to visit my sister" "wait what why wasn't i told you had a sister" Jakey begins straightening out his appearance. "i don't like to talk about her; she is terminally ill" "that's the one where you're going to die right" "YES IT IS" "oh um sorry" "i am on my way to see my sister who, as you have so tactfully pointed out, is about to fucking DIE so i'd appreciate it if your tactless ass didn't follow me but i know you will anyway to cross 'held hands with a terminally ill girl and then kissed her on the face' off your stupid checklist" "oh great idea i hadn't thought of that let's go" Jakey hops onto his tricycle, and waits for Emelyn to hop into the basket. "come on" "can't you find some other terminally ill girl to exploit" "well i just thought that if she was YOUR sister, then she must be the most beautiful terminally ill girl ever" "..." "..." "you are the worst human being" "i'm planning to wine and dine a terminally ill girl and make her last months happier how is that a bad thing" "because she's on your damn checklist between 'necromancer' and 'some kind of hot bird woman'" "hey i have a strict 'no beak' rule thank you very much" "cool well bye" "hey wait at least tell me her name or i will be forced to rummage through all of your files and personal documents" Emelyn sighs. "victorrhea" "that's not how that name is spelled" "you know that and i know that but my parents didn't know that when they named her" "it's spelled like some kind of disease no wonder she's terminally ill your parents were just setting her up for failure" "..." "..." "you actually have a point" "of course i do" "goddamn those parents of mine; dooming my sister to a life of pestilence" "i think you can sue for that" "oh i plan to" Emelyn storms out of the building, and Michelle storms into the building in her place. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Victorrhea missions]

Mission 026: Give Me a Hand [Azalea]
"hey jakey there's something that's been bugging me for a while now" "what's that" "why do you always grab things with your right hand even when your left one is closer" "uh because i'm right-handed?" "what? you've clearly got a right AND a left" "uh yeah" "do you just not like your left hand or something?" "no it just doesn't work as well; most of the world is this way" "wait you're limited to only using one hand for certain tasks?" "well yeah" "you're pulling my leg right what's the point of even having two hands then" "well it's easier to hold large objects with two hands instead of the one" "i guess but it just seems silly that you haven't developed anything to help overcome your clear weakness" "not being able to write my name very well with my left hand hardly counts as a 'weakness'" "oh but it does; what if you had five seconds to write your name before the bomb explodes but you have to waste three of those switching the pen from your left hand to your right?!" "that is a highly specific situation which i do not think will ever come up in my lifetime" "you never know though!!!" "i can make an educated assumption" "well don't come crying to me when your home nation is blown up because of your lack of left hand dexterity" "oh no need to worry about that" A giant box slams down around Jakey, isolating him from Azalea. A bright light shines in his eyes, but he can faintly make out the outline of Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/left hand t-shirt]

Mission 027: Inspector Seat [Azalea]
"so then i says to amber you know what i says? i says-" Just as Jakey is about to tell Azalea all about what he says to Amber, the door of the apartment is politely kicked in. "TIME TRAVELLER INSPECTION" "shit" Azalea activates the stealth function on her bio-suit. "all right, my name is ruth barlow; i am from the inspection board" Ruth pokes at the air, and Azalea returns into everyone's field of view. "how did-" "ma'am i am a professional and have received extensive training; now show me your time machine" "um right this way" Azalea leads Ruth over to her time machine. "i notice you have taped a piece of construction paper to the dashboard with dials and gauges drawn on it" "no that's not it; the dashboard is aesthetically styled to look like construction paper with a crayon-drawn dashboard" Ruth rips the piece of construction paper off of the dashboard, revealing more dials and gauges underneath. "ma'am please deactivate the hologram" "what" "your dials and gauges are rippling" "oh they do that; it's a premium feature" Ruth pokes at Azalea again, deactivating the hologram, and finally revealing the real dials and gauges. "ma'am it says here you've racked up 200,000,000 time miles in 2016 alone" "i wanted to see the dinosaurs" Ruth opens up the hood and checks the oil. "when was the last time you changed this" "ch-changed it?! i thought it was just good to go forever" "also the wires on your battery are stripped bare and how hasn't this blown up yet?!" Ruth scribbles down a report and pulls out a stamper dipped in red ink. She stamps Azalea's biosuit with the word "FAILED", then hooks up the towtruck to Azalea's time machine, towing it to the impound. "well that went well" "did it? it looked like it went the opposite of well" "pfft" Azalea rips a tarp off of her true time machine, which appears to be in pristine shape. "why didn't you just show her that time machine instead" "a mere inspector wouldn't understand its sublime beauty; this time machine only deserves to be touched by those who truly know its charms" Michelle lifts the hood of Azalea's time machine and her eyes widen at the beauty of its circuitry. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Amber missions]

Mission 028: The Jig is Up [Azalea]
"jakey did you go squealing about my secret time machine" "what no i would never" "then HOW did word of it reach this primitive paper-based news medium?!" Azalea shoves a newspaper into Jakey's hands, with the top story disclosing Azalea's secret time machine. "now that inspector is going to come back and inspect this one and hit me with a fine" "well why don't we just go back in time to find whoever was spying on us and distract her" "her?" "it's a safe bet" Jakey and Azalea hop into Jakey's non-secret time machine and head back to the day prior, just outside the window. "oh man oh man a time traveller failing inspection?! scandalous" "hey violet what are you working on" "oh hi jakey; i'm pretty sure you know because you've come to stop me" "would i do that?" "well i can't think of any other reason why you'd be in there and out here at the same time" "oh damn" "hey miss please hear me out; if that information gets out it will damage my reputation etc. etc." "well that's the whole point!!! the people deserve to know exactly who they're fans of and what they get up to; skeletons in the closet only exist to be unearthed!!!" As Violet states her mission statement, the past version of Azalea re-covers the secret time machine, preventing Violet from ever seeing it. "oh well i can't argue with that logic" "exactly" Azalea kicks Violet's trash can down the hill. "oh man and an assault?! what a scoop!!!" "mission accomplished" "isn't this going to damage your reputation though" "pfft it's only going to increase my 'bad girl' image" "that is not the image i get of you" "of course not; you get to see me when i'm not 'on'" "do people even know or care who you are?!" "probably not" Michelle backs up a garbage truck to the side of the building, but can't find Violet's trash can anywhere. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/news publication t-shirt]

Mission 029: Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge [Ruth]
"jakey can you have a word with that king bran guy" "what did he do this time" "well i want to get my revenge on that damn inspectour for stealing all the good inspections but murder is illegal!!! i went to king bran to see if he could change that bogus law but he downright refuses!!!" "well making murder legal does open up a lot of new problems" "i'm not asking for ALL murder to be legal, just completely justified revenge murder" "wait, revenge murder is illegal?!" "i know right" "i guess i never noticed because of my diplomatic immunity" "hey can i borrow that for like one hour or so" "no way man who knows what kind of weird alabamanian laws i'm breaking as we speak" "could you like kill him for me then" "i'm not an assassin" Jakey pauses for a moment. "OH but i do know one" Jakey fishes around in his pockets until he finds his business card holder. "let's see here; shiver-timberer, breast expert, sheriff, freelance paparazzo, dum dum dum here it is" Jakey hands Ruth Sophia's business card. "oh man buy one assassination get another half price?! man who else do i want to kill" "make sure to think long and hard about it; you don't want to have her kill some pedestrian randomly just because it's a good deal" "yeah that does seem like kind of a waste" Michelle rolls up on her tricycle and hands Ruth and Jakey each a copy of her business card. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Michelle's business card/Sophia missions]

Mission 030: Ahead of the Game [Resistance Leadour]
"okay what is this setup you've got going here" "well i took your advice and putted around the nuclear power plant a bit but then i had an idea!!! what if i ALSO AT THE SAME TIME resisted decapitation!!!" "that is a marked step up from becoming bow-legged on a horse" "i know right so check it out this is the start line, and from it, i will spur my horse hard at that length of piano wire strung between those two trees, and then what happens next will be history" "is that really piano wire" "test it for yourself if you don't believe me" Jakey walks over to the two trees, and jerks his right wrist hard into the piano wire, severing his hand. It grows back almost instantly. "what if you die though" "then i deserve my fate for my incompetence" Jakey buries his face in his hands. "all right let's get this shit started!!!" Resistance Leadour spurs her horse hard, and powers straight into the piano wire. The wire goes above the horse's head, but slams right into Resistance Leadour's neck. Her neck refuses to go without a fight, however, and resists the severing power of her momentum, snapping the wire. Jakey's severed hand is kicked up by the horse, smacking Michelle across the left breast. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/severed hand appears at safehouses]

Mission 031: Transplant [Resistance Leadour]
"oh jesus what are you doing now" "oh hey jakey you know how us O-type blood uh people can't accept A- or B-type blood" "yeah" "well my plan is to RESIST my body's rejection of the blood!!!" "is it just me or do your resistance ideas get more and more off the wall as the years go on" "oh pfft!!! none of my plans can be on the wall because i am constantly resisting said wall!!! think about the practical applications!!! if i can document my process, i can break down the barrier of blood types!!! no longer will people be turned away because the hospital is out of O-type blood!!! lives will be saved!!!" "what process? all you do is lie there and think really hard about how your cells should obey your conscious thought and normal people can't do that" "they just need to practice more!!! it is never a matter of 'cannot'!!! it is always a matter of 'care not'!!! if everyone was more like me, the world would be a better place!!!" "not really; you'd all just be resisting getting a real job and nothing would get done" "nothing would NEED to get done!!! we'd all resist hunger and disease and boredom and everything else that necessitates these 'jorb' things you're talking about!!! our society of resistance would be able to tackle the real problems!!!" "such as?" "don't laugh, but i've always wanted to resist the vaccuum of space and how it makes you explode" "that's honestly pretty reasonable; i thought you'd say something silly like you want to resist a couple's love at the wedding so they don't go through with it" "..." "..." "i'm tempted" "that's really cruel though" "well think of it this way: if it's easy to resist their love, it wasn't very strong to begin with and i'm just saving them the trouble of a messy divorce" "that makes sense" "besides, everyone knows that TRUE love CAN'T be resisted" "really?" "well i assume that's the case" "..." "..." "all you had to do was say 'totally' and i would have believed you" "i've been working really hard to resist dishonesty all month now and i didn't want to break my streak" Just then, the door to the operating room is kicked in, and Doctor Vladimir shows up with a giant needle, which he shoves into Resistance Leadour's arm without so much as a warning. "whoop sorry jakey can't talk now this is the big one" Resistance Leadour lies on the hospital bed, stonefaced, resisting the A cells that have been pumped into her veins, ready to wreak havok on a circular system not used to such cells. Doctor Vladimir then takes off his mask, revealing Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/O+ t-shirt]

Mission 032: Feed it to the Babies [Resistance Leadour]
"hey jakey you're just in time!!! i just got done cooking up a batch of my signature dish!!!" "oh man i love your signature dish; i've never tasted anything like it" "and you never will thanks to the 'FDA'" "damn them" Jakey and Resistance Leadour sit down to enjoy dinner and a nice conversation. "so then i says to rachel you know what i says? i says-" Just as Jakey is about to tell Resistance Leadour all about what he says to Rachel, the door to the shack is politely kicked in. "DINNER INSPECTION" "oh hey ins-wait who are you" "all right, my name is ruth barlow; i am from the inspection board" "this must be some sort of mistake; i always get inspected by inspectour" "he was out sick today so i was assigned instead" "no no no fuck fuck no no" Resistance Leadour cannot resist being shaken by the turn of events. "ressie what did i just eat that is making YOU of all people so nervous" Resistance Leadour shakes on the spot as Ruth sticks a metallic device into the food. "..." "..." "ma'am, is this reading accurate" "no comment" "did you just serve this man - this PRINCE OF CANADA as he tells it - ASBESTOS?!" "WHAT" "IT HAS GREAT FLAVOUR!!!" "IT'S HIGHLY TOXIC TO HUMANS" "oh pfft he's eaten it a hundred times; he's built up a tolerance" Resistance Leadour motions to Jakey, who is still eating the meal she had prepared. "why are you still eating it?!" "it's so delicious" "that's right; i put asbestos on all of my foods and mix it into all of my drinks" "where do you even get asbestos any more?!" "from my uncle, asbestos sellour; i am his best customer" "YOU'RE HIS ONLY CUSTOMER" "that does not affect the validity of my statement" Ruth slaps her forehead. "i'm going to have to write this up, and recommend inspectour for an inspection looking for nepotism and corruption" "please if you'll only try the dish-" "i will do no such thing!!! i probably have eight forms of cancer from just being in the same room a-" Resistance Leadour shoves a spoonful of the dish into Ruth's mouth. "oh wow this is good" "i know right" "well if i'm gonna die anyway" Ruth sits down at the table to share in the meal, and Jakey makes sure she chases it down with a tall glass of his own blood, to make sure she doesn't die of cancer. Michelle leans back, full from the meal, and wipes her mouth with Ruth's inspection form. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/asbestos t-shirt/Rachel missions/Ruth missions]

Mission 033: Pop Goes the Blood Vessel [Julia]
Jakey walks up to the park, and sees an unfamiliar girl standing on the sidewalk, staring at Julia's cabin. "um hello miss what are you doing staring at julia's cabin" "oh you know miss julia?! i love her guitar playing!!! it is so amazing!!!" "i am definitely amazed when i hear her songs" "hey i am a famous singer in my home country of japan could you introduce me to miss julia" "um sure" Jakey walks over to Julia's cabin and knocks on the door. "oh hey jakey taking advantage of that 'knocking on my cabin door' permit i see" "yes; gotta get all the use of it i can before it expires next month" "and who's this" "hi miss julia my name is addiena i am a big fan!!!" "oh cool" "addiena here is supposedly a famous music person as well if you take her word for it" "oh really" "yes i am!!! i have sold a lot of digital downloads!!!" "people actually pay for digital music files?" "i thought those ads for paid music download services were just a joke" "hey hey listen!!! miss julia!!! we should collaborate on a song!!! it would be so cool!!!" "uh what kind of music do you do" "glossy pop music!!!" Julia jerks forward slightly. "sorry i just threw up in my mouth a bit" "what" "i only play hardcore music for hardcore folks" "glossy pop is totally hardcore" Julia jerks forward again. "sorry i just threw up in my mouth again" "i'll show you; i'll show you all!!!" Addiena stomps away, only turning back to give Julia the middle finger. "that escalated quickly" "man i hope she doesn't come back at some point in the future after we've forgotten about her so she can cause trouble" "no way; she's just a one-off joke character; her only real chance to reappear is in a spin-off title" "dear god i hope so" Michelle walks up to the side of Julia's log cabin and pastes on a poster advertising the fighting game spin-off. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/fighting game spin-off t-shirt]

Mission 034: School Daze [Brooke]
"yo brooke what's up" "oh hey jakey i was just poring over my school yearbooks; such memories" "oh what were you like back then" "when i was a little girl, i had a HUGE crush on jesus" "oh that sounds pretty normal" "i don't know all the other girls were into movie stars and laughed at me when i said i wanted to kiss jesus on the face" "they were probably just jealous that your answer was so much better than theirs" "really?!" "yeah i mean jesus is the ideal man, objectively" "hmm i think you're right; the other girls did seem really jealous of all of my jesus merchandise and collectibles" "wait weren't your parents jewish" "yeah i mean i didn't keep them at my HOUSE; i kept them at the store where they sold them" "then were they really yours?" "the store owner told me that i could come by and look at them at any time so yeah i'd say they were mine as much as anyone else's" "what was your favourite jesus collectible" Brooke pulls out an old plush doll. "this is my jesus plushie; when i ran away from home, the first thing i did was go and buy him; he got me through a lot of tough times" "i didn't know they made such a thing" "i say they should make more; the world would be a better place if everyone had a jesus plushie to confide in and give a big hug to when they're feeling sad or lonely" "true" "yes, this plushie prevented me from shooting up that school" "wait what" "well i found a discarded AR-15 on the sidewalk and i was thinking maybe i should shoot up the school for that one time they told me i was uncool and my haircut was ugly, but then i asked my jesus plushie what he would do and he told me to turn the other cheek and save my ammunition for the real enemy" "the real enemy?" "yeah he was pretty vague but i've narrowed it down to space aliens, demons, space demons, or romans" "probably romans; i will never forgive them for what they did" "nor will i" Michelle stumbles into the room, blinded by staring at the sun for too long. She touches the hem of the Jesus plushie's robe, and her sight is instantly restored. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jesus plushie t-shirt]

Mission 035: Cracking the Code [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey just in time; we've got reports of a code chartreuse over on onion street" "A CODE CHARTREUSE?!" "i was surprised as well; there has not been a code chartreuse since twenty aught nine" "we have no time to lose" Jakey hops into Sheriff Antony's squad car, and they ride off to the Burger King on Onion Street. "hello we'd like the box of ten burger shots please, plain" "coming right up" Soon, Jakey and Sheriff Antony sit down at a table with their box of ten burger shots. "man these are great" "yes, two regular burgers leaves me still hungry but three is too much" "but five half-burgers is the perfect amount" "if my body didn't want me to eat this much, it would stop being hungry" "'obesity' is just another word for 'happiness'" "true that" Jakey and Sheriff Antony tink their burger shots together in celebration as Michelle finishes her fifth burger shot. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Burger King t-shirt]

Mission 036: A Dish Best Served Lukewarm [Deputy Orange]
"JAKEY YOUR AMBASSADOR TO THE UNITED STATES HAS BEEN MURDERED" "WHAT WHY" "um" Deputy Orange flips through the pages in his notebook. "oh my mistake, that's someone else; natalie just wants to see you when you've got the time" "oh that makes more sense" "i should um probably stop the nationwide manhunt for the killer" "good idea" "so you want to go get lunch?" "oh yeah i've heard great things about the new mcdonald's menu item" "oh me too; everyone is raving about the new mcdonald's menu item" "i can't wait to try the new mcdonald's menu item" "neither can i re:the new mcdonald's menu item" Michelle walks up to Jakey and Deputy Orange, holding three of the new McDonald's menu item, which they all proceed to eat and enjoy. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/McDonald's t-shirt/Natalie missions]

Mission 037: Dreaming to Live [Piper]
"jakey i have just recently discovered that you can broadcast video footage of yourself over the internet!!!" "yes, technology is incredible" "so i saw this weird goth chick playing some kind of 'videogame' over the internet with her breasts hanging right out and i got to thinking: i could do that" "yes, technology is incredible" "but what if instead of playing a game about medieval people walking around in jello, i play a game ABOUT BREASTS" "yes, technology is incredible" "so i found this game where busty girls compete on a beach to be the bustiest but um i have no what to do and how to set this up" "have you tried contacting the goth weirdo" "yes but she's ignoring me" "well let's look through and see if there are any other titty streamers around" Jakey scrolls through the catalogue, and finds that not only the goth weirdo, but also Kathy and even Michelle are streaming with their breasts hanging out. "is that your sister?" "i believe so" Piper clicks on Michelle's stream, as Michelle looks straight into Jakey's eyes through her camera. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/i heart titty streamers t-shirt/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 038: Climb That Mountain [Piper]
"yo piper have you started titty streaming yet" "no i figured that if i did it, it would simply be unfair to the other girls so i have taken on a titty apprentice" "you're giving away all of your booby secrets?!" "i tried to give them to my daughter but they didn't take so i must try again; the boobs cannot die with me!!!" "so who is it" "well i noticed that the goth weirdo is more popular than the jew or the princess, so i found an actual real life ghost" "sup" Claire phases through the wall. "how do you plan to apply any of those salves and creams on the table if she's incorporeal" "don't worry i have special ghost-handling gloves that i found in an ancient tomb a few years back" Piper puts on her gloves with a satisfying snap, and begins to dig into two different creams and mix them thoroughly. "just be sure never to mix THESE TWO" "why what happens" "creates mustard gas" "but what if i'm trying to eat a hot dog" "it's nowhere near as good as liquid mustard trust me" "all right i guess" Piper begins to rub the salve all over Claire's bosom. "so what is this salve supposed to do" "make them softer and more pliable" "what does that accomplish" "makes it easier to fit into tight spaces" "oh man where can i buy some of that; i need it to give as a hanukkah present" "just take a sample from me on the house" Piper hands Jakey a bottle each of Piper's Bosom Buddy and Piper's Titty Ointment. "you just put the word 'titty' right on there huh" "well yeah; no other word encapsulates largeness of bosom like 'titty', except maybe 'hooter' but that would invite legal troubles you know" "right right well thanks for everything" Jakey walks out of the room and pulls out his phone, ready to tell Grace the exciting news, but accidentally calls Michelle instead. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Claire Who is a Ghost missions/Special Agent Grace missions]

Mission 039: A Dream is a Wish Your Heart Makes [Piper]
"jakey bad news" "that's my least favourite kind of news" "the make-a-wish foundation is furious that terminally ill children want to receive implants from my charity so they've taken drastic measures" "well they can't do anything unless someone makes a wish can they" "well this one terminally ill boy really wanted to hunt down and kill someone and they said he could kill me" "oh what horrible timing from your perspective" "yeah so i had this idea you see; you and me board trains and planes around the continent, shuttling around while being stalked by this boy, until his disease finally takes him right as he corners us" "couldn't i just like shoot him" "what?! no he's just a boy!!!" "okay fine" Jakey and Piper board a train departing from Mojavistan, and see the back of the boy's head in the crowd. "oh shit" "we should hide" Jakey and Piper crawl into the cargo car and hide among the luggage. "man this is tense" "you know what would relieve this tension?! some music!!!" Piper grabs a nearby accordion and begins to play as the train takes off. The boy hears this from the station platform, and attempts to leap onto the moving train. He fails, and splatters underneath it. "well that takes care of that" "least threatening assassin i've ever faced" "i think his weapon was a butterknife" "his parents probably wouldn't let him into the rest of the knives" "poor kid" Michelle climbs out of a suitcase, holding a fresh 40, and pours it out for the boy. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/accordion t-shirt]

Mission 040: Smile for the Camera [Violet]
Jakey takes the final swig of his can of Mountain Dew, then hucks the empty can into the nearest trash can. "OW" "um sorry didn't see you there" "no no this is good timing; i need your help" "whose privacy are we violating today" "you see this guy crazy svart?" "i think he goes by 'svart of darkness' now" "yeah that's just it; that's weird as fuck and i want to get to the bottom of it" "it's not that complicated; he was revived by an evil demoness then fell in love with her and is constantly trying to impress her" "oh i was hoping it was because of ghosts" "ghosts don't photograph well; it's probably better for you that it's a demoness" "yeah well i need you to enter the store here and buy one of his new evil versions of a product" "last time i did that i got decapitated" "you look perfectly fine to me though" "well i'm fine NOW but it hurt a lot when it happened" "okay listen if you do this for me i will give you this half of a subway sandwich someone threw in here" "what toppings" "it's uh just bread and chicken" "DEAL" Jakey runs over to Svart of Darkness's Used Evil Toasters. "hello s.o.d. how are you doing" "i'm doing very well; are you in the market for a used evil toaster" "what makes it evil" "everything you put in there, regardless of how long you leave it in, ends up burnt" "oh god" "they are also known to contain e coli; fun for the whole family" "excuse me" Jakey begins to sprint away from the store, but runs straight into Violet's trash can, sending them both tumbling down the hill. "um sorry didn't see you there" "so how did not buying that toaster go" "well uh" "don't worry i saw you throw up in your mouth a bit as s.o.d. was talking so i imagine he spilled the beans; now tell me about said beans" "well they're specially made so they will always with 100% certainty burn whatever is put inside them" "how despicable; i will publish this story and put him out of business" "i wouldn't do that if i were you" "you also wouldn't hide in trash cans if you were me so" Michelle walks out of Svart of Darkness's Used Evil Toasters with her brand new evil toaster, toasting up some breakfast. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Svart of Darkness missions]

Mission 041: Taking Potshots [Violet]
Jakey takes the final swig of his can of Mountain Dew, then hucks the empty can into the nearest trash can. "BREAKING NEWS: LOCAL PAPARAZZO FLAWLESSLY DODGES INCOMING BALLISTIC ALUMINUM PROJECTILE" "oh sorry didn't think you'd choose the same spot twice" "no no this is good; i wanted to tell you that my story hit the newspapers and i am just about to crack open a fresh paper to read my brilliant article" "oh okay" "let's see 'svart of darkness's used evil toasters it the best spot to buy a toaster' wait what i didn't write that; i wrote the opposite of that" "yeah but i made sure to change it for you" Violet and Jakey look over their shoulders to see Jezzie standing right behind them. "GAH" Violet's trash can tips over as she leaps in fright, and she begins to roll down the hill. She soon rolls back up, however, due to Jezzie's demon magic. "that's never happened before also who are you" "oh my name is unimportant; what is important is that you cease and desist immediately" "firstly: rude; secondly: paparazzo is a valuable community service; people deserve to know EVERYTHING about the people they look up to/consume product from, so i am a force for GOOD" "yeah, that's the problem; we're trying to run an evil business here and we can't have do-gooders like you around" "you know, the people being photographed probably don't feel like the paparazzo are the good guys" "neither do the burglars being arrested" "yeah jakey seriously think before you speak" "anyway where were we" "you were about to tell me that you'll stop paparazzoing around here" "no i was about to tell you to fuck off and go jump in a lake" "now who's being rude?" "you, for putting words in my mouth" "i was just trying to help you find the correct answer to the problem posed to you like a good samartarian" "that's rich; especially from-" Violet's statement is cut short by a loud rumbling of footsteps and heavy breathing. Suddenly, Unimportant rushes up to Jezzie and gives her a big hug. "i thought i was the only one" "the only what" "the only one whose name is unimportant" "..." "..." "OH you're that girl who got the frowny stack" "uh yeah how did you know" "well, it was my design" "your WHAT" Unimportant detaches herself from Jezzie, and momentarily stunned by her statement before being consumed by blind rage. "DEMON; I WILL SLAY YOU FOR YOUR TRANSGRESSIONS" "oh really? i was under the impression that you'd take a swing at me and i wouldn't even feel it" Not hearing Jezzie's prediction, Unimportant takes a swing at Jezzie's face, but does no damage at all. Jezzie trips Unimportant, sending her tumbling into Violet's trash can, and rolling down the hill as a pair. "i'll come back later" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and disappears in a puff of smoke, Michelle appearing in her place. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions/Unimportant missions]

Mission 042: Terminal Velocity [Victorrhea]
"knock knock" "who are you" "i'm the prince of canada; i am here to offer my wishes of support in this trying time" "uh thanks" "so is there anything you'd like to do? i've got unlimited funds and diplomatic immunity" "well i'd like to go to the mall at least once before i die" "you've never been to the mall?! is that even possible for a girl?!" "my sister can't take me because she barely even has time to visit once in a blue moon" "well let's roll" Jakey and Victorrhea hop into The Motherfucker and head for the mall. "wow it's so big" "yeah what store do you want to go to" "store?!" "yeah the mall is a collection of stores" "oh really? then what's the big deal" "um there are exclusive stores that generally only show up in malls" "oh that's uh kind of disappointing" "huh?" "well with how every girl on tv wants to hang out here constantly i imagined it was some kind of amusement park or something" "uh they have those rides that you pay a quarter to tilt back and forth on" "man they have those right outside the hospital" "true true" "well i'm disappointed" Michelle runs out of a shop in the mall, carrying twenty full bags. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/mall t-shirt]

Mission 043: Two Scoops [Victorrhea]
"jakey thank you for coming i need help with a problem" "i'm not a nurse" "no no listen; i am being stalked by some kind of trash can creature" "what" "a trash can keeps following me around and i see bright flashes coming from it every so often" "most people just kick those down hills" "well firstly, we're in a valley, and secondly, if i get garbage on me, my poor immune system could finally give out and i'd die and i don't think anyone wants that" "okay okay i'll figure something out" "thanks" Jakey walks out to the hallway, and lifts the garbage can to take it to the dumpster. "hey psst jakey stop it's me" "oh hey what are you doing here" "i'm getting the scoop on emelyn's dying sister; the tabloids will pay me tens of dollars for this scoop!!!" "i think you'd be lucky to get ones of dollars for it" "oh come on; this kind of scoop only comes around once in a week!!! and coincidentally that's how long the gap between newspaper printings is!!!" "well the real problem is that victorrhea's disease makes it so she's weak to flashing lights; too many bright flashes may kill her and then you'd be a murderer" "oh man what a scoop THAT would be" "yeah but then you'd be in jail and unable to get any more scoops until your parole" "are you kidding?! the jail would be full of scoops!!! what with all the shankings and such" "but what if you're on the receiving end of one of those shankings" "a paparazzo's best asset is first-hand experience!!!" "you can't paparazzo your own damn self" "watch me" Violet flips her camera around and takes a picture of herself, the flash going off right in her face. "AH FUCK GODDAMN THAT IS BRIGHT" Violet falls down, and rolls out of the hospital in her trash can. Michelle exits a nearby room with an IV drip. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/camera t-shirt/Violet missions/Emelyn missions]

Mission 044: Sunday, Sunday, Sunday [Victorrhea]
"so then i says to valerie you know what i says? i says-" Just as Jakey is about to tell Victorrhea all about what he says to Valerie, the door of the hospital room is politely kicked in. "TERMINAL ILLNESS INSPECTION" Victorrhea buries her face in her hands. "all right, my name is ruth barlow; i am from the inspection board" "i just got an inspection last week" "well the board needs to check back at random points to make sure you're not committing medical fraud" "if it's the same questions as last time, no i am not partaking in sport and i have never been to a monster truck rally" "wait what" "fine fine let me just check your vitals" "you've NEVER been to a monster truck rally?!" "totally not" "sir please do not interrupt the inspection" Ruth depresses Victorrhea's tongue, and listens to her heart and lungs with a stethoscope. "okay one of us will be back at an indeterminate point in the future to check up on you" "so what's this i hear about you NEVER going to a monster truck rally?!" Victorrhea waits until Ruth is out of earshot. "of course i've been to a monster truck rally what kind of human being hasn't" "oh phew i was worried for a second" "i'm not technically allowed to go though so i have to keep it secret" "that's horrible" "yeah well" Victorrhea reaches under the bed and dons a monster truck cap and foam finger. Jakey glances out the window to see Violet in her trash can, a single tear streaming down her face. She could never report this, as no human being deserves to go through life without ever having been to a monster truck rally. Michelle enters the room wearing the same hat and foam finger as Victorrhea. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/monster trucks t-shirt/Valerie missions]

Mission 045: A Feather in Your Cap [Amber]
"jakey you've got to help me" "um okay" Jakey grabs the pickle jar on the counter and twists the top open. "um thanks but that's not what i was referring to" "oh" "so recently i signed myself up for an amateur adult wrestling league in the featherweight division - i thought getting a whack on the head or two was worth the pun - but then i realised that my beautiful wings aren't my only similarity to a bird; my bones are hollow as well!!! they will snap like twigs!!!" "well why don't you just talk to the promoter and get out of it" "my match is in five minutes there's not enough time to schedule another female wrestler to go against the ejector" "the ejector?" "she ejects people from this life into the next!!! i can't die yet i am too young!!!" "okay okay okay i'll find a woman who is suitably rough and tough" "oh anyone will do; just not me" "noted" Jakey scrolls through his phone's contact list. "i'd better not try to be funny here; there is risk of actual bodily harm" Jakey calls up Olivia. "yellow" "olivia i need you to come and substitute in for amber in a wrestling match" "oh man i am so down" "great it's in the featherweight class" "uh no can do" "what why" "orcish bones are as thick and heavy as steel; i may look petite but i weigh like 450 pounds" "oh um sorry to bother you" "no worries" Jakey tries again, this time dialing Candice's number. "hey candice do you like wrestling" "yeah i actually have a match in a few minutes; they call me 'the ejector'" "uh i'll be sure to watch it" "good; i will pound 'the winged wonder' to dust!!!" "i'm sure you would" Jakey tries once again, this time dialing Parallel Universe Candice's number. "hey candice do you like wrestling" "not particularly" "oh well uh do you like saving poor brittle pixingtons from being snapped in two" "uh where do you need me" "the burgundy memorial arena" "what a coincidence i was here already to buy a hot dog" Parallel Universe Candice walks into the locker room and dons Amber's gear. "you know, i was honestly expecting michelle to be 'the ejector'" "me too actually" All of a sudden, Michelle enters the ring clad in black and white stripes. "LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BEAR WITNESS TO THE LONG-AWAITED DAY WHEN JAKEY TAKES ME HOME"
[reward: respect +/Olivia missions/Candice missions/Parallel Universe Candice missions]

Mission 046: Bloodlust [Amber]
"hey jakey good work finding that parallel candice woman; she does great work" "i thought she didn't like wrestling" "well apparently the bloodlust took over and she won the entire featherweight championship and got me this sick trophy" "oh nice" "i have no clue what it's made of though" "it appears to be made of amber" "WHAT" "huh?" "i knew i shouldn't have trusted that stylist!!! she must have been saving my hair trimmings for years to make this monstrosity!!!" "um no it's not made of YOU it's made of uh" Jakey pulls out his phone to Google what he needs to know. "fossilised tree resin" "jakey do i look like a tree to you" Jakey slaps his face, then holds his phone up so Amber can see. "that's just what fossilised tree resin is called" "man i should sue" "uh you do that" "so anyway after getting the trophy candice retired because she realised she was a bit too bloodthirsty; her last three opponents are all in comas" "it's only been like an hour" "she was unbeatable; everyone came to have a piece" "I HAVE COME TO CHALLENGE THE CHAMPION" Michelle stomps up in her wrestling outfit. "uh candice retired" "oh" Michelle's face begins to redden. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Champion Candice t-shirt]

Mission 047: A Single Shot [Sophia]
"hey jakey you're just in time" "for what" "i am lining up my shot on that inspectour guy ruth wanted me to assassinate" "oh right that" "oh before i forget hand me your punch card" Jakey hands over his punch card, and Sophia shoots it with her sidearm. "two more referrals and you get a free assassination!!!" "can't wait" "so anyway everything's all lined up and it's time to take the shot" Sophia squeezes the trigger of Mr. Shooty, sending a bullet careening toward Inspectour. "BULLET INSPECTION" The bullet stops dead in its tracks, and Inspectour steps to the side. "all right, my name is inspectour; i am from the inspection board" "what the FUCK is he doing" "line up another shot quick" "hmm yes this is a fine bullet" Inspectour stamps a big "PASSED" stamp on the bullet, and it continues on its journey. Since Inspectour moved his position, though, its journey ends inside a wall. Sophia fires another shot, dead aim at Inspectour. "BULLET INSPECTION" "GODDAMN THIS GUY" "try firing two in quick succession" "jakey mr. shooty is a single-shot rifle i can't just fire two shots in a row" "well you're stuck then; i know better than to suggest you get a different rifle" "damn right you do" "maybe you could ask your demonic benefactor to magically make mr. shooty into an automatic" "no way; no one is going to change what makes him my mr. shooty; he is my friend and i will not treat him line an object" "well good luck completing your contract then" "ASSASSIN INSPECTION" "GAH" Sophia leaps high into the air, startled, as Michelle appears with a clipboard. "all right, my name is michelle; i am going to be taken home"
[reward: respect +/bullet inspection t-shirt]

Mission 048: A Double Dose [Sophia]
"sophia what are you doing" "well i looked it up on jezzie-net and apparently there are more ways than just shooting to kill people" "i imagine it would be even harder to stab him" "no no i'm going to poison his food" "oh that sounds mean" "desperate times call for desperate measures now wait here while i sneak into the kitchen and inject this poison into his food" Sophia does just as she says, and returns just as Inspectour gets his meal. "here you go sir" "thank you" "oh this is it" "FOOD INSPECTION" "WHAT" "all right, my name is inspectour; i am from the inspection board" "how did i not see this coming" "hmmm waiter this food is poisoned take it back and get me a fresh one" Inspectour stamps the "FAILED" stamp onto his hamburger. "do you have a plan C" "um no i spent all my money on the poison" "all of it?!" "that shit is expensive" "well now the waiter is flushing it down the toilet" "HEY WAIT NO I CAN USE THAT ON SOMEONE ELSE" Sophia rushes off to retrieve her poisoned hamburger. Michelle walks up, eating her own, non-poisoned hamburger. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/hamburger t-shirt]

Mission 049: A Triple Terror [Sophia]
"jakey i've got it this time" "oh boy" "i plan to spook him to death" "how exactly do you plan to do that" "observe" Sophia ducks down behind the counter, and reappears wearing a sheet. "OoOoOoOoOoOoO i Am A gHoSt" "oh yeah that is pretty spooky" "you don't seem very spooked to me" "i'm desensitised" "oh oh here he comes get down" Inspectour walks into the old abandonned building. "BUILDING INSPEC-" "OoOoOoOoOoOoOo I aM a SpOoKy GhOsT cOwEr In FeAr BeFoRe Me OoOoOoOoOo" "GAH" Inspectour's heart leaps up into his throat, and stops beating. "HEART INSPECTION" Inspectour falls to the ground, clutching his chest. "all right, my name is inspectour; i am from the inspection board; please start beating again or you'll fail the inspection" Inspectour pounds on his chest with all of his waning strength, but fails to jumpstart his heart before he falls to the ground, dead. "ALL RIGHT I DID IT" Sophia leaps out from behind the counter, giving the peace sign of victory. "they said it couldn't be done!!! but i never doubted myself!!! (okay maybe just a little but perspective is good you know)" Sophia grabs Mr. Shooty off the counter, and skips out of the building, happier than she's ever been. All of a sudden, Michelle pops out in front of Jakey, wearing a sheet. "OoOoOoOoOoOoOo I aM tHe GhOsT oF mIcHeLlE sOoOoOoOoOoOoOoThE mY rEsTlEsS sPiRiT bY tAkInG mE hOoOoOoOoOoOoOmE"
[reward: respect +/sheet ghost t-shirt]