A Thing of the Past: Industrial Revolution (1813)

Mission 001: A New Beginning [King Bran]
"okay jakey my dog my uh fellow ruler of a nation; our sheriff has disappeared mysteriously so i am tasked with giving you THIS" "oh is it the latest in industrial revolution-era technological advancement" "no this is a classic magical artefact straight from the pages of history" King Bran plops a burlap sack on the table. "within this burlap sack lies THE DIAMONDS; the ultimate source of power for any jakey who wants to be a hero; diamonds themselves being the ultimate form of coal" "sign me up captain" Jakey grabs the burlap sack and pours The Diamonds down his throat. "what about that diamond over there" "this? this is the yearning diamond; the largest diamond in the world" "is it uh-" "it's mine fuck off" Michelle enters the room with a smoggy mountain cake. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Diamonds]

Mission 002: The Culture of Industry [King Bran]
"hey jakey check it out, i've had smokestacks fitted to the castle" "what's the smoke from?" "oh, we're just burning coal for the aesthetic; belching that beautiful smog into the sky, signalling to the world that we are progress incarnate" "it's certainly a statement" "thanks, the most brilliant minds in all of alabama got together to discuss how best to become a symbol of progress" "nice" "also also: check it out" King Bran sits on his throne, and two smokestacks on its side begin belching smoke. "oh wow how are you doing that" "inside are pixington workers who shovel coal into the furnace whenever i'm sitting on the throne" "god bless those pixingtons; allowing even our seating to be powered by beautiful coal" King Bran stands up, and the whistle blows, signalling two pixingtons to exit the throne. "great job out there today amber, mary" King Bran taps the two pixingtons on the ass with his index finger. "thanks boss" The pixingtons punch out, and Michelle punches in. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Amber missions]

Mission 003: A Coal Lot of Problems [King Bran]
"yo k.b. it's a bit of sty in here" "now that you mention it, i haven't seen my maid, emelyn, anywhere either" King Bran presses a button, which rings a coal-powered bell. No one comes. "where is that woman" King Bran gets off of his throne and looks around, finally spotting Emelyn on the floor next to her coal-powered vacuum. "hell of a time for a nap, lazybones" King Bran gives Emelyn's body a small kick. "i think she's dead" "PAH what even is there to die of?! she was just cleaning!!!" Just then, a loud crash is heard and a wight appears next to Emelyn's body. "I DIED FROM INHALING ALL THOSE COAL FUMES DUMBASS" "what?! no way jose, coal is the safest thing in the world; it's a miracle of the universe" "IT'S CALLED BLACKLUNG DIPSHIT" "it's probably a pre-existing condition; nothing to do with precious, beautiful coal" King Bran pulls out a lump of coal and gives it a big kiss. "i know i'm supposed to be a spirit of vengeance and all, but i don't even have to bother, what with the way he's living" Michelle walks up and takes a big whiff of the beautiful coal fumes. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Emelyn missions]

Mission 004: The Next in Line [King Bran]
"so did you ever end up finding a replacement maid" "oh yeah; women are always lining up to work for me" "cool; who'd you get" "well, emelyn was done in by her weak lungs, so i went for someone i know must have very strong lungs" "an orc?" King Bran touches his finger to his nose. "got it in one" King Bran presses a button, which rings a coal-powered bell. A petit orc woman zips into the room. "jakey, octavia, and vice-versa" "hello mr prince of canada" "hello miss" "octavia show him what you did at the audition" "oh yeah right" Octavia pulls out an uninflated balloon, and puts it to her lips. She blows into the end, and the balloon fills up and pops in less than a second. "impressive" "i know; i had her do it like five times" "got any other tricks?" "well i-" "NO MORE COAL!!! NO MORE COAL!!!" "who the fuck dares to insult coal at MY doorstep?!" King Bran stomps up to the front gate, where a gaggle of regular elves are protesting the use of coal by the nation of Alabama. "GET LOST, FREAKS" "WE WILL DO NO SUCH THING UNTIL YOU STOP USING COAL!!!" "octavia, ready the coal-powered flamethrowers" "right away, sir!!!" As Octavia pushes the flamethrowers into position, a coal-powered steamroller approaches the regular elf protest. "OH NO!!!" The regular elves scatter, aside from the ones that are flattened. "oh? and who do i have to thank for not being forced to use my precious coal to fend off those idiots?" "hello, my name is molly darkroot, and this is my cousin, sabrina sable" "hi" "hi" "we're here to make sure everyone knows that those dumbass regular elves don't speak for all elvenkind; we dark elves love coal" "hey, you darkies are all right; you're welcome in alabama anytime" "thank you, your lordliness" The dark elves bow, and hop back into their steamroller. "nice guys" "i'm glad they set the record straight with their deeds rather than just saying 'not all elves are like that' then doing nothing themselves" "indeed" The flamethrower goes off, and at the flame's end, Michelle is seen toasting a marshmallow. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Octavia missions/Molly missions/Sabrina Sable missions]

Mission 005: All Things Considered [Amber]
"so amber, mary; how's working for king bran going for you" "i can't complain" "no sir, no complaints at all" "isn't it hot inside that throne?" "yes, but i take it you haven't seen what the other pixingtons are up to" "i haven't" "most pixingtons work in a big human-sized factory; it takes dozens to load a single piece of metal into the cutting machine" "my cousin chloe didn't get out of the blade's way in time and got cut in half" "oh god i'm so sorry" "i appreciate it sir but to be fair, no one liked her" "yeah, why else would they have named her chloe" "good point" "the worst part is that they still made her work after they stopped the bleeding" "all things considered, we have it pretty good down here sir" "sure seems that way" Just then, Michelle walks up and gives the two pixingtons a human-sized meatball sub to share. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions]

Mission 006: Revenge for the Little Guy [Emelyn]
"so how's being a spirit of vengeance working out for you emmo" "it's pretty rad actually" "really?" "totally; i have gotten so much revenge lately, both for myself and by proxy" "give me an example" "okay, there was this little pixington named chloe right?" "yeah i heard about her; she got cut in half" "yeah, so i got revenge for her by destroying the machine that cut her in half, and also by killing her parents for naming her chloe" "she probably thinks you're an angel" "well, she bled out before i could give her the news, so i-" "my ears are burning" "chloe!!! you're looking good; did you change your hair?" "no, i'm a wight now, just like you!!!" "a pixington wight? weird" "yeah but now i can be your sidekick" "sidekick?!" "yeah, after you killed my parents, i thought i could never repay you, but now i can!!!" "sounds good to me" "cool thanks you won't regret this" "if i do, i'll just get revenge on you" "ah yes, the circle of wight" Michelle walks up to Jakey and kicks him in the side. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 007: Know No Subtlety [Emelyn]
"hey check it out jakey; chloe's about to get her first ever revenge" "what happened" "some chick stepped on her" "was it malicious or an accident" "we wights know no difference" "fair enough" Chloe flutters behind her target, and goes in for the strike. Chloe lands on her mark's shoulder and begins slashing at her target's neck with her tiny cleaver. "ow stop it" "REVENGE!!!" "i don't have time for this go away" The target flicks Chloe away, sending her flying. "okay where was i oh right WIGHT INSPECTION" "huh?" "my name is ruth barlow, i'm with the inspection board; your feeble attempts to get revenge are just pathetic; go home and be a family man" Ruth shovels some coal into her stamper, and stamps Chloe's entire body red with "FAILURE". A single tear streams down Chloe's face, for all she wanted was for senpai to notice her. Michelle walks over to Jakey, stepping on Chloe on the way. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ruth missions]

Mission 008: Revenge, for Real [Emelyn]
"okay that last time was upsetting and all, but this time, chloe is definitely going to get revenge" "who on" "the gravedigger who buried chloe's legs and torso in different places" "i can see how that would be upsetting" Chloe knocks on the door to the gravedigger's shack. "GAH" A loud crash is heard. "j-j-j-j-just a s-second!!!" Chloe attempts to kick the door down, but fails due to her petit pixington frame. Luckily, the gravedigger mistakes it for another angry knock. Soon, the gravedigger comes to the door. "h-hello?" Chloe flies up into the gravedigger's face menacingly, but the gravedigger doesn't notice. "i-i-i h-hate th-those k-kids" The gravedigger slams the door, knocking Chloe over. "i suppose we now know the reason we've never heard of a pixington wight before" "two great tastes that do not taste great together" Michelle walks over to Jakey, stepping on Chloe on the way. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Valerie missions]

Mission 009: Maiden Voyage [Octavia]
"so how's being a maid going octy" "octy?" "no?" "fine, whatever; to your question: being a maid is just weird" "how so" "you humans have so many weird, delicate, frilly things" "can i have some examples" "these 'drapes' and this 'rug' and this 'expensive vase' are all just so delicate" "what do orcs use?" "we don't; firstly, our houses don't have 'windows' that we need to block; i mean, what's even the point? you create a structural weakness in order to let the sun into the house, then you block it off with 'drapes'?" "i've been wondering that myself many times, after those damn kids kept hitting baseballs through my windows that i never use" "exactly; secondly, a 'rug'? what purpose does THAT serve? you spend so much money on this extravagant floor, just to cover it up? you've basically already admitted that you made a useless vanity choice, then render it pointless by covering it up with something that's ALSO fragile; we orcs just have a strong, rugged floor that can take any punishment; it comes pre-scratched so you don't have to worry about it" "sounds nice" "it is; finally, what is the point of this vase? it does nothing, just stand there and get dusty" "if a home invader comes in, you can smash him over the head with the vase" "OR you could put an axe or one of your wimpy human 'guns' there and have a much more effective home-defense weapon" "i suppose" "you humans; you're your own worst enemy, i swear" Just then, a vase is knocked over by Michelle. "AGAIN?!" "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 010: Contractions and Transactions [Molly]
"hey molly i was wondering what you do when you're not angry about regular elves" "uh i'm always angry about regular elves" "okay, when you're not acting on the anger" "oh, i'm a contractor; right now, lianne bosque, the leader of the light elves of the radiant forest have contracted me to give their night club a modern renovation" "so it's going to be coal-powered and have huge smokestacks erupting from it?" "you know it; for entertainment, we have modified the stage to include a furnace and a big pile of coal so the entertainer can shovel coal while he sings or whatever" "genius" "and we also have a machine over by the bar that burns twilit coal" "twilit coal?" "yes, it's found here in the twilit forest, the same coal that comprised the yearning diamond; when it's burned, cold white smoke pours out of the smokestack; we're using it to make ice for the drinks" "ah the wonders of modern technology; is there anything coal can't do" "if there is, it must not be important" "amen" Michelle walks up sipping on a her iced drink. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Lianne Bosque missions]

Mission 011: A Strange Commission [Molly]
"any interesting commisions lately molly" "oh yes, from this lady here in fact; meet baroness arabella hughes, a factory owner from canada" "hello prince jakey" "hello baroness arabella" "arabella has commissioned me to create a new kind of smokestack" "how could you possibly improve upon the beauty of a smokestack?!" "oh, it's brilliant; tell him, arabella" "i have had molly here create smokestacks that not only stack smoke, but also nicotine!!! now all of canada will be ADDICTED to the sweet smog of progress - or 'smogress', if you will" "oh, i will; this is the best idea i've ever heard" "now not only will people have to tolerate our beautiful smogress, they will CRAVE it!!!" "this world is clearly in good hands with people like you at the helm, duchess arabella" "d-duchess?! you're promoting me?!" "it's the least i can do after what you've just accomplished" "thank you sir!!! i shall redouble my efforts so that i may continue to be worthy of this title you have bestowed upon me!!!" Michelle walks up to Jakey with her coronation sword in hand. "jakey i will demote you to marquis if you don't take me home" "you can't demote me; i'm the crown prince, i outrank you" "look, just take me home"
[reward: respect +/Arabella missions]

Mission 012: Changing the Face of Typing [Sabrina Sable]
"hey sabrina what are you working on there" "you know the typewriter? i'm trying to improve it" "oh are you making it powered by coal" "oh that's a good idea but not this time" "what then" "until now, typewriters have only been able to type in a single font" "a single what now" "you know, the way the letters are formed; the handwriting of the typewriter, if you will" "okay, i think i get it" "well, i'm creating a system to swap out the typewriter's font for a different one" "for what purpose" "the current font that typewriters use is very stuffy, official-looking; it's no good if you want to type up a letter home" "then you just handwrite it" "ah but with my system, you get the best of both worlds!!! BEHOLD!!! A FONT WITHOUT SERIFS!!!" "ser-what now" "you know how the 'i' has a little line at the bottom of it on a typewriter?" "yeah?" "well, this one doesn't" "and?" "and what" "why should anyone care" "because it looks far more laidback and informal this way" "specifically changing your set of keys to make the letters look different is the opposite of laidback" "well uh" "i'm going over here now; i need to get some fresh smog to clear my head after this conversation" "f-fair enough" Jakey exits Sabrina's house, and sees Michelle, breathing deeply the smog. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 013: A King's Greatest Possession [King Bran]
"hey jakey did i ever show you my coal-powered throne" "yes but can i see it again" "definitely; i do so love to show it off" King Bran and Jakey turn toward the throne, and see a girl carrying it away. "HEY YOU THERE; PEASANT!!! CEASE WITH YOUR THIEVERY!!!" "i'd rather not" The girl throws down a pellet, enveloping the room in smoke. Nothing seems to change. King Bran chases after the girl as Jakey cuts off her exit. "oh dammit you got me" "tell me, what were you even going to do with that throne" "i don't know; sit on it? sell it?" "what would make such a young citizen turn to a life of senseless crime" "i got tired of working in the factories all day during my childhood; in the morning, i'd work at the shoe factory, in the afternoon, i'd work at the boot factory, and at night, i'd work in the socks and sandals factory" "that sounds like a fulfilling existence" "shovelling all that coal stained my beautiful blonde hair black permanently" "it suits you sioby; coal is the future" "wait how did you know my name was siobhan?" "you look like a sioby; you have a look about you that is unmistakably sioby" "great." "can you please put my throne down; you'll throw your back out" "fine" Siobhan sets down the throne. "can you turn it around so it faces the window" "fine fine" As Siobhan turns the throne around, Michelle sits down in it, netting Siobhan a face full of smog. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Siobhan missions]

Mission 014: Radio, Radio [Ruth]
"so ruth what's up for inspection today" "this factory's coal seems to be doing something weird to the workers" "has the integrity of our coal supply been compromised?!" "that's what i'm here to find out; COAL INSPECTION" Ruth begins pawing through the coal, and finds that it glows strangely. "hmm that's odd" "does it pass or fail inspection" "there's nothing in the handbook about this" "um excuse me" A lone figure walks down the nearby stairs. "my name is rebecca roberts and after being exposed to that coal, i was granted power of all things coal; watch" Rebecca lifts the coal up and puts it into the burner all without touching it. "that's amazing" "you're like a hero!!! that is a really super power you've got there" "you think so?" "yes, you should have a cool outfit and call yourself coal-girl and go around stopping coal-based emergencies" "i like this idea" Just then, Michelle's coal-powered scooter stops scooting. "THIS LOOKS LIKE A JOB FOR COAL-GIRL!!!" Coal-Girl uses her powers to shovel more coal into Michelle's scooter, making it scoot along once more. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Coal-Girl missions]

Mission 015: Shameful Behaviour [Ruth]
"jakey i may need backup for this next inspection; those regular elves freak me out" "okay but be warned i may just shoot first and ask questions later" "and probably receive a medal" Ruth walks up to the newest business just on the Alabama side of its border with the Mystic Forest. "BUSINESS INSPECTION; what is even going on here" "well, i'm glad you asked!!! you know how coal creates all that smog?" "yes, the beautiful smog of progress - or smogress, if you will" "i won't" "what" "we regular elves have invented a source of power that does not create smog!!! BEHOLD!!!" "a giant fan?" "a wind turbine!!! the wind turns the bine, and it generates electricity to power this whole business!!!" Just then, a bird flies into the turbine and gets shredded. "THAT POOR BIRD!!!" "well uh-" "you're under arrest you villain; our smokestacks never hurt anyone, but these 'turnbeans' are a MENACE!!!" "but-" "tell it to the judge" Ruth slaps a pair of handcuffs onto the regular elf, and calls up HQ on her coal-powered cellular calling device. At the same time, Jakey gets a call on his coal-powered cellular calling device from Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 016: An Improvement Upon the Corpse [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on the gravekeeper's door. "GAH" A loud crash is heard as the gravekeeper fumbles toward the door. "j-j-j-just a s-second!!!" The gravekeeper opens the door. "h-hello" "hello there; i was just wondering how it went with the corpses that were steamrolled earlier" "o-oh th-those were g-great!!!" "really?" "y-yeah!!! i-i-i-i j-just f-folded them up a-and d-didn't even h-have to d-dig th-that big of a h-hole!!! c-can you d-do that w-with m-more corpses i-in the f-future p-please" "what if i got you your own steamroller so you could steamroll the corpses yourself?" "th-THAT W-WOULD B-BE AMAZING!!!" "i'll make some arrangements; i'll need your name for the shipping label" "v-valerie c-caulfield" "okay, it should be here shortly" Soon, the post lady shows up with a huge box. Valerie excitedly opens it, only for Michelle to drive it out and flatten some gravestones. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 017: Dire Straits [Lianne Bosque]
"miss bosque i hear you have problems that need the help of a professional" "oh yes, thank you for coming; it's my daughter, lydia, you see, she's fallen in with the wrong crowd" "yeah that'll happen" "instead of being inside the club and partying all night, she's holed up in her room, studying" "nothing good ever came out of that" "i just want to get a groove on with my only daughter; please help" "do not you worry; i will attempt (and probably fail) to solve this problem" "it's the attempt that matters" Jakey heads upstairs to Lydia's room. "lydia? we need to talk" "you're a cop aren't you? i can hear it in your voice" "really? the other detectives tell me i've got the voice of a petty criminal" "what do you want" "your mother is worried about you; studying when you should be partying down" "i don't WANT to party; i want to chase my dreams outside of this brightly-lit hellhole" "what dreams would those be" "a few months ago, a beautiful human women with hair as black as night came in to our nightclub and attempted to steal our coal-powered disco ball; she looked like a sioby, unmistakably, and i've wanted to be just like her ever since" "you want to be a thief?" "please, i prefer 'larcenist'" "well, allow me to show you what your career in larceny will do for you" Jakey kicks in Lydia's door, hoping to put her in a jailcell for the night to calm down these dreams of hers, but she's already escaped through the window, a calling card left in her place. "'you've been hoodwinked by lydia the larcenist' terrible" Michelle walks in. "jakey, i've got a calling card i made for you to use" "'you've just been taken home by jakey the best brother in the world'" "let's take it for a test drive; take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 018: Sing Us a Song [Arabella]
"jakey it's terrible" "what happened" "my neice scarlett was about to make her debut as the spokesman of the company - the smogress songstress - when she came down with laryngitis!!!" "can she play an instrument?" "no, all she's got is her voice and now not even that" "well obviously we need to find someone who can play an instrument so that scarlett can accompany the instrumentalist when her voice comes back" "but what kind of instrument could convey the beauty of smog the way the lyrics could?" "what if you took a guitar and made it powered by coal?" "that just might work" Arabella goes down to R&D, and has a prototype made on the spot. Arabella strums the open strings and the crunchiest noise to ever come out of an instrument blares over the entire factory. "that was awesome" "hard as a rock, heavy as metal" "let's hold auditions right away" Jakey and Arabella set up a modest audition booth in the middle of Canada's biggest national park, screaming out their need with a coal-powered megaphone. Soon, ones of girls show up to be the smogress songstress. "oh there are just too many to choose from" "four whole girls? this will take forever" "we'll go by the one with the coolest name" The girls stand in line one-by-one. "name?" "lisa membraños" "ew next" "julia armell" "we'll put you in the maybe pile; next" "jessica uh falco" "not bad not bad; and finally, you are?" "mavis forge" "you're hired" "sweet" The other three girls grumble on home. "just sign here here and here" Mavis signs the documents with glee. "this says your name is mavis forselli" "yeah i lied" "we'll call it a 'stage name'" "works for me" Michelle runs up and slams her application on the table. "uh sorry you're too late" "oh" Michelle hangs her head. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 019: The Artistry of Larceny [Siobhan]
"so sioby how's the thievery going" "it's been better" "hit a slump?" "not exactly; i've got this little yellow idiot following me around now" "yeah i heard there was a light elf who wanted to be a thief after seeing you in action" "i am very selective about my targets, but lydia just keeps saying shit like 'let's steal the yearning diamond' as if it's so damn easy" "she has high aspirations" "well my patience has high expirations; i can't be doing with this shit" "so you just want her to put a lyd on it" "exactly; and she's always saying 'oh you should have a calling card you leave behind so people know it was you' and i'm just like 'you fucking retard', right? i mean, i don't want people to know i did it!!! that's how you get caught!!!" "i imagine she means with an alias like 'the black lotus' or something cool" "yeah, well, her ideas for aliases (alii?) are just whack; i am not, under any circumstances, calling myself 'the ebony vole'" "the ebony what now" "i told her no one knows what that is, then she tells me it's like a groundhog? so if this wanted thief sees her own shadow, we'll have six more weeks of winter? ooh, scary" "you could always take her along on a heist and leave her behind to take the fall" "now there's an idea" Michelle walks in, wearing the Yearning Diamond. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 020: I Want to Shine for You [Coal-Girl]
"so how's being a superhero working out for you" "it's great; people need coal, i bring them coal" "sounds pretty straightforward" "can't complain" Just then, a giant fireball is launched at Coal-Girl. "MY NAME IS IRENE IMBRAGUGLIO; MY PARENTS WERE KILLED IN A COLLAPSING COALMINE AND I AM HERE TO GET REVENGE" "imbraguglio? what the fuck kind of name is-" As Coal-Girl derides Irene, she is set alight by one of Irene's fireballs. "OW FUCK FUCK FUCK IT'S HOT FUCK OW OW OW" "CALL ME INFERNO-GIRL; IT WILL BE THE LAST NAME YOU EVER HEAR" "OW FUCK I'M ON FIRE HELP HELP WHERE'S A WATER-THEMED SUPERHERO WHEN YOU NEED ONE" Jakey puts some coal into the coal-powered fire extinguishing device, and puts out Coal-Girl. Coal-Girl grabs the fire extinguisher, and sprays Inferno-Girl with it. "OW FUCK THAT'S NOT FAIR STOP" Coal-Girl does not stop until Inferno-Girl is killed. "there, problem solved" "that was surprisingly bloodthirsty of you" "being on fire really hurts; i don't recommend it" Michelle walks up and kicks Inferno-Girl's corpse. "take me home"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 021: I Want to Sparkle, Too [Coal-Girl]
"hey beck are you okay? you got burned pretty badly yesterday" "oh i'm fine, thanks for asking; i actually have a delivery to do and i'd appreciate the company" "oh okay" Jakey and Coal-Girl head down to the address Coal-Girl had received. "well, the customer told me to stand on this X but uh i don't see-" Just then, two coal-powered hydraulic presses smash into Coal-Girl from opposite directions. "b-beck? are you okay in there?" "yeah i think so" "oh good" Jakey switches off the presses, and Coal-Girl is released from inside, but no longer black as her namesake. "wow you're looking shiny today" "all that pressure must have forced my coalish appearance into that of diamonds!!!" "oh, so you're diamond-girl now?" "yes; have you got any diamonds on you?" "not as such, no" "oh damn; i wanted to try out my new powers" Just then, Michelle walks up, still wearing the Yearning Diamond. "what's that?" "oh this? this is the yearning diamond; king bran let me borrow it" "it's beautiful" Diamond-Girl's eyes go wide as her gaze is fixed on the Yearning Diamond. "i YEARN for that diamond" Diamond-Girl uses her powers to control diamond in order to steal the Yearning Diamond off of Michelle's neck. "wait no give that back; i promised king bran i'd return it" "it's mine!!! ALL MINE!!!" Diamond-Girl sprints away, her diamond-hard legs carrying her faster than anyone could ever hope to chase. "oh no oh no i need that back i can't let king bran know it was stolen oh no no no no no no" Michelle's panic is unparalleled; moreso than Jakey has ever seen from anyone, even that jittery gravekeeper. "m-michelle? are you okay?" "oh no no no no no" "isn't there something you'd like to ask me?" "oh no no no no no" For the first time ever, Jakey takes Michelle home, unrequested.
[reward: respect +/Michelle missions]

Mission 022: Just Like a Diamond Cursed [Michelle]
"hey michelle? you going to eat something?" "stolen my fault they won't even let me have a library card after this oh no no no no" Jakey realises that the only way to get Michelle back to normal is to recover the Yearning Diamond, but he has no idea where Diamond-Girl could be. He also realises that he can't tell King Bran about this; regardless of how he may react, King Bran is the one person that Michelle will not want to know about this. Jakey heads over to Siobhan's hideout. "sioby? i need to put together a team for a heist" "oh boy what are we heisting?!" "the yearning diamond" "..." "..." "i told you, i-" "no, listen; king bran loaned it to my sister, and then a woman with the power to control diamond stole it and ran away to parts unknown" "oh, that's different then; i'll make some inquiries" Siobhan leaves and returns with a team. Jakey begins to puff up slightly. "sioby? is there a vampire on your team?" "yeah, this is gwendolyn; don't worry, she's cool" "listen, gwendolyn, i'm sure you're really nice and all, but i'm allergic to vampires" "oh, sorry; i'll make my leave then" Gwendolyn bows out, leaving just Siobhan and Emelyn. "good idea though sioby; a spirit of vengeance will be able to get revenge for michelle" "i always did like that kid" "so do we have any information on diamond-girl's whereabouts" "the pixingtons are out scouting as we speak" "man, you're really on top of this; i'm glad i went to you" "well, you know" A pause happens in the conversation, and Jakey looks around, expecting Michelle to appear. "oh, right"
[reward: respect +/Siobhan missions]

Mission 023: Well, You Know It Don't Get No Worse [Siobhan]
"the pixingtons have found diamond-girl; she's at her house" "damn those pixingtons are good; i never would have thought to look there" "let's roll" Jakey, Siobhan, and Emelyn walk determinedly toward Diamond-Girl's house. Jakey kicks down the door. "REBECCA ROBERTS" "the name is diamond-girl" "i don't care what your name is; return the yearning diamond, or-" "yeah yeah shush; you know, jakey, you threw me for a bit of a loop back there; i thought you might have the diamonds, but your nonchalant attitude and vague answer made me think king bran still had them" Diamond-Girl rips a sheet off of a cage, where King Bran is hunkered down. "you really should have bought a bigger cage" "shush" "king bran uh i was hoping you wouldn't find out about this" "it's fine, i'm not mad at michelle; this diamond-girl is a menace" "speaking of diamonds; i'm going to take yours now, thanks" Diamond-Girl uses her control over diamonds to attempt to rip The Diamonds from Jakey's bloodstream, but nothing happens. "WHAT" "ohhhhhh riiiiight" "WHAT IS THIS ABOUT BRANIEL?!" "okay, first: it's king bran, and second: it's not short for fucking braniel, it's short for branzekiel" "WHATEVER" "well, embarrassingly, i misplaced the diamonds so i gave jakey the cubic zirconia instead to buy me some time to find them; then i figured i'd slip them into his food" "you people are INFURIATING" Using the opportunity, Emelyn decapitates Diamond-Girl, as a spirit of vengeance should. "i'm glad that's-" A surge of demonic energy rushes out from Diamond-Girl's severed neck. "oh what now?" A demoness erupts out of Diamond-Girl's neck. "congratulations on killing your friend by the way; she wasn't actually evil, merely possessed" "and who the fuck are you?!" "my name is jezebel but my friends call me jezzie!!! i've been trying to take over the world for a while now, but the seductive approach has never worked, so i thought i'd try the violent one!!!" "how's that working out for you?" "terribly, actually; i'm kind of regretting not just seducing you to be honest" "well there's always next time, right?" "oh, but this time isn't over yet; i've still got the yearning diamond" "oh right" "bring to me the diamonds tonight and i'll give this back to you, no hard feelings" "i'll uh consider it" "see that you do" Jezzie winks and disappears. "well that sucked" "can i be let out of this cage now" "oh right" Emelyn releases King Bran from the cage. A pause happens in the conversation, and Jakey looks around, expecting Michelle to appear. "oh, right"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions]

Mission 024: You Know That I'll Save You Time [Jezzie]
"so we've found the diamonds in king bran's couch cushions" "yeah sorry" "i prefer blackmail to being torn apart" "so how are we doing this?" "i will initiate the trade of the diamonds for the yearning diamond; meanwhile, our resident spirit of vengeance will stab jezzie repeatedly in the back" "how many times should i stab her" "until there is nothing left to stab" "i like this plan" "also, in case of emergencies, sioby will be on this ridge carrying a first-aid kit" "in the event that both you and emelyn need aid, who should i use the kit on" "the first one who needs aid; hence the name" "right" "okay everyone, let's roll" The group rolls out to the meeting place where Jezzie is waiting to make the exchange. "glad you came jakey; i brought a guest to keep me entertained if you didn't show" "michelle?!" "yeah she kept trying to take the yearning diamond from me, so i had to knock her out; she's still a great hostage though, just in case you were planning on stabbing me in the back repeatedly" "damn, she's thought of everything" "now on three, we'll both toss our respective payloads, okay? one two three" Jezzie and Jakey both toss what they're carrying. "this isn't the yearning diamond, it's just a bunch of regular diamonds taped together" "and this sack doesn't contain THE diamonds, it contains a bunch of rock candy" "so we'll call a mulligan then" "sounds fair; same idea as last time, okay? one two three" Jezzie and Jakey both toss their respective real McCoys, as opposed to the fake McCoys they'd thrown earlier. "ah yes, the diamonds; the source of power i need to be unkillable!!!" Jezzie ingests The Diamonds, giving herself the same dumb invincibility and healing powers that Jakey usually has. "thank you jezzie, for returning the yearning diamond to its rightful home in canada" "huh? what now?" "if i place the yearning diamond on this belt next to the longing sapphire, the craving ruby, and the hankering emerald, a power lost to time will be unleashed!!!" "oh no that sounds really bad" "THE SOULS OF THE PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE HAVE YEARNED, LONGED, CRAVED, AND HANKERED FOR THIS FOR CENTURIES!!! COME FORTH!!!" Four different Jakey spirits appear, from various points in time. "howdy, i'm from the near future; i've been a-hankerin' for this for negative seventy years" "hello i brought a dinosaur who craves demoness flesh" "sick" "hello, i've got a line of cannons that have longed to fire at evil" Instead of talking about his yearning, Sheriff Jakey of the 1930s just shoots Jezzie over and over and over. "oh, that must be the edgy jakey" "he got promoted to sheriff?! i'm jealous" Jezzie is still alive, however, suffering bullet wound after bullet wound. "GOD THIS HURTS SO MUCH I THOUGHT YOU JAKEYS WERE INVINCIBLE" "we still feel the pain of the injury, and then again as it heals" "I REGRET EVERYTHING" As Jezzie recovers from being filled with lead, the four Jakeys of the past and future use their dumb ghost powers to rip The Diamonds straight out of Jezzie's demonic body, finally killing her. "i'm glad that's over and i'll never have to deal with her again" "she comes back two years after you kill her, every time" "oh goddammit" "it's fine; i doubt she'll do anything of note during your time as crown prince" "that's good; then i can have my son take care of it" "amen" "so while we're here, let's see the sights" "yeah i want to see the cave you live in" "uh i live in a house" "you WHAT?!" Cave times Jakey slaps his face with his palm, his worst fears for the future realised. "i hate that woman" Just then, Michelle comes to. "hey michelle i recovered the yearning diamond for you" "oh boy and you even completed the belt!!! i've been wanting to do this for years!!!" Michelle uses the belt's power to summon four Michelles from various points in time. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions]

Mission 025: Your Trouble Now Is Mine [King Bran]
"so now that that ordeal is over, i need to ask you something jakey" "yeah?" "can i have the yearning diamond back now" "shouldn't we keep the set complete? i mean-" "no i want my stone back" "fine fine take it" Jakey removes the Yearning Diamond from his belt, and hands it to King Bran. "the one thing i value more than the smog of progress; oh how i missed you" As King Bran inserts the Yearning Diamond back into his crown where it belongs, Michelle walks up to Jakey. "hey can i borrow the hankering emerald?" "let's discuss it on the road" "good idea; take me home"
[reward: respect +/'I Just Finished A Thing of the Past: Industrial Revolution and All I Got Was This Stupid' t-shirt/THE END]