Too Much of a Good Thing (2020)

Mission 025: A Wall of Hope [Wu Huiqing]
Jakey walks into Wu Huiqing's hotel room, and finds her having a discussion with Candice. "oh jakey we were just discussing wall-building techniques" "oh really" "yes, i have made it my mission to learn all i can about the greatest walls in history, so i asked a chinese person and next on my list is president trump" "the two greatest walls in history for sure" "yes and i hope to one day add my own wall to that list" "where were you planning to build it" "that's a good question; i hadn't thought about it" "well even if a wall is immaculately-constructed, it doesn't mean much if it doesn't have a purpose; china's was to keep the mongols out and trump's was to keep out those damn mexicans" "I'VE GOT IT" "please don't say you're going to build it to keep out the canadians" "no no NO i'm going to build a wall to keep out SPACE ALIENS" "how" "well i am currently researching the 'how' but i plan to have the wall float over alabama so all the aliens see it and are like 'damn we'd better go abduct some canadians instead because this wall is too great an obstacle to overcome'" "what we don't want aliens either" "but what if they are attractive female aliens (or 'femaliens' if you'd prefer)" "..." "..." "okay maybe we want aliens" "see, win-win" Michelle exits Wu Huiqing's refrigerator. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Great Wall jacket]

Mission 026: Just Wanna Play Videogames [Gwendolyn]
"yo gwendo how's the videogames for money thing working" "am i old" "well um i think most people would call 500-some old" "dammit i knew it that's why i can't wrap my head around this new game everyone wants me to play" "tell me the gist of it" "okay so you know how there are building games like blockstack, and there are shooting games like rooty tooty point n shooty right" "yeah" "well in THIS game, you are expected to do BOTH at the same time!!!" "what the fuck how can you build something that's structurally sound while shooting at ten-year-olds?!" "i know right; this shit is whack" "do kids say that any more" "man i don't even know they keep posting pictures of some guy i don't recognise" "maybe he's a long-lost relative trying to get your attention" "oh i hope not otherwise i'll feel really bad for ignoring him for so long" "so why don't you try to carve out a niche for yourself by being the first person to broadcast footage over the internet of GOOD videogames" "people don't like it when i do that; they always ask when i'm going to get back to shadow spirits or the flavour of the week" "sounds soul-crushing" "yeah but it's better than like flipping burgers" "oh yeah that sounds like a miserable existence" Michelle walks into the room with a tray of burgers. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Blockstack t-shirt/Rooty Tooty Point n Shooty t-shirt]

Mission 027: '80s Night, Ladies Night [Gwendolyn]
"woah gwendolyn is it the 1980s already" "it's laundry day; i'm out of white shirts with frilly black parts" "well maybe you should buy more of them" "i have like fifty i just don't do laundry very often" "so you don't do laundry until you run out of shirts" "yeah isn't that how everyone does it" "i don't do my own laundry so i don't know" "exactly; stop talking shit" "sorry; i actually do like all the light blue and pink" "it was a different time" "did you show your internet benefators this getup" "no way they think i'm some goth weirdo; if i show up wearing bright colours it's all over" "they might think you're well-adjusted!!!" "and there's nothing worse than that" "amen" "so you want to head to the club? it is coincidentally '80s night and also ladies night so i get all my drinks for free" "sure but only if you don't attack the bartender for not putting actual blood in the bloody mary" "it's fucking false advertising is what it is; if i didn't beat him into shape, someone else would have" Jakey and Gwendolyn hop into The Motherfucker and drive down to the club, where DJ Valerie is putting on an '80s-themed clinic. She is so consumed in her disc jockeying that she doesn't notice Jakey enter the hall. "man she is tearing it up out there" "i have seen many people jockey some discs in my time, and she is definitely somewhere in the top thirty-two" "a respectable position for anyone to hold" Jakey and Gwendolyn hang out on the sides of the hall, and watch everyone else dance. "hey is that your sister doing all those splits" "yeah wow i didn't know she could bend like that" Michelle shuffles up to Jakey, while still doing a full split. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/'80s Night t-shirt]

Mission 028: Construction Disfunction [Candice]
"yo candice how's the wall coming" "well i've got all the materials so i just need to figure out how to make the wall A: resist blocking out the sun's life-giving rays, and B: resist gravity" "here it comes" "what" Jakey steps out of the way as the wall behind him is busted straight through by Resistance Leadour. "OH YEAH!!!" "WHAT THE FUCK THAT WAS MY WALL" "not a very good wall if it can't withstand a 5'9 woman running through it" "but that's like really tall for a woman" "not in this country" "whatever; explain yourself why are you here" "oh right you said you want the wall to resist something or other and i am the world's leading expert on resistance" "but you couldn't resist breaking my wall" "pfft your wall couldn't resist being broken" "psst candice don't even try to play this game with her; she can twist her words around her actions all day and all of the night" "fine whatever" "okay so down to brass tacks: encase me in this wall and i will be sure to resist anything thrown my way!!!" "um okay" Candice begins encasing Resistance Leadour into a wall. Once she's fully-encased, Resistance Leadour rises into the air. "oh man she's doing it!!!" Unfortunately, she doesn't stop rising, even after she's broken the atmosphere. "uh-oh" Candice takes off her hardhat and holds it over her heart, mourning Resistance Leadour's sacrifice. "she'll be fine; she can resist the need for oxygen and the cold vaccuum of space and whatever else" "really?" "yeah check this out, AHEM: HEY RESSIE BET YOU CAN'T RESIST THIS BAG OF CONCRETE HARDENING INSIDE YOUR STOMACH" All of a sudden, Resistance Leadour switches direction and hurtles back down to earth, busting through the wall she was inside. "OH YEAH?! WATCH ME" Resistance Leadour downs the entire bag of concrete, not even breaking a sweat. "um it was nice meeting you miss leadour but um i'm going to go and be terrified over there now" "oh sure sure" Candice runs off, afraid of Resistance Leadour. Michelle pours Jakey and Resistance Leadour some Kool-Aid. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Resistance Leadour missions]

Mission 029: One Scoop, Two Scoop [Violet]
"so what were you doing on that ship anyway" "oh well i was trying to get the scoop on that captain morgan and her band of sailors who have been wreaking havok on alabama for the past year or so but they discovered me" "maybe next time you should disguise yourself as something that belongs on a ship, like a cannon" "hmmm that sounds like a bit of a tight squeeze, and also what if they fire the cannon i'm in?!" "well i'd imagine you'd use a decoy cannon that doesn't actually fire" "same question as before!!! what if they try to fire the cannon and it doesn't fire!!! either they'll inspect it and discover me or they'll just knock me overboard!!! and i doubt i'd be lucky enough to be noticed and saved by a water-themed superhero again" "hey there's an idea: what if you disguise yourself as a water-themed superhero and act like you're going to take them down for what they did" "here's another idea: what if the water-themed superhero like ACTUALLY took them down" "..." "..." "i expected better of you, violet" "what" "your idea gets you ONE scoop: river-girl taking down the sailors; my idea gets you TWO scoops: you exposing the sailors, then another for river-girl taking down the sailors" "OH yeah that makes sense!!! thanks jakey i almost made a huge mistake" Violet begins to ponder her disguise. "okay blue clothes are simple but blue hair? it's essential to the look because 100% of water-themed superheroes i've seen have blue hair but that's not a normal colour for hair; do they even make blue hairdye?!" "no i don't think so; who would even want that" "well my hair is light-coloured anyway so i can just scribble on it with sharpie" "oh good idea" Jakey grabs a Sharpie and begins to scribble all over Violet's head. "how do i look" "stupid" "yeah i don't pull it off very well do i; ah well it will wash out" "will it? it does say PERMANENT marker" "i'm sure that's just advertising babble; wish me luck!!!" Violet hops into the ocean and paddles her trash can off to sea. Jakey looks out after her with his binoculars. "HALT VILLAIN; I, RIVER-GIRL, WILL BRING YOU TO JUSTICE FOR THAT THING YOU DID" "oh no she knows about the robberies and the arson and also the kidnapping" "here take her just leave us alone" The crewman throws Michelle into Violet's trash can. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/two scoops t-shirt]

Mission 030: Red Scoop, Blue Scoop [Violet]
"okay jakey; the sharpie washed right out, and the article is published" "'local sailing gang kidnaps canadian princess' nice work" "thanks!!! and look!!! here's river-girl now to bring those sailors to justice!!!" "wow look at her go" "i am very happy to see her go" "my favourite thing about river-girl is how she doesn't beat around the bush and send the criminals to jail; she just straight up kills them" "yes, she is truly the hero this world needs" "god bless that river-girl" Jakey and Violet stand and salute as River-Girl finishes her duties as a water-themed superhero. She then catches a wave and hands to Jakey his missing Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/beat around the bush t-shirt]

Mission 031: Just Blue [Rachel]
Jakey knocks on the door to Rachel's apartment, and the door swings open. Piles of empty glass bottles fill the inside, and Rachel lays motionless on her bed. Jakey looks over at an open laptop, where every tab on the browser is open to a different news site, on a search for 'Rachel Jackson'. There are no results. A pad of paper next to the laptop lays out a plan. "plan to get attention from a paparazzo: step one - get WASTED" The rest of the plan was presumably written after step one was accomplished, because it is illegible. The next page is slightly more legible. "since i'm not getting any attention, it seems i'm not being drunk and belligererent enough so i am going to re-double my efforts; the efforts are now octuple the standard rate" Jakey slaps his face with his palm. "she's dead isn't she" Jakey walks over to the bed, and notices Rachel breathing a bit. "okay so all i need to do is get the alcohol out of her system; that's simple enough" Jakey calls up River-Girl, who appears to drain the liquid alcohol from Rachel's system. "man there certainly are a lot of liquid-based cirumstances to help with these days" "i'm glad i met you when i did, otherwise like four or five people would have died already" "always happy to help!!!" As River-Girl retreats down the fire escape, Rachel's breathing returns to normal. Jakey loads up all her remaining liquor into The Motherfucker, and Michelle starts downing it. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/step one - get WASTED t-shirt]

Mission 032: Lifted Spirits [Rachel]
"JAKEY GOOD NEWS" "you're alive and have realised how meaningful that is to you?" "NO BETTER; CHECK IT OUT" Rachel slides away from the laptop, and lets Jakey read the article on-screen. "this is about river-girl not you" "no no look there!!!" Rachel points to her name printed at the bottom. "oh wow a passing mention" "YES!!! if the paparazzo is stalking river-girl, then that means that if i put myself in liquid-based danger, i'll get saved by river-girl and mentioned in an article again!!!" "uh yes but-" "and if i do it enough times, then the paparazzo will start stalking ME because river-girl isn't far behind!!!" "that's certainly a leap in logic" "hey blood is a liquid right?!" "uh yeah" "sweet!!! check this out!!!" Rachel grabs a razorblade and begins cutting her wrists. "you are fucking insane" "that's what they said about picasso" "picasso didn't mutilate himself!!!" "yes he did" "shit you're right" "now to wait for river-girl to appear while i bleed to death" Jakey, not wanting to enable this shit, reaches for the razorblade. "no jakey NO i will not have you use your dumb 'bleed on it and it's healed!!!' bullshit here; if i can't be saved by river-girl, i do not WANT to be saved" "fine then; bleed to death for all i care" "you don't mean that" Jakey stares down Rachel with an unwavering focus. It is only broken by the sound of River-Girl entering the room. "hey i just came to check up on-OH MY GOD" River-Girl swiftly moves the blood back into Rachel's arms, and borrows some blood from Jakey to patch up the cuts. "wait how did you know about that" "oh that vampire girl told me; she went on and on about blood and yours came up a lot" "oh uh cool" "now you there miss please be more careful with razorblades from now on okay" "okay" River-Girl leaves through the window, and Michelle enters through the same window. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 033: Insane in the Membrane [Rachel]
"jakey good news i got mentioned in an article again!!!" "so what's your next suicidal plan" "well you see this lake? i'm going to swim in it" "but let me guess, you never learned how to swim" "correct!!! there was no need to do it back in mojavistan" "hey you look cold you should put on this jacket" "oh good idea; the extra weight will help me drown faster" Jakey buckles a straitjacket onto Rachel. "uh i can't move my arms in this are you sure you put it on right" "oh yes yes i am" Jakey lifts Rachel off the ground and carries her to The Motherfucker. "hey put me down" "don't worry; everything will be fine" Jakey drives Rachel all the way down to the local insane asylum, where the parallel universe version of Candice rings her in. "oh yes, the girl you told us about; we've got a padded cell right here for her" "this isn't funny; i am perfectly sane" "then i'm sure you'll be out in no time" PU-Candice grabs Rachel and hucks her into the padded room. "so what made you decide to work at the insane asylum" "well i came here to check myself in but they told me i was far too sane and i was like 'bullshit' and they showed me around and i realised they were right" "it's good to be wrong sometimes" "indeed; OH i just remembered michelle's about ready for release" "oh boy" PU-Candice wheels Michelle out into the hallway. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Parallel Universe Candice missions]

Mission 034: A Proper Burial [Valerie]
"hey valerie how's the dj career going" "o-oh!!! i-it's g-great!!! people r-really seem to enjoy it!!!" "oh good good" Just then, Julia walks up carrying a large sack over her shoulder. "hey could you bury this" "wh-what's in it" "what is it with all the questions!!! the bakery people said the same thing when i asked to shove it in their big ovens!!! it's of no concern to you!!!" "i-i-i d-don't bury a-anything that i-i-i d-don't know wh-what it is" Julia sighs and drops her sack onto the ground. "okay listen: it's a dead body" "i-i-i f-figured; d-did you j-just find it or m-make it yourself" "THE GUY WAS WALKING ON THE GRASS WHEN THERE WAS CLEARLY A SIGN THAT SAID 'DON'T WALK ON THE GRASS'" "i would have killed him too" "w-well i-if j-jakey says i-it's okay" Valerie drags the sack over to an open grave and dumps it in. "thanks miss i was worried i'd have to take it to mojavistan and let me tell you they don't let you just take something on a plane any more" "why not just throw it in the ocean" "and risk some mermaid finding it?! no way man" Just then, Michelle walks up carrying her own large sack. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Julia missions]

Mission 035: Bravely and Gravely [Valerie]
"so th-then i-i-i says to th-the guy - y-you know what i s-says? i-i-i says-" "GRAVEDIGGER INSPECTION" "GAH" Valerie is uprooted from the stump she was sitting on, leaping high into the air out of fright as Ruth approaches the graveyard. "all right, my name is ruth barlow; i'm from the inspection board" Valerie leads Ruth over to the graves. "what is with these tombstones" "wh-what's wrong with th-them" "they aren't engraved; you just drew on them with permanent marker" "i-i-it g-gets the p-point across" "this one doesn't even have anything on it!!!" "w-w-well m-my sharpie r-ran out of i-ink s-so i-i-i w-went down t-to the st-store to g-get more a-a-and when i-i-i g-got b-back, i-i-i h-had f-forgotten whose g-grave it was" "you didn't think to write it down?!" "h-hindsight is t-twenty-twenty" Ruth slaps her face with her hand. "that was such a pathetic display that you don't even deserve a failed stamp" Ruth tears up her inspection sheet and goes back to her truck. "th-that went w-well" Ruth bangs her head against the steering column while Michelle walks over to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sharpie t-shirt]

Mission 036: Unfortunate Synchronicity [Valerie]
"hey valerie what are you up to" "i-i j-just had an i-idea for a n-new superhero!!! ch-check it out!!!" Valerie holds up a drawing of a woman in blue with flowing blue hair. "uh-" "i-i-i know i-i know b-blue hair is weird!!! b-but it h-happened when sh-she swam i-in a river f-full of radioactive w-waste!!! sh-she gained the p-power to control w-water!!!" "valerie, have you watched the news in the last couple weeks or so" "n-no wh-why" Jakey shows Valerie a video of River-Girl using her water powers to save a cat from the top of a tree. "GODDAMMIT" Valerie crumples up her drawing and hucks it at the far wall. "so you've been at this a while, i take it" "j-just when i-i-i g-get a good one t-too" "i'm sure river-girl wouldn't mind you making a comic about her if you asked" "i-i-i d-don't want to m-make a c-comic about s-someone else; i-i-i w-want to m-make my own" "well uh good luck with that" Valerie sighs and returns to her table, twiddling her pencil around in her hand. Michelle walks up with her own drawing of River-Girl and sticks it on Valerie's fridge. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Valerie's River-Girl drawing appears at safehouses]

Mission 037: Obscenely Clean [Noriko]
"hey noriko i was wondering how does being a ninja help with cleaning" "i'll show you; huck something sticky at the ceiling" Jakey grabs some gummy candy and throws it up at the ceiling. Noriko dashes at the wall, runs straight upward, then runs along the ceiling and sprays her chemicals all over the piece of candy. The candy begins to fall to the floor, but Noriko grabs it quickly before it falls out of reach. She then wipes the affected spot with a rag, and no one can tell what happened. "most people would just get a stepladder" "pfft what if you're entertaining and accidentally throw spaghetti on the ceiling? i need to clean that up before your guest notices and feels shame for even having known you" "i suppose" "so how cool is it that i'm still on the ceiling" "that is pretty cool" "yeah" "are you able to get down" "it's uh been a while" "well take my hand and i'll help you down" "no no i can do this" Noriko looks around nervously. She spots a bookcase, and crawls along the ceiling to get to it, then climbs down the bookcase and onto the floor. "smooth" "thanks i was worried that i was going to have to live on the ceiling for the rest of my life" Michelle walks into the room, along the ceiling. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/stepladder jacket]

Mission 038: A Test of Skill [Noriko]
"ALL RIGHT noriko!!! i have hidden five dust bunnies around the house and now you have five minutes to find them!!!" "oh is that what you were doing? i already picked those up" "WHAT" Jakey checks all his hiding spots, and, sure enough, the dust bunnies are already gone. "well uh good job i guess" "sorry for ruining your game" "no it's fine you were just doing your job" Michelle walks up and places a huge dust bunny on the couch next to Noriko. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/disappointment]

Mission 039: Replacement [Jezzie]
"oh jakey hello i am in the need of a new assassin; do you know of any" "what do you think this is, noah's ark?! i only know one of each thing" "you know two maids and you know two candices" "if you know everyone i know, why did you even ask me in the first place" "seemed more polite than 'get out of my office i'm busy trying to find a new assassin after you got mine killed'" "i'm pretty sure that was you" "it was a team effort" "whatever" "now come along i want to show you something" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey are suddenly inside the apartment of mild-mannered Rebecca Roberts. "uh hi" "hi there miss river-girl" "i uh am afraid you have me confused with someone else; my name is rebecca roberts" Jezzie pulls the wig from Rebecca Roberts's head, revealing the flowing blue hair of River-Girl. "a uh blue slushee machine exploded near me and stained my hair blue" "oh good one; did you rehearse it" "why would i need to rehearse the truth" "okay let's stop beating around the bush, river-girl; i want you on team evil and i am willing to offer you a contract worth seventeen million alabama fun bux, plus an eight million signing bonus" "pass" "what why" "before my great uncle twice-removed died in a boating accident, he told me 'with amazing abilities comes amazing duty' and i have held those words close to my heart ever since you reminded me of them just now" "wait a second time-out" "yes, jakey?" "why was your uncle removed twice; he doesn't sound like that great of a guy if they just removed him like that, TWICE" "oh uh" "see miss river-girl?! he wasn't a good man so if you really want to follow his words, you should make your amazing duty an evil one!!!" "pass" "ah well i'll be back later" Jezzie snaps her fingers and teleports out of the room. "what a polite demoness" "i can never get a read on her" "i like her goat legs" A banging noise comes from the pipes, and River-Girl surges the water through to free Michelle from within. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/twice removed t-shirt]

Mission 040: Necessary Cause [Ruth]
"hey ruth what's up" "oh jakey i was just on my way to my next inspection" Ruth looks down at her clipboard. "JOCKSTRAP INSPECTION?!" "ouch" "well at least i have my gasmask this time" "you should probably just not do that one" "someone has to" "not really no" "listen, i don't go to canada and tell you people how to do things so please just accept that alabamanians have to do unpleasant things; you may not care about the quality and cleanliness of your jockstraps up north, but we here in alabama find it very important" "really?" "i don't fucking know i don't care about any of this shit" "then why do it" "i'm sure you royals have a lot of time to think about such things, but some of us can't afford to waste that time when there are jockstraps that need inspection" Ruth walks off in a vaguely jockstrapward direction. Michelle walks off in a vaguely Jakeyward direction. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/crown t-shirt]

Mission 041: People are Strange [River-Girl]
"jakey i got this strange request from this woman; she says that 73% of the human body is comprised of water, and as a devout christian, she wants that 73% to be holy water but the priest can't bless it unless it's liquid in front of him" "so you're supposed to separate 73% of brooke's being from her" "yeah how did you know she was named brooke" "sometimes you can just tell; more importantly, how are you going to keep her alive while she's missing 73% of herself" "she says there's a magician in on it" "oh great; this is totally going to work" "you really think so?" "no, i was being sarcastic" "so you don't think i should do it" "no no i didn't say that" "whatever let's just go" Jakey and River-Girl hop into The Motherfucker and head down to the church, where Brooke is laid on a table in front of Father Brucie, Natalie, and The Great Cheryl. "wow you got the great cheryl to come here? i can't believe you could afford her rates" "oh, she couldn't, but this sounded so ridiculous that i had to try it out" "and uh natalie? strange choice" "well everyone wanted to make sure this was all legal so they brought in a lawyer" "okay everyone thanks for coming; let us begin" The Great Cheryl keeps Brooke alive as River-Girl removes all of the water from her body. Father Brucie blesses each and every drop, making it into holy water. When he is finished, River-Girl puts the water back into Brooke's body, and The Great Cheryl finishes her spell. Brooke sits up straight, shining radiantly. "how does it look" "like i need to be wearing sunglasses" "nice!!! i hope jesus likes it when i see him in heaven!!!" Michelle walks into the church, and stumbles around, blinded, knocking over all the pews. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Brooke missions/Natalie missions]

Mission 042: Transportation [River-Girl]
"jakey i need to get a car; people get mad when i use the water from their swimming pools to travel" "well the best place to buy a car is 100% pixington autos" "cool" Jakey and River-Girl hop into The Motherfucker and drive down to Pixington Autos, where an enthusiastic Amber greets them. "hello and welcome to pixington autos; what kind of car are you looking for today" "a blue one" "ah yes we have a fine selection of blue cars in stock; right this way" Amber leads River-Girl over to the blue cars section. "oh wow i like this one" "ah yes that one is only 25,000 alabama fun bux" "uh i don't have that kind of money" "it's okay most people don't; you'll need to get a loan from the bank and this and that and you'll be good to go" "i don't know sounds kind of sketchy" While Amber explains how car loans work, a massive tidal wave heads straight for the dealership. "OH NO MY CARS" River-Girl swiftly stops the tidal wave with her water powers, and re-directs it toward the dealership across the street. "GODDAMMIT" Soaking wet, Svart of Darkness tries desperately to dry off his cars. "oh man thank you miss how can i ever repay you" River-Girl nods her head to the side, toward the car she was looking at. "oh right okay here you go" Amber hands River-Girl the keys, and she climbs right in. "so uh how do i drive one of these" "um i'll have it towed to your house" "thanks!!!" Soon, Bailey arrives in her car-hauler and gets River-Girl's new car loaded up, right next to Michelle's. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Amber missions/Svart of Darkness missions]

Mission 043: Driving Me Mad [River-Girl]
"jakey i think i got the hang of this driving thing watch" River-Girl backs up her car, taking out the neighbour's mailbox. "scratch that, i don't got it" "well you'll get there eventually" "man why does everything have to be so hard; why can't i just type in 'mcdonald's' and have it take me to mcdonald's" "maybe someday" "if only this car were made of water so i could just move it with my water powers" "i just had an idea" "oh boy" Jakey pops open the trunk of the car, and hooks a hose up to it, filling the trunk with water. "um what did that accomplish" "try moving the water forward along the road" River-Girl concentrates, and moves the water forward with her mind. The water takes the entire car along with it. "OH MAN I'M DOING IT" "without destroying any mailboxes" "this is so much easier than that archaic internal combustion engine thing; hop in and we can get a bite to eat" "oh boy" As River-Girl takes off, the post lady comes screaming around the corner. She is horrified to see the destroyed mailboxes. "THE MAIL MUST ALWAYS GO THROUGH" The post lady takes several boards and begins fixing the mailboxes. Meanwhile, Michelle rises from River-Girl's back seat. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/blue car t-shirt]

Mission 044: Fluid Investments [Arabella]
"hey jakey check out the socks and sandals factory i own" "wow" "yeah my business interests are pretty varied" "do you also have a stamp-making factory" "oh yes; my family has been producing stamps for the canadian government ever since they invented mail" "wow" Suddenly, an alarm starts blaring. "not again" "what what's wrong" "that's the 'someone's fallen into the sock-making fluid' alarm" "i didn't know socks were made from fluid" "you learn something new every day now come on" "how do you know it's a person and not just a watch or something" "because the 'someone's fallen into the sock-making fluid' alarm went off, not the 'someone dropped his watch into the sock-making fluid' alarm" "fair enough" Jakey and Arabella walk down to the production floor, where a pair of legs sticks out of the sock-making fluid vat. "oh dear" "can we just pull her out" "no the sock-making fluid is too thick and sticky; our only hope is the sudden appearance of a liquid-based superhero" "HAVE NO FEAR, RIVER-GIRL IS just a call away" Jakey pulls out his phone and dials up River-Girl. "hey we've got a liquid-based emergency here can you come over" "right away!!!" Soon, River-Girl appears within the factory. "so what's up" "that woman is stuck in the sock-making fluid and also probably drowning" "oh dear" River-Girl uses her powers to yank the woman out of the fluid by the fluid in her lungs, then yanks the fluid from her lungs and back into the vat. "is she still alive" "i don't know i'm a superhero not a doctor" Jakey jostles Unimportant's body a bit, and she springs to life. "oh thanks everyone i thought i was a goner" "what were you doing in the sock-making fluid vat" "unimportant; what is important is that i survived" "HEY EVERYONE LOOK AT ME" Everyone looks up to see Michelle leaping off the high dive and into the vat of sock-making fluid. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/River-Girl missions/Unimportant missions]

Mission 045: I'm Lovin' It [Arabella]
"and THIS is the mcdonald's factory" "are those just like entire mcdonald'ses coming off the assembly line" "yeah that's uh how chain restaurants are made" "i thought they were made like any other building" "that's uh depressingly naïve of you jakey" "i feel like i'm peeking way too far behind the velvet curtain" "i'd say you've been smothered by the curtain and need someone to just rip it right off" All of a sudden, an alarm starts blaring. "oh god no" "what what is it" "that's the 'someone fell into the fryer oil' alarm!!!" "oh no" Arabella and Jakey rush out to the floor, and see a pair of legs sticking out of the fryer. "call up that superhero again" "uh that's oil not water" "yeah so?" "river-girl's powers don't work on oil" "what why not" "all superheroes need an arbitrary limitation on their powers; that's just how it works" "whatever so how are we going to solve this issue" "pour radioactive waste into the fryer vat in the hopes that the woman gains superpowers and decides to use them for good instead of evil" "worth a shot" Arabella whistles, and a barrel of radioactive waste is carted in. "you just happened to have that lying around?" "yeah remember when i called you depressingly naïve?" Jakey rolls his eyes as he grabs the barrel and pours the radioactive waste into the fryer. Soon, the woman is able to free herself. "oh man i thought i was a goner" "yeah and now you have the power to control oil to boot" "i do?!" The woman moves the fryer oil up and down without touching it. "OH WOW I CAN TOTALLY USE THIS TO COMMIT CRIMES!!!" "uh or you could use it to stop crimes" "potentially, yes, but i could ALSO use it to COMMIT crimes!!!" "please don't" "too late; from this day onward, i, OIL-GIRL, am now a supervillain!!!" "FUCK" "QUICK JAKEY SHOOT HER IN THE HEAD" "ARE YOU CRAZY?! THAT WILL BLOW UP THE ENTIRE CITY" "oh right" "so long and thanks for the powers!!!" Oil-Girl flies straight out of the building on a wave of fryer oil. "i am sure that this will have no negative repercussions" Michelle wanders up, carrying a barrel of fryer oil. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/a new supervillain]

Mission 046: Where the Magic Happens [Arabella]
"and THIS is the meme factory" "what" "here, our top meme scientists create the hottest new memes" "i wasn't aware that's how it worked" "oh but it is; this here is bob, he created that meme with the picture of spongebob where you capitalise random letters of each word" Jakey instinctively lays Bob the fuck out with a single punch. "he gets that a lot; this here is chester, he created the one where if you like something on a website without an upvote system, you just say 'based'" Jakey instinctively lays Chester the fuck out with a single punch. "and this here is arnold, he created the meme where it starts like 'literally no one:'" Jakey instinctively lays Arnold the fuck out with a single punch. "and this here is herbert, he created the one where a guy called 'virgin' does normal things and the guy called 'chad' does the comical opposite" Jakey pats Herbert on the back. "i'm sorry about what happened to that one; it started out so well but people didn't understand how the joke worked" "OH OH and this is oscar, he invented the emoji" "..." "..." Jakey pulls out his gun and empties an entire magazine into Oscar. "oh wait sorry that wasn't oscar it was oliver over there" Jakey reloads and empties out another magazine. "feeling better?" "yeah" "good" "so uh what's the hot new meme for 2021 going to be" "i really shouldn't tell you this but okay: we're bringing back chuck norris jokes" "i wasn't aware those even counted as jokes" "hey i'm not here to judge the memes, just to profit off of them" "the canadian dream" "so what's your favourite meme jakey" "TELL ME ABOUT BANE WHY DOES HE WEAR THE MASK" "ew that's not a real meme that's a counterfeit" "SOMEONE GET THIS HOTHEAD OUTTA HERE" A team of security guards carries Michelle over to Arabella and Jakey. "was getting caught part of your plan?!" "of course!!! dr. pavel refused to take me home"
[reward: respect +/No Hothead Zone sign appears on safehouse doors]

Mission 047: Distrustfulness [Special Agent Grace]
"jakey what are your thoughts on that river-girl woman" "she's the hero this world needs, especially recently what with all the water-themed disasters" "that's just it!!! water-based disasters have been on the rise recently; before this september, when was the last water-based disaster you can remember" "um the great flood where noah built his ark" "EXACTLY; i'll bet she's using her powers to CREATE these disasters!!!" "no no it's like when you buy a new car and all of a sudden you see a shitload of the same car on the road; it's not that there weren't many of that car before, it's because you didn't notice or pay attention" "i don't know it still seems suspicious" "you're overreactive" "oh look at this" Grace points out a news article. "that's not river-girl, that's oil-girl" "they're the same person; they have the same eyes" "but their noses are different" "they make little glasses with a nose attached" "she isn't wearing glasses" "the frames must just be clear" Jakey slaps himself on the forehead. "i'll take that as admission that i am right" "no, your argument was just so stupid that i can't possibly reply to it" "that sounds like something someone who doesn't want to admit he's wrong would say" "it's also what someone would say if he heard someone say something really stupid" "oh sure sure just keep saying that and someone will believe you" Michelle walks up to Grace and pins the 'won the argument' medal on her chest. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/'lost the argument' medal]

Mission 048: Speciality [Special Agent Grace]
"okay jakey i have lured river-girl out to a trap and i am going to ruthlessly interrogate her" "define 'ruthlessly'" "i'm going to yell a lot" "go ahead" River-Girl shows up at the intended place, and a cage falls on her head. She tries to move it with her powers. "drat; this cage is not made of water" "yes, i made it entirely out of a substance that is not water" "damn you villain!!!" "woah woah woah i'm not a villain; my name is special agent grace sherborne from the canadian government" "don't you mean 'secret agent'" "what? no there's nothing secret about it; my agency is public knowledge" "okay so you're just an agent then" "SPECIAL agent" "what makes you so special?!" "i have a document from the canadian king himself stating that i am, in fact, the most special agent of all" Grace holds up a certificate she keeps on her person. "so you weren't special until you got the document?" "no of course not; i had to pass many trials and also tribulations to become as special as i am right now" "okay fine carry on" "um wait a minute i forgot what i was going to say" Grace flips through her notes. "oh right; i am going to cover you in oil" "WHAT" "if you die, you'll prove that you are, in fact, not oil-girl but if you survive, you will be burned alive for robbing that gas station" "i don't like either of those options" "that's exactly what someone who knows she's going to be burned alive would say" "that's also what someone who knows she's going to suffocate in oil would say" "excuses" "please come on you know oil is my one weakness; can't you just light me on fire and if i'm actually oil-girl i'll combust, but if i'm just river-girl i won't ignite" "then what would i do with all this crude oil? it was very expensive" "oh man i am sorry i didn't know that not killing me would put you out so much" "glad you see it my way" Grace grabs the barrel of oil and begins to pour, but the oil shoots straight up instead. "a-HA I KNEW IT" "that wasn't me" "oh? then who was it" "her" River-Girl points upward at Oil-Girl above her. "..." "..." "you're free to go" "thanks" Grace releases River-Girl, who immediately runs away. "wait, aren't you going to fight the villain?!" "are you crazy?! i could die!!! my first supervillain, and it's the one who harnesses the power of my one weakness?! give me a fucking break i'm going home to play mario kart" "heroic" Grace trudges over to Jakey, defeated. "the good news is you were right" "then what's the bad news" "the bad news is that-" Michelle covers Grace's mouth. "you have to take me home"
[reward: respect +/oil barrel jacket]

Mission 049: Harsh Truths [Piper]
"jakey i um heard that rachel is in an asylum but surely that's a different rachel jackson, right? i tried calling her phone but she must have lost it, right? right?" "sorry to break it to you, but it's the exact same rachel jackson" "oh no how could this happen" "let's roll on down to the asylum and you can see for yourself" "okay" Jakey and Piper hop into The Motherfucker and head on down to the insane asylum, where Kathy sits behind a desk, playing with a ball and paddle. "we'd like to see rachel jackson" "fine go on" Jakey and Piper wind their way through the labyrinthian corridors of the asylum, and end up in front of Rachel's cell. "rachel?" "hello mother" "hi how are you" "pretty good; the straitjacket is actually pretty comfortable once you get used to it" "oh nice" "so i've come to a realisation: i am not cut out to be an actress" "but that was your dream and you'd finally just achieved it!!!" "but it played right in with my obsessive personality and turned me into THIS; so i am going to give up acting" "um okay what are you going to do now" "i hear fishing is a relaxing hobby" "are you going to get out any time soon?" "oh after i said that to the nurse she said i could leave any time but i just really like this room and this jacket; i think i'm going to remodel my house AND my wardrobe this way" "uh cool" "OH right jakey your sister is in the room next door waiting for you" "oh right" Jakey walks over to the next room, and sees Michelle playing with a paddleball. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Rachel missions]