Too Much of a Good Thing (2020)

Mission 000: Prologue [N/A]
Jakey wakes up with a lampshade on his head, tied to a chair. "oh MAN that was some party last night" "GOOD you're awake!!!" A man in a grey suit snatches the lampshade off of Jakey's head. "hey wait this isn't the IHOP" "very perceptive, o prince of canada" "hey thanks i've always prided myself on being a good uh perception guy" "it shows; i bet you'll even see THIS coming" The man whacks Jakey over the head with a wooden plank. "ow" "my name is chuck; give me the diamonds or i will be forced to break more planks over your head!!!" Chuck steps aside to reveal a giantic stack of wooden planks. "where'd you get all those planks" "plankz Я us was having a sale; buy one at regular price, get one at regular price" "oh shit is that still going on" "yes the sale ends friday" "aw shit man gotta get me out to the store to buy some planks" Jakey's chair begins to hop all over the place in Jakey's excitement. "struggle as you may, you will never break that rope!!! it was mastercrafted by the finest underage craftsmen in all beijing!!!" "oh damn man could you untie me please i've got to go take advantage of the bargains!!!" Suddenly, a knife falls down and cuts the rope holding Jakey's left hand. "hey thanks" "WHO-" A furious kick comes out of the blue from a man wearing his trademark cowboy hat and his autographed 'Make America Great Again' t-shirt. "SHERIFF ANTONY have you heard about the deals too!!!" "yes; we must go take advantage of these sweet deals" Sheriff Antony lays down some suppressing fire as Jakey unties his other hand. Unfortunately, Sheriff Antony can only lay down six shots before he has to reload. This gives Chuck enough time to huck his gun straight into the air, hitting a button which causes a trapdoor to open underneath his feet. Chuck falls down into his speedboat and speeds off, giggling like a madman. "is he just going to leave his planks here" "DUDE let's load this shit up into the sheriff antonymobile!!!" "fuck yes"  Michelle rapels down the rope attached to the crow's nest of the ship. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/all of the stuff you have on your save files from the 'A Thing' series/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 001: That Sinking Feeling [Sheriff Antony]
"JAKEY you'll never believe what just happened" "i got tied to a chair on a boat and beaten with a wooden plank?" "oh yeah i guess you would believe it BECAUSE IT'S BEEN HAPPENING OVER AND OVER AGAIN FOR YEARS" "i find the consistency comforting" "i think you've said that before" "i find the consistency comforting" Sheriff Antony shoots Jakey a nasty glare. "hey man as annoying as some people may find it, if we stop it, it will just be something else like boiling me in a big pot with carrots and celery" "at least i'd get a good meal out of that" "i'm pretty gamey i'd imagine" "no no the jakey in jakey stew is just for flavour you remove it when you're done and replace it with beef or pork or lamb" "oh i was worried about trying it because i didn't want to become a cannibal but maybe i'll give it a try" "i highly recommend it" Michelle enters the room and serves Jakey and Sheriff Antony a big bowl of Jakey stew. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/boiling pot t-shirt]

Mission 002: High Art [Sheriff Antony]
Jakey walks in to Sheriff Antony's house, and sees him splayed on a couch as an unfamiliar woman paints. "AND IT IS DONE" "oh boy oh boy" Sheriff Antony and Jakey crowd around the woman's painting, which is a beautiful realistic depiction of Sheriff Antony. "so what did you do with the painting" "this IS the painting silly!!!" "..." "..." Sheriff Antony's eyes narrow. "you ARE alison lacroix aren't you" "yeah" "the painter of 'jesus b/w crown of thorns'" "uh that was my ancestor who painted that" "and i guess the looks and the name passed on to you, but not any of the talent" The words cut through Alison like a knife. "uh sheriff antony that was really harsh; this is a really nice painting" "fine you can have it and also pay for it because i don't want anything to do with this" Sheriff Antony storms off, upset about wasting his time on a painter with no vision. "so um miss alison? how much for-" "keep it" Alison gloomily hands Jakey the painting and carries her art supplies to her van. She gets behind the wheel, and bangs her head on the steering wheel, single tears streaming down her face. "s-sacrebleu" Jakey just stands there, holding the painting, unable to think of anything to say. Alison finishes loading Michelle into her van. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sheriff Antony painting appears at safehouses/Alison missions]

Mission 003: The Tide is High [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey we've got reports of a superpowered individual on the streets; you go and handle it while i find an artist with talent to paint me" "can do" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives down to the site of the disturbance. Deputy Orange stands next to a wall, unable to move. "jakey oh good where's the sheriff" "not here" "dammit look at that woman!!! look at her weird superpower!!! we can't hope to stop it!!!" "she's um drinking water" "THE WATER IS FLOWING FROM THE GLASS, SAT ON THE TABLE, DIRECTLY INTO HER MOUTH" "yeah that's kind of weird but i don't know why you're panicking about it" "no need to act brave in front of me jakey i know you're just as scared as i am" Jakey does not dignify that comment with a remark. He walks over to the woman sat at the table. "hello there miss" "oh hello i was just enjoying a delicious glass of water" "i could see that; your water-drinking technique is very interesting" "i know right?! check this out" The woman flicks her finger upward, causing the water in the glass to shoot upward. "wow how do you do that" "oh well i was swimming in a river that, unbeknownst to me, was in the process of beng flooded with radioactive waste, and i gained the ability to control water, and uh blue hair" "oh how's that working out for you" "people look at me funny; i tried dying it blonde then black but neither worked" "have you tried brown" "no do you think that would work" "i don't know maybe" "hmmm" "so what have you been doing with your water powers" "just like hanging out" "oh well most of the time when people get superpowers via radiation, they become superheroes" "oh that sounds cool" "but first you need a good superhero name" "uh how about um river uh girl" "i've heard worse" Michelle grabs the glass of water from the table and pours it into her mouth. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Deputy Orange missions/River-Girl missions]

Mission 004: Suffer for Your Art [Alison]
Jakey walks into Alison's chateau to see her angrily splashing whole cans of paint onto a large canvas. "hey alison uh nice place you've got" "it was bought by one of my ancestors from the proceeds from one of her ancestors' art" "uh cool what are you up to" "making shitty-ass no-effort 'paintings' that are worth more than anything i actually try hard to create" "well-" "it's fucking bullshit is what it is; i work hard for days and days to create a detailed piece that i am 100% happy with, and no one cares BUT OH HO HO I SPLASH PAINT BUCKETS ONTO A CANVAS AND HO BOY WATCH THE MONEY ROLL RIGHT THE FUCK IN" Jakey, not knowing how to respond, looks around Alison's gallery. "hey this one is really cool" Alison turns to see what Jakey's talking about. "oh yeah that's the chateau at sunset; for months i wandered over to a hill at sunset and painted until dark; there's a very limited window there but i had to make sure i got the colours where the sun hits the side of the building right you know" Alison's temporarily bright expression turns back into one of gloom. "shame no one wanted it" "how much you want for it" "it's not for sale any more; it will just sit there and remind me how awful the art world is" "why don't you just stop then" "do you see this 'painting' i'm 'working on' right now" "yeah" "well the last one i did was sold at auction for ten million canadian fun bux" "jesus christ" "they kept saying 'oh look at all the emotion in this piece' when it was just frustration from people not liking my actual paintings" "well that is an emotion" "it's bullshit" "well that too" Michelle walks in front of the canvas just as Alison hucks another bucket of paint at it. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/paint blotch t-shirt]

Mission 005: Happiness is a Commodity [Alison]
"hey alison what are you up to" "crying in a corner" "oh well um you seemed lonely and sad so i brought over someone else who is lonely and wants a friend; this is jean" "hi" "um hi" "i like your paintings" "really?" "yeah that one with all the paint blotches is really neat" "..." "..." Alison resumes crying in the corner. "what what did i say" Jakey takes Jean over to the side and whispers in her ear. "ohhhhhhhhh don't worry i can fix this" Jean snaps her fingers, and all of a sudden it is one minute ago. "really?" "yeah that one of the chateau in the sunset is really nice" Alison, in awe, and not knowing Jean's original statement, runs over and gives Jean a big hug. Jean shoots Jakey a sly wink. "so what do you do jean" "i used to be a genie but now i'm not and i don't really know anyone" "a genie?!" "oh yeah is there anything you want to do or see or have" "i'd like to see someone who is perfectly happy with her life" "can do!!!" Jean snaps her fingers, and she, Alison, and Jakey are transported to the nearest person who is perfectly happy with her life. It is a blonde woman taking a bubblebath. "GAH" "GAH" "GAH" "hello there miss" "h-hi wh-what are you doing in my house" "um CONGRATULATIONS YOU'VE WON A uh uh" Jakey lightly slaps Jean on the back. "OH you've won a uh" Jean snaps her fingers and conjures the first thing she can think of. "a brand new car!!!" "..." "..." "how am i going to get it out of my bathroom" "oh uh" Jean snaps her fingers again, teleporting the car down to the woman's driveway. "oh thanks" "so what's your name" "scarlett" "wow cool i'm jakey here's my phone number" "uh thanks" Wanting to be polite, Scarlett gives Jakey her own phone number. "let's do this again sometime" "uh sure" Jean snaps her fingers, and she, Alison, and Jakey are teleported right to Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jean missions/Scarlett missions]

Mission 006: A Change in Vocation [Alison]
"jakey i have realised something: if i'm not happy being a painter maybe i should be something else" "oh wow i didn't expect you to realise that so soon; i had prepared a bunch of painter jokes" "such as?" "okay okay: why did the paintbrush cross the road" "why" "to van gogh to the other side!!!" Alison instinctively slaps Jakey across the face. "i deserved that one" "ANYWAY: if i become something else either A: i will find something i actually like to do, or B: i will realise that painting is so much better than everything else i try, so i win no matter what" "what if you're killed in an accident" "then i'll be dead and i won't be sad any more so win-win-win" "fair enough; what's your first new vocation" "well i signed up for this website that gives me a new one each day and my first one is 'synergistic business analyst' but i have no idea what that is" "neither does anyone else you'll be fine" "all right let's move out!!!" "what i am going for" "well i need a ride; it's not like i have a car" "fine fine" Jakey and Alison hop into The Motherfucker and drive down to Big Business Incorporated, where Kathy sits behind a desk filing her nails. Without stopping her filing, she motions for Sara to brief Alison on her task. "welcome miss lacroix; you are here representing technology ltd's bid for us to use their technology in our business; miss thompson over there is here representing innovations llc in their same bid" Olivia waves from across the room. "you'll both go into the briefing room and give impassioned speeches in favour of your company's technology" "got it" "good now get in there" Olivia and Alison enter the briefing room, where Taylor is chewing on an ancient stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "each of you will speak into a microphone wired to one of my ears; i will decide based on that" Alison and Olivia begin spouting all the buzzwords they can, stressing each one in the hopes that it will drown out the other girl's buzzwords. After fifteen minutes of impassioned buzzwords, Taylor lifts his hand. "i have made my decision; the company we will choose is michelle industries" "WHAT" Michelle walks up to Taylor and shakes his hand. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Olivia missions]

Mission 007: A Second Try [Alison]
"so what's your next cool vocation" "oh man it's the greatest ever!!! ice cream taster!!!" "oh man" "let's go let's go i'm so excited" Alison and Jakey vibrate out to The Motherfucker, and cruise down to Ice Creamz Я Us, where Shopkeepour stands behind the counter, chewing a fresh stick of Icebreakers chewing gum. "hello i am here to taste ice cream" "oh good; we've got a lot of flavours to get through" Shopkeepour leads Alison and Jakey into the backroom. "here's a pallate cleanser, plain vanilla" Alison and Jakey happily eat their small bowl of vanilla ice cream. "that was really good" "good; next is our newest flavour, cinnamon" "a bit strange but i can dig it" Alison and Jakey eat away at the cinnamon ice cream. "wow that was great" Shopkeepour hands them both more vanilla to cleanse their pallates. "next is an experimental flavour; tell us what you think" Alison and Jakey grab a big spoonful of the ice cream in front of them, and immediately begin to throw up. "I HAVE NEVER TASTED ANYTHING SO FOUL BEFORE" "JUST LET ME DIE, CRUEL GOD" "okay, so that's a 'no' to flour-flavoured ice cream" Shopkeepour passes Jakey and Alison yet another cup of vanilla. It's gone in less than a second. "next up we have another experimental flavour" Alison and Jakey hesitate, but each grab a big spoonful of the new ice cream. "oh um" "this is weird" "maybe my standards are just really low but it's not bad after that last one" "so a resounding 'maybe' to steak-flavoured ice cream" Shopkeepour places yet another bowl of vanilla ice cream down, and it's devoured almost as quickly as the last one. "final bowl; give it a taste" Jakey and Alison dig in. Alison seems satisfied, but Jakey is a bit confused. "this taste is very familiar; comforting, but i can't place it" "i like it a lot" "okay, above-average reaction to michelle-flavoured ice cream" Michelle pops up and scoops more ice cream into the bowls. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/ice cream t-shirt]

Mission 008: Third Time's the Harm [Alison]
"so what's your next cool vocation" "assassin" "not into it?" "i've never killed anyone before" "really? at your age? you're like 22 right?" "24" "even worse; i had my first kill at 11" "what why" "guy looked at me funny" "bu-" "turns out he was on the fbi's most wanted list so i got a medal and everything" Alison is at a loss for words. "so who do they want you to kill" "some other assassin named sophia drake" "wow that's a new one; so are you going to go through with it" "i don't really want to" "oh cool i just got a great idea watch this" Jakey calls up Sophia, and she enters the chateau with her zipline. "hey jakey what's all this you said about a contract" Jakey hands Sophia the contract. "oh wow this is a unique one i'll give it my best shot" Sophia pulls out her sidearm and holds it up to her temple. "i can't do it" "yes you can i believe in you" "i don't want to die" "the obvious solution is to set a bunch of traps in your house; so many that you forget some of them and accidentally kill yourself" "now THERE'S an idea; i'll get to work on it right away" Sophia ziplines back out of the chateau. "what a strange woman" "you haven't even begun to see how strange" Michelle walks up to Jakey and hands him a contract. "it says here there is a zero alabama fun bux bounty on taking me home"
[reward: respect +/Sophia missions]

Mission 009: Culture Gap [Deputy Orange]
"ching CHONG chong chong CHING" As Deputy Orange tries hard to get through to his guest, she looks at him like he's an insane man. Jakey walks nto the room, and Deputy Orange rushes over to quietly tell him the situation. "i've got an important dignitary here from china but apparently my chinese is really rusty because she is not understanding a single thing i am saying; can you give it a try" "okay i'll give it a shot" Jakey walks over to the woman sitting at the table. "hello" "oh hi" "my name's jakey, prince of canada/alabamanian detective/etc." "i'm wu huiqing, chinese diplomat to alabama; what was that other guy's problem" "he was trying to speak to you in your native tongue" "oh well i didn't understand his accent" Deputy Orange slaps himself on the face. "why didn't you tell me you spoke english" "you didn't ask" Deputy Orange slaps himself on the face again. "so what brings you to alabama" "oh right i'm here to do a cultural exchange; i'll give you this basket of chinese food if you'll give me a basket of alabamanian food" "do you have any preferences" "pizza and hamburgers" "okay let's do it" Deputy Orange orders some hamburgers and pizzas, then he, Jakey, and Wu Huiqing dig in to their respective gifts. "so was this a government thing or were you just hungry" "can't it be both" Michelle slaps a huge plate of spaghetti down onto the table. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Wu Huiqing missions]

Mission 010: A Detective's Work is Never Done [Deputy Orange]
"jakey you're just in time; we've got a true mystery on our hands here" Jakey falls onto his back instinctively. "MYSTERY?!" Erin falls from the ceiling and lands on top of Jakey, but the flabby part rather than the spine. "are you still mad" "oh no my anger is a thing of the past; right now i am only here to solve the mystery" "oh uh good" "so what's the mystery this time deputy" "it's not just a mystery!!! it is also an engima!!! it is very surreptitious!!!" "WHAT IS IT MAN" "the mystery is: i cannot remember where i left my car keys" "..." "..." "they're on your fucking belt loop" "oh!!! so they are!!! thank you miss!!!" Deputy Orange hands Erin a crisp twenty Alabama Fun Bux note. "so this is what my life has become" Michelle walks up and hands Deputy Orange a second set of keys. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/car keys t-shirt]

Mission 011: I Need a Hero [River-Girl]
"hello river-girl thanks for inviting me to the river-cave" "uh this is my apartment" "it can be both things" "okay so check it out" River-Girl puts on a wig and a green collared shirt. "now i am my mild-mannered alter-ego!!! rebecca roberts!!!" "is it a rule that superheroes need to have alliterative names" "you know, that's a good question" "another good question is why are you telling me all your secrets" "well uh i was hoping you could be my mission control" "like, check the crime radar and inform you of crimes that are near water?" "yeah!!!" "that does sound kind of fun" "that's the spirit!!!" Rebecca takes off her wig and shirt, revealing her heroic uniform underneath. "okay i'm going to hit the streets" "got it" River-Girl leaps out the front door while Jakey sits down at the crime computer, which allows him to tap into various cameras around the city. "okay there's a crime happening at the intersection of burgundy street and electric avenue" "on it" River-Girl rushes out to the busy intersection, and sees Gwendolyn being blasted across the street by one of Morgan's crew (Jakey can't tell which one because his feed is black and white). "STOP RIGHT THERE VILLAIN" "pfft what are you supposed to be" "JUSTICE INCARNATE" "pfft you ain't got shit on me" The hipster raises his bottle of Limonagua Pure Water to his lips. River-Girl smirks and uses her powers to blast the water straight into the hipster's lungs, drowning him to death. "i did it!!!" While River-Girl celebrates, Gwendolyn walks over to the hipster and kicks his corpse repeatedly. "what did that dirty hipster want with you citizen" "well he bumped into me and didn't apologise so i called him a hurtful name and he just attacked me!!! i swear some people need to grow thicker skin" "yes indeed citizen" River-Girl attempts to fly away, then remembers that that isn't one of her powers, so she catches a taxi. Meanwhile, from underneath River-Girl's laundry emerges a Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 012: Beach Bum [River-Girl]
Jakey sits at the crime radar, looking for crimes around the beach where River-Girl is patrolling. "hey crime in progress; three o'clock" "okay" "aren't you going to go help" "it's only 2:40" Jakey slaps his face with his palm. "turn to your right" "oh OH" River-Girl rushes up to yet another hipster-looking man kicking a sandcastle. "YOU FUCKER I WILL KILL YOU" "stand down citizen; river-girl is here to save the day!!!" "okay just let me get one punch in first" Candice winds up and levels a huge blow onto the hipster's face. "pfft nice punch lady" The hipster pops a vaping stick into his mouth. "you tried your best citizen now watch how a hero gets it done!!!" River-Girl creates a gigantic wave, which lunges at the hipster and carries him out to sea. "now he will drift out at sea until his arms give out whereupon he will drown" "oh thank you river-girl; you are the hero this city needs" "thanks!!!" Candice goes back to looking for more high-quality sand to build a castle with. Michelle dumps a bucket of it right onto her head. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Candice missions]

Mission 013: Docking Points [River-Girl]
Jakey sits at the crime radar, looking for crimes around the pier where River-Girl is patrolling. "hey crime in progress; around 5:27-ish" River-Girl turns to her left. "that's 7:48" River-Girl continues turning left until she sees yet another hipster throwing Violet off the side of a ship, leaving her bobbing in the water inside her trash can. "DO NOT WORRY CITIZEN I WILL SAVE YOU" River-Girl creates a small wave, washing Violet up onto the dock. "hey thanks" "do not mention it; now for the criminal" River-Girl rocks the waves harder and harder until the boat flings the hipster out onto the dock, slamming down onto the wood headfirst, cracking open his skull and killing him instantly. "wow that was the most heroic thing i've ever seen" "indeed indeed citizen" "mind if i get a few pictures for an article" "oh not at all" As Violet takes pictures of River-Girl, Michelle pops into the background of each one. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Violet missions]

Mission 014: Drunk and Belligerent [River-Girl]
Jakey sits at the crime radar, looking for crimes around the lakefront where River-Girl is patrolling. "oh no" "what is it what's happening" "drunk and belligerent individual, six o'clock" River-Girl spins 180, and sees Rachel drunkenly stumbling around the lakefront, disturbing the peace. "uh citizen maybe you've had enough to drink" "i ain't EVEN HAD but a couple DOZEN and WHAT'S it to YOU anyway you ain't a cop" "no, but i am a super hero!!! and super heroes don't let citizens drink themselves to death!!!" "i'll drink YOU to death lady" Rachel flips over the bottle and swings downward toward River-Girl. River-Girl, however, controls the droplets of liquid left inside the bottle, slamming them into the upper side of the bottle, and flipping Rachel down onto her back, and knocking her out cold. "come on let's get you home" River-Girl grabs Rachel's unconscious body and carries her off to the address listed inside her wallet. "SPEAKING OF TAKING PEOPLE HOME" Michelle emerges from underneath River-Girl's bedding. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Rachel missions]

Mission 015: Normalcy [River-Girl]
"after a long day of heroing, it's nice to unwind and relax as my mild-mannered alter ego" "why is it that the only time anyone uses the term 'mild-mannered' it's to describe a superhero's secret identity" "oh that's a good point maybe i should stop referring to myself as mild-mannered" "yeah you should be loud and obnoxious instead" "you can't change the nature of a man (i assume that also applies to women) and my nature is definitely mild" "fair enough" "so what should i do on the day-to-day to seem normal and unassuming" "absolutely nothing" "what" "think about it: the less people who know about rebecca roberts, the less people who will connect the fact that your voice, eyes, and mannerisms are the same" "oh yeah that would be a pretty big tell i guess but what if i made my voice all low like this" "then they'd definitely know something was up because that voice is horrible" "oh so i should just be a shut-in then?" "yeah just play some videogames and uh post on mongolian basket-weaving forums or something i don't know" "i have always liked baskets" "that's the spirit" Michelle walks into the room and presents River-Girl with a basket she'd weaved herself. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/mongolian basket-weaving forum t-shirt]

Mission 016: Long-Held Desires [Jean]
"so how has your first year of being free from that lamp treated you" "i mostly just sat around in my apartment and watched netflix" "oh well did you watch anything good" "i watched this show about a kid who wanted to be the very best like no one ever was but it was apparently cancelled after one season, then brought back two decades later with a really shitty artstyle" "i think netflix just doesn't have the rights to show seasons 2 through 19" "why" "hell if i understand corporate suits" "well i was very disappointed when the boy never even got to face his rival" "so is there anything you actually want to go and do" "i don't know" "you're a really boring person you know that" "and what did you do with your life this past summer" "i uh played videogames and posted on a vietnamese paper-folding forum" "riveting" "summer is a bad example; no sane person would willingly go out into that heat" "okay fine you want to go do something?" "like what" "how should i know i've been stuck in a lamp for centuries" "I HAVE AN IDEA" Michelle pops up from underneath the couch cushions. "you should take me home!!!"
[reward: respect +/plain white t-shirt]

Mission 017: They Say That Friends are Friends to the Bitter End [Jean]
"okay jakey i have decided that i need more friends; i've only found a couple and i could really use some more friends to watch netflix with or whatever friends do" "okay so what's your plan" "give me your cellular phone i know you've got loads of women stockpiled on there" Jakey hands Jean his phone, and she begins to swipe through all his contacts. "an orc a vampire jesus are you just ticking off items on a list" "no comment" "so gravediggers are lonely right" "nah she keeps busy with her gravedigging, professional comic drawing, and her dj career" "that's ridiculous; no one can juggle that many things" "it's more common than you think" "let me guess: the vampire also is a professional videogame streamer and owns a cereal company" "no she sold the cereal company" "oh of course" Jean continues scrolling. "who's this noriko woman" "oh that's my maid; she just hangs out all day and watches netflix" "oh that might work" "well that depends: do you cry at the end of every movie where a dog dies" "y-yeah" "then you'll do great together" "have you ever met someone who doesn't cry when the dog dies?!" "one time i watched a dog movie with jezzie and she started laughing when the dog died" "i really should have guessed" Michelle trots up wearing a dog costume. "bark take me home"
[reward: respect +/Valerie missions/Noriko missions/Jezzie missions]

Mission 018: Soaking it All In [Scarlett]
"jakey i am going to take a bath; i would appreciate it if you would stand outside the door and make sure nothing disturbs me ALSO: do not look or come into the bathroom unless i yell the word 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "riboflavin got it" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫where it began, i can't begin to knowin'♫" As Jakey bops along to the tune, Ruth climbs up the stairs. "BUBBLY BATH INSP-" Jakey grabs Ruth and covers her mouth so she can't disturb Scarlett. "♫SWEET CAROLINE BUM BUM BUM GOOD TIMES NEVER SEEMED SO GOOD♫" "what the FUCK jakey" "scarlett asked not to be disturbed" "well too bad it's time for a bubbly bath inspection" "i can't let you in" "give me one good reason why" "we're in canada; out of your jurisdiction" "wha-" Ruth looks at her clipboard. "oh SHIT you're right i misread this address" "i'll say" "sorry for the confusion" Ruth bows to Jakey and stamps a "FAILED" stamp onto her own forehead before leaving. Scarlett's bubbly bath completes without a hitch. "thanks jakey i hope you'll be my bubbly bath guard again soon!!!" "sounds good" Scarlett drains the tub, revealing Michelle under the bubbles. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Ruth missions]

Mission 019: Nothing but Bubbles [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫uptown girl she's been livin' in her uptown world♫" Jakey bops along to the tune, until it suddenly stops. "RIBOFLAVIN RIBOFLAVIN" Jakey slams through the door and gazes in horror as the water from the bath has overtaken the entire room. Jakey is swept into the depths, and sinks like a rock to the floor. Scarlett floats at the top of the room, which is almost full of water. "IF ONLY THERE WERE SOME KIND OF WATER-THEMED SUPERHERO WE COULD CALL" Scarlett's words resonate inside Jakey, and he pulls out his phone and calls mild-mannered Rebecca Roberts, the alter ego of the superheroine River-Girl. "hey jakey what's up" Jakey doesn't answer, as he is busy drowning. "oh no there must have been some kind of water-themed disaster!!! DON'T WORRY I'M COMING" Rebecca Roberts tears off her civilian clothes and rides a tidal wave all the way to Canada, arriving inside Scarlett's bathroom before Scarlett drowns. Jakey, however, was not so lucky, and has drowned six times already. River-Girl uses her mighty powers to expell the water from the room out the window, including the water making everyone's clothes and hair wet. "THANK YOU SO MUCH I THOUGHT I WAS A GONER" Scarlett runs over to River-Girl and gives her a big hug. The hug is made incredibly awkward due to the fact that Scarlett is still naked from the bath. "um you're welcome citizen" "how did this even happen" "oh i uh got so excited about my bath that i forgot to turn off the water" "oh that explains it" "not a mistake i will make again!!!" "okay but if you do, be sure to call RIVER-GIRL" "will do!!!" Michelle falls to the floor from the ceiling. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/River-Girl missions]

Mission 020: All Washed Up [Scarlett]
"okay jakey same drill as last time; guard my bath and only come in if i yell 'RIBOFLAVIN'" "you can count on me" Scarlett turns and grabs her rubber ducky and heads into the bath. She begins to sing a jolly tune. "♫boy mercury shooting through every degree♫" Jakey bops along to the tune, until a well-dressed older woman appears. "hello young man i am here to see my neice" "scarlett?" "yes!!!" "she's currently in the bath" "♫TAKE IT HIP-TO-HIP ROCKET THROUGH THE WILDERNESS♫" "cool thanks for warning me now i'll just go in-" "NO i was given express instructions to NOT let anyone in" "surely those rules are just for salesmen and inspectors, not for family!!!" "she told me it applies to absolutely everyone" "what a rude girl" "you can take it up with her AFTER the bath" "come on young man i'll make it worth your while" "your milfy charms won't work on me woman" "oh? not even if i do this?" The woman flicks her aristocratly cape behind her shoulders and reveals a large rack of cleavage. "those are really nice but i've seen bigger" "WHAT my breasts are the largest in all canada!!!" "WHAT NO" All of a sudden, Jakey's loyal bodyguard, Grace, drops from within a vent. "MINE ARE WAY BIGGER" "no way kid" The woman holds up her Canadian Bustiness trophy. "ladies don't worry; as with all things, there's an app for that" Jakey pulls out his phone and opens Piper's breast size calculator app, taking pictures of both women sticking out their breasts. Soon, Piper sends Jakey the results. "well what do you know; both pairs of breasts are the EXACT same size down to the nanometre!!!" "..." "..." "how is that possible" "yeah i want a recount" "the results of the app are 100% guaranteed to be 100% accurate" Just then, Scarlett exits her bathroom. "thanks jakey i-oh hello aunt arabella and uh lady i've never met before" "oh um i'm grace nice to meet you" "um you as well" "oh good scarlett i needed to tell you all about the weird dog i saw" As Scarlett and her aunt Arabella walk off, Michelle approaches wearing a weird dog costume. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Arabella missions/Special Agent Grace missions/Piper missions]

Mission 021: Precious Gift from Above [Olivia]
"jakey it's awful" "so i've heard" "my parents wanted a new baby so they asked the storc for one and when he arrived something was wrong with him" "is he deformed?" "no his outsides are fine; his skin a healthy green" "heart defect?" "no no the problem is that the baby is STUPID" "..." "..." "babies uh tend to be stupid" "maybe your pitiful human babies, but not orcish babies; why, when i was his age, i was already playing the bongoes and singing the orcish national anthem" "maybe his talents lie elsewhere" "he can't add or subtract, he can't balance on a beam, and he can't even talk very well" "let me see this baby" Olivia leads Jakey over to the crib. Jakey spits into a napkin and begins rubbing the baby's skin, rubbing the green right off of him, revealing pale white skin beneath. "WHAT THE FUCK THAT'S NOT AN ORCISH BABY" Olivia grabs the baby and winds up a devastating throw. "WHAT THE FUCK LIU BEI DON'T THROW THE BABY" "it is a LIAR a DECEIVER" "no, the storc lied to you, this baby is just as much a victim as you are" "fine you take it" Olivia shoves the baby into Jakey's arms and storms off, ready to give that storc a piece of her mind. "what the fuck i don't know anything about babies" Jakey sighs and pulls out his walkie-talkie. "grace i've got a code lambda here" Grace springs into action and grabs the baby from Jakey's arms, whisking it away to the nearest fire station. Michelle drives up in a big red firetruck. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Liu Bei: World Champion Baby Chucker t-shirt]

Mission 022: Catching Yourself Unawares [Sophia]
Jakey walks in to Sophia's apartment to find her setting down bear traps and covering them with rugs and blankets. "uh-" "oh jakey check it out when i accidentally step in a bear trap, it will also trigger a gigantic log to swing in and crush my head against the wall" "that sounds a lot very painful" "yeah well i've got to catch myself unawares to collect the bounty you know" "why not just shoot yourself in the head and get done with it" "i'm scared" "then just like stop" "..." "..." Sophia sets down another bear trap. "jakey if i stay dead, i want you to take care of mr shooty for me" "you're ridiculous" Sophia passes Mr. Shooty over to Jakey. Thinking this whole thing is retarded, Jakey aims Mr. Shooty at Sophia and pulls the trigger. Nothing happens. "i thought sophia took care of this thing" As soon as Jakey moves the barrel away from Sophia, Mr. Shooty fires the round that Jakey shot. "what" "mr shooty would never hurt me; nice try though" Exhausted, Sophia falls down onto her bed. She forgot, however, that she placed bear traps all over the length of her bed, which crush her head, chest, and thighs, killing her. "congratulations" Jakey begins to clap as he waits for Jezzie to appear. She doesn't. "well i guess sophia's dead, for good this time" Since Jakey told her about the contract, Jakey is technically responsible for her death, along with the person that requested the assassination. "welp time to collect my payout i guess" Jakey heads to the address on the contract, and finds Jezzie playing the organ. "wait what" "yes, i was the one who ordered the assassination of that assassin!!!" "why though she was working for you" "she was completely useless; she only managed to kill one guy and even that took her several tries" "she was doing her best" "well now she has actually HELPED me!!! now you've got blood on your hands!!!" "uh have you been paying attention? i've got lots of blood on my hands" "w-well THIS blood is like someone you cared about!!!" "eh" "EH?!" Jakey shrugs. "oh for fuck's sake" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and disappears. "HEY WHERE'S MY REWARD MONEY" A snapping noise is heard, and a pile of money falls onto Jakey, as well as Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/pile of money/Mr. Shooty weapon]

Mission 023: The End [Sophia]
"we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of one sophia drake, orphaned assassin; she wanted to have outkast play 'hey ya' at her funeral but that sounded really expensive so i decided to just buy the CD and play it here but man have you seen how expensive CDs are these days?! so i decided to just illegally download it but then i thought 'man i don't want to go to jail for THIS' so i decided to learn the song's lyrics and sing it myself but then i saw that the song talks about shaking your polaroid pictures and that's not good for the pictures at all so i decided instead to do nothing" Father Brucie gives a short speech for the only three people in attendance, Jakey, Mr. Shooty, and Valerie, who had dug the grave and was particularly proud of it. "may god have mercy on her soul" "thank you father" "i-i d-don't understand j-j-jakey; can't you h-heal people b-by bleeding o-on them" "..." "..." "SHIT I FORGOT" "i-i-i c-can d-dig her up i-if y-you'd like" "no it's too late she's already been embalmed only magic can un-embalm someone" "s-so ask th-the great ch-cheryl t-to do it" "she'd never go for it; sophia tried to kill her once" "o-oh" "honestly, though, the turnout for this funeral should tell you everything you need to know" "y-yeah" Michelle walks up and places her hand on Jakey's shoulder. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Father Brucie missions/The Great Cheryl missions]

Mission 024: An Important Part of Diplomacy [Wu Huiqing]
"jakey i need to see your king as part of my diplomacy mission" "wait do you mean MY king, or the king of alabama" "i assumed they were the same king" "no i'm canadian" "oh um sorry i need to see alabama's king" "okay let's roll" Jakey and Wu Huiqing hop into The Motherfucker and drive out for the castle, where King Bran sits upon his throne, playing his GameBoy Advance. "hey king bran what are you playing" "wario land 4" "nice nice; i have a chinese diplomat here to see you" "oh does she like wario" "i don't know what that is" "WHAT" King Bran whistles for Emelyn, who prepares the slideshow. "wario is the main rival to mario, hero of the mushroom kingdom" King Bran goes on, slide after slide, about Wario for hours. "that's all for today; tomorrow we'll talk about waluigi" "um cool but i came here to give you a basket of chicken teriyaki as a friendship gift between our two countries" "oh boy" Wu Huiqing places the basket by the throne, and King Bran, Emelyn, Jakey, and Michelle dig in to delicious chicken teriyaki. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions/Emelyn missions]