Nothing (2006)

Mission 050: Let the Children Use It [Ted Starbucks]
"okay now we need a foreman" "but i she i we but-" Ted Starbucks smacks Jakey across the face. "thanks i needed that" "go find us a foreman to lead the construction" "on it" Jakey hops onto his tricycle and rides to Foremanz Я Us, where Taylor stands behind the counter, chewing a nonexistent stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "hello would you like a foreman today" "yes i would like your best foreman" "that will be 10000000000000000$" "uh how about a pretty good foreman" "100$" "uh can i write you a cheque" "no" "do you take credit cards" "no" "do you accept ANY alternate forms of payment" "i'm kind of hungry" "BE RIGHT BACK" Jakey hops onto his tricycle and tears off to Chef Amiee :3's house. Jakey pounds on the door. "CHEF AMIEE :3 OPEN UP IT'S AN EMERGENCY" Chef Amiee :3 opens the door, but Jakey doesn't stop pounding. "ow stop ow" "oh sorry" "what is so important that it necessitates beating me up" "i need food do you know any chefs" "yeah, me" "now is not the time for jokes" "jakey i am totally a real chef now; i even have a secretary" "but chefs don't have secretaries" "they don't?! you're fired kathy" "goddammit" Kathy grabs her things and mopes out the door. "prove that you are a chef by making me food" "i may be a chef but i don't make food for just anyone; you'd better have a good reason for me to do this" "it's so we can build the world's largest starbucks" Chef Amiee :3 sprints to the kitchen and makes her signature dish, Whatever I Could Find Lying Around the Kitchen Thrown into a Medium-Sized Pile. "PERFECT" Jakey grabs the Whatever I Could Find Lying Around the Kitchen Thrown into a Medium-Sized Pile and throws it into the basket on his tricycle, then he heads for Foremanz Я Us. "I GOT YOU FOOD" "oh man, whatever i could find lying around the kitchen thrown into a medium-sized pile!!! my favourite!!!" Taylor devours the Whatever I Could Find Lying Around the Kitchen Thrown into a Medium-Sized Pile and hands Jakey a slip of paper. "your foreman will be delivered tomorrow" "sweet" Michelle emerges from the Whatever I Could Find Lying Around the Kitchen Thrown into a Medium-Sized Pile. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Chef Amiee :3 missions]

Mission 051: Let All the Children Boogie [Ted Starbucks]
"it's done" Ted Starbucks steps back from his magnum opus, the world's largest Starbucks, a single tear streaming down his cheek. "i have finally made my father, ken starbucks proud" "r.i.p." "so hey since nothing my company ever does can top this, i am giving the company to you before the stock dries up and becomes worthless" "wait wha-" "BYE" Ted Starbucks drives off in his Super GT. "what" "hey are we getting paid" A slip of paper floats by in the wind. "because uh i was told we were getting paid" Michelle pops out of the chimney of the Starbucks. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Starbucks paycheck ($2,885/week)/Construction Candice missions]

Mission 052: Schematic Skirmish [Crazy Svart]
"jakey i am planning on making my most ambitious business yet!!!" "oh boy" "i just need some schematics that should be arriving in the mail soon" "oh hey look it's the mail truck" Crazy Svart waddles out to the mailbox and pulls his package out. "oh boy oh boy" Crazy Svart tears into his package. "what is this thing" Crazy Svart pulls Robert Truckdriver 11 out of the package by ths scruff of his neck. "Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Our Plan Worked Without A Hitch And You Will Never Suspect That We Stole Your Schematics And Took Them To Our Top-Secret Base Located Just Down The Street And Easily Located By The Hanukkah Decorations That Are Very Out Of Season" "dammit he's covered every angle!!!" "guess i'll have to wing it then" "Oh Damn Our Plan Did Not Account For Winging It" Robert Truckdriver 11 pulls out his radio. "Eleven To Base: The Eagle Has Taken Flight; I Repeat: The Eagle Has Taken Flight" "What" "I Don't Get It" "He's Winging It" "Oh Fuck" "Oh Shit" "Our Plan Is Ruined" "Damn His Brilliant Tactical Mind" Robert Truckdriver 11 mopes out the door, and Michelle falls from the sky and lands on him. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Paul McCartney and Wings t-shirt]

Mission 053: Location, Location, Uh... What Was That Other Thing? [Crazy Svart]
"okay jakey i have found a location for my new business; unfortunately there is currently a thing occupying that space" "THEY ARE STANDING IN THE WAY OF PROGRESS" "i'm glad you feel that way because it's that graveyard with all the vampires" "..." "..." "fuck" "don't be afraid; just bring some steaks" Crazy Svart chucks some porterhouse into the basket of Jakey's tricycle. "get to it" Jakey hops onto his tricycle and pedals to the graveyard. "oh hey jakey uh wh-what are you doing with those steaks" "b-burying them where no one can use them against innocent vampires" "that is so sweet + thoughtful of you" "th-thanks" Jakey dumps the steaks into an open grave. "hey uh my crypt is getting fumigated because of the roach problem; can i stay with you for a while" "you do know that roaches can cause structural damage that will cost tens of thousands of alabama fun bux to fix, right" "n-no i didn't" "hmm you'd better get all your stuff and come stay with me forever so that you don't have to pay such outrageous repair bills" "good idea; that's what i like about you; you have good ideas sometimes (not often though)" Gwendolyn grabs her bags and hops onto Jakey's tricycle. "we should give the deed to the graveyard to someone who will turn it into a theme park or a shoe store or something" "sounds good" Gwendolyn hands the deed to Jakey, who folds it into a paper airplane and chucks it to Crazy Svart. Michelle pops out of an open grave covered in steaks. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 054: Trailer Trouble [Crazy Svart]
"WELCOME to the grand opening of CRAZY SVART'S USED TRAILER PARKS" Crazy Svart cuts the ribbon on his new business just as a tornado tears through the lot. "..." "..." "welp i guess it's time to sample the stock of my other new business, crazy svart's used cyanide capsules" "good idea" Crazy Svart walks off, dejected, as Michelle hits him with her car. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/trailer t-shirt]

Mission 055: No Rest for the Weary [Chef Amiee :3]
"jakey i need a restaurant so that people will take me seriously as a chef" "can't you be one of those travelling chefs" "what those don't exist" "they totally do though" "there is no wikipedia article on travelling chefs, therefore they do not exist" "drat foiled again by your impeccable logic" Jakey and Chef Amiee :3 hop onto Jakey's tricycle and head to Restaurantz Я Us, where Taylor stands behind the counter, chewing or not chewing a stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "hello i would like a restaurant" "YOU look like a discerning customer with esquisite taste; you will not settle for anything less than our best" "yes that is true" "it is true if by 'best' you mean 'cheapest'" "JAKEY you cannot buy a cheap restaurant!!! it might have ghosts" "yeah, ghosts are a real problem these days" "BEHOLD the restaurant master 6000" "what's it do" "... do?" "jakey restaurants don't 'do' anything" "yeah don't be silly" "s-sorry" "i'll take it" "that will be 10000000000000000000000000$" "jakey pay the man" "what no you do it" "but jakey it is my birthday" "no, your birthday is 29 february and it's not even a leap year" "oh sorry i meant it's YOUR birthday" "oh fair enough" Jakey hands Taylor 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Alabama Fun Bux. "thank you for your business" Michelle stumbles out of the restaurant with her arm around a ghost. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/restaurant t-shirt]

Mission 056: I Just Cannot Bear [Chef Amiee :3]
"jakey i have got my first customers!!! unfortunately they are bears and i am terrified of bears" "wow that is certainly a problem well nice seeing you goodbye" Jakey spins about on his heel and heads to the door, where more bears are gathered. "... chef amiee :3 um call the police" "way ahead of" The Police arrive at the restaurant. "ALL RIGHT NOBODY MOVE; YOU BEARS ARE ALL UNDER ARREST" Sting, Andy Summers, and Stewart Copeland encircle the bears wearing full riot gear. "sh-shouldn't there be more of you" "... m-more? cloning doesn't exist yet" Sting pulls out the latest invention from Gingrich Industries, the handcuff gun, and fires it at all the bears, detaining them where they stand. "well that was BEARly a challenge" "yeah they couldn't BEAR our power" Michelle takes off the head of her bear costume. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/bear t-shirt/bear jacket/Sting missions]

Mission 057: Prized Pile [Chef Amiee :3]
"jakey i have got my second customers!!! unfortunately they are robert truckdriver clones and won't stop bugging me to tell them the recipe for my signature dish" "you mean whatever i could find lying around the kitchen thrown into a medium-sized pile?" "yeah; if the secret of how to make whatever i could find lying around the kitchen thrown into a medium-sized pile got out, i'd be ruined" "Hey Could You Tell Us The Secret Of How To Make Whatever I Could Find Lying Around The Kitchen Thrown Into A Medium-Sized Pile" "no" "Okay I Will Ask Again In Five Minutes" "jakey make him leave" "uh hey sir sir could you please leave" "Oh Okay" Robert Truckdriver 14 leaves the restaurant. "why didn't i think of that" A ringing sound is heard, and Chef Amiee :3 goes to take Michelle out of the oven. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/timer t-shirt]

Mission 058: Desperate Times [Construction Candice]
"jakey we have run out of buildings to build so we need you to destroy buildings that are already there so that we can build them again" "that sounds logical" Jakey hops into a wrecking ball and begins smashing apartments. "hey that's my home" "but we need to clear the land so we can make an identical building where this building used to be" "oh carry on" Deputy Orange stands to the side with his hands folded as the building falls to the ground. "so when does building start" "well first we need to get building permission from the king, then we need to acquire building materials, then we have to wait for the materials to get inspected, so i'd say about nine years" "oh fair enough" Michelle rises from the rubble of the apartment complex. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/apartment t-shirt/wrecking ball t-shirt/hard hat t-shirt/Deputy Orange missions]

Mission 059: Only One Way to Find Out [Construction Candice]
"okay jakey we need to get permission from king bran to rebuild the apartment complex SO DON'T FUCK IT UP" "who me" "YES YOU, MISTER WRECKING BALL" "but-" "just let me do the talking" "hello how may i help you" "we would like to get a building permit from king bran" "go on in" Kathy opens the doors with a button press, and Jakey and Construction Candice walk into the throne room. "hello we would like a building permit" "a building permit?! well you should know that i only give those to people who can beat me in a RACE" "oh okay; jakey can do that" "also i should mention that i'm half sanic" "... shit" Kathy walks up to the starting line. "first one past that finish line waaaaaaaay over there wins; on your mark get set" Kathy fires a pistol into the air. "uh" "that means go" "oh right" Jakey sprints forward while King Bran rolls around at the speed of sound. "HA NO ONE CAN BEAT ME IN A RACE" "then why is it your metric for letting people build buildings" "i hate buildings" "but there are a lot of buildings here" "THEY WERE PUT HERE ILLEGALLY BY CRIMINALS LIKE THAT CUNT TED STARBUCKS" "but how do you not notice the construction of a-" "I'M REALLY BUSY OKAY" "also you live in a building" "I KNOW AND IT TEARS ME UP INSIDE" "so uh can we build that building or... ?" "yeah sure why not" Michelle runs across the finish line triumphantly and covered in sweat, and shakes her hands together in the air in response to the crowd's applause. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions]

Mission 060: Living in the Material World [Construction Candice]
"jakey we need to get some building materials" "what are you thinking; wood? brick?" "PFF nice joke; we only use the finest building materials" "you don't mean-" "yes i do" Construction Candice removes a tarp from a stack of cold on the cob. "we must eat all of this cold on the cob so that we can use the cobs to build this apartment" "c-can we do this" "either we do it, or we die trying" Jakey and Construction Candice tear into the stack of cold on the cob and begin devouring the cold without damaging the precious cobs. "this is it the last cold on the cob" "after this we can send these cobs out for inspection" Jakey unwraps the final cold on the cob and shoves it in his mouth. "i-i can't do it" "YES YOU CAN JAKEY" "n-no i i can't" "YES YOU CAN" Construction Candice shuts Jakey's mouth and rips the cob out of the cold. Jakey swallows his cold and rolls over onto his side. Michelle rushes to his side with a stomach pump. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/vague relationship with Construction Candice]

Mission 061: Cold Day in the Sun [Gwendolyn]
"hey gwendolyn what's up" "i'm just working on my tan" "but you're a vampire won't you turn to dust in the sun" Gwendolyn turns to dust. "oh dang" "uh uh i can fix this" "please do; weatherman winston said it was going to rain today" Jakey begins picking up specks of Gwendolyn one at a time and gluing them together with a glue stick. "uh how much longer will this take" "at this rate? about... five years" "oh good good" Gwendolyn glances around nervously. "oh hey aren't you allergic to dust" "oh right; how could i forget" Jakey begins sneezing uncontrollably, blowing Gwendolyn away. "OH NO" Jakey grabs the net off the wall and begins waving it around frantically, catching Gwendolyn in the process. "oh wow nice job" "thanks" "but um aren't the holes in this net too big to keep me in here" "oh right" Gwendolyn drops to the ground. "ow" "maybe i should take you to the doctor" "good idea" Jakey collects Gwendolyn in a jar, places her in the basket on his tricycle, and pedals to Surgeriez Я Us, where Taylor stands behind the counter chewing a stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "hey uh do you have any 'turning back from dust' in stock" "oh yeah; we ordered extra after that graveyard got turned into a parking lot" Jakey sets Gwendolyn on the counter, and Taylor mixes her with warm water. "oh hey it worked" "yaaaaaaaaaaay" "let's go buy a cake to celebrate!!!" "yeah!!!" Jakey and Gwendolyn skip out to Jakey's tricycle. "hey wait what about my payment!!!" Taylor waits for an answer. "can i have some cake" Michelle exits the restroom carrying a cake. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/cake t-shirt]

Mission 062: Gotta Make You Understand [Gwendolyn]
"hey jakey guess what i just bought!!!" "the most anticipated videogame of the year, farming simulator 2006?!" "uh no that's not out until next week" "shit" "i got the snake on a plane ultimate collector's box set featuring FIVE-HUNDRED HOURS OF DELETED SCENES" "that sounds like a fun way to spend three weeks" "i know ri-" A faint blaring of Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You" is heard. Gwendolyn peeks out the window to see Robert Truckdriver 14 holding up a boombox. "Gwendolyn" "oh no" Gwendolyn hides under the sheets. "what is it" "it's my ex-boyfriend, robert truckdriver 14" "Gwendolyn I Know That You Are There" "NO I'M NOT GO AWAY" "Oh Sorr-Hey Wait" "fuck that usually works" Robert Truckdriver 14 turns into a bat and flies in through the window. "Why Won't You Take Me Back" "it's not you, it's that gang you're in" "Gang?!" "you know, those people who talk and dress exactly like you" "Oh, You Mean The West Side Robert Truckdrivers" "... is there more than one side occupied by robert truckdrivers" "Oh Yes, I Can Confidently Say That We Have Finally Occupied All Of The Available Sides" "even the middle side?!" "That Is Not A Side" "what it totally is; stop trying to cover up your LIES" "The Middle Is Not A Side And I Will Prove It To You" Jakey and Robert Truckdriver 14 look up "side" in the dictionary. "well i'll be damned" "despite your superior knowledge of what is and is not a side, i will have to pass" "Oh Come On He's Not Even A Vampire" Gwendolyn bites Jakey on the neck. "WHAT THE FUCK" "I Stand Corrected" Robert Truckdriver 14 flies off, dejected. "SERIOUSLY WHAT THE FUCK" "it was either that or listen to him drone on for another five minutes" "oh, yeah i would have done the same thing" Michelle crawls out from under the bed. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/vampirism]

Mission 063: Why Couldn't it Have Been AIDS or Cancer or Something [Gwendolyn]
"gwendolyn i NEED to get rid of this vampirism" "come on it's not that bad" "every time i enter sunlight i turn to dust and then immediately reconstitute and it is incredibly painful" "at least you CAN reconstitute" "come on gwendolyn these red eyes really don't match my wardrobe" "okay fine; you can cure vampirism by standing on your head and eating a spoonful of peanutbutter" "oh of course why didn't i think of that" Jakey flips upsidedown and Gwendolyn feeds him a spoonful of peanutbutter. "how do you feel" "mmff mmff umph" "good" Sunlight pours in through the window onto Jakey. "oh hey it worked" "ooh mmff umph?!" "i really just wanted you to shut up about it for a while" "mfug ooh" "i love you too" Jakey clears his throat. "that's not what i said" Gwendolyn shrugs. Michelle flies into the room as a bat. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/"I Cured My Vampirism and All I Got Was This Stupid" t-shirt]

Mission 064: Flexible Strategies [Sting]
"with the rise in housing development-related crime, we have decided to let you take the DETECTIVE-BECOMER EXAM" "oh boy i have always wanted to be a detective" "how convenient" "detectives are the ones that sell ice cream out of a truck right" "uh sure" "oh boy oh boy" Jakey enters the testing room and is faced with a multiple choice test. "th-there are so many choices!!! how am i supposed to choose just one!!!" Jakey glances around nervously, the rate of his breathing increasing. "THE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN" "oh sorry" Stewart Copeland flips the "walls close in" switch again. "it was an honest mistake" Jakey sits down and takes a look at the test. "hey if i fill in these bubbles here and those there, i can make a sweet-ass duck" "WHAT LET ME SEE" Sting shoves his way into the room. "THAT DUCK IS FUCKING SWEET BRO" "thanks" "WELCOME TO THE TEAM" "so where do you keep the ice cream; i need to know this for... reasons" Michelle enters the testing room eating out of a tub of pumpernickel ice cream. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/sweet-ass duck t-shirt/detective outfit]

Mission 065: Landlord [Sting]
"jakey there is a man selling a lot of land; more land than exists in alabama" "maybe he is making more land to sell" "what that is stupid" "oh right" "go investigate this" "can do" Jakey hops onto his squad tricycle and pedals toward Landz Я Us, where Taylor chews on a possibly illicit stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. Jakey walks up to the counter and holds his squad gun to Taylor's face. "WHERE ARE YOU GETTING ALL THIS LAND" "i am making it myself" "... what" Taylor motions to the backlot, where a bunch of wooden planks are nailed to the landmass. Jakey gets out his squad radio. "jakey to sting jakey to sting he is making his own land after all" "..." "..." "look if you can't find out how he is doing it you don't have to lie to me" "but-" "jakey i am coming over and i will find out what he is doing for you" "but-" Sting hangs up. "so um how's the trident sugar-free chewing gum" "it has kept its flavour for the last five years; just the kind of quality i expect from trident" "good good" Sting walks in, goes up to the counter, and holds his squad gun in Taylor's face. "WHERE ARE YOU GETTING ALL THIS LAND" "i am making it myself" "DON'T EVEN START" "but-" "YOU'D BETTER START SPILLING THE TRUTH" "but-" Sting clicks the squad safety off on his squad gun. "i made it myself" "OKAY BUDDY YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE" "but-" Sting grabs Taylor's hands and affixes his squad handcuffs to him. "but-" "tell it to the judge" Sting shoves Taylor in his squad car next to Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/wooden plank t-shirt/squad t-shirt]

Mission 066: Nothing Achieving [Sting]
"okay that guy was tricky and i don't blame you for believing his story" "but-" "so now i need you to investigate a song that never ends" "a song that never ends?!" "yes, it goes on and on, my friend" "gasp" "some people started singing it, not knowing what it was, and they'll continue singing it forever just because..." A single tear streams down Sting's face. "it is the song that never ends" "wh-what kind of monster would make such a song" "i have traced the source of this song to a factory that makes some sort of truck" "ON IT" Jakey hops onto his squad tricycle and pedals down to the factory. Jakey kicks the door in and waves his squad gun around haphazardly. "FREEZE NOBODY MOVE" "What Is This About Officer" "WHY WOULD YOU MAKE A SONG THAT NEVER ENDS" "We Were Trying To Create The Ultimate Catchy Pop Song So That Its Infectious Grooves Would Force People To Give Us The Brick, But We Ended Up Creating The Song That Never Ends Instead" "Robert Truckdriver Twenty Thousand And Robert Truckdriver Twenty Thousand And One Are Still Singing It" "Their Sacrifices Will Never Be Forgotten" "YOU PEOPLE ARE MONSTERS" "Only Robert Truckdriver Nineteen Thousand And Ninety Nine, Who Was Researching Hair Gel Formulas When He Accidentally Turned Himself Into The Loch Ness Monster" "His Sacrifice Will Never Be Forgotten" "IT WILL BE ONCE I TAKE YOU ALL OUT" Jakey fires his squad gun, hitting a red barrel. "..." "..." "damn, i knew i should have brought more than one squad bullet" Michelle pops out of the barrel, bleeding from her left arm. 'take me home"
[reward: respect +/the t-shirt that never ends]

Mission 067: Give Me a Ticket for an Aeroplane [Deputy Orange]
"jakey i need to mail this letter of love to my secret crush so that i can have her meet me at the location inside" "sounds like a good plan" "the only problem is i do not have a stamp and i also do not have the money to buy a stamp" "that's definitely a problem" "could you loan me 39 alabama fun cents" "all i have is full bills" "oh it's okay i can make change" Jakey hands Deputy Orange a 1 Alabama Fun Bux note, and Deputy Orange snaps it in half, causing coins to pour out. Deputy Orange hands Jakey back 61 Alabama Fun Cents. "TO THE STAMP STORE" The Deputy Orange symbol flashes on-screen. Taylor sits behind the counter, gnawing on a stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "one stamp please" "oh sorry we're out of stamps" "shit" "here's your 39 alabama fun cents back" "there must be a way to get more stamps" "you could try the stamp factory" "TO THE STAMP FACTORY" The Jakey symbol flashes on-screen. "hey how come your symbol is cooler than mine" "i disagree" "Hello And Welcome To The Stamp Factory" "oh goddammit; another alabaman business has fallen to the temptation of hiring cheap robert truckdriver labourers" "Hey Robert Truckdriver Clones Have To Eat Too" "WELL GO EAT IN ROBERT TRUCKDRIVERGONIA" "That... Is Not A Real Place" "it isn't?!" Jakey crumples up his map and chucks it behind him. "that's the last time i buy a map from the prince of wales incorporated" "But The Prince Of Wales Enterprises Isn't An Incorporated" "GODDAMMIT THE PRINCE OF WALES" Jakey kicks the crumpled up map into the stamp vat. "Oh No What Have You Done" "He's Caused A Meltdown" "Run For Your Lives" The Robert Truckdriver clones run around the factory with their arms above their heads, screaming. Jakey and Deputy Orange calmly slip out the front door before the factory explodes, causing stamps to rain down over Alabama. The Robert Truckdriver clones fall over, black with soot. "oh boy now i can mail my letter" Deputy Orange affixes a stamp to his letter and drops it into the mailbox. Michelle climbs out of the mailbox. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/stamp t-shirt/gigantic pile of postage stamps appears at safehouses]

Mission 068: Ain't Got Time to Take No Fast Train [Deputy Orange]
"jakey horrible news" "i know all about it" Jakey sheds a single tear in fond remembrance of Steve Irwin. "WE NEED TO GET TO THE POST OFFICE" "YES" Jakey grabs his pen and begins writing an angry letter to Death himself. "DEAR DEATH, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE A CUNT AND TAKE SUCH AN AMAZING PERSON FROM US ALL; NEVER AGAIN WILL I HEAR HIM SAY THAT BEAUTIFUL WORD: 'CRIKEY'" "jakey i do not think we are talking about the same news" "oh" Jakey sweats. "still, as long as we're headed that way" Jakey seals up his letter and hops onto his tricycle. Deputy Orange hops into the basket, and they go off to the post office. "KATHY WHERE IS MY LETTER" "we just dispatched the letters" "SHIT" Deputy Orange sprints out the door. "what's his problem" "doctors are baffled to this day" Jakey drops his letter on the counter and chases after Deputy Orange. "GET BACK HERE" "THE POST ALWAYS GETS THROUGH" The post lady drifts her post van around the corner, chucking letters into mailboxes as she goes. "DAMN HER EFFICIENCY" Deputy Orange leaps into a car through the windshield and tears off after her. "WAIT NO SHIT" Jakey hops onto his tricycle and cuts through an alley, ramming into the side of the post van. The post van continues at top speed, carrying Jakey and causing him to hit his head on street signs. "if you could just stop for a moment" "THE POST ALWAYS GETS THROUGH" The post van launches off a ramp, and the post lady chucks letters into mail boxes from the air. Deputy Orange skirts around the ramp and positions himself under the post van. "well shit" The post van lands on top of Deputy Orange's car, crushing him, but stopping the post van. Jakey's tricycle falls out of the side of the post van, causing him to hit the back of his head on the pavement. The post lady grabs her post sack and sprints to more houses. "oh no you d-don't" Deputy Orange crawls out from under the wreckage and begins hobbling after the post lady. Jakey spins his tricycle 180 and tears off after the post lady, ramming straight into her. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO" The post lady's post sack flies away as she falls into the sewers. Jakey grabs the post bag before it hits the ground and tosses it to Deputy Orange. "oh thanks jakey" Deputy Orange writes the return address on the envelope. "man that would have been embarassing" Deputy Orange wipes his brow, drops the post bag, and wanders off aimlessly with his hands in his pockets, whistling badly. Michelle pops out of the post sack. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/post t-shirt/Post Lady Layla missions]

Mission 069: Lonely Days are Gone; I'm a-Goin' Home [Deputy Orange]
"jakey i am meeting my secret crush today and i am TERRIFIED" "of what" "clowns, mostly" "that's kind of just something you assume about a person when you meet them" "i am also terrified that my secret crush will not like me" "hmm that is very possible; you're not exactly handsome or charismatic" "thanks" "any time buddy" "OH SHIT THERE SHE IS HIDE" Deputy Orange shoves Jakey into a trash can. "hello" "hello um hey is that a person upsidedown in a trash can" "it sure is" "do they need help" "no he is a professional" "oh okay" Deputy Orange and his date walk off. "oh god help help" A passerby throws trash onto Jakey. "HEY I AM NOT A TRASH CAN" "but you're in one, implying that you are trash and other trash should be thrown on top of you" "okay that makes sense but could you help me out of here" "i make a point of not touching trash" "oh sorry for bothering you" The man walks off while Jakey struggles and thrashes around. The trash can tips over, and Jakey begins rolling down the hill. "OH FUCK NO SHIT FUCK NO FUCK" The trash can rolls into a giant swan boat. "oh no i'm allergic to swans!!!" Jakey swells up, causing the trash can to explode, raining trash everywhere. Jakey crawls his way out of the swan boat and finds himself in a dark waterway as his swelling is healed. A second swan boat crashes into Jakey's head, causing it to swell, and the sheer weight of it to force Jakey underwater. "well shit" The swelling subsides, and Jakey drifts to a nearby island. "day five: the swans continue to circle; they taunt me; sometimes people ride the swans around, but all they do is stare at my torn clothes and throw things at me; this is how i met penny, the love of my life" Jakey stares longingly at the 1 Alabama Fun Cent piece on the ground. "she is all i have now; my only reason to continue to survive" Jakey thinks for a moment. "other than the fact that i physically can't die for another 56 missions of course" Another swan boat passes. "i have given up hope of rescue; i only hope that someone notices that i'm gone and takes care of scraps for me" A single tear streams down Jakey's face. "i miss you buddy" Jakey sets down his journal and lies down on the cold hard ground, a second single tear working its way into the soil. Michelle paddles up on a row boat. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jakey's journal appears at safehouses/vague relationship with Penny]

Mission 070: Let's Run Away to Sea [King Bran]
"oh hello jakey let me tell you all about tax refor-" "KING BRAN I HAVE COME FOR YOUR SOUL" "my what" Death plops down a large trash bag. "GET IN THE BAG" "my mother always told me never to interact with strangers' bags" "HAHA VERY FUNNY NOW GET IN THE BAG" "i'd... rather not" "LOOK THE WAY THIS WORKS IS YOU HAVE DIED, AND NOW YOU NEED TO GET IN THE BAG" "but i haven't-" "I MADE A LIST, CHECKED IT TWICE, AND THE LIST CLEARLY STATES THAT YOU NEED TO GET IN THE BAG" "don't i get to play a game and/or fiddle for my soul" "YOU WATCH TOO MUCH TELEVISION" Death sets down the bag. "FINE WHAT GAME DID YOU HAVE IN MIND" "the most dangerous game of all" King Bran mounts a grizzly bear. "calvinball" Jakey walks to the centre line and throws the ball into the air. King Bran whacks it with a cricket bat past the fifty yard line, but Death counters with a hit from his trash bag. The ball soars into the air and hits Michelle. "oh come on they were just getting to the good part" Michelle cocks her head to the side. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/grizzly bear t-shirt/grizzly bear jacket]

Mission 071: Forever We'd be Free [King Bran]
"oh hello jakey let me tell you all about my duel with deat-" "KATHY I HAVE COME FOR YOUR SOUL" "i don't have one of those" Death plops down his trash bag. "JUST GET IN THE BAG" "i'm allergic to bags" "DID I SAY BAG, I MEANT SACK" "i don't believe you; i've been tricked before" Kathy clutches her stomach, knowing that her scars will never fade. A single tear flows down her cheek. "SO UM YEAH ARE YOU GOING TO GET IN THE SACK OR NOT" "i'll pass" "WELL SHIT" Death dejectedly trudges off, forgetting his bag. Michelle climbs out of the bag. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/sack t-shirt]

Mission 072: Free to Spend Our Whole Lives Running [King Bran]
"oh hello jakey let me tell you all about what i found in death's ba-" "GUYS CAN I HAVE MY BAG BACK" "no" "COME ON MAN DON'T BE LAME" "no it is trash day and i set it outside to be picked up with the rest of the rubbish" "WHAT" Death rushes outside to find the trash truck driving away and his bag nowhere in sight. "GODDAMMIT DO YOU GUYS KNOW HOW MUCH THOSE THINGS COST" "no?" "I'M GOING TO LOSE A YEAR'S WORTH OF PAY OVER THIS" Death sighs and teleports away. A garbage man punts Michelle out of the back of the truck. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Death missions]

Mission 073: So Many Days You Passed Me By [Post Lady Layla]
"citizen!!! i need help the package sorting system is broken" "oh okay where is it" "packagestan" "oh right" Jakey slaps himself on the forehead. "how silly of me" Jakey hops onto his tricycle and Post Lady Layla hops into the basket. Jakey pedals to Packagestan, where the streets are paved with postage stamps. "WHERE IS MY PACKAGE, STAN" Professor Eif kicks the package machine, causing a package to shoot at him, knocking him into a wall. "oh boy it's my package i won on ebay from sheriffantony97" Professor Eif tears open the package and is attacked by the professional wrestler inside. "THIS IS NOT WHAT I ORDERED" Professor Eif tumbles down the road. "CURSE YOU, sheriffantony97, WHOEVER YOU ARE" "okay so what is the problem with this machine" Jakey roots around in the machine and pulls out an oil-covered object. "what the fuck is that thing" "it looks like some kind of mop or one of those things at carwashes that goes 'squik squik'" "yuck throw it out" Jakey chucks the object into the dumpster. "well it's all fixed" "oh good now i can deliver this package to a mistour... j. key" "i don't know him" Michelle crawls out of the dumpster, covered in oil. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/object t-shirt/Professor Eif missions]

Mission 074: See the Tear Standing in My Eye [Post Lady Layla]
"citizen!!! i am glad you are here; you have to help me deliver these pizzas" "oh i can do that; if by 'deliver' you mean 'eat' and if by 'these pizzas' you mean 'a quarter-to-half of a pizza because otherwise i would probably end up throwing up and that is a waste of pizza'" "that is not what i mean" "oh then i'm afraid that that is not in my skill set" "citizen, the post always gets through but there is a lot of it and i need help" Jakey shrugs and hops onto his tricycle. Post Lady Layla fills his basket with pizzas, and Jakey pedals off to the first house. "wow nice neighbourhood" Jakey shoves the pizzas into the recipients' mailboxes. "What The Fuck Jakey" "what did i do" "Pizzas Are Supposed To Go In The Pizza Slot So They Do Not Get Crushed" Robert Truckdriver 6 points to a short, wide box underneath the mailbox. "You Are Lucky That I Am Currently Arguing With Someone On The Internet That Geno Should Be In Brawl Or We Would Surely Be In Our Own Brawl Right Now" "but geno is owned by square enix" "And Snake Is Owned By Konami" "shit, you win this round" Robert Truckdriver 6 yanks his pizza out of his mailbox, and Michelle goes flying out. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Geno t-shirt]