Memories of Nothing (2006)

MEMORY ONE [Sheriff Antony]
"well jakey you're in your late teens now so you're going to be reckless and in danger constantly" "fuck yeah i am; i got the need for speed and the desire for a funeral pyre" "so i got you a present to celebrate your deathwish" Sheriff Antony plomps a sack down onto the table. "these are the CUBIC ZIRCONIA; guaranteed to protect you from all danger long enough for you to make about fifteen good memories" "sweet" Jakey pours the contents of the sack down his throat, gaining power untold. "i don't feel any different" "check it out" Sheriff Antony pulls out his revolver and pops Jakey between the eyes. Jakey's wound heals instantly. "OW FUCK THAT HURT" "oh right you still feel all the pain (twice) but there's no permanent damage" "joy" Michelle places Jakey's hand on the table and begins stabbing between his fingers, happy to be able to practice without risking her own health. "take me home"

MEMORY TWO [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey i have been looking through the new pokémon catalogues from japan and LUCARIO IS SUCH A SWEET-ASS POKéMON LOOK AT THIS MOTHERFUCKER" "why does he have spikes on his hands" "SO HE CAN IMPALE HIS ENEMIES" "but he's like some kind of weird dog thing; dogs don't have spikes" "THAT IS WHERE YOU ARE WRONG" Sheriff Antony opens the shutter to reveal his dog, Scraps, covered in spikes. "bark" "he doesn't look very happy" "NONSENSE" Sheriff Antony holds out a bone. "COME ON BOY ROLL OVER" Scraps rolls over, but his spikes get stuck in the floor halfway through. "is that supposed to happen" "obviously not" "are you sure you're cut out to own an animal" "oh like you could do any better" "well i wouldn't cover him in spikes for one" "oh come on the spikes are fucking rad" "i'm sure he's loving being upside-down and stuck like a turtle on its shell" "fine if you're so good with dogs you take him" Sheriff Antony shoves all of Scraps' things into Jakey's hands and storms off. Michelle turns Scraps rightside-up. "take me home"

MEMORY THREE [Teachour]
"jakey there are students who are literally using the word 'literally' wrong" "i am literally angry at such a prospect" "you need to literally teach them the error of their ways" "CAN DO" Jakey literally hides in a locker. "i was so embarrassed i literally DIED" Jakey literally leaps out of the locker. "YOU COULD NOT HAVE LITERALLY DIED BECAUSE YOU ARE ALIVE RIGHT NOW" "rude and also: wrong" Jakey notices that his classmate, Claire Freeberne, has literally died and turned into a ghost. "i am literally sorry for what i did" "it's okay, literally everyone makes mistakes" Michelle walks up and pats Jakey on the pack. "i literally would like you to take me home"

MEMORY FOUR [Teachour]
"jakey my windows have been getting these weird streaks and i think it's related to the school's new streaking club; i need you to infiltrate this club and convince them to stop streaking my windows" "can do" Jakey stays late at the school in order to infiltrate the streaking club. He opens the door, and is treated to a horrific sight. "..." "..." "deputy" "jakey" Jakey closes the door and returns to report to Teachour. "i um don't think that the streaking club is responsible" "what makes you say that" "i didn't see any supplies for such an activity" "are you sure" "the sight of that grizzly scene is burnt into my retinas for all eternity; the emotional trauma of having seen the deputy's deputy will stay with me for the rest of my life, no matter how many lobotomies i receive" Michelle runs into the room, stark naked. "take me home"

MEMORY FIVE [Deputy Orange]
"jakey it's horrible" "yes, you have scarred me for life" "no i sent a letter to my secret crush and she's going to meet me at the amusement park tonight!!! i am so nervous do you have any advice" "just be yourself bro" "that doesn't mean anything" "you just refuse to think about that statement and its wisdom" "fine whatever can you at least give me a ride" "fine but think about what i said" Jakey hops onto his tricycle, Deputy Orange hops into the sidecar, and they head out for the amusement park. "she's supposed to meet me by the tunnel of love" "what's she look like" "oh she's beautiful; she's got a face and some hair and a large rack of tits" "sounds like my kind of girl" "yeah she's great-OH THERE SHE IS HIDE" Deputy Orange shoves Jakey into a trash can, upside-down. "WHAT THE FUCK" "hey deputy is that a man inside a trash can" "what no it's just the park mascot" Deputy Orange gives Jakey's trash can a kick, and it begins to roll down the hill. "OH YOU FUCKER" The trash can rolls into the waters of the tunnel of love, crashing into a giant swan boat. "OH NO i'm allergic to swans!!!" Jakey swells up, causing the trash can to explode, raining trash everywhere. Jakey drifts to a nearby island as the swelling subsides. "day five: the swans continue to circle; they taunt me; sometimes people ride the swans around, but all they do is stare at my torn clothes and throw things at me; this is how i met scarlett, the love of my life" Jakey stares longingly at the torn scarlet-coloured handkerchief on the ground. "she is all i have now; my only reason to continue to survive" Jakey thinks for a moment. "other than the fact that i physically can't die until i make another ten memories of course" Another swan boat passes. "i have given up hope of rescue; i only hope that someone notices that i'm gone and takes care of scraps for me" A single tear streams down Jakey's face. "i miss you buddy" A lifeboat cuts through the waters of love, coming to rest on the island. Piloting the boat is none other than Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY SIX [Deputy Orange]
"oh hey jakey i couldn't find you where'd you get off to" Jakey walks straight up to Deputy Orange and looms over his face. "i am going to kill you" "wha-" "not now, but one of these days, you are going to die by my hand; you will not know where or when" "i-" "you will have forgotten all about this conversation, but the memories will spring back as soon as you see my blade on a collision course with your neck" "dude-" "you will be lucky to have experienced such a swift death, for i am not without mercy and will not allow you to suffer as i have" "calm down" "you will not have the chance to rue that day, for your life will be forfeit in a flash" "dude the date didn't even work out; your sister doesn't like me very much" "my WHAT" "your sister, who i just went to the amusement park with" "I'LL KILL YOU" "yeah we've established that" Jakey abandons his long plans, and attempts to strangle Deputy Orange for having the audacity to fall in love with his sister. Soon, Deputy Orange falls dead and a flash of light appears in the corner of the room. "GODDAMMIT JAKEY YOU'VE CREATED A TIME PARADOX" "he was like that when i got here" The time-traveller takes out some futuristic syringe and inserts it into Deputy Orange's neck, reviving him. "there now we're good" "do i get to kill him eventually" "no" "but this BURNING RAGE i feel inside will not subside until his corpse lays before me" "it just did" "does it really count as a corpse if he springs back to life a minute later" "fine i'll erase your memory of the incidents that made you want to kill him" The time traveller erases Jakey's mind of the last three memories, and leaves back for her own time. Michelle walks up and pats Jakey on the back. "take me home"

MEMORY SEVEN [Crazy Svart]
"what's with all the construction equipment" "i'm building a new business venture; this here is renowned constructor candice plumbridge" "hello" "hello how does someone like you get into construction" "the only toys i had growing up were legos and lincoln logs" "that'll do it" "and it's a good thing you asked that question, as it relates to the thing i was about to say; this building is a return to my ROOTS" Candice rips off the tarp covering the building. "it's made of lincoln logs" "that is only partially correct; these gigantic lincoln log-inspired pieces are made of construction-grade poplar" "what the fuck is a poplar" "it's the best kind of wood for construction; anyone who says pine or maple or whatever is simply a novice pretending to be an expert" "okay go on" "the poplar beams are connected via composite rubber cement, allowing for elasticity while also applying firm adhesion" "i am learning so much that will inevitably be forgotten" "it's a shame, because construction is a beautiful artform" Candice returns to overseeing the construction. "hey jakey i'm going to need a gimmick to attract a lot of people to my business" "how about a giant flashing strobe light facing the road" "oh yeah people love those" "hey can i get some help over here" Jakey and Crazy Svart turn their heads to see Michelle stuck in the vat of composite rubber cement. "take me home"

MEMORY EIGHT [Crazy Svart]
"WELCOME to the grand opening of CRAZY SVART'S USED TRAILER PARKS" Crazy Svart cuts the ribbon on his new business just as a tornado tears through the lot. "..." "..." "welp i guess it's time to sample the stock of my other new business, crazy svart's used cyanide capsules" "hey don't hog them all" Crazy Svart and Jakey head into the cyanide capsule storage room to see Michelle attempting to smuggle a jar out of the building. "take me home"

MEMORY NINE [Candice]
"jakey we have run out of buildings to build so we need you to destroy buildings that are already there so that we can build them again" "oh boy i've always wanted to do such a thing as what you just told me to do" Jakey grabs his standard-issue student rocket launcher and fires at a random building. The building explodes, and frisbees rain from the sky. "the frisbee factory, nice choice" "and hey i get free frisbees out of it, even if don't fly too well due to being ceramic" "i don't even know why they'd bother using such an inferior material as ceram when plast is much cheaper and more aerodynamic" "they are made of ceram because that is the standard for the frisbee teams in the olymps" "oh that makes sense; gotta make it a challenge" "i've always wanted to enter the olymps so i could represent my home country of canada and bring home the silver" "that is a very realistic goal you have set for yourself" "it does no one any good to have your head in the clouds" "word" Michelle walks up and presents Jakey with a mock silver medal. "take me home"

MEMORY TEN [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey i think it's time for you to take the exam to become a detective" "oh boy i have always wanted to be a detective" "nice" "detectives are the ones that sell ice cream out of a truck right" "uh sure" "oh boy oh boy" Jakey enters the testing room and is faced with a multiple choice test. "th-there are so many choices!!! how am i supposed to choose just one!!!" Jakey glances around nervously, the rate of his breathing increasing. "THE WALLS ARE CLOSING IN" "oh sorry" Sheriff Antony flips the 'walls close in' switch, returning the walls to their original position. "really sorry about that" Jakey sits down and takes a look at the test. "hey if i fill in these bubbles here and those there, i can make a sweet-ass duck" "WHAT LET ME SEE" Sheriff Antony shoves his way into the room. "THAT DUCK IS FUCKING SWEET BRO" "thanks" "WELCOME TO THE TEAM" Michelle pouts, as her duck was nowhere near as sweet as Jakey's, causing her to lose her chance to become a detective. "take me home"

MEMORY ELEVEN [Sheriff Antony]
"well jakey here's your badge" "thank you so much mr. uh toblerone" "my name's not-" Sheriff Antony recoils in horror. "OH FUCK I ATE MY NAMEPLATE" Sheriff Antony hangs his head in his hands. "how could this have happened" "sometimes in my haste to eat a delicious toblerone i accidentally eat other trianglar objects" Jakey glances to the side. "i'm still not allowed in the natural history museum" "JAKEY THIS IS SERIOUS; WITHOUT MY NAMEPLATE I WILL NEVER BE CALLED BY MY CORRECT NAME" "don't sweat it toblerone, i've been trained for these situations" "wait really?" "no but it sounded good when i said it" Jakey takes a sheet of paper, writes Sheriff Antony's name on it, and wraps it around the Toblerone. "how am i supposed to eat my toblerone if it's now my nameplate" "how is your nameplate supposed to display your name if it's now your toblerone" "i don't know this sounds like a waste of a toblerone" "just like you wasted that nameplate" "it will forever stand as a monument to my carelessness" "that's the spirit" Michelle walks up and unwraps her own delicious Toblerone. "take me home"

MEMORY TWELVE [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey what are your thoughts on vampires" "did you know that despite making up only 1% of the population, vampires are responsible for 25% of the murders, third only to werewolves and blacks" "exactly" "and they're WASTEFUL murders; despite being responsible for 60% of the murders, vampires are responsible for 0% of the thefts" "that's the worst part, i agree; i have good intel that there is a vampire attending a midnight showing of a film and i'm assigning you to the case" "you can count on me chief" Jakey hops onto his tricycle and heas down for the movie theatre. He sees a vampire waiting in line to buy a ticket, her eyes glowing red. "hello there miss" "um hi" "what movie are you seeing" "snake on a plane" "OH MAN I LOVED THAT MOVIE" "really?!" "YEAH IT WAS SO AWESOME" "everyone else laughs me out of the room when i tell them snake on a plane was the peak of cinematic entertainment" "you should be laughing at them; they are unable to tell what truly fine cinema is" "i am so excited for the sequel coming out this week" "oh me too; if the drama and excitement was THAT high when there was just one snake, imagine what will happen with MULTIPLE SNAKES" "I AM VIBRATING WITH EXCITEMENT" "come let us rewatch snake on a plane together" "yes; let's" Jakey and the vampire whose name he has not yet learned enter the movie theatre and sit down to watch Snake on a Plane. After two hours pass, they leave the theatre, the movie still as fresh on the 107th watch as it was on the first. Jakey leaves with a phone number, a name (Gwendolyn), and a companion for the premiere of his most anticipated film. Also Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY THIRTEEN [Gwendolyn]
"hey hey jakey check out what just arrived in the mail" "is this the SNAKE ON A PLANE ULTIMATE COLLECTOR'S BOXSET?!" "yeah it's got over forty hours of commentary from the director, producer, writers, and even the actors" "wow good thing i slept a lot before coming over here" "yeah while i put in the dvd can you get me a glass of water" "okay" Jakey grabs a giant jug. "i stole this water from a church" Jakey pours Gwendolyn a glass of water. "that's really good what's in it" "you know i never asked" Gwendolyn's torso catches fire. "this is less than ideal" Jakey grabs the fire extinguisher and sprays all over Gwendolyn's torso. "thanks that wasn't a pleasant feeling" Jakey and Gwendolyn sit down to watch over forty hours of commentary on Snake on a Plane, in no way setting unattainable expectations for its sequel. After forty hours, Michelle peels herself off of the couch. "take me home"

MEMORY FOURTEEN [Gwendolyn]
"oh man i am so excited to see snakes on a plane" "i am so glad we saw the original last night; now we can tear the sequel apart for not living up to our impossible expectations" "word" Jakey and Gwendolyn enter the theatre, then exit two hours later. "jesus CHRIST that movie was terrible" "I KNOW RIGHT there was no drama!!!" "the snake from the original had perfect character development, but the five snakes from this movie were so BLAND AND LIFELESS" "i get it, they can't let sammy solve the crisis in the same way as the original, but a bulletproof snake?! COME ON" "don't even get me STARTED on that snake with legs" "SNAKES AREN'T SUPPOSED TO HAVE LEGS THAT'S WHAT MAKES THEM SNAKES" "my heart has been broken, and i will never look at cinema the same way again" "yes, if even beloved classics are not immune to the terrible cash grab sequel, what does that say for cinema as an artform" "this just proves that 'art' is a meaningless term" "exactly" Michelle, heartbroken by the shamelessness of the sequel to her most beloved movie, collapses to the ground, sobbing. "take me home"

MEMORY FIFTEEN [Gwendolyn]
Jakey walks in on Gwendolyn, visciously perusing a periodical. As soon as she notices Jakey, she throws it in the garbage in a panic. "hey was that the latest issue of feminine beauty monthly" "n-no" "yes it is i can see it right now in that trash can" Jakey grabs the copy of Feminine Beauty Monthly. "that's no way to treat a magazine" Jakey begins flipping through the pages. "man i love looking at the pictures in this magazine" "yeah well um now that the cat's out of the bag i should tell you: i'm entering a beauty contest" "if the ladies in this magazine are your competition, i'd say that you're going to win easily" "oh thanks; i'm only entering because the grand prize is becoming mayor for a day" "oh man what are you going to do with your mayorly powers" "ban snakes from a plane from this plane of existence" "godspeed gwendolyn, godspeed" "in order to make sure this is going to work i need a leg up" "hmm maybe i can help you with that one" Jakey grabs Gwendolyn's leg and pulls it upward. "uh that is not what i meant but i appreciate the enthusiasm" "i've never been good with metaphors or euphemisms" "as i was browsing through that magazine, i learned that the key to feminine beauty is having big boobs" "i concur" "well i've already got a couple of those but what if someone comes in with BIGGER boobs" "we obviously can't let that happen; it says here in an article by editor-in-chief piper jackson that if someone comes in with bigger boobs, you're just fucked" "oh no" "but it says here that alabamanian women usually cap out at E so just count yourself lucky that you're not canadian" "oh phew" "get out there are bring home that trophy" "aye-aye cap'n" Gwendolyn leaves to enter the pageant, and Michelle enters, having been denied entry due to being Canadian. "take me home"

MEMORY SIXTEEN [Gwendolyn]
"jakey i won" "oh did you have the biggest boobs" "the boobs were all about even" "then what was the deciding factor" "they liked my fluffy hair" "oh nice; that's always been one of your best features" "so now that i'm going to be mayor do you have any suggestions for cool stuff i can do" "okay so you know the ocean right" "i've heard of it" "well it's all like water and shit right? so what if you poured thousands of pounds of kool-aid powder into the ocean and turned it into kool-aid" "that sounds great but i don't think mayor has authority over the oceans; maybe if i win a 'poseidon for a day' contest" "how about like a big lake" "could work could work" "bing bong" "OH there's that pizza i ordered could you go get it for me" "yes ma'am miss mayor ma'am" Jakey rushes to the door, and answers it. The post lady stands before him, holding a box. "citizen!!! here is your pizza" Jakey grabs the box of pizza, eyes wide with anticipation. "oh boy i have been looking forward to eating these eight delicious triangles but not all at once because i do not want to get sick" "uh we cut our pizza into sixths" "..." Jakey drops the box of pizza, six triangles falling out. "YOU ARE A MONSTER" Jakey slams the door in the post lady's face as Scraps tries to lick up the triangles. "SCRAPS NO THIS IS NOT FIT FOR CONSUMPTION" Jakey quickly sweeps up the six triangles and throws them in the incinerator, a single tear streaming down his cheek. "why are you incinerating the pizza" "it was cut into SIX SLICES" "what kind of monster would do such a thing" "bing bong" Jakey reluctantly answers the door. "hello citizen here is your pizza in eight slices" "i don't know if i can trust you" The post lady opens the top of the box, revealing eight delicious triangles. "oh boy" Jakey grabs the box of pizza and slams the door. "PIZZA'S HERE" "oh finally; i have been craving four triangles of pizza" "as have i, which is good, since we now have eight total" Jakey and Gwendolyn devour the pizza, leaving none behind for Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY SEVENTEEN [Gwendolyn]
"jakey even though i banished snakes on a plane to another dimension, i still have nightmares about it" "i did too until i started going to bed hugging an official snake on a plane plush snake doll" "how do i get one of those" "unfortunately, they're all sold out" "oh" "luckily i bought two of them" Jakey hands Gwendolyn a plush snake doll. "thanks jakey you're the best i'm going to sleep right now" Gwendolyn crawls into her coffin bed and goes to sleep, a few hours later, she awakens. "how'd it go" "well i didn't have a nightmare about snakes on a plane; i had a nightmare about some bigger kids stealing my plush snake and throwing it into a volcano instead" "maybe you just aren't cut out for sleeping" "maybe so" Michelle walks in carrying her own plush snake. "take me home"

MEMORY EIGHTEEN [Sheriff Antony]
"hey jakey have you heard the new arctic monkeys single" "the what" "you know the band arctic monkeys" "that's not a real band" "yeah it is; they're from sheffield" "i doubt that's even a real place" "okay what's your favourite new band from this year" "boat" "okay you clearly just made that up" "no i didn't; they're from seattle" "and now you're expecting me to believe that that retarded jumble of syllables is a real place" "'seattle' is much more reasonable than 'chef field' or whatever" "you're intentionally separating the syllables of sheffield so it sounds silly" "oh it doesn't need any help on that front" "you're one to talk mr 'seattle'" "michelle can settle this for us" "yeah michelle have you heard of either of these bands" Michelle clears her throat. "they're both pretty good and you two should both grab a CD or whatever the kids are into these days; also take me home"

MEMORY NINETEEN [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey the power's out" "did you call the electric company" "they can't send a guy out for" Lightning crackles behind Sheriff Antony. "FOUR TO SIX WEEKS" Jakey recoils in horror. "jakey i need you to use your vast knowledge of electricity to restore power to the station" "but i don't have any knowledge of electricity" "ah the masters of the craft are always so humble; get out there jakey" Sheriff Antony shoves Jakey out the door. Jakey notices a tree branch caught on the power line, and decides that removing it would be a good idea. Jakey spins around in circles with his arms held out straight, the speed of the rotation causing him to rise into the air. Jakey's plan is to lift up to the roof and touch down safely, but he had forgotten to refuel before coming here. Jakey spirals out of control, careening across the street. "MAYDAY MAYDAY WE'RE GOING DOWN" Jakey crashes straight into an oncoming eighteen-wheeler, and dies in the impact. "hey jakey good job the power's-OH MY GOD" Sheriff Antony rushes out to the splattered Jakey lying on the ground, a single tear streaming down his face. "he sacrificed himself so that i may have power; what a true hero he was" Sheriff Antony removes his hat in fond remembrance of the lost Jakey, a rare symbolic gesture. Soon, Jakey pops back to life. "I LIVE" "WHAT" "knowing that something terrible would happen to me the second i ran out of time on the cubic zirconia, i secretly stashed away a small portion; the impact of the truck hitting me must have forced it into my blood and saved my life" "I REMOVED MY HAT FOR YOU YOU FUCKING JUDAS" Sheriff Antony pulls out his revolvers and pops Jakey with all twelve shots. Thanks to the small amount of the cubic zirconia, Jakey is revived. "i deserved that" The truck returns around the block to make sure that Jakey is all right. Its driver, Michelle, is relieved to see that that is indeed the case. "take me home"