Memories of A Thing (2013)

MEMORY ONE [Sheriff Antony]
"man sheriff antony i'm sure sick of being kidnapped and tied to a boat every year and we're all out of temporary measures to make the month of september less painful" "well lucky for you, i just came into posession of THE DIAMONDS (again)" "oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh b-" "calm down there jakey these are the most powerful mystic artefacts in the world!!! i couldn't let them go for less than $19.95" "i'll give you five bucks" "deal" Jakey hands Sheriff Antony the five Alabama Fun Bux note and receives a sack in return. Jakey pours the contents of the sack down his throat. "BLEUGH that was AWFUL" "oh no" "OH NO?!" "i accidentally gave you the wrong sack!!!" "WHAT DID I JUST EAT" "that was my evidence sack; inside was a nefarious superweapon that brought untold misery onto anyone who consumed it" "OH NO" "QUICK consume the diamonds!!!" Jakey does as he's told, and the diabolical superweapon is defused before it could cause any internal harm. "so uh what was it" "pizza hut stuffed crust pizza" "OH GOD NO" Michelle walks up to the table and slaps down a Dominos pizza box. "take me home"

MEMORY TWO [Sheriff Antony]
"so what's up sheriff" "oh i was just watching my favourite tv show" "it doesn't look familiar to me; what's it about" "well there are six people who live in the same apartment complex with a perfect 50/50 gender ratio-" "wow that's pretty unrealistic; everyone knows females outnumber males like five-to-one" "it's tv they can do whatever they want" "yeah but the willing suspension of disbelief only goes so far" "isn't your favourite show about a guy with a talking car" "yeah so" Sheriff Antony slaps his face with his left hand. As he's about to explain his point to Jakey, a brick comes flying in through the window. "oh hey it's my brick" Sheriff Antony picks up the brick and reads the note attached to it. "'sheriff antony, here's your brick back - deputy orange' what a thoughtful guy" "wouldn't it have been more thoughtful of him to ring the doorbell and hand it to you personally instead of breaking your window" "no way; then i would have had to invite him inside, offer him a drink, just a big hassle for no good reason" "fair point" "and now i don't have to listen to him ask about that tube of toothpaste i borrowed from him" Sheriff Antony walks over to the gigantic tube of toothpaste and pats its side, grinning widely. Michelle squeezes the tube, raining toothpaste onto her head. "take me home"

MEMORY THREE [Deputy Orange]
"yo deputy these marshmallows you served were fucking great" "still are; i've got more in the kitchen" "whoop whoop" Deputy Orange enters the kitchen, but stops dead in his tracks. "OH NO" "someone's stolen the marshmallows?!" "no not that bad thankfully" "phew" "i forgot to return sheriff antony's brick to him!!!" "um dude you already did that" "what no" "yeah you did that back in memory two" "OH NO" Deputy Orange scrambles around aimlessly, when a huge flash of light appears. "I AM FROM THE FUTURE" "hello" "hi jakey I AM HERE TO TAKE YOU TO THE PAST" "how did you know my name?!" "uh NO TIME TO EXPLAIN; GRAB THE BRICK AND HOP IN" Jakey does as he's told, and the time-traveller roars off. "so uh why me and not deputy orange" "i don't care for that guy" "fair enough; what's your name friend" "my name is... unimportant" "oh hi unimportant" "no my name isn't literally 'unimportant'" "then why did you say it was?!" "BECAUSE MY NAME ISN'T IMPORTANT" "then what is it" The time traveller glares hard at Jakey as they arrive at their destination. She kicks Jakey out of the time machine, and leaves back for her own time. "rude" Jakey attaches a note to the brick he's holding and hucks it through Sheriff Antony's window. Another flash of light appears, revealing Michelle and her own time machine. "take me home"

MEMORY FOUR [Sheriff Antony]
"good news jakey; my band's latest album hit number one, finally eclipsing maximum overdeth's mauve album" "oh man the mauve album was awesome; i bought five copies every week for months so it would remain on top" "what did you do with all those extra copies" "i listened to them obviously" "um anyway i have a concert tonight in this arena here but i've also received word of an assassination plot against me so i need you to use this to detain any possible assassins" Sheriff Antony hands Jakey a novelty boxing glove. "uh can't i just use a gun" "guns are loud jakey; the last thing i want is for the audience to be listening to gunshots instead of to me" "fair enough" Sheriff Antony takes the stage, and Jakey sees an assassin climbing along the rafters. Jakey holds out his novelty boxing glove and hits the switch, sending the arm rocketing out, the boxing glove's padded fist knocking the assassin off the rafters. Jakey rushes over to the assassin and unmasks her, revealing Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY FIVE [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey i'm at my wit's end here" "what's the problem" "the force would be much better off if we had access to clown technology to squeeze dozens of officers into one squad car, but this clown refuses to give up the secrets!!!" "have you tried applying torture" "yeah and she just honked at me and squirted me with her boutineer!!!" "she's a wily one all right" Jakey steps into the interrogation room. "hey there miss" "hey hey!!!" The clown's nose honks. "can you please give us the secret to your clown car technology; we'll make it worth your while" "check my pocket!!! pretty sure the secret's written down in there!!!" Jakey reaches his hand into the clown's pocket, and pulls out a handkerchief, which is attached to another handkerchief and so on. "does this ever end" "i don't know; i haven't checked!!!" "WRAP THE HANDKERCHIEFS AROUND HER NECK!!!" "WOAH THAT WOULD BE A NECK OF A LOT OF TROUBLE!!!" The clown begins laughing and honking all over the room. "THAT'S FUCKING IT" Sheriff Antony stomps into the room and before Jakey can react, he plugs the clown straight through the forehead. "DUDE WHAT THE FUCK" "NO TECHNOLOGY IS WORTH THIS" "does that mean you'll let me go?!" The clown begins laughing and honking again. Sheriff Antony puts his gun's barrel in his mouth. "NO SHERIFF ANTONY WAIT" "hey um i'm sorry i didn't mean to drive you to suicide" "wait really?" "yeah i'm sorry how about a friendly handshake to start over with" "that would be nice" Sheriff Antony grabs the clown's hand, and is immediately shocked by her joy buzzer. The clown begins to laugh and honk all over again. Sheriff Antony begins to curl up into a ball and sob. "you know i've always wanted to hold hands with a big titty clown but i'm beginning to reconsider" Michelle walks into the room, and the clown immediately presents her with a bouquet of flowers. As Michelle sniffs the flowers, they squirt her with seltzer water. "take me home"

MEMORY SIX [The Canada Shiver-Timberers]
"arrrrrrrgh cap'n we be managin' to be boardin' this athletics institution!!!" "you've seized control?!" "arrrrrrrrgh that be right cap'n!!! we even be capturin' ye a secretarial wench!!!" "oh hi kathy" "hey" "so did you have any reason for doing this or" "arrrrrrgh we be wantin' to make shiver-timberin' a national sport cap'n" "a noble pursuit; carry on" "arrrrgh aye-aye cap'n!!!" "so do you have any messages for me kathy" "oh yeah um the former head of the institution called and said, and i quote, 'give it baaaaaaaaaaaaaack'" "ha fat chance; i'll never return what is now mine" "i'll return the call" Kathy dials up the number of the former head of the institution. "yeah hi just getting back to you re:your request; our new leader says you're fat and he'll never return control to you" Kathy hangs up. "not exactly what i meant but it'll do" Michelle walks up and places her new sport request on the desk. "what's the new sport called" "take me home"

MEMORY SEVEN [Deputy Orange]
"hey deputy what's new" "my house blew up" "oh yeah i thought something seemed different around here" "yeah the charred rubble stands out doesn't it" "definitely; are you going to mount an investigation to see who blew up your house" "pardon?" "the culprit that blew up your house" "oh pfft don't be so paranoid jakey; this sort of thing happens all the time" "yeah well uh just to be safe i'll have my secretary mount an investigation" "kathy's legs are too stubby to mount anything" Jakey rolls his eyes and calls up Kathy. "hey cathy-" "did you just call me cathy?! WITH A C?!" "yeah i'm sorry" "you'd better be; how would you like it if i spelled your name with a C, JACEY" Kathy hangs up on Jakey. "i guess we're not investigating anything" "oof never call a girl by the wrong name" "i remember the one time i called michelle 'mishelle' with an S and she wouldn't talk to me for a week" "JUST REMEMBERING THAT PISSES ME OFF; TAKE ME HOME"

MEMORY EIGHT [Kathy]
"hey kathy i'm really sorry about the other day; i brought you this to hopefully make up for it" Jakey hands Kathy an old shopping list. "how did you know i collected shopping lists?!" "you seemed the type; elegant, refined" "oh okay i forgive you BUT DON'T LET IT HAPPEN AGAIN" "i swear i won't kath-o" "don't call me that either" "deal" Jakey and Kathy enter Kathy's abode, made completely of cardboard, and have a great time until it is time for Kathy to go to bed and for Jakey to leave politely. "i had a great time good night kathy" "good night jakey" "wait i forgot my jacket" "oh fill out these requistion forms and i'll get it back to you in four-to-six weeks" "FOUR-TO-SIX WEEKS?! i can see it right there!!!" "the beaurocratic process is what separates us from the animals jakey" "wha-" "and if i hear one word to slander the beauty that is beaurocracy, i will throw that jacket in the incinerator" Jakey stares blankly at Kathy, then marches through her to grab his jacket. "I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THIS" Michelle walks up to Jakey as he walks off. "and i will never forgive you if you don't take me home"

MEMORY NINE [King Bran]
"hey jakey you know what would be funny" "if i sprayed you with my boutineer?" "you don't have a boutineer" "oh right" "it would be funny if you were to become president of the united states" "but i'm canadian, i'm banned from ever setting foot on american soil, and obama became president again just last year; i don't think they choose again so soon" "yeah that's why it would be funny" "fair enough; how do you propose i accomplish such a feat" "travel back in time to compete on america's next top president" "is that how they decide these things?" "yeah man" "boy am i glad i live in a monarchy" "same same" Jakey hops into the time machine to compete on America's Next Top President. "if you were to become president, what would you do with your newfound power" "i'd give everyone free ice cream" The other contestants begin to sweat feverishly, as their answers were nowhere near as good as Jakey's. The votes pour in, and Jakey is crowned America's Next Top President. "ICE CREAM FOR EVERYONE" The nation cheers Jakey on as they receive their free ice cream cones. "so does this mean i'm allowed back in the country" "ha ha no" "damn" Michelle walks up, licking her ice cream cone. "take me home"