Memories of Another Thing (2014)

MEMORY ONE [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey look at this shit" "i'm looking at it" "my windows are fucking WRECKED" "you really should have hired a professional to clean them rather than trying to do it yourself" "THAT'S JUST IT!!! I DID HIRE A PROFESSIONAL!!!" "did you check her credentials" "YES THOROUGHLY" "did you know what to look for when you checked them" "uh irrelevant; i need you to infiltrate the maid's business and bring her to JUSTICE" "i am amazing at bringing people to justice" "your track record with bringing females to justice is pretty suspect honestly" "i take offense to that" "i'd do it myself but i'm too busy being hysterical, and deputy orange is busy investigating that ice cream stand that gave me double chocolate fudge when i ASKED FOR death by chocolate" "did that upset you more or less than when you went to that salad place and got ranch dressing when you asked for cool ranch" "it wasn't THAT bad" Michelle walks up and hands Sheriff Antony a piping hot bowl of death by chocolate ice cream. "take me home"

MEMORY TWO [Sheriff Antony]
After tracking down the evil maid's place of business, Jakey discovers that she's off to Japan to 'clean' the windows of a high school, so he takes a trip across the sea. Kathy sits at the reception desk at the border. "konichiwa" "uh hi" "what is the purpose of your visit here today sir-san" "i'm here to check out the high school" "um-" "i'm looking for a girl" "UM SIR-SAN-" "it's okay i've got diplomatic immunity" Jakey flashes his prince of Canada badge. "oh go right in sir-san" Jakey heads to the high school, which is full of students and teachers almost ready to pack up for the day. "hello sir-san what brings you to our school today" "oh hi miss i'm looking for a vandal disguised as a cleaning lady" "oh boy that sounds like a mystery to me i love mysteries" "well i could use the help of someone who knows the school's layout; what's your name miss" "uh i don't have one" "how is that possible" "my parents both died of sudden and tragic heart attacks between childbirth and childnaming and the doctors thought it would be rude to name their child for them so i've just been cruising through life without a name" "how does that even work" "oh it doesn't and it's great; i can basically do whatever i want because teachers can't mark me absent or call me up to the blackboard or whatever" "i'm almost jealous" "it isn't all sunshine and roses though; i never receive any mail and i can't get my driver's license because i have no name to print on it" "well we can fix that if you want" "really? how" "i've got legal clout as the prince of canada; just pick a name and i'll christen you it" "oh boy i've always wanted to be christened" "so any good names coming to mind" "how about 'kathy'" "it's taken" "um there are lots of people who share the same name you know" "listen i don't want to know TWO kathys that's just confusing" "fine fine how about michelle" "that's my sister's name" "um okay how about valerie" Jakey gets a ping in the back of his neck. "something tells me that's not a good idea" "fine if you're going to be so fussy about it why don't you choose" "fine you can be um" Jakey goes through a list of names in his head. For what feels like eons, Jakey decides against many, many names for reasons that are not quite clear to him. "okay you're erin let's go" "all that time you took for THAT?!" "a name is something you'll carry with you for the rest of your LIFE if it's not perfect, then you'll hate me and blame me for the rest of your life" "i suppose you're right; better to waste five minutes now than to be called franzeldorf or something" "that's the spirit" Michelle walks up with a nametag that says 'hello my name is FRANZELDORF'. "take me home"

MEMORY THREE [Sheriff Antony]
"so now that we've wasted a LOT of time, do you know of any windows around here" "um yeah there are lots of them" "show me where you keep your windows" "oh yeah that would be the window room follow me" Erin leads Jakey through the school to the window room, which is a concrete room with no natural light, but piles and piles of windows. Jakey and Erin hunker down behind a stack of windows so caked with streaks that they cannot be seen through. "there she is" "what would posess someone to do such a thing" "my guess is demons" "damn those demons; damn them to hell" "luckily i brought demon-fighting equipment; check this out" Jakey hucks down a vial of holy water and charges in with a gigantic crucifix, pressing it straight to the maid's head. "what are you doing" "BANISHING YOU BACK TO HELL DEMON" "i'm not a demon" "that's just what a demon would say" "it's also what someone who isn't a demon would say" "irrelevant" "i'm just a little woman with big dreams" "you're like 5'10 you're not 'little' at all" "i am little in the grand scheme of the universe, but my mark WILL be left" Erin leaps up from behind the stack of windows and fires her gun straight through the forehead of the evil maid. "ERIN WHAT THE FUCK" "i thought that was my cue" "how am i supposed to win her over to the side of good and justice now?!" "uh you canadians always kill criminals first and ask questions later" "ONLY MALE CRIMINALS; female criminals are romanced into obedience" "does that work" "sometimes" "well i don't know if it'll do much but here you go" Erin hands Jakey a first aid kit. Jakey cracks open the first aid kit to find Michelle inside. "take me home"

MEMORY FOUR [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey do you remember my hit single, 'your love is like bad love'" "how could i not; it was all over the radio and internet for months" "well people have been bugging me to release a follow-up but i'm having a lot of trouble" "i don't doubt it; lightning never strikes the same bottle twice" "i concur; thus, i have been working on my stand-up routine" "ooh ooh i love to laugh hit me up with a joke" "okay okay: why did the chicken run away from the pavement" "why" "because he crossed the road" Jakey just stares at Sheriff Antony with a blank expression on his face. "you see, it's using the word 'crossed' for its OTHER meaning, as in he BETRAYED the road" "stick to music" "hey man it's not my fault you can't understand the brilliant wordplay at work here" "just because something makes total sense in your head doesn't mean that any other human being will understand it" "let's ask the deputy; YO DEPUTY LISTEN TO MY SICK JOKE" "i'd rather not after that last one you told me" "philistines" Michelle throws a tomato at Sheriff Antony. "take me home"

MEMORY FIVE [Deputy Orange]
"hey uh jakey can i borrow fifty bucks" "why" "well uh i borrowed money from some thugs last week because i had a CRAVING for a crunch bar and they're coming today and i kind of forgot about it and spent my money on this HYPER-X POGO STICK so i can't pay them back" "so your solution is to borrow money from someone else" "yeah i don't have many options; they said they'd break my legs if i didn't have their money" "well okay i'll let you borrow the fifty bucks but on ONE condition" "what's that" "i require a friendly handshake" Sweat beings to pour from Deputy Orange's brow, as he has only given one friendly handshake in his life. "any chance of getting a friend's discount" "i have clearly laid out my terms deputy" A knock is heard at the door. "deputy orange i am here to break your legs" "uh uh" Sweat continues to flow from Deputy Orange's brow by the gallon as he stares at Jakey's outstretched hand. "i-i i can't" "then i guess you don't like your legs very much" "why me" Deputy Orange firmly grabs Jakey's hand and shakes. "there you go" "that didn't feel very friendly to me" "still here to break your legs" Deputy Orange grabs Jakey's hand with all of his strength and shakes. The sheer force of the friendship dislocates Jakey's arm. "that's more like it" Jakey hands Deputy Orange a fifty Alabama Fun Bux note. Deputy Orange opens the door and hands the money to Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY SIX [King Bran]
"hey jakey do you remember my favourite pen" "yeah" "describe it to me" "it's got black ink, a fancy cap, and the whole thing is a yellow colour" "SEE EMELYN MY FAVOURITE PEN IS ICONIC TO MY IMAGE" "oh come on jakey doesn't count; he only remembers insignificant details and never the important ones" "um what's going on here" "well you know my maid emelyn right? she did the UNTHINKABLE yesterday" "did she use your royal pen?!" "WORSE SHE DONATED IT TO THE POOR" "IT WAS OUT OF INK" "WE HAVE INK REFILLS!!!" "WE ALSO HAVE MORE PENS" "emelyn you have done a lot of great work for me over the years, but this is the first and final straw; unless you can recover my pen and REPENT YOUR SINS, you are FIRED" Emelyn wants to say something back, but she knows that if she gets fired as the king's maid, she will never be able to work as a maid again. Emelyn walks out of the castle, and Jakey follows. "i'll help you look for it come on" "first thing we should do is hang up these posters that king bran printed out in the park" "he already had posters made up?" "he PREEMPTIVELY had them made out years ago" "his preparedness is admirable" Jakey and Emelyn hop into Jakey's custom vehicle known only as The Motherfucker, and head out to the park. "okay you take the east side and i'll take the west side" Jakey and Emelyn walk in the same direction. "fine i'll take the east side i guess" "i really wish you'd make up your mind" Jakey and Emelyn both walk in the other direction. "jakey do you understand which way is east" "do you?" "fine fine let me get out a compass" Emelyn pulls out a compass and learns that they're both heading south. "whatever; i'll take THIS side, you take THAT side" "okay okay" Jakey heads to his side, and is approached by another woman. "hello may i see your poster-hanging permit" "p-permit? this is a public park" "no it's my park that i own so you'll have to remo-" The woman looks at the poster, and is shocked. "KING BRAN'S PEN IS MISSING?!" "yeah" "BUT THAT'S HIS MOST ICONIC ACCESSORY!!! i wouldn't want to be the absolute clod who was supposed to be watching it when it went missing" "so will you help us" "for the king, yes; i, JULIA ARMELL, will track down this pen by any means necessary" Julia takes the posters from Jakey's hands and begins putting them up all over the park. No inch of the park is left uncovered by the posters. Michelle walks up and produces the pen itself. "i beat up a hobo for it" "HUZZAH!!! SHE HAS RECOVERED THE KINGLY ARTEFACT!!!" Julia lifts Michelle up and begins parading her around the park. "take me home"

MEMORY SEVEN [King Bran]
"thanks to princess michelle of canada recovering my pen from that filthy hobo, i am now complete again; KATHY fetch me a royal decree to sign; i have an itchy signing hand" Kathy places a decree in front of King Bran, and he signs it without even reading it, ecstatic to be reunited with his pen. In Kathy's carelessness and King Bran's eagerness, they fail to realise that King Bran just signed into binding law that King Bran's pen is now unable to be used to sign documents. "now then michelle; here is your medal" King Bran bestows upon Michelle the golden medal of righteousness for her service to the crown. "take me home"

MEMORY EIGHT [Deputy Orange]
"oh good jakey you're just in time; the big sports game match is about to start" "i have been looking forward to the big sports game match all year, ever since the last one" "the alabama motherfuckers are going to destroy the canada mooses" "fat chance; the mooses are undefeated - you cannot hope to defeat a team that is undefeated" "but the motherfuckers are also undefeated" "just because you are undefeated does not mean that you cannot be defeated in the future" "oh that makes sense" "interesting venue choice this year" "trailer park stadium is a classic from back when sports were sports and men were men" "i didn't say it was a bad one; i just wonder how the sissified version of the sport will fare in such rugged terrain" "it won't apparently" "what" "the game has been cancelled; trailer park stadium has been destroyed by a tornado" "OH COME ON the sportsmen of MY youth would have played through it REGARDLESS" "who is to blame for such a weak sport replacing what was once a proud tradition" Apalled by the weakness of the sport, Michelle storms out of the house. "TAKE ME HOME"

MEMORY NINE [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey we've got a missing persons report" "oh no" "this man has been missing for far too long so we've hired a witch to help find him" "i prefer magician thanks" "whatever; jakey, this is the great cheryl" "yeah i know; she was a substitute teacher back in high school" "I'VE GOT SOMETHING" Everyone crowds around the table The Great Cheryl had been working on. "he's right HERE" The Great Cheryl jabs her finger onto the book laid out onto the table. "OH YEAH that is him!!! i'd completed every single page of this where's waldo book except that one and it's been haunting me for YEARS; thanks TGC" "don't mention it; always happy to help our law enforcement officers when they pay the standard fee" The Great Cheryl teleports away. "now i can finally start on where's waldo 2" Sheriff Antony cracks open a fresh book and lays down on his stomach looking at it, kicking his legs back and forth. The Great Cheryl returns. "i believe this is yours" The Great Cheryl hands Michelle off to Jakey and teleports away. "take me home"

MEMORY TEN [King Bran]
"JAKEY THERE IS A HORRIBLE NEW FAD THE KIDS ARE INTO" "OH NO" "I MUST PUT A STOP TO IT" King Bran whips out his trademark pen and grabs some royal paper. "uh king bran it is illegal to sign decrees with your trademark pen" "WHAT" Jakey shows King Bran the law he signed to ban the use of his favourite pen for the purpose of signing decrees. "WHAT BUT BUT BUT WHY" "those horrible kids probably planned this out in advance" "DAMN THOSE KIDS" "sorry but you'll have to use a different pen" "A DIFFERENT WHAT" Jakey takes out a blue clicky pen and offers it to King Bran, who smacks it out of Jakey's hand. "I GUESS WE JUST HAVE TO LET THESE UNGRATEFUL KIDS RUIN OUR COUNTRY" A single tear rolls down Jakey's cheek. He vows then and there to find a way to get this horrible law abolished. A single tear rolls down Michelle's cheek. She vows then and there to find a way to get Jakey to take her home. "take me home"

MEMORY ELEVEN [King Bran]
"hey king bran can i see your pen; i've got a solution to your problem" "um okay but be careful" Jakey unscrews the pen, and begins swapping out components. "what are you doing?!" "trust me trust me" Eventually, Jakey has swapped out every single component of the pen, and assembled a second pen entirely of the first pen's components. "what did that accomplish" "this is not legally the same pen that was banned; this one is" Jakey holds up a standard Bic ballpoint pen. "now your pen is an entirely different pen from a legal and philosophical perspective" "oh boy" King Bran swipes his pen back and signs the law banning the use of yo-yos, as well as a new law prohibiting any single writing implement from being made illegal to use. He then begins swapping out the components of the pens again, to return his pen to its original legal and philosophical self. Michelle carries in a box of confiscated yo-yos and throws it into the incinerator. "take me home"

MEMORY TWELVE [King Bran]
"jakey my approval rating has SKYROCKETED and it is all thanks to you" King Bran hands Jakey the local newspaper. "'evil baron takes power with ancient pen that had been sealed away for years; only one pen known to be able to defeat it'" "no not that the other one" "but this seems important" "what could be more important than my approval rating?!" "good point" Jakey reads the article about King Bran before reading about the evil baron. "we should probably stop this evil baron" "how would we do that" "it says there is another pen that can defeat him" King Bran twirls his pen between his fingers. "hey king bran can i borrow your pen to defeat the evil baron" "no" "i'll give it right back" "get your own" "okay i will" Jakey leaves the castle, and returns a few minutes later. "hey king bran check out this fucking AMAZING PEN" Jakey holds up a pen he found by the side of the road. "it looks like it got run over by a semi-truck" "BUT IT SURVIVED AND STILL WRITES" Jakey grabs a piece of paper and begins scribbling. "fuck shit come on" Jakey holds a lighter up to the tip of the pen and begins scribbling. After a few seconds, ink comes out. "SEE IT IS SO MUCH COOLER THAN YOUR CRUMMY PEN" "cool i hope you enjoy it" "wanna trade" "nah" "curses" Michelle walks up and holds up another pen found by the side of the road. "take me home"

MEMORY THIRTEEN [King Bran]
"hey king bran i am holding your pen hostage" "YOU FIEND WHAT DO YOU EVEN WANT" "your pen" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO" King Bran hops into the kingly limousine and races to the warehouse Jakey is hiding in. Jakey is incognito, wearing the most impenetrable disguise known to man: a pair of glasses with a nose and moustache. "GIVE ME BACK MY PEN YOU FIEND" "do you have the payment" "no because you have my pen which i need to use to pay you" "well i guess we're at a standstill then" "wait you should give me my pen so that i can give it to you for the safe return of my pen" "oh yeah good idea" Jakey hands King Bran his pen, then King Bran hands Jakey his pen. "ah yes that will do nicely" Jakey hands King Bran back his pen. "thanks" King Bran skips merrily out of the warehouse. Jakey exits the warehouse smiling, for now he has what he desires. "wait, FUCK" Jakey slaps himself on the face, having ruined his only opportunity. Michelle, however, siezes her opportunity. "take me home"

MEMORY FOURTEEN [King Bran]
Unable to acquire King Bran's pen, Jakey makes one last effort to stop the evil baron. He cobbles together a pen out of the best pieces of pen he can find; pens that have survived being run over by trucks, survived tornadoes and explosions, and pens that have written great works. He eventually creates the pen to end all pens, and rushes onward to face the evil baron. "THE EVIL BARON, I HAVE COME TO STOP YOUR NEFARIOUS PLANS" "oh hey jakey actually just before you got here i realised that i had gone mad with power and am now turning myself in to the local authorities" "but but" "i'm glad we could resolve this with minimal bloodshed jakey" Deputy Orange drags the evil baron away, leaving Jakey alone and unfulfilled. Michelle walks up and gives him a pat on the back. "take me home"

MEMORY FIFTEEN [Sheriff Antony]
"it sure was good of that the evil baron guy to turn himself in wasn't it jakey" Jakey grumbles under his breath. "and check it out i got this sweet new pen out of the deal" "uh sheriff-" "look i used it to cure my writer's block and create the next number one jam!!!" "uh-" "check it" Sheriff Antony turns on the demo tape, and the new jam rings out from the speakers. "isn't this just more than a feeling" "ha no it-it totally is" Sheriff Antony hucks the evil pen into the incinerator. "that's what we do with plagiarists" "word" Michelle walks up and begins hucking more pens into the incinerator. "take me home"