Memories of The Next Big Thing (2015)

MEMORY ONE [Sheriff Antony]
"yo yo jakey i've got another MYSTICAL OBJECT OF POWER for you to ingest" "uh-huh; hey why don't YOU try ingesting one of these 'powerful objects" "no; after my unfortunate accident while under the influence of the rubies, i have sworn off performance-enhancing gemstones" "oh well in that case, i guess i've sworn off of them too" "welp guess you're not going to get the power of flight then" At the mention of the power of flight, Jakey's eyes light up and he gobbles down the object in question. "UP UP AND AWAY!!!" Jakey attempts to fly, but is unable to. "i thought you said these would give me the power of flight" "no i said that you wouldn't get the power of flight if you didn't eat these; it just so happens that you wouldn't get the power of flight if you did eat these either" "i have no one but myself to blame for falling victim to your masterful command of the english language" "but hey if it's any consolation, i'll give you this thing" Sheriff Antony hands to Jakey a Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY TWO [Sheriff Antony]
"yo sheriff why are you hoarding all this blood" "there really isn't that much here" "i am waist-deep in blood" "this is like a thousand people, tops" "what even do you do with this blood" "did you know that you can make diamonds out of blood" "what no" "it's true i read all about it in the new alabamanian times" Sheriff Antony holds up a newspaper. "'blood diamonds'?!" "it is my goal to create diamonds out of blood and then sell them for outrageous prices" "you should accept donations from people, then give them diamonds made of their own blood" "that is a brilliant idea" Sheriff Antony writes down Jakey's idea in his blood-stained notebook. "jakey did you know that people just GIVE BLOOD AWAY to hospitals" "what the fuck why" "i have no clue; get out there and relieve them of the blood they obviously don't need" "can do" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives down to the hospital. Kathy sits at the reception desk, playing with a paddleball. "where do you guys keep all the blood" "down the hall, first door on your left" "thanks" Jakey follows Kathy's directions, and opens the door. He is immediately washed away by a torrent of blood flowing from the room. "AUGH WHY DON'T THEY PUT IT IN BAGS OR SOMETHING" Jakey is washed out the front door, and he and all the blood wash into The Motherfucker. "convenient" Jakey heads back to Sheriff Antony. "MORE BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD" "FINALLY, I HAVE COLLECTED ENOUGH BLOOD" "you mean-" "yes COMMENCE THE PROCESS" The blood filling the room drains into a large machine. The machine crackles and pops as the blood inside slowly condenses. After several minutes, a faint "ding" is heard. "YES IT IS DONE; FIVE THOUSAND GALLONS OF BLOOD HAVE CREATED THIS" Sheriff Antony triumphantly holds up a small diamond. "cool where's the rest of them" "... rest of them?" Sheriff Antony stares at Jakey with his head cocked to the side. "yes the other diamonds made by those gallons of blood" "jakey i do not think you understand science" "i suppose not" Michelle walks up and places a gigantic barrel of blood at Sheriff Antony's feet. "take me home"

MEMORY THREE [Deputy Orange]
"jakey my girlfriend left me yesterday and i miss her so much and i've been using this no more tears shampoo but the tears won't stop coming" "this sounds serious; you should sue" "my ex-girlfriend?" "NO the shampoo company; they claim with their product there will be no more tears but here they fucking are after how many uses" "you're right jakey i am going to sue" "that's the spirit" Michelle exits the shower, hair covered in shampoo, and eyes wet with tears in addition to the standard water used for showering. "take me home"

MEMORY FOUR [Gwendolyn]
"jakey you and i are going to kill zeus" "yes he has had it coming for a long time" Jakey peers out the window at Gwendolyn's next door neighbour, Zeus Johnson. "i can't stand that man" "howdy neighbour!!!" "FUCK OFF ZEUS" "okay; have a great day gwendy" "FUCK YOU" "can't stand that man" "soon we won't have to" Jakey and Gwendolyn enter Zeus Johnson's house and set up their revengeance; a revenge so thick with vengeance that it permeates the very air and stains Zeus Johnson's carpets as black as night. They hide in a vent connecting their apartment to Zeus Johnson's and wait for their beautiful revengeance to take hold. "honey i'm ho-" Zeus Johnson opens the door to his apartment, and gallons of crude oil soak him from head to toe. "oh no i am allergic to crude oil" Zeus Johnson puffs up to the size of a guy who is allergic to crude oil and has been covered in said substance, blowing out his doorframe. "i am so embarassed and also going into cardiac arrest" Zeus Johnson's heart stops, and he collapses to the floor. The sheer weight of his allergies sends him careening down several storeys through the floor. Jakey and Gwendolyn give eachother a high-five, and return from whence they came, where they are greeted by Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY FIVE [Gwendolyn]
"jakey something horrible has happened" "oh no how did i not see this coming" "zeus johnson's son, hercules johnson, is back from american college and has found out about his father's murder" "oh yeah those were some good times" Gwendolyn nods. "regardless of how fond those memories have become, right now they are going to cause us trouble" "that is fine with me, as i have a plan" Jakey and Gwendolyn get to work on Jakey's masterful plan; a plan so masterful that Jakey ought to be crowned "Master of Plans" then and there. He briefly considers calling the National Planning Committee, but quickly decides against it, as he is confident that his plan will find its way into the Annals of Historical Plans on its own. Hercules Johnson kicks down the door to Gwendolyn's apartment, wearing his regulation America University Fighting Holocaust Survivors uniform. His veins bulge as gallons and gallons of steroid-infused blood trickles through his 5'3" frame. "uh shorty, you do know that the holocaust didn't actually happen right" "FIVE-FOOT-THREE IS THE AVERAGE MALE HEIGHT" "sorry what was that; i couldn't hear you down there" Enraged, Hercules Johnson charges into Gwendolyn, setting Jakey's plan in motion. Gwendolyn quickly side-steps the assault and smacks Hercules Johnson with a frying pan. Hercules Johnson appears unfazed. "UH JAKEY THAT DIDN'T WORK" "..." "..." "well that's all i got" "HAHA YOU CANNOT STOP ME FOR I AM-" A gunshot rings out as Hercules Johnson looks down, terrified, to find a hole where his heart is supposed to be. A smirk appears on Jakey's face as he holsters his gun. "they always told me it would be the steroids that would kill me, not the hubris" Hercules Johnson falls to the floor, dead. As the steroids drain from his body, his form diminishes down to nothing. "i told you it was a great plan" "indeed you did" Michelle begins gathering the steroids into a bucket to use later. "take me home"

MEMORY SIX [Crazy Svart]
"jakey i am making my masterpiece videogame" "oh wow" "yes but due to budgetary concerns i have to decide whether it should have brown or bloom" "hmm well with enough bloom you can disguise the lack of brown" "oh yes good point" Crazy Svart pulls a lever, draining all of the liquefied money into "bloom". "viola it is finished" Crazy Svart turns on the television and a blinding light erupts from it. "i can't see anything" "that means it's working" "i know what it means i'm not a casual" "welp i'm off to E3 wish me luck" "godspeed" Crazy Svart packs his game and goes off to E3. Jakey tunes in on Crazy Svart's TV. "HELLO I WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU MY NEW GAME" "wow" "how much graphics does it have" "720" "oh good because i hate it when my games have over 1000 graphics" "how many frames on the second" "30" "oh thank god; silky-smooth and cinematic; just how i like it" "is there any gameplay in this? if so i don't want it" "oh no i can safely say that we did not include any gameplay" "is there any day-one or pre-order downloadable content" "uh no" "what kind of developer doesn't include day-one downloads?!" "VERY unprofessional" "worst of E3? definitely" Crazy Svart is booed off the stage, and Michelle takes his place. "this is my new game; it is called take me home"

MEMORY SEVEN [Crazy Svart]
"jakey we have reports of a fire" "ON IT" Jakey slides down the fire pole and hops into the firetruck, speeding out of Crazy Svart's Used Firefighters. "WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO" Jakey sees his target, a house set ablaze, and stops the firetruck. "WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM MA'AM" Kathy stares at Jakey, mouth agape, and flings her hands out to the side while the building behind her burns. "i don't speak sign language ma'am" "THE BUILDING BEHIND ME IS ON FIRE AND I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE THE OPPOSITE TO BE TRUE" "oh why didn't you just say so" Jakey unravels the fire hose and hooks the truck up to a hydrant. Jakey carefully aims the hose at the burning building and fires streams of high-pressure water at it, dousing the blaze. Soon, there is no fire left in the building. Jakey hands Kathy a slip of paper and hops back into the fire truck. "WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO" "FIVE HUNDRED ALABAMA FUN BUX?!" Kathy cautiously glances from side to side and pops the bill into her mouth, swallowing it whole. Kathy begins to whistle, and walks over to the burnt building. "OOPS" Kathy kicks the building over, and the pieces of it and the people inside it fall into the back of the Kathymobile. Kathy cranks the radio as high as it will go, blasting "Lovefool" to mask her nervous, maniacal laughter. She drives the Kathymobile to the pier, where she accelerates and dives out of the Kathymobile just before it hits the water. The Kathymobile sinks to the ocean floor, sending its secrets down with it. Kathy nervously laughs as she walks away from the scene of the crime. Jakey returns to the station just in time to see Michelle slide down the fire pole. "take me home"

MEMORY EIGHT [Crazy Svart]
"jakey someone has called to rent an ambulance" "ON IT" Jakey slides down the hospital pole and hops into the ambulance, speeding out of Crazy Svart's Used Ambulances. "WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO WEE WOO" Jakey sees his target, Deputy Orange, who is bleeding to death. "HERE'S YOUR AMBULANCE SIR" Jakey hops out and salutes the dying deputy, turning on one heel and walking off with his hands in his pockets, whistling badly. Michelle follows, whistling even worsely. "take me home"

MEMORY NINE [Crazy Svart]
"and in further news, several locations have reported hauntings within the span of just a few days; with the haunting epidemic in full swing, be sure to be ready for a ghost to haunt you soon" "i already am, news reportour" Crazy Svart clicks off the news and holds up an old vaccuum cleaner. "i've watched the movies" Suddenly, the power is cut to the entire building. "WAIT SHIT MY VACCUUM NEEDS TO BE PLUGGED IN TO WORK NOOOOOOOOOO" Crazy Svart grabs a flashlight off the shelf. "OH FUCK NO MY FLASHLIGHTS ALSO NEED TO BE PLUGGED IN TO WORK" "d-do they actually make such a thing" "oh yes the premise is to not require constant purchases of batteries" "oh that makes sense" "also how'd you get in here the doors are all locked so you couldn't get in unless you're a-a-OH GOD IT'S A BURGLAR" "no i'm the burglar" Jakey waves from across the room before realising he can't be seen in the darkness. This embarrasses him slightly, but since no one actually saw it, the blow is softened a bit. "oh then you must be the-the-THE GHOST" Crazy Svart runs around in circles with his arms above his head, screaming to get away from Claire. "well that was simple" "i'll just take this neato flashlight and we can be on our way" The power is suddenly restored, and Michelle shines the flashlight in Jakey's eyes. "take me home"

MEMORY TEN [Crazy Svart]
"jakey i need to go to the doctor to get vaccinated" "you're a brave man, risking autism like that" "wha-vaccines don't cause autism" "uh yeah they do" "watch as i get vaccinated and do not contract autism" "lead the way" Crazy Svart and Jakey head to the hospital. The current doctor is out, so they are treated to the substitute doctor, The Great Cheryl. "HELLO PATIENT" "hello" "ARE YOU READY TO ROCK" "um yes?" "good" "i'd like a-" "UM SORRY i don't TAKE requests" "um-" "lay down on your stomach" "but-" "LAY DOWN ON YOUR STOMACH" Crazy Svart does as he is told. "i like to call this little number 'colonoscopy'" "CAN WE TALK ABOUT THIS FIRST" Jakey slips out of the room as Crazy Svart's horrifying screams pierce the air. Michelle puts on earmuffs to muffle the noise. "take me home"

MEMORY ELEVEN [The Great Cheryl]
"so like i had this idea right? why don't we combine two of history's greatest magic tricks: pull a rabbit out of a hat, then saw it in half" "then you magically return the rabbit to being a whole rabbit right" The Great Cheryl's face contorts into a visage of pure confusion. "what, do i use a stapler?" "i was thinking a glue stick" "all right i'll have an intern get two test setups ready, one with a stapler and one with a glue stick and we'll see which one is more magical" The Great Cheryl unclasps her hand, releasing confetti as she says 'magical'. "while we're waiting on that, i'd like you to be my spotter while i perform my newest trick jonathan; this is the most dangerous trick ever performed by mortal (wo)man" "i'm here for you" The Great Cheryl nods and places a single yellow 2x4 LEGO brick on the ground. "wait you're not seriously going to-" "SILENCE THIS REQUIRES TOTAL CONCENTRATION" The room grows silent as The Great Cheryl steels herself for the greatest trick anyone could ever hope to witness. The Great Cheryl takes off both her socks and sandals, meaning there will be no barrier between her tender flesh and what it is about to come in contact with. Jakey can't even breathe as he watches the bravest woman to ever exist walk across the stage, directly toward the LEGO brick. The Great Cheryl's right foot presses down on the LEGO brick, and she continues walking as if nothing had happened. "WHAT" "ta-da!!!" The Great Cheryl winks at the audience and pulls off a bunch of cute poses, then quickly returns to her normal, impatient self. "does this look broken to you" "not at all, shockingly" Michelle comes out in a hazmat suit and disposes of the LEGO brick. "take me home"

MEMORY TWELVE [Candice]
"jakey someone has invented a process by which buildings can be constructed instantly once permission has been granted by the government, without needing to have materials or workers" "that sounds amazingly convenient, but also horrible for our economy and the job market" Candice nods. "we need to destroy the entire family of the person who would DARE to do this and SALT THE EARTH SO NO ONE CAN RAISE A FAMILY ON THAT DAMNED GROUND EVER AGAIN" Jakey nervously glances from side to side. "let's uh start with destroying the invention and see where it goes from there" "all right" Jakey and Candice hop into The Motherfucker and drive to Mojavistan, where the offending laboratory sits. Jakey and Candice crawl through the ventilation ducts to the room over the laboratory proper. "there it is" "FOR THE MIDDLE-CLASS" Candice dive-bombs the machine, getting stuck in its smokestack. "mmf mmmmf!!!" "ah shit wait there" "MMF MMMF MMMF" Jakey drops down into the room and attempts to pull Candice out of the smokestack, but cannot. "uh uh give me a minute" "mmffffffffffff" Jakey fiddles with some knobs and dials, causing the smokestack to erupt, spitting out not only Candice, but a metric shitload of carbon monoxide. "is this how it ends" Jakey fumbles around and finds a single gasmask, which he affixes to Candice's face. Jakey puts Candice's arm over his shoulder and walks her out through the gas, throwing a single grenade into the smokestack as he does. The machine explodes, releasing more and more carbon monoxide into the room. Jakey weakly walks Candice out of the room, and collapses before he can exit himself. "jakey wake up" Candice drags Jakey out of the room by the leg. "please wake up i would really appreciate it" Candice writes a formal letter requesting that Jakey wake up. "what happened" "oh thank you so much for responding to my letter" Jakey looks down to see a letter written in horrible handwriting on Candice's personal letterhead. "um you're welcome coroice" "wha-" Candice looks at her letter. "that clearly says 'conobe' thank you very much" Michelle walks up and hands Jakey her own letter written in horrible handwriting. "'loke ne nane'?" "what that clearly says 'take me home'"

MEMORY THIRTEEN [Valerie]
Jakey wanders and wanders until he can't wander any more, searching high and low for a new cute girl to meet. His final wander takes him to a graveyard. "oh i'm sure there are hundreds of cute girls here" Jakey knocks on the door to the gravekeeper's shack. "GAH" A loud crash is heard, and soon the door opens. "h-hello" "hi there my name is jakey" "i-i-i'm v-valerie" "i am a wandering um task-doer; do you need help with any tasks" "w-well i've been h-having trouble o-opening this j-jar" Valerie produces a glass jar. "stand back i got this" Valerie takes a step back as Jakey holds the jar in his left hand. Jakey wiggles the fingers on his right hand, then drives them straight onto the lid, clasping it with all his strength. Jakey twists and twists and twists and twists again, but nothing happens. "okay check this out" Jakey spins 180, tosses the jar in the air, pulls out his gun, and shoots the lid off in midair. Jakey then catches the jar without spilling its contents or breaking the jar. "here you are" "wh-what happened to the lid" The lid falls down from the air straight into Jakey's hand. "without a scratch" "w-wow" Valerie sets the opened jar down on a table and grabs another jar. "c-can you do it again" Jakey grabs the jar and repeats the process, opening the second jar as Valerie smiles and claps. Jakey goes to grab the lid to the second jar out of the air, but Michelle grabs it before he can. "take me home"

MEMORY FOURTEEN [King Bran]
"AS YOU KNOW, our countries are at peace with eachother" "fuck yeah they are" "to fifty more years of peace between alabama and canada" "sorry, you mean 'canada and alabama'" "no, i meant what i said" Jakey tilts his head down and looks at King Bran past the top of his head. "do you mean to insult my nation's honour" "no but alabama has so much more honour than canada it isn't even funny" Jakey recoils in disgust and anger, then splashes King Bran with the contents of his glass of arsenic-spiked champagne. "you do realise that this means war" "i do now" Jakey storms out of Alabama Hall and calls for his troops. Because he didn't use a megaphone, the only one who shows up is Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY FIFTEEN [King Bran]
"canada is a nation of peace but in order to remain at peace, sometimes we must go to war" Jakey begins to pace back and forth in front of his troops. "SO IT IS with a heavy heart that i, in my role as the prince of canada and thus head of the canadian military, must lead my troops into war against the nation of alabama; i did not want to go to war, but recent events have forced my hand" Jakey stops pacing and turns toward his men. "men, i know that the last thing any of you want is to die on foreign soil, and it will pain me to reconvene here without any one of you, but what we do now, we do for the glory of canada" A single tear streams down Jakey's cheek as the Canadian flag rises on the flagpole. The music of the Canadian national anthem begins to play, and everyone in attendance sings as one, fighting back single tears. "o canada etc. etc." Jakey presses the big red button, launching a nuclear missile from its silo. "o canada, we stand on guard for thee" The missile is bright white, with a red tip and fins, and a red maple leaf on the side. The missile heads for its destination, but is destroyed over the ocean when another nuclear missile crashes into it. "GODDAMMIT I ONLY BOUGHT ONE NUCLEAR MISSILE" Jakey throws his hat to the ground in disgust and storms off, straight into Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY SIXTEEN [King Bran]
"i've realised that a lot of people i care about live in alabama and that the two countries' economies and trade industries complement eachother very well or whatever, so complete destruction of the nation may not be the best idea so instead we are just going to assassinate their complete cunt of a king and hope his successor isn't a cunt" Jakey rolls down a rolled-up curtain with his plans on it. "every wednesday morning at 3 PM king bran and his body double go out for a walk at alabama national park" Jakey points a picture of a book depository. "sniper 1, me, will fire at one of the kings from this book depository, and sniper 2, secret agent grace-" "wait a minute; if i'm here and everyone knows about me now i can't very well be a 'secret' agent can i" "oh yeah sorry; ahem: sniper 2, special agent grace, will fire at the other king from this grassy knoll" "sounds good" "let's move out" Jakey and Grace hop into The Motherfucker and fly on down to Alabama. "everyone in positions" "check" "fire on three ready?" Grace nods, but quickly realises that Jakey can't actually see her and feels shame and embarrassment. "THREE" Jakey and Grace fire, killing both King Brans in the park. "great job team-wait what's this" Jakey looks down his scope to see the real King Bran mooning him. "DAMN HE HAD A BODY TRIPLE" Jakey and Grace both attempt to fire their sniper rifles at King Bran, but both hear clicking sounds. "DAMMIT WE SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT MORE THAN ONE BULLET" "to be fair though if this had worked properly, we would have been praised for not wasting so much money on bullets" "true true" Michelle walks up and hands Jakey her bullet, but by then, King Bran is gone. "take me home"

MEMORY SEVENTEEN [King Bran]
"i don't know what to do; that fucker king bran has been one step ahead of me for TOO LONG" "maybe you should call someone and get an outside perspective on the issue" "GREAT IDEA GRACE; i'll call my best buddy, king bran" Jakey dials up King Bran. "yo king bran bro what's up" "oh you know, i've just been playing tetris for the past few hours" King Bran looks at the clock. "uh scratch that; i've been playing tetris nonstop for the past four months" "wait how is that even possible" "yeah you'd think i'd need to stop for food or drink or something" "no i mean how could you have been playing tetris for four months if you JUST insulted me and my nation at the peace talks the other day" "WHAT i would never" "then who-" "I'M GOING TO GIVE THIS IMPOSTER A PIECE OF MY MIND" King Bran hands his Tetris game off to Emelyn and storms up to the castle to confront the other King Bran. Jakey was also coincidentally nearby. "GET OFF MY THRONE YOU FIEND" "welp i've been found out; i had a good run though" The imposter disappears, leaving an empty throne behind. Spraypainted on the back of the throne is a message: LOKI WUZ HERE "DAMN THAT LOKI" "if loki can impersonate even king bran, who knows who he may turn into next" "or who he has turned into before; imagine if you're sitting there, holding hands with a girl and kissing her on the face, and it's actually loki the entire time" "WHAT NO HE CAN'T DO THAT" "do you know that for a fact?" Gallons of sweat begin to pour down Jakey's face. Michelle brings him a napkin. "take me home"