Memories of Nothing Lasts Forever (2006 - November)

MEMORY ONE [Teachour]
"class, today we will be learning about the forested regions to the northeast of alabama" "ugh the mystic forest again" Jakey stares out the window, not caring about those hippie-dippie elves one bit. Jakey spots a sophomore outside, having recess. "wait, high school kids don't have recess" Jakey's curiosity is piqued, and he believes he knows everything about the forested regions, so he plays his trump card. "excuse me, i have a royal canadian thing to attend to so if you'll excuse me" Jakey zips out of the classroom, and outside to where the sophomore is playing. "hello miss; are you on recess?" "yeah" "most kids don't get recess in high school" "yeah and i thought that was bullshit so i've been resisting it" "excuse me?" "resistance is a hobby of mine; i can resist anything" "really?" "yeah i've resisted all attempts the teachers make to give me their 'knowledge', and right now, in fact, i'm resisting your ability to remember that you just met me" "nice try, but i'd never forget someone who can score me a recess instead of hearing about elves for the umpteenth time" "cool, then what's my name?" "you never told me" "didn't i? or did you just forget it? because i resisted your memory of my name?" "uh" The strange girl swiftly climbs a tree, and Jakey completely forgets what he was doing outside. "why am i out here?" Michelle walks up behind him. "because you were about to take me home"

MEMORY TWO [Claire Who Is a Ghost]
Jakey stands at his locker, chatting with Claire, who is haunting the locker next to his. "so then i says to teachour, you know what i says? i says-" "LOCKER INSPECTION" A young underclassman waddles up to Jakey's locker. "my name is ruth barlow, i'm with the school's inspection team" "you don't seem too thrilled about it" "i wanted to be on the drama team or even like the football team but my parents said i had to be on the inspection team" "rough" "regardless, please step aside so i can inspect your locker" Jakey steps aside, and Ruth gazes intently inside the locker. "not a speck of dust inside; you've been dilligent" "i've never dusted anything in my life; someone from the canadian royal court must do it in my place" "interesting" Ruth takes note after note. "your locker is the neatest i've ever seen" "yeah it's weird; i usually just shove things inside of it haphazardly, but it's neat as a whistle every time i come back to it" Ruth slams Jakey's locker shut and stamps it with her "PASSED" stamp. She then uses her key to open the next locker, which belongs to Michelle. Inside it is Michelle herself. "take me home"

MEMORY THREE [Ruth]
Jakey heads into the gymnasium, where the juniors are getting ready to play a classic game of tackle football on the hardwood floors. The shirts team is playing their eternal rivals, the skins team. The official game inspector, Ruth, heads to centerfield. Emelyn, the captain of the skins team, is disgusted by what she sees. "hey hey wait this isn't fair; the referee is clearly a shirt" King Bran confers with his team, the shirts. "we of the shirts would like to extend an olive branch to our rivals; we request that the game inspector take off her shirt to make the skins team more comfortable" "do i have to" "i just do not feel comfortable with a referee who does not know the trials and tribulations of being a skin" Ruth sighs and removes her shirt, revealing a bra underneath. "what the fuck is that?" "by wearing this bra, i am neither shirt nor skin; i am neutral" "we of the shirts would prefer it if the inspector would take off the bra as well, to make the skins more comfortable" "seconded" Ruth grumbles under her breath, removing her bra. "that's better" "can we just begin now? or should i take off the rest of my clothes?" "well, if you're offering" Ruth shoves the ball into King Bran's hands, and the game begins. Sixty minutes of non-stop football action occurs as the shirts and the skins remain in a deadlock. The final play of the game, the skins make a miraculous hail mary touchdown to the game's MVP, Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY FOUR [Emelyn]
"hey jakey i just got my driver's license so now i can drive king bran to all the place he needs to go" "just the one?" "well, i bring him everything he needs from outside the castle, aside from education" "sounds about right; do you have any other licenses" "oh, i have a fishing license, in case the king bran wants some fresh fish" "nice" "i wanted to get a liquor license, but they said i'm too young" "yeah, it's bullshit; they revoked my sister's priestess license when she tried to get her liquor license, and all she's done since is go to school and ask to be taken home" "isn't that what she always did" "yeah, but now there is a longing in her eye; a yearning" "a craving?" "i wouldn't go quite that far" Michelle walks up and attempts to bless Emelyn, but breaks down in tears when she remembers. "take me home"

MEMORY FIVE [Ruth]
"hello and welcome to the school's annual pizza-eating contest; i am your host, ruth barlow, the head of the school's inspection team, and here are our contestants!!! from parts unknown, our newest transfer student, lilith raven sierra o'darkenheim!!!" "life is a black hole of endless despair" "cheery!!! next is uh who are you? we don't have a student record for you" "i am here to resist hunger in front of these pizzas; pay me no mind" "sure thing; third, we have julia-hey wait you dropped out" "there's no rule against dropouts competing in the pizza-eating contest, is there?" "i suppose not" "then there you go" "and finally, the foreign prince of canada, jakey!!! on your mark, get set, go!!!" Julia and Lilith both stuff their faces with slice after slice. The strange, unknown girl sits and does nothing. Jakey eats two slices of pizza at a moderate pace, then raises his hand. "can i get a box for this? to go?" Julia and Lilith take a break from stuffing their faces to laugh at Jakey having entered a pizza-eating contest, only to eat two slices. "oh, laugh it up; nowhere in the rules does it say that he who eats the most pieces wins; it says the best TECHNIQUE wins!!! while you've stuffed your faces through a whole pizza already, i have had a satisfying meal, and will have three more in my future" The crowd gasps audibly. Ruth raises Jakey's arm to the sky, declaring him the winner. Michelle presents him with the sash and tiara. "take me home"

MEMORY SIX [Teachour]
"class, today, we have a new transfer student today from the future; her name is posy" "posy? that's not a normal flower name like rose or violet or baby's breath" "my original, future name is so futuristic that your ears wouldn't be able to process it" "fair enough i suppose" "you believed that?" "i wasn't supposed to?" "telling you my real name now would violate causality" "whatever; which schoolyard gang are you joining" "pardon?" "every student needs to enter one of the school's gangs; it's a rite of passage" "what are my options" "well, there's the east-side thugs, the west-side ne'erdowells, the north-side hooligans, the south-side fighting avocados, and the middle-side ruffians" "middle-side?" "yeah i don't know either; it sounds like they wanted to fit in but just ended up sounding stupid" "unfortunately, i know the feeling" "sounds like a perfect fit then" "wait no i wanted to be a fighting avocado" "you'd never fit in with the fighting avocados!!! we're a different breed; a cut above" "who's in the fighting avocados" "me, my sister, and that underclassman with the rubber stamper" "oh she demanded i strip naked earlier so she could inspect my underwear, but i just ran away thinking she was attempting to haze me" "and that's why you weren't allowed in the fighting avocados" "please let me in; i'll do anything!!!" Michelle stands up imposingly over Posy's frame. "take me home" "RIGHT AWAY MA'AM!!!" "no, i was talking to jakey; take me home"

MEMORY SEVEN [Gwendolyn]
"gwendolyn can you do me a favour" "what's up" "could you join my school's PTA, posing as my parent" "i've already gone to a school dance with you as your girlfriend, i'd get arrested" "could you pretend to be a teacher then" "same result; what do you even want me to do that for anyway" "i need someone to try and help me pass this new schoolwide dress code ordinance" Jakey hands Gwendolyn his official documents. "'from this day hence, all female students age 15 and up must be showing at least six inches of cleavage; if the student does not have that much cleavage to show, breast implants will be mandatorily supplied at the taxpayer's expense'" "i thought it was about time my taxes went to a good cause" "you're 16 and canadian, you don't pay taxes in this country" "irrelevant" "listen, i'd love to do this, i really would, but i'm not interested in going to jail; ask that construction lady to do it" "i already did; she immediately decided to build a better school for our nation's best and bustiest" Jakey holds up the newspaper, where King Bran gives Candice the monarch's medal of honour. "why not just transfer to that school then" "i want the girls i know to get implants, for their sake; they're never going to get a man this way" "well, until someone creates a charity for lesser-income families to acquire free breast implants for their flat-chested kids, i don't think this is feasible" "if only there were some kind of living saint around to form such an organisation" "amen" Jakey and Gwendolyn hang their heads as Michelle struts into the room, showing six inches of cleavage. "take me home"

MEMORY EIGHT [Teachour]
"hey kids, i'm going on vacation to aruba; this is your substitute teacher, arabella hughes; have fun" "ara ara~ so many fresh-faced young pupils here at the school; you remind me so much of my own beautiful daughter; she is the joy of my life, and i have no idea what i would do if anything happened to her; i'd probably go crazy, so crazy that you probably wouldn't recognise me" "give to me more information on this daughter; is she hot" "it depends if you find 98.6 hot" A bass drum rolls across the floor. "but seriously, she's 4 years old" "oh, a bit young for my taste; i haven't wanted to date a four-year-old since i was ten" "what" "enough about me; your daughter?" "oh yes, her name is hayden and she's cuter than any buttons i've ever seen; here is a long procession of pictures of her that will take up the entire class" Arabella shows the class picture after picture of her darling Hayden. "she's told me that it's her dream to be a campaign manager and/or a secretary, which i thought were strange dreams for a four-year-old, but refreshingly realistic" "any hobbies?" "she loves mowing the lawn, and would be absolutely devastated if she was faced with an unkempt lawn and no way to make it kempt again" "sounds like she has a bright future ahead of her" "yes, who knows what she'll be doing eighteen years from now" Posy seems like she's struggling not to raise her hand, as if to blurt out Hayden's fate. Michelle cuts Posy's tension with a classic Michelle line. "when's lunch" The crowd laughs; classic Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY NINE [Teachour]
"hey kids i'm back from aruba" "you were only gone for one day" "it was a special one-day vacation deal; i got to see the sights, surf the waves, and experience hotel luxury, all in time for work the next day" "sounds soul-crushing" "yeah, but that's life; anyway, let's review our lesson on the forests to the northeast of alabama" Just then, the urge to expell urine overwhelms Jakey, having dranken several Mountain Dews just prior. "excuse me teachour may i use the bathroom" "i appreciate your use of 'may' instead of 'can', but i must refuse; last time i lent out the bathroom key, someone misplaced it and i had to spend all day looking for it, and i wasn't able to pack for my one-day round trip to the north pole so i was freezing" "can i go in through the bathroom window" "you'll need the bathroom window key, which is hidden behind countless unsolvable riddles and traps" "you lost it didn't you?" "i refuse to answer the question" "can i go outside and piss on a tree then?" "fine, just make sure you're back quickly" Jakey runs out to the tree and relieves himself. The strange girl from earlier hops out of the tree. "haha!!! so you are in need of the bathroom window key? ANSWER, THEN, MY RIDDLES THREE!!!" "i don't need it any more; i've already relieved myself" "what how?!" Jakey motions to a wet patch on the tree. "what is this wizardry?!" "i'm going to go now" "WAIT please answer my riddles three; i stayed up all night writing them" "is the key in your pocket" "i-irrelevant; answer my riddles three" "no thanks, i promised michelle i'd answer HER riddles three this afternoon" Michelle walks up as an eerie fog covers the area. "what walks on two legs and is about to take me home"
THE END