Memories of Anything and Everything (2016)

MEMORY ONE [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey i have heard troubling reports from the local high school; i need you to go down there and replace the standard school police guy" "got it chief" Jakey heads down to the school, and reports for duty. "oh good you're here; we've got a truant and we need you to bring him to JUSTICE" "ON IT" Jakey hops aboard his truancy tricycle and puts on his siren. "citizen get back to class" "you can't make me faggot" The truant student flicks a lit cigarette at Jakey. "we will see who the faggot is once this is all over" Jakey heads to the school's garage and affixes a plow blade to his tricycle, then rams straight into the truant at full speed, shoving him straight down the hallway toward his classroom. "NO YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME I HAVE RIGHTS" "not in here you don't" The truant grabs hold of the doorframe while Jakey pushes him into the room, but the truant's fingers slip, and he flies straight into his seat. "oh hello there how nice of you to join us here today" "fuck off" The truant flicks a lit cigarette at Teachour, lighting her on fire. "OH GOD IT BURNS" Teachour leaps out the window and rushes for the school swimming pool, diving in with a thunderous cannonball dive. Most of the judges rate her dive a perfect 10, but the German judge only gives it a 4. She is then rushed to the hospital for severe second-degree burns. "well now we need to find a substitute teacher; i hope you are happy" "a little" Michelle begins flicking her own cigarettes at the truant. "take me home"

MEMORY TWO [Sheriff Antony]
"all right class i'm your substitute teacher today; you can call me ms everhart" "uh ms everhart why is it so dark in here" "yeah can i like open the shades" "NO you absolutely MAY NOT open the shades" The class squirms in their seats. "wh-why not" "i uh have glaucoma" "just like our lord and saviour bono" "uh right" Gwendolyn walks to the blackboard. "okay so here's the deal; you kids don't want to learn anything and i don't want to teach it to you, and so it is with a heavy heart that i will put on this video for you to ignore and talk amongst yourselves" Gwendolyn pops the dusty VHS tape into the equally dusty VCR and presses play, beginning a movie everyone recognises as The Lion King, only in a language they don't understand. One kid in the class begins crying when Mufasa is killed, and is tormented endlessly, mostly by Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY THREE [Sheriff Antony]
"all right children i'm the substitute today; the famous magician the great cheryl" "uh shouldn't we be calling you ms then whatever your last name is" "you don't need to know my last name; just call me the great cheryl" "just like our lord and saviour bono" "yeah like that kid said, just like benny" The student is taken aback, but regains his composure, as The Great Cheryl's ignorance is not her fault. She will learn, one day. They will all learn. "anyway my agent booked this gig telling me it was a magic show but i get here and it's actually a substitute teaching gig? he keeps doing this and it's really frustrating" "so uh are you going to teach us how to do magic" The Great Cheryl glares at the student who dared to have such audacity as to ask the one thing you should never ask a magician. She reaches into her magical hat and pulls out a bar of soap. "wash those dirty words out of your mouth this instant" The Great Cheryl shoves the bar of soap into the student's mouth and returns to the front of the room, staring at the class in silence. The class does not move a muscle, not wanting to invoke The Great Cheryl's wrath. The bell rings, and the entire class pours out of the room, except for Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY FOUR [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey we're getting nowhere fast" "i'll say" "to speed things up, go and infiltrate this group of adolescents to see what they know" "got it" Jakey puts on a backwards cap and sunglasses, and grabs a skateboard, which he carries as one would wear a guitar. "what is up my fellow youths" "..." "..." "i said what's crack-a-lackin' my fellow young adults" "..." "..." "hear anything over the cb about a certain group of wrongdoers" "..." "please speak english" "what's the prob bob i'm only rapping with my fellow jive turkeys" "..." "please go somewhere else; you are scaring me" "what's wrong with chilling with my youthslices in the homie hallway" "..." "you know what, i did hear about the wrongdoer guys hanging out someplace REALLY FAR AWAY" "thank you my dog now i must bounce" Jakey slides off, attempting to be youthful and vivacious, sliding straight into Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY FIVE [Gwendolyn]
"yo gwendo i need to infiltrate the school prom and i need a date" "lucky for you, i am feeling particularly youthful and vivacious today; let's roll" Jakey and Gwendolyn arrive at the prom shortly. "uh-oh someone has spiked the punch" "WHAT" Sheriff Antony races over to the scene. "being the responsible adult here, i will do the responsible thing" Sheriff Antony grabs the punch bowl and proceeds to chug its contents. "saved the day, once again" Sheriff Antony hiccups as he waddles away from the punch bowl, his liver struggling to survive the blows from the toxins that have invaded his body. "that man is my hero" "i remember when i was a little girl, sheriff antony got my cat, ashford neville everhart the first, down from a tree and gave him a deep-tissue massage" "is there anything that man can't do" "i hope i never have to find out" Michelle salutes Sheriff Antony as he waddles away. "take me home"

MEMORY SIX [Gwendolyn]
"jakey i did it; i was the 183rd caller on KSTS - the shitshow - and got two tickets to see some band i've never heard of!!!" "oh boy i love some band i've never heard of" "especially their hit single, that one song that goes 'doot doot doot doooo'" "let's roll" Jakey and Gwendolyn roll off to the show. Quickly, Some Band I've Never Heard Of takes the stage and begins with an album track called Some Song I've Never Heard Of. They are, of course, just getting the audience excited for their second song, That One Song That Goes 'Doot Doot Doot Doooo'. Unfortunately, after That One Song That Goes 'Doot Doot Doot Doooo', most of the audience leaves, satisfied having heard what they came for. Michelle, however, is waiting for her favourite song from Some Band I've Never Heard Of, Setlist Filler. However, Some Band I've Never Heard Of leaves without ever having played Setlist Filler. Michelle is enraged. "take me home"

MEMORY SEVEN [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey it's horrible" A single tear streams down Sheriff Antony's face. "someone has stolen my favourite hat" "aren't you wearing your favourite hat" "jakey i never wear my favourite hat because i don't want to get it dirty; my favourite hat stays in a display case in my walk-in safe" "oh that makes sense" "ANYWAY i have no leads or clues as how to solve this mystery" "MYSTERY?!" Erin falls from the ceiling wearing a propeller beanie. "HEY THAT'S MY FAVOURITE HAT" "... whoops gotta go" Erin runs off, Sheriff Antony's favourite hat falling off her head as she goes. "shouldn't we chase her" "why would we do that; we've got the hat back" Sheriff Antony places his favourite hat into the display case where it belongs. "good work jakey" Sheriff Antony tips his non-favourite hat and walks off, spurs jingling and jangling. Jakey turns to see the display case emptied again, and Michelle wearing the propeller beanie. "take me home"

MEMORY EIGHT [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey the power's gone out" "oh good i thought i'd gone blind there for a minute" "go out back and trip the breaker" "can do" Jakey goes outside with a flashlight and trips over the breaker, which lies broken on the ground. Jakey calls Sheriff Antony over the CB. "breaker breaker i've tripped over the breaker because someone has broken it over" "... oh goddammit" A rustling is heard in the bushes. "BREAKER BREAKER I THINK THE BREAKER BREAKER IS STILL ON THE PREMISES OVER" "well find him while i call someone to fix the broken breaker" Jakey cautiously walks toward the bush, flashlight drawn, and rummages through the bushes, finding Deputy Orange. "oh it's just you" "yeah sorry i was the one who broke the breaker when i was trying to transport these broken brakepads to the lock-up, as they are evidence in a break-in case, but i broke my leg as well and i've been waiting here for help" "breaker breaker i've found the breaker breaker it was all just an accident; the breaker and the breaker breaker's leg were broken while transporting the break-in's broken brakepads over" "i'll send for a medic" Another rustling is heard in the bushes. "breaker breaker i'm hearing further noises in the bushes unrelated to the breaker breaker over" "WELL CHECK IT OUT FOR FUCK'S SAKE" Jakey rips open the cover of the bushes to find Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY NINE [Deputy Orange]
"jakey someone is committing a CRIME HOP IN" Jakey hops in, and Deputy Orange peels out for the crime location. "WEE WOO WEE WOO" "PULL OVER WE HAVE YOU DEAD TO RIGHTS" "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE COPPER" Jakey fires a single bullet into the tyre of the criminal's bicycle, causing him to fall to the pavement. "OW JESUS CHRIST MY KNEE" The criminal rolls around, clutching his knee. "I THINK I'VE SKUN IT" Jakey hops out of the car and steps on the criminal's neck. "you'll have a lot more to worry about if you don't start talking" Deputy Orange rips off the criminal's ski mask, revealing the face of Crazy Svart. "I'M SORRY I'LL NEVER CYCLE ON THE SIDEWALK AGAIN" "of course you won't WHEN YOU'RE IN JAIL" Deputy Orange handcuffs Crazy Svart and drags him off to the precinct. "simply despicable" Michelle nods in agreement. "take me home"

MEMORY TEN [Deputy Orange]
"jakey i have a confession to make; it's always been my dream to win the alabama derby" "well you're short; you'd make a fine jockey" "no i mean i want to win as the horse" "oh uh" "listen i found this great horse costume and i need someone to be the rear of the horse" "there is no way i am sharing a horse costume with you and there is DEFINITELY no way i'm going to be the rear" "oh no you misunderstand me; the cyclist from earlier volunteered in exchange for a reduced sentence" "so what do you need me for" "well the usual announcers have gotten laryngitis so we need new announcers or the event will be cancelled" "oh yeah i can do that" Jakey hops up into the announcer's booth alongside veteran announcer, Kathy. "hello and welcome sports fans to the 2016 alabama derby, sponsored by kathy magazine" "the entrants this year are former champion horses hellish hangnail, soon to be glue, and freedom fries" "in addition, fan favourites orphanage fire, traffic accident, crunch wrap supreme, and uptown girl are competing alongside rookie horse totally not two dudes in a horse costume" "my money's on uptown girl; she's been livin' in her high-class world, but now she's ready to bring home the trophy" "well said, and they're off!!!" "soon to be glue gets off to an early lead" "but here comes orphanage fire with the draft on traffic accident, slingshotting to the lead" "it seems that freedom fries has blown a right front and will have to be put down" "you hate to see it jakey but look at this, totally not two dudes in a horse costume has pulled out a gun!!!" "this is unprecidented kathy" "indeed it is; hellish hangnail and crunch wrap supreme are already victims" "unfortunately for totally not two dudes in a horse costume, the sheriff has placed a bet in this race on traffic accident, and has fired off his own rounds into totally not two dudes in a horse costume, which has been revealed to totally BE two dudes in a horse costume" "how ironic (i'm using ironic correctly right?)" "i have no clue" "uh ANYWAY here they come to the line and it's uptown girl that takes the win!!!" "YESSSSSSSSS I'M RICH" The jockey dismounts from Uptown Girl, and reveals that she is actually Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY ELEVEN [Deputy Orange]
"jakey the mafia has become a real problem lately" "what have they been doing" "they haven't bribed us in WEEKS" "let's murder those fuckers" "i have searched little italy, and it appears they are operating out of this pizza place and this pasta place" "i should have guessed" "i know right; you take the pizza place and i will take the pasta place" "sounds like a plan" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives off to Papa Parazoni's Authentic Italian Pizzioni. "ah a-hello and-a how may i-a serve a-you" "i'd like a pizza" "coming a-right up-a" Papa Parazoni heads back to the kitchen, then returns with a pizza cut into six slices. "SIX SLICES? THAT'S ALL THE PROOF I NEED TO PUT YOU AWAY FOR GOOD, DON PARAZONI" "ah, you've seen through my stereotypical italian disguise; i guess i won't be needing it any more" Papa Parazoni rips off his chef's outfit to reveal the black suit of Don Parazoni. "oh god he's gone straight from one italian stereotype to another without missing a beat" "dat's right mac; now youse about to be missing a beat; your heartbeat to be precise" "oh, good one" "thanks i've been working on it for a while" "it shows; now let me show you what i've been working on" Jakey hucks a pair of handcuffs straight at Don Parazoni, instantly cuffing his hands together. "well that's a new one" "you going to come quietly now?" "nah i got backup GET IN HERE BOYS" Don Parazoni's boys show up, ready to fight for their don. "nice backup; i have no need for such things however" Jakey pulls an assault rifle off his back and hucks it into the air, the rifle in a constant spin. He throws a rubber band at the trigger, attaching it to the grip, unloading all of the bullets into the don's backup, but conveniently running out of ammo just before hitting the don. "oh come on there's no way that should have worked" "tell it to the judge" Jakey loads Don Parazoni up into the squad car next to Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY TWELVE [Deputy Orange]
"jakey shopkeepour is here and asking for you" "got it" "jakey thank god you're here my cousin resistance leadour is in trouble" "say no more i will rescue your hot cousin" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and peels out. "WAIT YOU DON'T even know where she is" Jakey's phone rings. "yo" "jakey would you like to know where resistance leadour actually is" "oh man that would be super-helpful; i've just been circling around the station going 90" "she's going to jump off the alabama dam" "got it" Jakey peels out and finds Shopkeepour's hot cousin standing on the lip of the dam. "wait no don't do this thing you have so much to live for i assume" "oh don't worry sir, i won't die; in fact, i will resist the impact, the drowning, AND the pressure of the waterfall" "what" "observe" Resistance Leadour falls from the lip of the dam, and doesn't even fall to the bottom of the waters below; she just instantly transitions into a float, face-down. Jakey launches The Motherfucker off of a ramp and transforms it into a boat, landing near Resistance Leadour. He attempts to lift her out of the water, but she resists. Eventually, they come to the shore, and Resistance Leadour stands back up. "hey thanks for attempting to pull me out; having to resist your pull AND drowning at the same time was a great twist" "uh-" "here's my number i hope you can help me resist again in the future but i've got to get going to the sub shop to resist hunger next to some delicious cold cuts" Resistance Leadour waves, leaving Jakey dumbfounded. Michelle climbs aboard Jakey's boat. "take me home"

MEMORY THIRTEEN [Deputy Orange]
"jakey there are mafia goons or something outside kidnapping someone or other? i don't know i wasn't paying much attention" "on it" Jakey exits to the back lot, and sees a bunch of mafia goons carrying off Claire inside a cage."oh god; they've got claire" Jakey thinks for a moment. "wait how have they got claire" Jakey sneaks around the lot and gets to Claire's cage. "psst claire" "JAKEY you came for me" "uh yeah but how did they capture you" "they held a gun to my head and marched me into this cage" "but how do they STILL have you if you're a ghost and can just like phase through the cage" "..." "..." Claire phases through the back of the cage out into the open street. "god i feel so stupid" "we all have days like that" "i'm going home to wash off the embarassment" Claire mopes off, and the the mafia turns to see her escaping. "shit guess we'd better turn ourselves in" "it's the smartest course of action now that our leverage is gone" Jakey arrests each and every mafia goon, including Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY FOURTEEN [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"hey jakey you're early for the party" "party?" "yeah i had the post lady send out invitations to everyone" "i didn't get one" "wha-OH right i wanted to give yours to you personally but uh i couldn't actually grab it with my ghost hands you know" Claire motions toward an invitation on a table. "'claire's haunted house party: b.y.o.b.' ah fuck the party is in ten minutes and i didn't b any b" "shit you'd better hurry then" Jakey sprints out of Claire's house, nearly taking the door off its hinges in his blind pursuit of his o b to b to the party. Jakey crashes through the wall into a store and grabs some b. Jakey then leaps and kicks back off the wall, tossing his money (exact change) straight at the clerk. Jakey then sprints back down the block and flies through the door to Claire's house as the clock strikes 4:20. "I DID IT" "congratulations" "so where are all the other party guests" "you and the king bran are the only ones here so far" Claire gestures to King Bran, who is already passed out in the corner with a lampshade on his head, surrounded by empty bottles. "he sure knows how to party hard" "ah here comes the third guest" Michelle drives her motorcycle into the house, grabs all of Jakey's b, and chugs it straight down. "take me home"

MEMORY FIFTEEN [King Bran]
King Bran drops a podium outside the door of McDonald's and ties the front door shut with a ribbon. "MY FELLOW ALABAMANIANS we are gathered here today to dedicate this mcdonald's to me, the king bran" "what? you can't-" "in doing so, i will take full control of this mcdonald's and i decree that BREAKFAST SHALL BE SERVED ALL DAY" King Bran cuts the ribbon and enters the McDonald's, where Taylor stands behind the counter, chewing a stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "i would like six egg mcmuffins" "it's 4 pm" "did you not hear my speech outside" "we can't serve breakfast after 10:30 i-it's immoral we can't play god" "you can and you WILL unless you want the full force of the alabamanian military to wipe this mcdonald's off the face of the earth" Taylor begins to sweat as a red dot appears on his forehead. Shaking, Taylor walks over to the freezer and takes out six Egg McMuffins, placing them in the machine. Suddenly, a bolt of lightning rains down from the heavens. "we should stop" "we should CONTINUE" Taylor hesitantly takes the Egg McMuffins out of the machine, bags them up, and hands them to King Bran. "may god have mercy on our souls" "word" King Bran leaves the McDonald's and tosses two Egg McMuffins each to Jakey and Grace. "i can't believe it worked" "i can't believe you doubted me" A blade appears in front of Jakey's throat. "you three have meddled with forces beyond you mere mortals" "oh come on; i went in, i should be the one getting assassinated; it's not fair jakey's always the one who has the cool shit happen to him" "speaking of cool shit" Jakey jerks forward, taking his own head off. As the assassin is taken aback by Jakey's apparent suicide, Grace grabs him by the arm and flips him onto his back. Jakey's head reattaches itself to his body, and he takes the assassin's sword. "foolish mortals if balance is not restored-" "yeah yeah" Jakey plunges the blade into the heart of the assassin. "now where were we" Jakey reaches back into the bag of Egg McMuffins to see that Michelle has already eaten the last one. "take me home"

MEMORY SIXTEEN [King Bran]
"man it's not fair that you get all the assassination attempts on you and i never get any" "it's overrated to be honest" "but just once i'd like to experience it for myself so i can say 'yeah that sucked' or even disagree" King Bran sighs and twiddles with his pen on his throne. Jakey feels bad for his friend, and decides to hire an assassin to take him out. He looks up the most incompetent assassin he can find in the phone book. "hello miss sophia drake? i've got a contract for you" "oh boy i'll be right there" Soon, Sophia arrives carrying an old rifle. "hello i am the assassin you ordered, sophia drake, and this is my best friend mr. shooty" "um pleasure to meet you" "so who am i killing today" "that guy over there" "the king bran?! oh boy oh boy i do love a challenge" Sophia lines up her shot, but King Bran sees the glint of the barrel of her rifle. "OH BOY AN ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT" Just as Sophia pulls the trigger, King Bran slides underneath the shot. "DAMN that was my only bullet" Sophia begins to run off, but King Bran corners her. "miss i'd just like to say you made my day" "uh i did?" "yeah here have a medal" King Bran jabs a medal into Sophia's chest. "can mr. shooty have a medal too" "sure why not" King Bran pins another medal to Mr. Shooty, and sends the two on their way. "what a nice man; it's a shame i will have to kill him" "uh that won't be necessary i am calling off the contract" "i still get paid right" "sure" Jakey hands Sophia the payment and sends her on her way, but before she goes, Michelle hands her her own assassination request. "take me home"

MEMORY SEVENTEEN [Emelyn]
"jakey the sheriff antony has borrowed the king bran's favourite aladdin movie on vhs and he would like to watch it again so we have to go pick it up" "okay let's go" Jakey and Emelyn drive down to the sheriff's office. "yo sheriff remember that aladdin movie you borrowed" "oh yeah it sure was a good one - the citizen kane of disney direct to video sequels; it was such a good movie that i had it gilded" Sheriff Antony hands Jakey a VHS copy of The Return of Jafar coated in solid gold. "d-does it still play the movie" "oh yes, i made sure of it" "well thanks" "oh and send this over too i'm not sure he's seen it" Sheriff Antony hands Jakey a VHS copy of Cinderella II: Dreams Come True. "uh okay" Jakey and Emelyn drive back to the castle. "yo king bran here's your aladdin movie" "oh sick he had it gilded too" "and he wanted you to watch this one as well" "oh shit i didn't know they made a second cinderella" "i think there's a third one too" "damn; emelyn scour the vhs stores for this third cinderella movie" "right away sir" Emelyn zips out the door, plowing straight into Michelle. "take me home"

MEMORY EIGHTEEN [Emelyn]
"jakey did you feel that earthquake a few minutes ago" "yeah it was like a whole one on the richter scale" "well i need to venture into the royal treasury and make sure all the royal treasures are intact" "oh boy can i come" "i don't see why not" Emelyn leads Jakey through the labyrinthine corridors of the castle basement until they come across the royal treasury. "wow look at all this junk" "JUNK?! these are ROYAL ARTEFACTS" "this entire wall is nothing but old refrigerators" "once again, you fail to see the trees for the forest" "that's not how that saying works" "look: each of these refrigerators is not only a vintage antique, but each one has beautiful children's artwork stuck onto it via magnets" "he doesn't have any children" "these were taken from the homes of families who all died under mysterious circumstances in order to preserve the feelings of love the parents had for the children" "i will never understand you people" Michelle pins her own drawing to one of the refrigerators. "take me home"

MEMORY NINETEEN [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey how's the investigation going" "what" "the investigation of the school; you're posing as the school's cop" "oh uh i was supposed to keep doing that?" "YES IT'S AN IMPORTANT STAKEOUT" "oh uh sorry" Jakey and Sheriff Antony head back to the school, only to see it taken over by a cult of Bono fanatics. "it's a beautiful day" "don't let it get away" "JAKEY YOU FUCKING RETARD" "i'm really sorry man" "FIX THIS" "okay okay" Jakey takes aim at the leader of the cult and fires a round into his skull, but nothing happens. "you fool; i am near-INVINCIBLE; without some sort of ultimate technique you cannot hope to defeat me" "GODDAMMIT JAKEY NOW YOU HAVE TO USE THE ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE" "but if i use it now it won't be ready again in time for the party on friday!!!" "should have thought of that before fucking things up this bad" "fine fine" Jakey channels the energy of all his friends into the ultimate technique. He fires a mighty bullet of friendship from his mighty gun, felling the cult leader. "is it getting better? or do you feel the same? will it make it easier on you now? you got someone to blame" The cult leader falls, and the school returns to normal. Immediately, every single one of Jakey's friends shows up. "WHAT THE FUCK JAKEY" "I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU JUST USED THE ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE" "I NEEDED THAT ENERGY" "NOW WHAT WILL WE DO DURING THE PARTY?!" Every one of Jakey's friends walks up in a single-file line and slaps him on the face. Some return to the back of the line to do it again. Eventually, however, it is just Michelle left slapping. "take me home"