Memories of One of Those Things (2017)

MEMORY ONE [Sheriff Antony]
"all right jakey this year i've got a special treat; rather than some random whatever, i will be giving you THE EMERALDS" Sheriff Antony plops a bag down on the counter. "holy shit" "holy shit is right nigga; when combined with the power of the diamonds, the emeralds will give you SUPER-STRENGTH but only in situations where it would be relatively useless" "i don't know if that's such a good idea to combine all these artefacts' powers inside me" "hold on a second i need to make a phone call" Sheriff Antony picks up his phone. "hey it's sheriff antony; could you get me a new protagonist? preferably one that's not lame as fuck" Jakey quickly grabs the bag and scoffs down The Emeralds, not wanting to lose out on the protagonist gig, as it is all he has going for him. "how do you feel" "stronger than normal" Jakey lifts Michelle up off the ground with one hand. "take me home"

MEMORY TWO [King Bran]
"jakey i have decided that i need to be more regal in appearance so i have custom-ordered some king-bling with some of the gold from the royal treasury" "great use of the royal treasury" "i know right; i'd like you to go to blingz Я us and pick it up for me" "can do" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and heads down to Blingz Я Us, where Shopkeepour sits behind the counter, chewing a fresh stick of Dentine Ice chewing gum. "yo i'm here to pick up the king-bling for king bran" "uh there must be some kind of mistake; king bran himself was just in here and grabbed the king-bling himself" "oh shit" Jakey sprints out of the store and spots a King Bran-looking figure walking down the street. He begins to run after him, but notices another, and another. "FUCK, IT'S NATIONAL 'IMPERSONATE KING BRAN' DAY" Jakey sweats in place, as the thief could be anyone on this street. Shopkeepour motions to Jakey from the door of the shop. "since i knew nikbd was coming up, i created this; the king-bling trackour (patent pending); take it and use it to retrieve that king-bling" "all right!!!" Jakey turns on the device and follows its signal to a dark alleyway, where five King Brans are circling a familiar young woman. "youse haven't paid youse taxes this year" "I-I-I-I'M SORRY I-I-I-IT MUST HAVE G-GOTTEN L-LOST IN THE M-MAIL" "give us the tax money plus interest" "NOW" "I-I-I-I-I DON'T H-HAVE IT" "youse would defy your king?!" "I-I-I-I-I D-DIDN'T MEAN T-TO" Jakey tackles a King Bran. "JESUS CHRIST THIS ALLEY WAS LONG" "J-J-J-JAKEY D-DON'T A-ATTACK THE K-KING" "this isn't the real king bran; this is an impostor!!! (no relation to impostour)" "what no way i will have youse booked for treason" "no you're not; i can tell by your stereotypical italian accent" "i knew that making a pledge to never speak without this bad accent would come back to haunt me" "RETURN THE KING-BLING YOU MONSTER" "fine" Vinnie hands Jakey the king-bling, and Jakey slaps on him a pair of handcuffs. The remaining mafia goons try to escape, but Jakey hucks four pairs of handcuffs at them, locking all their arms behind their backs and knocking them over. "i didn't actually think that would work" "o-oh j-jakey i-i-i was s-so scared; i-i-i wouldn't l-last in prison" "it's okay; the only people going to prison in THIS alley are these five" "b-but there w-were six f-fake king brans" Just then, Michelle descends from a fire escape, disguised as King Bran. "take me home"

MEMORY THREE [King Bran]
"jakey i feel like i'm out of touch with my ghostly citizens; in order to understand them better, i believe i must become a ghost myself" "well uh to become a ghost, you need to leave behind unfinished business when you die" "oh don't worry about that; i left today's crossword unfinished" "sweet; let's get this shit started" "wait there is a cure for being a ghost right" "i'm sure we can bullshit one together" "sweet" Jakey pulls out a revolver. "if we're going to do this, we might as well have fun with it" "oh shit yeah" Jakey loads one round into the cylinder and spins the thing around. "i'll go first" "by all means" Jakey holds the gun up to his head and pulls the trigger, hearing a satisfying click. He then hands the gun to King Bran, who does the same, with the same results. Jakey takes his turn, which is equally uneventful. King Bran takes the gun for a second time, repeating the same process, except this time, his brains are splattered all over the wall. "did it work" "allow me a test" Jakey winds up and delivers a vicious haymaker into King Bran's ghostly head, but he naturally can't hit King Bran, so he continues travelling forward, falling onto the floor. "SWEET" "you know we should move the body so no one thinks this is a permanent thing" "well i'd help but" King Bran's ghostly fingers slip through his own body. "fine; you go do your thing and i'll catch up" "sweet" King Bran floats off while Jakey carries King Bran to his bedroom, just in time to miss Emelyn. "oh for fuck's sake who keeps leaving their brains on the carpet!!!" Emelyn begins to sweep up the brains, unaware of their origin. "i don't get paid enough for this shit" Jakey flops King Bran's body into his bed, covering him up with his special kingly blankets. Suddenly, King Bran floats through the wall at supersonic speeds. "JAKEY WE'VE GOT TO GET ME ALIVE AGAIN; THE GHOSTS ARE ASKING FOR TAX CUTS" "OH NO" King Bran flies into his body, but nothing happens. "come on come on COME ON" Jakey searches through King Bran's drawers, and pulls out some smelling salts. "YES THAT WILL DO" Jakey waves the salts under King Bran's nose, and his spirit and body are reunited. Jakey quickly bleeds into King Bran's head wound, healing it up, and now everything is as good as new. "let's not do that again" "i had fun" Michelle holds a revolver to her own head and pulls the trigger, hearing a satisfying clicking noise. She then passes the revolver to Jakey, who quickly notices that the other five chambers have bullets in them. "take me home"

MEMORY FOUR [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"jesus claire you look awful; what happened" "i haven't been getting much sleep" "i wasn't even aware ghosts needed sleep" "at first i thought i was just doing it out of habit, but we actually do" "so what's wrong" "i keep having this nightmare; i'm just minding my own business doing the day-to-day, then out of nowhere i turn blue and i am being chased by this giant pac-creature; eventually the entire pac-family corners me in an alley and i cower in fear and they get closer and closer and their killer jaws descend upon me then i wake up covered in ectoplasm!!!" Claire begins to cry, and Jakey goes in for the comforting hug, but his arms pass straight through her awkwardly. "i get what you were trying to do and i appreciate it" "i'm so embarrassed" "it's not the first time and it won't be the last" "ANYWAY i think i've figured it out; the best thing to do in this situation" "oh man" "wait here" Jakey runs into Costumez Я Us, where Shopkeepour stands behind the counter chewing a fresh stick of Dentine Fire chewing gum. The two come to a deal, and Jakey exits the shop wearing a Pac-Man costume. Claire immediately runs away screaming. "claire CLAIRE" "HOW DO YOU KNOW MY NAME" "IT'S ME JAKEY" Claire stops and looks into Pac-Man's mouth, seeing Jakey's head. "WHY WOULD YOU DO SUCH A THING; YOU KNOW PAC-MEN ARE THE NATURAL PREDATORS OF GHOSTS" "this is how you do it claire; face your fear" "i-i'm facing it" "come on; attack me" "jakey i am a ghost i cannot physically harm you" "oh right" Claire begins to shake on the spot. "j-jakey" "i know i should have thought this through better" "j-j-j-j-jakey b-behind you" "wha-" Jakey turns around and comes face-to-face with a Ms. Pac-Man. "... uh hello" The Ms. Pac-Man gets closer and closer to Jakey as he trembles on the spot before planting a gigantic kiss on his costume's face. "AUGH HELP HELP I'M TRAPPED" "J-JAKEY NO NONONONONONONO" Claire runs away screaming, but upon hearing Jakey's cries for help, has a gigantic pang of guilt. She doubles back, circling around to attack the Ms. Pac-Man from behind. Before she can even let out a battle cry, the Ms. Pac-Man melts into nothing, sending Claire crashing into the ground. "ow my nose" "CLAIRE YOU SAVED ME; YOU FACED YOUR FEAR" "i-i-i did?!" "yeah!!!" "... ohhhhhh riiiiight i don't have to be afraid of pac-creatures if i'm not blue (da ba dee da ba die)" "see; now maybe you can get to sleep" "excited" Claire immediately collapses into a deep sleep with a smile on her face. Jakey then decides to burn his Pac-Man costume, but forgets to take it off first. "AH SHIT I'M ON FIRE HELP" Michelle hoses Jakey down with a fire hose, sending him flying. "take me home"

MEMORY FIVE [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"jakey i need to go shopping" "i have heard many, many other women feel the same way all the time" "it feels like i've been wearing this light teal turtleneck for years" Jakey looks at Claire's torso, then back at her face. "pretty sure that's a white turtleneck" "WHAT no it's not" "it's the same colour as your hair and eyes" "you're trolling me right? i am being trolled right now; you're one of those trollers i've heard so much about" "what colour would you call them then" "brown and blue just like yours you dip" "we'll have to get a colour expert in on this" Jakey and Claire head down to the local arts college. "kathy i need to see dean taylor" "dean taylor is currently playing trucks and is not to be disturbed" "sigh" Jakey reaches into his pocket and hands Kathy a bundle of bills. "did i say 'not to be disturbed'? well he always makes an exception for people who give me money" Kathy buzzes Jakey into the office, where Taylor kneels on the floor, chewing an old stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum and playing with his trucks. "oh goddammit did you bribe kathy" "this is important dude; what colour would you use to describe this girl's clothing, hair, and eyes" "white, white, and white" "WHAT" "it must be the ghost um shit" "i-i-i-i had no idea people saw me that way!!!" "i had no idea you didn't see yourself that way" "i must look like some kind of freak!!!" Jakey compliments Claire for ten minutes straight, hoping that one day they will discover a way for humans and ghosts to physically interact, and he will be able to grope some ghost titties. He feels like they must be soft and maybe even a bit squishy, and he is eager to feel one when technology or magic reaches the proper point. "jakey you have said you like my hair like five times in a row now" "sorry i was saying hair but thinking titties" "fair enough" Michelle walks up to Jakey, covered in white house paint. "take me home"

MEMORY SIX [Emelyn]
"ARGH i am so SICK of all this DUST; HOW DOES IT KEEP GETTING IN HERE; I DUST EVERY FUCKING DAY OF THE WEEK AND STILL THERE'S MORE AND MORE DUST; IS SOMEONE PRANKING ME RIGHT NOW, BRINGING IN DUST AND SPREADING IT ALL OVER THE CASTLE?!" "if so they're pranking me as well, except i don't actually dust my house so you're kind of always waist-deep in dust" "this is BULLSHIT; think of how much i could be INNOVATING the maidery process and better serving my lord if i didn't have to spend all day DUSTING" "yeah life's a pile of shit but what are you going to do" "i am going to write god an angry letter" "better than my idea of either ignoring it or yelling at it" Emelyn takes out a piece of her personal letterhead and begins writing. "dear god: sup? my name is emelyn olivia stockhardt; i am the personal maid of his majesty, the king bran of alabama; i am writing you because, despite how great most of the world is, one area of it could stand to be improved; if you could please smite whomever keeps spreading dust all over the castle every day, i and countless others would be very grateful; thank you for your time, e.o.s." "tell him i said hi" "p.s. jakey says hi" Emelyn seals up her letter in an envelope and places it into the mailbox, where it is immediately snatched by the post lady. "i have never delivered a letter to heaven before, but THE MAIL MUST ALWAYS GO THROUGH" The post lady heads to Ladderz Я Us to get a ladder tall enough to reach the Lord's kingdom of Heaven. "do you think she'll make it" "if anyone can" Michelle opens her laptop to find that God has replied to her email. "hey jakey god says you should take me home"

MEMORY SEVEN [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on Valerie's door, and hears a mass of hacking and wheezing. "uh is everything okay in there?" "th-the door's open" The coughing doesn't cease as Jakey opens the door, and sees Valerie with five different cigarettes lit at the same time. "what in the world-" "th-these nice kids c-came in and s-sold me a bunch of c-cigarettes" "but you've never smoked before in your life; why did you buy so many" "th-the advertisements always sh-showed that smokers are m-more attractive" "yes, that cacophonous cough of yours is really making it an appealing prospect to kiss you on the mouth" "i-i-i figured i-i'd g-get used to it" "and like eighty different types of cancer; at this rate i'll have to perform emergency surgery on your lungs before five-thirty" Valerie looks toward the floor, ashamed of her purchase. "why do you have five going at the same time" "i-i-i wanted to c-compare the fl-flavours" Valerie passes out from a lack of oxygen. "holy shit" Jakey drags Valerie's unconscious body out of the smoke-filled house into the fresh air, then goes back in to dispose of the cigarettes and replace her lost money. Jakey takes a look at the packages of cigarettes, and notices that they are the kid sold by the Mafia Scouts, the group for Italian children looking to acquire skills that will help them when they join the mafia later in life. "oh for fuck's sake; will they leave this poor girl alone" Jakey puts all the cigarettes in the back of The Motherfucker and closes the trunk as Valerie regains consciousness. "wh-what happened" "i saved your life; you were about to suffocate" "o-oh" A single tear streams down Valerie's face. "it's okay; we all make mistakes" "i-i actually did k-kind of like the fl-flavour of the 'double quarter-pounder with cheese' c-cigarette" "i'll take you to a mcdonald's later" Michelle rummages through The Motherfucker's trunk and grabs a raspberry-flavoured cigarette, lights it, and begins to puff. "take me home"

MEMORY EIGHT [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on Valerie's door. "GAH" A loud crash is heard as Jakey shakes his head and enters the shack. "you've really got to work on that" "i-i-i-i'm sorry i-i-i was just elsewhere m-mentally" "what do you mean and why do you appear to be standing in such a way as to block my field of vision" "n-nothing, and n-no reason" Jakey attempts to peer around Valerie's side, but she blocks the attempt by stepping to her left. "that bad?" "i-it's embarrassing" "i don't think that you can get much more embarrassing than nearly suffocating yourself with cigarette smoke" A deep frown appears on Valerie's face, and she steps aside. Jakey looks down at the table, and sees a bunch of drawings and sketches. "this honestly wasn't what i had in mind; how is this embarrassing, especially when the drawings are so good" "r-really?" "yeah; i wish i could draw this well" Jakey takes out a blank piece of paper and tries to draw himself to demonstrate. He ends up creating a bubble-headed monstrosity with dots for eyes and a nose, no neck, no hands, and no feet. "th-that's uh d-different" "to put it lightly" "a-avant garde i-i-i think th-the term is" "uh-huh" "d-do you really think i'm a-any good" "totally; you've got real talent" "s-so you're saying i c-could be a professional artist?" "you're way too talented to be an artist; all 'art' is nowadays is a contest to see who can scam people of their money most efficiently" "o-oh" "there's call for actual talent in advertising and such though; you might even be able to find your way to a comic book if you don't mind drawing the most ridiculous storylines, such as in the tomato of justice #544, where he is stewed in a pot, nullifying his superpowers until he makes a deal with satan himself to reverse time at the cost of his unborn child, the cherry tomato of justice" "i-i'll look into print advertising" "good choice" Michelle slaps Jakey for spoiling the plot of The Tomato of Justice, as she is only at issue #478, where The Tomato of Justice faces his archnemesis, Doctor Date and his raisin army for the all the marbles again, again. Again. "take me home"

MEMORY NINE [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on Valerie's door, and the door swings open, knocking Jakey off-balance. Valerie stands in front of Jakey with a smile on her face. "jakey!!!" "valerie!!!" "quite-good comics has asked m-me to be the artist of their r-revival of the classic hero 'the bag' i-in their 'superlative' series; c-classic heroes reimagined f-for the audience of the new m-millennium!!!" "uh the millennium hasn't been very new for a while now; why did it take so long for them to get to 'the bag'?" "w-well he's mysterious!!! when the creator d-died no one h-had any idea what to do with th-the character because no one knew anything a-about him" "so did you accept?" "y-yeah!!! i-i-i-i-i figure i-i'll get out before it st-starts to get weird" "so fifty issues?" "i-i-i think it can last s-seventy-five" "well i am happy for you; it's good that you have taken up an interest outside of gravedigging" Valerie's eyes widen, startled. "o-oh no shit shit shit shit shit" "what's wrong" "I-I-I-I FORGOT TO B-BURY THE B-BODIES" Valerie runs to get her face bandana, goggles, and shovel while tying up her hair, and knocking things off the shelves in her haste. "CALM DOWN THEY'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE" "N-NOT IF I-I-I HAVE A-ANYTHING TO SAY A-ABOUT IT" Valerie nearly bowls Jakey over careening toward the door. Jakey follows her out to a large pile of dead bodies just behind her house. "you know, you think i would have noticed that when i pulled in" "th-the problem is th-that the oldest and thus m-most disgruntled bodies a-are on the bottom" "disgruntled?" "i-if a body i-isn't buried in its own grave s-soon after its s-soul is gone, i-it becomes restless a-and wanders around a-all night" "uh-huh" "l-last time this h-happened, the b-body kept c-coming to m-my door every night asking m-me for milk" "did you give it any?" "y-yes but th-then it took the j-jug from m-my hand rather th-than the glass a-and drank from that" Valerie tears up just remembering that fateful night. "A-AND THE J-JUG WAS N-NEARLY FULL TOO" "no manners" "s-so you see how i-important it is that i-i-i-i get these bodies b-buried right" "yeah i'll help" "r-really?" "it'll go faster with two" "th-thanks jakey" Jakey and Valerie set to work burying each and every body in its own grave, marking each with the appropriate headstone, careful not to mix any up. Of course, with Jakey able to turn The Motherfucker into an excavator and a dump truck, it takes no time at all. "l-last one" Valerie grabs Michelle and slings her over her shoulder. "take me home"

MEMORY TEN [Valerie]
Jakey knocks on Valerie's door, and the door is calmly opened. Valerie stands at the edge of the door, looking like she's on the verge of tears, wearing a white collared shirt, black vest, grey jacket, black bowtie, and black skirt. "what's the occasion" "th-they want m-me to g-go to a f-fancy dress p-party a-and mingle with th-the other comic book p-people" "that is a surefire recipe for disaster" "i-i-i-i-i-I KNOW!!! i-i-i told them th-this!!! m-many times!!!" "do not worry, valerie; i have a plan that will not backfire at any point ever; you go to that party and i will hide in the ventilation system, feeding you advice - then you can do exactly what i would do!!!" "i-is that r-really a g-good idea?" "no, it most certainly isn't, but it will be fun for at least one of us" "o-okay i-if you s-say so" Jakey and Valerie hop into The Motherfucker and head to the party. Valerie nervously goes in through the front while Jakey climbs into the air vent. "testing one two valerie if you can hear me, touch your nose" Valerie does as she is told. "okay sweet; go talk to that guy" "wh-what do i s-say" "i'd start with 'hello my name is valerie'" "b-but your n-name isn't v-valerie" Jakey does not know how to reply to that statement. "... o-oh r-right" Valerie walks up to the guy Jakey pointed out. "h-hello m-my name is v-valerie" "hello valerie i am wealthy prince of nigeria but i have been stripped of my birthright if you loan me money to get it back i will pay you back tenfold!!!" "th-that does s-sound like a g-good deal" "DON'T DO IT VALERIE IT'S A TRICK" "b-but he seems s-so nice" "he has to or the trick wouldn't work!!!" "a-are you s-sure he j-just doesn't need h-help" "i bet he's not even really a black person!!! tear off his mask!!!" "wh-what n-no i-i-i-i-" "i thought we'd agreed you'd do exactly what i would do!!!" "r-right" Valerie grabs the man's face and tears it off, revealing Kathy underneath it. "WH-WHAT" "godDAMMIT valerie i'm trying to make MONEY here" "b-but th-this i-isn't v-very n-nice" "argh now i have to make up a new disguise i hope you're happy" Valerie begins to shake slightly in place, afraid of the wrath of Kathy. "wh-what d-do i-i-i-i-i d-do n-now" "well this is usually the point where i take michelle home" As if on cue, Michelle appears in the vent next to Jakey. "take me home"

MEMORY ELEVEN [Sophia]
"jakey am i a bad assassin" "well based on what i've seen, you have a 0% success rate" "well i mean i'm good at the low-end targets but i always choke when i get to the high-profile guys" "walk me through your usual routine when going out for an assassination" "well first i grab my gun, then i grab a bullet, and i head to the top of a tall building near the target's location" "have you considered bringing multiple bullets" "well i did that last time but there was this little boy and i just couldn't stand to see him so poor and hungry and bulletless, so i gave one to him" "okay, so why not bring like three or four or like ten" "i don't have that many pockets" "well uh sheriff antony has a bandolier which holds dozens of bullets and wraps right around his torso" "oh wow that sounds really nice; no more fumbling to remember which pocket is which; where can i get one" "i'd imagine bandolierz Я us would have several" "that would make sense, yes" "also let me see your gun" Sophia hands her gun, Mr. Shooty, to Jakey. "be careful with him" "uh where's your scope" "oh right" Sophia hands Jakey a pair of binoculars. "uh did you know that they make little scopes that attach to the top of your gun so you don't have to fumble between your gun and your binoculars" "WHAT get out of town" "it's true; scopez Я us has a large selection" "damn; i can't believe i missed so many recent developments in assassination technology" "uh neither can i" Jakey looks through the binoculars and spots Michelle hiding in Sophia's closet. "take me home"

MEMORY TWELVE [Sophia]
"all right jakey i have taken your advice and have outfitted myself with the latest in bandolier and scope technology; i am ready to go with dozens of bullets at my disposal" "all right" "oh boy a fax" Sophia eagerly waits near the fax machine, and grabs her next assassignment. "hmmmmmm hey jakey do you know a 'father brucie'" "uh-oh; sophia you can't kill a priest" "challenge accepted" "WHAT THAT WASN'T A CHALLENGE" "sorry can't hear you; off to kill clergymen" Sophia walks off to the clocktower overlooking the church, whistling happily. "oh jesus christ what have i done" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and heads Sophia off at the base of the clocktower, blocking its entrance with police tape and traffic cones. "HALT MA'AM THE CLOCKTOWER IS OFF-LIMITS TO ALL NON-LAW ENFORCEMENT PERSONNEL; HALT I SAID HALT" Sophia breaks through the police tape and begins her climb. Jakey turns The Motherfucker into a jetpack and flies upward, heading Sophia off at the next door. Jakey covers the doorway with a brick wall. "whoops guess the way is blocked off; let's go get burgers instead" Sophia tears apart the brick wall before it has a chance to set, and continues her climb. Jakey rockets upward to the next door, which he welds shut. "ah shit sophie; the door has been welded shut" Sophia grabs the side of the nearby window, and hurls herself through it, then through the next window just beyond the door. Jakey rockets upward to the final door, which he writes 'DANGER' on in red marker. "SOPHIE IT'S DANGEROUS IN THERE; DON'T GO" Sophia ignores Jakey's warning and opens the door, and is immediately attacked by a tiger. "I WARNED YOU IT WAS DANGEROUS" Sophia rolls around, wrestling the tiger, eventually shoving Mr. Shooty into its mouth and firing. "THOSE ARE ENDANGERED" Sophia finally makes it to the top of the clocktower and sets up her rifle, aiming it directly at Father Brucie as he gives his service. "WHOOPS IT'S NOON TIME TIME TO RING THE BELL" Jakey rings the bell as loudly and constantly as he can, but Sophia just puts on a pair of noise-cancelling earmuffs. Running out of options rapidly, Jakey runs and tries to tackle Sophia, but she rolls out of the way just in time. Jakey falls off the clocktower, watching as Sophia fires directly at Father Brucie. Father Brucie's holy aura disintegrates the bullet before it can reach him. "WHAT" No matter how many bullets Sophia fires, none can penetrate the love and light of the Lord. "GODDAMMIT" Jakey finally hits the ground with a sickening 'splet', but reforms to normal seconds later. "MY TURN" Michelle falls right on top of Jakey, breaking her fall. "take me home"

MEMORY THIRTEEN [Resistance Leadour]
"yo ressie what are you resisting now" "oh i got wind of a contract to assassinate me so i am resisting the assassination" "uh let me go talk to this assassin" "no stop i can do this" In spite of Resistance Leadour's words, Jakey turns The Motherfucker into a jetpack and takes to the skies to find the assassin. "oh for fuck's sake" Jakey spots Sophia lining up her shot on Resistance Leadour. Even if she resists the first shot, Jakey believes there's no way Resistance Leadour can resist all the bullets on Sophia's bandolier. Jakey flies over to Sophia and hovers next to her. "yo sophie i-" "oh hey jakey i've really been making a killing on these contracts (no pun intended) thank you so much for helping me with my technique issues" "well uh-" "right now i'm after this resistance leadour lady; the intelligence i've gathered from the streets of alabama says that she is capable of resisting things that would kill or at least cripple most people, so i made sure to bring a lot of bullets; i've even got a sidearm this time around" Sophia quickly points to the handgun in a holster on her left side, then finishes lining up her shot. "listen, you've done a great job, but have you ever considered the human side of the contracts; like what did this resistance leadour even do to earn the wrath of the contract-giver" "she resisted his brother's ability to breathe, killing him" "okay uh that SOUNDS bad but maybe that guy was just an asshole" "maybe so" Sophia fires a round, but it is resisted. "i expected as much" Sophia continues laying down fire on Resistance Leadour, but she manages to continue resisting well past when Sophia runs out of bullets. "GODDAMMIT WHAT IS THIS WOMAN MADE OUT OF" Sophia starts to huck Mr. Shooty down in anger, but thinks better of it at the last second. "sorry mr. shooty it's not your fault" Sophia gives Mr. Shooty a big hug. Michelle rises up the side of the building, cleaning the windows. "take me home"

MEMORY FOURTEEN [Resistance Leadour]
"jakey after successfully resisting death by gunshot 100+ times, i have been cast to star in my own television series!!! it is called EXTREME RESISTANCE" "sounds like something straight out of the '90s" "i know right!!! the best decade even!!!" "what's the show about" "i am put into a lot of dangerous situations and i resist injury and/or death" "are you sure you're up for that? i mean you're great at resisting and all but this may be too much" "don't worry; my life is insured so it will be replaced if something happens" "that's not how that works" "what how is it not; you insure your car, and they replace it if it gets destroyed" "oh yeah that makes sense; carry on" "well i hate to cut and run but i have to rest up; big day of resisting tomorrow" "call me when you find out the running time" "will do" Michelle runs in from the other room, screaming. "take me home"

MEMORY FIFTEEN [Resistance Leadour]
"jakey we have just finished taping my new show" "oh boy and you don't look much worse for wear" "wear resistance is one of my favourites" "i can tell; you have the body of someone three-quarters your age" "i'd go lower but i really don't want to be a teenager again" Resistance Leadour fidgets uncomfortably. "is something wrong" "i uh th-this is really embarrassing b-but i um" "yes?" "i-i came across something i couldn't resist" Resistance Leadour removes two contacts disguising her eyes in their natural blue colour, revealing two red eyes. "oh vampirism that must suck" "this is really embarrassing; i've never been undead before" "well just think of all the new resistances you can undertake" "oh?!" "yeah you could be the first vampire to ever resist death by sunlight" "YES THAT SOUNDS TOTALLY IN-CHARACTER FOR ME TO DO" "just uh be careful; you probably won't get a second chance" "noted" Michelle flies up to Jakey as a vampire bat. "take me home"

MEMORY SIXTEEN [Gwendolyn]
"all right jakey today is the day; i have been training tirelessly for this day; the proud tradition of the VAMPIRES VS. GHOSTS GAMES" "why haven't i ever heard of this before" "it only happens heptadecennially; dating back all the way to 1371" "wow; six-hundred years of history" "yes, and once again, i will help to bring honour and glory to the vampires" "any other big players" "word on the street is that the ghosts got a young up-and-coming ghost whose abilities rival even mine" "THAT'S RIGHT; THE GHOSTS ARE GOING TO WIN THIS YEAR" Claire suddenly appears once she wants everyone to know she's been there the whole time. "GAH" Jakey falls to the floor, clutching his chest. His heart had attacked, but the diamonds helped Jakey to win the battle. "okay i'm fine now" "uh yeah as i was saying; ghosts are great, you know" "really? i was under the impression that they were terrible at everything" "nah you're getting them confused with vampires" "mmm hey i know let's ask jakey what he thinks" "good idea; hey jakey which are better: ghosts or vampires" Sweat begins to pour down Jakey's face and he begins to shake. "HEY LOOK IT'S MICHELLE GOTTA TAKE HER HOME BYE" Jakey runs off, grabs Michelle by the hand, and drags her off to The Motherfucker. "i wish you'd always show such initiative regarding when you take me home"

MEMORY SEVENTEEN [Gwendolyn]
"HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE HEPTADECENNIAL VAMPIRES VS. GHOSTS GAMES" The crowd cheers as King Bran pauses to take it all in. "TONIGHT, TWO TEAMS OF UNDEAD COMPETITORS WILL uh COMPETE FOR GLORY FOR THEIR um species? race? whatever ANYWAY LET THE GAMES BEGIN" King Bran motions for Emelyn to light the torch, commencing the games. "the first event is a fan favourite - we will now see who can get closest to the centre of a tootsie roll pop without biting!!!" Sheriff Antony walks up to Gwendolyn and Claire with two each of the regulation flavour options - cherry, grape, and orange, wearing an Ecto-brand glove on his left hand in order to be able to properly hold the ghostly form of Claire's options. Gwendolyn chooses cherry, and Claire chooses grape; orange being the most difficult flavour to choose for this competition. The contestants take their seats next to the sensitive microphones set to detect even the slightest hint of a bite. The two competitors unwrap their chosen Tootsie Roll Pops and place them into their mouths at the sound of the gunshot. Sweat pours down their faces as they lick and lick away. The silence from the crowd is deafening, until a loud crunch is heard. Claire had, in a momentary lapse of concentration, bitten into her Tootsie Roll Pop. "THE VAMPIRES TAKE THE FIRST ROUND" Michelle walks up to Jakey in the stands with all three regulation flavours dangling from within her mouth. "take me home"

MEMORY EIGHTEEN [Gwendolyn]
After event after event, the Vampires vs. Ghosts games draws into its final stage. The vampires had taken the Tootsite Roll Pop competition, the 100m hopscotch, the pop quiz, and the poetry slam, but the ghosts won the long jump, the Fox-only Final Destination battle, the banana peel minefield race, and the heated karaoke battle. The final outcome of the 2017 Vampires vs. Ghosts games hinges on the final event: the friendly handshake. Sheriff Antony steps forward as the contest's official friendship judge; whomever's handshake is deemed friendlier will win the entire event, and the winner's race will be proven the superior form of undead for the next seventeen years. "all right you both know the rules right? you both shake my hand, and whomever is the friendliest wins; handshakes will be graded for grip, enthusiasm, eye contact, and smile" Sheriff Antony holds up a silver coin. "since it is an odd-numbered year, vampires get to call the coin toss" "heads" Sheriff Antony flips up the coin, and it lands tails-side up. "tails; claire will you go first or second" "first" "all right; gwendolyn move to the side and give claire the space she needs" Gwendolyn does as she is instructed, and begins to study Claire's technique. Sheriff Antony dons an ecto-brand glove on his right hand so it can be shaken. Claire grips Sheriff Antony's hand firmly, gives a friendly smile (no teeth), and looks deep into his eyes. Once the handshake is completed, Sheriff Antony takes some notes and sends Claire off to where Gwendolyn is standing. "all right; next competitor" Gwendolyn walks up to Sheriff Antony, and grabs his hand with both hands, her eyes looking into his just slightly less deeply than Claire did; her lips parted and teeth showing in her smile. Once the handshake is completed, a single tear streams down Sheriff Antony's face. "in my many years on this planet, i have never experienced a handshake as friendly as that; vampires win" Emelyn runs over and places the gold medal on Gwendolyn's chest and raises her arm to the sky. Nosferatu's friendship record has fallen, and Gwendolyn is declared not only the winner, but also becomes the world record holder for the friendly handshake event. Michelle rakes in her winnings after betting it all on the vampires. "take me home"

MEMORY NINETEEN [The Great Cheryl]
"and for my next trick, i will woman a saw in half!!!" The Great Cheryl straps a handsaw into a box, and rubs a surprised Grace back and forth over the box, splitting it and the saw inside it in half. "i... can't say i've ever seen that one before" "and the thrills don't end there!!!" The Great Cheryl tosses Grace into the backroom and pulls out a rabbit. "NOW i will pull a hat out of THIS rabbit!!!" The Great Cheryl forcefully shoves her hand into the rabbit's mouth and yanks out a partially-digested hat. "um, are you sure you're feeling okay" "IT'S AVANT GARDE JAMES YOU JUST DON'T GET IT" "i guess not" "now MARVEL as i make this levitating woman FALL TO THE GROUND" The Great Cheryl slices downward with her wand, sending Michelle hurtling to the ground. "OW" Michelle begins to cry as she hobbles over to Jakey. "take me home"

MEMORY TWENTY [Deputy Orange]
"jakey i am going to be warming the bench in today's sportsball match; i need you to sabotage all the other team's bench-warmers so that i can receive the coveted 'bench-warmer of the game' award" "say no more; i have already got a plan" Jakey rubs his hands together and gets out his walkie-talkie. "grace initiate plan epsilon on the north bench" "on it" Grace places a plastic dummy at her position and runs off to the nearby airport, where she gets into the refrigerated cargo plane and takes off high above the stadium. "BOMBS AWAY" Grace unleashes the payload, dumping thirty feet of fresh Canadian snow onto one of the benches. Grace then quickly circles back, lands the plane, and hustles back to her position. Meanwhile, Jakey begins covering the second bench with turtle wax. Once his task is complete, Jakey runs over to the third and final bench, and places a sign that says "this seat is reserved". Jakey then clears out, taking position next to Grace. Soon, the rival sportsball team enters the stadium. At the end of the game, bench one is disqualified from the contest because they were so unwarm that their bench is covered in snow. Bench two is disqualified because no one could even sit on the bench; they just kept sliding off. Bench three is disqualified because no one sat on it, as it was reserved. Deputy Orange is awarded with the prestigous "Bench-Warmer of the Game" award. Michelle throws her helmet to the ground in frustration. "take me home"

MEMORY TWENTY-ONE [Rachel]
"hey rachel what's up" "depressed" "i can see that; maybe you should get a hobby to take your mind off how you completely failed to achieve your life's dream" "yeah i've taken up smoking" Jakey's eyebrows raise in surprise as a faint 'ding' is heard. "oh the ham is ready" Rachel takes a beautiful ham out of the smoker. "smells delicious" "the scent and taste of smoked ham is all i have in life; that and my friend joe camel" Rachel pats her pet camel on the snout, slightly happier since she got him across the border. "i also enjoy cigarettes" "wha-" "not smoking them, mind; i just like collecting them" Rachel turns on a light, revealing her collection of cigarette packaging through the years. "how do you afford this" "oh my mother got rich off my father's life insurance after he was murdered by the mojavistanian mafia" "oh right; my father was the one who ended don spaghazoni's reign as godfather" "bless that man" "so if you're rich why do you work as a waitress" "well uh you might think this is silly but i always thought i'd wait on a film director and he'd see me and cast me right there" "not silly so much as naïve" "same thing really" "so why do you still work as a waitress" "i guess i kind of feel like quitting being a waitress would be the same thing as admitting i'll never fulfill my dreams" "that last sliver of hope is the most dangerous" "really? i always heard it was the most important" "that's not what i was taught" Michelle walks up to Jakey, with two dozen blazing cigarettes in her mouth. "take me home"

MEMORY TWENTY-TWO [Rachel]
"hey rachel how are you feeling" "depressed, as usual" "well at least you're consistent i suppose" "mmm i'm supposed to visit my mother today back in mojavistan; would you like to come along" "i don't have anything better to do" "i can't imagine anyone would" Jakey and Rachel hop into The Motherfucker and head to Mojavistan. "bing bong" "oh hello rachel it's been so long!!! and you've brought a friend!!!" "yeah" "hello" "come in come in!!!" "thank you mrs jackson" "miss jackson, and either way just call me piper" "uh yes miss-uh piper" Jakey nervously follows Piper into the house, desperately hoping no one has noticed his throbbing feelings of love showing in some swelling below the belt. Words are said, but Jakey's mind is elsewhere. Why did Rachel need to get implants to have those when her mother has THOSE? They seem to be properly-supported, but Jakey can definitely see two nipples staring at him through the red fabric of her turtleneck sweater. Do they make bras with nipple windows? If so, why don't more girls wear them? Jakey decides then and there to raise more awareness for nipple-window bras if they do, in fact, exist. He'll print up some posters and everything. Jakey soon realises that he has been looking downward this entire time, so he jolts his head upward in panic. Piper's eyes are a dark green, which is very striking so close to the red turtleneck. Before he realises it, Jakey's eyes are pointed downward once again. The hypnotic allure of the breasts and their nipples is too much for any one man to stand up to. It's lucky that Rachel and Piper are talking amongst themselves, because Jakey is in no condition to notice anything but the breasts in front of him. Beads of sweet drip down Jakey's face, though he is unaware. He is, however, incredibly thirsty. Finally, something is said that snaps Jakey out of his trance. "but i've gone on long enough; are you kids thirsty? can i get you anything to drink?" Without thinking, Jakey blurts out his response. "MILK" "uh yeah i'll have some milk as well" Piper heads into the kitchen to grab the two guests their drinks. As Piper's back is turned, Jakey gains a moment of complete clarity, as a woman's backside contains little to excite him. Piper pours two glasses of milk, and puts the jug back into the fridge, closing the door not with her hips as Jakey had imagined, but with her hands, as one does. As soon as Piper turns around, however, Jakey's mind goes blank again. Piper returns to the living room with two tall, cold glasses of creamy, white whole milk. Jakey immediately begins to chug down the glass of milk, and finally has a moment to think about something other than Piper's body. Unfortunately, he uses the moment to think about the glass. It's actually made of glass, and is very large and slightly fancy. A fine glass for entertaining, providing a smooth drinking experience. Piper slides a coaster underneath Jakey's glass as he sets it down, then sits down across from Rachel, Jakey, and Michelle. "so michelle tell me about yourself" "well i really enjoy when jakey takes me home"

MEMORY TWENTY-THREE [Rachel]
"rachel good news!!! i made some calls and okay so my good friend comrade ivan right he's a big player in the russian theatre scene right? right so i called him up and he says you're perfect to be the leading lady of the next big russian play!!!" "i-what" "listen i know you wanted to be in movies, but the russian theatre scene lets you act every week; maybe even more if the show is a big hit" "but russia is so far away and-" "don't worry don't worry; i got you this" Jakey pins a button to Rachel's jacket. "wha-" "press the button and you will be teleported straight to the theatre; press it a second time and you're back home" "th-this is all so much to take in" "you don't have to respond right away; think it over but hey maybe someone will see you in the theatre and cast you in a film; much better odds than as a waitress right" "jakey i-thanks" "any time" Rachel goes in for a big hug, but catches Michelle instead of Jakey. "take me home"

MEMORY TWENTY-FOUR [Comrade Ivan]
"comrade jakey today is day of big play; come and watch as players act out macbeth" "wait i thought you said rachel was the star of the play; macbeth was a dude" "what; beth is girl's name" "yeah that shakespearre guy was kind of nuts" "oh no this no good; i was thinking it weird when macbeth and 'lady macbeth' talk to other" "so uh-" "having no choice; play must be cancelled" "what" "we cannot changing gender of lead character" "just rename the characters and cast an actual love interest" "i am liking it; you can be love interest jakey" Comrade Ivan passes Jakey a script to memorise within half an hour. Jakey uses the powers of the mystical aretfacts that Sheriff Antony keeps giving him in order to memorise the lines. Soon, Jakey gets his outfit ready and takes his position. Eventually, the big scene comes up; the scene that will make or break Rachel's career. "hark husband of mine; i am back from a long day of adventuring" "oh dolores what's up; you must be thirsty; can i interest you in a nice cold refreshing pepsi cola" "yes, that would be very, very, very, uh, good" "right away" Jakey rushes backstage, and returns with an ice-cold can of Pepsi. "thank you staniel" Rachel drinks down the entire can of Pepsi without coming up for air. "i am completely refreshed and also ready to NOT die tragically" "and the pepsi cola has also removed the bloodstain from my hand" "welp see you later staniel" "i'll have dinner ready" Jakey leaves the scene, and the play concludes with Dolores triumphing over MacKevin and living happily ever after with Staniel. The audience claps and throws roses onto the stage, and Rachel manages to dive backstage before being assaulted by the thorns. "hey yo rachel my name is film directour; i loved the performance and completely original plot how'd you like to star in a film adaptation opposite tom cruise" Rachel freezes in place (apart from a light shaking), unable to respond. Single tears of joy stream down her cheek. "uh she'd love to; the shaking and tears are because she's happy/excited not terrified/in danger" "great!!! here's my card" Film Directour hands Jakey his card and walks off as Rachel falls over, single tears falling onto the floor, and her face displaying the biggest smile she's had in years, possibly ever. Jakey grabs Rachel, drapes her over his shoulder, and carries her to her dressing room so she doesn't get stepped on. Jakey gently places her on the bed, and turns around to see Michelle holding her roses for her exemplary performance as Mercutio. "take me home"

MEMORY TWENTY-FIVE [Piper]
"JAKEY IT'S HORRIBLE" Piper begins to cry into Jakey's chest, her breasts rubbing against his stomach, and his massive desire poking her in her stomach. "SOMEONE'S STOLEN MY STAMP COLLECTION" "A DESPICABLE CRIME" Jakey's nervousness is finally overcome by his anger and rage at such a terrible crime. His arousal, however, is not swayed. "please lead me to the crime scene" Piper takes Jakey by the hand and leads him to the living room, where a window is broken and a family photo is thrown to the ground. The wall next to the wallsafe is scratched, and the door to the safe has been thrown across the room. The stamp collection that typically rests on the top shelf of the safe is missing, and only Piper's mother's ruby necklace remains. "so since the necklace is still here, we know this was a targetted theft; he knew exactly what he wanted and where to get it" "but until right now i'd never told anyone about where i keep my stamp collection; not even my daughter" "hmm i'll have to dust the safe door for prints" Jakey does just as he says, and Piper begins to shake uncontrollably. "b-but these are MY fingerprints!!!" "uh yeah um it's your safe; of course your fingerprints are on it" "oh right" "so uh unfortunately, the criminal was wearing gloves" "isn't that ALWAYS the case though?! i watch all these crime shows like al noire and alpd azure and the criminal ALWAYS wears gloves!!! you should just make that shit illegal right now!!!" "i'll uh bring it up next time i see king bran" "see that you do!!!" "so my next plan is to follow these dark footprints leading away from the safe to wherever they may lead" "it's worth a shot i suppose" Jakey and Piper follow the footprints out of the house and into the woods, and they eventually lead to a cabin. "hey vinnie youse understand this stamp-collecting racket?" "no but da boss does and i ain't here to question da boss" "wise words" "THE MAFIA!!! IT'S ALWAYS THE FUCKING MAFIA!!! WAS LEAVING ME A WIDOW NOT ENOUGH FOR YOU?!" Piper kicks in the door to the cabin, and is immediately held at gunpoint. Jakey action rolls into the doorway and pops the two mafia goons between the eyes. "the mojavistanian mafia makes the alabamanian mafia look downright law-abiding with this heinous crime" Jakey grabs the stamp collection and hands it to Piper, who sheds a single tear and gives her stamp collection a big hug. "i thought i'd lost you forever!!!" Michelle runs her mug along the bars of the cage she'd been put into. "take me home"