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HEY MISTER CAN WE HAVE OUR BALL BACK

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HEY MISTER CAN WE HAVE OUR BALL BACK
 
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 One of Those Things (2017)

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Jakeyadventure
apple computers


Male
Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
Favourite Band : Nirvana
Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:21 pm

Mission 000: Prologue [N/A]
"wake up fag" A man with a pretty funny (but not too funny) moustache hits Jakey in the head with a plank of wood. "woah deja vu" "my name is chuck; give me the diamonds filthy canadian pig" "NEVER" Chuck breaks the wooden plank over Jakey's head. "this seems really familiar" "no it doesn't stop making shit up" A man wearing nothing but a t-shirt that says "Make America Great Again", as well as his trademark cowboy hat, swings from a rope and kicks Chuck in the head. "ow quit it" "no" "fuck" The man backflips off the rope, landing on two guards. "seriously i'm getting this weird feeling of deja vu" "you should probably lay off the drugs jakey" "NEVER" Sheriff Antony pulls his twin revolvers out from under his "Make America Great Again" t-shirt. Sheriff Antony fires at Chuck, who dives beneath a desk and grabs his Desert Eagle. "hey check this out" Chuck fires a bullet at a pipe. The bullet bounces off and hits Sheriff Antony right in his autographed "Make America Great Again" t-shirt. "YOU MOTHERFUCKER" Two guards emerge from doors on either side of the boat. Jakey lifts up the chair he's tied to, and headbutts the guard on the right into the wall, causing his knife to dislodge from its holster, cutting the rope on Jakey's right hand. Jakey grabs the guard's falling M4 and points it at the desk Chuck is hiding behind. Meanwhile, Sheriff Antony backflips over the guard on the left, and grabs his neck in the crook of his arm. Chuck sweats. "hey i have an idea" Chuck chucks his gun at the ceiling, hitting a secret button, which opens a trap door underneath him. Chuck giggles with delight as he falls down the shaft to his personal speedboat. "welp" "i will have my revenge" Sheriff Antony looks down at the third bullet hole in his autographed "Make America Great Again" t-shirt. "it's only a matter of time" Michelle rapels down the rope attached to the top of the ship. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/all of the stuff you have on your save files from the 'A Thing' series/Sheriff Antony missions]
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Jakeyadventure
apple computers


Male
Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
Favourite Band : Nirvana
Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:21 pm

Mission 001: Battle Frontier [Sheriff Antony]
"all right jakey this year i've got a special treat; rather than some random whatever, i will be giving you THE EMERALDS" Sheriff Antony plops a bag down on the counter. "holy shit" "holy shit is right nigga; when combined with the power of the diamonds, the emeralds will give you SUPER-STRENGTH but only in situations where it would be relatively useless" "i don't know if that's such a good idea to combine all these artefacts' powers inside me" "hold on a second i need to make a phone call" Sheriff Antony picks up his phone. "hey professor eif? it's sheriff antony; could you invent me a new protagonist? preferably one that's not lame as fuck" Jakey quickly grabs the bag and scoffs down The Emeralds, not wanting to lose out on the protagonist gig, as it is all he has going for him. "how do you feel" "stronger than normal" Jakey lifts Michelle up off the ground with one hand. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Emeralds/Professor Eif missions]
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Jakeyadventure
apple computers


Male
Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
Favourite Band : Nirvana
Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:21 pm

Mission 002: They Reminisce, They Reminisce [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey can you believe it's been eleven years since the first time i gave you an ancient artefact to imbibe" "has it really been that long? i can't remember 2008 through 2012 very well" "neither can i for some reason" "i'm sure we'll remember when it's relevant" "that does seem to be how things work doesn't it" "i just hope we haven't forgotten an important person we met in those years who we haven't spoken to since" "oh that would be terrible" All of a sudden, Deputy Orange bursts through the door. "GUYS COME QUICK; ADAM SANDLER HAS BEEN SPOTTED WASHED ASHORE ON THE NORTHERN BEACHFRONT" "WE HAVE NO TIME TO LOSE" Jakey, Sheriff Antony, and Deputy Orange hop into The Motherfucker and head for the northern beachfront doing a hundred. "ADAM SANDLER ARE YOU OKAY" "more or less" "what happened to you" "i fulfilled my mission; i sabotaged the mountain dew voltage army from the inside and allowed pitch black to reign supreme" Adam Sandler begins to cough up blood. "i miscalculated the time portal though and fell hundreds of feet onto this single sharp rock in a sea of soft sand" "ah shit hold on" Jakey flips over Adam Sandler and bleeds right into the grave wound. "oh thanks bro" "adam sandler you are hereby cleared of all charges and will receive a medal from the alabamanian government for your service" "and the canadian government as well" "works for me" Adam Sandler passes out in the sand, and Sheriff Antony takes him home on his horse. Jakey turns to see Michelle buried up to her head in sand. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mountain Dew Pitch Black jacket/Deputy Orange missions/Adam Sandler missions]
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Jakeyadventure
apple computers


Male
Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
Favourite Band : Nirvana
Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:21 pm

Mission 003: Get Back to Where You Once Belonged [Professor Eif]
"jakey i need to get my job back" "oh did you realise the value of teaching the next generation" "no i realised that i'm out of money" "oh" "give this to the dean; he'll know what to do" Professor Eif hands Jakey a package wrapped in purple paper, and nods his head. Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and blasts off back to Alabama University. "kathy i need to see dean taylor" "dean taylor is currently playing trucks and is not to be disturbed" "sigh" Jakey reaches into his pocket and hands Kathy a bundle of bills. "did i say 'not to be disturbed'? well he always makes an exception for people who give me money" Kathy buzzes Jakey into the office, where Taylor kneels on the floor, chewing an old stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum and playing with his trucks. "oh goddammit did you bribe kathy" "this is important dude; professor eif told me to give you this" Jakey sets down the package in front of Taylor, who immediately opens it. "'get well soon'?" Taylor opens the card, and is sprayed in the face with a gaseous substance. "i should totally call professor eif up and rehire him" Taylor gets Professor Eif on the line as Michelle drives one of Taylor's trucks up Jakey's leg. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/trucks t-shirt]
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Jakeyadventure
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Number of posts : 7687
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Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:22 pm

Mission 004: Gangland [Deputy Orange]
"jakey the tensions between rival newspapers the new kathy times, the daily bugle, and the amiee :3 post have erupted into full-on gang warfare with fans of each publication hunting down fans of the other papers in the streets of alabama" "oh jesus" "be sure to not wear purple, red, or pink in the wrong neighbourhood, or you may end up with a cap busted in your ass" "i wasn't planning on wearing any of those colours at any point to be honest" "since you seem to be in the unique position of having an 'in' with the publisher of each newspaper, it is up to YOU to do a bunch of random bullshit for each paper" "i never expected any less" Michelle walks in holding a stack of newspapers called 'The Michelle Observer', and holds up the headline for Jakey to read. "EXTRA: JAKEY TAKES MICHELLE HOME; man who believes the shit in this rag" Michelle slaps Jakey with the paper. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Michelle Observer jacket/The New Kathy Times missions/The Daily Bugle missions/The Amiee :3 Post missions]
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Jakeyadventure
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Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
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Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:22 pm

Mission 005: Gangbusters [Deputy Orange]
"in response to the newspaper gang war, the middle-side robert truckdrivers have become bolder and are now attacking the station's mountain dew shipments" "THOSE FUCKERS HAVE GONE TOO FAR THIS TIME" Jakey hucks Deputy Orange into The Motherfucker before getting in himself and heading for the Mountain Dew truck route. "Give Us The Mountain Dew And No One Gets Hurt" "NEVER" "Come On Please" "Don't Be Lame" "OVER MY DEAD BODY WILL Y'ALL GET THIS PRECIOUS CARGO" "Oh Well" "We Tried" Robert Truckdriver 725 aims his shotgun directly at the truckdriver, but is rammed into by The Motherfucker before he can fire. "Ah Shit" "Run Away" The remaining Middle-Side Robert Truckdrivers scatter. "yeah that's gonna happen" Jakey pulls out his magnum and puts holes into all six fleeing Middle-Side Robert Truckdrivers. "see you in hell" "THANKS FOR THE RESCUE BYE" The truckdriver floors it and heads to finish her delivery. "oh dammit i was planning on getting her phone number" "i'm sure you'll end up in some contrived circumstance and meet her again" "that is the way these things go isn't it" "mmm" Michelle walks up to The Motherfucker. "you can have my phone number if you take me home"
[reward: respect +/Michelle's phone number]
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Jakeyadventure
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Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
Favourite Band : Nirvana
Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:22 pm

Mission 006: Gangnam Style [Deputy Orange]
"okay check it out dude; i made a chart of all the women who are relevant" Jakey motions to a large chart of women that Jakey has scribbled all over. "okay so on the LEFT side are the women i have/am dated/dating, right" "question: how do you manage to court so many women without any getting wind of it" "i have so many ancient artefacts inside me that raise my luck to unnatural levels" "fair enough; carry on" "on the RIGHT side is women i have never dated; six of these women, i am okay with never having dated" "really glad your sister is on the right side" Jakey glares at Deputy Orange. "but THIS woman needs to switch sides" "this sounds creepier and creepier by the minute; how long have you had that chart for" "i just made it last night" "where'd you get all the headshots of all the women" "i took some myself (with permission), and the others are from http://www.femaleheadshots.org/ - they have an extensive database" "that's slightly less creepy in some ways, and more creepy in others" "it's completely legal to use the images from that site for personal use, don't worry" "that's... comforting?" "so here's my plan; my buddy craig has a website - http://www.craigslist.org/ - which has a section called 'lost connections' which i will use to let the lady in question know that she must not have noticed me" "are you sure craigslist is run by your friend craig and not someone else" "oh yes, there are just multiple craigs running around everywhere" "well yeah-" "have you ever met someone else named craig" "n-no but-" "I REST MY CASE" Jakey sets his briefcase down on Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/craigslist t-shirt/eventual frustration that the plan did not work]
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Jakeyadventure
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Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
Favourite Band : Nirvana
Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:22 pm

Mission 007: Hero of Our Time [Adam Sandler]
"adam sandler, the alabamanian government would like to present you with our highest honour - the yellow badge of uh honour" King Bran pins a medal to Adam Sandler's chest - a yellow shield with outlines and designs in pure silver. "i am honoured to be awarded this yellow badge of uh honour" The crowd erupts into applause for their hero. A gunshot rings out from the building above, the bullet hitting Adam Sandler right in the Yellow Badge of Honour. The bullet tinks off harmlessly. "DAMMIT" Sophia fumbles for the second bullet she'd brought before realising she'd given it to the poor little boy out front asking for bullets because he was out of them. "oh well i really didn't want to kill him anyway; he is the most heroic uh hero of our time after all" Sophia calls up her boss and tells him the bad news. "oh well there's always next time" "and for our next award, the alabamanian government would like to present michelle with the yellow ribbon of good personry" Michelle takes the podium as she accepts her award. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Adam Sandler: Hero of Our Time t-shirt/King Bran missions/Sophia missions]
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Jakeyadventure
apple computers


Male
Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
Favourite Band : Nirvana
Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:22 pm

Mission 008: Hero of Our Age [Adam Sandler]
"adam sandler, the canadian government would like to present you with our highest award - the green badge of uh award" King Jakey pins a medal to Adam Sandler's chest - a green shield with outlines and designs in pure gold. "i am honoured to be awarded this green badge of uh award" The crowd erupts into applause for their hero. A gunshot rings out from above, the bullet skimming by Adam Sandler's head. "OOPS THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT" The hot sting of embarrassment tints Grace's face bright red. "BE MORE CAREFUL NEXT TIME" "WILL DO" "and for our next award, the canadian government would like to present michelle with the green ribbon of good princessery" Michelle takes the podium as she accepts her award. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Adam Sandler: Hero of Our Age t-shirt/King Jakey missions/Special Agent Grace missions]
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Jakeyadventure
apple computers


Male
Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
Favourite Band : Nirvana
Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:22 pm

Mission 009: All the News That's Fit to Make Money [The New Kathy Times]
"jakey my newspaper is struggling in the face of all this competition; i tried jacking up the price but that didn't help sell more copies" "gee i wonder why" "i know right!!! so here's the plan; i need you to go door-to-door and sell people some newspapers; if they don't agree to buy, just raise the price" "i don't think that's how it works" "and that's why you're the salesman not the brains of the operation; now get out and sell me some newspapers" Kathy slams the door in Jakey's face. "sigh" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives off to the Robert Truckdriverfolk's home. "hello i am here selling subscriptions to the new kathy times; one year (52 issues) for only $49.95; two years (104 issues) for only $124.95" "Wait Isn't It Usually Cheaper Per Issue If You Buy More At Once" "how does that make sense; we have to print twice as many subscription labels for your newspapers" "Oh That Makes Sense" "so you going to buy or not" "Well I Don't Know" "okay since it's you and we've got history i'll cut you a deal; two years for only $149.95" "I Would Be An Idiot Not To Buy At That Price" Robert Truckdriver 37 hands Jakey his credit card, and Jakey swipes it. Jakey then hands Robert Truckdriver 37 his first issue, as well as his free gift: Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The New Kathy Times jacket]
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Jakeyadventure
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Male
Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
Favourite Band : Nirvana
Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:23 pm

Mission 010: All the News That's Fit to Make Spider-Man Look Bad [The Daily Bugle]
"THERE YOU ARE; YOU'D BETTER HAVE PICTURES OF SPIDER-MAN FOR ME" "uh actually-" Jameson hucks Jakey straight out the window. "DON'T COME BACK WITHOUT PICTURES OF SPIDER-MAN" "here we go again" Jakey splatters on the pavement, then leaps up, ready to get pictures of the Spider-Man. "if i know spider-man, he's definitely uh around here somewhere?" Jakey looks straight up to see Spider-Man spinning some web. "and, like always, i was right on the money" Jakey carefully scales the building. "yo spider-man what are you up to" "i am spinning my web into a cocoon so i can emerge from it a beautiful butterfly" "oh cool; can i get some pictures" "yes; this process must be documented" Jakey takes many pictures as Spider-Man finishes spinning his cocoon, enters it, and eventually emerges as a beautiful butterfly. "thank you so much for allowing me to witness that spider-man" "no problem" Spider-Man flies off as Jakey climbs down and heads to see Jameson. "i got the pictures of spider-man" Jameson instantly snatches the pictures from Jakey's hand. "HE HAS WINGS NOW?! HE'S EVEN MORE OF A MENACE NOW THAN BEFORE" "if you say so" Jameson flicks a nickel at Jakey and shoos him out of the office. Michelle flies up, also now a beautiful butterfly. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Spider-Man jacket/The Daily Bugle jacket]
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Jakeyadventure
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Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
Favourite Band : Nirvana
Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:23 pm

Mission 011: All the News That's Fit to Print [The Amiee :3 Post]
"jakey the best way to win the newspaper war is with quality content; not pricing gimmicks or vendettas" "that idea may just be crazy enough to work" "now find me a story; preferably one that is uplifting and happy" "oh i got one; i found a dollar on the street the other day" "uh that is not what i had in mind" "it made me happy" "i'll bet" Amiee :3 closes the door to her office, and Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and looks around for news. "so who do i know that is hip and happening and up-to-date with current events" Jakey thinks for a moment, then realises the answer to his own question. Jakey drives off to Rachel's house and knocks on the door. "hello rachel; you're looking especially gloomy today" "that's kind of what happens when your dreams have been repeatedly crushed" "that's why i stopped dreaming ages ago; life is so much better when you realise it's shit" "mmm so anyway to what do i owe the pleasure" "oh well i'm working as a beat writer for a newspaper at the moment and i was wondering if you knew of any uplifting/happy news stories i could write about" "happiness is a hot commodity these days; everyone wants it but no one can get it" "uh-" "just the other day, i saw a man stomping on a puppy" "that's awf-wait was it a pitbull" "no" "that's awful" "the puppy was already dead by the time i'd gotten there but the man just kept stomping" "jesus" "if you want happy news, you're going to have to go elsewhere; another planet, maybe" "i hear mars is nice this time of year" "it couldn't be any less nice than the earth" "so it would seem" Michelle rises from within the empty vase on Rachel's mantle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Amiee :3 Post jacket/Rachel missions]
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Jakeyadventure
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Male
Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
Favourite Band : Nirvana
Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:23 pm

Mission 012: Blingin' King [King Bran]
"jakey i have decided that i need to be more regal in appearance so i have custom-ordered some king-bling with some of the gold from the royal treasury" "great use of the royal treasury" "i know right; i'd like you to go to blingz Я us and pick it up for me" "can do" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and heads down to Blingz Я Us, where Shopkeepour sits behind the counter, chewing a fresh stick of Dentine Ice chewing gum. "yo i'm here to pick up the king-bling for king bran" "uh there must be some kind of mistake; king bran himself was just in here and grabbed the king-bling himself" "oh shit" Jakey sprints out of the store and spots a King Bran-looking figure walking down the street. He begins to run after him, but notices another, and another. "FUCK, IT'S NATIONAL 'IMPERSONATE KING BRAN' DAY" Jakey sweats in place, as the thief could be anyone on this street. Shopkeepour motions to Jakey from the door of the shop. "since i knew nikbd was coming up, i created this; the king-bling trackour (patent pending); take it and use it to retrieve that king-bling" "all right!!!" Jakey turns on the device and follows its signal to a dark alleyway, where five King Brans are circling a familiar young woman. "You Haven't Paid Your Taxes This Year" "I-I-I-I'M SORRY I-I-I-IT MUST HAVE G-GOTTEN L-LOST IN THE M-MAIL" "Give Us The Tax Money Plus Interest" "Now" "I-I-I-I-I DON'T H-HAVE IT" "You Would Defy Your King?!" "I-I-I-I-I D-DIDN'T MEAN T-TO" Jakey tackles a King Bran. "JESUS CHRIST THIS ALLEY WAS LONG" "J-J-J-JAKEY D-DON'T A-ATTACK THE K-KING" "this isn't the real king bran; this is an impostor!!! (no relation to impostour)" "What No Way I Am Totally The Real King Bran" "no you're not; i can tell by your robert truckdriverian accent" "Curse This Sexy Accent Of Mine" "RETURN THE KING-BLING YOU MONSTER" "Fine" Robert Truckdriver 48 hands Jakey the king-bling, and Jakey slaps on him a pair of handcuffs. The remaining Robert Truckdrivers try to escape, but Jakey hucks four pairs of handcuffs at them, locking all their arms behind their backs and knocking them over. "i didn't actually think that would work" "o-oh j-jakey i-i-i was s-so scared; i-i-i wouldn't l-last in prison" "it's okay; the only people going to prison in THIS alley are these five" "b-but there w-were six f-fake king brans" Just then, Michelle descends from a fire escape, disguised as King Bran. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/National 'Impersonate King Bran' Day t-shirt/Shopkeepour missions/Valerie missions]
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Jakeyadventure
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Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
Favourite Band : Nirvana
Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:24 pm

Mission 013: Singin' King [King Bran]
"jakey i have decided that it is an affront to my kingliness that elvis presley is the king of rock 'n' roll so i have decided to wrestle the title away from him" "wow man, good luck" "not necessary; i have made sure that my musical debut will be a successful one with the most perfect rock 'n' roll song ever created" "wow what's it called" "kingly fling part iv: from my arms to yours (kill all the jews)" "i can think of at least one market that song will not be successful with" "i have carefully weighed the gains and losses i will incur by angering the jewish market; i have deemed it 'worth it'" "but won't a song about killing off the jewish race end with poor reviews from kathy magazine, the authority on all things" Kathy pops up inbetween the two men. "no, as i have carefully weighed the gains and losses i will incur by angering the jewish market; i have deemed it 'profitable'" "good to know" Michelle walks down the hall, blasting King Bran's last single, "Kingly Fling Part III: From My Mouth to Yours (Kill All the Canadians)". "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Kingly Fling Part IV t-shirt]
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Jakeyadventure
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PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:24 pm

Mission 014: Putting the Ass in Assassin [Sophia]
"jakey am i a bad assassin" "well based on what i've seen, you have a 0% success rate" "well i mean i'm good at the low-end targets but i always choke when i get to the high-profile guys" "walk me through your usual routine when going out for an assassination" "well first i grab my gun, then i grab a bullet, and i head to the top of a tall building near the target's location" "have you considered bringing multiple bullets" "well i did that last time but there was this little boy and i just couldn't stand to see him so poor and hungry and bulletless, so i gave one to him" "okay, so why not bring like three or four or like ten" "i don't have that many pockets" "well uh sheriff antony has a bandolier which holds dozens of bullets and wraps right around his torso" "oh wow that sounds really nice; no more fumbling to remember which pocket is which; where can i get one" "i'd imagine bandolierz Я us would have several" "that would make sense, yes" "also let me see your gun" Sophia hands her gun, Mr. Shooty, to Jakey. "be careful with him" "uh where's your scope" "oh right" Sophia hands Jakey a pair of binoculars. "uh did you know that they make little scopes that attach to the top of your gun so you don't have to fumble between your gun and your binoculars" "WHAT get out of town" "it's true; scopez Я us has a large selection" "damn; i can't believe i missed so many recent developments in assassination technology" "... uh neither can i" Jakey looks through the binoculars and spots Michelle hiding in Sophia's closet. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mr. Shooty jacket]
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Jakeyadventure
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Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
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Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:24 pm

Mission 015: Ready to Rock [Sophia]
"all right jakey i have taken your advice and have outfitted myself with the latest in bandolier and scope technology; i am ready to go with dozens of bullets at my disposal" "all right" "oh boy a fax" Sophia eagerly waits near the fax machine, and grabs her next assassignment. "hmmmmmm hey jakey do you know a 'father brucie'" "uh-oh; sophia you can't kill a priest" "challenge accepted" "WHAT THAT WASN'T A CHALLENGE" "sorry can't hear you; off to kill clergymen" Sophia walks off to the clocktower overlooking the church, whistling happily. "oh jesus christ what have i done" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and heads Sophia off at the base of the clocktower, blocking its entrance with police tape and traffic cones. "HALT MA'AM THE CLOCKTOWER IS OFF-LIMITS TO ALL NON-LAW ENFORCEMENT PERSONNEL; HALT I SAID HALT" Sophia breaks through the police tape and begins her climb. Jakey turns The Motherfucker into a jetpack and flies upward, heading Sophia off at the next door. Jakey covers the doorway with a brick wall. "whoops guess the way is blocked off; let's go get burgers instead" Sophia tears apart the brick wall before it has a chance to set, and continues her climb. Jakey rockets upward to the next door, which he welds shut. "ah shit sophie; the door has been welded shut" Sophia grabs the side of the nearby window, and hurls herself through it, then through the next window just beyond the door. Jakey rockets upward to the final door, which he writes 'DANGER' on in red marker. "SOPHIE IT'S DANGEROUS IN THERE; DON'T GO" Sophia ignores Jakey's warning and opens the door, and is immediately attacked by a tiger. "I WARNED YOU IT WAS DANGEROUS" Sophia rolls around, wrestling the tiger, eventually shoving Mr. Shooty into its mouth and firing. "THOSE ARE ENDANGERED" Sophia finally makes it to the top of the clocktower and sets up her rifle, aiming it directly at Father Brucie as he gives his service. "WHOOPS IT'S NOON TIME TIME TO RING THE BELL" Jakey rings the bell as loudly and constantly as he can, but Sophia just puts on a pair of noise-cancelling earmuffs. Running out of options rapidly, Jakey runs and tries to tackle Sophia, but she rolls out of the way just in time. Jakey falls off the clocktower, watching as Sophia fires directly at Father Brucie. Father Brucie's holy aura disintegrates the bullet before it can reach him. "WHAT" No matter how many bullets Sophia fires, none can penetrate the love and light of the Lord. "GODDAMMIT" Jakey finally hits the ground with a sickening 'splet', but reforms to normal seconds later. "MY TURN" Michelle falls right on top of Jakey, breaking her fall. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Father Brucie missions]
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PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:24 pm

Mission 016: Children of the Night [Sophia]
"hey sophie are you okay" "muh" "that's not a word" "buh" "listen, you were unlucky that your contract was on one of the lord's favourite sheep; next time i'm sure you'll actually be able to assassinate your target" "nuh" "oh for fuck's sake" Jakey pulls on Sophia's arm, dragging her out of her bed and across the floor. Just then, a fax comes through. "oh hey" Jakey grabs the fax and reads through it. "oh oh oh here's a good one; a contract from the birdseye vegetable company on the jolly green giant!!! he'll never see it coming!!!" "guh" "you'll never get yourself out of this funk until you actually try" "i like my funk" "yes, that is why your face is stained with tears" "tears of happiness" "and the frown of happiness as well?" "yes" "just, come on" Jakey tosses Sophia her jacket, grabs Mr. Shooty, and leads her out to The Motherfucker, then flies her to the top of the skyscraper overlooking the Jolly Green Giant's press conference. "MR. GIANT; KATHY OF KATHY MAGAZINE HERE; HOW DO YOU RESPOND TO THE ALLEGATIONS THAT YOUR VEGETABLES TASTE TERRIBLE" "bum bum bum" "okay there he is; right there; standing; being giant" "yeah" "just take aim and fire; i believe in you" "that's nice but i don't believe in me" "you don't have to; believe in me who believes in you" "sigh" Sophia aims Mr. Shooty straight at the Jolly Green Giant's heart and lightly touches the trigger. She is nervous, but shock makes it pass when her nervous shake taps the trigger slightly too hard, and green blood flows out of the Jolly Green Giant's body. Paramedics rush onto the scene, but it is too late; the Jolly Green Giant is dead. "i did it!!!" "see my plan worked; i am a genius" "sure" Michelle rushes up to the Jolly Green Giant's body and sheds a single tear. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jolly Green Giant jacket]
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PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:24 pm

Mission 017: Syrup Trouble [King Jakey]
"SON OUR MAPLE SYRUP SHIPMENTS ARE BEING DISRUPTED" "OH NO WITHOUT THE MAPLE SYRUP SHIPMENTS WE DON'T EVEN HAVE AN ECONOMY" "YOU NEED TO GO OUT THERE AND FIX THIS SHIT WHILE I CALM THE PUBLIC" Jakey motions for Grace (watching from above, as always) to stay behind and protect his father, then hops into The Motherfucker and burns rubber heading for the shipping route while the king attempts to placate the rioting crowd. "my fellow canadians; duplicitous criminals have stolen our shit and we are working tirelessly to get it back" "THOSE FUCKERS" "HOW DARE THEY STEAL OUR SHIT" "THAT'S OUR SHIT; THEY CAN'T HAVE IT" Jakey eventually finds a group of hooligans accosting the truckdriver of the maple syrup truck. "y'all gonna be sorry; this maple syrup is protected by the canadian government" "we're not scared" "well we are scared, but not of the government" "STOP RIGHT THERE, CRIMINAL SCUM" "sorry copper; youse raided your last heist" The man fires his shotgun, straight into Jakey's chest, but Jakey is unfazed. "I WILL NOT REST UNTIL OUR MAPLE SYRUP IS RETURNED TO US" "hey vinnie this guy's just shrugging off bullets left and right" "they're called shells you putz" "whatever vinnie wese better split while the splitting's good" "i agree marco; let us depart" The two goons hop into the truck while Jakey's still playing up his regenerative powers. "wait shit" Jakey dives and fires blindly into the cabin of the truck, but the goons get away. "next time try doing your job BEFORE showing off" Jakey sweats. He cannot ask out the cute truckdriver while she thinks he is a failure. "e-excuse me" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker to chase the truck, but Michelle is in the passenger seat already. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/maple syrup jacket]
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PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:24 pm

Mission 018: Maple Madness [King Jakey]
"the canadian mafia?!" "i was just as surprised to learn we had one" "listen you have to get the maple syrup back; it's SUPER-important" "i know i know; i'm just waiting for my contact to get back to me" Just then, Resistance Leadour enters the room. "my resistance of the mafia has turned out well; i know that your maple syrup truck is currently stashed in a garage just behind the local parazoni pizza place" "you evict one mafia, another pops right up" "but we've got to keep resisting; just like i D.A.R.E.d to resist drugs and alcohol" "amen" Jakey and Resistance Leadour hop into The Motherfucker and head down to Papa Parazoni's Authentic Canadian Pizzioni. "hello-a to-a you-a would-a you-a like-a pizza-a" "'pizza-a'?" Kathy glares at Jakey from behind the counter. "look-a they-a make-a me-a do-a this-a; do-a you-a want-a pizza-a or-a not-a" "i'd rather stop the canadian mafia-a" Kathy gives Jakey a nice slap across the face, then takes her wad of bills. "they're-a in-a the-a back-a; now-a kindly-a fuck-a off-a" Jakey heads into the backroom, where the maple syrup truck is guarded by dozens of armed goons. "wow; tight security" "well i am going to stay here and resist them" Resistance Leadour sits at the top of the steps, resisting. "you do that; i'm going to take a more practical approach" Resistance Leadour resists the urge to get angry at Jakey for insulting the practicality of resistance. Meanwhile, Jakey leaps onto the top of the truck's trailer and lies on his back. Jakey looks up into the rafters and gives Grace the thumbs-up. Grace reciprocates, and begins to fire upon the mobsters from the rafters. "hey did youse guys hear something" "nah" "it was probably just some rats" "oh okay" Jakey rolls over onto his side and begins firing upon the mobsters he can see. Once all in the warehouse are dead aside from Jakey, Grace, Erin, and Resistance Leadour, Grace leaps into the driver's seat of the truck, and Jakey remains on top to fire upon the pursuing mafia goons. Grace eventually makes her way back to where the truck was stolen, and where the truckdriver waits. Grace hops out of the truck, and in the same instant, the truckdriver hops inside and takes off. "THANKS" Jakey is flung off the top of the truck, and lands directly onto Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Papa Parazoni's Authentic Canadian Pizzioni t-shirt/Resistance Leadour missions]
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PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:25 pm

Mission 019: No Need to Decoy [Special Agent Grace]
"jakey how much do you know about vampires" "about as much as anyone else i'd imagine" "well i am suspicious of the vampires living at the recently-rebuilt not-sunny acres apartments, so i am going to send in the decoy to see how they react to a real, unguarded human wandering among them" "not a bad plan, in all honesty" Jakey and Grace load the decoy into The Motherfucker and head off to the apartment building. Grace sets up the decoy outside of the first door, and she and Jakey hide in the janitor's closet while the decoy knocks on the door. Gwendolyn opens the door, takes one look at the decoy and sighs. "jakey please don't embarrass yourself; i know this dumb toy isn't you" "WHAT" Grace erupts from the closet, enraged. "DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT THE DEC-uh i mean the prince; you'll hurt his feelings" Grace pats the decoy on the back. "it's okay, she didn't mean it" Gwendolyn walks past Grace and the decoy, and opens up the closet door. "hello" "care to explain this whole scene" "hey i don't come up with the random tasks i do; i just ro-o-o-oll with the punches and get to what's real" "cute" "i thought so" Grace slaps the side of her face. "oh my god!!! two prince jakeys!!! this is unheard of!!!" "you can stop embarrassing yourself any time, miss" "i'd rather not" "fair enough" Gwendolyn returns to her room. "that went well" "HOW THE FUCK WAS SHE ABLE TO SEE THROUGH THE DECOY" Grace kicks over the decoy, then recoils in shock when she realises what she did. "ah shit i'm sorry i'm sorry" Grace picks the decoy back up off the floor and dusts it off, then gives it a large hug. "i'm so sorry i didn't mean it; mommy gets mad sometimes you know" Jakey slowly backs away, not realising when he reaches the top of the stairs. Jakey falls down the stairs and lands on Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]
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Jakeyadventure
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PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:25 pm

Mission 020: Decoy's Our Boy [Special Agent Grace]
"i have rereredoubled my efforts; the efforts are now SIXTEEN TIMES THE STANDARD RATE" "goddamn; that is a lot of effort" "you're damn right it is; this decoy is even better than before; NO ONE will be able to tell the difference" "except you, right?" "can't take that chance" "i'm over here" "oh yeah hi" "hi" "before i'd set it so that true love would allow you to tell the difference, as my motherly love for the decoy would grant me that ability, but apparently vampiric senses can hone in on that, and that is dangerous" "but what about that time michelle couldn't tell the difference" "she was obviously having a joke then, but she will not be able to tell the difference now" "but-" "no one can tell the difference; if i took a picture of you standing next to the decoy and showed it to you next week, you would not be able to tell which one was you and which was the decoy" "even though i truly love myself?" "yes" "damn" Michelle walks up to the decoy, gives it one glance, and walks over to the real Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/effort t-shirt]
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Jakeyadventure
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PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:25 pm

Mission 021: Dressed to Depress [Rachel]
"hey rachel how are you feeling" "depressed, as usual" "well at least you're consistent i suppose" "mmm i'm supposed to visit my mother today back in mojavistan; would you like to come along" "i don't have anything better to do" "i can't imagine anyone would" Jakey and Rachel hop into The Motherfucker and head to Mojavistan. "bing bong" "oh hello rachel it's been so long!!! and you've brought a friend!!!" "yeah" "hello" "come in come in!!!" "thank you mrs jackson" "miss jackson, and either way just call me piper" "uh yes miss-uh piper" Jakey nervously follows Piper into the house, desperately hoping no one has noticed his throbbing cock standing engorged within his pants. Words are said, but Jakey's mind is elsewhere. Why did Rachel need to get implants to have those when her mother has THOSE? They seem to be properly-supported, but Jakey can definitely see two nipples staring at him through the red fabric of her turtleneck sweater. Do they make bras with nipple windows? If so, why don't more girls wear them? Jakey decides then and there to raise more awareness for nipple-window bras if they do, in fact, exist. He'll print up some posters and everything. Jakey soon realises that he has been looking downward this entire time, so he jolts his head upward in panic. Piper's eyes are a dark green, which is very striking so close to the red turtleneck. Before he realises it, Jakey's eyes are pointed downward once again. The hypnotic allure of the breasts and their nipples is too much for any one man to stand up to. It's lucky that Rachel and Piper are talking amongst themselves, because Jakey is in no condition to notice anything but the breasts in front of him. Beads of sweet drip down Jakey's face, though he is unaware. He is, however, incredibly thirsty. Finally, something is said that snaps Jakey out of his trance. "but i've gone on long enough; are you kids thirsty? can i get you anything to drink?" Without thinking, Jakey blurts out his response. "MILK" "uh yeah i'll have some milk as well" Piper heads into the kitchen to grab the two guests their drinks. Jakey is not typically a lover of the posterior, but Piper's does not escape his notice. It appears firm, and of moderate size. Piper pours two glasses of milk, and puts the jug back into the fridge, closing the door not with her hips as Jakey had imagined, but with her hands, as one does. Piper returns to the living room with two tall, cold glasses of creamy, white whole milk. Jakey immediately begins to chug down the glass of milk, and finally has a moment to think about something other than Piper's body. Unfortunately, he uses the moment to think about the glass. It's actually made of glass, and is very large and slightly fancy. A fine glass for entertaining, providing a smooth drinking experience. Piper slides a coaster underneath Jakey's glass as he sets it down, then sits down across from Rachel, Jakey, and Michelle. "so michelle tell me about yourself" "well i really enjoy when jakey takes me home"
[reward: respect +/nipple-window bra awareness posters appear at safehouses/Piper missions]
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PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:25 pm

Mission 022: Me + A Camel [Rachel]
"hey rachel what's up" "depressed" "i can see that; maybe you should get a hobby to take your mind off how you completely failed to achieve your life's dream" "yeah i've taken up smoking" Jakey's eyebrows raise in surprise as a faint 'ding' is heard. "oh the ham is ready" Rachel takes a beautiful ham out of the smoker. "smells delicious" "the scent and taste of smoked ham is all i have in life; that and my friend joe camel" Rachel pats her pet camel on the snout, slightly happier since she got him across the border. "i also enjoy cigarettes" "wha-" "not smoking them, mind; i just like collecting them" Rachel turns on a light, revealing her collection of cigarette packaging through the years. "how do you afford this" "oh my mother got rich off my father's life insurance after he was murdered by the mojavistanian mafia" "oh right; my father was the one who ended don spaghazoni's reign as godfather" "bless that man" "so if you're rich why do you work as a waitress" "well uh you might think this is silly but i always thought i'd wait on a film director and he'd see me and cast me right there" "not silly so much as na´ve" "same thing really" "so why do you still work as a waitress" "i guess i kind of feel like quitting being a waitress would be the same thing as admitting i'll never fulfill my dreams" Jakey's fingers clench involuntarily. "the last sliver of hope is the most important" "every day i feel like it slips further and further away" Michelle walks up to Jakey, with two dozen blazing cigarettes in her mouth. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/camel t-shirt/camel jacket]
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Jakeyadventure
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Number of posts : 7687
Age : 23
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Registration date : 2007-12-29

PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:25 pm

Mission 023: Don't Hate the Player [Rachel]
"rachel good news!!! i made some calls and okay so my good friend authour right he's a big player in the russian theatre scene right? right so i called him up and he says you're perfect to be the leading lady of the next big russian play being put together by comrade ivan!!!" "i-what" "listen i know you wanted to be in movies, but the russian theatre scene lets you act every week; maybe even more if the show is a big hit" "but russia is so far away and-" "don't worry don't worry; i got you this" Jakey pins a button to Rachel's jacket. "wha-" "press the button and you will be teleported straight to the theatre; press it a second time and you're back home" "th-this is all so much to take in" "you don't have to respond right away; think it over but hey maybe someone will see you in the theatre and cast you in a film; much better odds than as a waitress right" "jakey i-thanks" "any time" Rachel goes in for a big hug, but catches Michelle instead of Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Comrade Ivan missions]
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Jakeyadventure
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PostSubject: Re: One of Those Things (2017)   Sun Oct 23, 2016 2:25 pm

Mission 024: Wigging Out [Shopkeepour]
"jakey my cousin wiggour is bringing shame to the family name" "i can imagine; he was doomed from the start" "let's just get into the motherfucker and head off for wiggour's house" They do just that. "HEY YO WASSUP IT'S YO BOY WIGGOUR WE HERE ON THE MADDEN 18; LET'S POP THIS SHIT" "how about no" "yo shopkeepour homeboy-" "stop; you are embarrassing yourself and our family" "but my parents named me wiggour so they obviously wanted me to-" "MAKE WIGS" "shiiiieeeeeet" Wiggour stops to think for a moment while Jakey sits down to play some Madden 18. "i think i prefer playing madden for the youtube to be honest" "your parents must be ashamed that they raised such a DISAPPOINTMENT" "i don't know man this game's pretty sweet dude" Jakey has Tom Brady drop back to lob a pass to Gronk, but Michelle comes out of nowhere and snatches the ball, running it back for a touchdown. "HE SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER THAN TO THROW TO MICHELLE ISLAND BOB" "RIGHT YOU ARE BOB" "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Madden 18 t-shirt]
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One of Those Things (2017)
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