Memories of One of Those Things (2017)

MEMORY TWENTY-SIX [Gwendolyn]
"jakey it's horrible" "it always seems to be, doesn't it" "they've discontinued my favourite breakfast cereal!!!" "oh no it's not rice krispies is it" "uh no" "phew" Gwendolyn hands Jakey and empty box of Bloody Puffs - the cereal made by vampires, for vampires. "most cereals you need to pour blood onto, but bloody puffs is different, as the puffs are made with 100% pure all-natural blood; the way the milk and the puffs combine flavours is just TOO GOOD" "i'll uh take your word for it" "well you'll have to!!! i went down to cerealz Я us and the guy chewing the gum told me they'd discontinued it!!!" "well let's go to the company's headquarters, bribe kathy, find out some stupid shit has happened, then work it out from there" "sounds like a plan" Jakey and Gwendolyn hop into The Motherfucker and drive to the Vampiric Cereal headquarters, where Kathy sits behind her desk, playing Pokémon HeartGold. "jesus fuck you damn-ass heracross get into the fucking ball goddamn" "i can see you're busy so i'll just leave the bribe here" Jakey places a wad of bills onto Kathy's desk as she furiously holds down+B, biting on her bottom lip almost hard enough to break the skin. Jakey and Gwendolyn then hop into the elevator and head up to the top floor, where a pile of ash and a wooden stake are all that remain. Gwendolyn hangs her head and puts her hand over her heart while Jakey scans the room. "looks like the room was booby-trapped" Jakey points to a thin broken rope protruding from a breast attached to the wall. "the wooden stake shot out of this metal tube when this poor guy tripped the wire here" "jakey you go scan for more traps while i put the ashes into an urn" Jakey nods and heads into the next room, which seems to be clear. "so do we know who the victim was" "old man roberts, the friendliest vampire you'd ever meet" "why would someone want him dead" "other than the fact that vampires are considered inherently evil by 99% of the population?" "the most recent study said 97.5%" "whatever the point is that it could have been ANYBODY" "hmm" Jakey pauses to think for a moment. "oh man i've got an idea to avenge mistour roberts; you go to the store and get me some red contact lenses while i take michelle home" Michelle's head pops out of a bowl of popcorn. "did i hear that right you're going to take me home right"

MEMORY TWENTY-SEVEN [Gwendolyn]
Jakey walks into the main office of the Vampiric Cereal headquarters wearing a pair of red contacts, having just gotten the factory up and running again. He looks out over the factory and smiles, then sits down in his chair for a celebratory slumber. As he sits down and sleeps, he is crept up on by a brigand, who shoves a wooden stake through his chest. "now that wasn't nice" Jakey grabs the stake and tears it out of his own chest, his wound healing instantly. Jakey twirls the stake around in his hand as the brigand watches in disbelief. The twirling goes awry, however, and Jakey drops the stake onto the ground. "shit just a second" Jakey bends down to pick up the stake, and the brigand begins to run off. "you didn't like the show?" Jakey hucks the stake into the fleeing brigand, piercing his chest and killing him. "no refunds" "now to remove the ski mask and see who this man actually is!!!" "was" "whatever!!!" Gwendolyn flips the brigand over and rips off his ski mask, revealing the face of some guy they'd never met before. "how anticlimactic" "i was kind of hoping it would have been that kathy woman all along" "oh man!!! what a twist that would have been!!!" "oh well" Gwendolyn gives the corpse a little kick. "so i'm going to leave this whole cereal business thing to you; good luck with your endeavours i will be back to check up on it later after i take michelle home" Michelle glares at Jakey from the factory floor. "IT'S NO FUN IF YOU PREMPT ME ASKING YOU TO TAKE ME HOME"

MEMORY TWENTY-EIGHT [Gwendolyn]
"jakey i sent off a shipment of cereal to cerealz Я us, but it hasn't arrived yet despite the fact that cerealz Я us is right next door" "uh-oh" "i am afraid that something has happened to that poor truckdriver on her way next door, but i can't go myself as i need to figure out what this flashing red light and this perpetually-spinning gauge mean; also the smoke coming out of this panel probably isn't good" "on it" Jakey exits the building and immediately sees a cute truckdriver woman being stuck up by some members of the vampire mafia. "why didn't i see this before i came in" "ey youse cop step away from the cereal or the lady gets it" "and wese won't just be snacking on cereal then capiche" "loud and clear, your mafiosoness" Jakey steps backward, carefully making sure he steps onto the curb in just such a way that he loses his balance and falls to the ground. "what a maroon" Jakey uses the goons' temporary distraction to huck a singular clove of garlic between the two of them. "oh god" "not like this" The goons scatter, leaving the cereal alone. "glad we cleared that up" As Jakey gets up, the truckdriver hops into the cab and speeds off. "THANKS" Just as soon as she'd sped up, however, she stops in front of her destination. Jakey begins to chat her up, learning her name is Bailey, when a small explosion knocks Gwendolyn out of the office and on top of him. "I FIGURED OUT WHAT WAS WRONG" "crushing" Jakey gasps for air, but is unable to. "windpipe" "oh sorry" Gwendolyn gets up off of Jakey and dusts herself off. "someone had stuck a breadstick in the control panel but everything's okay now" "what about the explosion" "oh that was unrelated" "oh good" Michelle walks up and grabs her breadstick. "i was wondering where i'd left that!!!" Michelle chomps down on her breadstickly treat. "take me home"

MEMORY TWENTY-NINE [Candice]
"jakey i am sick of not having any worth as a person in the face of all these robots/white collar shenanigans" "i-" "SO NOW I WILL INITIATE PLAN THETA" "plan theta?!" Grace runs into the room holding a birthday cake. "PLAN THETA ENGAGED JAKEY" "i had no idea it was your birthday candice!!! i thought it was last month!!!" "..." "..." "what" "plan theta; procure birthday cake and celebrate a birthday with it" "..." "..." "um my birthday WAS last month" "then why in the fuck would you engage plan theta!!!" "we can't eat this birthday cake without a birthday!!!" "i-" "QUICK do we know anyone whose birthday is in september" "uh taylor's birthday is on the 30th" "will the cake keep until then?" Jakey holds his head in his hands, deperately trying not to waste the delicious birthday cake. "our course is clear jakey" "yes, we must travel to a parallel universe where candice's birthday is TODAY and celebrate with her there, then return once the celebration is complete" "yes; let us go" Jakey and Grace sprint into The Motherfucker, where Jakey transforms it into an interdimensional travel machine. Jakey inputs his conditions on The Motherfucker's computer, travelling to the closest parallel universe where Candice was born in September instead of August. Luckily, that specific parallel universe is QPU-aligned, making for easy travel. It is a war-torn universe, where battles have been waged for centuries over the last chocolate chip cookie ever made, as the recipe was lost long ago. This universe's version of Candice sits in a foxhole, a single tear streaming down her cheek, as she was drafted into this war and is away from her family on her birthday. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY CANDICE MARIE PLUMBRIDGE" Grace and Jakey hand PU-Candice her birthday cake, and she smiles for the first time in a long, long time. "make a wish make a wish!!!" PU-Candice does exactly that, and then she, Grace, and Jakey share the delicious birthday treat. "happy birthday to you!!! here's the song that you're due!!! you're such a great friend!!! and we appreciate you!!!" A single tear streams down PU-Candice's cheek, but this tear is very much unlike the one that had directly preceeded it. The first tear was born of sorrow, but this second tear is born of the beautiful joy PU-Candice is feeling for the first time in many, many years. "so uh not to look a gift horse in the mouth (especially when it's such a great horse) but um who are you" "oh right i'm jakey and this is grace; we're from a parallel universe where that version of you requested a birthday cake NOT on her birthday!!!" "CAN YOU BELIEVE THE NERVE OF THAT CANDICE, CANDICE" "i am ashamed to share her name and face" "well we'd better get going before we violate casualty or something" "causality" "whatever; happy birthday again candice" "thank you for everything you have done for me, jakey and grace" Jakey and Grace wave as they take back off for their own universe. With renewed morale, PU-Candice gets back to the fight, strengthened by the bonds she has forged. Suddenly, Jakey and Grace return to pick up Michelle, whom they'd accidentally left behind. "take me home"

MEMORY THIRTY [Candice]
"what's all this?" "i was going to tell you, but then you ran off with a birthday cake and a hooker an-" A gunshot is heard as a bullet barely misses Candice's head. "..." "..." "d-did i say 'hooker'? i meant beautiful young lady" "common mistake" "so uh a-anyway i'm accomplishing my life's goal in order to stay relevant as a human being" "oh yeah that's pretty common these days" "i am going to build the world's GREATEST city; check out my scale model" Candice hands Jakey a small house she'd built. "this is the home of benjamin and dorothy, and their children, sandra and thin mints" "thin mints?" "I WAS HUNGRY AT THE TIME AND I ACCIDENTALLY ATE HUGO SO I REPLACED HIM WITH A PACKAGE OF THIN MINTS OKAY" "i'm sure benji and doro can't tell the difference" "you will notice here that the miniature houses are all made of organic composite cement and of course poplar held together by glue made from the finest race horses" "i thought you were all about the composite rubber cement" "that was over a decade ago; technological advances have revolutionised the way we make buildings" "i'll take your word for it" "this one house is inhabited by a powerful lich who is summoning an army of skeletons to raze the city" "that's part of your perfect city?!" "yes because the skeletons will fail in their quest; these buildings are positively raze-proof" "i find that hard to believe" Candice calls in her assistant, Michelle, who attempts to raze the city, but is unable to. Michelle, as everyone knows, is the greatest razer in the world. In her shame, Michelle makes a request of Jakey. "take me home"

MISSION THIRTY-ONE [Piper]
Jakey knocks on Piper's door. She greets him with enthusiasm and a large smile. "jakey!!! how nice to see you!!! listen i really value your help in recent endeavours!!!" "yes help" Jakey catches most of what Piper is saying, which is a miracle considering how much of his attention is directed at the two gigantic watermelons under Piper's sweater. "i hate to ask so much of you but i really need help!!! the united states has released a new set of stamps commemorating donald trump!!! the trumpster!!! i would love to have these for my collection!!! but!!! i can't go all the way to america myself!!! i don't want to leave my stamp collection behind to be stolen again!!! i also can't take it with me!!! the mugging rate in america is the highest in the world!!! could you please do this for me jakey" "DO NOT FEAR MA'AM I WILL GET THE STAMPS FOR YOU" "thank you so much!!! i have noticed your interest in my breasts so to reward you for your efforts i will let you look at them in all their glory when you return!!!" The second these words are processed by Jakey's brain, he sprints full-tilt out the door. Jakey's body moves far faster than his mind, which remains focussed on the boobs. Jakey runs straight past The Motherfucker, through the deserts of Mojavistan. The intense heat doesn't even faze Jakey, as his body and mind are in no condition to even notice such things. Jakey continues to run, and eventually runs straight across the Atlantic Ocean as if the water were solid land. Eventually, he reaches America, and is stopped by the border guards. "halt you are attempting to access american soil; you are not allowed to do that" These words snap Jakey out of his trance, and he notices that he is standing on the ocean. As he realises this, the laws of physics resume their hold on him, and he falls into the water. Jakey is unable to swim, and is swept away by the current as he drowns and revives over and over, until he reaches the shores of Mojavistan, where Michelle is standing wearing her swimsuit and floaties. "take me home"

MISSION THIRTY-TWO [Piper]
"all right nigs step aside; i'm your president let me pass" "you look nothing like president trump (donnie t.)" "WHAT" "you're yesterday's news jakey your term ran out and you didn't even run for re-election!!!" "HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW" "we sent you a shitload of emails on your computer in the white house!!!" "listen, i don't know what that is" "have... you ever even been to america before?" Jakey sweats, as he does not want the guards to know about the incident that took place back in 2004. "uh no" "HOW DID YOU EVEN GET ELECTED" "lies and trickery, like every other politician" The guards' eyes narrow and they shoo Jakey back to the neutral zone, where Michelle waits, wearing a Jakey for president 2013 shirt. "take me home"

MISSION THIRTY-THREE [Piper]
"okay gracie just how we planned it" "gotcha" Grace struts up to the border guards, disguised as a typical American girl, with the bleach blonde hair and the slutty clothes and the ten-gallon hat. "like oh my god!!! y'all!!! i'm like back from my vacation!!! please let me like in!!!" "we'll need to see your american identification card ma'am" "like here it is!!! y'all!!!" Grace hands the guards the forged I.D. she'd had made. "this is a forgery miss" "WHAT how could you te-um!!! i mean!!! like!!! no it isn't!!! y-y'all!!!" "ma'am please do not embarrass yourself further" "I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO EMBARRASS MYSELF-uh i mean what a rude thing to like say!!! y'all!!!" The guards shoo Grace off, and she returns to Jakey, dejected that she has failed in her mission. She sits down in the sand next to Michelle, who is dejected that her ice cream cone melted all over her hand. "take me home"

MISSION THIRTY-FOUR [Piper]
"okay sophie like we practiced" "all right!!!" Sophia walks up and down the border waving Mr. Shooty around. "bang bang" Sophia pantomimes firing it at multiple people. "rat-a-tatta-tatta-tat" "DUDE GUARDS THAT WOMAN HAS A GUN AND IS MAKING SHOOTY NOISES WITH HER MOUTH" "aw she's not hurting anyone" "and she looks like she's having so much fun" "just let her be, man" "..." Jakey looks over at Sophia, who appears to be having the time of her life. "yeah, it would be a shame to cut this short" Jakey walks over and sits on the sand, watching Sophia pretend to murder people. Michelle ducks for cover inside her sand castle and begins firing at Sophia with a super soaker. Sophia whips around and returns fire with actual bullets. Michelle ducks just in time to avoid having her head taken off. "TAKE ME HOME"

MISSION THIRTY-FIVE [Piper]
"this is a long-shot but it's the only option i have left" Jakey sighs and walks back up to the border guards. "hello i am the prince of canada and would like to have a discussion with your president about the option of peace between our two countries" "ah yes prince jakey that would be nice let us go meet president trump" The guards call for the royal Canadian limo to take Jakey and the Canadian ambassador stationed in America to the White House, where they will meet with President Trump. "prince jakey we have been expecting you!!! it is good that we are doing this because the americans were getting restless at having an embassy with a nation they are constantly at war with" "uh sorry who are you?" The woman looks at Jakey with a confused look on her face. "i'm the canadian ambassador to the united states, natalie belrose" "oh yes a very important political uh person sorry i was just uh testing you!!! listen since you are important and the canada/united states relations are also important i believe i will need to have your phone number in order to discuss politics with you maybe over drinks at the bar or a nice dinner at a restaurant" "the way you nervously stumble around asking me on dates is almost endearing!!!" Natalie hands Jakey a slip of paper with her phone number on it as they reach the White House. "hello canadians!!!" "hello president trump!!!" "what brings you here today" "do you want the honest answer or the bullshit answer" "they do say the honesty is the best policy" "i need the president trump collector's stamps" "are you a stamp collector too?!" "yes" "amazing!!! i happen to have an extra set of stamps!!!" President Trump hands Jakey a mint set of the Donnie T. stamps. "i like the cut of your jib let us have peace between our two nations" "anyone who collects stamps can't be a bad guy i accept" Jakey and President Trump shake hands, ushering in a new era of peace between the two nations. Jakey says his goodbyes and hops aboard a plane back to Mojavistan. "he actually did it the absolute madman; he made america great again" A single tear streams down his face as he returns to Mojavistan. Jakey knocks on Piper's door, and she greets him enthusiastically. "you've got the stamps!!! i knew you could do it!!!" Piper locks Jakey into such a tight hug that he suffocates and revives over and over before Piper lets him inside. "well!!! a deal's a deal jakey!!!" Piper takes the stamps and places them in her safe to properly introduce to her collection at a later date, then beckons Jakey upstairs into the bedroom. He follows, almost floating up the stairs. "well here they are!!!" Piper removes her turtleneck sweater and her gigantic fleshly lumps of womanhood are put on display for Jakey's perusal. Jakey is overwhelmed with emotion; his eyes tear up and his desire reaches a firmness and length he never thought himself capable of. His pants nearly rip at the prospect, but they hold themselves together, as now is not the time to fail. Jakey begins to feel and squeeze the breasts, then he buries his face between them, experiencing the purest joy any man has ever felt in history. Meanwhile, Michelle taps her foot and checks her watch, waiting for her turn. "take me home"