Nothing (2006)

Mission 075: You Didn't Stop to Make Me Feel Better [Post Lady Layla]
"citizen!!! here is your pizza" Jakey grabs the box of pizza, eyes wide with anticipation. "oh boy i have been looking forward to eating these eight delicious triangles but not all at once because i do not want to get sick" "uh we cut our pizza into sixths" "..." Jakey drops the box of pizza, six triangles falling out. "YOU ARE A MONSTER" Jakey slams the door in Post Lady Layla's face as Scraps tries to lick up the triangles. "SCRAPS NO THIS IS NOT FIT FOR CONSUMPTION" Jakey quickly sweeps up the six triangles and throws them in the incinerator, a single tear streaming down his cheek. "bing bong" Jakey answers the door. "hello citizen here is your pizza in eight slices" "i... i don't know if i can trust you" Post Lady Layla opens the top of the box, revealing eight delicious triangles. "oh boy" Jakey grabs the box of pizza and gets out his wallet. "how much" "15$ plus tip" "plus what" "the tip citizen" "uh okay" Jakey gives Post Lady Layla 15 Alabama Fun Bux, and pulls down his pants. "uh no citizen" "then what do you even" Jakey holds his arms out in genuine confusion as his pants rest around his ankles. "a 'tip' is additional money i get for delivering your pizza" Jakey doubles over in laughter. "citizen i'm serious" "oh let me respond by continuing to laugh, only moreso" Jakey stays true to his word and continues to laugh. "citizen i-" "get a job you deadbeat" Jakey slams the door on Post Lady Layla's face. Post Lady Layla silently swears revenge on Jakey for the indignities she has suffered on this day. Jakey sets down his pizza on the table and grabs his knife and fork. Jakey ties a white cloth around his neck and sets a triangle on his plate. Michelle stands up from her position under Jakey's chair, knocking him to the ground. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/pizza t-shirt/white cloth]

Mission 076: I Don't Want to Battle from Beginning to End [Death]
"JAKEY WE NEED TO GET MY BAG BACK" "but it has been thrown out in the trash we will never find it" "I HAVE BEEN STUDYING TRASH ROUTES AND HAVE FOUND THAT THE TRASH TRUCKS ALWAYS STOP OFF AT THE TRASH STORE TO DUMP THEIR TRASH" "i always wondered what they sold at the trash store" "WELL NOW WE WILL FIND OUT" Death hops into the basket of Jakey's tricycle, and Jakey rides to Trashz Я Us, where Taylor stands behind the counter chewing the concept of a stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "I WOULD LIKE MY BAG BACK" "you're going to have to be more specific" "OPEN, FULL OF PEOPLE KIND OF WRIGGLING AROUND" "oh that's in the play area" Taylor points to a jungle gym where people are crawling out of Death's bag. "DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO COLLECT ALL THOSE PEOPLE" Death sprints to the play area while Jakey climbs around in the fun tubes. "ALL RIGHT GUYS YOU HAD YOUR FUN NOW GET IN THE BAG" "but we don't wanna" "HEY COOL THAT'S GREAT BUT IT WASN'T A REQUEST" "but-" "IN THE BAG, NOW" "aw mannnnnn" The group of people trudge into the bag solemnly. Jakey crawls through the fun tubes and slides down into the ball pit. "oh god oh god no" Jakey begins to sink as the balls engulf his entire form. "NO NO SOMEONE HELP HELP NO" Jakey is taken by the balls, sinking to the bottom where he finds Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/ball pit t-shirt]

Mission 077: I Don't Want to Cycle or Recycle Revenge [Death]
Jakey grabs his grappling hook and hooks onto the building. Jakey begins climbing the sheer building face, and swings in through the window into the play area of Trashz Я Us. "it's just you and me now, play area" Jakey climbs the cargo net onto the high dive and purposely falls into the ball pit. Jakey hits the balls with force, causing the balls to seep out the sides. The balls engulf Jakey as he sinks to the bottom. Jakey plants a stick of dynamite at the bottom of the ball pit, a single tear streaming down his face. The dynamite explodes, blowing the ball pit and Jakey to bits. Jakey reforms to his normal shape. "HA TAKE THAT YOU- oh shit" The ball pit reforms into a gigantic ball monster. "uh hi" The ball monster smashes into the floor, sending Jakey flying through it. "oh god oh god oh god" Jakey falls to the bottom of a cavern with a sickening "splet". The ball monster turns and faces the nation of Alabama and stomps forward to destroy all that exists. Michelle waves at Jakey from across the cavern. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/ball monster t-shirt]

Mission 078: I Don't Want to Follow Death and All of His Friends [Death]
"i've got to stop this monster before it destroys everyone i tolerate but secretly hate!!!" Jakey looks down the street at the ball monster. "then again, it is kind of far away" Jakey sits back down in his chair. "and besides my favourite television programme is on in just one-hundred-and-fifty minutes, and i have a toblerone sitting on this desk that i don't want to melt" Michelle rises from behind Jakey's chair. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/television t-shirt]

Mission 079: Living on a Razor's Edge [Professor Eif]
"jakey i have finally mastered the cloning process" "oh wow that-" Professor Eif zaps Jakey with his clone ray. "ow" Jakey splits into two. "uh why does clone me have such awful facial hair" "OH NO" Professor Eif examines his clone ray. "I ACCIDENTALLY HAD THE CLONE RAY SET TO 'EVIL'" "uh why is that even an option" Professor Eif shrugs. "BWAHAHAHAHAHA YOU WILL NOW BOW DOWN BEFORE MY- hey why am i naked" "this ray clones people, not clothes" "oh that sounds logical; excuse me" Evil Jakey slips into the dressing room and puts on a lab coat. "HAHA NOW YOU WILL FACE MY WRATH" "i'd... rather not" "oh sorry; is there a more convenient time for you" Jakey checks his day planner. "uh i'm free on tuesday" "today is tuesday" "well shit i guess i can face your wrath today then" "okay like i was saying; HAHA NOW YOU WILL FACE MY WRATH" "what wrath" "yeah you've only existed for five minutes" "uh... that... is uh unimportant" "i would say it's really important" Evil Jakey sweats. "BWAHAHA NOW YOU WILL FACE MY WRATH; I WILL HAVE REVENGE... ance FOR HAVING MY PREVIOUS WRATH FOILED" "okay carry on then" Evil Jakey and Jakey circle around the room before rushing at eachother. They both turn their heads away and lean back as they slap eachother, hands ablaze with white-hot fury. Jakey smirks and sweeps Evil Jakey at the knee. "I AM DEFEATED" "NOW I WILL DESTROY YOU SO THAT THE PEOPLE OF ALABAMA WILL NOT HAVE TO BEAR YOUR EVIL" "wait wait wait killing me will uh kill you too since i like am you and stuff" "is... is that true" Professor Eif shrugs. "further testing is required" "how long will that take" "a few days" "DAYS?! i can't babysit evil me all day; i have to watch my stories" "put him in this cage; it has never been escaped from before" "okay" Jakey throws Evil Jakey into the cage as Michelle escapes from the identical cage next to it. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/day planner appears at safehouses]

Mission 080: Balancing on a Ledge [Professor Eif]
"jakey, evil jakey has escaped" "BUT YOU SAID THAT CAGE HAD NEVER BEEN ESCAPED FROM BEFORE" "that was true, as it had never been used before" "... you've got me there" "LUCKILY i installed a tracking device on him so that we know where he is" "oh boy where is he" "he's... right in front of me" Jakey glances around the room. "uh" "dammit i put the tracking device on the wrong jakey" "an easy mistake to make; i probably would have done the same thing" Jakey hops onto his tricycle and pedals to the one place where evil clones are always found. "i'd like a triple chocolate chip cookie dough cone with hot fudge and rainbow sprinkles" "uh we're all out of rainbow sprinkles" "DAMN YOU" Evil Jakey pounds his fist on the counter. "uh we have chocolate sprinkles" "oh yes those will be fine" Chef Amiee :3 walks out to the back room to get the ice cream. "EVIL JAKEY I'M TAKING YOU IN" "OH NO" Evil Jakey stares intently as Chef Amiee :3 puts the ice cream on the cone. "YOUR REIGN OF TERROR IS FINALLY OVER" Jakey handcuffs Evil Jakey and shoves him into the basket of his tricycle. "DAMN YOU JAKEY" "jakey you forgot your ice cream!!!" Chef Amiee :3 hands Jakey a triple chocolate chip cookie dough cone with hot fudge and chocolate sprinkles. "good job getting rid of that stupid facial hair too" Chef Amiee :3 winks and heads back into the resturant as Jakey looks at the ice cream cone in disgust. "chocolate sprinkles?!" A single tear streams down Jakey's cheek. "you really are a monster" "they were out of-" "TELL IT TO THE JUDGE" Jakey chucks the ice cream cone onto the side walk and pedals back to the lab, where Michelle rolls up to Jakey, trapped in a test tube. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Chef Amiee :3 missions]

Mission 081: The Evil That Men do Lives on and On [Professor Eif]
"jakey, evil jakey has excaped again but the test results are back" "oh good" Jakey hops onto his tricycle and pedals to the two place where evil clones are always found. "ahhhh this is the life" Evil Jakey puts his hands behind his head as the spa lady puts cucumbers on his eyes. "OKAY YOU'RE COMING WITH ME" "what no wait no my spa vacation has been paid for the next three weeks!!!" "tell it to the judge" Jakey chucks Evil Jakey into the basket of his tricycle as Kathy sneaks over from the reception desk to take his spot. "nooooooooooooooooooooooooo" Jakey pedals back to Professor Eif's lab while Evil Jakey pouts. "okay eif what are the results" "inconclusive" "WHAT" Professor Eif shrugs. "fuck it" Jakey shoves his hand into Evil Jakey's chest and tears out his still-beating heart. "uh that was pretty edgy; are you sure you're not the evil one" Jakey shrugs and begins to fade from existence. "uh-oh" "OH HEY the new test results are in; apparently you WON'T fade from existence" Jakey stops fading. "oh that's a relief" Jakey walks over to his still-beating heart collection and adds Evil Jakey's to it. Jakey stares at his work with a feeling of pride as Michelle places another still-beating heart on the shelf. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/still-beating heart collection appears at safehouses/still-beating heart t-shirt]

Mission 082: See the Bedouin Fires at Night [Chef Amiee :3]
"jakey i am entering a beauty pageant and feel that despite my natural beauty i need a leg up" "hmm maybe i can help you with that one" Jakey grabs Chef Amiee :3's leg and pulls it up. "uh that is not what i meant but i appreciate the enthusiasm" "chef amiee :3 i am doing exactly what you said and i do not understand what else you could mean" "i want you to become a judge on the beauty pageant" "oh okay" Jakey hops onto his tricycle and pedals down to Beauty Pageantz Я Us, where Taylor sits behind the counter pre-chewing a stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "hello how can i help you" "i would like to become a judge of a beauty pageant" "oh good; our last judge, the prince of wales, cancelled on us" "oh boy" "wait i am receiving a fax" Taylor waddles over to the fax machine. "apparently that was a trick and he actually never cancelled" "oh damn" "wait i am receiving a second fax" Taylor rips a second sheet of paper from the fax machine. "apparently that was also a trick and he never actually registered as a judge" "well he couldn't have cancelled if he didn't register, so that's not really a-" "apparently he tricked you into thinking he was wrong about there being more tricks" "goddammit" "wait i am receiving another fax" Taylor pulls Michelle out of the fax machine. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/fax machine jacket]

Mission 083: See the Oil Fields at First Light [Chef Amiee :3]
"jakey i need a sponsorship if i am going to win this beauty pageant" "good thinking; all the top beauty pageant... guys have sponorships with products that the consumption of is actually detrimental to being able to win beauty pageants" "word up homie" Chef Amiee :3 hops into the basket of Jakey's tricycle, and Jakey pedals off to Crazy Svart's Used Lard. "hello would you be interested in sponsoring a beauty pageant contestant" "oh yes; i feel that i could sell a lot of my product to the washed-up overweight former beauty queens and middle-aged future or currently-registered sex offenders who are the main audience of beauty pageants" "i am glad that we agree and i do not have to resort to violence and/or sobbing on hands and knees" "i am glad that we agree and i do not have to be the victim of assault and/or see jakey sobbing on his hands and knees as i am not sure which is worse" Jakey nods at Crazy Svart, who nods at Chef Amiee :3, who nods at Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Crazy Svart missions]

Mission 084: And See the Bird with a Leaf in Her Mouth [Chef Amiee :3]
"jakey i am sick and cannot compete" "oh dear" "you will have to take my place" "but i'm not a-" "YOU will have to take my place jakey" "but-" "YOU WILL HAVE TO TAKE MY PLACE YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT" "..." "..." "okay" Jakey dials his cellphone. "hey man you want to be a beauty pageant judge" "arrrrrrrrgh all me life matey" "good" Jakey puts on a false moustache. "let's do this" Jakey hops into Chef Amiee :3's dress and moseys up to the stage. "HELLO AND WELCOME TO THE FIRST ANNUAL ALABAMA BEAUTY CONTEST; I'M YOUR HOST, STEVE" "AND I'M YOUR OTHER HOST, STEVE" "WE'VE GOT A GREAT LINE-UP OF JUDGES HERE TODAY BOB" "RIGHT YOU ARE BOB, LET'S MEET THOSE GUYS YOU MENTIONED" "FIRST IS SHERIFF ANTONY, THE... UH... SHERIFF" "SECOND IS JAKEY, SOME... GUY" "THIRD IS EVERYONE'S THIRD-FAVOURITE PROFESSOR, PROFESSOR EIF" "WAIT WHERE'S THE FOURTH JUDGE" "OH WE DID AWAY WITH HIM; IT DIDN'T WORK OUT SO WELL LAST YEAR" "OH RIGHT" "FIRST UP WE HAVE KATHY FROM ALABAMA" "SHE IS LOOKING VERY... BLONDE" "YES THAT IS CERTAINLY A QUALITY SHE POSESSES BOB" "KATHY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU BECAME MISS ALABAMA" "uh... i... hadn't gotten that far yet" "OH DEAR" "THIS DOES NOT BODE WELL FOR KATHY FOLKS" "OUR SECOND CONTESTANT IS GWENDOLYN, ALSO FROM ALABAMA" "WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED WE'D HAVE SO MANY ALABAMANS IN THE MISS ALABAMA PAGEANT BOB" "CERTAINLY NOT ME BOB" "GWENDOLYN, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU BECAME MISS ALABAMA" "i'd blot out the sun, leaving our world in perpetual darkness" "BETTER START WORKING ON YOUR TAN BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE BOB" "RIGHT YOU ARE BOB" "OUR THIRD CONTESTANT IS CHEF AMIEE :3 OF... ALABAMA" "THIS IS GETTING CREEPY BOB" "YOU SAID IT BOB" "CHEF AMIEE :3, WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF YOU BECAME MISS ALABAMA" "i'd be miss alabama" "CORRECT; WE HAVE A WINNER" "oh boy oh boy" "THE MOUSTACHE WAS MY FAVOURITE TOUCH BOB" "MINE TOO BOB" Michelle wanders up to the podium and throws down her flowers in a fit of rage. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/'Miss Alabama' sash/Canada Shiver-Timberers missions/Sheriff Antony missions/Professor Eif missions/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 085: I've Got My Back Against the Wrecking Machine [Crazy Svart]
"FRIENDS TODAY IS THE DAY I OPEN MY NEWEST STORE; CRAZY SVART'S USED BOUNCE CASTLES" "..." "..." "you mean bouncy houses, right?" "no he means moon jumps" "NO he means BOUNCE JUMPS" "NO HE MEANS MOON WALKS" "HE'S NOT MICHAEL JACKSON FOR FUCK'S SAKE HE OBVIOUSLY MEANS FLIPPY DIPPY HOP 'N' SKIPPY" "NO YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE HE MEANS BALLOON HUT" "NO IT'S A FUCKING STEPLADDER" "NO YOU CUNT IT'S A SKIPLOOM" The entire crowd erupts into a frenzy of fists and firearms. "i... didn't want this" A single tear streams down Crazy Svart's face as he walks dejected into an inflatable castle-shaped area meant for bouncing and/or jumping. Michelle tumbles out of a different inflatable castle-shaped area meant for bouncing and/or jumping. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/inflatable castle-shaped area meant for bouncing and/or jumping jacket]

Mission 086: I Ain't the Worst That You've Seen [Crazy Svart]
"jakey i am going to kill myself because of my repeated failures as a buisinessman" "that sounds reasonable" "jakey you're supposed to talk me out of it" "but this is the best idea you've had in a LONG time" "i suppose that's true but aren't i important to the alabamanian economy" "not really" "but don't i have friends + family who will be sad if i ki-" "LOOK ARE YOU GOING TO DO THIS OR AREN'T YOU" "s-sorry" Crazy Svart stands on the edge of the skyscraper. "you know maybe i should stick it out; what is happening now can't be worse than the endless black abyss that is death" "oh for fuck's sake" Jakey shoves Crazy Svart off the ledge, sending him crashing into the pavement below. "i'm okay" "... FUCKING GODDAMMIT" Jakey leaps off the edge of the building headfirst and crashes directly into Crazy Svart, sending him flying in all directions. Jakey reforms instantly, but Crazy Svart does not. "there we go" Jakey adjusts his tie and begins to walk off, when Michelle falls into his arms. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/tie/Jakey sweater]

Mission 087: Oh, Can't You See What I Mean? [Crazy Svart]
"jakey did you kill crazy svart" "no he killed himself" "that's funny, because this security footage clearly shows you shoving crazy svart off a ledge, then diving down to finish the job" "that's not me" "oh so it's just some other person who looks just like you and is wearing a sweater that says 'jakey'" "yes" "..." "..." "well uh can you help me revive crazy svart anyway" "sure why not" Kathy hops into the basket of Jakey's tricycle, and Jakey pedals down to Wayward Soulz Я Us, where Taylor sits behind the counter chewing a stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum that almost certainly creates a time paradox. "hello we are looking for a wayward soul" Taylor looks back at the rows and rows of cages. "could you be more specific" "we're looking for a 'crazy svart'" "oh yeah he just came in this morning" "great we'll take him" "okay; fifty bucks" "WHAT that is outrageous i am not paying the amount that you just mentioned" "oh well; i already have a buyer who is willing to pay that price" "oh good; he gets freed and we don't have to pay an alabama fun cent" "they have told me that they are going to use him for slave labour" "very forward-thinking" "JAKEY if they use him for slave labour he cannot pay me the money and i cannot lose this paycheck" "then you pay for him" "what no i need all my money it's mine" "sigh" Jakey hands Taylor fifty Alabama Fun Bux and receives Crazy Svart in a cage. "i'll also take that robert truckdriver clone you've got there" "oh he's free" Jakey grabs the second cage and leaves the store with Kathy. "Hello We Are Here To Pick Up Our Order" "oh sorry we just sold both souls you requested" "Oh Darn" "Just Give Us Any Soul You've Got" Taylor grabs Michelle's cage and places it in front of the Robert Truckdriver clones. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/cages appear at safehouses]

Mission 088: Justice for All [Canada Shiver-Timberers]
"arrrrgh cap'n we be suein' the 'alabama timber-shiverers' for infringin' on our copyrights matey" "how dare they" "arrrrrrrgh do ye know any good lawyers cap'n" "uh no" "arrrrrrrrgh i guess we be havin' to throw out the case then matey" "no wait i will be our lawyer" "arrrrrrrrgh can ye do that cap'n" "arrrrrrrrrrgh ye don't even be havin' a lawyer's badge cap'n" "uh sure i do" Jakey quickly fashions a lawyer's badge out of cardboard. "..." "..." "arrrrrrrrrrgh i be sorry i ever be doubtin' ye cap'n" Jakey hops onto his tricycle and pedals to the courthouse. "court is now in session for the trial of canada shiver-timberers v. alabama timber-shiverers; the prosecution give your opening statement" "p-prosecution?!" "oh yes because we haven't been getting the nielson ratings we've wanted, we've decided to make this a game; you win, you don't go to jail; you lose, you go to jail" "oh that sounds fair" "We Believe That The Two Names Are Completely Different And That The Defense's Claims Are Completely Unsubstantiated" "sounds good to me; i declare the defendant guilty" "wait wait objection i uh wait" "take him away boys" The baliffs drag Jakey to his new jail cell. Michelle drops down from her bunk above Jakey's. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/prison uniform]

Mission 089: Trials and Tribulations [Canada Shiver-Timberers]
"arrrrrrrrrgh psst cap'n we be here to be breakin' ye out cap'n" "really? now? but we were just about to make license plates" "arrrrrrgh oh that sounds like fun cap'n" Jakey's crew joins him as they walk to make license plates. "see i made one that says 'wow'" "arrrrrrrrrrgh wow cap'n" "arrrrrrrrrrrgh i be humbled by its beauty cap'n" "arrrrrrrrrrgh it be okay cap'n" "okay now let's break out" Jakey and his crew stroll through the front door. "goodbye jakey" "please come again" Michelle gets down on her knees with her hands behind her head, about to be handcuffed. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/license plates appear at safehouses/Jakey's tricycle spawns with 'wow' license plate]

Mission 090: Dual Destinies [Canada Shiver-Timberers]
"arrrrrrrrrrrgh cap'n we be thinkin' of perfect way to get back at the alabama timber-shiverers matey" "oh boy" Jakey and his crew ride their tricycles to the Alabama Timber-Shiverers headquarters and remove the doorknobs, then wait in the bushes. "Oh No" "What Is It Robert Truckdriver Sixteen" "Someone Removed The Doorknobs To Our Headquarters" "Oh No How Will We Get Inside Now" "Luckily Those Doorknobs Were Insured For Millions Of Alabama Fun Bux" "We Are Rich And Now Can Buy Replacement Doorknobs That Are Jewel Encrusted And Also Very Expensive" "You Said It Robert Truckdriver" Jakey stares in disbelief, slowly raising a gun to his head. "i just can't" Jakey pulls the trigger, causing his brain matter to explode onto Magentabeard, then fly back into his head. Michelle hurriedly buries a sack of doorknobs. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/doorknob jacket]

Mission 091: High Crime [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey we have A LOT of crimes to solve and not a lot of time to do it" "gee i wish those two amounts were reversed" "hmm that is a very valid criticism; i will get my secretary to do it" Sheriff Antony presses a button on his intercom. "kathy come here" Kathy enters the room. "kathy get us less crimes to solve and more time to solve them" "right away mistour uh" Kathy squints. "toblerone" "huh? my name isn't..." Sheriff Antony recoils in horror. "OH FUCK I ATE MY NAMEPLATE" Sheriff Antony hangs his head in his hands. "how could this have happened" "sometimes in my haste to eat a delicious toblerone i accidentally eat other trianglar objects" Jakey glances to the side. "i'm still not allowed in the natural history museum" "JAKEY THIS IS SERIOUS; WITHOUT MY NAMEPLATE I WILL NEVER BE CALLED BY MY CORRECT NAME" "don't sweat it toblerone, i've been trained for these situations" Jakey shoves his arm down Sheriff Antony's thoat and pulls out his house keys. "oh wow i've been looking for these" "jakey focus" "oh sorry" Jakey shoves his arm down Sheriff Antony's throat again and pulls out his nameplate. "oh thank you jakey; now to eat this delicious toblerone" Sheriff Antony eats his nameplate again. "the pain is worth it for that delicious taste" Michelle quickly grabs the Toblerone off Sheriff Antony's desk and puts it in her handbag. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Toblerone jacket]

Mission 092: Low Crime [Sheriff Antony]
"stop right there criminal scum" "Oh No It's Sheriff Toblerone" "Run" The East Side Robert Truckdrivers scatter. "stop them before they get help from the robert truckdrivers that are based in the other sides!!!" "Hey That's A Great Idea Sheriff Toblerone" "Thank You For The Idea Sheriff Toblerone" "FUCK" Sheriff Antony leaps at Robert Truckdriver 67, forcing him to the ground. "Aw Nuts" Robert Truckdriver 56 looks at the '29 Days Since One Of Us Got Arrested' sign and sighs. "We Would Have Gotten Our 'Not Getting Arrested' Bonus Tomorrow" A single tear streams down Robert Truckdriver 56's face. "I Guess There's Always Next Month" Jakey runs over and tackles Robert Truckdriver 56. "Oh Right; The Escape; I Had Completely Forgotten" "That Is Reasonable, As The Shock Of Losing Our 'Not Getting Arrested' Bonus Would Cause Great Sorrow In Any Robert Truckdriver Clone" "great job jakey i will take these two to jail; you should go arrest the middle side robert truckdrivers" "But There Is No Such Thing As A Middle Side" "quiet you" Sheriff Antony drags the East Side Robert Truckdrivers away as Michelle pokes them with a stick. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/East Side Robert Truckdrivers uniform]

Mission 093: Middle Crime [Sheriff Antony]
"our interrogation has yielded us nothing as to the location of the middle side robert truckdrivers" "what if they really don't exist" "..." "..." "wow i'd never thought of that" Sheriff Antony sits down behind his desk. "my whole life has been a lie" Sheriff Antony grabs a Toblerone and snaps it in half. "it hurts my hands but that's okay" A single tear streams down Sheriff Antony's face. "at least i can still feel something" Sheriff Antony goes to eat the Toblerone, but Michelle rises in front of him and intercepts the Toblerone mid-transit. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Toblerone appears at safehouses]

Mission 094: Nobody's Fault but Mine [Professor Eif]
"hey professor eif i-" Professor Eif hastily scrambles to hide his magazine. "was that the latest issue of butt problems weekly" "n-no" "yes it is i can see it right now in that trash can" Jakey grabs the copy of Butt Problems Weekly. "that's no way to treat a magazine" "okay it is butt problems weekly but i only have it for research" "your subscription doesn't run out until 2015" "i have to do a lot of research" "oh i subscribe because of my problem" Jakey looks to his left, embarassed. "my butt problem" "i do not want to hear more" "but what about your research" "i have to cite all my sources and i cannot cite some guy who claims to have a butt problem" "but i-" "YOU COULD BE LYING AND NOT HAVE A BUTT PROBLEM" "why would i lie about having a butt problem" "MAYBE YOU WANT TO JOIN ALABAMA'S MOST PRESTIGOUS ORGANISATION, GUYS WHO HAVE BUTT PROBLEMS INCORPORATED" "oh right" "maybe if you got your butt problem published in butt problems weekly, i'd be able to use you in my research" "oh boy then i wouldn't just be a guy with a butt problem; i'd be a FAMOUS guy with a butt problem" "you might even make the cover" "really?!" "yeah, you look like the perfect posterboy for people with butt problems" "that is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me" Michelle gasps, and tries incredibly hard to top Professor Eif's statement in niceness. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Butt Problems Weekly t-shirt/Butt Problems Weekly cover application appears at safehouses]

Mission 095: Stained Glass [Professor Eif]
"jakey my windows have been getting these weird streaks and i think it's related to the school's new streaking club; i need you to infiltrate this club and convince them to stop streaking my windows" "can do" Jakey runs off to the school reception desk. "KATHY I WANT TO JOIN THE STREAKING CLUB" "to become a member of our elite streaking club, you must prove your worth as a streaker" Kathy presses a button, and Jakey's clothes fly off. "AGH" "now just run around a bit" "no this is degrading + embarassing" "then why did you want to-" "i think i was grossly misinformed" "well uh wear this" Kathy hands Jakey one of the many fine outfits from Kathy Clothiers' "The Kathy Collection". "that will be 189$" "oh that sounds fair for clothes of such high fashion" Jakey hands Kathy the money and returns to Professor Eif. "somehow i don't think they were behind it" "well shit; we have a real mystery on our hands" "MYSTERY?!" A mysterious girl falls from the ceiling. "where is the mystery" "my windows are all streaky" "well that's because you don't take good care of them" "but i-" "mystery solved" "but-" "MYSTERY SOLVED" "but-" "look as much as you refuse to accept it, you are a horrible caretaker for these windows" Professor Eif recoils in horror and passes out from the shock. The mysterious woman leaves through a vent, tossing Michelle out of it. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Kathy outfit]

Mission 096: Stained Class [Professor Eif]
"so jakey you want to go get some food or-" "HAHA IT WAS ME ALL ALONG" "what was who all along" "I WAS THE ONE WHO STREAKED YOUR WINDOWS" "oh" "well damn" "IT WAS I, BECKY" "who" "uh you don't know me yet i am from the future and i swore revenge on you when you least expected it and i can safely say that before you even knew me was when you least expected it" "oh that sounds logical" "but um isn't it kind of a hollow victory" "how do you mean" "i mean we don't really know why you did it or really who you are so we can't really feel silly about ourselves can we" "hmm good point; maybe i'll do it again in the future of the future" "yeah try about ten sequels from now" "good idea" Becky warps off in her time machine. "so yeah i was thinking maybe some chinese" "that sounds good; i will get my favourite chinese food, a taco" "and i will get my favourite chinese food, a baguette" Michelle walks up with a bowl of spaghetti on her head. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/spaghetti t-shirt]

Mission 097: Burning the Ground [Gwendolyn]
"jakey there is a vampire hunter on the prowl and i do not wish to be hunted" "can't you just opt out of being hunted" "i tried but this guy is very unreasonable" "how does he remain in business with such such balant disregard for his clientelle" "i know right" Jakey hops onto his tricycle and pedals to the office of the local vampire hunter. "hey bro can you stop hunting vampires" "I Cannot, For That Is My Purpose In Life; The Only Thing That Keeps Me Going Since The Death Of My Dear, Sweet Margaret" A single tear streams down Robert Truckdriver 79's face. "oh was she killed by vampires" "No She Was Killed By Werewolves But I Am Scared Of Those" "hmm would you stop hunting vampires if i gave you this shiny nickel" "That Is Pocket Lint" "would you stop hunting vampires if i gave you this pocket lint" "Okay" Jakey hands Robert Truckdriver 79 the pocket lint, and Robert Truckdriver 79 hands Jakey his vampire-hunting gun. Jakey fires a round at the window, causing Michelle to launch out the window, hit a truck full of matresses, and bounce back into the window. The judges all hold up "10"s, except for the Chicagoian judge, who holds up an "8". Michelle misses the gold by half a point. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/vampire-hunting gun]

Mission 098: I Break from the Crowd [Gwendolyn]
"jakey there is a vampire punter on the prowl and i do not wish to be punted" "but without vampires to punt, we will not be able to play vampireball" "but i do not want to be punted" "it is a coming of age thing for every vampire" "sigh" Gwenolyn trudges into the basket of Jakey's tricycle, and Jakey pedals to Alabama Dome. "oh thank god it's time to punt" Harvey leads Gwendolyn to the weighing station to make sure she is regulation size. Michelle gets booted out of the weighing room. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/vampireball sweater/Harvey Kinkle missions]

Mission 099: I'm on the Hunt, I'm After You [Gwendolyn]
"jakey there is a vampire cunter on the prowl and i do not wish to be cunted" "what does that even mean" "this man has sex with vampires regardless of whether or not they want that to be a thing that happens" "sounds fun" "not really, as it loses the thrill of making someone want to have sex with you" "oh true" "please show him the error of his ways, for his own sake" Jakey hops on his tricycle and rides to the vampire cunter's office. "hey deputy orange could you please stop cunting vampires" "despite my professional title, i have yet to cunt an actual vampire" "what" "i have mostly been practicing on training dummies" Deputy Orange motions to a slightly yellowed training dummy. "i still haven't gotten the hang of it" "so you... haven't cunted any vampires?" "i have been keeping a detailed chart of all the women i have had sex with" Deputy Orange holds up a blank sheet of paper. "fair enough" Michelle crawls out from under Deputy Orange's desk, buttoning up her shirt. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Deputy Orange missions]