Teh Forum RPG [Reboot] IV: A Choose-Your-Own Adventure

CHAPTOUR THIRTY-FOUR:
Jack White sighs. "you guys are like colour blind or some shit" "WELL WE'LL SEE HOW YOU LIKE THIS" The three fairies shoot their wands at Jack White at the same time, turning his clothes bright black, with dual red fanny packs and zippers. Zippers on his shirt, his shoes, his pants, everything. "WHY DO THESE PANTS NOT COVER MY CROTCH" "NO REFUNDS OR EXCHANGES" They kick him out, with a drive orb and a keyblade. "oh hey why did my clothes turn red and where is goofy" "you absorbed him" "oh good" "hey so like shove off in the gummi ship" "the jackblackisafaggot!!!" "no it's just a gummi ship" "fuck" They shove off in the JackBlackIsAFaggot Mk. II and head for Hollow Bastion.
"oh so like there are heartless and nobodies and shit so like um" "we're on it!!!" "hey come meet me in the bailey" "okay squall" "MY NAME IS LEON" "hey it's me merlin" "who" "oh most people only talked to me once" "great" "hey have you been practicing your magic" "m-ma... gic?" "oh dear take this" Merlin gives Jack White the blizzard spell. "oh shit we're supposed to be at the bailey i'm coming squall!!!" "MY NAME IS LEON YOU FUCKING FUCKFACE FUCKHEAD I FUCKING HATE YOU MOTHERFUCKING FUCKER I WILL FUCKING KILL YOU" "oh hey it's us, organisation xiii" "oh hello" "hey dan auerbach what's up" "WHO THE FUCK IS DAN AUERBACH" "butthurt" "old" "well bye and stuff" "fuck let's go to the next world because the keyblade is glowing and shit" They do.
"hey mulan you've got this shit let's go fight shan yu and shit" "hey are you being attacked and shit bro" "nah this is just mushu" "MUSHU WE MISSED YOU BRO" "... what who is mushu goofy how do you know mushu" "he was a summon!!!" "..." "..." "..." "you mean those things we never used" "oh right" "so like i need to join the army and stuff" "oh sounds good we will join you" "but your pants don't even have a crotch" "i'm on a quest... for felt" "gee" "OH HEY THIS GUY ISN'T A GUY AFTER ALL PMSL" "what you're a girl how did i not realise you like exactly like a girl shut the fuck up goofy" They head to camp and get in line for food. "I SURE DO LOVE FOOD" Some guy shoves Jack White. "FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE CUT ME IN LINE FOR FOOD WILL YOU WELL THESE PANTS AREN'T CROTCHLESS FOR NOTHING" "NO U" "NO ME"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

gets to the front of the line and then sells goofy into slavery to buy food for him

CHAPTOUR THIRTY-FIVE:
Jack White tries to rush to the front of the line, when the guy punches Jack White in the face. "OKAY THAT'S IT" Jack White grabs the guy by the hair, while Donald engages in MORTAL KOMBAT with another guy. Goofy and Mulan Ping watch. "SOLDIERS GET BACK IN LINE" They do, and the captain walks past, pretentiously. Heartless appear. "fuck come on mulan ping" Mulan Ping falls down on her his sword a lot. "gee" They eventually deplete the gauge. "so um yeah bros good job who are you btw ROFL" "jack white LMFAO" "donald duck PMSL" "goofy LOL" "fa mulan pi-" "I DON'T CARE YOU ARE A SHITTY SOLDIER LEAVE" "hey bro if mulan ping proves herself himself can she he join" "i guess so" "great" "great" They do some missions. "you aren't as shitty as i thought still pretty shitty though" "hey next mission all or nothing" "gee okay" They do the next mission, everyone praises Mulan Ping. "hey shan yu went into that cave" "who" "just this guy" "anyway like we should tell sir captain" "NO U" "NO ME"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

jack white avoids the hornets by jumping down into sir cave while mulan ping lets sir captain know by arranging his alphabetti spaghetti in a way that spells out "shan yu and jack white went into some cave also the game"

CHAPTOUR THIRTY-SIX:
"BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES" Jack White jumps into the cave to avoid the bees. Mulan Ping whips out thirty cans of alphabetti spaghetti and attempts to arrange a message saying "oh hey bro jack white went into some cave where shan yu is also the game", but runs out of Ws. "fuck" Mulan Ping, Donald and Goofy rush into the cave, but Donald and Goofy are blocked out by a barrier, forcing Jack White and Mulan Ping to fight waves of heartless by their selves. Also Shan Yu stands behind Donald and Goofy, cackling, but Donald and Goofy do nothing. Then they go outside and the village is burned down and the captain is dead. "i'm not dead" "fuck" They rush up the mountain, and Mulan Ping grabs a giant firework and and shoots a fucking mountain, Mushu latching on. "THIS WASN'T IN MY CONTRACT" The captain walks up the mountain, and Mulan Ping shoves him out of the way. "hey mulan let's go girl this isn't worth it" "mushu you cunt" "mulan?! a woman?! fuck my life" "hey guys you're okay that's um good" "you knew didn't you well you should die for treason but i'll let you off for reasons i will keep to myself" "fuck" "WELL LET'S GO" The captain and his soldiers leave. "so er ping mulan what are we going to do now no light has radiated from sir keyblade" "oh i guess we go home i'll make bacon and eggs and bacon" "great" "great" "great" "great"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

heads home with mulan to create a nutritious meal consisting of salt salt pepper salt salt pepper salt salt pepper salt salt pepper bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon tomato tomato-o-o-o tomato solo-o-o-o-o cheddar cheese cheddar cheeeeeeee-e-e-ese toast toast toast toast toast toast toast toast toast toast toast toast toast toast toast butter butter butter toast toast toast toast toast toast strawberry jaaaaaaaam coffee coffee sugar free low fat creeeeeeeeeeeeeam bacon bacon bacon bacon bacon and eggs eggs eggs and bacon pepper salt salt pepper salt salt pepper salt salt assuming they have all those things if not he just grabs a bowl of frosted flakes, before watching a two and a half men marathon for days on end while waiting for light to radiate from sir keyblade

CHAPTOUR THIRTY-SEVEN:
"hey let's go to mulan's house for a nice breakfast of salt salt pepper salt salt pepper baco-" Shan Yu rises from underneath the avalanche. "fuck" "WE HAVE TO WARN SHANG" "who" "just this guy" They rush to the palace. "SHANG SHAN YU IS TOTALLY ALIVE AND STUFF" "why should i believe you this time" "because he's right on that pagoda" "fuck" Several of the soldiers turn into heartless. "fuck" The party mops them up then heads for the actual palace. "hey bro your reign is over and stuff" "stop" "WHAT" Shang punches Shan Yu, grabs sir emperor and rushes into the palace. Jack White smacks Shan Yu a few times, killing him. "FA MULAN YOU'RE TOTALLY NOT THAT COOL" "wha-" "BUT YOU SAVED US ALL BRO" Sir emperor bows for Mulan and gives her Shan Yu's decidedly evil-looking sword. "well hooray" "NOW THEY'VE GOTTA LET ME GO BACK TO BEING A GUARDIAN THEY'VE GOTTA" "well since i wasn't written to know anything of that due to jakey not being able to write i will not get angry" Shan Yu's sword begins glowing and shit, so Jack White locks the fuck out of it. The three then get into the JackBlackIsAFaggot Mk. II and blast off.
"hey nice castle" "roar" "wow the beast i would totally have him as a party member" They casually stroll into the parlour. "hey what a nice rose" Heartless ambush the three, and the beast comes in, fucking shit up. "wow tha-" The beast smacks the party clear across the room, grabs his rose and heads back to his room. "OKAY THIS SHIT WON'T STAND IN MY HOUSE BRO"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

disarms nega-phillip and begins to attack him with his own sword, before stopping to re-evaluate his life choices

CHAPTOUR THIRTY-EIGHT:
Jack White tromps upstairs and Donald breaks down a fucking door. "DONALD" Belle grabs Donald and hugs the shit out of him. "jack white!!! goofy!!! i'm so glad you're here!!!" "do we uh know you" "PUT ME DOWN PUT ME DOWN" "oh shit" Belle put Donald down. "well um the beast like totally hit us and stuff" "oh he's just like that you can't really blame him" "where's gaston when you need him" "who" "no one gets left out like gaston gets bad directions like gaston is missed by me like gaston" "oh what a guy" "OBTW the servants have been locked in sir dungeon" "oh is that all" They head to the dungeon, where Nega-Phyllyp jumps out of the door. "dude what" Jack White leaps and disarms Nega-Phyllyp, attacking him with his keyblade. "i should have taken engineering in college" Nega-Phyllyp dies. "yay hooray" The enter the dungeon to find furniture. "THAT CUNT" "who" "... IS THAT FURNITURE TALKING" "guys thanks for" "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA" Jack White, Donald and Goofy run to the beast's room, where he attacks them. "THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

remove the-beast's organs and feed them to his children because he "thought it would be funny"

CHAPTOUR THIRTY-NINE:
Jack White pulls out his scalpel, making several incisions in the beast's chest and removes his spleen. "oh wait i'm better now" "fuck" Jack White quickly patches the beast back up. "so like this guy in a black hood totally tried to control me and stuff" "OH THAT MUST BE WHY YOU LOCKED YOUR FURNITURE IN THAT THERE DUNGEON" "what" "YOU DIDN'T WANT TO HAVE TO PAY THE REPAIR FEES" "oh wow" The beast, Jack White, Donald and Goofy head for Belle's room. "HELP BRO I'M TOTALLY IN THE BALLROOM" "fuck" They head to the ballroom. "I'M ALL RIGHT" Belle locks herself out of the castle. "so um" A giant darkness ball descends from the ceiling. Jack White smacks it and it turns into some huge fucking dark Ifrit. "HOW IS THIS FAIR THIS IS THE FOURTH WORLD" Jack White jumps on the fucking chandelier and smacks the thing about with it. "gee" "OH THANKS" The rose starts glowing and Jack White seals that shit.
"hey something's pulling us to hollow bastion" "fuck" "HEY I FOUND WINNIE THE POOH'S BOOK AGAIN" "oh fuck" "hey wanna check on him" "okay" Jack White leaps into the book. "hey pooh what's up" "oh you know just practicing my licks" "sounds good" "wanna join jack white" "ALL RIGHT" Pooh jumps off his log, freezing in place before he touches the ground. "neat trick" Jack White gets expelled from the book. "fuck" "hey the heartless are here" They kill them, and a few steal the book but are quickly dispatched. "hey you should enter the book again bro" "great idea" Jack White jumps back in. "hey pooh what's up" "oh you know just practicing my licks" "sounds good" "well i need to practice so maybe we can continue this later, somebody-i-don't-know" "... what" Jack White leaves the book in disgust. "hey so like you need to collect the pages" "okay" Jack White steps outside and THERE THEY ARE Jack White hops back into the book and goes to Piglet's house. "wow nice place" Jack White gets hit in the head by a giant fucking acorn. "WHAT THE FUCK" "hey you should leave bro it's windsday" "oh wow" Piglet flies by and lands on a high tree branch. "JACK WHITE HELP ME PLEASE"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

surrounds the tree with lava and razor wire, trapping piglet for an eternity

CHAPTOUR FORTY:
Jack White places a bunch of barbed wire beneat Piglet, effectively removing his ability to land. "all right!!!" A gust of wind sweeps up Piglet. "fuck" "hey somebody-i-don't-know we should totally rescue somebody-i-don't-know" "you don't remember me!!! you are a cunt!!!" "i agree with piglet you are a cunt" Jack White grabs onto a balloon and smacks acorns and rocks and shit. "aw yeah" Jack White chases Piglet into a tree. "just down bro i'll catch you" Jack White snickers. "okay i'll try" Piglet leaps and misses Jack White completely. "well that was easy" Piglet lands in Pooh's arms. "wow that was exciting piglet" "wow you remember me now!!!" "sure why not" "yaaaaay"
They then head to Rabbit's house, where Pooh brutally smashes Eeyore's house. "FUCK YOU YOU FUC-i mean oh well probably would have gotten smashed anyway" "hello, somebody-i-don't-know" "WHAT WHY DO-i mean i'm not very memorable anyway" "hey make he's just hungry" "..." "..." "that's the stupidest thing i've heard all day that means it has to work!!!" "i know where honey is follow me" They follow Eeyore through the deserts, the mountains and the rainforests to get to the other side of Rabbit's house, where Pooh sees jars. Pooh rushes over to the jars and eats their sweet nectar with reckless abandon. "WHAT WHY DID YOU EAT ALL MY HONEY" "we 'thought it would be funny'" "hello somebody-i-don't-know thanks for the food" "WHAT" "yeah he's sort of a cunt isn't he" "oh well i have emergency stores and shit let's fill this fucker up"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

apologise for the awful rhyme and continue his journey to ECRUTEAK CITY

CHAPTOUR FORTY-ONE:
"okay where are they" "in ecruteak city" "fuck my life" Jack White hops onto a honey pot, with Pooh on his back. They sled about, dodging rocks and giant snowballs until becoming engulfed in snow and thrown into a hollow log. They finally cross the finish line, and Pooh eats all the honey. "thanks for the help, somebody-i-don't-know" "you're welcome my dear cunt" "i can't believe this!!! maybe he needs loads more honey" "oh that would be nice rabbit" "okay le-... oh he's fine ROFL" "but he doesn't remember me!!!" "who cares"
They head to Kanga's house. "hey we made him some medicine" "oh sweet" Tigger steals the medicine. "THANKS BRO" "TIGGER YOU CUNT GET BACK HERE" Tigger bounces around a bit. "hey um that's medicine to make pooh remember us and shit" "hey why not just bounce let's bounce guys bouncing great idea" "couldn't hurt" They ignore the medicine forever and bounce. "that was super-fun somebody-i-don't-know" Tigger is dismayed. "i will never bounce again!!!" "but tigger isn't bouncing what tiggers do best" "OH YEAH" Tigger bounces off and everyone goes home. Jack White heads to a cave for whatever reason. "hey pooh went inside we should rescue him but there might be jagulars!!!"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

summon a bunch of ethnic brits and loot the cave before burning it down for no apparent reason

CHAPTOUR FORTY-TWO:
Jack White tries to summon some ethnic Brits, but fails horrifically. "THIS IS A PEACEFUL BOOK" "old" Jack White, Tigger, Roo, Eeyore, Rabbit and Piglet head through the cave, dealing with bees, ice, falling rocks and Jack White's insatiable appetite for treasure. "I LOVE CHESTS" "fuck" Eventually, they find Pooh sitting on a rock. "hey what's up cunt" "i'm trying to remember someone important and shit" "oh wow" "hey isn't jack white that guy" "unlikely, this guy wore red shorts" "FUCK YOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU" "growl!!!" "OH GOD A MONSTER" "it's your stomach you retarded bear come on let's get you more food before you eat us" "thanks jack white" "oh NOW you remember fuck you cunt" They go home.
"well now i ca- ANOTHER LOCATION FUCK" Jack White heads to the top of the hill, finding Pooh with his head stuck in a honey pot. "save me jack white i can't breathe!!!"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

jack falls down and breaks his crown and pooh comes tumbling after also the game

CHAPTOUR FORTY-THREE:
"OKAY I GOT THIS" Jack White rams into Pooh, sending him down, breaking his crown. Jack White comes tumbling after. "hey bro stay for good or i detonate the bomb" "but i have to go i will always be right HERE " Jack White points at Pooh's heart. "... that was pretty gay" "i don't write my own lines" Jack White walks off aimlessly and exits the book. "hey let's get going!!!" "OKAY" They head for the Colosseum.
"why is it so dark and shit" "oh we landed in the basement" "fuck" Some dogs attack some chick. "go away just go come on go" "hey it's me megara call me meg" "meg white?!" "no" "fuck my life" "anyway yeah i want hades to give hercules a break so i ventured into hell itself" "wow sounds lame" "i know right" "can you do it for me and shit" "but my speech skill is only 45" "oh good luck then" Megara runs off. "fuck"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

vk n'thm averran n'thm atah

CHAPTOUR FORTY-FOUR:
"ALL RIGHT LET'S GO" They head through the cave, finding some guy running away. "RUN RUN AWAAAAAAAAAAAAAY" "okay" They head to Hades' chamber. "so like i want to revive the baddest guy since orange so i will revive... auron!!!" "hello" "hello" Auron looks around while Pete cowers in the corner. "so like i'll grant you your freedom and stuff if you like totally fight hercules in the colosseum to the death so what do you say bro" "this is my story and you're not part of it" "WHAT DO YOU REALISE WHO YOU ARE TALKING TO I AM THE LORD OF THE DEAD" Auron smirks. "no wonder no one wants to die" "THAT DOES IT YOU ARE FIRED" Jack White, Donald and Goofy walk in. "oh i get it 'fired', fire, you are a genius" "NO U" "NO ME" "hey we should fight and stuff" "OKAY" Jack White, Donald, Goofy and Auron fight. "oh hey we can't damage him in his underworld ROFL" "LMFAO" They run off and shut the door behind them. Hades teleports beside Jack White. "leaving so soon" "FUCK"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

prepare for eternal battle with the unearthly behemoth with a superb training montage and then wonder why he suddenly dropped dead

CHAPTOUR FORTY-FIVE:
Jack White gets out his boombox and puts on "Eye of the Tiger", ready for a training montage. "ARE YOU CRAZY THE CAVE WILL COLLAPSE" "I CAN'T TRAINING MONTAGE WITHOUT EYE OF THE TIGER!!!" Jack White turns off his boombox, a single tear streaming down his face. "so yeah let's run away like pussies" "good idea" They run. "HEY YOU'RE REALLY GOOD ARE YOU SOME KIND OF HERO" "no i'm just a um er auron" "what" "my name" "oh wow i'm jack white!!!" "old" "fuck" They run back through the caverns and find that three-headed dog again. "FUCK" Donald and Goofy get locked out. "FUCK" The dog prepares a decisive lunge at Jack White.
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

hold a benefit gig alerting the world to the plight of three-headed dogs and raise money to support them in life

sacrifice himself to release donald and goofy and hope they can do a better job than he.

a memorial service is held at a local chapel in his honor.

it was such a sad time.