Teh Forum RPG [Reboot] IV: A Choose-Your-Own Adventure

discover the path to narnia whilst inside the cave of wonderment and kill the ice queen while appropriately alluding to christian themes

CHAPTOUR FIFTY-NINE:
"hey guys i found a way out" "oh boy" "through this wardrobe" "WE DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHTS TO NARNIA, JACK WHITE" "wha-" Donald, Goofy and Aladdin drag Jack White out of the Cavern of Wonderment, kicking and screaming. They get back to the city and find that the peddler is gone. "shit" They go to the palace, dejected. "give me that lamp sir" "no" "give it!!!" "no!!!" Pete chases the peddler around, but both run into a wall. Iago steals the lamp and runs into a different wall. "fuck" Pete picks up the lamp. "OH YEAH PETE WINS" "I'M HOME" Genie pops out of the sky in a rain of baklava. "AL I HAVE MISSED YOU" Genie hugs the shit out of Pete, causing him to drop the lamp. "AL YOU ARE A COOL GUY TEACH ME TO BE AS COOL AS YOU" "NO U" "NO ME" Pete summons some heartless and runs off. "aw yeah" Jack White defeats them swiftly. "WELL LET'S GO" They go.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS" "um this is halloween town right" "sure" "great" "let's go see sandy claws!!!" "um who" "just this guy" "I THINK HE MEANS SANTA CLAUSE" "what that is stupid"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

defies gravity, then defies the defecation of gravity

CHAPTOUR SIXTY:
"hey i have an idea" Jack White defies gravity and floats through Halloween Town to Christmas Town, then defies his previous defycation of gravity to not-fall into space. Donald, Goofy and Jack Skellington take the long way around. "HEY IT'S ME SANTA" "hello" "oh jack white you said you don't believe in santa to try and be cool so i'm not giving you any presents to try and be cool" "FUCK" "what about us!!!" "donald and goofy are totally on my nice list" "if i kill goofy i will inherit his spot on the nice list!!!" Jack White strangles Goofy to death. "i never should have written that rule" Something crashes and shit. "oh shit check that out will you" "okay" "HEY IT'S US LOCK SHOCK AND BARREL" More spankings are administered and the three run off. "rats" Jack White follows the footprints of a bathtub to a graveyard. "HEY MALEFICENT JUST REVIVED DAVID BOOGIE AND HE'S HEADED TO CHRISTMAS TOWN" "oh okay"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

it is hopeless, if maleficent has turned david boogie to the dark side and he's headed for christmas town soon everyone there will be doing evil stuff just to be like david boogie because his grooves are so immaculate and he is such a great guy and role model and great looking

jack white will have to head to ASDA and enlist the help of the one man who shreds an electric guitar hard enough to have a chance of defeating david boogie: sam totman

CHAPTOUR SIXTY-ONE:
"well there's only one thing to do!!!" Jack Skellington gets into the FOETAL POSITION and activates his KUNG-FU THUMB-SUCKING ACTION. "i have a better idea!!!" Jack White rushes to ASDA and grabs Sam Totman. "hello" "hello" Jack White runs and chucks Sam Totman into David Boogie, allowing Santa to escape. "nobody disrespects me!!! nobody!!!" "oh" David Boogie gets into a lift and activates the conveyor belts. "oh" Jack White jumps and attacks. "see i did it so well i am the best ever" David Boogie's flesh tears open, his guts spilling onto the floor. Donald stomps on David Boogie's intestines. "yay hooray" "also hooray" "leave i have to prepare for christ" "stop being such a cunt santa" "NO U" "NO ME" They leave.
"hey i am a lion" Hyenas come up. "hey can i eat you and stuff" "NO U" "NO ME" "FUCK" "hey scar wants us" "fuck" The hyena wander off aimlessly. "..." "..." "..." "HEY IT'S ME NALA I AM A LIONESS AND AM ABOUT TO GET RAPED BY UM THESE" "okay"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

pulls out dilbert's PEZ dispenser and uses it to revive david boogie on the light side, before grabbing david boogie and using him to destroy the hyenas and save nala why not

CHAPTOUR SIXTY-TWO:
"hey these aren't hyenas" "no they are heartless!!!" "oh lame" Jack White defeats them. "hey you could be our new king and shit let's go" "HEY IT'S ME RAFIKI YOU WOULD BE A SHIT KING" "fuck" "we need simba!!! shame he is dead" "wait no he isn't" "WHAT" "follow me!!!" They find SImba. "hey it's me simba" "simba hello" "hey it's me nala" "fuck off nala" "okay" "NOW I SHALL DEFEAT SCAR AND SHIT" "great" "great" "great" They head BACK to Pride Rock, where Scar pounces on Simba. "hey bro i killed mufassa and shit" "FUCK" Simba pounces on Scar while Jack White gets popcorn. "oh hey it's me pete btw scar is a heartless now" "TO ACTION" Jack White leaps into action and kills Scar and shit. "WELL TIME FOR US TO GO" "but we didn't even make any jokes!!!" "it would be easier if you weren't voiced by cam clarke, making my only joke you saying 'BROTHER' a lot" "fuck" They leave.
"hey we're back in twilight town and shit" "hey take this trophy" "okay" "HEY JACK WHITE DO YOU KNOW A GIRL NAMED MEG WHITE" "i know of her" "well she really wanted to be important to the plot again so she got herself kidnapped" "woah is it tuesday already also i just remembered i still have her good luck charm wow i am absent-minded" "hey look hollow bastion is all darkness-infested" "FUCK"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

travels to the island of gryffedwhgfljwk to slay the demon of totally-not-cool before toasting his fallen comrades over a tankard of fruit juice

CHAPTOUR SIXTY-THREE:
"okay what's up squall" "MY NAME IS LEON" "we've been through this look at all this final fantasy viii promotional materia" "MY EYES" "cloud shut up it was a perfectly fine pun" "but materia isn't even in ffviii!!!" "that'sthejoke.jpg" "ANYWAY we found thom yorke's computer" "oh" "however we cannot access any of his porn" "HAVE NO FEAR I AM AN EXPERT IN PORN RETRIEVAL" "hooray" "oh btw if you see sephiroth give him this note" Jack White walks out of seeing distance and reads the note. "ur a faget" They head to the castle. "hello what is squall up to" "oh hello tiny versions of the gullwings, the main characters from final fantasy x-2" "hello" "anyway squall is like trying to get his cram on but can't" "oh sweet" "LET'S REPORT" "to who!!!" "WHY MALEFI-" Paine covers Rikku's mouth. "HAHA NEVERMIND" "so sorry!!!" Yuna, Rikku and Paine teleport away. "I AM TOO DUMB TO REALISE THAT 'MALEFI-' LIKELY MEANS MALEFICENT" "hello i am aerith" "GO AWAY AERITH YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD" "but i'm no-" "I LIKED YOU BETTER DEAD" They enter the castle proper. "hey nice portrait of the guy we know as thom yorke i hope no exposition happens later to change this knowledge" "hello i am tifa" "hello" Tifa punches a wall. "oh hey have you guys seen someone with... spiky hair" "you're going to have to be more specific" "i will not tell you their name as that would be helpful to both of us" "HEY IT'S ME LEON" "your name is squall!!!" "NO U" "NO ME" Squall reveals a secret passage, where they find Thom Yorke's computer. Jack White mashes keys. "HEY BRO STOP IT" Stitch falls on the keyboard and Donald leaps up to catch him. Donald readies his Pokeorb. "STOP OR I WILL BRING YOU INTO MY WORLD" Donald attempts to get off. "THAT'S IT" The three are digitised and brought into the computer world.
"hello" "hello" "my name is TRON" "hello tron" "hello" "well the mcp guy will like totally have you de-resed" "oh lame" "we need to reactivate this terminal and shit but we're stuck in this cell and shit" "oh lame"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

puts on david boogie's debut album and pretends not to enjoy it, so the guard will pass out in shock and jack white can casually pick the lock with his PEZ dispenser and escape

puts on david boogie's debut album and pretends not to enjoy it, so the guard will pass out in shock and jack white can casually pick the lock with his PEZ dispenser but choose not to escape as that would be rude

CHAPTOUR SIXTY-FOUR:
"donald pass me david boogie's debut" "um i left it on the counter" "fuck" "guess you'll have to WING IT" "okay" Jack White grabs his plunger and suctions the lock with all his might, unlocking the door. "how did you do that!!!" "suction" "wow" "hey here we are!!!" Jack White pushes some blocks. "YAY POWER IS RESTORED" "what" "let's go!!!" They head back to prison. "so like when you get back you should totally tell me the password to sir dataspace, entitled 'dtd'" "okay" They head back to the real world. "HEY IT'S ME MICKEY MOUSE" "fuck off mickey" "hey i just got done talking to thom yorke the wise" "but we totally killed him" "NO U" "NO ME" "anyway the password is a bunch of random names" "okay" They head back in. "HEY TRON THE PASSWORD IS A BUNCH OF RANDOM NAMES" "okay" Tron enters a bunch of random names in and gets back his functions and shit. "hey the mcp is uploading a hostile programme" "sounds good" They head and kill it. "that was easy" "now leave and never come back" "way ahead of"
"HEY WE GOT A PICTURE OF THIS GUY" "who the fuck" "hey that's thom yorke the wise!!!" "0/10" "not even trolling" "but THIS is thom yorke here" "no that's his apprentice whose name i conveniently forgot" "fuck" "oh hey the city's under attack" "fuck"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

takes pictures of the city being attacked on his NOKIA SIX MEGAPIXEL CAMERAPHONE and upload them to his tumblr

heads to plungermart for some looting

CHAPTOUR SIXTY-FIVE:
"OKAY DOWN TO BUSINESS" Jack White takes pictures of the city BURNING on his non-digital non-phone camera and uploads them to his tumblr. "okay now i have an alibi" Jack White then casually strolls to Plungermart for some looting, when Brian May appears! "sup bro" "fuck off man" "dan auerbach stop come back to us bro" "NO U" "NO ME" "okay man that's it" Jack White whips out his plunger and Brian May takes out his sitar and turns corn into ethanol, creating water forms. "THIS BATTLE HAS TIMED SEGMENTS FOR NO REASON" "FUCK" "DANCE WATER DANCE" Jack White attempts to kill ten forms in ten seconds, failing a few times. "WHY IS THIS TIMED" "why not" "hey i have an idea" Jack White sticks his plunger on Brian May's head, making him look really silly. "noooooooooooo" Brian May melts, leaving only the plunger behind. "sweet" "HEY IT'S ME MICKEY" "um" "YOU HAVE TO GO LOOK FOR MEG WHITE AND JACK BLACK" "NO U" "NO ME" Jack White gasps in horror. "don't worry sir mickey we will take him" They jump off a cliff. "STOP BEING CUNTS" A boulder hurtles through the air and hits Goofy, killing him instantly. "well shit" Jack White loots Goofy's corpse. "well let's go" "um aren't you sad at all" "i always replace him with the temporary party member i'll hardly notice a difference" "but what about his lucky lucky gear" "SHIT HOW WILL I OBTAIN ITEMS AND GET THE ULTIMA WEAPON NOW" A horde of a thousand-plus heartless approaches the city. Squall and Cloud stand back to back, ready for anything. "think you can handle this many" "well it might be tough if one more shows up" "that will be the one i take care of!!!" "oh squall you so crazy" "MY NAME IS LEON IT IS LEON HOW CAN YOU NOT KNOW IT IS LEON WE HAVE BEEN OVER THIS" Squall runs off, crying, and Cloud kills some heartless. "hey it's me sephiroth" "fuck off sephiroth" "okay" Sephiroth fucks off. "shit" Cloud runs off, crying. "CLOUD WAIT" Tifa gets surrounded by heartless. "fuck my life"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

looks the leader of the heartless straight in the eye and says "I can't believe you let Brian die, man", causing him to run off crying with the others

then grabs his net gun and fires it at the fleeing bros

CHAPTOUR SIXTY-SIX:
Jack White fights his way to a cave with the help of random Final Fantasy characters. "HEY IT'S ME GOOFY" "goofy fuck off no one likes you" "NO U" "NO ME" Jack White storms off into the horde. "shit" "HEY IT'S ME THE LEADER OF THE ORGANSATION" "NO U" "NO ME" "oh by the way that's not-thom yorke it's matt bellamy's nobody" "how long has it been since i abandonned that name for not being very cool" Mickey, Donald and Goofy go berserk and attack him. Jack White stays behind and walks up to the leader of the heartless. "i can't believe you let brian die, man" The leader and his army runs off crying and Jack White chucks harlequin foetus at them as they run, killing all of them. "hey we're back" "hey it's me brian muldoon that guy the leader guy his name is chris martin and like um yeah" Brian Muldoon teleports away. "gee" "hey it's me sebastian bach" "oh my god" "i'm going to reveal my plan to you" "okay" "you kill heartless, we get hearts and shit" "oh that doesn't sound so bad" "we will be whole" "that's a reasonable request" "STICK TO THE SCRIPT" "oh um noooooooooooo not that" "haha you cannot stop me" "hey it's me maleficent" "oh wow" "leave and stuff" "okay" "WAIT JACK WHITE WE'LL MISS SOME PLOT IF WE DO" "oh who cares this game's plot hasn't made sense for months" They leave and some guy pushes them into the shadow realm. "HEY HAVE THIS ICE CREAM AND PHOTOGRAPH" "hey it's those guys!!! there's justin timberlake, chubby checker, kim gordon and um" "dan auerbach" "who" "just this guy" "hey wasn't that jack black" "THAT IS A STUPID IDEA AND YOU ARE STUPID FOR HAVING IT" They then head back to complete worlds they've previously visited, padding the game.
"hey mulan what's up" "i'm chasing some guy" "oh want some help" "sure" They head up to the mountains, where they're attacked by loads of heartless. Mulan, Donald and Goofy run off, while some guy in a black coat wielding Jack Black's sword attacks Jack White. "hello" "hello"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

jack white is like "hey look it's david boogie", then while sir guy and all the heartless are distracted, swings his copy of harry potter and the order of the phoenix at them, killing them instantly

CHAPTOUR SIXTY-SEVEN:
"HEY LOOK IT'S DAVE" The heartless all turn around and the black-hood-guy runs off, elated. Jack White grabs his copy of The Hobbit and swings it around randomly, killing all the heartless. "hey wasn't that jack black" "THAT IS A STUPID IDEA AND YOU ARE STUPID FOR HAVING IT" They head back to the palace. "it's locked" "hey i have an idea" They climb up a random column, but Mulan falls off due to being a STUPID BITCH but then she catches herself before dying. "dammit" "hey it's me the emperor you should totally take out the heartless dragon" "sounds good" They head outside. "hey it's me dave grohl i'm leaving now" "okay" They slay the dragon. "THANKS BRO" They leave forever after hearing Mulan became a guard captain.
"hello" "hello" "we're having a BALL tonight" "sounds lame" "it was belle's idea" "ouch" Nobodies attack the ball. "NOT TONIGHT" "FUCKING HELL MAN" "hey it's me david cook" "great" "great" "BTW im gonna steal the thing you value most" "ha that's silly you can't steal me" "OH SHIT MY ROSE" "..." "..." "..." "okay then" "THEY STOLE MY ROSE" "can't you get another one" "THAT IS A STUPID IDEA AND YOU ARE STUPID FOR HAVING IT" "gee" "LEAVE OR ELSE" "NO U" "NO ME"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

sets the huge TV screen in the ballroom to play 9/11 footage on loop, and while the nobodies are distracted watching it intently with tears of laughter streaming down their faces, jack white cunningly massacres each and every one with his water pistol before pillaging their corpses until he finds the rose on the rose-thief's corpse!!!!!!

CHAPTOUR SIXTY-EIGHT:
"hey where's your tvs" "... tv?!" "..." "..." "fuck" Jack White thinks. "okay new plan" Jack White walks up to David Cook and his nobodies. "the game" "FUCK" David Cook runs outside, a single tear streaming down his face. "hey bro i have belle and the rose you can choose ONE" "oh shit" Jack White rips out his iPlunger and loops 9/11 footage, causing everyone to fall into fatal hysterics, except Belle, since she's a woman and has no sense of humour. Belle grabs the rose and runs off to her room. After a few hours, Jack White's iPlunger's batteries die. "FUCK YOU" David Cook grabs his seven lances. "how do you even HOLD all those" "MAGIC" "but they're all in your hands" "MAGIC" David Cook rapes the entire party several times, causing many game overs. "HOW DO I EVEN DO THIS" "MAGIC" Jack White dies one final time and Mickey appears! "hello" "hello" Mickey beats up David Cook and revives Jack White, allowing Jack White to land the final blow. "yay" "thank you for everything!!!" "i love you belle!!!" "i love you beast!!!" "i am personally against beastiality" "does it count as beastiality if i used to be human" "yes" "fuck" They leave.
"hey it's time for THE HADES CUP" "oh boy oh boy" "also hercules must compete" "oh" "i can't!!! i'm such a washout!!!" "NO U" "NO ME" "also auron is competing but not with you for some reason"
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

jack white doesn't have to compete!! so I guess he goes home and watches two and a half men or something until hercules is done

CHAPTOUR SIXTY-NINE:
"oh boy i don't need to compete!!!" "but jack white you have to help me i'm too emo to fight!!!" "but the new season of two and a half men starts today" "but jack white i need you!!!" "rofl thats gay man" "please and shit" "oh all right" They fight through a few rounds and see AURON "hey auron it's me!!!" "must destroy hercules and shit" "oh um" They spy on Auron for kicks. "ALL RIGHT FAGGOT state your crime" "i exist and shit" "that doesn't sound like auron!!!" "old" "to be excused of this you must ?" "kill hercules" "and his meddling friends" "HAHA NOPE" "okay" Hades squeezes a little doll of Auron. "nooooooooooo not my official merchandise" "OKAY" "hey hercules we need to get auron's official merchandise back!!!" "all right i'll hold him off and shit" They head to Hades' bedroom and grab the official Auron merchandise. "all right!!!" Auron's action phrases start. "THERE MUST BE ANOTHER WAY YOUR DEATHS WILL BE MEANINGLESS" "wow what a depressing doll" "IT'S AN ACTION FIGURE" They run back to the arena and chuck the official Auron merchandise at Auron. "oh thanks bro" "WHAT HOW DARE YOU AND SHIT YOU MUST FIGHT HERCULES AND SHIT" "LIKE I SAID this is my story and shit" "YOU ARE FIRED AND SHIT" "dude you've used that line before and shit" "oh also" Hades drops Megara into the Pit of Undying, Revenous Souls. "fuck" Hercules dives in after her.
WHAT DOES JACK WHITE DO

sneaks up behind hades and carefully pulls his favourite toenail clippers out of his pocket and throws them into the pit of undying, revenous souls so hades will jump in also

problem solved!!