A Thing of the Past: Wild West 5 - In the Lap of the Gods (1887)

Mission 001: Royal Prerogative [King Bran]
"howdy kb how's the king thing been treating you" "well i reckon i've had a mighty fine time these last few years with the demonesses fighting amongst themselves instead of trying to make our lives miserable" "and eleatrice has been distracted by preparing for jezzie's inevitable return, so it's been easy and breezy" Just then, something happens to end the ease and breeze of King Bran's royal reign. "HARK!!! HARK AND HOWDY!!! i am the queen of the gods of olympus, hera!!!" "never heard of you" "we have been biding our time in olympus, waiting for when the demonesses are most vulnerable so we can strike them down!!!" "um okay" "we have parked olympus to the west of your continent and plan on using your country as our sacred battleground for our fight against eleatrice!!!" "hey wait that doesn't sound like something i'd want to happen" "i can imagine it wouldn't" "listen, i have something for this: the magical orb!!! we shall ask it if you should use alabama as your battleground" "fair enough; it seems wise, what with that infinity symbol printed on it and all" "oh magical orb: should queen hera use alabama as a battleground for her holy war against the demonesses?" King Bran gives the magical orb a vigorous shake. "'yeehaw!!! that sounds like a mighty fine idea, i reckon!!!' SO IT SHALL BE!!! YEEHAW!!!" "yeehaw, indeed" Hera turns to make preparations, her magical silken scarf hitting Michelle right in the face. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Eleatrice missions/Hera missions]

Mission 002: Back in the Driver's Seat [Eleatrice]
"howdy eleatrice how was your first year of being queen of hell again" "tremendous; i have built a sturdy defense in case of invasion and i am now ready to do what needs to be done" "defend against invasion from olympus?" "what? no i was talking about demoting gravella after her underhanded tactics in the previous hellection" "you can do that?" "i can control which demonesses are major and which are minor; i reckon i'll promote libella, the demoness of libations, in her place for helping me get through such a hard time as my hellection loss" "how many demonesses are there?" "you know, i never counted; let's just say there's a fuckload" Eleatrice begins the demotion/promotion process, and Jakey begins to float. "uh eleatrice? is this normal?" "oh right; by demoting gravella, i weaken her element, which is to say gravity" Jakey hits his head on the ceiling. "ow" "i suppose this was a bad idea" "could you please change it back before everyone flies into the sun?" Eleatrice sighs. "i suppose i have no choice; promoting the demoness of glue and sticking everyone to the ground presents its own problems" Eleatrice swaps Libella and Gravella again, and Jakey falls to the floor, headfirst. "ow" "i'll have to punish gravella some other way" "yes; please don't mess with the major/minor demoness ratio again" "yeah i won't touch that again until i figure out which ones are integral" "thanks" Michelle falls from the sky straight through the ceiling. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Libella missions]

Mission 003: An Unexpected Invasion [Eleatrice]
"jakey why didn't you tell me the olympians were going to invade?!" "howdy to you too" "yes, howdy" "i did tell you before you went off on gravella" "right i do remember that" "so what are you going to do about it" "um well they outnumber us by around twelve" "that doesn't seem so bad" "it does when the twelve is all the major demonesses; they have at least most of their thirteen major goddesses" "thirteen? just like the demonesses?" "yeah every demoness has a goddess counterpart" "is that why hera looks like you only blonde" "yeah she's my counterpart" "does she know all your moves?" "i hope not; i've got some pretty sweet moves stashed away" "such as?" "i call this one 'the photocopier'" "the what now" Eleatrice disappears, and a beige box in the corner starts to hum. Soon, a dozen Eleatrices appear from within. "what the hell" "i can use any electronic device to amplify my power; i can start fires by flying into an oven; i can freeze things by flying into a refrigerator" "i have no idea what any of those things are" "i had these devices shipped from the future; soon, humankind will be totally dependent on my electricity, and i will reap the rewards" "so this would be a great tactic if these things were commonplace, but because they haven't been invented yet, you are limited to the ones you have here" "right" "and hera wants to fight you in alabama" "oh really? that's lame; how am i supposed to do all my cool moves without my devices?" "sounds like she knows of your moves at least" "well back to the drawing board" Eleatrice turns to see Michelle photocopying her posterior. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 004: Joined at the Hip [Hera]
"howdy hera; i was wondering, are you normally queen of olympus?" "yes; i haven't been dethroned for hundreds of years" "so why are you eleatrice's counterpart?" "pardon?" "well, jezzie is normally queen of hell" "well i reckon eleatrice must be destined to be queen of hell permanently at some point and just needs to get over the hump" "or perhaps jezzie's counterpart is destined to be queen of olympus permanently at some point" "nyx? no, she-" Hera's face goes blank. "note to self: watch out for nyx" "that bad?" "she's the goddess of the night; i've tried to demote her but she always tricks her away out of it" "really? who would you put in her place" "hecate, the goddess of magic; i've have promoted her already, but the only slots i'm really able to swap are aesthetically ghastly" "pardon?" "i hate gravella's look so i put a lame goddess as her counterpart and just kill her off all the time" "um doesn't that destroy the balance of something or other" "not really; i put harmonia, the goddess of harmony, in as gravella's counterpart, and keep eris, the goddess of discord, locked down as a minor goddess to compensate" "oh uh okay" "all for the best i suppose; until eleatrice makes elemenopeia a major demoness, i wouldn't want to move hecate anyway because she's so cute that way" "so the goddesses' appearances are a reaction to the demonesses', not the other way around?" "correct; good only exists as a reaction to evil" "fair enough" Michelle walks in, her statement a reaction to Jakey's inaction. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Eleatrice missions/Nyx missions/Hecate missions/Eris missions/Elemenopeia missions]

Mission 005: A War for All Seasons [Hera]
"howdy jakey you're just in time; the goddess of war, enyo, was about to show her painstakingly crafted war plans" "wait hera are you sure you want him here for this?" "yeah it's fine" "your call i guess" Enyo rolls out the map of the flat earth. "so i say we move our troops here to attack this supply depot; without it, the humans will be completely cut off, and we will crush them beneath our heel" "..." "..." "enyo, who are we fighting" "we're fighting the humans" "re-read the letter i sent you" Enyo pulls out the letter Hera had sent, and begins to pore over it. "oh" Enyo glances downward. "well this is embarrassing" "so you've spent the last six months planning an attack on the wrong nation" "pretty much yeah" Hera sighs deeply. "go and put that plan in the archive; we may be able to use it one day, then start planning for the war against the demonesses" "got it; archives, then plan for the war against the orcs" "demonesses" "oh right i forgot" Enyo turns and heads to the archives, then begins to plan for the war against the dark elves. Michelle emerges from the archives, carrying out armfuls of godly artefacts. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Enyo missions]

Mission 006: Disappointment at the Highest Level [Libella]
"howdy libella; you seem sad" "oh howdy jakey; i'm just sad that i'm no longer a major demoness" "that only lasted two minutes" "two minutes of bliss; i felt a rush of power and joy coursing through me for just two minutes, as if millions of alcoholics suddenly cried out in bliss, but were just as suddenly silenced" "oh that sucks" "yeah; maybe someday, i'll be a major demoness, but not today" Just then, a loud bang is heard, and a woman in green storms into the saloon. "you think you have it bad? i was finally free of you for two blissful minutes of my life" "oh howdy iris" "don't you 'howdy' me libella; being attached to gravella absolutely elated me and allowed me to be free of this green misery" "i like the color green" "without red, orange, yellow, blue, indigo, and violet, it is nothing; one day, my rainbows will consist of every color known to man and then some" "good luck with that" Iris storms off, a raincloud appearing above her head, creating a rainbow of green. "demoness/goddess relations are more complex than i'd imagined" "you'll get used to it; goddesses are heavily dependent on which demonesses they're attached to" "so it seems" "one time, hera thought it would be funny to attach demeter, the goddess of the harvest, to lilith; all the crops burned and we had decades of famine" "and she's the good one?" "that's what she says" Michelle walks up, having captured Iris's green rainbow in a jar. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Iris missions/Hera missions/Demeter missions]

Mission 007: A Sorry Group [Eleatrice]
"howdy eleatrice how's it going" "better than i'd reckoned; some of these minor demonesses are useless, sure, but others are surprisingly potent" "i'm struggling to think of a demoness that would be useless" "you clearly haven't met stacy, the demoness of sleep" "can't she lull all your enemies to sleep?" "maybe if she could stay awake herself long enough to do such a thing" "oh" "observe" Eleatrice walks over and gives Stacy a hard kick, startling her awake. "stacy, put jakey to sleep" "on it boss" Stacy stands up and walks over to Jakey, but only gets a third of the way there before she collapses and falls back asleep. "i see what you mean" "luckily, in addition to her and - eugh - goosephone, the demoness of goo, we have actually cool and useful minor demonesses, like acidella, the demoness of acid, and fubuki, the demoness of smoke" "there's a demoness of goo?" "yeah she sucks" "what's next, the demoness of doorknobs?" "i think that falls under irona's territory; she has a vendetta against saloon doors and insists every door needs a proper knob" "glad she's dead" "normally i'd agree, but i'm shorthanded for the whole war thing" "right" "so now i have to make due with absolute bottom-of-the-barrel garbage demonesses like elemenopeia, the demoness of the alphabet" "she doesn't sound very combat-ready, true" Just then, Michelle busts into the Wicked Chateau, covered in goo and letters. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Acidella missions/Fubuki missions]

Mission 008: A Secret Well-Kept [Nyx]
"howdy miss nyx" "oh howdy; are you my secret admirer?" "um no? i only just learned you exist" "oh well maybe later then; i was told via telegraph by my secret admirer to meet him here" "oh nice" "i hope it's dionysus; he's hoarding those industrial-era wines and i could use a snifter or twelve" "it's probably hermes" "that motormouth? i would definitely need a few snifters if it's him" Just then, a solitary figure ambles up the hill. "oh it's him; hide so he doesn't think we're an item, unless?" Jakey hides in a bush as Nyx's secret admirer arrives. "howdy miss nyx; my name is crazy svart of crazy svart's pre-rustled cattle, and i have admired you from afar for far too long" "you sell cattle that's already been rustled? but the rustling is all the fun" "well you could always re-rustle them" "it's not the same; i'm holding out for either a prince or a cattle baron with a ranch full of pristine un-rustled cattle for me to rustle" "oh" "it's not you, it's me; my standards are simply too high" "yeah i should have figured" Crazy Svart mopes off, dejected. "poor guy; i hope he doesn't rustle himself off this mortal coil" "i have no strong feelings one way or the other" "harsh" Michelle rides up the hill atop a gloriously un-rustled cattle, which Nyx proceeds to immediately rustle. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 009: Never Give Up [Nyx]
"howdy nyx, you look a bit peeved" "oh howdy; you remember my disappointing secret admirer? well he hasn't given up" "what's he done" "he delivered this phonograph record anonymously and put his favorite songs on it" "don't you need two phonographs to do that? he must be loaded" "he cut two records in half and glued two side As to eachother" "that's also impressive in its own way" "i suppose but i'd rather he have just sent me the two un-destroyed records" "that's fair" Just then, the post lady slips a package underneath Nyx's door. "oh look it's the two side Bs, glued together" "like he's spying on us" "forget about him darling" "huh?" "we must discuss our plans to get married this winter" "um-" "i just can't wait until we are married forever" Nyx spots a lone figure run away from outside. "phew" "what was that" "sorry jakey i needed to get him to leave hopefully forever; i know we're not actually getting married, unless?" "at least buy me dinner first" Just then, Michelle slides in carrying a bucket of wild west-style chicken. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 010: A Magical Moment [Hecate]
"howdy miss hecate; i hear you're the goddess of magic" "howdy; you heard correctly" "what are your thoughts on the declining number of wizards in the world since the industrial revolution" "the popularity of firearms and coal-based technologies did inspire laziness among people who would otherwise aspire to be wizards, true, but the average quality of wizards has skyrocketed, so i'm fine with it, and will continue to be fine with it as even less people become wizards as electricity use becomes more prevalent and people get even lazier" "you don't miss thousands of wizards running around?" "no; you weren't alive for the 1100s when everyone was becoming a wizard, and the entire continent of atlantis sank because of it" "it was probably a lame continent anyway" "that's beside the point; i had to completely restructure how magic works so that the same thing wouldn't happen to a good continent like canada or alabama" "fair" "i worked with elemenopeia to make sure all the worst incantations were unpronouncable by anything less than a grand wizard" "probably should have made it that way to begin with" "i assumed the mortals wouldn't see an entry in the grand spellbook that said 'continent-sinking spell' and think 'that sounds fun'" "why the hell would you assume that" Michelle walks in, wearing her Grand Wizard robes. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 011: Connections [Hecate]
"howdy hecate; i was wondering about the way demonesses and goddesses are connected" "what about it" "some connections make sense, like leanthe and demeter, but others seem weird and arbitrary like you and elemenopeia" "most of the pairings are weird and arbitrary, especially with the minor goddesses; i don't mind though because i get to be an absolute cutie" "that is true" "basically, we goddesses are mostly our own thing, but we are connected to the demonesses, and that affects our appearance and makes mostly minor changes to our personalities and abilities" "mostly?" "well sometimes the respective queens of hell and olympus make pairs that do not work at all, like that one time when thalassa, the goddess of the sea, and oilana, the demoness of oil, were paired up" "oil and water? what could possibly go wrong" "every single mortal sailing that day was killed" "why wouldn't thalassa be the counterpart to gremory? they're both water" "do you really want two gremories running around?" "no but i assume someone has to be gremory's counterpart" "yeah, it's aphrodite, the goddess of love, who loves everyone except gremory" "ouch" "well and terraphina and her counterpart with the long dumb name, but no one loves those two" "so i hear" Michelle walks up, having bought a fishtank with a protective layer of oil at the top. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Oilana missions/Aphrodite missions]

Mission 012: Walk On [Eris]
"howdy miss eris" "howdy; listen mr prince jakey sir: i need a big favor" "what would that be" "i need you to marry me" "um why" "the other goddesses are keeping me down; they know that if i made major demoness, i'd rule the world so they keep me attached to that loser minor demoness melody" "the demoness of music, i assume?" "not even; if she was, i'd have all kinds of anthems and the like, but she's actually the demoness of walking" "how does that work" "no clue but it won't concern me for long; once you marry me, i will be contractually made into a major demoness" "well the way i hear it, you'd be attached to gravella in that case" "..." "..." "is there a way i could be attached to a more attractive demoness, like wynne or lilith?" "probably not" "maybe i'll just stay where i am; causing marital spats isn't so bad" "do you seduce women's husbands or something?" "no, i just plant a pair of my underwear at married couples' houses; i am still a prime marriage candidate" "sure sure" "hey maybe you could use your clout as prince of canada to make hera attach me to lilith or wynne instead of gravella" "is anyone important attached to lilith or wynne?" "probably not; nike is simply the worst, and i am entirely unsure of what hestia even does" "i'll have to find that one out" "so the marriage is on?" "it seems really unwise to marry someone when you know her appearance and personality will 100% completely change once you're married" "that happens with all marriages" "that doesn't fill me with confidence" Michelle walks up, and confronts Jakey about the pair of Eris's underwear she found in his saddlebags. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Nike missions/Hestia missions]

Mission 013: A Colossal Challenge [Eris]
"howdy eris what's uh with the crowd" "i have challenged my eternal rival, nike, the goddess of 'victory', to pistols at sundown" "if she's the goddess of victory, how do you hope to beat her" "i'm the goddess of disharmony; i hope that my preparations this afternoon will have disharmonized her from her normal, victorious ways" "what exactly did you do" "i made a nike voodoo doll and strapped a silver medal to it, denoting that she will come in second place in this contest, and as a result, she will die and spend two years thinking about how i am her superior before she revives" "well uh good luck" "please, do not wish me good luck, but rather wish nike bad luck" "i'll get right on that" Jakey takes his seat in the gallery as the two goddesses take their positions. King Bran, the unbiased official, sits atop the official's stand. "DRAW" The two goddesses turn and draw their six-guns and fire. Eris's bullet hits Jakey square between the eyes, causing him to fall backward and wait for his dumb healing powers to activate. Nike's bullet was a second slower than Eris's, but hits true square in Eris's heart. "if only i had spent the afternoon practicing my aim" Eris falls to the ground, dead for the next two years. Nike climbs to her victory podium hesitantly, as her victory was not as complete and thorough as usual. Jakey's wound heals, and as he comes to, he notices that Michelle had made a necklace out of the bullet. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions]

Mission 014: The Letter of the Law [Elemenopeia]
"howdy elemenopeia; i hear you created the alphabet?" "yes indeed; i am very proud of it" "so um what is the point of the letter Q" "oh that one was a joke" "fair" Just then, a young woman bursts into Elemenopeia's abode. "um howdy; let yourself in, miss?" "i am known as laura tark; i walk into your lair to humbly ask that you abolish a symbol that is amid D and F" "you want me to remove the letter E from the alphabet?" "indubitably" "the entire language falls completely apart without the letter E" "no human will miss it" "every human will miss it; it's the cornerstone of the english language" "it's an ignominy" "i don't even know what that means and i don't care; i am not removing the letter E, or any other letter" "why not" "i worked hard on the alphabet; every one of the twenty-six beautiful characters was created with an express purpose and intent; they are my beautiful children, and i will brook no such slander against them" "amid D and F is a ridiculous ignominy!!! it's a total corruption of good morals!!!" "we'll see how you feel after about twenty years in the letter dimension's prisons; all the cells are a cube made out of Es" "oh no" Elemenopeia traps Laura in the letter dimension, never to be seen again. "that was decisive" "i can handle someone not liking a letter, but E of all letters? that's just ridiculous" "plus then your name would be lmnopia" "and i couldn't begin to figure out how to pronounce that" Michelle walks in, glad that her name has not been turned into Michll. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 015: Plans for a Grand Attack [Enyo]
"howdy enyo how's the war plans coming" "destroying the demonesses is significantly harder than destroying you mortals; i have to be prepared for weird promotions and demotions that would completely change our olympian ability sets" "you're uh echidna's counterpart, right?" "yeah and that's a dangerous one to be; demoting gravella or something would be disasterous, but demoting echidna is just whatever, you know? eleatrice could absolutely destroy my warlike tendencies by swapping echidna out for like goosephone, the demoness of goo" "i've heard bad things about that one" "i'd turn all gooey and i can't fight while i'm gooey" "you say that like you know your abilities when gooey" "i've been practicing fighting while gooey, gluey, and even full of hooey" "what about blackout drunk" "that's just thursday night" "fair" "but it's impossible to know what horrors may await me; there are demonesses lurking in the woodwork that even i don't know about" "there could even be a demoness of woodwork" "i'll have to practice my whittlin'" "it's a good skill to have regardless" Jakey motions to Michelle, who has been whittlin' up a storm, creating a perfect toothpick. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Eleatrice missions]

Mission 016: Dreams of Blues and Reds [Iris]
"howdy iris; i got you a fruit basket" "oh good i could use some potassium to help me plot the downfall of mnemosyne" "menemowho?" "mnemosyne, the goddess of memory; she is currently a major demoness attached to colouria, the demoness of color; i plan to take her spot so my rainbows can be more than just green" "won't making the goddess of memory a minor goddess make everyone all forgetful all the time?" "and hopefully we'll all forget what it's like to have her hogging a major spot" "why can't you replace like harmonia or something" "i don't want to look like gravella, and being attached to her would make all my rainbows purple or something; i need access to the entire pallet" "wow, greedy" "once you see my hypothetical multicolor rainbow, you will never be able to go back to the green kind" "rainbows aren't really top of my mind if i'm being honest" "well that will change once you behold this drawing i made of my future masterpiece" Iris slaps down a piece of paper with a multicolor rainbow on it. "red is at the top, then orange, then yellow, then green, then blue, then the secret sauce, then violet/purple" "the secret sauce?" "six colors would be boring, so i spiced it up with some beautiful indigo" "why indigo and not like puce" "p-PUCE?! not in my rainbow; my rainbow will forever be a puce-free zone" "oh come on my sister loves puce" "she may be the only one" Michelle glares holes through Iris. "take me home pardner, to my beautiful puce house"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 017: Rounding Up the Posse [Hera]
"howdy hera; you seem frustrated" "it's because none of the major goddesses seem to want to join the attack on hell" "didn't you consult with them before announcing it?" "i just assumed they'd be down for it" "rough" "but artemis says 'i can't go it's boar season' and left with no means to find or contact her" "you wouldn't want her fighting in the war anyway; the bore of war would pale in comparison to the hunt of boar, and in her boredom she'd think only of boardom" "yeah but if i waited for boar season to end, she'd say she will be away with no means to contact her because it's buck season" "you can't expect her to buck her tradition of hunting buck; all she'd think of is how much it sucks to be stuck in the muck with bad luck not hunting buck" "cute; you should write children's books" "i tried that, but they wouldn't publish me because half my vocabulary is 'fuck'" "that'll do it, yes" Michelle walks in, holding up a copy of Jakey's children's book, Horatio "The Motherfucker" Hernandez and the Big Motherfucking Pile of Spaghetti; Like, What the Fuck Is He Going to Do with All That Fucking Spaghetti? This Isn't a Fucking Pimento Park Restaurant, for Fuck's Sake. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 018: Planet of Plants [Demeter]
"howdy demeter" "howdy" "i had a question: why are all the plants around here cactii" "i just love the things; i have been known to go through phases of absolute obsessive infatuation with certain plants, and it's the cactus' time to shine" "what was it before this" "well in the 1500s sometime, i was absolutely obsessed with cherry blossoms; in another hundred years, i think i'll be onto palm trees" "so you just clear out all the plant life and put in whatever suits your fancy?" "pretty much, yeah; the demoness of grass, leanthe, could theoretically stop me, but she's always either asleep or dead" "well i like the cactii so i hope you'll continue to like them for the forseeable future" "well the twentieth century is coming soon and we're due for a shake-up" "no way; the west will be wild forever" "it's cute that you think that" "what would we even replace it with? the wild west is the apex time period that all other time periods have been leading toward" "maybe next will be flower gardens" "i have hay fever" "that explains your love of the cactus period" "deserts are great for the sinuses" "as would be a world full of tall buildings utterly devoid of nature" "i'd accept that as our future" "really? that would be so depressing that i might just kill myself" "goddesses can do that?" "yes but only for two years" "rough" Michelle walks in and spreads some cherry blossoms around the room. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 019: Violating Every Rule of War at Once [Acidella]
"howdy acidella what's your role in this upcoming war" "committing war crimes" "what." "i've got the two most prominent demoness medics here - my counterpart, iaso, and the goddess of tonics, circe - and i am going to murder them slowly with acid" "that's extremely hardcore" "thanks i try hard" "so i take it you don't get along with your counterpart?" "iaso's a MAJOR drag; circe's okay though" "so okay that you're literally torturing her to death" "have you ever heard the expression 'all's fair in [...] war'?" "i'm not sure circe will see it that way" "let's ask her" Acidella opens a lead curtain, behind which is Iaso and Circe, whose legs have been dissolved. "hey circe how do you feel about the situation you're in" "i can't really complain; this sucks, sure, but all's fair in [...] war" "we still on for golf once you get back?" "you know it" "see? we're all cool here" "you're slowly and painfully melting her" "don't worry about me jakey; acidella so rarely gets to melt goddesses like this so let her have her moment" "and how does iaso feel about this" "oh she bit through her tongue days ago; she's dead" "MOTHERFUCKER" Acidella kicks over a trash can. "i hate that woman" Jakey slowly backs away, not wanting to visit Acidella ever again. Michelle grabs a bucket of acid for later. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 020: Old Friends [Fubuki]
"howdy fubuki how's the war going" "war?" "with the goddesses?" "oh right that; sorry, i was just feeling wistful" "about what" "do you remember three years ago when the teztec aliens came to earth?" "yeah an alien invasion is hard to forget" "well the teztecs loved my smoke and it felt good being appreciated, you know? and their cash money they gave me was tight" "i can imagine" "do you think they'll ever come back" "probably not; gravella was far too hostile to them" "hate that woman; i would make a much better major demoness than gravella ever did" "gravella keeps everyone from floating away" "it wouldn't matter if everyone felt the pure bliss of being completely inundated with my beautiful smoke" "if you feel so strongly about it, why don't you spend all that money on a campaign to force eleatrice to make you a major demoness" "if i didn't get promoted for my immeasurable contributions during the industrial revolution, it'll never happen; besides, my money is all tied up" "how so" "i converted it all to cryptocurrency" "never heard of it" "yeah i forgot that it won't be invented until 2008" "that's rather a long time, isn't it?" "maybe for you mortals" "i suppose my perspective is skewed by the fact that there is no way in hell i will live that long" "never say never; your country did make a deal with hebe, after all" "hebe?" "the goddess of youth?" "never heard of her" "well perhaps you should pay her a visit because she's done a lot for you already" "that sounds ominous" "eh don't worry about it; rather, worry about me and the fact that i need you to lend me a crisp fiver so i can eat dinner" Jakey dips into his pocket and passes Fubuki a crisp fiver, as she requested. Michelle dips into her pocket and hands Jakey negative a crisp fiver, legally deducting a crisp fiver from his bank account. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Hebe missions]

Mission 021: Essential Oils [Oilana]
"howdy oilana how's the war going" "well have you heard of the thing that got invented recently? the uh combustion-powered automated rollingham? or CAR for short" "that sounds vaguely familiar" "well eleatrice bought a lot of these and strapped cannons to them, and they require oil for the combustion part so i've had to reveal the locations of several of my hidden oil deposits i buried" "wait, you're the reason why sometimes we'll dig and strike oil?" "of course; i like hiding it around like a present for people dilligent enough to dig for it, like a treasure hunt" "that makes a lot of sense actually" "i love seeing diggers' faces when they strike oil; it makes it all worth it" "so the cannon CARs are tested and proven effective?" "why the hell would we waste fuel and ammo testing them when we can just wing it during an actual battle" "silly me" "yes, silly you" Michelle drives up in her CAR. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 022: Love in the Wild West [Aphrodite]
"howdy aphrodite; nice day we're having" "howdy; i love days like this" "so are you involved in the upcoming war?" "oh yeah i love war; such a beautiful and passionate display" "not the answer i expected" "it surprises most people; you have to remember that war is born of passion, as if no one felt passionately about something, no one would want to fight about it" "that makes sense actually" "war is merely a contest to see who is the most passionate, albeit with deadly results" "yeah that's the part i thought you wouldn't like" "why? i love funerals; the outpouring of passionate emotion from the mourners sustains me" "really? i assumed your sustenance would come from like romantic candlelit dinners or something" "there's some passion there, granted, but it's only when the going gets rough and our beliefs and desires are challenged that the real passion flows forth" "fair" "also people rarely end up with the people i want them to end up with" "really?" "yeah it's just depressing; be a dear and get together with lilith next year, will you?" "lilith? really?" "that whole scene two years ago where she tried to make you forget that you knew she was a demoness was cute as hell and i need more of that" "uh-huh" Just then, Michelle enters the room and takes a look at Aphrodite's shipping board. She shakes her head, displeased with Aphrodite's choices. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 023: In for a Dull Time [Nike]
"howdy nike, are you involved in the upcoming war?" "unfortunately no; my involvement in wars was banned by the geneva convention" "so? the demonesses are intentionally violating the geneva convention by pre-emptively killing your medics" "yeah but hera wants to 'play fair' and 'prove that cheaters never win'" "wow she sounds lame" "i know right; i've never lost at anything in my life, and war is no exception" "you've never once lost a competition?" "yes; i can win any contest you throw at me" "how about a competition between the two of us right now to see who can be the jakeyest" "can i have two minutes of preparation time" "sure" "okay be right back" Nike leaves and returns two minutes later, radiating pure Jakeyness. "you look the part, but say something jakey-like" "i was hoping to avoid taking any action; if anything goes wrong, that's future me's problem, or preferably a problem for my descendants" "i yield" Nike throws off her Jakey costume. "see? i've never lost" "that's honestly a little scary" "people are used to rooting for whoever they want to come in second place" "i can see why" "oh the lottery drawing has started" Nike ticks off the numbers on her ticket as they are called. "i win again" "so that's why i never win the lottery" "yeah i've won every single one" "that's depressing" "aw don't be sad; here, have some money" Nike gives Jakey a wheelbarrow full of crisp fivers, not even putting a visible dent into her pile. "um thanks" Michelle exits the money pile with her own wheelbarrow of crisp fivers. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +/Hera missions]

Mission 024: Peas in a Pod [Hestia]
"howdy miss hestia; i hear you're the goddess counterpart to lilith?" "hmm? whoever told you that, you silly moose" "i believe the expression is 'silly goose'" "no i'm pretty sure it's 'silly moose'" "whatever; so what are you the goddess of" "goddess? you flatter me; i am just an ordinary human girl, doing ordinary human things" Jakey slaps his face with his hand. "why are there two of them" "i appreciate the compliment however; maybe we can have dinner sometime" "please stop" "oh am i being too forward? i just get so excited sometimes" "hey hestia did you hear? hera was just killed by a stampede of rustled cattle and there's going to be an olyction" "YES!!! FINALLY!!! AFTER YEARS OF HIDING IN PLAIN SIGHT, I!!!, HESTIA!!!, THE GODDESS OF THE HEARTH!!!, WILL WIN THE OLYCTION AND BECOME QUEEN OF OLYMPUS!!!" "oh sorry did i say 'hera'? i meant circe" "um i have no idea who those people are; tell charlie that i am sorry about what happened" "yeah nice try; you've blown your cover" "what cover" "goodbye hestia, goddess of the hearth" "surely you have me confused with someone else" Michelle runs over, chased by a stampede of rustled cattle. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]

Mission 025: The Starting Gun [King Bran]
"howdy kb it's almost time" "yes, the designated starting date of the demoness/goddess war of 1887" Gunshots are heard. "well there it is" "i'm not worried about the welfare of my people or country in this war that does not actually involve us beyond location; the magical orb would never steer us wrong" "you should ask it if it would steer us wrong, just in case" "oh good idea: oh magical orb, would you ever steer us wrong?" King Bran shakes the magical orb to receive its guidance. "'sheeeeeoooooot pardner; i reckon no'" "oh thank god" "i have faith in the magical orb; especially considering that it is not currently thursday" "better hope this war wraps up in the next two days then" "i'll ask the orb: oh magical orb, is this war going to wrap up before thursday" King Bran vigorously shakes the magical orb. "'yeehaw!!! i reckon so, pardner!!!' THE ORB HAS SPOKEN" "what a nice orb" "indeed" Michelle walks in and kneels before the magical orb's radiance. "take me home pardner"
[reward: respect +]