Pokémon SharpenedSword and TemperedShield

The seventh entry in the Pokémon series, after Pokémon InfernoRed and OceanBlue, Pokémon GlitteringGold and ShimmeringSilver, Pokémon VolcanicRuby and TidalSapphire, Pokémon InfiniteDiamond and BoundlessPearl, Pokémon EternityX and OblivionY, and Pokémon BlazingSun and TranquilMoon.

CHAPTOUR ONE:
Gloria hears a knock at the door, shortly followed by the door opening. "HEY GLORIA" "WHAT THE FUCK HAU YOU CAN'T JUST BARGE IN ON PEOPLE; WHAT IF I WAS NAKED IN HERE" "you have the curtains drawn; i could already see you weren't naked" "AND YOU WERE PEEPING LIKE SOME SORT OF TOM?! this is why everyone likes your brother better than you" "OH YEAH speaking of my awesome brother he's coming home to give us a gift!!! my mother also says that we're going to be grilling!!!" "oh shit yeah i love grilling"
"all right hau and gloria, i, THE UNBEATABLE CHAMPION!!!, am now going to give you Pokémon!!!" "oh boy" Leon throws out three Pokémon: a rabbit, a monkey, and a frog. "oh i'll take the rabbit definitely" "good choice; scorbunny is energetic and loves to play!!!" "yeah and i can't imagine eating a monkey or a frog" "..." "what? you said we were having a grilling party so let's grill up this rabbit i'm hungry" "maybe we shouldn't let gloria have a Pokémon" "nonsense; i'll just knock some sense into her with my Pokémon!!! GO WOOLOO" "ooh grilled sheep sounds even better!!! GO SCORBUNNY USE TACKLE" "okay so you defeated my wooloo BUT GROOKEY IS ANOTHER STORY GO GROOKEY" "scorbunny use ember!!!" "WAS THAT A MOTHERFUCKING SUPER-EFFECTIVE MOVE?! HOLY SHIT GLORIA YOU'RE A NATURAL" "yeah and a hungry one; let's get that wooloo on the grill" "GLORIA NO"

CHAPTOUR TWO:
"hey bro please sponsor us for the galar gym challenge!!!" "i don't know hau; it would be a real drain on my reputation if i, THE UNBEATABLE CHAMPION!!!, endorsed some kids who ended up absolutely sucking" "come on man; GLORIA battle me so we can prove to my big bro that we're worthy of the gym challenge!!!" "fine fine GO SCORBUNNY" "GO GROOKEY" "scorbunny use ember" "I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU'D GO FOR THE SUPER-EFFECTIVE MOVE YOU MAD CUNT" Gloria's Scorbunny absolutely curbstomps Hau's team. "jesus christ i, THE UNBEATABLE CHAMPION!!!, haven't seen a curbstomping like that in years; i'm going to totally recommend you for the gym challenge gloria" "hey what about me?!" "sure; it should at least be good for a laugh or two"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"okay so we require all our gym challengers to wear the OFFICIAL GYM CHALLENGE UNIFORM!!! what number would you like from 0-999" Gloria instantly replies without a second thought. "420" Happy with her incredibly unique sense of humour, Gloria struts off to the Budew Hotel, where she has been given a free room. "WE'RE TEAM YELL AND WE'RE HERE TO SAY MARNIE'S GONNA WIN THEN EAT YOPLAIT (yogurt)" "who the fuck is marnie" "who is marnie?! WHO IS MARNIE?! LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MARNIE!!! marnie is so cute cuddly LOVE HER want her to ride me all day warm hair so cute so amazing love her need her marnie!!!" "uh-" "here are five facts about marnie!!! 1: marnie is a human!!! 2: she's cute!!! 3: i love her!!! 4: marnie!!!" "is that her on your towel" "yeah totally isn't she the cutest?!" "her hair looks stupid" The entirety of Team Yell gasps in unison. "THEMS FIGHTIN WORDS PUNK GO ZIGZAGOON" "FOR MARNIE!!! GO NICKIT" "YOU WILL PAY FOR THOSE WORDS!!! GO ZIGZAGOON" "MARNIE IS MY LIFE!!! GO NICKIT" Gloria sighs and has her Raboot destroy Team Yell's dark-type line-up.

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
The day of the Pokémon League opening ceremony has finally arrived. Gloria looks down the line of gym challengers. Every single one is wearing either '69' or '420', except for one edgelord wearing '666', and a team of three wearing '867', '53', and '09'. "dammit"
"gloria it's me again let's have a battle" "again?" "yeah man don't cry when you lose" "hau, do you have a learning disability?" "GO WOOLOO" Gloria sighs and throws out Raboot. "use double kick" "AW SHIT HERE SHE GOES AGAIN!!! THROWING OUT SUPER-EFFECTIVE MOVES LEFT AND RIGHT!!!" Hau is swiftly defeated.
Gloria makes her way through the glittering rock mine, and finds a little old lady at the end of the path. "hello granny" "granny?! my name is bede i was CHOSEN by the CHAIRMAN HIMSELF to participate in the gym challenge!!! the chairman is better than the champion so that makes me better than you!!!" "hey this cave is dangerous for little old ladies; how about i bring you back to town" "OH THAT IS IT GO HATENNA" Hatenna begins to slap the shit out of Bede for daring to show a strong emotion in her presence. "GRANNY?! ARE YOU OKAY?!"

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
"yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING do you dare to dream big?! do you want to be the very best like NO ONE EVER WAS?!" "that sounds nice" "then listen well: milo wants you to herd all these wooloos across the entire gym for him" "is being a gym leader just an excuse for him to get everyone else to do his chores" "it's certainly an added bonus" Gloria sighs and heads off to herd some Wooloos.
"you've done well to make it this far challenger but you don't stand a chance against my DYNAMAX ELDEGOSS" "that's one big puffy guy but we're ready GO RABOOT" "..." "..." "just take the damn badge"
"well well look who also has won the grass badge" "also? milo was a pushover but i didn't expect him to even lose to YOU hau" "well i am full of surprises like how i am going to beat you in this battle we're about to have!!!" "kid i have curbstomped you every single time have you not learned your lesson" "HAVE AT YOU!!! GO THWACKEY" Gloria sighs and sends out Raboot. "use flame charge" "ANOTHER SUPER-EFFECTIVE MOVE?! WOAH LORD YOU CAME PREPARED!!!"

CHAPTOUR SIX:
"hey gloria it's me the chairman" "a-are you just hanging out around town in your boxers?!" "yeah man the sea breeze feels great" "i am leaving now" "no no wait i want to get to know you better over a seafood dinner" "i am DEFINITELY leaving now"
"yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING nessa's gym is a switch puzzle" "how creative" Glora goes through the easy switch puzzle, and meets up with Nessa. "you've done well to-" "NIGGER" "..." "..." "you don't have to rub it in okay?! it's not my fault" "sorry it was a kneejerk reaction" "i am going to prove that we niggers can be just as good as you aryan trainers; GO DREDNAW GROW TO ENORMOUS SIZE" "GO RABOOT DON'T GROW TO ENORMOUS SIZE BECAUSE WE'RE NOT PUSSIES" Gloria's normal-sized Raboot destroys Nessa's gigantic Drednaw. "goddammit"

CHAPTOUR SEVEN:
"yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING kabu's gym requires you to catch three Pokémon" "why would i want to catch more Pokémon? i've already got cinderace" "well why would you want to solve a switch puzzle or do milo's chores" "good point" Gloria catches three Pokémon, then goes on to face Kabu. "you've done well to make it this far challenger but you don't stand a chance against my DYNAMAX CENTISCORCH" "that's a big bug but we can take it GO CINDERACE" "how did you already fully evolve your starter?!" "those dynamax portals give out exp candy like uh candy" "just take the damn badge"

CHAPTOUR EIGHT:
"hey SHITHEADS" "oh hey granny" "hau you are a fucking disgrace" "WHAT HOW DARE YOU" "BATTLE ME FAGGOT" "I THINK I WILL" Hau and Bede stomp off to have a battle.
"hey granny what happened to hau" "i kicked his fucking ass is what happened to him" "yeah that guy sucks"
"gloria i can't get over what granny said to me earlier" "what'd she say" "she she SHE CALLED ME WORTHLESS" "hau i call you worthless all the time" "yeah but when you do it it's just banter with the lads; when an old granny does it, it really stings, you know?" "whatever" "anyway battle me" "fine whatever go cinderace" "GO THWACKEY" "use flame charge" "ANOTHER SUPER-EFFECTIVE MOVE?! THIS GIRL'S POKéMON KNOWLEDGE IS INSANE!!!"

CHAPTOUR NINE:
"yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING you ever play pinball?" "um yeah" "well in this gym you get to BE the pinball!!!" "what" "hop on into the raft and you'll see what i mean" Gloria hesitantly gets into the raft, and begins spinning around and around all the way down, being knocked around by giant hands until she eventually gets to the gym leader. "you've done well to-" Gloria violently throws up on the gym leader. "just take the damn badge"
"hey gloria want to go check out the mural with me" "oh sure sounds cool" A loud noise is heard from a vaguely muralward direction. Gloria and Sonia rush in the same direction to find Bede standing next to some sort of elephant. "oh hey granny what's up" "i am going to destroy this priceless historical mural!!! then surely the chairman will love me!!!" "oh he hates art too? cool maybe i will have dinner with him sometime if he remembers to put pants on" "I MOST CERTAINLY DO NOT HATE ART" "uh-oh" "bede i expected better from you; i don't care how old and how many grandchildren you have to take care of, from this point on i BANISH YOU FROM THE GYM CHALLENGE" "wait WHAT i was just doing this for a giggle and now i'm expelled?!" "you know the saying bede: he who giggles last giggles best"

CHAPTOUR TEN:
"yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING opal is holding auditions for her replacement as the fairy-type gym leader so go out there and break a leg" "uh okay" Gloria walks onto the stage, and a gym trainer walks on from the other side. Gloria grabs the gym trainer's leg. "GLORIA THAT ISN'T WHAT I MEANT" "well i'm not going to break my OWN leg" "just disregard that statement" "fine fine" "okay challenger this gym is a quiz gym, so tell me: WHAT DID I HAVE FOR BREAKFAST THIS MORNING" "um an omlette?" "yeah and it was good proceed" Gloria answers more asinine questions, and meets the gym leader, Opal. "you've done well to make it this far challenger, but you'll never GUESS MY FAVOURITE COLOUR" Gloria scans Opal from head to toe, noting that her entire outfit is blue and pink. Gloria figures she has a 50/50 shot. "um pink?" "no" "blue then?" "you dunce my favourite colour is PURPLE" "..." "..." "i hate you so much" "GO ALCREMIE" "go cinderace use pyro ball" "okay so you defeated me and earned the badge but you FAILED the audition; instead, i will name BEDE my successor!!!" "i should have known; you grannies always stick together don't you"

CHAPTOUR ELEVEN:
"okay gloria THIS TIME i'm going to win for sure" "whatever i know it's pointless to argue go cinderace" "GO RILLABOOM" "use pyro ball" "ANOTHER SUPER-EFFECTIVE MOVE?! YOU'RE ON TOP OF IT AS ALWAYS GLORIA"
"yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING this gym is a safety hazard" "um so is it being shut down" "no but you're required to sign these release forms" "'in case of serious injury or DEATH'?! what the fuck am i supposed to do in this gym?!" "well you walk along and sometimes you fall into a pit" "..." "..." "why" "hell if i know" Gloria sighs and signs her release forms.
"you've done well to make it this far challenger, but you don't stand a chance against-" "THEY'RE GIGANTIC" "um i haven't dynamaxed my Pokémon yet" "s-so BIG s-so BOUNCY" "wh-what" Gloria, in a trance-like state, begins to walk straight at Melony, hands ready to grab a handful of boob. "GO FROSMOTH PROTECT MY BOSOM" "GO CINDERACE USE PYRO BALL" Cinderace destroys Frosmoth, and Gloria continues her march. "here's the badge take it TAKE IT" Melony throws her badge at Gloria, but Gloria's charge doesn't stop until the enormous tits have been squeezed.

CHAPTOUR TWELVE:
"yo CHUMP IN THE MAKING the city's closed fuck off" "you aren't the usual guy" "very astute; city's closed" "the next gym's in there; i can't progress until i get in" "well i guess you can't progress then" "psst hey gloria it's me marnie follow me" Gloria follows Marnie through the side entrance of the town. "INTRUDER ALERT INTRUDER ALERT" "YOU WILL NEVER BEAT THIS GYM!!! ONLY MARNIE WILL BE ALLOWED TO BEAT THIS GYM!!!" "why though" "marnie is so cute cuddly LOVE HER want her to ride me all day warm hair so cute so amazing love her need her marnie!!!" "uh-" "here are five facts about marnie!!! 1: marnie is a human!!! 2: she's cute!!! 3: i love her!!! 4: marnie!!!" By the time the member of Team Yell finished his statements, however, Gloria was gone and off to face the gym leader.
"♫you've done well to make it this far challenger, but you don't stand a chance against MY REGULAR-SIZED POKéMON!!! GO OBSTAGOON♫" "go cinderace use double kick" Cinderace kicks Obstagoon a few times, winning Gloria her seventh badge.

CHAPTOUR THIRTEEN:
"yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING raihan is the final gym leader he uses dragon-types mostly so go get him" "i believe i will" Gloria enters the stadium, no puzzle standing in her way. "you've done well to make it this far challenger, but you don't stand a chance against MY DYNAMAX DURALUDON" "what the fuck is that thing even supposed to be" "it's a dragon/steel Pokémon" "it looks like some kind of weird stapler" "w-well-" "you're telling me that the strongest gym leader in all galar fights with a STAPLER" "you can laugh all you want, but remember that every challenge you've faced so far has also been conquered by this stapler" "that just makes the gym challenge seem even more pathetic" Gloria's Cinderace destroys Raihan's stapler, earning her the final badge.

CHAPTOUR FOURTEEN:
"yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING it's time for the league semifinals where you will face off against the best of the challengers, such as hau" "i find it hard to believe that hau would be the cream of any crop"
"AND OUR FIRST MATCH OF THE DAY IS GLORIA VS MARNIE" "MARNIE MARNIE MARNIE" "I HAVE JUST BEEN HANDED A SLIP OF PAPER WITH FIVE FACTS ABOUT MARNIE!!! 1: MARNIE IS A HUMAN!!! 2: SHE'S CUTE!!! 3: I LOVE HER!!! 4: MARNIE!!!" "WOOH MARNIE" "AND UH THE MATCH IS ALREADY OVER GLORIA WINS" "BOOOOO" "SHE CHEATED" "MARNIE WOULD NEVER LOSE IN A FAIR FIGHT" "I WANT MARNIE TO SIT ON ME"
"AND OUR FINAL MATCH OF THE DAY IS GLORIA VS HAU" "i always knew it would be us in the finals gloria" "seriously how fucking bad was everyone else in this tournament" "but now i will put MY HEART AND SOUL INTO THIS BATTLE!!! GO RILLABOOM" "go cinderace use pyro ball" "A SUPER-EFFECTIVE HIT?! ARCEUS HIMSELF COULDN'T HAVE DONE ANY BETTER!!!"

CHAPTOUR FIFTEEN:
Leon and Chairman Rose stand atop a tower. "leon something terrible is going to happen a thousand years from now so tomorrow i'm going to do something drastic to prevent it" "uh tomorrow's the championship match" "your point?" "everyone has been looking forward to it all year" "listen leon a thousand years from now something terrible is going to happen; none of you will be alive then so YOU DON'T FUCKING MATTER; WE'RE DOING THIS TOMORROW AND THAT'S FINAL" "no you BLITHERING RETARD; the people one thousand years from now are the ones that don't fucking matter" "how dare you" "if the bad thing is happening a thousand years from now, it can wait one extra fucking day" "FUCK OFF YOU STUPID FUCKING FAGGOT; I'M THE CHAIRMAN, THAT MEANS I'M MORE IMPORTANT AND THAT MEANS I'M RIGHT" "let's put it to a vote then" "a VOTE?! THAT'S RIDICULOUS; THE FATE OF THE WORLD SHOULDN'T COME DOWN TO A VOTE" "whatever happened to 'we the people'?! if we the people don't give a single shit about the terrible thing a thousand years from now, then so fucking be it" Leon and Chairman Rose bicker back and forth about climate change or whatever for hours and hours.

CHAPTOUR SIXTEEN:
"WELCOME TO THE FINALS TOURNAMENT BETWEEN GLORIA AND SEVEN OF THE EIGHT GYM LEADERS TODAY WILL BE-wait uh looks like SOMEONE'S GRANDMOTHER HAS WANDERED ONTO THE FIELD" "psst gloria it's me bede" "oh hey granny what's up" "i want a rematch" "oh cool i'm up for it" "thanks GO HATTERENE" "..." "..." "dude granny that's gross" "what" "COVER THE CHILDREN'S EYES FOLKS; THE GRANNY HAS SUMMONED A GIGANTIC PHALLUS ONTO THE FIELD" "wha-no it's an elegant fairy-type-" Stadium security escorts Bede off the field, and detains the penis creature.
Gloria fights her way through the finals, defeating three of the same gym leaders she already fought, including the guy whose ace Pokémon was a stapler.

CHAPTOUR SEVENTEEN:
"AND HERE WE ARE FOLKS, THE CHAMPION MATCH OH HOW WE HAVE AWAITED-" "hey everyone it's me chairman rose so uh i just caused the apocalypse accidentally at the worst possible time bye" Gloria's eyes narrow in frustration. She, Leon, and Hau go off and avert the apocalypse or whatever.
"AND HERE WE ARE FOLKS, AGAIN, THE CHAMPION MATCH OH HOW WE HAVE AWAITED THIS DAY TWICE NOW" "i!!!, the UNDEFEATED CHAMPION!!!, LEON!!!, am going to absolutely humiliate this girl!!!" "there will be humiliation today, but it won't be me who is humiliated GO CINDERACE use pyro ball" "A SUPER-EFFECTIVE MOVE?! i!!!, LEON!!!, the UNDEFEATED CHAMPION!!!, applaud your skill!!!" Gloria's level 100 Cinderace absolutely slaughters Leon's team. "i!!!, the DEFEATED EX-CHAMPION!!!, LEON!!!, concede to you good job"

HALL OF FAME:
Cinderace (level 100)
Vulpix (level 100)
Lampent (level 100)
Centiscorch (level 100)
Eternatus (level 65)

CHAPTOUR EIGHTEEN:
"hey gloria it's me how about another battle" "hau i-fine whatever go cinderace" "GO RILLABOOM" "use pyro ball" "..." "..." "what" "are you going to applaud me for using a super-effective move or whatever" "gloria you're champion now that would just be patronising" Gloria stares at Hau with nothing but contempt in her eyes.
"hallo children ve are die princes of galar" "uh hello" "hallochen nice svord und shield sie've got zere" "um thanks" "das yoink" "hey give those back they belong to the legendary Pokémon we may or may not have glossed over previously" "but sie were just carelessly tossed on die ground like trash" "the shield was hung on a stone and the sword was planted in a recepticle made specifically for it" "irrelevant" "how-" "if sie want inhen back so badly dann battle us for inhen" "i believe i shall; GO CINDERACE" "go die farfetch'd" Gloria's Cinderace sweeps through the prince's team. "fine take die shield but mein bruder has won his battle against ihre friend zere so auf wiedersehen to sie both" The princely brothers run off. "HAU YOU WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT" "yeah i know i'm sorry"

CHAPTOUR NINETEEN:
"und now it is time to reveal die final phase of unsere plan" "oh do tell" "since mein bruder und ich are no longer revered as kings of galar, unsere vill make it so die dogs sie revere instead are to be treated as die criminals" "that's a pretty good plan; what's the next step" "observe" The brother holds his artefact high into the sky, summoning the legendary dog. He then begins hucking starbits at it until it gets mad. The dog lunges forward to attack the brother. "um ich have just realised die flaw in unsere plan" "BAD DOG SIT" The dog does as it's told. "SIE HAS SAVED UNS FROM DIE DOG OF DEATH!!! SIE WILL BE REVERED AS DIE TRUE KING OF GALAR!!!" The brothers lift Gloria onto their shoulders and march her all around Galar. Gloria decides to just go with it.
THE END