Pokémon VolcanicRuby and TidalSapphire [OLD VERSION]

The third entry in the Pokémon series, after Pokémon InfernoRed and OceanBlue, and Pokémon GlitteringGold and ShimmeringSilver

CHAPTOUR ONE:
"may honey we're here; our new home in hoenn!!! go upstairs and set your clock" "okay what time is it" "how should i know?! that's what a clock is for!!!" "..." "..." May sighs as she goes upstairs and fiddles with the hands on the clock. "now go nextdoor and introduce yourself to the neighbours dear" "can do" May exits her house, and walks into the house nextdoor. "hello my name is may i just moved in nextdoor" "oh nice i'm mrs birch and this is my son brendan" "hi what region did you move here from" "johto" "oh uh forgive me if i don't give you our phone number"
"HELP HELP" May rushes out to the edge of Littleroot Town, and sees Professor Birch running away from a Zigzagoon, frightened. "MISS PLEASE GRAB A POKéMON FROM MY BAG AND HELP ME FEND OFF THIS VISCIOUS CREATURE" "CAN DO" May rummages through Professor Birch's bag and finds three Pokeballs. "oh this chicken guy is kind of cute and this lizard boy is cool hmm" "MISS PLEASE HURRY" "OH WOW THIS ONE IS SO CUTE!!! GO MUDKIP" Using her new Mudkip, May swiftly defeats the Zigzagoon. "oh thanks miss!!! you go ahead and keep that mudkip" "thanks!!!" "you're the new neighbour right? well you should go be friends with my son brendan; he coincidentally has the starter that is super effective to yours" "goddammit"
"hey brendan we should be friends" "okay and you know what friends do?! BATTLE POKéMON" Brendan snaps his fingers, and a gaggle of trumpet players pops out from behind the bushes and starts playing the rival battle theme. "GO TREECKO" "GO MUDKIP" Thanks to the grinding on Route 101, Mudkip is easily able to take out Brendan's Treecko. "hmm maybe i needed more trumpets"

CHAPTOUR TWO:
May enters Petalburg City, where her father is working as a gym leader. "hey hey check it out i got a Pokémon his name is mudkip" "oh uh i was hoping you'd get a cool Pokémon like slaking" "well uh-" "EXCUSE ME" A young sickly boy enters the gym. "excuse me my name is wally and i'm leaving forever and i wanted to catch a Pokémon so they told me to come see you" "oh yeah totally; take this and go out and catch yourself a Pokémon!!! i saw some slakoths over in petalburg woods!!!" "oh thanks" "may go with that boy and make sure he catches a COOL Pokémon like slakoth and not some nerdy Pokémon with a bowl cut" May sighs and goes with Wally to catch him a Pokémon. "oh MAN that one with the bowl cut is PERFECT" "uh-" "POKéBALL GO" Wally hucks the ball at the Pokémon and catches it easily. "oh boy oh boy my very own ralts" "may, what the FUCK was that" "i tried but before i could say anything the ball was in the air" "that was a WASTE of a perfectly good Pokéball!!! get out of my sight and don't come back until you beat flannery in lavaridge town" "okay" May mopes away from Petalburg, lamenting her oddly specific punishment.

CHAPTOUR THREE:
May enters the Petalburg Woods, catching five Slakoths so that maybe her father will be proud of her for once. "HELP HELP MY GOODS NOOOOOOO" May rushes over to the sound of the cry for help, and sees a man in a suit being accosted by a man in a striped shirt. "we of TEAM AQUA are going to steal those goods!!!" "not if i can help it!!!" "oh yeah?! GO POOCHYENA" "GO MARSHTOMP" May's Marshtomp makes short work of the Poochyena. "damn that's all i've got" The Team Aqua grunt makes a hastly retreat. "oh thank you trainer" The man toots a victory tune on his trumpet.
May enters Rustboro City, where Roxanne's gym sits. "yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING do you dream big?! do you wanna be the very best like NO ONE ever was?!" "FUCK YEAH" "good then listen well: roxanne uses rock-types" "hello trainer i am roxanne and i am looking forward to a fair and balanced battle" "oh wow nice GO MARSHTOMP" "..." "..." "just take the damn badge"

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
"NOOOOOOO NOT MY GOODS" "again?!" "MAY listen may may may i need you to retrieve my goods for me" "okay okay" May heads east in the direction the robber fled. "NOOOOOOOOO NOT MY PEEKO WROAAAAAAR PEEKO" May is taken aback. She had heard of Peekochus, but as they were not native to Johto, she has never actually seen one. Excitedly, May sprints into the cave. "damn and blast i thought this wingull would work as a hostage but i should have realised no one would care about such a gutter trash Pokémon!!! i mean he even named it peeko after that peekochu fella" "just give me the goods" "NEVER" The Team Aqua grunt sends out Poochyena, which is swiftly defeated by Marshtomp. "fine here you go"
"thank you so much for recovering our goods may now we are at a crossroads" "a crossroads?" "either i can send this stooge to slateport, whereupon he will get robbed several times forcing you to save him again and again, OR you could take the package to slateport yourself" "..." "..." "fine whatever" "GREAT also could you stop off in dewford town and deliver this letter for me also thanks"

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
May heads back through Petalburg Woods to reach Mr. Briny's shack. "oh miss!!! i never thanked you before for saving my darling peeko!!! thank you so much!!! there are only three things i need in life; my darling wingull peeko, the sea, and, of course, trumpets!!!"" "yeah uh could you sail me to dewford town" "of course!!! ANCHORS AWEIGH"
May soon arrives in Dewford Town, where Brawly's gym is. "hey yo yo YO have you heard of what's hip and happening now?! everyone is talking about THIRSTY BLOCK!!!" "really? i've never heard of it" "WHAT?! you've never heard of THIRSTY BLOCK?! pfft you must be living in some backwater region like johto or something" May's anger reaches critical levels; her Johtoan pride has been tested ever since she entered Hoenn, but this is the last straw. "YOU WOULDN'T KNOW HIP AND HAPPENING IF IT HAPPENED ALL OVER YOUR STUPID FACE" "oh pfft what's hip and happening where you're from? COVET ENTERTAINING? don't make me laugh" May makes sure her COVET ENTERTAINING undershirt isn't showing. "for your information, the hottest of the hip and hippest of the happening in my hometown is" May looks around desperately for something to say. "ROMANTIC ENCYCLOPEDIA" The boy is taken aback. "uh y-yeah ROMANTIC ENCYCLOPEDIA is totally the hottest of cool!!! i was just testing you before!!! THIRSTY BLOCK? pfft who even cares about that"
"i collect official ROMANTIC ENCYCLOPEDIA licensed merchandise!!! i have official ROMANTIC ENCYCLOPEDIA dolls, official ROMANTIC ENCYCLOPEDIA brand clothing, and even official ROMANTIC ENCYCLOPEDIA picture books!!!" "if you and me team up as a combo, we'll be invincible when it comes to all things ROMANTIC ENCYCLOPEDIA!!!" "spot on, my friend!!! we shall be the ROMANTIC ENCYCLOPEDIA DUO!!!" "across the sea, is ROMANTIC ENCYCLOPEDIA even more popular?!" "yes, infinitely" "i'm studying up on the hip and trendy ROMANTIC ENCYCLOPEDIA now!!! is it true that there's a deep link between ROMANTIC ENCYCLOPEDIA and FESTIVAL???" "uh totally" "hey hey may have you seen this cool painting here?! it's by leonardo da vinci!!! it's called the last ROMANTIC ENCYCLOPEDIA" "i hope arceus can forgive me for what i've done"

CHAPTOUR SIX:
"yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING brawly uses fighting-types" "uh could someone turn on a light" "NO" May sighs as she walks further and further into the gym, bumping into wall after wall. "hello trainer my name is brawly i hope we can have a RADICAL match" "uh sure GO MARSHTOMP" "GO MAKUHITA" May's overleveled Marshtomp destroys Brawly's Makuhita. "bogus" May receives her badge and returns to Mr. Briny to head for Slateport. "while we are sailing allow me to tell you about my peeko!!!" "uh okay" "peeko is so cute cuddly LOVE IT want to ride it all day warm feathers so cute so amazing love it need it peeko!!!" "uh-" "here are five facts about peeko!!! 1: peeko is a Pokémon!!! 2: she's cute!!! 3: i love her!!! 4: peeko!!!" "uh nice dude"
May arrives in Slateport City, ready to deliver the Devon goods. "hey nice goods; give them to captain stern over at the museum and be sure to BOW when you see him" "what" "sorry just a ship joke" May heads to the museum, and pays the fifty Pokémon Fun Bux entry fee. "here you go dude" "oh thanks how'd you know i love goods" "STOP RIGHT THERE AND HAND OVER THE GOODS" "no thanks" "please?" "no way dude" "darn" Team Aqua leaves the museum, deflated.

CHAPTOUR SEVEN:
May heads north to Mauville City, where Wattson's gym is. "yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING wattson uses electric-types" "hello trainer i'm wattson i hope you like all the arcing electricity around" "yes, very safe GO MARSHTOMP" "..." "..." "just take the damn badge"
May continues north, all the way through a volcanic cave and an ash-soaked field to Fallarbour Town. She then leaves because there is nothing there, and ends up in Meteor Falls. "we, TEAM MAGMA, will now be taking that meteorite!!!" "noooooo not my meteorite!!!" "later loser" "PLEASE TRAINER get back for me my meteorite!!!" "okay" May continues through the falls, leaps down a ledge, and ends up back in Rustboro. "FUCK" After backtracking all the way back to Mauvile, May boards a cable car and heads to the top of the volcano.
"now, i, MAXIE, will cast this meteorite into the fiery volcano below!!!" "uh boss volcanoes aren't fiery; magma and fire aren't the same thing" "whatever the point is i am going to throw the rock into the volcano causing it to erupt and expand the landmass!!!" "wait what how does that even work" "IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I AM GOING TO STOP YOU" "oh you're that girl who has been pestering team aqua well no matter; you will never defeat MY POOCHYENA" May's Swampert defeats Maxie's Poochyena without breaking a sweat. "dammit"

CHAPTOUR EIGHT:
May climbs down the volcano, and ends up in Lavaridge Town, home to Flannery's gym. "yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING flannery uses fire-types" "PUNY TRAINER I AM FLANNERY AND I WILL DESTROY YOU" "doubt it GO SWAMPERT" "..." "..." "just take the damn badge"
Having completed the task her father set before her, May returns to Petalburg, triumphant and ready to take on the gym. "yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING norman uses normal-types" "norman?! i always just called him daddy" "ah may you have finally arrived send out your Pokémon!!!" "GO SWAMPERT" "tsk tsk i knew you'd disappoint me by choosing a loser Pokémon; well as your father it is my job to learn you good AND LEARN YOU I SHALL GO SLAKING" May's level 50 Swampert slaughters all fifty of Norman's Slakings. "wha-WHAT HAVE YOU DONE" Single tears rapidly stream down Norman's face, mourning his Slakings. May grabs her badge and beats a hasty retreat.

CHAPTOUR NINE:
Unable to return home, May makes the long trek up to Fortree Town. "excuse me can i get through here" "NO ONE GETS PAST UNTIL TEAM AQUA IS DONE AT THE WEATHER INSTITUTE" "you do realise that if you let me pass, i'll leave you alone but if you continue to block my path, i'll ruin your plans right" "NO ONE GETS PAST" May sighs and enters the Weather Institute. "a ha ha!!! now we will use the weather machine here to make it rain for forty days and for forty nights and flood the world!!!" "uh miss you seem to be mistaken about what it is we do here; we just make castforms" The scientist produces a small Castform from his pocket. "what does THAT do" "oh oh check it out" The scientist pours a cup of water onto Castform, turning it into its rainy form. Next, he sticks Castform in the freezer to turn it into its icy form. He then sticks Castform in the microwave, turning it into its sunny form. "are you sure it's okay to just stick it in a microwave like that" "THAT'S WHAT SCIENCE IS ABOUT!!! PUSHING THE BOUNDARIES!!!" "fair enough"
May finally makes her way to Fortree Town, where Winona's gym sits. Unfortunately, there is an invisible barrier blocking her entry. "typical" May continues down the path and runs into Steven. "BEHOLD with this DEVON SCOPE you can do the impossible!!! see the invisible!!!" "ROW ROW FIGHT THE POWER" "what" "sorry i thought that's where you were going with this" "anyway, use this scope to get into the gym; later"
"yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING winona uses flying-types" "what do turnstiles have to do with flying-types" "well, they have them at airports i guess" "hello trainer i am winona i hope our battle will be good" "same; GO SWAMPERT" "GO ALTARIA" May handily defeats Winona's Pokémon with her overleveled Swampert, and receives the badge.

CHAPTOUR TEN:
May enters Lilycove City, the home of Hoenn's only contest hall. "are you here for contests?!" "uh-" "come on in come on in we've got to get you fixed up and out of that weird outfit what are you doing in that battling gyms?! pfft as if!!! you're destined for more!!! welcome to the world of Pokémon contests!!! here take this dress and do something with that ridiculous hair and also what kind of Pokémon you using? swampert oh that'll work well for cool contests so let's slap some sunglasses on you and maybe a leather jacket get rid of that weird bow and get rid of those weird hair things on the side of your head take this and this and that and this and now you're ready!!! go get 'em!!!" Within three minutes and before she could react, May had been stripped down, redressed, restyled, and entered into a Pokémon contest. A cacophony of trumpets sounds for May's entrance. "and here's contestant number four!!! may and her swampert!!!" "oh wow" "so swampy" "remarkable" "and the girl looks real cool!!!" May stands in place, not knowing what to do at all. "PSST miss don't let all my work be for nothing order swampert to use a move!!!" "uh swampert? buddy? use surf" The entire contest hall is flooded, but the water quickly drains away, leaving everyone in the hall soaking wet. "oh wow that was awesome!!!" "remarkable!!!" "may's swampert is so cool!!!" The crowd begins cheering May's name as the judges pin a ribbon onto her. Before May can take anything in, she's back in the lobby. "oh that was great please come back and visit us again also here's your clothes back and uh the rest of your hair too i guess? i don't have any use for it but you might i don't know come again!!!"

CHAPTOUR ELEVEN:
Next, May climbs to the top of Mount Pyre, where Archie and Team Aqua are stealing an ancient artefact. "A HA HA with THIS, the RED ORB, i will finally be able to control the BLUE CREATURE living in the BLUE OCEAN!!!" "uh boss-" "QUIET can't you see i am celebrating?!" Archie and Team Aqua use escape ropes, and retreat down the mountain just before May reaches the summit. "oh it's horrible oh it's awful you've got to get back our red orb and also our blue orb which was stolen by a different gang for similar reasons"
May enters Team Aqua's hideout, and sneaks through until she's caught by the admin from the Weather Institute. "A HA WE'VE CAUGHT YOU hey you look different; let me guess, you went into the contest hall?" "yeah" "oh man those people are so pushy!!! i used to be a pale lady with poofy ginger hair but i entered the contest hall and before i knew it i had a tan and scoopy black hair still better than what happened to that team magma girl; she hasn't been quite right ever since like they turned her into a robot or something" "yeah those contest ladies are scary" "a ha HA you spent so long bonding with and relating to shelly that we have gotten the submarine ready!!!" "oh dammit"

CHAPTOUR TWELVE:
May surfs to the east, ending up on Mossdeep Island, home of a gym and NASA. "yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING this gym uses locomotion panels!!! uh take one of these" May's gym friend hands her some dramamine. May takes a pill and steps onto the locomotion panels, spinning and careening over to the gym leaders, Tate and Liza. "ah challenger you've come at-" May violently throws up on both Tate and Liza. "..." "..." "just take the damn badge"
"hey we're team magma and we're here to steal rocket fuel!!!" "why" "..." "..." "we need it for our submarine!!!" "team aqua stole the submarine not you" "oh right" Magma admin Tabitha begins to sweat profusely. "well i still want it so prepare to battle!!! GO POOCHYENA" "GO SWAMPERT" May swiftly and soundly defeats Team Magma. "okay okay we'll leave" "oh may you've saved us how can we ever thank you" "do you have space-age technology that can reattach this to my head" May holds out the pile of hair she'd been carrying around since Lilycove. "oh totally that's child's play" The rocket scientist pulls out a glue stick. His plan works flawlessly.
"WHAT WHAT DO YOU MEAN USING THE RED ORB ON THE BLUE CREATURE IN THE BLUE OCEAN ONLY MADE IT MAD" "WHAT WHAT DO YOU MEAN USING THE BLUE ORB ON THE RED CREATURE IN THE RED VOLCANO ONLY MADE IT MAD" "listen, may, you need to go and find rayquaza; he is the only guy who can stop this madness" "can't i just huck a master ball at one of them then throw ultra balls at the other for an hour or ten" "no that's a stupid idea; my idea of sending a teenager to bicycle up a crumbling tower to tell a green dragon to get off his ass and help is a MUCH more sensible plan" May sighs, and ascends the crumbling tower to find Rayquaza, who goes and puts Groudon and Kyogre into time out.

CHAPTOUR THIRTEEN:
"so you're telling me the only way to get to the city with the final gym is to dive deep underwater, find the underwater entrance, and surface all before running out of air" "yes" "have you ever heard of decompression sickness" "nope" May sighs and dives deep underneath the water, before resurfacing in Sootopolis City. "of course it would be my Pokéball throwing-elbow that gets the bends of course of course"
"yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING juan uses water-types" "i'm honestly surprised that every gym in hoenn wasn't water-type" "hello trainer i am juan i hope our match will be elegant and also enjoyable" "same here GO SWAMPERT" May winds up with her left arm, as her right elbow is in pain from the decompression, and hucks her Pokéball right into Juan's face. "that's an unconventional tactic" "SORRY JUAN" May's level 100 Swampert absolutely destroys Juan's team, earning her the final badge of the Hoenn region.

CHAPTOUR FOURTEEN:
May climbs the Ever Grande waterfall and makes it through Victory Road, in spite of the darkness. At the end, Wally appears. "MAY i have to thank you for helping me to catch my Pokémon BUT THAT KINDNESS WILL BE YOUR DOWNFALL; ONLY ONE OF US CAN BECOME CHAMPION AND IT SHALL BE ME, WALLY; GO GALLADE" "GO SWAMPERT" May's Swampert absolutely destroys Wally's Gallade. "damn you but i will be back!!! someday!!!"
Finally, May makes it to the Hoenn Pokémon League building. "yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING good luck" "thank you, my friend, for never abandonning me even in my darkest hour" "no problem bro" May swiftly defeats Sidney, Phoebe, Glacia, and Drake, leaving only the champion remaining. "hello may; the champion is i, STEVEN" "OH RIGHT steven i've got a letter for you" May finally delivers the letter the Devon president had asked her to get to Steven. "oh it's an invitation to my little brother's birthday party!!! how nic-" Steven pauses as he reads the date of the birthday party. "may, the birthday party was last week" "yeah uh i kind of forgot to give this to you earlier sorry" "i've failed my brother" Several single tears quickly stream down Steven's face, full of sorrow. Another man walks up, nervously laughing, and pushes Steven aside. "since steven is unable to battle, i, ACTING CHAMPION WALLACE, will take his place!!!" "oh what kind of Pokémon do you use" "water-type" "don't know why i expected any different" May and Wallace battle and battle, but May's overleveled Swampert completely outclasses Wallace's team. A blaring victorious trumpet melody plays from behind May, played by Professor Birch. "may i'm sorry i'm late all the trumpet stores were fresh out of stock!!! but i knew your victory tune couldn't be played on just any trumpet!!!" "uh thanks i don't especially care for trumpets though" Everyone in the room reels back in shock. "don't even joke about such things" "i wasn-" Wallace covers May's mouth and drags her to the back room. "just drop it for your own sake; hoenn will never accept a champion who doesn't love trumpets" "sigh"

HALL OF FAME:
Swampert (level 100)
Slakoth (level 5)
Slakoth (level 5)
Slakoth (level 5)
Slakoth (level 5)
Slakoth (level 5)

CHAPTOUR FIFTEEN:
"okay so champion may we've got a problem" "is the trumpet store out of stock again" "no no nothing THAT bad; a meteor is hurtling toward hoenn and will kill us all" "oh dear but at least we've got plenty of trumpets" "totally but we have developed a button we can press to warp the meteor off somewhere else!!! i just need your permission to press it" "press that shit" "NO STOP what if like there's another hoenn somewhere and the meteor gets warped THERE?!" "oh well-" "don't let her dumb bullshit distract you, science man; what if that alternate hoenn is one where no one likes trumpets" The science man gasps in horror and mashes the fuck out of the button. "NOOOOO THE ALTERNATE HOENN!!! YOU DESTROYED IT!!!" "sounds to me like we've got a trumpet-hater in the house" "GUARDS SEIZE HER" "wha-" The space station guards grab Zinnia and drag her off to a cell, where she will be executed for her crimes against Hoenn.
THE END