Teh Forum RPG [Remake] [Revised] [Fan Translation]

CHAPTOUR ONE:
"jesus fucking christ will this rice famine ever fucking end" "ore know right" "the annual riceball matsuri is tomorrow!!!" "nani" "since when is that a thing" "it's a new thing this year" "oh" "well fuck" "hey ore have an idea" "tell me it" "let's go on a QUEST to take our minds off how one of our most valued traditions will be unfulfilled this year due to elements completely outside our control, but our ancestors will not care and their ghosts will haunt us for the rest of our lives" "fuck yeah" "you know ore am down for that shit my nakama" The three heroes go on a meaningless quest. "oh fuck while we were gone everyone we know and love has been slaughtered" "hey guess nani jakey-kun" "nani" "ore don't care" "you sound mad" "livid, in fact" "hey look it's a note" "0/10" "ore don't see any note" "but it's right h-" "hey look a note" "good find bran-aniki" "NANI THE FUCK GUYS" "jakey-kun stop being mad just because bran-aniki found evidence we can use to advance the plot" "FUCK YOU SERIOUSLY" "don't cry" "IT'S MY RPGBOOT AND ORE WILL CRY IF ORE WANT TO" "the note reads: hello - svart-san" "SVART-SAN" "fucking svart-san" "goddammit svart-san" "wait who is svart-san" "good question" "well we'd better do some research on this subject at our local toshokan" "aw shit yeah; knowledge is power yo" "word up my nakama" The three guys grab some sharp objects and head for the gate, as the nearest toshokan is in the nation's capital, Tokyo. "WAIT" "nani" "our families wouldn't want the annual riceball matsuri to not happen" "oh right" "it's one of our proudest traditions" The three head back to their houses and cook some riceballs. Eif-chan smothers his in butter. Jakey-kun carefully covers his riceballs in vanilla frosting. Bran-aniki chops up the villagers' bodies and puts them in a special soy sauce. "why am ore so hungry" The three leave the village and encounter A DISHONOURABLE AKUTO
battle scene who cares

CHAPTOUR TWO:
"so this is the toshokan" "ore have heard about these things but ore've never been to one" Jakey-kun, Eif-chan, and Bran-aniki enter the toshokan, and see Kathy-chan sitting behind the reception desk, bored out of her mind. "hey we'd like to check out a book about evil guys" "do you have a toshokan card" "a nani" "a card you use to check out books at the toshokan" "uh no" "well ore can't help you until you get one" "how do we do that" "ore hear the glorious emperor has been giving them out" "TO THE CASTLE" The Bran-aniki symbol flashes on-screen. "hey can we see the emperor" "NO" "why not" "he's busy brooding" "TONY-SENPAI" Jakey-kun runs into the castle, chased by Emelyn-chan, who is waving her haneboki at him menacingly. Eif-chan and Bran-aniki reluctantly follow him. "sup tony-senpai" "sup" "how'd you become king anyway" "well it all started when ore found this SUPERIOR NIPPONESE STEEL in a rock then ore found some kind of golden cup in the couch cushions and it just kind of snowballed from there" "that's cool" "hey can ore try it" "ore don't see why not" Tony-senpai gives Bran-aniki his crown. "sweet" "MY LORD I WILL SERVE YOU UNTIL THE END OF TIME" Emelyn-chan bows before her new Lord, King Bran-aniki. "ore'll let you keep it for five yen" "DEAL" Bran-aniki hands Tony-senpai a crisp five yen note. "oh no the city is under attack" "eh it'll pass" Just then, Taylor-sama is sent careening through the castle's window. "hey taylor-sama nani's up" "oh just defending the city from utter annihilation" "oh cool" "nice crown btw" "hey arigatou" "hey look A DISHONURABLE AKUTO"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"OW FUCK ORE'VE SKUN MY KNEE" "OH FUCK" "ore'm not going to make it" "no don't talk li-" "no listen... tell my wife... konichiwa" Taylor-sama passes out. "he's still alive if we hurry we can save him" "TO THE SHERIFU" The Jakey-kun symbol flashes on screen. "sup sheriff antony-san" "hey guys check out my booming soundsystem that would totally drown out the sound of a hypothetical ongoing battle for control of the city" "oh wow that is a sweet soundsystem; hey can we have some peroxide" "ore don't know man it's my last bottle and a qt with a osakan accent wanted me to give it to her to colour her hair and ore was hoping to exchange it for intercourse" "ore'll give you a nickel for it" "deal" "hey taylor-sama we got you peroxide" Jakey-kun pours the entire bottle on Taylor-sama's knee. "NO FUCK I'M ALLERGIC FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK" Taylor-sama's knee heals, then swells up to twice its size. "cool!!! your kicking power has DOUBLED" "..." "..." "ore'm going to die" "we're all going to die taylor-sama" "hey look a cave" "wow look at these ancient cave paintings that will tell us so much about our ancestors!!!" "uh no michelle-kun just drew those in red crayon" "i doubt michelle could have drawn this; it perfectly captures the subtle beauty of the DISHONOURABLE AKUTO"

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
"okay that is the LAST time ore randomly wander into a cave" "hey look a kunren-ba for the akuto we've been facing" "yeah no that sounds like the exact thing we should avoid for our own sakes; don't let the akuto know we're onto them" "great idea taylor-sama i am glad i had it" "yeah good job bran-aniki" The intrepid heroes skirt around the training camp, but are subsequently struck by raitoningu.
"hey hey hey it's pete townshend-senpai" "sup" "listen i borrowed a queen cd from bruce dickinson-aniki and i want to avoid any late fees so could you take it and use my yotto to cross the mizumi to deliver it to his mizumiside cabin" "how did you even fit the yotto in this mizumi" "it's like twice the size of the mizumi" Pete Townshend-senpai shrugs and hands Eif-chan a copy of Hot Space. "i'll just uh put this in my back poketto for safekeeping" The heroes board the yotto and walk to the other end of the mizumi, where they find a takarabako. "hey hey ryakudatsu!!!" "are you sure we should be opening this" "listen taylor-sama we are the heroes it is our sworn duty to crack open every single ryakudatsu we find" "even if it locks us out of getting the best weapon in the game" "spears are for queers anyway" Bran-aniki cracks open the treasure chest, from which a holy light spews forth. Once the light dissipates, all that is left are nude pictures of Taylor-sama's haha. "HEY HEY" Jakey-kun grabs the pictures from Bran-aniki's hand with a "yoink" and runs off. "GET BACK HERE" Taylor-sama chases after Jakey-kun while the rest of heroes head for the cabin. They open the door, only to be ambushed by A DISHONOURABLE KABUTO

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
Jakey-kun wakes up inside of a dark, dank jail cell. Not the 4/20 blaze it kind of dank, either. "how'd ore get here? last thing ore remember ore was running off with those-" Jakey-kun immediately checks his person, but cannot find the nude pictures of Taylor-sama's mother. "GUYS GUYS WAKE UP; CODE TIRU CODE TIRU" "oh fuck not a code tiru!!!" "we've got to get back those nude pictures of taylor-sama's haha before they fall into the wrong hands!!!" "if only we had a way out of this jail cell" The room grows silent. "ORE SAID, 'IF ONLY WE HAD A WAY OUT OF THIS JAIL CELL'" "oh sorry missed my cue" Resistance Leadour-sama picks the lock on the jail cell. "it feels great to actually be able to resist a villainous organisation rather than just naniever for once" "don't get used to it; we are shutting this shit down TONIGHT" "oh um okay" Resistance Leadour-sama hangs her head, dejected. "lo all" Stevman-chan stands imposing at the door to freedom, brandishing a sword made of atsugami. "OH NO" "FUCK FUCK FUCK" "HOLD ME" "oh come on you pansies it's made of fucking paper ore mean shit just grab-" Sheriff Antony-san grabs the atsugami sword, and his hand is immediately devastated by millions of tiny pepakutto. "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY" Sheriff Antony-san collapses to the ground, clutching his wrist. "NO SHERIFF ANTONY-SAN" "HE WAS SO YOUNG" Jakey-kun tearfully walks up to Sheriff Antony-san and grabs his other hand, a single namida streaming down each man's hoho in perfect unison. "ore am so sorry, old nakama; may you find heiwa in the next seikatsu" Jakey-kun pulls out his gun and fires a single bullet between Sheriff Antony-san's eyes, hundreds of single namida flowing from his eyes. A sogi is held shortly thereafter, and everyone attends; from Jakey-kun and Bran-aniki to Bendik-chan and Brucie-sama to Stu-aniki and Jack White-senpai to Gwendolyn-san and Sophia-chan. Not a single dry eye is present as Sheriff Antony-san's kan'oke is lowered into the beautiful haka Valerie-kun had dug. She had made sure it was her finest work, and will be sure to never produce another haka of this quality again. The proceedings are cut short, however, when the gyoretsu is machibuse by A DISHONOURABLE AKUTO

CHAPTOUR SIX:
"they will PAY for nani they did to sheriff antony-san's funeral" "yeah they even ruined the keki" Eif-chan motions to a crushed keki surrounded by disappointed sogi-goers. Valerie-kun in particular is kaimetsu-tekina at how her finest haka's kioku will always be tainted by the machibuse and destroyed keki. "for sheriff antony-sama, and all of them, we've got to shinjun suru the villain's honkyochi!!!" "well that's all good but how will we find it" "maybe it's that building over there with the sign that says 'svart-san's honkyochi'" "ore doubt it but we can check" The heroes approach the building, where they find five doors. "so like" "yeah" "there are five doors" "yeah" "they're labeled 'meat grinder', 'throne room', 'advance the plot room', 'room where i keep my diary', and 'swirling vortex of infinite torment'" "ore think our course of action is obvious" "fuck yeah" The heroes enter the Swirling Vortex of Infinite Torment. "ow my innards" "oh god SEVERAL DISHONOURABLE AKUTO"

CHAPTOUR SEVEN:
"sup guys" "hey svart-san" "wanna play gitā hīrō 3 rejendo obu rokku" "fuck yeah" The friends play gitā hīrō 3 rejendo obu rokku, and never fight again. Then Michelle-kun's like "Ie made tsurete kaette kudasai"
OWARI