Teh Forum RPG [Remake] [Revised]

CHAPTOUR ONE:
"jesus fucking christ will this tomato famine ever fucking end" "i know right" "the annual spaghetti festival is tomorrow!!!" "what" "since when is that a thing" "it's a new thing this year" "oh" "well fuck" "hey i have an idea" "tell me it" "let's go on a QUEST to take our minds off how one of our most valued traditions will be unfulfilled this year due to elements completely outside our control, but our ancestors will not care and their ghosts will haunt us for the rest of our lives" "fuck yeah" "you know i'm down for that shit homie" The three heroes go on a meaningless quest. "oh fuck while we were gone everyone we know and love has been slaughtered" "hey guess what jakey" "what" "i don't care" "you sound mad" "livid, in fact" "hey look it's a note" "0/10" "i don't see any note" "but it's right h-" "hey look a note" "good find bran" "WHAT THE FUCK GUYS" "jakey stop being mad just because bran found evidence we can use to advance the plot" "FUCK YOU SERIOUSLY" "don't cry" "IT'S MY RPGBOOT AND I'LL CRY IF I WANT TO" "the note reads: hello - svart" "SVART" "fucking svart" "goddammit svart" "wait who is svart" "good question" "well we'd better do some research on this subject at our local library" "aw shit yeah; knowledge is power yo" "word up my nigga" The three guys grab some sharp objects and head for the gate, as the nearest library is in the nation's capital, Boston. "WAIT" "what" "our families wouldn't want the annual spaghetti festival to not happen" "oh right" "it's one of our proudest traditions" The three head back to their houses and cook some spaghetti. Eif smothers his in butter. Jakey carefully covers his spaghetti in vanilla frosting. Bran chops up the villagers' bodies and puts them in a special meat sauce. "why am i so hungry" The three leave the village and encounter A HARLEQUIN FOETUS CLONE
Jakey grabs the harlequin foetus clone by the head, and drives his knee into its face, sending it staggering back. Eif backflips over the harlequin foetus clone, and stabs it in the chest. Eif kicks the harlequin foetus clone off of his sword, sending it flying through the air, where Bran kicks it higher into the air, chucking his sword into its head. Bran rolls out of the way, allowing Jakey to backflip and land on the harlequin foetus clone, pulling out the sword in its head. Jakey takes both swords and slices the harlequin foetus clone in half. "welp" "shouldn't we get some powers now" "we already got those" "but-" "fuck off" "hey look he was created by some guy called 'svart'" "could that be the same svart who burnt down the village?!" "..." "..." "THAT IS A STUPID IDEA AND YOU ARE STUPID FOR HAVING IT"

CHAPTOUR TWO:
"so this is the library" "i've heard about these things but i've never been to one" Jakey, Eif, and Bran enter the library, and see Kathy sitting behind the reception desk, bored out of her mind. "hey we'd like to check out a book about evil guys" "do you have a library card" "a what" "a card you use to check out books at the library" "uh no" "well i can't help you until you get one" "how do we do that" "i hear the king's been giving them out" "TO THE CASTLE" The Bran symbol flashes on-screen. "hey can we see the king" "NO" "why not" "he's busy brooding" "TONY" Jakey runs into the castle, chased by Emelyn, who is waving her featherduster at him menacingly. Eif and Bran reluctantly follow him. "sup tony" "sup" "how'd you become king anyway" "well it all started when i found this neat sword in a rock then i found some kind of golden cup in the couch cushions and it just kind of snowballed from there" "that's cool" "hey can i try it" "i don't see why not" Tony gives Bran his crown. "sweet" "MY LORD I WILL SERVE YOU UNTIL THE END OF TIME" Emelyn bows before her new Lord, King Bran. "i'll let you keep it for five bucks" "DEAL" Bran hands Tony a crisp five Alabama Fun Bux note. "oh no the city is under attack" "eh it'll pass" Just then, Taylor is sent careening through the castle's window. "hey taylor what's up" "oh just defending the city from utter annihilation" "oh cool" "nice crown btw" "hey thanks" "hey look A HARLEQUIN FOETUS CLONE"
Jakey grabs the harlequin foetus clone by the head, and drives his knee into its face, sending it staggering back. Eif backflips over the harlequin foetus clone, and stabs it in the chest. Eif kicks the harlequin foetus clone off of his sword, sending it flying through the air, where Bran kicks it higher into the air, chucking his sword into its head. Bran rolls out of the way, allowing Jakey to backflip and land on the harlequin foetus clone, pulling out the sword in its head. Jakey takes both swords and slices the harlequin foetus clone in half. "welp" "shouldn't we get some powers now" "we already got those" "but-" "fuck off" "hey look he was created by some guy called 'svart'" "could that be the same svart who burnt down the village?!" "..." "..." "THAT IS A STUPID IDEA AND YOU ARE STUPID FOR HAVING IT"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"OW FUCK I'VE SKUN MY KNEE" "OH FUCK" "i'm not going to make it" "no don't talk li-" "no listen... tell my wife... hello" Taylor passes out. "he's still alive if we hurry we can save him" "TO THE SHERIFF" The Jakey symbol flashes on screen. "sup sheriff antony" "hey guys check out my booming soundsystem that would totally drown out the sound of a hypothetical ongoing battle for control of the city" "oh wow that is a sweet soundsystem; hey can we have some peroxide" "i don't know man it's my last bottle and a qt with a mojavistanian accent wanted me to give it to her to colour her hair and i was hoping to exchange it for intercourse" "i'll give you a nickel for it" "deal" "hey taylor we got you peroxide" Jakey pours the entire bottle on Taylor's knee. "NO FUCK I'M ALLERGIC FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK" Taylor's knee heals, then swells up to twice its size. "cool!!! your kicking power has DOUBLED" "..." "..." "i'm going to die" "we're all going to die taylor" "hey look a cave" "wow look at these ancient cave paintings that will tell us so much about our ancestors!!!" "uh no michelle just drew those in red crayon" "i doubt michelle could have drawn this; it perfectly captures the subtle beauty of the HARLEQUIN FOETUS CLONE"
Jakey grabs the harlequin foetus clone by the head, and drives his knee into its face, sending it staggering back. Eif backflips over the harlequin foetus clone, and stabs it in the chest. Eif kicks the harlequin foetus clone off of his sword, sending it flying through the air, where Bran kicks it higher into the air, chucking his sword into its head. Bran rolls out of the way, allowing Jakey to backflip and land on the harlequin foetus clone, pulling out the sword in its head. Jakey takes both swords and slices the harlequin foetus clone in half. "welp" "shouldn't we get some powers now" "we already got those" "but-" "fuck off" "hey look he was created by some guy called 'svart'" "could that be the same svart who burnt down the village?!" "..." "..." "THAT IS A STUPID IDEA AND YOU ARE STUPID FOR HAVING IT"

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
"okay that is the LAST time i randomly wander into a cave" "hey look a training ground for the bad guys we've been facing" "yeah no that sounds like the exact thing we should avoid for our own sakes; don't let the bad guys know we're onto them" "great idea taylor i am glad i had it" "yeah good job bran" The intrepid heroes skirt around the training camp, but are subsequently struck by lightning.
"hey hey hey it's pete townshend" "sup" "listen i borrowed a queen cd from bruce dickinson and i want to avoid any late fees so could you take it and use my yacht to cross the lake to deliver it to his lakeside cabin" "how did you even fit the yacht in this lake" "it's like twice the size of the lake" Pete Townshend shrugs and hands Eif a copy of Hot Space. "i'll just uh put this in my back pocket for safekeeping" The heroes board the yacht and walk to the other end of the lake, where they find a treasure chest. "hey hey loot!!!" "are you sure we should be opening this" "listen taylor we are the heroes it is our sworn duty to crack open every single treasure chest we find" "even if it locks us out of getting the best weapon in the game" "spears are for queers anyway" Bran cracks open the treasure chest, from which a holy light spews forth. Once the light dissipates, all that is left are nude pictures of Taylor's mother. "HEY HEY" Jakey grabs the pictures from Bran's hand with a "yoink" and runs off. "GET BACK HERE" Taylor chases after Jakey while the rest of heroes head for the cabin. They open the door, only to be ambushed by A HARLEQUIN FOETUS CLONE
Jakey grabs the harlequin foetus clone by the head, and drives his knee into its face, sending it staggering back. Eif backflips over the harlequin foetus clone, and stabs it in the chest. Eif kicks the harlequin foetus clone off of his sword, sending it flying through the air, where Bran kicks it higher into the air, chucking his sword into its head. Bran rolls out of the way, allowing Jakey to backflip and land on the harlequin foetus clone, pulling out the sword in its head. Jakey takes both swords and slices the harlequin foetus clone in half. "welp" "shouldn't we get some powers now" "we already got those" "but-" "fuck off" "hey look he was created by some guy called 'svart'" "could that be the same svart who burnt down the village?!" "..." "..." "THAT IS A STUPID IDEA AND YOU ARE STUPID FOR HAVING IT"

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
Jakey wakes up inside of a dark, dank jail cell. Not the 4/20 blaze it kind of dank, either. "how'd i get here? last thing i remember i was running off with those-" Jakey immediately checks his person, but cannot find the nude pictures of Taylor's mother. "GUYS GUYS WAKE UP; CODE TEAL CODE TEAL" "oh fuck not a code teal!!!" "we've got to get back those nude pictures of taylor's mother before they fall into the wrong hands!!!" "if only we had a way out of this jail cell" The room grows silent. "I SAID, 'IF ONLY WE HAD A WAY OUT OF THIS JAIL CELL'" "oh sorry missed my cue" Resistance Leadour picks the lock on the jail cell. "it feels great to actually be able to resist a villainous organisation rather than just whatever for once" "don't get used to it; we are shutting this shit down TONIGHT" "oh um okay" Resistance Leadour hangs her head, dejected. "lo all" Stevman stands imposing at the door to freedom, brandishing a sword made of cardstock. "OH NO" "FUCK FUCK FUCK" "HOLD ME" "oh come on you pansies it's made of fucking paper i mean shit just grab-" Sheriff Antony grabs the cardstock sword, and his hand is immediately devastated by millions of tiny papercuts. "WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY" Sheriff Antony collapses to the ground, clutching his wrist. "NO SHERIFF ANTONY" "HE WAS SO YOUNG" Jakey tearfully walks up to Sheriff Antony and grabs his other hand, a single tear streaming down each man's cheek in perfect unison. "i am so sorry, old friend; may you find peace in the next life" Jakey pulls out his gun and fires a single bullet between Sheriff Antony's eyes, hundreds of single tears flowing from his eyes. A funeral is held shortly thereafter, and everyone attends; from Jakey and Bran to Bendik and Brucie to Stu and Jack White to Gwendolyn and Sophia. Not a single dry eye is present as Sheriff Antony's casket is lowered into the beautiful grave Valerie had dug. She had made sure it was her finest work, and will be sure to never produce another grave of this quality again. The proceedings are cut short, however, when the procession is ambushed by HARLEQUIN FOETUS CLONES
Jakey grabs the harlequin foetus clone by the head, and drives his knee into its face, sending it staggering back. Eif backflips over the harlequin foetus clone, and stabs it in the chest. Eif kicks the harlequin foetus clone off of his sword, sending it flying through the air, where Bran kicks it higher into the air, chucking his sword into its head. Bran rolls out of the way, allowing Jakey to backflip and land on the harlequin foetus clone, pulling out the sword in its head. Jakey takes both swords and slices the harlequin foetus clone in half. "welp" "shouldn't we get some powers now" "we already got those" "but-" "fuck off" "hey look he was created by some guy called 'svart'" "could that be the same svart who burnt down the village?!" "..." "..." "THAT IS A STUPID IDEA AND YOU ARE STUPID FOR HAVING IT"

CHAPTOUR SIX:
"they will PAY for what they did to sheriff antony's funeral" "yeah they even ruined the cake" Eif motions to a crushed cake surrounded by disappointed funeral-goers. Valerie in particular is devastated at how her finest grave's memory will always be tainted by the attack and destroyed cake. "for sheriff antony, and all of them, we've got to infiltrate the villain's stronghold!!!" "well that's all good but how will we find it" "maybe it's that building over there with the sign that says 'svart's stronghold'" "i doubt it but we can check" The heroes approach the building, where they find five doors. "so like" "yeah" "there are five doors" "yeah" "they're labeled 'meat grinder', 'throne room', 'advance the plot room', 'room where i keep my diary', and 'swirling vortex of infinite torment'" "i think our course of action is obvious" "fuck yeah" The heroes enter the Swirling Vortex of Infinite Torment. "ow my innards" "oh god SEVERAL HARLEQUIN FOETUS CLONES"
Jakey grabs the harlequin foetus clone by the head, and drives his knee into its face, sending it staggering back. Eif backflips over the harlequin foetus clone, and stabs it in the chest. Eif kicks the harlequin foetus clone off of his sword, sending it flying through the air, where Bran kicks it higher into the air, chucking his sword into its head. Bran rolls out of the way, allowing Jakey to backflip and land on the harlequin foetus clone, pulling out the sword in its head. Jakey takes both swords and slices the harlequin foetus clone in half. "welp" "shouldn't we get some powers now" "we already got those" "but-" "fuck off" "hey look he was created by some guy called 'svart'" "could that be the same svart who burnt down the village?!" "..." "..." "THAT IS A STUPID IDEA AND YOU ARE STUPID FOR HAVING IT"
Jakey grabs the harlequin foetus clone by the head, and drives his knee into its face, sending it staggering back. Eif backflips over the harlequin foetus clone, and stabs it in the chest. Eif kicks the harlequin foetus clone off of his sword, sending it flying through the air, where Bran kicks it higher into the air, chucking his sword into its head. Bran rolls out of the way, allowing Jakey to backflip and land on the harlequin foetus clone, pulling out the sword in its head. Jakey takes both swords and slices the harlequin foetus clone in half. "welp" "shouldn't we get some powers now" "we already got those" "but-" "fuck off" "hey look he was created by some guy called 'svart'" "could that be the same svart who burnt down the village?!" "..." "..." "THAT IS A STUPID IDEA AND YOU ARE STUPID FOR HAVING IT"
Jakey grabs the harlequin foetus clone by the head, and drives his knee into its face, sending it staggering back. Eif backflips over the harlequin foetus clone, and stabs it in the chest. Eif kicks the harlequin foetus clone off of his sword, sending it flying through the air, where Bran kicks it higher into the air, chucking his sword into its head. Bran rolls out of the way, allowing Jakey to backflip and land on the harlequin foetus clone, pulling out the sword in its head. Jakey takes both swords and slices the harlequin foetus clone in half. "welp" "shouldn't we get some powers now" "we already got those" "but-" "fuck off" "hey look he was created by some guy called 'svart'" "could that be the same svart who burnt down the village?!" "..." "..." "THAT IS A STUPID IDEA AND YOU ARE STUPID FOR HAVING IT"
Jakey grabs the harlequin foetus clone by the head, and drives his knee into its face, sending it staggering back. Eif backflips over the harlequin foetus clone, and stabs it in the chest. Eif kicks the harlequin foetus clone off of his sword, sending it flying through the air, where Bran kicks it higher into the air, chucking his sword into its head. Bran rolls out of the way, allowing Jakey to backflip and land on the harlequin foetus clone, pulling out the sword in its head. Jakey takes both swords and slices the harlequin foetus clone in half. "welp" "shouldn't we get some powers now" "we already got those" "but-" "fuck off" "hey look he was created by some guy called 'svart'" "could that be the same svart who burnt down the village?!" "..." "..." "THAT IS A STUPID IDEA AND YOU ARE STUPID FOR HAVING IT"
Jakey grabs the harlequin foetus clone by the head, and drives his knee into its face, sending it staggering back. Eif backflips over the harlequin foetus clone, and stabs it in the chest. Eif kicks the harlequin foetus clone off of his sword, sending it flying through the air, where Bran kicks it higher into the air, chucking his sword into its head. Bran rolls out of the way, allowing Jakey to backflip and land on the harlequin foetus clone, pulling out the sword in its head. Jakey takes both swords and slices the harlequin foetus clone in half. "welp" "shouldn't we get some powers now" "we already got those" "but-" "fuck off" "hey look he was created by some guy called 'svart'" "could that be the same svart who burnt down the village?!" "..." "..." "THAT IS A STUPID IDEA AND YOU ARE STUPID FOR HAVING IT"
Jakey grabs the harlequin foetus clone by the head, and drives his knee into its face, sending it staggering back. Eif backflips over the harlequin foetus clone, and stabs it in the chest. Eif kicks the harlequin foetus clone off of his sword, sending it flying through the air, where Bran kicks it higher into the air, chucking his sword into its head. Bran rolls out of the way, allowing Jakey to backflip and land on the harlequin foetus clone, pulling out the sword in its head. Jakey takes both swords and slices the harlequin foetus clone in half. "welp" "shouldn't we get some powers now" "we already got those" "but-" "fuck off" "hey look he was created by some guy called 'svart'" "could that be the same svart who burnt down the village?!" "..." "..." "THAT IS A STUPID IDEA AND YOU ARE STUPID FOR HAVING IT"
Jakey grabs the harlequin foetus clone by the head, and drives his knee into its face, sending it staggering back. Eif backflips over the harlequin foetus clone, and stabs it in the chest. Eif kicks the harlequin foetus clone off of his sword, sending it flying through the air, where Bran kicks it higher into the air, chucking his sword into its head. Bran rolls out of the way, allowing Jakey to backflip and land on the harlequin foetus clone, pulling out the sword in its head. Jakey takes both swords and slices the harlequin foetus clone in half. "welp" "shouldn't we get some powers now" "we already got those" "but-" "fuck off" "hey look he was created by some guy called 'svart'" "could that be the same svart who burnt down the village?!" "..." "..." "THAT IS A STUPID IDEA AND YOU ARE STUPID FOR HAVING IT"
Jakey grabs the harlequin foetus clone by the head, and drives his knee into its face, sending it staggering back. Eif backflips over the harlequin foetus clone, and stabs it in the chest. Eif kicks the harlequin foetus clone off of his sword, sending it flying through the air, where Bran kicks it higher into the air, chucking his sword into its head. Bran rolls out of the way, allowing Jakey to backflip and land on the harlequin foetus clone, pulling out the sword in its head. Jakey takes both swords and slices the harlequin foetus clone in half. "welp" "shouldn't we get some powers now" "we already got those" "but-" "fuck off" "hey look he was created by some guy called 'svart'" "could that be the same svart who burnt down the village?!" "..." "..." "THAT IS A STUPID IDEA AND YOU ARE STUPID FOR HAVING IT"
Jakey grabs the harlequin foetus clone by the head, and drives his knee into its face, sending it staggering back. Eif backflips over the harlequin foetus clone, and stabs it in the chest. Eif kicks the harlequin foetus clone off of his sword, sending it flying through the air, where Bran kicks it higher into the air, chucking his sword into its head. Bran rolls out of the way, allowing Jakey to backflip and land on the harlequin foetus clone, pulling out the sword in its head. Jakey takes both swords and slices the harlequin foetus clone in half. "welp" "shouldn't we get some powers now" "we already got those" "but-" "fuck off" "hey look he was created by some guy called 'svart'" "could that be the same svart who burnt down the village?!" "..." "..." "THAT IS A STUPID IDEA AND YOU ARE STUPID FOR HAVING IT"
Jakey grabs the harlequin foetus clone by the head, and drives his knee into its face, sending it staggering back. Eif backflips over the harlequin foetus clone, and stabs it in the chest. Eif kicks the harlequin foetus clone off of his sword, sending it flying through the air, where Bran kicks it higher into the air, chucking his sword into its head. Bran rolls out of the way, allowing Jakey to backflip and land on the harlequin foetus clone, pulling out the sword in its head. Jakey takes both swords and slices the harlequin foetus clone in half. "welp" "shouldn't we get some powers now" "we already got those" "but-" "fuck off" "hey look he was created by some guy called 'svart'" "could that be the same svart who burnt down the village?!" "..." "..." "THAT IS A STUPID IDEA AND YOU ARE STUPID FOR HAVING IT"
Jakey grabs the harlequin foetus clone by the head, and drives his knee into its face, sending it staggering back. Eif backflips over the harlequin foetus clone, and stabs it in the chest. Eif kicks the harlequin foetus clone off of his sword, sending it flying through the air, where Bran kicks it higher into the air, chucking his sword into its head. Bran rolls out of the way, allowing Jakey to backflip and land on the harlequin foetus clone, pulling out the sword in its head. Jakey takes both swords and slices the harlequin foetus clone in half. "welp" "shouldn't we get some powers now" "we already got those" "but-" "fuck off" "hey look he was created by some guy called 'svart'" "could that be the same svart who burnt down the village?!" "..." "..." "THAT IS A STUPID IDEA AND YOU ARE STUPID FOR HAVING IT"
Jakey grabs the harlequin foetus clone by the head, and drives his knee into its face, sending it staggering back. Eif backflips over the harlequin foetus clone, and stabs it in the chest. Eif kicks the harlequin foetus clone off of his sword, sending it flying through the air, where Bran kicks it higher into the air, chucking his sword into its head. Bran rolls out of the way, allowing Jakey to backflip and land on the harlequin foetus clone, pulling out the sword in its head. Jakey takes both swords and slices the harlequin foetus clone in half. "welp" "shouldn't we get some powers now" "we already got those" "but-" "fuck off" "hey look he was created by some guy called 'svart'" "could that be the same svart who burnt down the village?!" "..." "..." "THAT IS A STUPID IDEA AND YOU ARE STUPID FOR HAVING IT"

CHAPTOUR SEVEN:
"sup guys" "hey svart" "wanna play guitar hero iii: legends of rock" "fuck yeah" The friends play Guitar Hero III: Legends of Rock, and never fight again. Then Michelle's like "take me home"
THE END