Teh Forum RPG [Reboot] [Remaster] [Revised]

CHAPTOUR ONE:
"hey guys check this shit out" "what shit" "i don't see any shit" "the note uh in my hand" "what note" "what hand" "the hand attached to my right arm is holding a note from our dear friend tony saying that-" "GUYS TONY'S GONE" "WHAT" "NO WAY" Jakey crumples up the note and hucks it to the ground. "jakey what the FUCK" "you know our community frowns heavily on littering!!!" "taylor, bran, eif; you three go out and search for tony" "all right!!!" "good idea you get a head start i will catch up with snacks" "no jakey you will do no such thing" "what" "YOU HAVE BROKEN THE LAW AND I AM TAKING YOU IN" Svart snaps a pair of handcuffs onto Jakey's wrists. "dude i'll just pick it up if it hurts your feelings so much" "my FEELINGS?! that is not at all what you have hurt!!!" Svart picks up the discarded note, under which lay the corpse of a bug. "your CARELESSNESS has MURDERED this innocent zayante band-winged grasshopper!!!" "uh never heard of it" "BECAUSE THEY'RE ENDANGERED!!!" "yeah i can see how a creature that dies if you throw a piece of paper at it would be endangered" "come with me; i am taking you to HARLEQUIN FOETUS COURT"
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets: The Official Game of the Official Movie of the Official Book. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Jakey runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of electricity. Electricity shoots from Jakey's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job jakey" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR TWO:
"THIRTY DAYS COMMUNITY SERVICE?!" "to be honest he's letting you off easy" "come on you criminal scum" Sheriff Antony drags Jakey out to the big city of Boston. "your job is to pick up garbage from the streets, provide funerals for squished bugs, and help old ladies cross the street" "will i be receiving any support on this mission or am i flying solo" "well the murder rate for bugs has skyrocketed as of late, so i'll see what i can do; IN THE MEANWHILE, you'd best get going; i've got reports of a bug murder on fifth avenue" "yes sir" Jakey heads over to Fifth Avenue, where the outline of a house fly is seen in chalk. "what's the situation doc" "flyswatter; tragic" The doctor begins to tear up. "there there let it all out" "HE WAS SO YOUNG" "i promise you that i will catch the criminal behind this, miss doctor lady" "brooke" "yeah that" Jakey inspects the crime scene. "did he have any enemies" "oh he was always getting into trouble; he didn't mean anything by it though!!! i can't imagine who would have done such a thing!!!" "based on the blood splatter, it had to have been intentional or at least an unlikely series of coincidences and happenstance" Brooke begins to take a list of suspects, which reads "coincidence? HAPPENSTANCE???". "can you arrest happenstance" "i can damn well try" "JAKEY GOOD NEWS I'VE FOUND YOU A PARTNER FOR THE CASE" Sheriff Antony leads in Jakey's new partner, A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Midnight Club 3: DUB Edition. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Bran runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of ice. Ice shoots from Bran's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job bran" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"okay i've figured it out; what happened was a stray leaf blew in the wind into this can of baked beans, knocking it onto the ground; from there, it rolled downhill until it hit this discarded shoe, which was knocked askew JUST ENOUGH to spin around this toy car; the toy car rolled downhill and lept off this sweet jump, hitting the housefly in mid-flight, killing it instantly" "all right you're all going downtown" Sheriff Antony handcuffs the toy car, the discarded shoe, the can of baked beans, and the discarded leaf, and tosses them into the back of his police cruiser. "if only i could have arrested the wind" Sheriff Antony shakes his fist into the wind, a single tear streaming down his cheek. "jakey your service to the city has been recognised and you are free to go" "sweet" Sheriff Antony uncuffs Jakey. "now go on and play with your little friends" Sheriff Antony shoos Jakey over to Bran, Taylor, and Eif. "aw maaannn" "i thought we'd ditched you back in harlemshire" "and we'd already replaced you with A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT"
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Marco Polo. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Taylor runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of wind. Wind shoots from Taylor's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job taylor" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
"hello and welcome to the electricity temple!!!" "this is just the city's power station" "that is its other purpose!!! two birds you know" "so do you like worship electricity here" "more or less" "sounds dumb" "super-dumb" "retarded even" "no guys it sounds GREAT" "don't cry" "hey want to go get some coney island hot dogs" "are those the ones where instead of a bun it's an ice cream cone" "shit yeah" "aw fuck let's do this" The men leave Amber the tour guide behind, heading instead to the hot dog vendor. "go away we're closed" "what!!!" "but i wanted to exchange my money for your goods and services!!!" "OH why didn't you just say so!!!" Everyone exchanges their money for some Coney Island hot dogs, with extra vanilla ice cream. The next customer in line walks up to Shopkeepour's stand, and is enraged to learn that they are closed, as he wanted to exchange his money for Shopkeepour's goods and services. He does not convey this with words, however, and instead walks up to the heroes to pick a fight, assuming they bought the last of the hot dogs. He rips off his trenchcoat to reveal A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip NASCAR Heat 2002. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Eif runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of fire. Fire shoots from Eif's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job eif" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
"and this is the ice temple!!!" "the brochure said it was the water temple" "well it was but then it froze so now it's the ice temple" "this is a water-pumping station" "it's an ice-pumping station now" "right, right" A pipe bursts overhead, and ice begins to pour out of the hole. "AH SHIT SHIT GO GET ME A DRINK FOR THIS ICE" "on it" Taylor runs over to the concession stand, but all they have is milk. "gross who puts ice in milk" "eugh" "help" The ice buries Amber, crushing her lungs. "help" "i'm so sorry tour guide there is nothing we can do" "except make sure you have a nice funeral" "GUYS I FOUND SOME A DRINK FOR THE ICE; SOME HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT-ADE"
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Pokémon XD: Gale of Darkness. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Tony runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of earth. Earth shoots from Tony's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job tony" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR SIX:
"i sure am glad we defeated this evil baron, guys" "so am i now let's never speak of it again" "sounds good" "oh wow" "wow?!" Jakey stands on his toes. "I WANT TO SEE THE THING WORTHY OF A WOW" "oh shit bran never says wow" Eif also stands on his toes. "look at that woman who is attractive to me" "who is that i only see my sister, michelle" Bran walks over to Michelle. "hello my name is bran would you like to copulate with me" "sorry but i only have eyes for one man" "wh-who is that" "jack black" "oh yeah he is kind of dreamy" "i loved him in gulliver's travels" "oh i'm more of a nacho libre man myself" "i thought nacho libre was lacking in the 'libre' department, as well as the 'nacho' department" "i think the subverted expectations are what made the film a classic; the citizen kane of film, if you will" "i will have to watch it again and see if i can get over my disappointment at my shattered expectations" "i highly recommend putting in the effort" "how did you feel about kung-fu panda" "i felt like it lacked any real emotional impact, and while i admire jack black for straying from his comfort zone with a more light-hearted film, i feel that the movie missed the mark; the only highlight was the climactic battle against the HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT"
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Ants in My Pants. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Michelle runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of light. Light shoots from Michelle's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job michelle" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR SEVEN:
"palms for the poor PALMS for the poor" "don't you mean alms" "uh yeah that" "sorry i've got to keep all my alms for myself; i am saving up for a lamborghini racing car bed" Jakey makes a steering motion with his hands. "broom broom" "oh uh th-thanks i guess?" "i'd help but i'm still making payments on the limousine bed" "i've got some alms to spare; i opted for the honda civic bed for its better gas milage" Bran drops a handful of coins into Sara's pot. "thank you muchly sir man" Everyone turns to Eif, who is the only person who hasn't either donated or given an excuse. "no you're not getting a single alm out of me it's all mine MINE YOU HEAR YOU'LL NEVER TAKE IT AS LONG AS I DRAW BREATH AND THAT IS A FACT" Eif backs away from the group and ends up backing off of the ledge, onto A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Hot Potato. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Amiee :3 runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of pastry. Pastry shoots from Amiee :3's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job amiee :3" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR EIGHT:
"hey guys look it's tony" "i can't believe he was here in the centre of town all along" "especially since we walked through here at least five times today" "YOU WILL PAY FOR WHAT YOU HAVE DONE TO MY PEOPLE, FIEND" "i'd... rather not" "drat" The as-of-yet unnamed villain runs off. "hey tony what was that about something being done to your people" "uh that was a uh joke" "oh okay" "yeah you totally didn't get tricked into buying a hyundai bed instead of a honda civic bed or anything" "that's good" "very reassuring" "so uh" "what now" "well i guess there's not much left to do aside from fighting A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT"
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Hacky Sack. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Sheriff Antony runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of imagination. Imagination shoots from Sheriff Antony's left hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job sheriff antony" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR NINE:
"original gangster george's used boats and ships" "OOH OOH GUYS WE NEED A SHIP" "why what are we shipping" "uh you know" "i don't" "like you know stuff" "..." "..." "all right" Original Gangster George enthusiastically greets the heroes at the door, waving his arms erratically. "HI HEY HELLO WOULD YOU FIND GENTLEMEN LIKE A BOAT OR MAYBE A SHIP" "wait what i thought this was the exotic plain hamburgers store" "uh BE RIGHT BACK" Original Gangster George runs out to the back room and grabs an exotic plain hamburger for Eif. "..." "..." "that's a hot dog" "BE RIGHT BACK" Original Gangster George runs back out and pushes another exotic plain hamburger onto the show floor. "that's a spruce tree" "BE RIGHT BACK" Original Gangster George pushes another exotic plain hamburger onto the show floor. "that's a .44 magnum with a bunch of parts for a semi-automatic handgun duct taped onto it" "okay uh i guess we're out of exotic plain hamburgers" "oh well then i will take my business elsewhere" "you can't do that" "why not" "because my lot rules clearly state: buy something or face A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT"
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Laundry Chute. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Kathy runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of knives. Knives shoots from Kathy's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job kathy" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR TEN:
"okay i couldn't sell you on the exotic plain hamburgers, but how about these LEGENDARY WEAPONS" "well uh" "they don't look so legendary to me" "but they were used to slay the legendary beast!!!" "what legendary beast" "you know that one that was terrorising that town" "what town" "uh new harlemshireburg" "what was the beast's name" "uh john" "..." "..." "sounds good to me" The five pay for their legendary swords and exit the factory, and are immediately eaten by a giant plant. "aw we didn't even have time to make snide comments" "and i had the best one lined up!!!" "really what was it" "nah the moment's passed" "come on tell me" "no" "please" "okay, it was 'that-'" "no you have to do the voice" "the... voice?" "you know the bran voice" "you mean... my voice?" "no i mean the 'oh look i am bran rargh'" "oh right; ahem: 'that is the second-largest plant i have ever seen'" "..." "..." "i've heard better" "NO YOU HAVEN'T, YOU DIRTY FUCKING LIAR" "you're right i'm sorry" "anyway now how do we get out of here" "taylor, use your grass powers!!!" "i have wind powers" "goddammit" "why are you so useless taylor" "hey i have an idea" "tell me the idea" "let's BURN the plant" "..." "..." "EIF THIS IS NO TIME FOR YOUR SHITTY JOKES" "HEY MY JOKES ARE GREAT" "0/10" "FUCK" "guys let's ICE the plant" "great idea bran!!!" "but guys fire-" "eif stop being mad just because your power is shitty and not very effective against grass" Bran blasts the planet with ice, freeing the five. "it sure is cold here in the vacuum of space" "i've been colder" Suddenly, someone changes the bag. "oh no i did not see this coming" The five are emptied into a trash can, where they find A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip Bingo. "so like" "yeah?" "what now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "but i already have them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "TAKE THAT BACK" "okay yeah that was mean" "OKAY" Mr. Sock runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of sandals. Sandals shoots from Mr. Sock's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job mr sock" "yeah you're pretty cool" "you mean it?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR ELEVEN:
"oh shit look a lamp" "RUB IT OVER YOUR GENITALS" "..." "..." "wh-why" "it will create a HILARIOUS scene when the genie comes out!!!" "oh that sounds logical" Bran shoves the lamp down his pants, and a genie comes out. "hey guys i-OH GOD OH GOD" The genie retreats back into the lamp. "hey what about our wishes!!!" "oh okay; you wish for A HARLEQUIN FOETUS KNIGHT"
Sheriff Antony twirls his revolvers. "heh" Bran launches the harlequin foetus knight into the air, and Sheriff Antony shoots it with his revolvers. Taylor leaps into the air and impales the harlequin foetus knight. Taylor leaps off, and Tony runs at the harlequin foetus knight, sword dragging across the floor, and releases it into a deadly spiral of energy. The harlequin foetus knight is launched into the air, and Michelle leaps at it and kicks it at a wall. Amiee :3 makes pastry for Jakey and Eif as they play Strip The Waiting Game. "So Like" "yeah?" "What Now" "well according to protocol, one of us has to get his/her powers now" "But I Already Have Them" "play along you you not-very-cool guy" "Take That Back" "okay yeah that was mean" "Okay" Robert Truckdriver runs around aimlessly and gets struck by a bolt of Damage Inc.. Damage Inc. shoots from Robert Truckdriver's right hand and obliterates the harlequin foetus knight. "wow nice job robert truckdriver" "yeah you're pretty cool" "You Mean It?!" "no" "fuck"

CHAPTOUR TWELVE:
"hey look an endless black abyss let's jump into it" "FUCK YES" The heroes jump into the endless black abyss, emerging in a dark room. "that wasn't quite as endless as i had hoped" "you can't always get what you want" "but if you try sometimes, you just might find, YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED" Petour launches a bolt of darkness at Taylor, causing him to disintegrate. "oh no taylor!!!" "he was truly the best of us" "at least according to the popularity polls on the official website" Jakey charges his sword with electricity, and chops Petour's head off. The electricity burns Petour's body while Tony summons boulders, which crush it. Bran conjures ice inside the boulders, causing them into explode, and the shards to embed into Petour's body. Eif immolates Petour's body, causing him to turn to ash. Taylor blows the ashes around in a gentle breeze. "YOU LIKE THAT?! IS IT COOL AND REFRESHING?!" Petour staggers back, clutching his chest. "i went down to the chelsea drugstore to get your prescription filled; i was standing in line with mistour jimmy and, man, did he look pretty ill; we decided that we would have a soda: my favourite flavour, cherry red; i sung my song to mistour jimmy, yeah, and he said one word to me, and that was-" Petour stumbles into Tony's sword. "dead" Petour turns to ash on Tony's sword. "hey wait where's my ball" "you can't always get what you want" "but if you try sometimes, well, you might find..." Tony's ball flies into his hand. "you get what you need" The five walk off to face the new day.

CHAPTOUR THIRTEEN:
"mother i have returned" "who are you" "your son, tony" "i don't have a son" "but wait that means..." Tony fades from existence. "..." "..." "how did" "lo all" Stevman teleports in on his time machine, does a kneeslide, and plays a powerchord. "THAT'S OUR STEVMAN" Michelle walks up to the group and rests her arms on their shoulders. "take me home"
THE END