Something to Talk About (2018)

Mission 075: Tribute to Breasts [Piper]
"oh good jakey you're just in time; check out my new headquarters for my charity!!!" "it's gigantic" "only the biggest will do!!! you can't have a charity providing breast implants and have a small building!!!" "makes sense i suppose" "we've even got a drive-through so people can just drop off their life savings or whatever if they're in a hurry!!!" "i wonder why more charities don't do that" "i suppose i am just a visionary; now come i want to show you the statue of me they made!!!" "oh boy" Just as the two begin to walk off, a loud announcement comes on over the intercom. "PIPER TO THE REAR ENTRANCE IT'S AN EMERGENCY" "oops be right back" Piper runs to the back entrance, and Jakey is quickly yanked off into the bushes. "is this one of those 'rape' things i've heard so much about" "LISTEN LISTEN the statue of piper is not only not ready but i am afraid it is OFFENSIVE" "what" "we were saving the BREAST for last which seemed like a good idea at the time but we ran out of marble!!! her statue is flat-chested at the moment!!!" Jakey stares at Candice in horror. Piper will not like this, but he does not know if her reaction will be tears or murder. "you've got to go and stall her while we get more marble and finish the statue" "how long will THAT take?!" "just barely longer than you'll be able to stall her for" "oh good" Candice shoves Jakey out of the bushes just as Piper gets back, scratched and messy. "what HAPPENED" "it was a raccoon; i didn't know they were able to use intercoms" "jesus neither did i; we've got to get you to the hospital then warn the constabulary" "is it that bad?" "man you never know if they've got rabies or not" "okay i'll head for the hospital just as soon as we see that statue" "UH we probably shouldn't wait" "i agree; the statue's magnificence cannot wait for anyone" "you're beginning to foam!!! this is serious!!! the hospital needs to be visited!!!" "no i'm just frothing at the prospect of seeing such a beautiful statue!!!" "okay i've got nothing left in me" "all right let's get going!!!" Piper leads Jakey to the front door, where they are stopped by Candice. "it's not ready yet ma'am" "oh okay let's come back another time" Jakey slaps his forehead. Michelle sneaks out of the back, carrying an armful of marble. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Candice missions]

Mission 076: Tribute to Boobs [Piper]
"okay jakey i have been assured that the statue is ready and i'm SUPER-eager to see it!!! are you eager as well?!" "i'm not normally one to get 'eager' but this time i'll make an exception" "all right!!!" Piper and Jakey enter the building and are greeted by a gigantic statue of Piper. "OH MY GOD THE PROPORTIONS ARE PERFECT" "you know that just by eyeballing it for five seconds?" "jakey a proper lady knows her measurements PERFECTLY" "oh" "hey i'm glad you like it" "yes miss candice!!! i like it so much that i will give you a free breast enhancement!!!" "that's okay i-WOAH" Piper yanks Candice away, taking her off for a boob job. "i never knew that this was my fetish until just now" Michelle climbs up the statue and gives its breasts a "honk". "take me home"
[reward: respect +/horn t-shirt]

Mission 077: Tribute to Tits [Piper]
"jakey the final piece of the puzzle is set in place!!!" "are the door knockers an actual pair of knockers" "well yes but that's not what i am talking about!!!" Piper leads Jakey around the back to a fenced-in area. "'petting zoo'?" "yes!!! this will give the children and husbands of the women something to do while they are here!!! but i have improved upon the original idea of a petting zoo!!! instead of cute animals, you will be petting real, live breasts!!!" "brilliant; not only is it a good time, it will allow these people to get an idea of how the woman in their life will emerge" "exactly!!! would you like to-" "YES" Jakey runs off to pet some breasts. He works his way around the circle, but halfway through, he bumps into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/petting zoo t-shirt]

Mission 078: Tribute to Resistance [Resistance Leadour]
"yo ressie resist any good things lately" "i've been resisting sleep for five months now!!!" "really?" "really what" "to your previous statement" "what statement" "that you've been resisting sleep for five months" "yeah? what about it" Jakey slaps his face. "how has resisting sleep been working out for you" "OH yeah it's been great!!! i've never felt more alert and attentive!!!" "uh sure" "sure about what?" Jakey slaps his face a second time. "anyway did i ever tell you about my latest resistance project?" "you told me you've been resisting sleep for five months now" "oh did i? huh" Resistance Leadour thinks for a moment. "hey did i ever tell you about how i've been resisting sleep for five months now" "once or twice" "oh damn" "hey ressie did i ever tell you that you've been resisting sleeping for ten months now" "I HAVE?! wow!!! that's a record!!! my goal was eight but time sure does fly when you're resisting fun!!! i think i'll call it here though" Resistance Leadour collapses onto the ground and drifts off into a deep sleep. "i hope she doesn't decide to resist waking up next" Michelle tosses a blanket over Resistance Leadour. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/sleep cap t-shirt]

Mission 079: Unundead [Resistance Leadour]
"i've decided that i'm kind of over the whole vampire thing" "won't you miss drinking blood though" "i have never ONCE drank blood" "what" "i have RESISTED all blood-related cravings" "oh right yeah that makes sense" "so i bought this de-vampirification machine from the de-vampirification machine store and i need you to hit the button for me once i'm inside" "all right" "i'd have asked my sister to do it but she'd just refuse" "you have a sister?" "oh yeah right i never told you about her; her name is refusal leadour and if you think my resistance gimmick is annoying, holy shit, don't even talk to my sister (she'd refuse to meet with you anyway)" "uh good to know" "all right press the button once i've closed the door" "got it" Resistance Leadour hops into the machine, and Jakey presses the button, beginning the de-vampirification process. A few seconds later, Ressie emerges, unchanged. "what a rip-off!!!" "uh no sorry i decided to resist the de-vampirification process to see if i could; one more time please" Resistance Leadour re-enters the machine, and Jakey presses the button a second time. This time, however, Resistance Leadour's vampirism looks to be cured. "did it work" "there's a test for this" Jakey slices open his own hand, bleeding all over the floor. "ew" "it worked!!!" "oh so it did" "ME NEXT ME NEXT" Michelle runs up and enters the de-vampirification machine. Jakey presses the button, and Michelle is cured of her vampirism. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/de-vampirification machine store t-shirt]

Mission 080: Jailbait [Rachel]
"man i love it here!!! i wish i never had to leave!!!" "that can uh be arranged" "nah i need to get back to my film career, and my protege is probably wondering where i've been" "she's uh got a lot of other things to worry about" "right right OH HEY my cellmates taught me how to knit!!! i made you this t-shirt!!!" Rachel hands Jakey a knit t-shirt through the bars. "i didn't know what size to make it so i went for XL; don't think of it as 'xtra large' though!!! think of it as 'made with xtra love'!!!" "what about 'xtreme love'" "even better!!!" "it's good that you're making friends AND learning skills" "oh yeah!!! agnes and mildred even invited me to play bridge with them this weekend!!!" "what's that" "i uh was hoping you knew" Sheriff Antony knocks on the cell walls. "it's that time again" "oh boy!!! interrogation!!!" "you're EXCITED for interrogation?!" "oh yeah!!! the sheriff bakes me fresh chocolate chip cookies and pours me as many glasses of milk as i want!!!" "that uh doesn't sound like any interrogation i've been to" "i imagine it's like room service; it gets better the more high-scale the prison is, which figures in to the increased price" "wait you're PAYING to be in prison?!" "doesn't everyone?" "uh" "well i've got to go it's been nice seeing you have fun" Rachel follows Sheriff Antony off to interrogation. Michelle walks up to Jakey from within the cell. "i knitted you a t-shirt as well!!!" Michelle hands Jakey a t-shirt that says 'take me home'
[reward: respect +/two t-shirts/Valerie missions/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 081: When a Man Loves a Woman [Rachel]
"so uh how'd interrogation go" "great!!! sheriff antony says i'm like the daughter he could never have because his seamen are radioactive but i don't see what sailors have to do with your ability to call up the stork" "the stork HATES that; i don't get what his problem is" "man what a jerk" "yeah but what can you do; he has a monopoly on the baby business" "not for long he doesn't!!! i am planning to go into baby production myself as soon as i am out of here" "uh how do you plan to do that?" "i'll just create a baby-making machine out of spare parts from my garage; how hard can it be?" "uh extremely" "pfft; you are a man of very limited vision!!! we can do anything we set our minds to but you REFUSE to do so!!!" "all right if you manage to make a baby-making machine, i will admit that you are completely right and never question your enthusiasm ever again" "all right; let's roll" "but you're still in jail" "no it's 4:30 my sentence is over now" "oh okay" "let me grab my stuff and you can take me home-adjacent" Rachel walks over and grabs her suitcases, and puts on her replica hat modeled after Sheriff Antony's, then she and Jakey hop into The Motherfucker and head down to the house nextdoor to Rachel's, where Michelle is holding a cardboard sign that says "HOME OR BUST". "take me home"
[reward: respect +/prison t-shirt]

Mission 082: Oh Baby [Rachel]
"yo rachel how's the baby-making machine coming along" "what? OH right THAT; well i got to thinking that a slushie-making machine would make me a lot happier so here it is" Rachel grabs a plastic cup and pulls the lever, pouring out a blue slush. "i hope you like blue because it's the only flavour i have" "the only flavour you NEED" "exactly" Jakey and Rachel tonk their plastic cups together and wait for the slushie to melt a bit so it can be drank properly. Michelle pulls the lever on the machine, and it pours out a red slush. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/slushie t-shirt]

Mission 083: Rock and Roll All Night [Jezzie]
"hey jakey you know how rock and roll is evil?" "i uh didn't" "well it is but some guitar lady refuses to pay her evil taxes even though guitars are like the most evil instrument ever" "i thought the most evil instrument ever was the ukelele" "isn't a ukelele just a small guitar" "not really" "whatever the point is no matter what i try, this woman will not pay her evil taxes" "well what have you tried" "asking politely, sabotaging her favourite meals, and even saving her life from that assassination attempt!!!" "did you also orchestrate the assassination attempt" "that is unimportant; what IS important is getting her over to evil to win over the hearts and minds of a generation" "so what's your new plan" "i am holding an evil music festival called evil-fest 2018 and i am going to get her a spot so she can be won over by the other bands" "worth a shot" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey are instantly transported to central park, where Julia lies on a park bench. "oh god it's you again" "hello miss julia how are you today great? good so listen this friday i have a gig for you at ev-" "sorry i'm already booked for christ-fest that day" "WHAT" "yeah sorry" Jezzie teleports away, upset that her latest plan failed after she'd sunk so much time and money into it. "i didn't know you were a fan of christ" "oh yeah i have all his albums" Julia holds up a signed copy of Johnny Christ and the Hot-Steppers' debut, Hung Up on a Feeling. "i can say with 99% certainty that that is NOT the christ they are referring to" Jakey hands Julia a bible. "i'll wait for the movie" Jakey hands Julia a copy of Passion of the Christ on DVD. "oh uh since my blu-ray player broke, all i have is a vcr" Jakey hands Julia a copy of Passion of the Christ on VHS. "..." "..." "thanks?" "don't mention it" Michelle walks up to Jakey and hands him back his copy of Passion of the Christ on blu-ray. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Passion of the Christ t-shirt]

Mission 084: The Breast Thing That Could Happen [Candice]
"yo candice how are the implants treating you" "i was annoyed at first but they've really grown on me" "oh that's good to hear" "hopefully these nice D-cups will give me an edge over that parallel universe version of me who keeps getting into all the spin-offs instead of me; i'm sick of it" "well she has a better personality and better hair, but you've got larger tits which is really an unfair advantage; we should even the playing field" "please don't" "you can't hog all the bustiness for yourself; that's not fair" Just then, Parallel Universe Candice runs up, her own breasts increased to an E-cup. "JAKEY, STANDARD UNIVERSE CANDICE; THE BOOBS FAIRY LEFT ME A PRESENT" "WHAT" "i've uh never heard of the boobs fairy" "parents don't tell boys about the boobs fairy after the great boobs shortage of 1846" "jesus that sounds awful; what happened" "one boy trapped the boobs fairy in a cage and hogged all the boobs for himself!!!" "WHAT A LEGEND" "don't get your hopes up; the boobs fairy outright REFUSES to appear if there are any Y-chromosomes in the room" "aw" "also this seems to be an event that is locked-in to all potential universes; all three universes i've been to have the same story" "wait, three universes?" "i kinda got lost on the way here" "well i am glad that you are here now and DOUBLY glad that your tits come out to here now" "oh thanks they're pretty sweet aren't they" "oh definitely; i am a connoisseur of fine titties the world over and i can say that this pair has shaken up my official titties of the world rankings; i will have to think long and hard when i update my website, http://www.greattittiesoftheworld.com/ " "oh man i'll have to make sure to check it out later" "i'll need a picture for the website though" "oh sure sure" Jakey pulls out his phone and begins snapping pictures as a jealous Standard Universe Candice looks on. Michelle walks up behind them, following an improvised 'boobs fairy tracker'. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/1846 never forget t-shirt/1846: The Legend Never Dies t-shirt]

Mission 085: The Future of Boobs Technology [Candice]
"jakey i have done it; i have created CYBERNETICALLY ENHANCED BREASTS" "cool where are they" "..." "..." "on my chest" "those aren't cybernetic; they're made of wood and i can see all the nails sticking out all bent and crooked" "jakey cybernetic is just a pointless adjective they add to things to make them sound more impressive, like 'buffalo' or '24-karat'" "uh no all three of those things actually have definitions" "pfft; how can the chicken tenders be buffalo if they're chicken?!" "they cross-bred the species" "then WHY aren't there any walking around?!" "it's a secret government project like the turducken" "no, i had a pet turducken when i was a small girl his name was jerry" "oh my mistake; go on" "ANYWAY, my cybernetically enhanced breasts will win me all of the boobs competitions" "i think that cybernetics are banned from boobs competitions worldwide after the fiasco in the 2004 world finals" "what" "i'm pretty sure someone died" "aw man why'd he have to go and do that and ruin it for the rest of us" "i wonder that same thing every day" Michelle walks up with wires hanging out of her boobs. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Boobs Championship Attendee: 25 years of perfect attendance t-shirt]

Mission 086: Preparedness [Valerie]
Jakey walks across the yard, hoping to knock on Valerie's door, but steps on a rake, which smacks him in the face, breaking his nose. In addition, the top of the handle was rigged with explosives, blowing Jakey's head clean off. "J-JAKEY N-NO" Jakey's body reforms almost instantly. "uh care to explain what just happened?" "w-well th-the threat o-of a-an undead in-invasion sc-scared me s-so much th-that i-i-i r-rigged m-my yard w-with b-booby traps" "uh yeah forgive me if i don't come over again any time soon" "i-i-i'll c-come over t-to your p-place" "probably a good idea" Michelle begins to attempt to navigate the field of explosive rakes, but Jakey tackles her out of the way. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/explosive rakes t-shirt]

Mission 087: Ain't You Glad You're Single? [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey the solid platinum spurs i ordered are now ready but i have to go and be a judge at the 217th annual alabamanian go-kart olympics!!!" "uh so do i" "you'd better hurry up and get them for me then" "WILL DO" Jakey runs off to Spurz Я Us, where Shopkeepour stands behind the counter, chewing a fresh stick of Orbit chewing gum. "i'm here to pick up sheriff antony's solid platinum spurs he ordered" "p-PLATINUM?! i thought he said palladium!!!" "uh" "I CAN FIX THIS JUST GIVE ME AN HOUR" "I DON'T HAVE AN HOUR I HAVE TO BE AT THE GO-KART TRACK IN FIVE MINUTES" "FUCK FUCK FUCK" "listen i do NOT want to disappoint sheriff antony ever again after what he did last time" "wh-what did he do?!" "a single tear welled up in the corner of his eye and he said 'oh' and walked off glumly" "FUCK FUCK FUCK" Shopkeepour sprints into the back room, not wanting to disappoint Sheriff Antony. Shopkeepour hops into his hyper-time chamber, and spends five hours making Sheriff Antony's platinum spurs as perfectly as he can. He sprints out of the chamber, and comes back to Jakey, five actual seconds later. "wow that was fast; you didn't just take the palladium ones and spray paint them platinum did you" "WHAT no!!!" "okay just checking" Jakey sprints out toward the go-kart track, and slams the spurs down in front of Sheriff Antony. "oh wow just in time thanks b-wait these are made of platinum!!!" "um yes?" "i said palladium!!!" "..." "..." "just kidding you should have seen the look on your face" "WELL YOU SHOULD SEE THIS LOOK ON MY HAND" Jakey shoves his middle finger right into Sheriff Antony's face. "wow remind me never to mention palladium in front of you again" Michelle runs up to the judges' table and plops down a pair of spurs made of pure potassium. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/spurs t-shirt]

Mission 088: Passion of the Christ [Julia]
"uh jakey i watched that movie and i didn't like it" "no?" "they build up this jesus guy as like the best guy ever and you get really attached to him and then he's killed by romans?! what the fuck kind of story is that?!" "it's based on a true story" "just another reason to hate romans i guess" Julia glances at the clock on the wall. "OH christ-fest is starting!!!" "what are we waiting for?!" Jakey and Julia rush to their seats. "HELLO AND WELCOME TO CHRIST-FEST 2018 I'M STEVE" "AND I'M STEVE" "IT LOOKS LIKE THE WHOLE OF ALABAMA IS CAUGHT UP IN CHRIST-MANIA NOW BOB" "RIGHT YOU ARE BOB AND WHO COULD BLAME THEM? CHRIST HAS SOLD MILLIONS OF ALBUMS IN ALABAMA ALONE, AND HIS HIT SINGLE 'TURN THE OTHER CHEEK MY WAY' HAS TOPPED THE CHARTS FOR FIFTEEN WEEKS RUNNING" "I UH I BELIEVE WE MAY BE TALKING ABOUT DIFFERENT CHRISTS BOB" "O-OH" "STAY TUNED FOR THE UPCOMING ACTS OF THE GREAT CHERYL AND SOME ROCK BAND; BUT FIRST HERE IS MICHELLE" The crowd roars up in applause as Michelle takes the stage. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Johnny Christ and the Hot-Steppers t-shirt/The Great Cheryl missions]

Mission 089: You Take the Good with the Bad, and What do You Get? [Julia]
Jakey returns to the park to see Julia sprawled out on the ground, covered in HD DVDs. "um should i leave you alone or-" "help" Jakey yanks Julia to her feet, and guides her away from the pile of HD DVDs. "what happened" "as a reward for being voted the best act in the christ-fest i received all these hd-dvds as a prize" "why are they all of the facts of life again?" "because there is no god" Julia grabs an armfull of HD DVDs and heaps them into The Motherfucker. "i am taking these horrible pieces of satanic um satonics and putting them in a landfill where they belong" "but-" "JAKEY THE FORMAT WAR IS OVER; HD DVD LOST AND BLU-RAY WON; MANY INNOCENT MOVIES WERE LOST IN THE BATTLE AND I WILL NOT HAVE YOU BELITTLE THEIR SACRIFICE BY PROPAGATING HD DVD MATERIALS" "is that how that works?" "OF COURSE IT IS; HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN SAVING PRIVATE SAVING PRIVATE RYAN?!" "i must have missed that one" Julia hands Jakey a copy of Saving Private Saving Private Ryan on Blu-Ray. "please watch this so you may realise the horrors of format war" "o-okay" Julia hops into The Motherfucker and drives off for the dump. Normally, a non-Jakey/Michelle entity would be unable to enter The Motherfucker without Jakey's express permission, but The Motherfucker makes an exception for the purity of Julia's quest. "wait where's the motherfucker?! how are you supposed to take me home?!"
[reward: respect +/Saving Private Saving Private Ryan t-shirt]

Mission 090: Parklife [Julia]
Julia stands in the park, surrounded by logs, staring intently at a large piece of paper. "um hello?" "oh hey good timing can you help me with these logs; they are heavier than i'd imagined they'd be" "what are they here for" "well i love living in the park but not having shelter when it snows/rains/hurricanes is kind of a problem; also i need a place to entertain guests so i'm building a log cabin" "you know how to build a log cabin?" "i played with lincoln logs ALL THE TIME as a child so it shouldn't be too difficult" "oh fair enough" Jakey and Julia haul around logs and set them up to form a log cabin. "see? easy; now let me show you around" Julia opens the door to the log cabin, and they are greeted by beautiful hand-carved wooden furniture. "wow it looks just like it did in the catalogue" "i know right; we've got a mini-bar, a hot tub, and even a water bed" "what's this park bench doing here" "that's where i sleep" "you've got a water bed and you're sleeping on a bench?" "the water bed is for entertaining; the bench is where i belong" "fair enough" "OH and check out the wine cellar!!!" Julia leads Jakey into her basement, where Michelle stares at a gigantic rack of wines. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Lincoln Logs t-shirt]

Mission 091: The Oldest Profession [Julia]
"hey julia you look depressed" "i'm sad because i'm not sad that my mother is dying in the hospital" "um why aren't you sad?" "i just said i am sad" "i mean why aren't you sad about your mother dying?" "i kind of despise her" "oh that would do it" "you see, she wanted me to go into the family business; my mother, and her mother before her, and HER mother before THAT, etc., etc. were all prostitutes" "um" "you should have seen the look of fury and disappointment when i told my mother i didn't want to become a prostitute so i ran away; fuck that right?" "everyone else did" "so i want to commemorate the occasion without actually visiting her so i was planning to pour out a 40 for her but i don't think she's worth a full 40" "hmm how about a 20?" "hmm okay" Julia grabs a 20 oz. bottle of liquor out of her liquor fridge and pours it out on the curb. Michelle walks up behind them and pours out a second 20 for Julia's mother, totalling 40 oz. of liquor. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/pour out a 40 t-shirt]

Mission 092: Tricks of the Trade [The Great Cheryl]
"okay jeremiah the great cheryl land was just the beginning; part two of the plan is right here" "what plan" "THE PLAN TO MAKE A LOT OF MONEY" "oh right" The Great Cheryl rips a cloth off of a table. "THE GREAT CHERYL TRADING GAME" "don't you mean trading card game" "no because then the cards will be called trading game cards which abbreviates to TGC which unabbreviates to the great cheryl again" "genius" "i know i know ANYWAY here's how it goes: the trading game promotes the park, where you can go to get exclusive cards" "okay" "and if people go to the park first and get those cards, they will be enamoured by the artwork and uh trading so they will buy the cards!!! it is a perfect plan!!!" "but how are you going to compete with the other card games out there like yugioh and go fish" "by including a free the great cheryl chocolate* bar!!!" "what's the asterisk for?" "that's a uh star like stars are good right? so it's telling people that the quality of this chocolate is like the quality of a shooting star which is good quality" "oh that makes sense" "of course it does; the idea that the fda would prohibit me from calling the substance chocolate is ridiculous" "i uh didn't bring that up" "yeah because it is a ridiculous thing to think let alone bring up" "but you just-" "ANYWAY DON'T YOU HAVE A MALLORY TO BE TAKING HOME" The Great Cheryl conjures a Michelle from thin air. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Great Cheryl Trading Game appears at safehouses]

Mission 093: Trading the Tricks [The Great Cheryl]
"all right jason i've come up with a brand new trick!!!" "oh boy demonstrate it" "okay so i take a woman like this one here and shove her into a box" The Great Cheryl shoves Azalea into a box. "okay okay" "then i take about a dozen swords and stab them into the box" "and then she's magically still alive?!" "..." "..." "THAT'S AN EVEN BETTER IDEA" "yeah i really like being still alive thanks" The Great Cheryl stabs into the box a dozen times, but Azalea remains still alive. "now jeremy i really liked your idea but i decided to take it in a different direction" The Great Cheryl snaps her fingers, and the box opens. Only, instead of Azalea inside, it's Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/stabbed box t-shirt/Azalea missions]

Mission 094: Spoiled Rotten [Azalea]
"oh good just the jakey i wanted to see; do you know of any drug store that sells instant comas" "what" "the new rpgboot game comes out in a couple weeks and i don't want to be spoiled so i'm going to induce a coma for a couple weeks" "we uh don't have such a thing" "you haven't invented those yet?! guess i'll have to invent them myself" "uh azalea that sounds really dangerous" "nah it's cool instant comas are made from 100% pure non-deadly ingredients*" "ASTERISK?!" "i'm sure it's nothing; now then let's see what puts me right out" Azalea ponders for a moment. "warm milk yeah that's a good start" Azalea pours a glass of milk and puts it into the microwave for a few seconds. "let's see let's see oh a nice bed will do wonders" Azalea drinks her milk and crawls into her nice warm bed. "jakey could you read me a bedtime story" "uh sure" Jakey grabs a book off of the shelf and sits on a nearby stool. "once upon a time, there was a-" Jakey is interrupted by loud snoring coming from a generally Azaleaward direction. "go on what happens next?!" Michelle eagerly awaits the next bit of the story. "oh let's see 'once upon a blah blah blah' there was a little princess who loved to be taken home?" "oh boy sounds like my kind of book" "she loved being taken home so much that the author of this book didn't get to finish because he was too busy taking her home" Jakey grabs the little flap in the pop-up book to make the car drive along the road to the princess's home. "bravo bravo!!! encore encore!!! best book ever!!! 10/10!!!" "can't wait for the movie" "jakey jakey hey hey let's re-enact the book!!!" "i don't know it sounds dangerous" "nothing ventured nothing gained!!!" "sigh all right" "okay ahem: 'take me home'"
[reward: respect +/pop-up book t-shirt]

Mission 095: Instant Coma! [Azalea]
"oh hey jakey did it work has it been two weeks?!" "uh no it's only been a few hours" "oh dammit guess we've got to up the dosage" Azalea puts several gallons of milk into the oven. "hey i've got to watch these can you go and buy me a bigger bed" "how big are we talking here" "only the biggest will do" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives down to Bedz Я Us, where Shopkeepour stands behind the counter, chewing a fresh stick of Bazooka Joe chewing gum, and Amber hovers at the counter, red as a beet. "YOU SAID THEY WERE HERE" "dude why would sleeping bags be at a bed store? that's clearly camping supplies" "I WAS JUST AT CAMPING SUPPLIEZ Я US AND YOU SAID TO COME HERE" "listen ma'am you seem to be misinformed" "BY YOU" "just go to camping suppliez Я us and they'll hook you up" Amber throws her arms in the air and flies off angrily. "so what can i get you sir" "uh i'd like a really big bed" "oh have i got just the thing for you" Shopkeepour leads Jakey outside to a bed that towers over them both, even if they were to stand on some boxes. "how much" "just take it; its sheer size is scaring off all kinds of customers" Shopkeepour shows Jakey footage of several people seeing the bed and running away screaming. Jakey hops into The Motherfucker, turns it into a helicopter, and attaches the winch to the bed, carrying it off to Azalea's place. "is this it?" "uh yeah?" "oh i was hoping for something a little bigger" "oh" "well it'll do; help me lift up this jug of warm milk" Azalea motions to a jug of milk more than twice Jakey's height. "ho boy" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker again and air-lifts the jug of milk, tilting it for long enough for Azalea to drink from it. "oh man that hit the spot" Jakey air-lifts Azalea onto the bed, and she passes out instantly. Jakey looks over a bit to see Michelle stuck between the giant mattress and box-spring. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/giant jug t-shirt/Amber missions]

Mission 096: Unfulfilled Desires [Amber]
"BUT YOU SAID THEY WERE HERE" "i just told you a few hours ago that they're not" "THEN AFTER I WENT TO THE OTHER STORE, YOU SAID THEY WERE HERE" "listen ma'am you seem to be misinformed" "YOUR FACE WILL BE MISINFORMED IN A MINUTE" Shopkeepour presses a switch, popping up the row of floor tiles in front of the counter. Amber is unaffected, due to the fact that she is currently flying. "OH NO HELP" Jakey grabs Amber from behind and drags her out of the store. "LET ME BACK IN THERE COACH I CAN TAKE HIM" "yeah that's exactly what worries me" Azalea continues to struggle and punch at the air until she gets tired. "sigh guess i'll have to buy my supplies pre-owned can you give me a ride to the used camping supply store" "sure" Jakey and Amber hop into The Motherfucker and head down to Crazy Svart's Used Camping Supplies. "hello i would like to purchase a sleeping bag" "oh ho ho my dear pixington you will be purchasing more than you bargained for!!! you will be purchasing YOUR DOOM" Svart of Darkness slams his hand down on a button and the store is locked up tight. "AT LONG LAST the hour of my REVENGE IS AT HAND" "sorry who are you?" "..." "..." "i-" Svart of Darkness is crushed. How could his most hated rival not know who he is? Jezzie pops into the room and places her hands on Svart of Darkness's shoulders. "okay you've got this!!! eye of the tiger!!! goals in sight and in motion!!! PERPETUAL motion!!! she may not remember you now but her afterlife will be full of the memory of the heinous evil acts all right?! you got this; i believe in you" "all right thanks" Svart of Darkness recomposes himself to see that Jakey and Amber have already escaped with a sleeping bag, leaving behind exact change. "GODDAMMIT" Svart of Darkness kicks over a lantern. Michelle emerges from a tent inside of The Motherfucker. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Svart of Darkness missions/Jezzie missions]

Mission 097: Camping [Amber]
"okay jakey i am all ready to camp" "cool where are you going" "going?!" Amber looks at Jakey, puzzled. "uh where are you setting up your tent?" "oh no no tent for me i am going to lie down in my sleeping bag beneath the stars" Amber points upward to the ceiling of her living room, which is covered in plastic glow-in-the-dark stars. "uh" "now help me light up this campfire" Amber begins to pour gasoline onto some logs. "this isn't a good idea" "correct; it is a great idea" Amber strikes a match, and lights up her campfire while Jakey dives behind some furniture. "oh come on you puss look nothing happened" "what how" "i used PREMIUM gasoline not the cheap shit" "oh sorry i underestimated you" "now get the fuck over here so we can roast marshmallows and tell spooky stories" "sounds like a plan" Jakey and Amber sit by the fire and do just that. "okay this one scares the SHIT out of my sister: once there was a little girl who was lost and far away from home but then she saw her big brother and excitedly asked him to take her home" "oh was he a zombie?!" "no" "a frankenstein?!" "no" "a wind turbine?!" "what those aren't scary" "sorry i forgot that you're stuck on the ground and don't have to worry about my natural predator" "ANYWAY, the big brother said 'no' and walked off" "OH GOD NO" Michelle begins to shake with sheer terror at the scary story she'd been told. "THAT'S NOT A THING THAT CAN HAPPEN RIGHT?! IT'S JUST MADE-UP" "i wouldn't be so sure about that" "OH NO" Michelle dives into her sleeping bag. "j-j-jakey p-please take me home"
[reward: respect +/gasoline t-shirt]

Mission 098: Please Baby Please [Svart of Darkness]
Jakey walks in on Svart and Jezzie having a conversation. "why don't you trust me enough to put me on your evil assignments?!" "evi-wha-we don't do assignments here it's all freeform" "no way i see you making your secretary's assistant get you a pizza all the time" "oh uh" "WELL ASK ME TO GET YOU A PIZZA" "uh okay go get me a pizza" "ON IT BOSS YOU WON'T REGRET THIS COME ON JAKEY" "what why me i am unaffiliated with your group" "i guess i'm all alone on this one" Svart of Darkness hangs his head, and runs over to the pizza place across the street. He comes back minutes later with a large pizza. "YOUR PIZZA IS HERE" "oh cool" Jezzie flips open the top of the box, but is horrified to see the toppings. "it is my favourite pizza; pineapple and ham" "it is perfect" "PINEAPPLE DOESN'T GO ON PIZZA YOU MORONS" "jakey shush" "NO THIS IS BULLSHIT" "svart here has created me the ultimate evil pizza and i am astounded at his progress" Jezzie flicks Jakey out of the building to have a pizza party with her fast-improving protege. Jakey turns around and sees the pizza place that would enable such horrors, and knows what must be done. He pulls out his phone and calls Father Brucie. "father we have a code 15 dash P" "oh no i will be right over my son" Father Brucie appears almost instantly and pours holy water all over the employees of the pizza store. "BEGONE DEMONS" "my work here is left half-finished; just the way i like it" Jakey walks off, dusting off his hands, and dusts straight into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Father Brucie missions]

Mission 099: A Bone to Pick [Jezzie]
"oh good jakey you're just in time i would like you to take me down to the bone zone" "the wha-wha-wha-" "oh you've never been? i suppose i'll show you the way come on" Jezzie grabs Jakey's hand and snaps her fingers, and they are instantly teleported to an underground cavern filled with skeletons living in houses made entirely of bone. "..." "..." "what what did you think i meant" "i thought that i would be the one supplying the bones" "oh no no no they'll give you as many bones as you need now let's go" Jakey is led through the winding streets of The Bone Zone down to a little bony shack on a bony hill. "knock and also knock" "no one's home" "oh that is a shame because i was prepared to give bonerietta a delicious cake" The door is whipped open, and a skeleton wearing a pink bow stands at the door. "hey listen as the legal owner of the bone zone, i need you to pay your bony taxes" "wait what i already paid those last year" "uh well it's a yearly thing" "WHAT that's absolutely ridiculous" "i know right" Bonerietta digs into her wallet and hands Jezzie a crisp five dollar bill. "sweet i'll leave you two alone now" "wait what why" "isn't your whole thing about wanting to hold hands with every girl you meet" "not EVERY girl" "what's wrong with bonerietta" "i kind of like my women to have more meat on their bones; ANY meat on their bones really" The heads of every resident of The Bone Zone turns to face Jakey at once. "well bye" "WAIT NO-" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and is gone in an instant. The denizens of The Bone Zone descend onto Jakey like a horde of rabid dogs, and huck him out of their cave. "AND NEVER COME BACK" "... uh that went well i suppose" "AND TAKE THIS WITH YOU" A skeleton throws Michelle at Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Bone Zone t-shirt]