Something to Talk About (2018)

Mission 025: Food for Thought [Deputy Orange]
"oh jakey good you're just in time for the grand opening of my new restaurant" "what kind of food are we talking about here" "wrong question; ask a different one or you'll ruin the joke" "um okay what's the name of the place" "hobon appetit" "what" "the finest in hobo cuisine!!!" "like, rat stew?" "that's just the tip of the iceberg!!! i have some of the world's best scavengers rummaging through other restaurants' garbage for scraps to serve to our customers" "is that legal" "there are no laws specifically against it" "fair enough then" "so would you like to try anything?" "well the old boot roasted over a garbage can fire sounds good" "oh yes it is one of my favourites; would you like the gutter water sauce?" "in a little cup on the side please" "certainly sir" Deputy Orange leaves for a moment, then returns with Jakey's old boot and Michelle's pigeon sandwich. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Hobon Appetit t-shirt]

Mission 026: Filling the Quota [Gwendolyn]
"yo gwendo how's death been treating you" "terrible my boss wants me to report in for an inspection" "i didn't know you had a boss" "oh right i must have forgotten to tell you; every undead is classed as 'evil' regardless of their words and deeds so i have to report to the evil demon queen every so often to report my evil deeds" "do you have any evil deeds?" "uh no maybe you could give me a ride and on the way we could do that thing where we go into bathroom stalls, lock them, then crawl out through the bottom" "i'm pretty sure that's punishable with the death penalty in alabama" "good job i've been dead for over five centuries come on" Jakey and Gwendolyn hop into The Motherfucker and head down to Evil Demon Inc., locking some bathroom stalls along the way. Kathy sits at the reception desk, while Sara shines her socks and sandals. "i've got an appointment" "oh yes the boss is expecting you" Kathy cocks her head to the side, and Sara presses a button under the desk, which encases Gwendolyn and Jakey in a tube, which sends them soaring upward to the top floor of the tower. "ah glad you could make it gwendy and you brought a friend nice go on sit sit" The demon queen motions to two padded chairs, which Jakey and Gwendolyn sit on. "so gwendy i've noticed a surge in evil activity on the path from your house to here was that your doing" "yes i leave evil in my wake wherever i go ma'am" "please no need to be so formal call me jezzie hey who's your friend" "this is my uh butler" "you're a terrible liar; this is obviously the prince of canada" "if you knew then why did you ask" Jezzie shrugs. "well gwendy your audit went well; your evil license will be renewed for another eight years" "cool" Jezzie gets a call from Kathy in the lobby. "boss your next appointment is here" "send her in" Second later, Michelle appears in the room. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions]

Mission 027: Dirty Laundry [Gwendolyn]
"hey gwendo are you ready for the event soon" "ready as i'll ever be" The jingle-jangle of spurs is heard as Gwendolyn walks over to and opens the door. "uh" "it's laundry day so i had to wear some of my old clothes" "like i understand the outfit but were the spurs and ten-gallon hat really necessary" "i didn't want all the other cowpokes to laugh at me" "fair enough; let's get going to that event" Jakey and Gwendolyn hop into The Motherfucker and drive down to the event, where all of Alabama's elite are found. "hello everyone" "howdy" "nice hat" "the horses don't respect you if you haven't got the hat" "makes sense" Jakey and Gwendolyn wade through the crowd until they get to the snack table, where they find Sheriff Antony. "howdy" Sheriff Antony stands up, stiff as a board; finally finding the cowmistress of his dreams. "sheriff antony remember the time you got married and are still married???" "oh right stay here miss i'm off to get a divorce" "that's probably not a good idea" "you're right; it is a great idea" Sheriff Antony rushes out of the event hall, but is bowled over by Michelle. He's knocked out as he hits his head on a step, erasing his memory of the last hour. Michelle rushes up to the snack table and begins shovelling miniature tacos into her handbag. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 028: One Small Request [King Bran]
"halt" "yo emmo what's going on what's with the crowd" "today's the monthly 'ask king bran to make a law or something' day" "oh damn" "the turnout is always ridiculous so we've had to make it appointment-only; we're booked for years in advance" "okay but can i watch" "well the grandstands are also full and booked for years in advance, but i suppose king bran wouldn't mind if we set you up in the VIP box" Emelyn motions Jakey over to the VIP entrance. "man i've never been I before in my life, let alone VI" "congratulations" Jakey takes a seat in the VIP box next to Sheriff Antony, who is mowing down bucket after bucket of VIPopcorn. "NEXT" "hello my lord-king i have come to ask you for help shattering my competition" "are they doing anything illegal/immoral" "possibly!!!" "oh dear we can't have that" "i agree; it is called the pixington auto showroom just across the border in the obnoxious celtic country" "oh that's out of my jurisdiction i can't do anything" "but-" "NEXT" "i-" "NEXT" Crazy Svart hangs his head and drags his sad carcass out of the throne room as Michelle walks up to the throne. "oh your branly king-highness; please grant me a boon; i require my dear brother jakey to take me home"
[reward: respect +/Emelyn missions/Crazy Svart missions]

Mission 029: Master of Ceremonies [King Bran]
"oh good jakey you are just in time; i am about to host the annual alabamanian hall of fame admittance ceremony where the best alabamanians are inducted and honoured for ages to come" "oh boy who's getting in this year?!" "that is the question on everyone's mind!!! except mine because i know already" "then tell me the answer so i don't have to sit through all the lame dance acts!!!" "just take this and press the button and you will be warped forward in time twenty minutes to the reveal" "SWEET" Jakey does as he's told, and ends up in his seat, watching King Bran wave to the crowd. "hello and welcome to the alabamanian hall of fame admittance ceremony; as you know this is the greatest honour an alabamanian citizen can receive, aside from maybe spelling bee champion; and without further delay, the newest member of the hall is none other than KING BRAN" King Bran grabs his award, single tears streaming down his face. "i am honoured that the amazing + talented + handsome myself would induct me into the hall of fame" Jakey turns to talk to Michelle as the crowd erupts into applause. "wow i didn't see that one coming!!!" "it's almost as exciting as last year when king bran inducted himself!!!" "i know right!!!" "it's almost as exciting as that one time you took me home!!!"
[reward: respect +/VHS recording of the ceremony]

Mission 030: The Evil That (Wo)men Do [Jezzie]
"oh i'm so glad you could make it jakey" "well i was very um taken aback by your beauty" "of course i'm beautiful; whatever could a dumpy demoness get done?" "not much i'm sure" "exactly; now i've got to go and deliver a warning to a ghost who hasn't been hitting her haunting quota; i don't want to have to demote her but she needs a fire lit under her so she'll get in gear" "okay uh do you need a ride?" Jezzie begins to laugh. "it's cute that you'd think that" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and suddenly she and Jakey are at the film studio. "wha-what" "don't worry you'll get used to it" Jezzie produces a silver whistle from her breast pocket, and begins to blow. Jakey doesn't hear anything, but within seconds, Claire rushes out, covering her ears and yelling for Jezzie to stop. "ah there you are now listen claire claire this is important you've got a job to do here; this film studio isn't being haunted as much as it should be and that's no good; we've got a quota to hit" "i'm aware but they're not currently filming anything here" "oh hmm okay i see i see i guess i'll have to pull some strings and get them to make another comic book movie where all the characters are black for no reason" "YOU MONSTER" "thanks i appreciate the compliment" Jezzie snaps her fingers and disappears. Within seconds, a film crew appears to set up for production of their hit movie based on the character of Greatman. A poster is put up, showing Greatman as a proud black woman. "WHAT THE FUCK" "they've really outdone themselves this time" Claire shakes her head. "well i'm off to haunt the film studio" "and i'm off to get a machine gun" Jakey begins to walk off, but is stopped by Michelle. "but jakey you said you'd be off to take me home"
[reward: respect +/Claire Who is a Ghost missions]

Mission 031: A Grave Error [Jezzie]
"oh good you're just in time; you know that gravedigger girl you hang out with" "yeah" "well i was thinking that if i could turn her over to evil then the forces of darkness could turn all of those lifeless corpses into undead soldiers!!!" "i don't think she'll go for it" "do not worry; i have a plan" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and she and Jakey instantly appear outside Valerie's shack. Jezzie wastes no time knocking on Valerie's door. "GAH" A loud crash is heard as Valerie scrambles to the door. "i-i-i d-don't know wh-what you're s-selling b-but i-i-i-i d-don't want any" "i'm not selling anything miss valerie i am offering you a deal" "i-i-i-i d-don't deal w-with demons" Valerie attempts to shut the door, but Jezzie wriggles her way into the shack. "with my power and your limitless acres of dead bodies we could rule the world!!!" "n-not interested" "oh come on please" "n-no" "dammit i thought that would work" Jezzie snaps her fingers and leaves to regroup and come up with another plan. Valerie crumples up on the floor and begins to worry with intensity unrivaled by the world's champions of worry and fear. Jakey goes to step in, but Michelle shakes her head. "what she needs right now is for you to take me home"
[reward: respect +/Valerie missions]

Mission 032: Am I Evil? [Jezzie]
"oh for FUCK'S SAKE" "did i come at a bad time" "NO uh no you came at the perfect time you're just the guy i wanted and also needed to see!!!" "i get that a lot" "yes yes now listen; i am having trouble convincing one of your little friends that she's actually evil" "i don't think sara's evil just a little misguided" "no no not her; i'm talking about the assassin" "oh right her" "assassin is inherently an evil occupation; thus she is evil" "i'm not sure that's how it works; was robin hood evil just because he was a thief" "YES HE WAS; THE KINGS WERE GOING TO USE THAT MONEY TO PAVE THE ROADS" "oh fuck" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and suddenly she and Jakey are in a messy apartment. Sophia is watching television from within a fort made out of couch cushions, pillows, and blankets. A sign dangles from the corner of the fort, saying 'NO TRESPASSERS'. "it looks like she's busy" "that's the beauty of technology; we can just pause our favourite programmes and resume them when we're done" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and time stops for all but herself, Jakey, and Sophia. "oh no where's the remote" Sophia feels around for the remote as Jakey and Jezzie enter the fort. "hello miss drake" "oh god it's you again" "and jakey!!!" "oh hi jakey" "hi" "so i've brought those documents i mentioned earlier" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and a pile of legal documents appears within the fort. "what are these" "they explain in detail how assassin is legally an evil profession" "i took the alignment test when i got my alabama ID and i got true neutral" "if you were truly true neutral, you'd have a true neutral profession like dentist or plumber; your occupation brings you down to neutral evil miss drake" "what's more neutral than working for whomever is willing to pay" "something that doesn't involve killing, i'd imagine" Sophia tilts her head back in exasperation. "look miss drake you can either sign the document and report to me every so often on your evil progress, or we can get the lawyers involved and go through a messy and expensive legal battle that i'll win anyway" "i'll risk it" "of course y-WHAT" "see you in court" "FIRST THAT RESISTANCE LEADOUR WOMAN RESISTS ALL MY ATTEMPTS TO GET HER INTO THE FOLD AND NOW THIS" Jezzie storms out of the fort and snaps her fingers twice to unfreeze time and to teleport back to her office. "wow that was brave" "uh yeah hey jakey do you know any lawyers" "i'll go shopping for one" "thanks" Sophia turns her attention back to her show as Michelle invades the fort. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sophia missions/Resistance Leadour missions]

Mission 033: The Future is Looking Bleak [Jezzie]
"yo jezzie" "oh good jakey you are just in time; your friend from the future is here telling me all about it" "yeah it's kind of decent i suppose; there's no like food and there's only one song but it's a good song and really what more can you ask for" "so how does the future treat evil people" "oh evil was made illegal back in 2078" "WHAT" "sorry i meant FORWARD in 2078" "this isn't good at all" "i don't know; the people of the future seem to enjoy it" "how can there be any joy in life without evil!!!" "people tend to enjoy not being murdered" "oh PFF that is not at all all there is to evil!!! evil is the beauty of power outages in the middle of the super bowl; the sublime aural delight of a baby crying after you took away its candy; the most beautiful things in all of creation are evil and that's all there is to it" "yeah i uh am pretty sure most of the world would disagree" "i'll bring them around, one way or another" Jezzie rubs her hands together as she presses the trap door button with her foot, sending Azalea and Jakey plummetting down to the first floor. "so this conversation has surely changed the future" "that is most likely true" "are you going to go back to the future and see what's happened" "nah i like to play these things by ear" "fair enough" Michelle falls from the trap door in Jezzie's office right onto Jakey's head. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Azalea missions]

Mission 034: I Had an Idea [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey i had this amazing idea last night as i was about to fall asleep" "did you write it down?" "no i went to sleep thinking 'aw this idea is so good that i will surely remember it in the morning' LIKE A FOOL" "that was indeed foolish" "and so i have spent my life's savings on a machine that will extract the idea from the deepest recesses of my brain" Sheriff Antony puts on a gigantic helmet. "godspeed, sheriff antony, godspeed" The idea plays on a gigantic monitor in the back of the room for both Sheriff Antony and Jakey to watch. "..." "..." "THAT IDEA WAS TERRIBLE" "it should have stayed forgotten" "i'm glad that i didn't have that idea, or else i would surely be killing myself right now" "hey that's a really good idea" "be sure to write it down" "oh for sure; i'm not making that mistake again" Michelle walks up to Jakey. "hey jakey i had a great idea last night as i was falling asleep; i was sure to write it down even!!!" Michelle holds up a pad of paper, which has written on it 'have Jakey take me home'.
[reward: respect +/lightbulb jacket]

Mission 035: Stained Red [Emelyn]
"jakey do you know any vampires" "a couple why" "there's this gigantic bloodstain on the carpet!!! at first i thought it was wine so i had some local hobos lick it but they said it was blood and left" "oh well let me make a call or two" Jakey pulls out his phone and calls Gwendolyn. "yo gwendo we've got this gigantic blood-" Gwendolyn flies straight into the window as a bat, sliding down the glassy surface. "aw man i just cleaned that" Emelyn opens the window, and Gwendolyn flies straight in. "i heard blood the word of it i may have a concussion but i could never forget mentions of blood" "yeah it's uh all in this carpet" Emelyn motions to a gigantic bloodstain. "well this is different; i suppose i will give it a try though" Gwendolyn motions for Jakey and Emelyn to leave the room as she ties her hair back, not wanting it to get into the blood. "i can respect the want for privacy as you work" "it's less the drinking of the blood and more the 'licking the carpet' part" "don't worry i always make sure my floor and clean enough to eat off of" "good to know" Gwendolyn shuts the door behind her and gets to work. "well i am glad we could resolve that problem" "oh right that reminds me your sister told me to give you this note" Emelyn hands Jakey a note from Michelle. "'please come outside i am locked inside your motorised vehicle and need you to take me home'"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 036: Breaking Point [Crazy Svart]
"i've had it; no more mr. nice guy" "pardon?" "it's no longer enough for me to put that pixington auto showroom out of business; i need to send a MESSAGE i need to KILL THAT PIXINGTON" "uh-oh" "i have a FOOLPROOF PLAN; that pixington woman flies to work every day at one PM i will be waiting to intercept her beneath her favourite tunnel to fly under, and collapse it with this dynamite" "uh dude both murder and blowing up tunnels are illegal" "if anyone asks, i'll just say i didn't do it" "oh smart" "shhh she's coming" Amber flies through the tunnel, twisting and twirling through traffic, the wind and the excitement of life flowing through her. Crazy Svart slams down hard on the plunger, but nothing happens, and Amber flies out of the tunnel. "meep meep" "WHAT" Crazy Svart stomps into the tunnel and kicks over the bundle of dynamite, causing it to explode instantly and crush him to death. "uh dude? you okay in there?" Jakey glances around nervously. "well uh if it's okay with you dude i'm just going to go and take michelle home now" Michelle pops out of the rubble, unscathed. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Amber missions]

Mission 037: Dark Revival [Crazy Svart]
"oh crazy svart you're okay!!! i knew that if i just did nothing then everything would be all right!!!" "yes i am glad that you did nothing, for i have been revived by the darkness; stronger and more determined than ever to KILL THAT PIXINGTON" "uh pardon?" "it's all thanks to miss jezzie" Jezzie steps out of the shadows, grinning an evil grin. "uh hey" "hey what's up" "still trying to wrap my head around this" "it's simple; i am no longer crazy svart; i am now SVART OF DARKNESS" "..." "..." "so your name is now 'black of darkness'?" "uh we'll work on that one" "yeah somehow i don't see this whole 'evil crazy svart' thing working out" "his heart is in the right place, at least" "miss jezzie was just telling me that the key to destroying my enemies is to become one with evil itself!!! i'm going out to steal candy from some babies later wanna come" "i'll pass" "you don't know what you're missing jakey!!!" "maybe next time" Svart of Darkness and Jezzie walk outside to steal candy from babies. Michelle walks in, making sure her own candy is safe. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jezzie missions]

Mission 038: Darkest Darkness [Svart of Darkness]
"good news jakey; two more evil acts and i can trade in my tickets for an evil pencil eraser!!!" Svart of Darkness shows Jakey the evil ticket exchange catalogue. "hmm if i were you, i'd save up for the evil hand grenade; never know when one of those will come in handy" "but i've had this mistake i wrote on my second grade spelling test that i've been waiting to erase for over twenty years!!!" "oh nevermind then" "but enough about that; would you like to take in a show" "oh sure sure" Jakey and Svart of Darkness hop into The Motherfucker and drive down to the club, where they see another oft-forgotten friend. "hey amiee :3 how's the newpaper thing going" "the wha-OH right the newspaper business; jakey that was yesterday's news!!! get with the times!!! i am now a stand-up comedian!!!" "a what" "i stand in front of a brick wall and tell jokes until the crowd begins to throw rotten vegetables at me (usually tomatoes)" "that doesn't sound very fun" "well not if you focus on the tomatoes!!! sometimes i will get a polite chuckle out of someone and that makes it all worth it!!!" "it must be tough trying to be funny; i know that i'd be terrible at it" "i agree now let us never again think of a world where you try to be funny on a regular basis" "agreed" "jakey let's take our seats the show is about to start" "oh yeah see you later amiee :3" Jakey and Svart of Darkness take their seats as Amiee :3 takes the stage. "so what's the deal with airline food? someone please tell me i'm afraid of flying" "BOOOOOO HISS" Svart of Darkness loudly boos Amiee :3. "sorry my jokes aren't as hilarious as your outfit dude but nothing is THAT funny" "WHAT TAKE THAT BACK MY CAPE IS AWESOME" "yeah you're right i'm just jealous; you'll be a big hit at the dork convention this weekend" Svart of Darkness slumps into his seat as Amiee :3 continues her set to the occasional cough or polite chuckle. "and i'm out!!! don't forget to take your sister home!!!" Michelle taps Jakey on the shoulder. "yeah jakey don't forget to take me home"
[reward: respect +/brick wall t-shirt]

Mission 039: Dark Destiny [Svart of Darkness]
"miss jezzie says that since i joined the evil fold, evil rates in this district have skyrocketed!!! she is such a nice evil demoness!!!" Svart of Darkness thinks for a moment. "i wonder if she likes ravioli" "that depends; is the ravioli evil" "hmm sounds like i've got to get myself an evil cookbook; thank you so much for telling her about me!!!" "pardon?" "she said when she introduced herself that she found out about me through you" "her statement was true, but i believe you have misunderstood what she meant" "oh well it doesn't matter; i am just so glad we've met!!!" "i'll bet" "hey you should be happy now i no longer have a crush on your sister" "a WHAT ON MY WHAT" Jakey reflexively punches Svart of Darkness right in the face. "dude ow" "yeah i may have overreacted a bit" "you can have these back now" Svart of Darkness hands Jakey the big glossy photographs he took of Michelle in the shower, to which Jakey responds with another haymaker. "okay i deserved that one" Michelle walks up and grabs the photographs from Jakey. "jakey if you wanted copies i could have given you them; just say the word and take me home"
[reward: respect +/glossy photographs appear at safehouses]

Mission 040: Haunting Refrain [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"okay claire i've got it; what if you convince jezzie that you're not actually a ghost" "jakey look at me; what am i supposed to do just say someone covered me in white paint?" "say you're a ghoul instead" "ew no" "poltergeist?" "that's the same thing as a ghost!!!" "really?" "listen thanks for your attempt at help but i've got this; i've given directour a fit of divine inspiration by possessing some curtains and flailing about" "wait what" Directour kicks in the door to the studio. "I HAVE FOUND OUR STAR" Directour shoves Rachel into the studio. "uh hey" "hey" "RACHEL WILL PLAY OUR LEAD IN SCHOOL PLAY: THE MOVIE" "so what am i playing; george washington? george bush? curious george?" "oh nothing so boring miss; come let's get you fitted for a costume" Directour shoves Rachel into the fitting room. "i have a bad feeling about this" "ah she'll be fine; more importantly, having a possession be witnessed AND having it change the future this much fills my haunting quota for the next couple of years" "oh congratulations; what are you going to do in the meantime" "oh i have grand plans; take me home and i will show you" "sorry i uh have signed a legally-binding contract giving my sister exclusive rights to be taken home by me; i can drop you off anywhere else but not at your home" "oh uh okay drop me off at the house next to mine" "all right" Jakey and Claire hop into The Motherfucker and ride to the house next to Claire's, where Michelle sits on the stoop. "oh good you received my fax; take me home"
[reward: respect +/Rachel missions]

Mission 041: Vacation All I Ever Wanted [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"so claire explain to me these grand plans of yours" Jakey rounds the corner to see Claire hunched over her table with a bottle of ghost whiskey. "they've been dashed; i can't go where i wanted and couldn't get there anyway" Claire's head slams down onto her arm, and she slides over a piece of ghost paper with scribbles all over it. "they don't allow ghosts into disneyland unless they are grim and grinning" "you're great at grinning though" "yeah but i'm the least grim motherfucker ever and besides ghosts aren't allowed on airplanes" "take a ship" "UGH last time i tried to take a ghost ship i got seasick and couldn't even enjoy the trip" "well uh i could take you to a vacation spot" "that still leaves the destination problem" "how about mount kilamanjaro" "pfft what kind of vacation destination doesn't have 'land' in its name?" "what about 'village'" "UGH don't even get me STARTED on villages" "okay how about switzer-land" "ew" "how about you just stay home and we play candy land" "..." "..." "FUCK YES" Claire sweeps everything off of the table and scrambles to get the Candy Land board. "have you ever played the ethereal version of candy land before" "can't say that i have" "oh then you're in for a treat uh no pun intended" Jakey and Claire sit down to play a game of Candy Land, and once all the candy has been had, Michelle walks up wearing Mickey Mouse ears. "aw FUCK i knew i should have gone to candy land instead of disneyland; take me home"
[reward: respect +/Candy Land t-shirt]

Mission 042: Preventative Measures [Valerie]
Jakey walks up to Valerie conversing with Father Brucie. "o-okay s-so here's th-the deal: a-an evil w-woman is planning t-to revive all of th-the corpses i-in my graveyard" "say no more my child" Father Brucie throws his hands to his sides, his long, flowing robes blowing in the wind. A cross and a vial of holy water spill from his sleeves into his hands, and he begins a prayer. "g-go father go!!! consecrate th-this ground l-like a can o-of orange juice!!!" "uh valerie that's not-" "w-wait wh-what's that n-noise" "it sounds like music" Jakey and Valerie walk over to a wireless boombox. "'CAUSE THIS IS THRILLER THRILLER NIGHT" "shit i see what she's doing" Jakey presses the skip button on the boombox, and Monster Mash begins to play. "oh god it's a CUSTOM BURNT COMPACT DISC" "o-oh god" "STAND BACK MY CHILDREN" Father Brucie holds a crucifix to the boombox, banishing the devil's music back to whence it came. "th-thank you s-so much f-father!!!" "any time, my child" Father Brucie sheathes his cross, then produces a single Michelle for Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Thriller t-shirt/Father Brucie missions]

Mission 043: Prevent Defense [Valerie]
Jakey walks up to Valerie, who is scrambling all over her graveyard, which is looking unusually shiny. "hey val-" "GAH" Valerie leaps ten feet into the air. "o-oh i-it's you j-jakey h-hi" "what are you doing" "w-well i-i-i figured th-that i-i'd better be e-extra careful with th-the threat of a-an u-undead uprising!!! s-so i-i-i a-am covering th-the ground i-in plastic wrap" "oh um" "a-and i-i'm also covering it i-in th-those can rings th-that fish get st-stuck in" "ooh that's a good idea" "th-thanks" "you should coat the plastic wrap in vasoline so if they do break through they will slip and fall and hurt themselves" "o-OH g-great idea!!!" Just then, Michelle drops a gigantic tub of vasoline onto Valerie's pickup truck, crushing it. "I-IT'S A MIRACLE!!!" "TAKE ME HOME"
[reward: respect +/can rings jacket]

Mission 044: Pick 'em Up Truck [Valerie]
Jakey walks up to Valerie, who is standing over her crushed truck, dejected. "i-i-i was h-happy when i-it happened b-but n-now i-i-i wish it h-hadn't" "it was kind of an old piece of shit" "b-but i-it was m-my old p-piece of shit!!!" "i can buy you a new one" "i-i-it's not th-the same!!!" "yes, it is better" "m-maybe o-objectively b-but not s-sentimentally!!!" "okay close your eyes and don't open them until i tell you to" "o-okay" Valerie shuts her eyes tight, and Jakey walks over into the bushes and gets on the walkie-talkie to Grace. "hey grace i-" "why are you using the walkie-talkie when you're stradling me like a horse" Jakey looks down and notices Grace lying there looking up at him. "GAH" Jakey falls over onto Grace's lower half. "did you want something or did you just want to crush my legs" "just air-lift that pile of rubble out of here and bring in a brand new truck" "what make/model" "it doesn't matter as long as it's brown" "manual or automatic" "it doesn't matter as long as it's brown" "hokay then" Grace runs off to get the helicopter as Jakey waits nervously. The old truck is airlifted out, and a brand new one is placed in its place. "good news valerie!!! i fixed your truck!!!" "r-really?!" "yeah!!!" "c-can i-i open my e-eyes a-and look at it" "..." "..." "uh, sure" Valerie opens her eyes, and her left eye lights up. "I-IT'S A MIRACLE!!!" Valerie runs over and hugs her truck. "i-it looks b-better than ever!!!" "i'll say" "b-but wh-where's th-the s-stick shift" "oh i uh also upgraded it to an automatic" "w-wow!!!" Michelle walks up to the truck and looks it over. "wow this is a pretty swell vehicle you've got here; perfect for jakey to take me home"
[reward: respect +/Special Agent Grace missions]

Mission 045: Short Notice [Sophia]
Jakey's phone rings. "hello" "hey how's it coming on finding me that lawyer" "i am right outside the office calm down" "sorry i'm finding it hard to be calm when the trial is TOMORROW and you still haven't found me a lawyer" "all part of the plan" "fine whatever just don't let me down" "wouldn't dream of it" Sophia hangs up, and Jakey enters the Canadian Embassy on US soil. "yo natalie how is my favourite ambassador to the united states" "everything's pretty calm now so i'm okay" "good good well how would you like to be a lawyer in a lawsuit" "oh no what did you do" "it's not me it's a friend and it's complete bullshit either way" "okay fine when's the trial" "tomorrow" "TOMORROW?!" "yeah did i stutter?" "you expect me to come up with a case in just 24 hours?!" "18 actually" "i knew i should have become a veterinarian" "aw it's not that bad; come on i'll take you to the movies" "oh good idea there's a triple feature that's gonna start soon" Natalie grabs her jacket, and she and Jakey head out for the theatre. "so are there any big american rules i need to know of before we enter" "no outside foods" "oh" Jakey sets his t-bone steak dinner back in The Motherfucker. After eight hours, Jakey and Natalie emerge from the theatre. "well that sucked" "yeah the first movie was bad but the second was TERRIBLE" "and don't even get me STARTED on the third" "so hey can you take me home so i can get in my ten hours of sleep before the trial tomorrow" "i can take you home-adjacent" "good enough" Jakey and Natalie hop into The Motherfucker and head to the house next door to Natalie's, where Michelle sits on the steps eating a t-bone steak dinner. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/triple feature t-shirt]

Mission 046: Trial of the Millennium [Sophia]
"so what's the strategy" "i have editted all of the wikipedia articles on famous assassins and assassinations so they seem fair and just" "oh man that's why we pay you the big bucks" "also on an unrelated note: if you check the wikipedia page for in-a-gadda-da-vida, you will notice that i wrote it" "wow!!! a great lawyer and musician!!! i am glad you're on our side!!!" Jakey, Natalie, and Sophia enter the courtroom, where the honourable judge King Bran presides. "so what's this trial about again i forgot" "well your honourable uh honour i am asserting that all assassins are, in fact, evil, while miss sophia is foolishly arguing the opposite" "okay let me check the wikipedia and i'll get back to you on that" King Bran scrolls through the Wikipedia page for assassination, clicking on many links. "well, my exhaustive research has led me to one clear fact: assassination, and, by that measure, assassins, is NOT inherently evil; in fact, the opposite seems to be true" "WHAT" "the court rules in favour of miss sophia; miss jezzie must pay all of the court costs for both parties" Jezzie stamps her foot, her cheeks puffed out. "I'LL GET YOU YET SOPHIA" "sure" Jezzie disappears in a puff of smoke. "well i'm glad that's settled" "can the movies we watched yesterday be considered court fees" "i don't see why not" "yessssss" "anyway next up: the case of michelle v. jakey" King Bran bangs his gavel, and Michelle walks into the court. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Natalie missions/King Bran missions]

Mission 047: Back to Business [Sophia]
"i'm glad that's over jakey" "yes the trial was gruelling but it all turned out all right" "good news: i've got another assassination contract and it's a great one" "oh cool who is it" "the ''''great'''' cheryl" "uh-" "don't sound so worried she's just a fraud like all the others" "no i can speak from experience that she is not" "oh don't tell me you got suckered in by the smoke and also the mirrors too!!! i expected better of you jakey!!!" "uh-" "and to prove it to you, i will go to murder her right now" Sophia heads out the door, Mr. Shooty in hand. "oh god here we go again" Jakey follows Sophia all the way to The Great Cheryl's stage show, begging and pleading for her to not do this. "i've got her in my sights jakey" "please don't" Sophia squeezes the trigger, and fires straight at The Great Cheryl. Time stops as The Great Cheryl twists the bullet and reverses its momentum. The bullet flies back and hits Sophia square between the eyes. Less than a second later, before anyone can react, Sophia's body erupts into flame as it burns down to ash. The ash then begins to melt down to nothing, the very atoms that made up Sophia melting out of existence. Next, the memory of Sophia begins to fade from Jakey's mind, and from every mind that ever knew her. Sophia, as anyone had ever known, was erased from every possible plane, except for one. In a cloud of darkness, Jezzie appears, and stands over the spot where Sophia once existed. "oh this won't do at all" "what are you talking about?" Jezzie snaps her fingers, and a new Sophia knits itself into the universe and everyone's memory. "hey thanks" "hey if it's not too much trouble can you be evil with me now" "well i guess i DO owe you one" Sophia shakes Jezzie's hand, the contract writing itself. "it's good to know that the last couple of days have been COMPLETELY pointless" "agreed!!!" Jezzie winks as she snaps her fingers and returns to her dark tower. "so uh what was being erased from existence like" "it wasn't so bad once i got over the initial shock" "oh cool" Michelle walks up and aims a squirt gun at The Great Cheryl. Jakey panics and tackles her to the ground. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Great Cheryl missions]

Mission 048: A Lot on My Plate [Resistance Leadour]
"oh good jakey i was just resisting calling you on the internet as we young folks do; i just bought a resistance bicycle to further my resistancely causes but i need a license plate before i can ride it; can you take me to the license plate store" "of course" Jakey and Resistance Leadour hop into The Motherfucker and head down to License Platez Я Us, where Shopkeepour stands behind the counter, chewing a fresh stick of 5 chewing gum. "wow this place is huge" "wall-to-wall license plates" "well my name starts with an R so let's start in the girl R section" "sounds logical" "let's see rachel raegan regina rhiannon rhonda riece rikki roberta rosa rosalina rose rosemary rosie roxanne rupertina ruth wait is it not here?!" "well it's not really a common name" "and rupertina is?!" "i guess it must be" "oh this is bullshit i am resisting the shit out of this fuck" "what? are you just going to sit here until they get resistance leadour license plates?" "yes" "that won't work" "yes it will; i guarantee that there will be resistance leadour license plates on this wall by this time tomorrow" "oh ho ho you're on" "okay if you win i will wear my hair in pigtails and let you ride me around town naked like a bicycle, and if I win, you have to buy the license plate for me" "..." "what's wrong" "that seems a bit lopsided" "i'm just confident that i will win" "fine you're on" Jakey and Resistance Leadour shake on it, as Michelle walks up with her freshly-bought license plate. "jakey i need to get this on my bicycle RIGHT AWAY so it doesn't get towed; could you take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jakey license plate appears at safehouses]

Mission 049: Gamblin' Man [Resistance Leadour]
"so it's been 24 hours" "yeah it has check it out" Resistance Leadour holds up a fresh license plate with her name on it. "WHAT" "oh shopkeepour told me they had a crate full of them in the back so take this up to the counter and buy it for me like you promised" "fine" Jakey takes the license plate from Resistance Leadour's hand and exchanges his own money for it. "sweet this will look great attached to my bicycle" "should we go get it or-" "nah i had my cousin butlour carry it over for me" Resistance Leadour motions to a brown bicycle in the rack. "why did you choose brown" "because i'm a GIRL jakey and GIRLS like BROWN" "what no that's not how it works" "then WHY do so many of us have brown hair?!" "genetics" "there exists so much technology these days to change over to any colour in the visible spectrum; if we didn't like brown why would we keep our hair that colour?!" "uh-" "EXACTLY" Resistance Leadour attaches her new license plate to her bicycle while Jakey stands in place, unable to come up with an argument. "there all done" "so uh are you going to ride it" "i uh don't know how" "why'd you buy a bicycle if you can't ride one?!" "i figured it would just come to me in a fit of divine inspiration" "oh of course" "well maybe at my house it will; i'm going to walk it home have a nice day jakey and thanks for buying the plate for me" Resistance Leadour puts a leash onto her bicycle and walks it due east. Michelle walks up from the west, walking her own brown bicycle on a leash. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/brown bicycle t-shirt]