Something to Talk About (2018)

Mission 100: Throwing Stones [Father Brucie]
"JAKEY GOOD TIMING YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME" Father Brucie scrambles around, removing panes of glass from the walls. "um what's up dude" "THE KING IS COMING OVER AND WANTS TO SEE OUR STAINED GLASS WINDOWS BUT LAST NIGHT I GOT WASTED AND USED STAIN REMOVER ON THEM AND NOW THEY'RE JUST CLEAR" "uh-oh" "you've got to help me dude" "all right all right any ideas on how to stain this shit" "kool-aid is pretty hard to get out of carpets so i assume it will be the same for windows" "got it" Jakey runs out of the church and returns a few minutes later, dumping powdered Kool-Aid all over the windows. "uh i meant kool-aid in its liquid form" "wait what" "kool-aid is a drink you mix it with water" "OH i've been doing it all wrong then" The double doors of the church slam open as King Bran enters to the tune of his personal intro theme song. "hello" Father Brucie begins to sweat profusely. "where the windows at" "right here dude" Jakey sweeps the Kool-Aid dust off of the windows, revealing beautifully-coloured stained glass windows. "hmm hmmmmmmmmmmm i've got just the solution" King Bran claps his hands, and Emelyn appears from behind him and visciously scrubs the stains out of the windows, rendering them completely clear. "oh uh thanks" "don't mention it; it wouldn't do to have our religious institutions feature such unclean windows" "word" King Bran leaves the same way he came in, his outro theme blaring. "that went well" The pile of Kool-Aid dust begins to rumble, and from within pops out a Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions/Emelyn missions]

Mission 101: Poetry for the Ages [King Bran]
"yo jakey check out this poem i wrote all of my subjects said it was 'sick as all hell yo' whatever that means" "all right lay it on me" "sorry i am too excited to read it aloud; here it is on paper" King Bran hands Jakey a piece of paper. "'i am late so i need to rush / through the trees and the bush' uh those words don't rhyme" "WHAT yes they do they are totally spelled the same" "whatever; 'i needed to take my girl to the ballet / but i had forgotten at home my wallet' um those don't rhyme either" "just keep going" "fine fine; 'but there is nothing i wouldn't do / away and away i was destined to go' dammit king bran" "dammit jakey just read the thing" "'but alas and oh what woe / when a pebble went into my shoe' WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS" "it's called art dude maybe you should read some books sometime" King Bran snatches his poem away from Jakey. "i'll let you try again once you get some culture" "bu-" King Bran slaps a button on his throne, and Jakey is launched outside, right next to Michelle. "ah jakey i'm glad you've come / please do take me home"
[reward: respect +/an aneurysm]

Mission 102: A Clean Slate [Emelyn]
"JAKEY IT'S AWFUL sheriff antony asked me to clean his hat but it's reacted poorly to the detergent and is now purple!!!" "oh eugh" "you've got to help me destroy the evidence and hypnotise sheriff antony into believing he never even had a hat" "that sounds difficult why don't we just tell him the truth" "because that's dumb" "oh right" "HELLO I AM HERE FOR MY HAT BACK" "OH NO i mean uh COMING" Emelyn shoves the hat into Jakey's hands and runs for the door, motioning for Jakey to hide it. Jakey hucks it onto the chandelier. Emelyn opens the door to greet Sheriff Antony, who is wearing his trademark hat. "wait what i thought-" Emelyn elbows Jakey in the ribs. "hello i am here to pick up my hat" "but you're wearing-" Emelyn elbows Jakey again. "what hat" "the hat i left you to clean" "never heard of it" "come on it is my best blue hat i need it" "never heard of that colour" "you're wearing it right now" Emelyn rips off her maid uniform. "wearing what right now" "your eyes are that colour" Emelyn pulls out a knife, and Jakey wrestles her down. The knife goes flying up, and the hilt hits the hat Jakey put on the chandelier, and the hat falls down into Sheriff Antony's arms. "ah there it is; blue as ever thanks" Sheriff Antony flips a quarter to Emelyn and leaves. "..." "..." "never speak of this again" Michelle emerges from the pile of discarded clothing. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 103: All Around Me are Familiar Faces [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey there's a disturbance in the square; the locals are worried about it so could you go check it out" "i suppose" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives down to the town square, where a woman with stark white hair continually fires a handgun straight down at the earth. "hello what's your name miss?" "my name is unimportant" "oh hey unimportant; i'm jakey" He gets no response. "so uh whatcha doin" "i am attempting to shoot the earth out of orbit; ending all life before anyone has a chance to experience the terrible pain i have" "uh care to elaborate?" "FOUR YEARS AGO, i went to the IHOP for my birthday and ordered my favourite birthday treat; the smiley stack" "uh-oh" A memory flashes through Jakey's mind, and sweat begins to pour down his face. "the waitress put the plate down on the table, and the pancakes were not smiling; they were FROWNING; I WAS SERVED A FROWNY STACK" "..." "things were never the same after that day; the shock of the event turned my hair a stark white, my eyes bled from the horror, leaving permanent bloodstains, and just like the pancakes on the plate, my face twisted into an eternal frown, and i would never smile again" "who could bring such evil into the-" Jakey slaps his forehead, realising exactly who is behind this plot. "i don't know; but whoever it is had better hope it was worth it; i cannot allow anyone to feel such pain as i felt that day" "so uh why'd you wait four years to execute your plan?" "i couldn't get a gun until i turned 18, then there was a waiting period and background checks and i had to stockpile ammunition so i wouldn't run out so" "have you ever considered trying to find something to make you smile again?" "i've tried but nothing ever worked" "so hey if i can make you crack a smile will you stop shooting the earth?" Unimportant stops for a moment, then resumes firing. "if you can manage it, i will agree to stop firing" "ALL RIGHT" Jakey rubs his hands together and gets thinking as Michelle walks up to him. "it's probably a good idea to practice making people smile and you know what would make me smile? if you would take me home"
[reward: respect +/Unimportant missions]

Mission 104: Worn Out Places, Worn Out Faces [Unimportant]
"okay boy just like we rehearsed" Scraps wags his tail and barks happily. "okay go get her boy" Scraps runs up to Unimportant and wags his tail, barking happily. Unimportant's face turns to an even deeper frown. "this poor creature; so cute and lovable, yet so fragile and unaware of the horrors of the world it lives in" With renewed resolve, Unimportant continues firing at the ground. "hmm maybe she's more of a cat person" Michelle walks up to Jakey, and tosses Scraps a miniature bone. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/fragile puppy t-shirt]

Mission 105: Bright and Early for the Daily Races [Unimportant]
"hey hey unimportant check out this video i found on the internet" Jakey holds up a video of a kitten playing with a ball of yarn. Unimportant's frown decreases slightly, but still cannot be called a smile. The video of the kitten ends, and YouTube automatically goes to the next video, which is of a kitten being run over by a lawnmower. "WHAT THE FUCK" "FUCK FUCK NO GODDAMMIT TECHNOLOGY" Jakey throws his phone into Unimportant's line of fire. "THAT is why i must do what i do; so no more kittens will ever be run over by lawnmowers" "i uh g-good job" Jakey hangs his head and walks over to Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/lawnmower t-shirt]

Mission 106: Going Nowhere, Going Nowhere [Unimportant]
"unimportant, has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are" "uh no" "it's true!!! you are super-beautiful and have a GREAT rack" "it's not that impressive" She's right; Jakey never thought Unimportant's rack was better than 'just okay'. "no no no it's SUPERwhelming; i bet your smile is just as beautiful!!!" "thanks" Jakey grimmaces, as none of his truths OR lies have made a dent in Unimportant's grim visage. Michelle walks up to Jakey. "it's okay i'll smile if you tell me i'm beautiful or if you take me home"
[reward: respect +/SUPERwhelming t-shirt]

Mission 107: Their Tears are Filling Up Their Glasses [Unimportant]
"HEY UNIMPORTANT WHAT'S UP" Unimportant glances upward just in time to see Jakey slip and fall on a banana peel. "are you okay" "..." "..." "no, no i am not" "soon the pain you feel will be gone forever, along with everyone else's pain" "not if i can help it" Michelle runs up to Jakey, but slips on a banana peel. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/banana peel jacket]

Mission 108: No Expression, No Expression [Unimportant]
Jakey hands Unimportant a bottle of French's mustard. "wha-" "SMILE you've got french's!!!" "oh yes; i understand the reference" "do you really though?" "yeah" "o-okay then" "all right" Just then, Michelle falls from the sky, covered from head to toe in mustard. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/French's t-shirt]

Mission 109: Hide My Head, I Wanna Drown My Sorrow [Unimportant]
"okay it's time to cast off the spirit of the request and get the letter of it in order" Jakey walks up behind Unimportant and grabs the corners of her mouth, attempting to force them upward into a smile-like formation. However, instead of Unimportant's frown breaking, it is Jakey's fingers that break. "OW FUCK" "yeah i tried that too but uh my fingers didn't break like yours; you should probably drink more milk" "noted" Michelle walks up to Jakey and hands him a gallon of milk. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/broken fingers t-shirt]

Mission 110: No Tomorrow, No Tomorrow [Unimportant]
"hey unimportant i bought you an ice cream cone!!!" Unimportant takes the cone in her left hand, stonefaced, and begins to lick at it while continuing to shoot at the ground. "thank you for the ice cream; how did you know strawberry was my favourite flavour" "lucky guess i suppose" Michelle walks up, licking her own strawberry ice cream cone. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/strawberry ice cream t-shirt]

Mission 111: Children Waiting for the Day They Feel Good [Unimportant]
"HEY UNIMPORTANT look who i found walking around!!!" Jakey shoves the members of the Bee Gees toward Unimportant. "hello" Unimportant's mouth opens slightly, and her eyes widen. "i love your music guys; it is for you that i do what i do" "oh uh thanks" "keep up the uh good work" The Bee Gees leave, and Unimportant returns to her work with renewed resolve, lightly singing Jive Talkin'. Michelle joins in. "it's just your jive talkin'; you're takin' me home"
[reward: respect +/Bee Gees t-shirt]

Mission 112: Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday [Unimportant]
"UNIMPORTANT UNIMPORTANT GREAT NEWS YOU'VE WON THE AWARD!!!" Jakey hands Unimportant a huge trophy that says "Best at Shooting the Ground". Unimportant breathes in deeply. "thank you for recognising my efforts; i'd better defend my title so no one can steal it out from under me; time to redouble said efforts" Unimportant pulls out a second gun and tapes it to the first, so she is shooting two guns at once. Michelle presents Jakey with a huge trophy that says "Best at Taking Me Home". "well?! don't you want to defend your title?!" "not really" Michelle glares at Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/trophy appears at safehouses]

Mission 113: And to Feel the Way That Every Child Should [Unimportant]
"right here?" "yeah" "ALL RIGHT" Candice begins hammering away, building a gigantic theme park all around Unimportant. "WELCOME MISS UNIMPORTANT TO DISNEY LAND; THE HAPPIEST PLACE ON EARTH" Unimportant is completely unmoved, but a big line forms behind her to shoot the earth as well. A big line forms behind Michelle, as well. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Disney Land t-shirt]

Mission 114: Sit and Listen, Sit and Listen [Unimportant]
"hey unimportant it's nighttime isn't it time to get some rest" "n-no r-rest f-f-for th-the w-w-weary" "are you cold?" "y-yeah" Jakey takes off his jacket and puts it onto Unimportant's torso. "thank you; your kindness is motivating me to never give up" "... uh cool" Michelle walks up behind them. "your kindness is motivating ME to have you take me home"
[reward: respect +/no rest for the weary t-shirt]

Mission 115: Went to School and I Was Very Nervous [Unimportant]
"so unimportant i asked the sheriff for advice and he told me that i should give you the D so here you go" Jakey hands Unimportant a gigantic letter D. "do you like it" "it's uh D-lightful but i'll have to D-cline your generous gift" "oh do you prefer the letter F? i've got one of those too" "it's just uh i have nowhere to put it you see" "oh say no more; i will keep it at my place so you can come over to look at it anytime you want to" "uh thanks" "don't mention it" Michelle walks up, holding a gigantic letter B. "jakey you should B taking me home"
[reward: respect +/D t-shirt]

Mission 116: No One Knew Me, No One Knew Me [Unimportant]
"PIPING HOT-A PIZZA FOR-A YOU-A" Jakey slaps down a table and a hot pepperoni pizza next to Unimportant. "EAT-A IT-A UP BEFORE-A IT GETS-A COLD-A" "no thanks i already ate before i came out here" "oh more for me then" Jakey wolfs down the entire pizza. Michelle slaps down a ham and pineapple pizza on the table, and Unimportant turns to shoot it until there is nothing left, then returns to her plan. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/PIPING HOT-A PIZZA FOR-A YOU-A t-shirt]

Mission 117: Hello Teacher, Tell Me What's My Lesson [Unimportant]
Jakey sits at the bar next to Sheriff Antony, racking his brain for another dumb plan. "so jakey if she's so dead INSIDE, why not make her dead OUTSIDE as well?" "because i want to hold her hand and tenderly kiss her on the cheek" "who says you can't do that after?" "pretty sure that's illegal" "WHAT" Sheriff Antony flips through his big book of laws. "uh-oh um excuse me" Sheriff Antony runs out of the bar faster than he's ever run before, plowing over Michelle. "take me to the hospital then after that take me home"
[reward: respect +/laws t-shirt]

Mission 118: Look Right Through Me, Look Right Through Me [Unimportant]
"hey ressie can you resist something for me" "i thought you'd never ask just point me in a direction and let me do my magic" "okay see that girl over there? can you resist her sadness so she'll smile and then stop shooting the ground in perpetuity" "uh i've never resisted someone else's emotions before but i'll give it a shot" Resistance Leadour sits down next to Unimportant and begins resisting, but is knocked out instantly. "uh i didn't do it" Jakey rushes over to Resistance Leadour's side. "ressie wake up" "such profound sadness" Resistance Leadour begins to cry sorrowful tears, knowing Unimportant's pain. "if i had a gun i would join you in your quest" "wha-" Resistance Leadour mopes off, resisting the urge to commit suicide and end the pain she unknowingly stumbled into. "i'm sure that that won't be a problem come december" Michelle walks up, uneventfully. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/profound sadness t-shirt]

Mission 119: And I Find it Kind of Funny [Unimportant]
"okay so everyone loves jokes right" "uh no" "what" "listen i have been a standing up comedy person for months now and i have noticed everyone straight-up resisting any type of laughter" "well i don't think unimportant is very good at resistance so we don't have anything to worry about there" "okay" Amiee :3 looks around the area. "so uh" "go on, tell some jokes" "that's not how it works!!! i can't stand up to do comedy if there is no brick wall to stand up in front of!!!" "..." "..." "fine be that way just sit back and watch as the earth flies out of orbit" "okay" Michelle walks up and sets down a single brick. "only forty-nine more to go!!! but uh you'll have to get the rest i'm tired take me home"
[reward: respect +/brick wall t-shirt]

Mission 120: I Find it Kind of Sad [Unimportant]
Jakey plops down a traffic cone and some sawhorse barriers. "ALERT: YOU HAVE BEEN KICKED FROM THIS SERVER" "what are the charges" "IDLING" Unimportant moves her legs around a bit. "we cool now?" "uh sure" Jakey removes his barriers. "damn i thought that would work" Michelle walks up to Jakey holding a big red button. "jakey i will votekick you if you do not take me home"
[reward: respect +/ALERT: YOU HAVE BEEN KICKED FROM THIS SERVER t-shirt]

Mission 121: The Dreams in Which I'm Dying are the Best I've Ever Had [Unimportant]
"okay i didn't want to have to do this but it's time to unveil my hidden technique" Jakey spins around and begins to flail wildly. "what in the world are you doing" "i am forcing you to smile with my sick dance moves" "oh i thought you were having a seizure" "you're just jealous of my moves" "uh sure" Jakey curses himself; how can Unimportant smile if she is wracked with jealousy? Michelle does the hustle over to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/sick dance moves t-shirt]

Mission 122: I Find it Hard to Tell You [Unimportant]
Jakey walks up to Unimportant, who has stopped shooting. "oh hey what's up" "my gun is jammed" "oh that's an easy fix" Jakey takes Unimportant's gun and fixes the problem. "wow thanks jakey you've saved me a lot of time and money now back to work" Unimportant begins shooting the ground again, and Jakey slaps his forehead. Michelle holds a toy gun up to Jakey's head. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/gun t-shirt]

Mission 123: I Find it Hard to Take [Unimportant]
It's begun to rain. A crack of thunder is heard, and a bolt of lightning hurtles down toward Unimportant. Time slows down for a moment, as if the result of some otherworldly demonic force. Jezzie probably did it. Jakey leaps forward and shoves Unimportant out of the way, narrowly avoiding the lightning bolt that nearly killed Unimportant. "..." "..." "i-i um" Unimportant blushes deeply, but regains her composure and returns to her spot. "n-nice, that ought to help immensely; plus now i am COMPLETELY safe from the lightning as it NEVER strikes the same place twice; th-thank you for your help" "uh any time" Michelle walks up, charred and blackened from being stuck by lightning. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/lightning bolt jacket]

Mission 124: When People Run in Circles, it's a Very, Very [Unimportant]
Desperate, Jakey attempts a gambit he'd hoped he wouldn't have to try. "unimportant, the reason i've been trying to stop you from killing us all is that i-i-i i love you" "..." "..." Unimportant blushes and frowns deeply. "i've done a lot of soul-searching these last few hours, and i came to that same conclusion; i love you, too, and it is for that reason that i must continue my work, so you are never exposed to such evil as i have been" "o-oh" "do not worry my love; we will be reunited in our lord's kingdom of heaven" "u-uh c-cool" Unimportant leans over and kisses Jakey on the cheek as he stands there, shaking slightly and sweating uncontrollably. Michelle walks up behind him. "jakey why are you sweating so much?! are you suffering from withdrawals?! it's okay i'm here now you can take me home"
[reward: respect +/betrothal t-shirt]