game of the year all years

PAGE FIVE
here are all the reviews from the last four pages (scores may be adjusted to be more accurate to how i feel right now)

Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3 (2011) - Xbone [8/10]
Just Cause 4 (2018) - Xbone [5.5/10]
Banjo-Kazooie (1998/2008) - Xbox 360/Xbone [7.5/10]
Split/Second (2010) - Xbox 360/Xbone [5.5/10]
Banjo-Tooie (2000/2009) - Xbox 360/Xbone [7/10]
The LEGO Movie Game (2014) - Xbone [6.5/10]
Ys VIII: Lacrimosa of Dana (2018) - PS4 [8/10]
Spider-Man (2018) - PS4 [9/10]
Quantum Break (2016) - Xbone [5.5/10]
Crash-Team Racing: Nitro Fueled (2019) - Switch [10/10]
Judgement (2019) - PS4 [9.5/10]
Samurai Warriors: Spirit of Sanada (2017) - PS4 [6/10]
Fire Emblem: Three Houses (2019) - Switch [9/10]
Skate (2007) - Xbox 360/Xbone [8/10]
Skate 2 (2009) - Xbox 360 [6/10]
Skate 3 (2010) - Xbox 360/Xbone [6.5/10]
BioShock (2007) - Xbox 360/Xbone [7/10]
Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor (2014) - Xbone [7.5/10]
-----Lord of the Hunt [5.5/10]
-----The Bright Lord [4/10]
Pokémon Ultra Sun (2017) - 3DS [6/10]
Forza Horizon 4: Fortune Island (2018) - Xbone [10/10]
Forza Horizon 4: LEGO Speed Champions (2019) - Xbone [8/10]
REVISITED: Jade Empire (2005) - Xbox 360/Xbone [9.5/10]
Steep (2016) - Xbone [2/10]

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Pokémon Shield (2019) - Switch
I'm going to play it so you don't have to (unless you want to, since it turned out pretty well against all odds take a look at me now)
I really just want to write Pokémon SharpenedSword and TemperedShield, to finish off the saga started with InfernoRed and OceanBlue
We all know about the Pokédex cuts, so i won't harp on it. I never transfer over my old Pokémon anyway.
I chose Shield over Sword because of Corsola, which is something I thought I'd never say. Also, Shield's two exclusive gym leaders are better than Sword's. ghost boy and titty monster > poor man's Maylene and whatever the fuck Gordie is

This game makes you wear a soccer-ass jersey during gym battles, and you get to pick your own jersey number. There are two types of people in the world: those who choose 69, and those who choose 420. I, being a contrarian, did neither and chose 00.
I also played through the game without dynamaxing once.
The main villain is an allegory for people who won't shut the fuck up about "climate change" (I put it in quotes to make them more upset)

TEAM: Cinderace / Boltund / Drednaw / Perrserker / Falinks / Cursola
cinderace is kind of middle-of-the-road as far as fire starters go; not bad, just kind of there (he also starts to fall behind until you get the fire fang TM; flame charge isn't good for late-game and pyro ball has too little PP and only 95% accuracy)
i wasn't planning to use boltund but i caught a yamper early on to help cover scorbunny's weaknesses and he just consistently impressed, earning his spot on the team (strong jaw + crunch and thunder fang is just too good)
drednaw didn't see much love in this playthrough other than the fire gym, unfortunately; physical-attacking water-types are shit in this region, since the thing you'll mostly want a water-type for is rock-types (also: grass may be better than water in this region)
perrserker was great when fairies came up, but the problem is that steel isn't great against anything else (it's still physical vs rock-types), and i'd rather use boltund for crunch because of strong jaw
falinks was something i caught on a whim; i really like its animations but it's kind of weak for a fighting-type (it can still definitely get the job done, especially if you give it brick break and close combat)
cursola was the last addition to the team due to its sort of ridiculous requirements; it was worth the wait, though, since it's a powerhouse (slow as shit though) cursola was the one to single-handedly take down the champion's charizard
i also had a wobbuffet that i used until i caught cursola; it was great but i abandonned it in the box because i've already used wobbuffet a thousand times

+ The scene where Leon shows you the starter Pokémon is LEGITIMATELY well-done, by any standard
+ Kabu's gym battle is legitimately well done
+ DARK-TYPE GYM DARK-TYPE GYM DARK-TYPE GYM
+ Each gym leader has their own animation when dynamaxing
+ The addition of raid battles and their rewards makes it FAR EASIER to use late-game Pokémon as actual team members, due to how many EXP candies they give
+ They also make it easy to get important TRs like ice beam, earthquake, etc. (TRs are basically TMs from Gen I-IV: use once, then they break; they exist alongside TMs, but all this game's TMs kind of suck after the earlygame)
+ The champion's team is pretty good (better than Diantha and Hau, a bit worse than Kukui)
+ The post-game quest is legitimately entertaining (the plot and characters are fucking stupid and the writers knew it; Squidward and Dilbert are absolutely great)
+ In the post-game, you can participate in tournaments, and invite any gym leader or rival you want (meaning gym leader rematches)
+ I REALLY like the challenger and gym leader tournaments at the end of the game
- However, I wish that Raihan wasn't the one you always fight in the finals, since I JUST fought him as the eighth gym leader (Kabu should have been the final opponent, since he had the hardest gym battle anyway)
- I don't like how they blueball you near the end so the stupid-ass plot can climax
- But seriously where's the other 500 Pokémon
- The volume options are hidden by a key item (what the fuck)
- I HATE how your character changes into a uniform to ride a bicycle
- The gym battle theme is TERRIBLE ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcV6xVukj60 2:51)
- Hau won't leave me the fuck alone (same fucking shit as every Pokémon game since Platinum)
- The wild area's stupid-ass weather-dependent Pokémon appearances

Game Freak is out of touch. They're making games aimed toward children, and that's fine. However, they now make games that no child would ever want to play. Children don't want to be bombarded by bad dialogue (or even good dialogue) and cutscenes. The most popular games of the decade for children are what? Fortnite, Rocket League, Minecraft. Guess what none of these games have? Endless fucking dialogue.
Pokémon has been getting worse as a whole ever since the very beginning, but it has nothing to do with the designs or whatever. Every generation has good designs and bad designs. (except Gen III, which has ZERO bad designs fight me)
The increased linearity, over-focus on plot, generic "SAVE THE WORLD" plots that don't at all fit the game, and characters who won't leave you THE FUCK ALONE are what make Pokémon games bad these days.

THAT SAID
I actually liked this game. It reminds me a lot of how I felt about X/Y. In theory, it has a lot of the same problems I complain about Gen IV, V, and VII for, but the game simply did a much better job of making me want to do what it wanted me to do. The series still isn't living up to its potential.
To put it in a tier list:

Spoiler:

7.5/10
best Pokémon game of the last 15 years

playtime after becoming champion: 17 hours
playtime after postgame quest: 19 hours
the last game i played in 2019, the first game i played in 2020

Hitman 2 (2018) - PS4
Thank god for demos. If not for the first level of this game being free, I wouldn't have played it. You can download Hawke's Bay for free, and it's a pretty nice level. It's clearly the tutorial, but it's entertaining and I had a lot of fun trying to kill the target in multiple ways.
I'm going to rate each level individually. My goal in this game was to, at the very least, complete every single mission story. With the better levels, like Miami, I stuck around for much longer than that.
I liked this game so much that I went out and bought Hitman (2016) as well. The cool thing about this is that if you own Hitman (2016), you can download its levels for Hitman 2. You know, like Rock Band. That's what I'll be doing, and there will be a clear break when I start talking about those levels. (now I have a Hitman (2016) GOTY edition sitting on my shelf which may never get played on its own merits, but it was less than half the price of the downloaded version (I could return it to the store but that sounds like cheating (also I like having the boxes on my shelf)))

This game has a story or something but I just skipped the cutscenes, aside from the run-downs on the targets.

GENERAL:
+ The game controls beautifully
+ As you complete levels more and more, you unlock more spawn points, weapons, costumes, etc.
+ The game has a checklist for everything you can do
+ Mission stories show off more unique ways to kill targets
+ The game taught me what the word "emetic" means
- Always-online "features"
- All the bathrooms are gender-neutral

HAWKE'S BAY - THE BEACH HOUSE:
People seem to knock this level as a first level, since it's so different from the rest. It's the free level, and got me to buy the game, so take that how you want.

+ It's a good tutorial
+ If you wait for the man's shower to fog up, you can kill him in the shower without the girl noticing (she's brushing her teeth right next to his shower)
+ There's a room with a bunch of weapons to try out and have fun with (the shurikens are my favourite)
+ After completing it a few times, you can spawn right next to the first objective, saving a lot of time
- It's slow and linear, and you have to wait for dialogue (unless you save and reload a lot)
- There's only one exit, and it's a trek

7/10

MIAMI - THE BIG RACE:
This is the first level that actually shows you what the game is about. You have two targets: a woman racecar driver and the owner of the car company. The woman is competing in the race, and the man is showing off his new cars and secret military technology because he's secretly a war criminal.

+ This level is perfectly-designed, and only gets better as you learn the level better
+ In order to access podium assassinations, you have to force the girl to win the race she'd otherwise lose
+ You can just take a sniper rifle and shoot at cars, causing them to wreck (enough wrecks will have them call the race early)
+ You can disguise yourself as a pit crew member and sabotage the girl's car to kill her, OR you can sabotage the leader's car so the girl will win the race
+ You can blackmail her while wearing a flamingo costume
+ You can give her the lethal injection
+ You can draw the man downstairs by disguising yourself as FLORIDA MAN, the guy's favourite food vendor
+ You can also draw him downstairs by tampering with his car (making him actually seem human, rather than just "business business business")
+ You can knock out the race winner, wear his clothes, and collect his trophy in his place (even though that serves no purpose)
+ As the race winner, you can also challenge the girl to a chili shots competition, with a bunch of poisoning opportunities throughout (I had her take the chili shot, spiked the milk she drank after with an emetic, then drowned her in the toilet)

10/10 perfect

SANTA FORTUNA - THE DRUG CARTEL:
After the big crowds of Miami, Santa Fortuna feels completely different with its smaller population and much higher guard-to-civilian ratio. You have three targets: cartel head, drug-maker, and a woman.

+ Killing the woman target by blasting her with wet cement is just awesome
+ You can give the woman a love letter and she'll read it on the balcony where you can shove her off and into the piranha-filled swamp
+ The tattoo artist mission story is a highlight
+ Feeding the guy to his hippo was nice
- The submarine mission story is a pain to escape from (worst part of the game so far)
- The level just sucks to navigate until you've played it eight times and know all the shortcuts (whereas Miami started out well, then only got better)

7/10

MUMBAI - THE SLUMS:
The slums of Mumbai have a much better layout than Santa Fortuna, with a high population and tight streets. You have three targets: mystery man, egotistical movie producer, and a woman who runs a laundromat.

+ Being able to bait targets into position to be killed by another assassin entirely is absolutely brilliant
+ Being able to use the other assassin's contracts yourself to lure the other two targets together is great
+ Killing two targets at once with a train is pretty fucking sick
+ Painting the portrait is nice
+ Being the tailor is cool
+ I'm a big fan of the assassination you can do after finding the missing script
- The hilltop assassination is annoying, since every guard is eagle-eyed up there

8.5/10

WHITTLETON CREEK - THE SUBURBS:
An entire block of suburbia in picturesque Vermont. You have two targets: a dirty fucking commie and his bodyguard, who is suspiciously nowhere near the body he is supposed to be guarding.

+ You can become the muffin man
+ Becoming a real estate agent was the best (I liked going over each and every room in the house with the target)
+ The way the nurse mission story goes is kind of cool
+ Putting everyone to sleep as the exterminator was sweet
+ This is another mission where the level just keeps getting better as you play it more and learn how things connect
- The exterminator mission story's guide is poorly-worded
- Having to collect the three pieces of evidence every single time kind of sucks (but not that much)

9.5/10

ISLE OF SGAIL - THE FINALE:
An island castle hosting a huge party. You have two targets, both sassy black woman diversity hires.

+ Hunting for the coins is actually pretty fun
+ Being able to diguise yourself as the corpse at a funeral was pretty sick
+ Burning sassy black woman #1 alive (consensually) was perfect
+ Watching sassy black woman #2 tumble down the cliff from one of the highest points in the level is just nice
+ The necklace mission story was nice
- Layout is headache-inducing
- "DON'T FORGET THAT CLIMATE CHANGE IS REAL GUYS"

7/10

There are two more locations, but they can only be accessed via the SEASON PASS, which is $40. (you cannot buy them individually) Once that goes on sale for a reasonable price, I will review the remaining two levels, plus the extra missions in Miami, Santa Fortuna, Mumbai, and Whittleton Creek. We'll see how long that takes.

OVERALL, DISC LEVELS AND MISSIONS ONLY:
9/10 honestly (though I can see it becoming one of those games I play so damn much that I end up raising the score)

Stay tuned for the review of the Hitman (2016) levels

Hitman (2016) - PS4, played in Hitman 2 (2018) - PS4
Since I'm playing this in Hitman 2, all the same general praises and complaints apply.
The levels in Hitman (2016) are a lot smaller than the ones in Hitman 2. I'm not complaining, because some of Hitman 2's levels felt like they went on forever.
Since I had the GOTY edition of Hitman (2016), I also get to play some extra missions in the same levels.

PARIS - THE FASHION SHOW:
A manor has been turned into a runway for the latest fashions. You have two targets: the man and woman in charge of the show.

+ I laughed like a retard getting between the reporter and cameraman and pissing them off twice
+ Respect for the classics (mixing the man's favourite drink and putting poison in it)
+ I like just being able to join the auction in my cowboy hat and have the woman ask me who the fuck I am
+ One of the rewards is a squeaky explosive Napoleon toy called "Napoleon Blownaparte"
- Getting to the lighting setup to drop it on the guy just sucks
- I wish the mission stories relating to the woman were better

8/10

SAPIENZA - THE VILLA:
A lab developing a dangerous biological weapon is hidden underneath an Italian villa. You have three targets: the man in charge, the woman who's REALLY in charge, and the virus itself.

+ Being able to trick the man into thinking he's being haunted by his mother's ghost is just golden
+ Becoming the man's psychiatrist is a classic
+ I liked blowing my way into the lab accidentally
+ Killing both targets with ancient-ass cannons (manually loading the cannonballs and gunpowder, and setting it up so the woman is in the right spot)
- The town is underutilised (if it were a Hitman 2 level, the villa would be gigantic and there'd be a target or two hanging out there)

7.5/10

There's also a second mission here, which takes place at night. You have one target: the director/lead actor in a superhero movie.
This mission fucking sucks and I hated it.

+ The unique assassinations sound cool
- Shame that I'm not going to get any of them
- Except for the "death by buzzsaws" one where I had to stand in a spot where I couldn't fucking see what happened in order for it to work, and there wasn't picture-in-picture like there usually is
- Cramped level design
- No good way to get the red t-shirt disguise, which is required for pretty much everything
- Fuck this shit

0/10

There's also a third mission here. You have one target: a mayoral candidate who wants to bring the mafia to town.

+ Luring the guy up the church tower and shoving him off, impaling him on a spire, is fucking SICK
+ Setting off the overcharged fireworks right next to him was cool
+ The lawyer mission story throws a "need to be patted down" curveball, but gives you a bathroom in which to dump any weapons
+ Addresses the "town is underutilised" complaint
- One of the mission stories glitched the first time I played; worked the second (it was pretty cool though when I got it working)

7.5/10

MARRAKESH - THE EMBASSY:
Some white-collar crime bullshit. You have two targets: the Swedish ambassador to Morocco, and a military general.

+ Being able to disguise yourself as a prisoner and just snap the general's neck was sweet
+ The classic "massage man snaps target's neck"
+ You can drop a giant fucking MOOSE onto a guy during an interview
+ Killing both men at once with an APC cannon was sick
- The codeword mission stories suck
- The areas where the targets hang out are just kind of lame
- BOTH GUARDS ON THE STAIRS HAVE TO BE EAGLE-EYED OF COURSE OF FUCKING COURSE

6/10

There's also a second mission here. You have two targets: a Chinese construction firm boss, and a French employee of a rival firm, trying to sell secret plans to the Chinese guy.

+ Makes good use of the town section of the map
+ Killing the French guy with a crystal ball was sick
+ Poisoning their weed was nice
- Guards are clairvoyant on the electrocution execution

6.5/10

BANGKOK - THE HOTEL:
Honestly, this level could have been set anywhere. It's just a hotel, even if it's got some Bangkokian accoutrements. You have two targets: a hip young rockstar, and the lawyer who helped him get away with murder.

+ Very well-done level, all over
+ The mission actually uses the entire level, unlike with the last two
+ Becoming the new drummer was sick (seriously, is there anything 47 can't do)
+ You can poison the rockstar's birthday cake
- Feels a bit limited in terms of options

8/10

COLORADO - THE FARMHOUSE:
This is a level. You have four targets: two men and two women, because we need to have an even gender ratio in our terrorist cells.

+ Blowing the guy up with the cellphone and the nitroglycerin is just fun
+ Killing a woman with the battering ram was a classic
+ Pushing the woman into the tar pit was nice
- I don't really care for the levels without crowds and non-combatants
- THE EXFILTRATION OBJECTIVE IS FUCKING STUPID

5/10

HOKKAIDO - THE HOSPITAL:
A high-tech Japanese hospital. You have two targets: a man about to have his rare right-side heart replaced, and a woman who he's leaking your agents' identities to.

+ You can just destroy the heart he's about to have transplanted and huck it in the fucking trash
+ Using the robo-surgeon was sick
+ Having the AI go fucking berserk on the patient was just woah
+ Poisoning the stem cells? Why not
+ Inching the woman closer to the edge with yoga poses was nice

8.5/10


OVERALL: 7.5/10
basically i'm glad i started with Hitman 2

LEVELS RANKED, BOTH GAMES:
for the sake of simplicity, i'm going to call Hitman (2016) "1" against my better judgement
extra contracts cannot take away from the score, only add to it
1. Miami (2)
2. Whittleton Creek (2)
3. Mumbai (2)
4. Hokkaido (1)
5. Bangkok (1)
6. Paris (1)
7. Sapienza (1)
8. Santa Fortuna (2)
9. Hawke's Bay (2)
10. Isle of Sgail (2)
11. Marrakesh (1)
12. Colorado (1)

Marvel Ultimate Alliance 3: The Black Order (2019) - Switch
MUA1 was made by Raven Software, and was really good. MUA2 was made by Vicarious Visions, and was okay. MUA3 is made by Team Ninja, marking the first time the series has been handled by a Japanese developer.
For a while now, I've wanted an MUA3, but I never expected Nintendo of all companies to fund it.

Predicted main team before the game came out: Spider-Man, Wolverine, The Wasp, Hawkeye
Actual main team:

Spoiler:

+ Attractive females
+ Nintendo stood up to Disney and got the X-Men in their game
+ They added Cyclops post-release for FREE (and he's the best character in the game to boot) (also they added Colossus but who cares)
+ Pretty much every character got their UMVC3 voice actor back; and the ones that didn't still turned out well (Yuri Lowenthal as Spider-Man, Johnny Yong Bosch as Iron Fist, Nolan North as Rocket Raccoon)
+ Honestly, a lot of really good choices on the roster beyond the classics and MCU favourites
+ I like that the whole Kingpin level was just a wrong tip off
+ The Inhumans level is hilariously short
+ The final boss rush at the end is great
+ The final boss itself is also great
+ Infinity Rifts are fun and a good way to add a few villain unlocks
- No real alternate costumes (I REALLY wanted to play as classic purple Hawkeye, not the tacticool new one; also Superior Iron Man) [getting slowly fixed in updates]
- The first time I got an opportunity to change characters, the game glitched and I couldn't for whatever reason
- Sometimes the sound cuts out on random bits of dialogue
- The Hellfire Lounge is reduced to dialogue (Jessica Jones says "I'll check it out", then later Beast says "yo check out what we found at the hellfire lounge")
- I'm pretty tired of Nolan North's Deadpool (they should have hired someone to do a Ryan Reynolds impersonation)
- The Dark Dimension kind of fucking sucked
- Thanos's voice is terrible
- Why the FUCK is Captain Marvel the leader in the last level (grabs the stones, leads the charge, gets the cheesy leader dialogue) (it should always be Captain America)
- Kamala Khan
- Miles Morales and Spider-Gwen; why do we need three Spider-Mans AND Venom (I gave both an honest try (got them to level 20 to get all abilities), and neither of them are very good to play)
- And, seriously, the only ability the Spider-Mans start with is the exact fucking same one (Spider-Gwen's is the best of the three by a slight margin, admitedly, because it's a burst shot)
- Falcon and Elektra are complete and total filler
- No playable Ant-Man

8.5/10
really fun if a bit mindless

I might buy the expansion pass at some point. I'm really disappointed by their X-Men selections, though. (Cable and Gambit are fine, but FUCK Jean Grey and Iceman)
I was hoping that they'd add more free characters like they did with Cyclops and Colossus (or even paid, if the price is right). Even if we're just looking at NPCs, I'd really like to see Ant-Man and Nova. Maybe Valkyrie and the Winter Soldier.

Hitman 2 Expansion Pass (2018/2019) - PS4
I've waited a whole month for this to go on sale. At full price, it's a whopping $40. I was hoping it would go on sale for half price, a nice $20. It went on sale for 70% off, totalling $12. I was ecstatic.

The Hitman 2 expansion pass includes:
1. Two new full levels: New York and Haven Island
2. Four new missions for the vanilla Hitman 2 levels: Miami, Santa Fortuna, Mumbai, Whittleton Creek
3. Two new sniper assassin maps that I didn't even bother downloading (so glad you can pick and choose what to actually download)
4. A few new outfits and items (nothing especially amazing)

I will begin with the new missions in the old levels. I started with Miami, as it was the first level in the game. I was planning to continue in that order, but the story from the Miami mission is continued in the Whittleton Creek mission. Looks like I'm doing the two best levels first.

MIAMI - THE WATER SALESMAN:
Back in the best level of the game, there is a water salesman who needs to be killed. He is selling crummy bottles of water, and Pokémon GO fans want his head.

+ An easy excuse for the awesome "crush man with racecar" assassination
+ You can destroy the target's car and watch him get upset over it
+ You can poison the water salesman with his own water (plot twist: he hates water and is only selling it to rake in the big bucks)
+ Uses a part of the level that didn't see any use in the original mission
- Doesn't really feel like it takes advantage of the overall setting of the level
- Kind of boring

6.5/10

WHITTLETON CREEK - THE WATER BARON:
The water salesman was just that - the salesman - and now it's time to take out the water baron himself.

+ Becoming the mailman for a medical checkup is nice
+ It does make sense that the target would move into the house that was for sale in the original mission
- Doesn't use any underused areas of the level (the campaign still amounts to nothing, despite being the most striking thing when you first enter the level)
- The main "cool assassination" (becoming the mailman for the checkup) is reused from Sapienza's The Candidate mission (and The Candidate had a LOT more going on, despite being the same sort of small downloadable side mission)
- One of the mission's challenges is literally "drag body from one corner of the map to the opposite corner" (fuck that)
- It doesn't feel like there are many things to actually do in the mission (makes the previous mission seem downright exciting)

6.5/10

SANTA FORTUNA - THE HUNTER:
There's a poacher or something.

+ Uses a part of the level that was underused in the original mission (the small jungle)
- Way too many guards in such a small area; feels very claustrophobic for no good reason (why the fuck would he even HAVE that many guards)
- Honestly, the mission just sucks

4/10

MUMBAI - THE MAGICIAN:
Insulting.

- Confined to a very small area, which is used for the most memorable mission story in the original level
- It's so fucking lazy; the guy walks a linear path and all the assassination opportunities are strewn along it
- It's a fucking waste of a great target idea; a magician panhandler
- Fuck you

Hitman 2's "special assignments" PALE in comparison to Hitman 2016's. They're so fucking lazy. Each one only has one scripted event (except Mumbai), and those are the bread and butter of the vanilla game.
It's really fucking sad that the Miami one was the best one.

NOW FOR THE ACTUAL NEW LEVELS
Since there are two new levels, and the four "bonus missions" were fucking worthless, this puts each level at $6 for the sale price I paid.



NEW YORK - THE BANK:
I forgive IOI for everything.
A huge bank in New York City, with everything that entails. You have two targets: the manager of the bank, and the sensitive data hidden within the vault.

+ You can rob the vault blind of gold bars, fabrege eggs, ancient artefacts, everything
+ Having to carry out the big data core is a nice exfiltration challenge
+ AND if you don't want to, you can just find the three small USB drives carried by three people
+ The tech guy assassination was just nice
+ You can pose as an employee and get fired (then shove your boss out onto the main floor of the bank)
+ You can crash the stock
+ You can open a savings account
+ Unlike every other level with a secondary objective, the vault heist is actually fun
- But also unlike every other level with a secondary objective, killing the target can just feel like a chore (Colorado excepted of course because everything about Colorado is a fucking chore)
- Finding the three USB drives is more trouble than it's worth and is simply not a viable alternative to the vault heist
- There are two people arguing in the bathroom about performing a heist but nothing comes of it

8/10


HAVEN ISLAND - THE RESORT:
An island getaway for criminals attempting to acquire a new identity. You have three targets: the management.

+ Jason Portman returns once again (after appearing in Hokkaido and Sgail) [can't have a Hitman finale level without Portman]
+ The USB card plot being able to be taken in two different directions was great
+ You can be promoted to head of security
+ You can become a workout coach and tell people what workout to do
+ You can be a spotter at the benchpress and just kill the guy with the weights
+ There are trap doors in the guest rooms for some reason and you can just rig one so when the girl target steps on it, she falls into the water and drowns
+ You can drown two people at the exact same time with your bare hands
+ The Bartholomew Hornswaggle is the most creative escalation contract in the game (not hard)
- There's just a random-ass gigantic server room below the manor for some reason
- The third island is just nothing
- The targets feel like they're just kind of there

8/10




LEVELS RANKED, BOTH GAMES:
for the sake of simplicity, i'm going to call Hitman (2016) "1" against my better judgement
extra contracts cannot take away from the score, only add to it
1. Miami (2)
2. Whittleton Creek (2)
3. Hokkaido (1)
4. New York (2)
5. Sapienza (1)
6. Haven Island (2)
7. Bangkok (1)
8. Paris (1)
9. Mumbai (2)
10. Santa Fortuna (2)
11. Marrakesh (1)
12. Hawke's Bay (2)
13. Isle of Sgail (2)
14. Colorado (1)

Sapienza is only as high as it is because of The Candidate
Marrakesh only beats Sgail and Hawke's Bay because of A House Built on Sand
Bangkok was higher on the previous list, but then I realised how limited that level really is
Mumbai was higher on the previous list, but then I realised I only liked one of the three targets

fuck i didn't realise it had even gone on sale

hope i didn't miss it

edit: apparently i did. shit

North America and Europe have different sales on PS4. It's still on sale here until the 19th.
https://store.playstation.com/en-us/product/UP4572-CUSA12421_00-0000SEASONPASSH2
vs
https://store.playstation.com/en-gb/product/EP3969-CUSA12414_00-0000SEASONPASSH2

welp, time to move to south dakota

Dead Rising 2 (2010) - Xbox 360
I borrowed the original from a friend in 2009, then I ended up buying it in 2014 from a pawn shop for $5 (achievement unlock dates are really nice)
I never finished it but I had fun so when I saw the sequel in GameStop for $5 as well, I grabbed it
That was in 2018 though so it's been sitting on my desk for a year-and-a-half
No longer; I am in the mood

+ The clock system makes things really tense and gives the game a unique feeling
+ The ease of making nailbats every time you enter and exit the safehouse is a GODSEND
+ ALSO: it's easy to make a hammer duct taped to an axe in the same manner
+ The lawnmower
+ The chainsaw and the improvised chainsaw
+ I loved making swift work of the pharmacy thieves with an electric drill
+ As in the first game, playing dress-up is fun (especially since I've got a coon-skin cap)
+ The (real) final boss fight is actually really good once you figure it out
- The fight against the chef is fucking awful (thankfully optional)
- That fucking jumpscare at the end for no fucking reason
- Fuck you

I was debating between a 7.5 and an 8 but the jumpscare at the end happened so I feel comfortable giving this a
7.5/10
fuck you capcom

the stats screen at the end read:
PP earned: 1,945,801
Game ending: S
Zombies killed: 6,232
Survivors: 28
Gifts for Katey: 1
Money earned: $148,700

I also dressed Chuck up as a tennis player for most of the game

Dead Rising 3 (2013) - Xbone
Dead Rising 3 was a launch title for the Xbone. I remember thinking the entire concept was fucking stupid when it was announced. The first two games were set in a huge mall and casino/mall complex, respectively. The entire point of the games was that you had to use unconventional weaponry to kill zombies. DR2's crafting system and range of items found around the safehouse turned it into "NAILBATS, SWORDS, AND AXES DUCT TAPED TO SLEDGEHAMMERS ALL DAY", but the heart was still there once those broke.
Dead Rising 3 is set in not-Los Angeles. That's it. Just the same old ruined city that the zombie genre has used for decades. DR3 also extends the first two games' claustrophobic 72-hour time limit to 144 hours. I'm willing to hear them out. It would have been simple to just build a bigger mall with the Xbone technology and call it a day, but they did something different. Whether or not it was a good idea remains to be seen.
At a whopping $7.50, this is the most I've ever spent on a Dead Rising game.

+ YOU CAN BE TENNIS MAN AGAIN
+ I gave Nick a really stupid moustache and I can't help but laugh in every cutscene now
+ Combo weapons are really fucking fun, same with some of the combo vehicles
+ Open-world wandering is fun and interesting (lots of climbing)
- I wish less roads were arbitrarily blocked off
- The open world checklist simulator and the time limit don't mesh together well
- The opening segment is tonally completely off from the rest of the game
- Terrible story even by Dead Rising standards (and really no likable characters and no real push to do the plot rather than just kill zombies all day)
- The "oh you got bit now you need Zombrex :^)" scene is so poorly-done
- The "president of the United States" is a Sarah Palin parody? Oh, that aged really fucking well; that was an outdated parody when the game fucking came out
- The post-credits twist was retarded
- One of the side missions has one guy want to make a gay porno with zombies (WACKY AND HILARIOUS RIGHT)
- A LOT of fetch quest side missions (the ones that have you get mission-specific items aren't too bad, but the "FIND ME X AND Y SOMEWHERE IN THE WORLD" ones are fucking awful)
- The ZAR completely trivialises boss fights
- "Fat woman on scooter who attacks via vomitting" boss fight
- ONLY ONE SAVE SLOT (inexcusable in the current generation, especially when the previous two games had three)

Fun game with a shitty story
7/10

GAME CRASHES:
1. OVERTIME - when that old bitch ate pavement (15 hours in)

STATS SCREEN:
Ending S
Level 46
Total PP: 4,245,517
Weapon combos: 69
Vehicle combos: 19
Zombies killed: 24,173
Chapters completed: 9
PP trials completed: 13
Side missions completed: 27

REVISITED: Saints Row the Third (2011) - Xbox 360
Out of all the games not named Kingdom Hearts III, Saints Row the Third is absolutely up there as one of the games I was most excited to play pre-release, as an adult. Adulthood is a bit different from childhood in regards to excitement and expectations, but now's not the time to get into that.
SR3 ranks alongside GTA V, Mario Odyssey, and Skyrim on my "I was HYPE" list. While I will defend Mario Odyssey to my non-hyperbolic DEATH, GTA V and Skyrim are games that I now rank as "disappointing". They were both games I played through excitedly, then when I reflected on what I'd played, I realised it wasn't great. I'm glad I played them, but I don't speak very highly of them when all is said and done.
Saints Row the Third seems to follow that. I always say that SR2 is better. But let's see how it goes. Let's see exactly what SR3 has to offer when looking backward through the lens of someone who's seen all its tricks before. I don't know if I've actually played this game since 2012.

Because I have only played as the British guy before (Robin Atkin Downes), I will reluctantly play as Laura Bailey instead.

+ Professor Genki's Super-Ethical Reality Climax
+ You can be a toilet (or "a bloody commode" if you're British)
- They just kill off Johnny uncerimoniously off-screen (kind of; SR4 bringing him back doesn't fix this in the context of this game - i remember spending the whole game thinking he'd come back because we never see the body)
- The game begins with too many on-rails shooting segments
- The minigame tutorials that litter the opening of the game do the pacing no service
- Killing off Loren so early and so anticlimactically does the plot no service
- "ALL RIGHT WE'VE RIGGED THE BOMB TO BLOW THIS SHIT UP" "uh on second thought maybe we shouldn't do that" (the choice should have been made before the bomb was armed so you don't just fucking waste it)
- What's the point of the bridge dedication? It only serves to introduce a terrible political element to the plot that shouldn't be there at all
- The minigame tutorials that litter the opening of the second act do the game no service
- The naked and drugged mission fucking sucks because you can't fucking aim
- The STAG shit is fucking dumb; the pacing of the main part of the plot is rushed as FUCK and this shit is just pointless and dumb
- TOO MANY FUCKING ON-RAILS SHOOTING SEGMENTS
- The boss fight against Matt is kind of underwhelming (the "mash the trigger" QTEs are annoying)
- One mission, you have the gang pick up everything and leave the hideout because it's not safe, and in the next mission, you kidnap a guy and take him to the hideout you just abandonned? What?
- The apocafists were advertised in pre-release material, but you only get them near the very end of the game if you choose the option that makes no sense in-character
- The mission where you're in a tank falling from the sky is godawful
- The zombie mission is fucking stupid, fucking awful, and fucking ANNOYING
- The final mission feels really fucking abrupt
- The final choice comes down to "kill Killbane (despite the fact that you already disgraced him)" or "save Viola", but the UI says "kill Killbane or save Shaundi", when saving Shaundi is just an unfortunate side-effect of saving Viola
- Gangstas in Space (the epilogue mission) is just stupid and not funny

Saints Row the Third is a game carried by its BIG MOMENTS and dumb jokes, which make you forget that everything else is fucking bland. If I never have to do another on-rails shooting segment, it will be too soon.
The problem is that on a replay, the BIG MOMENTS aren't a shock, leaving you to focus on the blandness. Disappointing.

6.5/10
Saints Row 2 is just better.

SR3 feels like it's just a stopgap between 2 and 4. It retains SR1 and 2's three gangs, but the game actually suffers for it. SR1 and 2 had three separate fully-realised mission strands for each gang, which had their own buildup, rising action, and climax. SR3 has one narrative, which feels like it doesn't know what the fuck to do with anyone. The Deckers exist as a threat in the story for three missions. The Morning Star become irrelevant after act one, despite you recruiting Zimos to deal with them in act two. Where SR1 and 2 had multiple named characters in each gang, the Deckers and Luchadores have one each.
Adding onto this plot that has no idea what to do with its three gangs, STAG gives them even less time to shine. The plot bounces to and from antagonists willy-nilly. The penultimate mission is subduing a zombie virus for fuck's sake. The pacing is absolutely FUCKED. The game feels like absolutely nothing happened.



SEASON PASS CONTENTS:
Let me make one thing clear: this shit is a disgrace for $20. Three hours of mediocre at best content for $20. Fucking amazing. SR4's season pass could have been the best thing fucking ever, but I'll never know because I'm still fucking pissed about this one.

GENKIBOWL VII:
Why?
This is just reskinned versions of activities from the main game, plus one new one.

+ Apocalypse Genki is two fun new SERC levels
- Escort Genki is fucking awful
- Yarnball Mayhem is fun until you realise the score goal is way too fucking high and have to do it eighty times until you meet the target for some reason despite doing nothing differently
- The new minigame can kiss my fucking ass it's so goddamn horrible
- They didn't even get all six voice actors back for the final scene

0/10
FUCK you

GANGSTAS IN SPACE:
Your character is cast in a movie and can't act.

+ The dialogue and story are pretty good (not great but pretty good)
+ You can kill cameramen and there's dialogue and an achievement for it
+ The second mission is fun (drags a bit though)
- ON-RAILS SHOOTING SEGMENTS BECAUSE THE MAIN GAME DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH OF THEM
- The third mission fucking drags

In the end, this score comes down to price.
For $7? 2/10
If it was, like, $3 or less? 3.5/10

THE TROUBLE WITH CLONES:
Some nerd clones Johnny Gat with disastrous results.

+ The first half of the third and final mission is pretty cool (it's a proof of concept for SR4 though so just play that)
- The first and third missions end with ON-RAILS SHOOTING SEGMENTS BECAUSE THE MAIN GAME DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH OF THEM
- The second mission SUCKS (ending is kind of funny though)

In the end, this score comes down to price.
For $7? 1.5/10
If it was, like, $3 or less? 2.5/10

A quick little note here: I'm an absolute retard when it comes to technology, and I finally figured out how to Google how to use an Xbone controller on PC. Now I can emulate PSP games without hesitation. The PPSSPP emulator works like a fucking dream. It may be the single greatest emulator ever created from a technical standpoint. It can run on any toaster.
Here's a quick run-down of a game that everyone should at least try:

Lumines (2005) - PSP
Since the PSP came out, Lumines has been hailed as its best game. I understand why. It's also on modern systems if you'd prefer.
Lumines is a puzzle game where you have to arrange your falling pieces into 2x2 squares. It's carried by the music and presentation, which is fucking beautiful. The main mode switches you between themes and music as you go, and your piece movements go along to whatever song you're playing, and it's just great.
The only problem is that the best song is the first song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W0e4Fzo_EpA

Spider-Man: The City That Never Sleeps (2018) - PS4
It's finally on sale for half price, which is a nice price
I got it for $12.50 so in my head I'm justifying the purchase of each of these parts individually for $4 each (cost DOES play into my overall perception of a game; I'm more forgiving of a short game I paid $20 for than a short game I paid $60 for, for example)

The City That Never Sleeps is a linear story told in three parts. The key villain that makes the story tick is Hammerhead of all people.

The Heist
Black Cat and Hammerhead are back

+ The first mission in the art museum is absolutely great
+ I love how in the team-up fight with Black Cat, she steals your kills constantly and Spider-Man gets mad about it
+ I still like Screwball
+ They added Kaine's Scarlet Spider suit
- The "Resilient" suit would be great if not for the stupid squinty eyes
- The minigun enemy can kiss my fucking ass
- The Black Cat chase mission is FUCKING TERRIBLE and completely undermines the point of not giving the player FULL control while swining like in Spider-Man 2 or Web of Shadows
- This is, naturally, followed by EVERYONE'S FAVOURITE!!! A MARY JANE STEALTH MISSION!!! (it wasn't actually that bad; she got to keep her taser which was nice)
- Dumb cliffhanger

The Black Cat chase mission legitimately knocked the score way down on its own, despite the fact that I had a great time during the rest of my return to being Spider-Man. It's THAT fucking bad.

7/10
total playtime: about 4 hours

Turf Wars
Hammerhead continues his work

+ That opening cutscene with Spider-Man and the police officers is 10/10 (love to see Spider-Man and the police on good terms)
+ I really, really like this game's interpretation of Hammerhead; much better than any other game I've played
+ NO MARY JANE STEALTH SEGMENTS
+ The Spider-Armour Mk I looks fucking SICK in this game
- The new Screwball stealth missions are fucking awful
- The new "shielded Sonic the Hedgehog" enemy can kiss my fucking ass
- Honestly, the combat sequences here are annoyingly hard

6/10
total playtime: about 4.5 hours

Silver Lining
Hammerhead is now a cyborg
Silver Sable returns

+ The new Screwball bomb challenges are really cool and way better than Taskmaster's
+ There's a stealth segment where you play as Peter instead of Mary Jane or Miles and guess what? IT'S NOT BAD
+ The cyborg suit is pretty fucking cool
- Shame it's the last thing you get in the entire fucking game, after you've completed everything else (I complete ALL side content as soon as it comes available)
- The "Aaron Aikman" suit is really cool except for the head which is terrible
- In one of the midgame missions, a jetpack guy kept flying into a wall and I couldn't defeat him no matter how much I beat the shit out of him and I couldn't progress until I restarted the checkpoint
- The Into the Spider-Verse suit is just a shitty version of the classic suit (looks awful in-game)
- "Cyborg Hammerhead", when you get down to it, is a fucking stupid idea

6.5/10
total playtime: about 5 hours


OVERALL, The City That Never Sleeps was a fun time, and I don't regret playing it. Definitely glad I waited for a sale, though.

Burnout Paradise Remastered (2018) - Xbone
HEY HEY YOU YOU
I played this game when it first came out, and thanks to the spring sale, I got the remastered version for just $5. Now I can finally play Big Surf Island, which I never got around to before it was taken off the 360's marketplace.

+ The 10/10 soundtrack is COMPLETELY INTACT
+ Honestly, starting up the game with Paradise City blaring is 10/10 presentation
+ It's still fun as fuck to go off jumps and wreck other cars
+ The burning route for your current car (if uncompleted) is always on your minimap, as well as the nearest junkyard
- Which is good because you can't set waypoints
- I can't see shit when it's dark
- There is one point on the map that looks like a four-way intersection but it's actually a tunnel underneath another road; I see this during about a quarter of the races and plan out an impossible route (tl;dr THE MAP IS A PIECE OF SHIT)
- "Driveaway" crashes hurt your time/track position more than straight-up totalling your car for some stupid fucking reason
- You have to takedown new cars to unlock them, which is cool, but they take forever to show up, and if they just crash on their own, the car will just fucking disappear and you have to wait for it to show up again

GAME CRASHES:
1. During a road rage event, during the takedown cam (about 8 hours in)

I had this rated at like a 9/10 but I'm lowering my rating because of that FUCKING map problem
8/10

I've always said Paradise was the best Burnout game, but I apologise for that statement
Burnout 3 is better (I never did play Burnout 1 or 2 though)

BIG SURF ISLAND
The fabled expansion

+ It's the most fun place in the game to just drive around
+ It's the BEST place to do stunts
+ The vehicle you get at the start (and its upgraded form) are 10/10 for stunt runs
+ Checkpoint races are a fun diversion from the main formula
- Checkpoint marked man can fuck off
- Only 15 events
- All but two of the new vehicles are locked behind open world busywork

7/10 it's fun but I'm glad it was included with the main game

REVISITED: Saints Row (2006) - Xbox 360
I'd confess that I've never beaten this game before, but that's what achievements are for, right
I want to revisit this game because I barely remember anything about it. I'm not sure why I bought SR2 in the first place, really.

I did the mission chains all in order, Los Carnales, Vice Kings, then Westside Rollerz last

+ The metal station is actually a glam metal station
+ The actual Saints gang member line-up is incredibly strong; matches up with SR2 very well
+ The Vice Kings and Westside Rollerz storylines are pretty well-done, the Vice Kings in particular
+ The Third Street Vice Kings mission is GREAT
+ The Westside Rollerz apartments stronghold is great
+ You can do the mission chains in any order
- But the Los Carnales missions are far and away harder than either of the other two
- What the fuck is a checkpoint?! Volition doesn't fucking know
- Enemies with rocket launchers NEED to fuck off
- The Cecil Park drug lab stronghold is awful
- The final Los Carnales mission seems hard as fuck but is pathetically easy if you know the locations of the four rocket launcher guys; the guys in cars are just there to distract you
- Dex's AI in that mission is specifically coded to fuck with you (anyone who's played it will understand)
- The One Step Ahead mission for the Westside Rollerz has the cars you need to blow up shown before they're marked on the map, but you can't get in them or anything
- Gang pushbacks are annoying and far too frequent
- The Los Carnales storyline feels really barebones
- None of the three gangs have the original boss as the final villain in that story; it's always someone else (boss's nephew, boss's brother, some chick)
- if you fail an activity, you need to drive your ass back over to it
- Let's be real here: the "need to do activities to earn respect to do missions" system in SR1 and 2 is just dumb

I've actually grown to appreciate SR1 more now. It's a good game that sets the stage for a GREAT game.

7/10

REVISITED: Saints Row 2 (2008) - Xbox 360
After playing through SR1 and 3 and hyping this one up, I may as well revisit it to see if I have any egg on my face.
Saints Row 2 came out the same year as the highly-anticipated Grand Theft Auto IV. While GTA IV went in a more serious, grounded direction after San Andreas, Saints Row 2 went in a slightly wackier direction than the original. Saints Row the Third would be ALL WACKY ALL THE TIME, but SR2 balances its wacky side content with a storyline that has some genuinely serious moments. SR2 strikes the perfect balance of zany and serious, wacky and grounded. It's really a shame that THQ took "I'm glad this game isn't as serious as GTA IV and knows when to just have fun with it" to mean they should just throw out the serious shit altogether and be all kooky all the time.

+ Charles Shaughnessy is a perfect boss
+ Voicework is great in general; all the named characters are pretty much perfect (Neil Patrick Harris as Veteran Child is really notable)
+ The trio of Brotherhood missions Waste Not Want Not, Red Asphalt, and Bank Error in Your Favour PERFECTLY demonstrates why SR2 is the best from a story and tone perspective
+ All three gangs are memorable, unique, and not totally retarded
+ Rest in Peace is a fucking great mission
+ Road Rage is pretty fun
+ GREAT selection of stronghold missions
+ That ending
+ FUZZ is the best activity in the series
+ Sceptic Avenger isn't far behind
+ Becoming absolutely overpowered from the start by just completing activities is a fucking great option for the player (always gotta do that one version of FUZZ for the kobra pistols and unlimited pistol ammo)
+ SR2's version of Stilwater is the best GTA-style city since San Andreas itself, and hasn't been topped in fucking twelve years
+ SR2's version of the Saints is the strongest line-up the gang will ever have (sorry for ever doubting it)
+ Soundtrack (Out of Touch, Down Under, Karma Chameleon, Take on Me, Everybody Wants to Rule the World, Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is, Lying is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off, etc.)
- Assault on Precinct 31 can kiss my fucking ass
- Hate helicopters

I don't know how they fucking did it considering SR1 and 3, but FUCK is this game a goddamn
10/10

REVISITED: Watch_Dogs (2014) - Xbox 360
Watch_Dogs was a game that I played and hated. I have it as a 0.5 on my Glitchwave account, which is normally reserved for heartbreaking sequels.
It's been over five years now, and it's time to dredge up this game from the bottom of the backlog pile on my desk and decide once and for all whether or not this game is complete and total shit.
My method was to start over on an alternate account, then I switched to my old save for those glorious achievements (starting over on the other account was to make sure I'd finish the game)

I believe that back when I first played this, I was trying to play it like a cover shooter. That is an absolutely horrible idea. It's like trying to play Hitman as a cover shooter. Sure, you can, but it feels fucking terrible.
To address some points from my 2015 review:
1. load times aren't THAT long (maybe it's just perspective on what games I played around this one)
2. audio balance isn't bad at all by default with everything at 100% (maybe it's the new TV)
3. cars don't control THAT badly

+ The best part of the game is using your phone to look at what the game considers a person's most important trait, and then dispensing justice/cleansing as necessary
+ I legitimately liked the Viceroys section of the game with Bedbug and Iraq
+ When the stealth in any given mission clicks, it's very entertaining
- Bad mission design half the time
- Aiden is an incredibly bland protagonist
- Aiden's sister is annoying
- Hacker friend is one of the worst character designs I've ever seen and her accent is annoying
- Her death is supposed to be sad but it's fucking not
- Entering "the bunker" is needlessly time-consuming and annoying, every time
- The shit with the mouse hacker was just filler and it wasn't even good
- Leading Bedbug through the complex was shit
- Jordi just appearing at the end was dumb
- You can do some investigation side missions near the beginning but not unlock the finale until way later when you've already forgotten about it (granted in my case it was a five-year gap)
- Unskippable fucking credits that are ten fucking hours long

Watch_Dogs is a mediocre game with an interesting premise. Unfortunately, it doesn't do anything meaningful with its gimmick to warrant a recommendation.
I sold it very short by giving it a 0.5 on Glitchwave, and some of my negatives on the 2015 review were plain wrong. I see now that Watch_Dogs deserves a
6/10
Quantum Break is a pretty good comparison as far as quality goes.

I doubt I'll ever play the sequels. I hate liberal bullshit.

The Wonderful 101 (2013) - Wii U
I'm going to keep this one brief.
TW101 is a shitty game. The concept is great, but the controls are absolutely horrid. You either use the Wii U's touchscreen or the right stick to select the weapon you're using, and power it up. This doesn't work. While the game helpfully slows down when using the right stick, it's absolute shit trying to make a circle with the stick to make a fist. The game does not slow down when drawing on the gamepad, so you're just going to use the sword all the time. Gun just randomly decides it doesn't want to work. I drew an L shape, what more do you want from me?
Enemy design is fucking trash as well. You move slower than molasses while holding a weapon, but in the time it takes you to draw a fucking weapon, any enemy can murder you. So it just becomes "spam the block button", except some attacks can't be blocked. Every time you get hit, your fucking posse gets scattered to the winds and you have to round them up again to make your weapons again. It's fucking tedious.

Also, the camera sucks, and I absolutely HATE when you go inside a building and the view switches to the gamepad and you control the camera by moving it around. And I hate the overabundance of "turn into fist and rotate the stick to turn a knob" shit.
Also, this one time, I clipped through the floor and couldn't get back to the rooftop I was supposed to be fighting on, and I had to restart from a checkpoint. Thankfully, it was after the knob-turning boss fight.

I didn't like this game after the prologue, but I kept pushing onward. Three missions later, I still hate this game.
Also, the French kid sucks.
1/10

You know what game this reminds me of? Brutal Legend. Strong concept, shitty game under it.

SpongeBob SquarePants: Battle for Bikini Bottom (2003) - GameCube
I never played this game as a kid. I played SuperSponge and Revenge of the Flying Dutchman, which both sucked, as I recall. After hearing so much about this game and seeing that it's getting a fucking remake of all things, I decided to play it extremely legtimately.
BfBB is a 3D platformer that wants to be Banjo-Kazooie, and is more or less the best you can ask for out of a licensed game. Unless you want to go to Glove World.

+ Levels represent different areas we know from the cartoon, and are fun to explore
+ SpongeBob, Patrick, and Sandy all control well
+ Tongue-surfing is a highlight (life's as extreme as you wanna make it)
+ I LOVE how twitchy Mrs. Puff is
+ I loved having the talking fish head commentate the boss fight against Robo-Sandy
+ Goo Lagoon and Sand Mountain are great levels
- Combat can suck at times
- The bubble bowl move fucking sucks (ESPECIALLY the step forward that SpongeBob takes)
- Those flying enemies that launch torpedoes need to FUCK OFF
- Who the FUCK is that playing Mr. Krabs
- Who the FUCK is that playing Mermaid Man
- Some side missions just suck (popping the kids' balloons for Mrs. Puff comes to mind)
- FUCK that ball side mission in the Mermalair
- FUCK Rock Bottom (I skipped it entirely)
- The Robo-Patrick fight is fucking awful
- SpongeBob's Dream and Kelp Forest are also awful

This game was a fun ride for the first half, but annoying enemies and a glut of poor levels in the late game just make me want to stop.
6.5/10

Final Fantasy VII Remake (2020) - PS4
Back in April, I played the demo of this game. I thought it was good, but not great, so I decided I didn't want to pay $60 for it.
Recently, I replayed the demo, and the combat grabbed me. I ended up thinking that I'd really like to see the way that levelling up and gaining new moves influences the combat. I also read about a bunch of minigames and side missions that sounded great. I found it on ebay for $40, which is really nice for a game that's two months old, especially considering the developers stated they short-printed it.
FF7R comes on two blu ray discs, just like RDR2 did.
I'll be honest: I never got really far in the original FF7. Turn-based RPGs are really 50/50 for whether I'll finish it or not. A good action RPG, though, is what I really want. I really enjoyed the first forty hours of FFXV before it went full retard in Altissia.
(tangent: i looked it up and this is the longest into the year it's taken me to play a game from the current year since 2016; in 2017, it was Fire Emblem Echoes in May; in 2018, it was Dynasty Warriors 9 in February; in 2019 it was Kingdom Hearts III in January)

+ I LOVE THE WAY THE GAME HANDLES CAMERA CONTROL OPTIONS RIGHT WHEN YOU HIT NEW GAME (EVERY GAME SHOULD DO THIS) (THIS IS NOT A JOKE OR SARCASM) (I AM JUST REALLY HAPPY ABOUT IT)
+ The best combat in an ARPG since Kingdom Hearts II
+ They made EVERY character fun to play, even fucking Aerith
+ The nail bat is an obvious joke weapon with obvious shitty joke mechanics, but the ability it gives you is both useful and easy to get (especially when you can do it in the whack-a-box minigame with zero stakes)
+ GREAT cast of characters with GREAT chemistry
+ I like the box-breaking minigame a lot
+ The boss fight against Rude in chapter eight was GREAT (I loved when his sunglasses broke and he produced an identical pair from his pocket)
+ The squats minigame was actually really cool
+ Johnny is my dog
+ The train graveyard is GREAT (especially the boss at the end)
+ Kyrie's design is 10/10
+ I really like the party-switching in chapter 17
+ The penultimate boss fight is fucking sick
+ The final boss fight is also fucking sick
+ The arena and everything about it
- Except for the Hell House, which fucking SUCKS
- Roche is such a fucking cool character, and it's a shame he never fucking appears after chapter 4
- Kyrie's voice is fucking AWFUL
- The game has way too many "slowly squeeze through narrow gap" sections
- The Sephiroth shit in chapter two is stupid
- The pull-ups minigame is FUCKING BULLSHIT
- Gee, Barret, why does Nomura let you have TWO joke weapons?!
- And, honestly, all those magic-focused weapons for Tifa may as well be joke weapons
- Tifa no longer calls Barret a retard
- The audiovisual tour is fucking boring
- All the other recastings are great, but, seriously, what the FUCK did they do to Zack?!
- The plot is just stupid (more on this later)

rating chapter by chapter:

Let's sum this up. This game has:
>GREAT gameplay
>GREAT characters
>GREAT locations and events within those locations
>GREAT minigames (except one)
>BAD plot

Let's address the major points of the plot.
1. Through the first seven chapters, Cloud works with AVALANCHE, which is a group of eco-terrorists. The potential grey morality is thrown out the window immediately by making Shinra moustache-twirling bad guys. Instead of shades of grey, you get grey and black. I'm not a fan.
2. Aerith is the exact type of character I hate. She knows everything that's going to happen in the plot, and doesn't tell anyone any of it. Fuck that. It's a shitty character idea, and I'm fucking tired of it.
3. Having the remake plot try to deviate from the original plot, but be forced back on track is an interesting idea. However, the way they went about it is the most ham-fisted, godawful excuse for writing I've ever seen. Literal time travel ghosts impede any progress someone might make toward deviation. It's shoved in your face every time some liberty may potentially be taken that it will never happen. It's fucking DUMB. They could have simply made Jessie trip down the stairs and roll her ankle instead of having a big mean grey ghost shove her. They could have made it subtle instead of annoying and gaudy. Or they could have just changed some shit. I don't give a fuck. These time travel ghosts are simply complete and utter shit. You can have it be subtle for most of the game, then still have it be more literal later, rather than just having the annoying ghosts from word one.

ALL THAT BEING SAID
This is a fucking great game and I hope part two is this good. Fuck, I hope they remake FF8 just like this. If they don't, whatever. I get it, no two Final Fantasy games can play the same way for whatever reason. Whatever.
I legitimately want to see how Yuffie and Vincent and the others play. Shame FF7R2 won't come out until 2023 or some shit. I'll probably be dead by then.
In spite of the average of the above chapter ratings, I'm going to give it a
9/10

Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - Spirit of Justice (2016) - 3DS
Finally, through PERFECTLY LEGAL MEANS, I can play this game that I assume I will hate.
Let's go through this:
The first four Ace Attorney games (Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney, Justice for All, Trials and Tribulations, Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney) were all directed by Shu Takumi. These games were not perfect, but they were pretty fucking great regardless.
Then Takumi moved on to Ghost Trick, which was phenomenal, and later the Japan-exclusive Ace Attorney spin-off (WHICH NEEDS TO BE LOCALISED), leaving Yamazaki at the helm.
Yamazaki directed, in order:
Miles Edgeworth: Ace Attorney Investigations, which was mediocre
Ace Attorney Investigations 2, which was never brought to the west and for good reason because it's FUCKING AWFUL
Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney - Dual Destinies, which sucked and was the exact worst game to make in the series' situation
Then, finally, this piece of shit before he FINALLY stepped down in this year, the year of our Lord 2020. Hallelujah.

So let's talk about why Dual Destinies was a fucking disaster.
After Apollo Justice, the fanbase was predictably split. Some wanted Phoenix back, some wanted Apollo to continue as the main protagonist. Instead of choosing a side, or, better yet, using a 50/50 split to explore the relationships these characters have with eachother, Trucy, and the rest of the cast, Yamazaki, in his utter brilliance, decided to introduce a THIRD attorney to compete for screentime. And she, of course, has a gimmick that makes her 100% vital to be in every case. This means that Trucy, who is Phoenix's adopted daughter and, unbeknownst to the two of them, Apollo's sister, gets shoved into a useless role and demoted to a one-note character.
Apollo, meanwhile, is deemed "boring" and "a Phoenix clone", so instead of putting him in situations where he can show how different he and Phoenix are, Yamazaki decided to completely rewrite his character. His entire personality is now based around one line he nervously blurted out in the previous game, "I'm fine". They stapled a new backstory onto him, and, to prove people who called him "bland" wrong, made him absolutely smotheringly annoying in the final case. He interrupted the final trial for some anime-ass "test our bonds of friendship" bullshit.
And, in less damaging to the overall series complaints, the cases constantly held your hand and treated you like an infant, and the culprits of the first three cases were painfully obvious.

GENERAL:
+ YOU CAN INVESTIGATE EVERY SINGLE AREA AGAIN NOW (that's where all the funny/character-building dialogue was hidden in the first four games, but Dual Destinies decided to fuck it up)
+ The new seance mechanic is the best new mechanic since JFA's magatama
+ Rayfa is a GREAT new character
+ I really like what they've done with Ema; tone down the negative character traits she had in AA4 for reasons that make sense, but don't remove them entirely
- GUYS LET'S GIVE APOLLO YET ANOTHER BACKSTORY!!! HE CLEARLY DOESN'T HAVE ENOUGH OF THEM!!!
- Sam Riegel still isn't the voice I would have chosen for Phoenix at all
- I hate the new prosector
- I don't fucking care what the peanut gallery has to say every ten seconds (it tanks the framerate on the emulator genuine 3DS I'm using)

For each case, I am also going to tell you whether I guessed the murderer right.

6-1 - The Foreign Turnabout:
+ Hippie man is fucking great (his animations and sound design are fucking PERFECT)
- The name puns are just too on the fucking nose for me (Ahlbi Ur'Gaid is our guide, and he's from the Tehm'pul Temple, accused of killing the guard, Paht Rohl)
- Gaspen Payne instead of Winston Payne AGAIN (WHERE IS THE ROOKIE KILLER)
- They didn't even give Gaspen a voice line for his "HOLD IT"
- They used the 2-4 "Phoenix holding his head in his hands" animation for the fucking TUTORIAL CASE (it was a huge deal in 2-4, but now it's just being flopped around like it's nothing)
The killer was revealed in the opening cinematic, as with all tutorial cases, so this one doesn't count.
7/10 case, all my complaints are nitpicks

6-2 - The Magical Turnabout:
+ We finally get a case about Trucy
+ Any case where presenting the attorney's badge is required is good in my book
+ The case did really well in making me realise the twist right when Apollo did
- Trucy is debuting her magic to the world, so Phoenix chooses this exact moment to go on vacation (BECAUSE IT'S NOT LIKE THE PHOENIX/TRUCY RELATIONSHIP WAS THE #1 THING THAT NEEDED TO BE EXPANDED ON)
- First cross-examination: the contradiction is fucking obvious because Trucy was wearing gloves, but you can't present the fucking video of the show, showing her wearing gloves
- I present the contract and I get a penalty; presenting the clipboard is correct, but before showing the clipboard, Apollo shows the contract (GENIUS)
I got the murderer right right off the bat.

Spoiler:

8/10 case, considering that the series always does the "two pieces of evidence make sense but it wants this specific one" thing

6-3 - The Rite of Turnabout:
+ Rayfa made for a great assistant
+ I like what they did with Maya this time
+ In just the second time they used the seance, they really made a case where it was vitally necessary and wouldn't have really worked without it
- I felt like I was five or six steps ahead of Phoenix most of the time (the guy spinning 180, the seance not working because they didn't know the victim's real name, and the Steel Samurai theme were the big ones)
- "The victim's real name was Real Name!!!"
I was half right this time.

Spoiler:

7/10 case, would have been higher if Phoenix had been on the same page as me

6-4 - Turnabout Storyteller:
+ The idea of a mid-game filler case not having an investigation segment works decently enough; it allows for a different kind of experience than a case where you know some things going in
+ Blackquill is great when he's your ally
+ The Uendo twist
- If you had asked me or ask me in the future "what game was Turnabout Storyteller from", I would have said Layton vs. Phoenix without hesitation
I was completely right about the killer.

Spoiler:

8/10 case, I really liked all the twists and turns

6-5 - Turnabout Revolution:
This one should have been two cases, so I'm going to divide it as such.

CIVIL TRIAL:
+ FOR THE FIRST TIME IN THE SERIES, A CIVIL TRIAL
+ I love Phoenix criticising Apollo for doing what Phoenix himself always does
- I don't like seeing Phoenix from this angle
- Ends up being a murder trial anyway
- Killer is too obvious for a case this late in the game
I was completely right about the killer.

Spoiler:

6/10 it's fine but nothing special

FINALE TRIAL:
+ I like the perspective switch to Phoenix during the investigation segment; it makes sense that he'd be able to go places and do things Apollo wouldn't (and that he'd be doing something useful)
+ It's the natural place to go with all the spirit channelling nonsense throughout the series
- Ah, yes, the old "show the decisive evidence to the culprit before the trial" trick
- I really wish they hadn't had Phoenix spell out the prosopagnosia thing (I figured it out as soon as I saw the notepad thanks to 9 Hours 9 Persons 9 Doors) (999 was a 10/10 game go play that)
- The witness getting shot at the stand made the case go from zero to retarded in a hurry
- Apollo gets written out of the series (or at least the country where the majority of the series takes place) WITHOUT EVER FUCKING LEARNING THAT TRUCY IS HIS SISTER OR THAT LAMIROIR IS HIS MOTHER
My thoughts on the killer and the true nature of the crime were hit or miss.

Spoiler:

I didn't like a lot of the end of this case, and feel like it's really dragged down by the Ga'ran shenanigans.
6/10 a better final case than the last two games got (though 4-4 was brilliant until the very very end when it decided not to have an ending)

6-6 - Turnabout Time Traveller:
+ Everything about the first scene in the office is PERFECT
+ I love the defendant's animations
+ The time travel idea is well-done and more than just a late twist
- If you present Sorin with the pendant before asking him about Ellen, he gives a unique response, leading me to believe that that was it; upon having to LOOK AT A GUIDE, I learned that you need to show him the pendant AFTER asking about Ellen
- Sorin's long-ass paper airplane animation is starting to PISS ME OFF
- "What did he use to kill the victim?" "HE USED THE MURDER WEAPON"
I only guessed the correct killer on the second day of investigation.

Spoiler:

6/10 good case but a bit annoying at times



OVERALL:
Spirit of Justice is the best game that Yamazaki ever made for this series. Almost makes me sad it was his last attempt.
7.5/10
no huge 10/10  cases but honestly no actually bad ones either (making this and T&T the only games with zero bad cases)

Tony Hawk's Pro Skater 1+2 (2020) - Xbone
I want to make this quick.
THPS1+2 is a perfect remake. Rather than just "the same thing again with pretty graphics", THPS1+2 learns from the later entries in the series. Whereas the godawful THPS HD brought us back to THPS2's moveset (albeit with shitty physics), THPS1+2 gives us a moveset somewhere between THPS4 and THUG. The result is a game with a reason to play it over the original THPS1 and 2. I played THPS4 the day before this came out, and this game still feels great, even with that direct comparison.
The stylistic choices as far as the levels themselves are perfect, except maybe Hangar, which is now a tribute to Neversoft. Streets is especially well-done.
The soundtrack brings back nearly everything from THPS1 and 2, and the only song I really miss is Out with the Old. The new songs are hit or miss, but when they hit, they are perfect. You can also turn off any song, as expected, so it doesn't really matter if you hate all the new songs anyway. (the censorship on Police Truck is fucking weird though)

OVERALL IF YOU'RE A THPS FAN BUY THIS GAME
10/10
MAKE SURE WE GET THPS 3+4 OR THPS6 OR WHATEVER
MAKE EA TAKE NOTICE THAT EXTREME SPORTS ARE BACK SO THEY'LL REVIVE SSX

428: Shibuya Scramble (2018) - PS4
This is a port of a Wii game released only in Japan in 2008.
(it's a visual novel but hear me out; it's not an anime-ass visual novel, it uses real photographs of real people acting out the story)

The game is about a kidnapping case in Shibuya, Tokyo. It's absolutely fucked.
428 features FIVE protagonists. The story is broken up into one-hour blocks, and you need to guide all five characters through the hour correctly. However, even though these characters seldom interact with eachother, decisions they make cause chain reactions that can cause another protagonist to die. (in fact, not having played a character's story makes the game default to that character fucking everything up for your character)
The game also features a hint system when you get a bad ending, which helps you figure out what caused this. And, luckily, you can jump around to different blocks of the hour, meaning you don't have to redo EVERYTHING when you need to switch.
HOWEVER, this game flips between "OH MY GOD" serious revelations! and actually legitimately funny moments without it seeming extremely forced.

Your five protagonists are:
1. Kano, a Shibuya detective
2. Achi, the guy who picks up litter, who goes on the run with the sister of the kidnapping victim early on
3. Osawa, the father of the kidnapping victim
4. Minorikawa, the reporter trying desperately to keep a failing publication alive
5. Tama, the best girl, who is trapped inside a mascot cat costume

The way it works is you'll play one character's story, then eventually hit one of two things:
1. a bad ending, which ranges from protagonist death to complete joke endings
2. a big "KEEP OUT" sign, which means you need to jump from one story back to this one to continue (usually because they want you to learn something from the other perspective first, though some seem completely arbitrary)

The bad ending system is brilliant. I can't tell you how many times I've seen something dramatic happen, and think "okay, where's the BAD END screen", then I see "TO BE CONTINUED", meaning that event is set in fucking stone. This game fucks with you in such a great way.

The early game is carried by Tama, I will be honest. Tama herself is adorable and funny, and her boss is a riot. Every single time her boss shows up is a highlight.
Then after three hours or so, she takes off the mascot costume, and the story ramps up. However, by that point, the story is nearing its "AW SHIT" point.
The game telegraphs its first plot twist beautifully. I figured it out just before the game revealed it, which is perfect, because it makes me feel smart, but also just about on pace with the narrative.

don't read this until after you play it dipshit:

I didn't like the ending though
and there's a bunch of shit still to do after beating the game that looks like it will take forever (including a "true ending"? i'm not going to let that affect the score positively because of how dumb the requirements are)
9/10

Yakuza: Like a Dragon (2020) - PS4
Are you a grown man who can't identify with the "teenagers killing God" style of Persona any more? Well, have I got a game for you. Imagine Persona, but instead of playing as teenagers, you play as old men. Instead of fighting demons and angels, you're fighting street thugs and businessmen. Instead of trying to woo your classmates or teacher, you are instead trying to woo businesswomen and hostesses. Yakuza 7, or as I like to call it, Persona 6, is just the game for you.
Yakuza 7 says it wants to be Dragon Quest, but it's lying. It clearly wants to be Persona 5, and it's completely obvious, from the combat menu to the totally not social links.

+ Legitimately: having multiple characters as a main party works wonders for the way the story works (it works way better than Kiryu's "well I've got no ideas; time to talk to Date")
+ The descriptions for your stat levels (intellect lv. 1 - dumbass)
+ Chapter 2 is almost perfect
+ "Early bums get the crumbs"
+ The box scene
+ The mayoral campaign, at all points
+ Can you tell me how to get to the station?
+ Karaoke, as always
+ Party conversations are a great way to flesh out the characters and provide small boosts to the social links
+ OH NO IT'S ONO MICHIO
+ For real, though, the Ono Michio substories are the perfect way to do a callback to "the thing people liked in the last game"; it introduces a new element to the concept that makes sense and is entertaining on its own
+ Everything right after the Tendo boss fight is pretty much perfect
- That intro cutscene is not how I would have started the game (despite reading a lot of pre-release material, I had no idea what the fuck I was looking at)
- The slowest start the series has had since Yakuza 4
- NANBA JUST LET ME BE FRIENDS WITH YOU YOU FUCK
- EVERYONE ELSE'S FRIENDSHIP WAS MAXED OUT IN CHAPTER 5 BUT YOU'RE STUCK ON LEVEL 2 UNTIL I "PROGRESS FURTHER IN THE STORY"
- I JUST WANT TO MAKE YOU A HOST BECAUSE IT FITS WELL WITH YOUR FIRE BREATH ABILITY
- I wish substories used party members other than Ichiban (they stick to the same structure as the previous games, which wastes a bit of potential)
- Giant chapter 12 difficulty spike
- Majima is kicking my ass, so naturally, when he gets to half health, Saejima joins in to help him kick my ass
- It's so fucking lopsided that I legitimately thought it was one of those battles you're supposed to lose
- I've felt overleveled all game, then WHOOP HERE'S THE DIFFICULTY
- Kiryu's inclusion in this game felt forced and arbitrary (the knight/dragon scene was sweet though)
- The final dungeon is reused from Yakuza 6

9/10


Ryu Ga Gotoku Studio's first attempt at a turn-based RPG and a friendship simulator (a Persona game basically) was almost perfect, in spite of a random difficulty spike. I was skeptical, but they knocked it out of the park. The genre switch no one asked for paid off, despite the high risk of switching into a niche genre. It remains to be seen if people will actually give this game a chance, but Persona 5 did very well, so it's not impossible.
If Judgement becomes a series and sticks with the classic beat 'em up gameplay, there's no reason why Ichiban's games can't continue to be JRPGs.

I look forward to seeing what random Japanese city Ichiban ends up in next year, and what ragtag group of society's dregs he puts together.
For the record, in our first Yakuza game without Kiryu (cough), there was exactly one time I wished Kiryu was there.

Spoiler:

my party/job spread was

Spoiler:

once again:
GOOD YAKUZA PLOTS: 2, 0, 7, Judgement
BAD BUT FUN YAKUZA PLOTS: 3, 5, 6
INSULTINGLY BAD YAKUZA PLOTS: 1, 4

0 > 3 > Kiwami 2 >>> 5 > 6 > 7 > Judgement >>>>>>> 2 > Kiwami > 4

Hitman 3 (2021) - PS4
earliest i've played a game from the current year possibly ever (2019's KH3 came out on the 29th)
To sum it up: Hitman 3 is Hitman 2 with more levels. It's the Rock Band of assassination games, with every level from Hitman 1 and 2 available after an import if you already own those games. You can also just buy them as add-ons for Hitman 3, if you missed out or are switching console families.
I am going to take this level by level, just like with Hitman 2.

GENERAL COMMENTS:
+ The game remembers your last loadout for each level individually
+ Most of the levels have extended story intros, but you immediately unlock another entrance after the first clear that just skips all that
+ Some of the levels have a particular exit you need to use for your first clear, but the rest are unlocked immediately after the first clear (even if you reload an old save)
+ Can import progress from Hitman 2, along with your items and everything (and automatically unlock some trophies/achievements)
- COULD THEY HAVE MADE THE PROGRESS IMPORT ANY MORE DIFFICULT
- I really wish the auto-unlock trophies/achievements included the ICA Facility ones
- You have to redo all the escalations from scratch
- I wish I'd skipped the story scenes like I did in Hitman 1/2
- They intertwine the "here's your target, why we're killing him, and what he's doing today" with the story scenes, which SUCKS
- How the fuck is that deluxe edition upgrade worth $35?!
- Why aren't contracts working right now [update: it's just Mendoza not working, which is the level I wanted to play contracts on you fucks]


DUBAI - THE WORLD'S BIGGEST WASTE OF MONEY:
Construction has completed on the world's largest tower. I'm sure China will surpass it when they feel the need to show off.

+ One of those levels that gets better the more you play it; it seemed kind of lame at first, but I've grown to appreciate it after getting to mastery 20
+ Sabotaging the parachutes is a great time
+ Reminds me a lot of Paris from Hitman 2016 in the end
- Man, that "follow the sheikh around for twenty minutes" challenge sure was entertaining


DARTMOOR - A MURDER MOST FOUL:
A suicide has occured at a manor in Dartmoor, England. One of the family members, however, suspects it was murder, and has hired a private investigator to get to the bottom of this. A perfect identity to steal to get inside and cause a second murder.

+ The murder mystery part is pretty good
+ An entrance that starts the mission later on after certain things have happened is a GREAT idea (wish they'd go back and add one of those to Miami)
- The level is a major one-trick pony (but it's still fun all the way to 20 mastery)
- It's possible to completely fuck over the game and cause a crash without really trying (check game crashes section)
- Killing off Grey like that was just silly


BERLIN - THE NIGHTLIFE:
An old nuclear power plant has been converted into a secret nightclub, which will soon host five dead bodies.

+ I LOVE the concept of having ten possible targets, and needing to kill five
+ The first playthrough of the mission with no idea what the fuck you're doing is perfect
+ Then, on subsequent playthroughs, they give you nearly everything you'd expect so it isn't tedious
+ This level is legitimately one of the best in the trilogy


CHONGQING - THE LEVEL OF THE PEOPLE:
A neon-lit Chinese city that has sprung up overnight (in real life; look it up).

+ Making the data core hack optional on the second playthrough was exactly what the level needed; now you don't feel pigeonholed into doing the targets in a specific order
+ I liked the drones mission story
- The black chick handler's voice does not work for the handler role
- This level reminds me of what Sapienza and Marrakesh did wrong; the city section is the most interesting part, and is completely superfluous
- This level is a legitimate waste of the nighttime neon-lit China setting, with the assassinations taking place in an underground lab and a run-down apartment building
- This is the first time in the trilogy where the story lets down the setting of its mission to this level (even main mission Sapienza and Marrakesh used their cities more than Chongqing does)
- I legitimately hope that Chongqing gets an extra mission in the style of Sapienza's Landslide or even The Author to fix the issues present
- In a trilogy full of stupid "good you did the thing; let's go and be alone in this secluded room", the mission story for taking a tour leads to the most retarded "target gives you the exact tools to kill her" situation yet
- Invisible washing machines


MENDOZA - THE VINEYARD PARTY:
A vineyard in Argentina is playing host to a party, and will soon play host to a murder or two.

+ The winery tour kills are so obvious but SO GOOD
+ Being able to see both targets die without killing either yourself
- Having to give the winery tour a billion times is annoying
- "hey we don't have enough unique assassinations for the Mendoza level" "eh just reuse the pen one from Landslide and the microphone one from Bangkok"
- haha I love bugged challenges when I'm struggling toward top mastery
- They gave the rest of the unlockable costumes the nice plain black gloves, but the nice tux gets the shitty driving gloves again!!! HA HA HA HA HA


CARPATHIAN MOUNTAINS - THE MURDER TRAIN:
choo choo

+ Fun shooting gallery
- Not much else to it


GAME CRASHES:
1. in Dartmoor, I think I broke the game completely by accident (I forced Alexa to take the family picture, then I talked to the butler to start the murder investigation without talking to Alexa first, so when I saw Alexa again, she launched into her 'start the investigation' speech, then asking the butler for more information caused the game to crash)
2. reloading the autosave caused the same thing to happen (if I ask the butler for more information while Alexa's talking, he just freezes in place and nothing happens)
3. third crash of the same sort (reloaded the autosave, but instead of asking the butler for more information, I talked to Alexa again and the game crashed)


BUGGED CHALLENGES THAT WON'T START/UNLOCK:
Berlin - Herr Ziegler Plus One
Mendoza - Estate Wines
Mendoza - Grapes of Wrath


HOW I THOUGHT I'D RANK THE LEVELS BEFORE PLAYING: Berlin > Dartmoor > Chongqing > Mendoza > Dubai > Carpathian Mountains
HOW I ACTUALLY RANK THE LEVELS: Berlin > Dubai > Dartmoor > Mendoza > Carpathian Mountains > Chongqing



(probably not) FINAL LEVEL RANKINGS
i've gotten full mastery in all of them

S TIER:
Miami (H2)
Hokkaido (H1)
Berlin (H3)

A TIER:
Sapienza (H1)
New York (H2)
Whittleton Creek (H2)

B TIER:
Paris (H1)
Dubai (H3)
Haven Island (H2)
Dartmoor (H3)
Mendoza (H3)

C TIER:
Bangkok (H1)
ICA Facility (H1)
Carpathian Mountains (H3)
Mumbai (H2)

D TIER:
Chongqing (H3)
Hawke's Bay (H2)
Santa Fortuna (H2)
Marrakesh (H1)

F TIER:
Isle of Sgail (H2)
Colorado (H1)



once contracts mode starts working again, I will get that platinum trophy
(all I need is a contracts mode trophy, the contracts tutorial trophy, and all the ICA Facility trophies again)

overall, Hitman 3 was a fun time
it didn't reinvent the wheel, but it didn't need to
four fun new main levels, a fun shooting gallery train level, and an extremely disappointing China level
9/10 it was pretty much exactly what I wanted
with the potential to rise if the post-launch support is good