game of the year all years

WE'RE ONTO PAGE FOUR BOYS
here are all the reviews from the last three pages (scores may be adjusted to be more accurate to how i feel right now)

Castlevania: Lament of Innocence (2003) - PS2 [7.5/10]
Yakuza 6: The Song of Life (2018) - PS4 [9/10]
SSX Blur (2007) - Wii [0/10]
SSX On Tour (2005) - PS2 [7/10]
Sly Cooper: Thieves in Time (2013) - PS3 [6.5/10]
Red Dead Redemption II (2018) - Xbone [8/10]
Castlevania: Symphony of the Night (1997) - PS1 [6.5/10]
Warriors Orochi 4 (2018) - Xbone [9.5/10]
Mario + Rabbids: Kingdom Battle (2017) - Switch [6/10]
Dead or Alive Xtreme 3 (2016) - PS4 [7/10]
Disgaea 5 Complete (2017) - Switch [8/10]
Soul Calibur VI (2018) - PS4 [9/10]
Forza Horizon 4 (2018) - Xbone [9/10]
Octopath Traveller (2018) - Switch [6/10 fuck this game]
Hyrule Warriors Definitive Edition (2018) - Switch [9/10]
Kingdom Hearts III (2019) - PS4 [9/10]
Super Smash Bros. Ultimate (2018) - Switch [8/10]
Yakuza Kiwami 2 (2018) - PS4 [9.5/10]
Senran Kagura: Estival Versus (2016) - PS4 [6/10]
Pokémon Moon (2016) - 3DS [6/10]
Devil May Cry 5 (2019) - Xbone [9/10]
Crackdown 3 (2019) - Xbone [7/10]
Sunset Overdrive (2014) - Xbone [9/10]
-----The Mystery of the Mooil Rig [7.5/10]
-----Dawn of the Rise of the Fallen Machines [3/10]

page 2:

page 1:

Ultimate Marvel vs. Capcom 3 (2011) - Xbone
Played via Xbox Live Game Pass, using the $1 for three months deal
I've always wanted to play this one, but I haven't really played any 2D fighting games before.

+ Dante uses all kinds of moves I recognise from DMC3, and honestly just feels right
+ Vergil is sick
+ There are a lot of really fun movesets here
+ The Heroes and Heralds mode is great for just like playing the game
+ A lot of great choices for both sides (Phoenix Wright, Frank West, Dr. Strange (pre-movie), Deadpool (pre-movie), She-Hulk)
- Phoenix Wright is so not fun to play as
- No Daredevil? Really?
- Galactus is the fucking worst
- Do ho ho fucking ho I can hit for infinity damage with my lasers
- Do ho ho fucking ho I can flick your character out of the battle
- Do ho ho fucking ho I can knock your guy to the other end of the stage where he can't get me and the mobility in this game is awful

Since the final boss fight can be easily avoided using Heroes and Heralds mode, I have no real complaints.
UMvC3 is a very fun game that I want to play more and more of. Characters like Dante and Wolverine feel perfect to control. Not all of them are fun to play as, but that's the way this sort of game always goes.
8/10 really fun but could have used an actual single-player mode

How much you get out of this game is directly tied to how much you care about Marvel and Capcom, though.

Just Cause 4 (2018) - Xbone
Played via Xbox Live Game Pass, using the $1 for three months deal
I've never played the other three, but whatever

+ The opening sequence gets you absolutely ready to play this game
+ Grappling two objects together is fun
+ Grappling shipping containers together so they crush NPCs is great
+ Attaching a balloon to two people then attaching a rocket booster to them is the highlight of the game
+ Blowing shit up is fun
+ When you get some good speed, flying around the world with your grappling hook, parachute, and wingsuit is great at the start
- The grappling hook's range seems way too short
- The world could stand to be A LOT smaller; the empty sections are way too large
- And this makes travelling get really old
- Driving sucks
- Swimming is awful
- Supporting cast sucks, except for my boy whatshisface who leads the rebellion
- The movie producer ESPECIALLY sucks
- Weapons hold too little ammo and it's annoying to find more
- Grenade launcher fucking SUCKS
- The drone factory mission was awful
- The "drive bomb cars into the water" mission was awful
- The missions don't play to the strengths of the game, and instead play to the weaknesses
- Lots of driving
- Lots of annoying characters
- Lots of "stand around and wait for whatsherface to hack"

I'm not going to finish this game. I gave it a chance, and it's just not very good. Even if I ignore the bad missions, I'm still stuck with the pointlessly huge open world to get around.
A lot of the core systems are fun, but this game shows how important level design and mission design are to games.
5.5/10

It was worth the download just to attach boosters and balloons to people and cars for a couple hours, though

Banjo-Kazooie (1998/2008) - Xbox 360/Xbone
Played via Xbox Live Game Pass, using the $1 for three months deal
A classic N64 platformer that I've never played
It's easy to see why people loved this game when it came out. Some '90s 3D issues are present, but they don't hurt the game too much.

+ The amount of things to grab in each level is just right (some collect-a-thon platformers have way too many objects to grab) [100 notes, 10 jiggies, 2 honeycomb pieces, 5 little jigaboos]
+ Mumbo's Mountain is a great first level
+ Bubblegloop Swamp is a great level full-stop
+ Gobi's Desert is a really good level (honestly the best one as far as how intuitive each puzzle is)
+ Racing in Freezeezy Peak is fun
+ Click Clock Wood is amazing; 10/10 gimmick, 10/10 music
+ Rusty Bucket Bay is hard, but that feeling of accomplishment when I did the engine room/rear propellers though (made it to the rear propellers first try)
+ Grunty's Furnace Fun
+ Clanker's Cavern is honestly not bad, considering how awful I imagined it would be with those swimming controls
- Those gator things that come out of the wall can kiss my fucking ass though
- Why is the swimming music inside of and underneath Clanker so threatening-sounding when there aren't even any enemies underwater there
- Bird-bombing the hats off the snowmen in Freezeezy Peak is the fucking worst
- The green ghosts in the church in Mad Monster Mansion are also the fucking worst (even if there was an easy solution, I didn't realise and got pissed right the fuck off)
- Kazooie is annoying; she insults everyone and her insults aren't even clever
- The dialogue moves so slowly
- The camera is pretty shit
- The camera specifically in one pyramid in Gobi's Desert is awful, obscuring four music notes
- Swimming controls are awful
- That hub world is terrible (good examples of 3D hub worlds in the same era: Mario 64, Spyro 1-3)
- Final boss is shit (yes, constantly lob projectiles at me while I need to crouch down and launch eggs at you)

regular levels from best to worst:
Click Clock Wood
Bubblegloop Swamp
Gobi's Desert
Treasure Trove Cove
Mumbo's Mountain
Freezeezy Peak
Rusty Bucket Bay
Clanker's Cavern
Mad Monster Mansion

I had a good time with this game at the age of 25 with immediate access to the internet.
I probably wouldn't have had a good time as a kid aged 5-10 without immediate access to the internet. I would never have gotten past Clanker's Cavern, because I would have been terrified of the wall alligators and Clanker himself (I never would have gone close enough to realise that he never hurts you). I especially would have hated the way the note system works on N64, even as an adult.
Luckily, I am playing this both as an adult, and on the Xbox.

I was thinking 7-7.5 through most of the game, but Rusty Bucket Bay (the last level I did, after Click Clock Wood) pushed me up to an 8. The controls and camera aren't always the best, but the game lays out what you need to do and gives you your tools. The minigames and transformations are short and mostly simple; there's none of that "challenge from sudden gameplay shifts" bullshit later 3D platformers would throw at you. I've heard Banjo-Tooie goes down this road, but I'll still give it a shot a little later.
Unfortunately, the final boss was so shit that it's now a
7/10

Didn't beat the final boss, don't give a shit
I got 900/900 notes, 100/100 jiggies, and a complete health bar
I technically saw the credits



25 May EDIT:
After having a few weeks to let the game sink in more, I'd like to re-rank the levels.

1. Click Clock Wood
2. Bubblegloop Swamp
3. Freezeezy Peak
4. Gobi's Valley
5. Rusty Bucket Bay
6. Mumbo's Mountain
7. Treasure Trove Cove
8. Clanker's Cavern
9. Mad Monster Mansion

thank you for

Split/Second (2010) - Xbox 360/Xbone
Played via Xbox Live Game Pass, using the $1 for three months deal
A highly-rated racing game I'd completely forgotten about.

+ The way the courses can completely change routes is neato
- There could stand to be more of them though
- Sense of speed could be better
- My car seems to be way slower than everyone else's (and I'm using the fastest car I've unlocked; you unlock more cars by doing well in races but I can't do that if my car is shit)
- The timing for when you're able to activate destruction objects is retarded; the window closes before the other racers are even in position to be hit
- A lot of destruction objects do almost nothing
- Drifting seems to get away from me too much
- Cutscenes are TOO LOUD

Basically, this is a great premise that simply doesn't work out well. For a racing game to work, the player needs to feel like their speed is comparable to the other racers, unless he's intentionally gimping himself by choosing a shitty car. By the time you unlock a better car, the AI racers are already way past it.
It doesn't help that the main gimmick of the game, the destruction events, don't work on the AI half the time. When they do, it's because you're in seventh place and the sixth place driver just isn't very good.
My rating would probably be a lot lower if I had paid money for it rather than getting it via Game Pass, but
6/10

Banjo-Tooie (2000/2009) - Xbox 360/Xbone
Played via Xbox Live Game Pass, using the $1 for three months deal
After not finishing Banjo-Kazooie despite gathering 100% of the collectibles, I'm back again (and about time too) for Banjo-Tooie
I'm not going to finish this one either, but for a different reason

+ You start with every move from the first game already unlocked
+ They fixed the overworld warp system (thus the hubworld is already less awful than the first game's)
+ The van transformation is a total and complete 10/10
+ The idea of splitting up Banjo and Kazooie specifically so Banjo can use his backpack is great
+ The shit with the ice cube NPCs was 10/10
+ Smuggling food from Witchyworld to Terrydactyland was cool
+ I like that levels connect and interact with eachother
- But a lot of shit is just "you learn a move in level 2 that you need to use in level 1!!! how zany!!!"
- Grunty's sisters are annoying
- And they have the gall to call Grunty annoying and tell her to stop rhyming when that's the only interesting thing about her
- Some transformations suck (TNT plunger)
- The levels are a bit too big
- I really liked Jolly Roger's Lagoon until whoosp it's the shitty underwater level!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Hey great idea guys let's take our shitty swimming controls and add underwater COMBAT A-FUCKIN-HYUCK
- I cannot overstate how disappointed I am with Jolly Roger's Lagoon; I loved the town/doubloons/everything until the actual level happened
- Fuck Grunty Industries and its annoying layout
- Fuck Hailfire Peaks and its stupid-ass "lava hands appear out of nowhere to smack you into the lava"
- Also fuck the constant rain of fireballs/iceballs
- Fuck Cloud Cuckooland

LEVEL RANKINGS:
GOOD LEVELS:
Witchyworld
Glitter Gulch Mine

OKAY LEVELS:
Terrydactyland
Mayahem Temple

BAD LEVELS:
Grunty Industries
Jolly Roger's Lagoon
Hailfire Peaks
Cloud Cuckooland

Spoiler:

In the end, Banjo-Tooie is great at times, bad at others, and it's all because of the level design. This game honestly could have been way better than the original, if only most of the levels weren't so shit, especially toward the end.
I got 49 jiggies and called it a game.
6/10


25 May EDIT:
after a couple weeks, i'd like to redo my level chart in the spoiler to line up with the one I redid in the BK review

Spoiler:

14 Jun EDIT:
I got back to playing this game and completed Grunty Industries (minus the FPS section)
It's actually a pretty good level if you don't just enter it and say "fuck this"
i liked the boss fight against the welding torch, and bouncing across the acid in Banjo's backpack
the washing machine also ended up being one of the better transformations in the game, if you consider the challenges in the way it interacts with the level (can't use warp pads, can enter service elevator)
it was an intimidating level, but i'm glad i got through it
so let's reorganise once again:

Spoiler:

i'm raising my score to a 7/10

The LEGO Movie Game (2014) - Xbone
Played via Xbox Live Game Pass, using the $1 for three months deal
Everything is awesome

+ The main menu music is sick
+ That cheeky taunt in the first level though
+ The construction site level near the end is great
+ The submarine level is neat
- Until it turns into a way too long swimming level
- The hacking minigame SUCKS
- The way you replay levels in this game is shit
- The "jump here" circles and the "replay level" circles look too similar, leading me to think my game was glitched

6.5/10
a middle-of-the-road LEGO game

Ys VIII: Lacrimosa of Dana (2017) - PS4
Ys is a long-running Japanese action RPG series. The games follow the her Adol as he adventures around the world. Each adventure Adol takes is separate and unrelated to previous adventures.
I don't remember how, but I saw gameplay and reviews of this game, and really wanted to play it. The problem was that it was short-printed, so physical copies were, like, $100. I refuse to pay $60 for a digital game, so I was stuck playing the long game. Luckily, the long game worked out and I found a physical copy for $40. (it had case damage but the disc and paper sleeve were intact so I can just easily replace the plastic case) I also considered getting the Switch version, but I was waiting for $40 or less regardless.

The premise of the game is simple. Adol is on a ship, heading off for his next adventure. On the way, they have to pass a cursed island, and they decide it would be a good time to sail right up to it. They are attacked by the kraken and shipwrecked. Adol then has to rescue everyone from the ship (scattered across the island), and they build a nice settlement on the island.
Except it's not simple because they fuck it up

+ You can change the button layout to anything you desire (which is completely necessary because I hated character switch being on square)
+ Different playable characters play completely differently (and they play pretty well to boot; Sahad is the worst one and he's still okay)
+ When Dana is alone in her sections, she ends up getting different fighting styles, which are really nice (love the speedy one)
+ Most of the voice acting is good (barring Dana and small children)
+ The cast of characters that make up the castaway village is legitimately great
+ Backtracking feels meaningful/not annoying with the way obstacles are presented, and the fast travel points and quick movement speed (if you jump and airdodge everywhere like I do)
+ I love it when games are like "okay now you can go do a b c d and e have fun" (even if b d and e just end up being treasure chests) [shame this only happens near the beginning of the game]
+ The serial killer subplot
+ Dana's optional dungeon is GREAT (except for the story)
+ I especially liked the "you can only break a certain number of rocks or the door closes" puzzle (though I'm not sure I did it correctly because I did some weird jumps and stood on a really thin ledge)
+ Dana's hidden boss is GREAT (except for the story)
+ The setup of the game is really great; finding survivors of a shipwreck on a monster-filled island and building a settlement so you can pool together and get off the island is a cool concept for a game
- But then they had to add Dana and her flashback/chosen one bullshit
- The "dream" intermissions with Dana are boring and I really don't give a shit
- And the first playable one hoo boy is that annoying
- Dana's voice is annoying
- "hey we're the church your daughter is like really cool so we're going to take her for ten years and see if she's the chosen one (you and she have no say in this)"
- "oh hey you're the chosen one and leader of our entire religion BUT STRAIGHTEN UP AND FLY RIGHT YOU LITTLE PIECE OF SHIT"
- Olga's hair looks really fucking stupid and I hate it
- I wish that they wouldn't just throw you into the past sections as Dana with no way to return until they're done
- Like, the number one complaint I have about this game is that you hit a cutscene trigger, and the game forces you to do whatever it wants at the time (meaning you have to keep from forgetting everything else you wanted to do)
- Silvia should have been a party member
- I strongly dislike some of the enemy designs (mostly the plant-based ones)
- There are only so many times someone can say "psyches" before it stops sounding like a word
- Jesus Christ that ending is horrible
- "you ended the repeated genocide of the world!!! so uh now i'm going to go do it again brb"

I really liked the idea of getting stranded on an island, needing to find the survivors of the shipwreck, building a village, and then trying to escape.
I loved how everything was done by rescuing survivors. How their skills would open shops, or allows you to pass certain obstacles. How getting enough of them let you clear obstacles. The game's progression system moved at a great pace, and I felt like the core theme of the game was teamwork.
These aspects, however, seem to be completely thrown out in chapter 3. Once Dana starts getting her own playable sections, the majority of obstacles aren't cleared with your shipwreck survivor friends, they're cleared by Dana planting a tree in the past. The themes that I thought the game was going for were completely abandoned. It doesn't help that Dana's sections are filled with characters and lore that I find horrendously boring, and every time I had to play as her, I would groan and wish I was playing as Adol and friends again.
Forced character/plot swapping intermittently only works in a game if the player likes both characters. Yakuza 0 is a great example of this done right. Ys VIII, however, is an example of this going horribly wrong.
I loved the way the game started, but then it had to "get bigger than just the survivors of the shipwreck". Why? Why can't anything be simple? I fucking hate being jerked around by these stupid-ass plots when the games simply don't need them. This game reminds me a lot of modern Pokémon games in that way; they don't need their overwrought plots, and are actively worse for having them.

The first two chapters of the game had me at a strong 9.5/10, but the game just goes downhill from there. I legitimately dropped the game for two months at the end of chapter four.
It honestly doesn't go THAT far downhill, but, fuck. It could have been so much better if they hadn't tried so hard.

In the end, Ys VIII is still a very good game that I'm glad I was able to play. I'm thinking about playing Ys Seven. (the plot order is VIII -> Seven -> IX, completely ruining the classic 'why was six afraid of seven' joke)
8/10
but it could have been so much more if only it were so much less

Spider-Man (2018) - PS4
I was really excited for this game, but then I learned it had really shitty stealth segments where you play as Mary Jane and Miles Morales. Why do developers feel the need to do this shit? "it's important to feel the contrast of being a non-superhero in this world!!!" Fuck off, this is a videogame not a fucking movie. Videogames aren't art, they're toys for children. (manchild is a type of child)
Either way, after playing and loving Insomniac's previous game, Sunset Overdrive, I felt I had to play this. The shitty stealth segments apparently make up just one hour total, so I'll suffer through it. The game otherwise looks really good.
I bought the game on ebay for $23.

+ L O C O M O T I O N
+ Webbing people to walls is 10/10 fun
+ If you get into a non-phone call sequence while on a call, Peter will call back whoever called and pick up the conversation where it left off (SHOULD BE A STANDARD FEATURE IN ALL APPLICABLE GAMES)
+ Legitimately like that all the collectibles unlock at different times, because it means I get to swing around the city more
+ I honestly like the backpack collectibles because each has a different object Spider-Man will comment on, with a small story behind it (I unironically wish there were more of them)
+ Gang hideouts
+ The Taskmaster stealth missions are great
+ The bird-watcher side quest
+ The imitation Spider-Man side quest
+ That one side quest where you can't webswing because your webs keep dissolving
+ Screwball is GREAT (I said in my Sunset Overdrive review that I LOVED the female protagonist's voice actress, and I was really glad they brought her in for this one)
+ Yuri is the best support character
+ Yuri Lowenthal is honestly a great Spider-Man
+ The relationship between Doc Ock and Peter is really well-done, and Otto's voice actor really works in the role, in all facets
+ That ending
+ A lot of different suits you can unlock, including Ben Reilly's Scarlet Spider, Sam Raimi movie suit, and Future Foundation
+ The "dark suit" you get for Black Cat's side missions is absolutely a 10/10
+ You can pretty much immediately switch back to the classic red and blue suit after you're forced into Insomniac's new suit
- Which is good since Insomniac's new suit SUCKS
- I get that Bag-Man is iconic or whatever, but I'd rather have had a straight-up Fantastic Four Spider-Man costume ( https://marvel.fandom.com/wiki/What_If%3F_Newer_Fantastic_Four_Vol_1_1 )
- Ugly-ass wrestling suit instead of the sick-ass Raimi one
- Climb Assassin's Creed towers to reveal the map of MANHATTAN (the uncharted lands of New York City!!!)
- The Black Cat side missions suck and are "BUY THE DLC TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT" bait
- The Taskmaster "follow drone" missions kind of suck
- The Taskmaster "defuse bombs" missions really suck
- One time the game glitched and the button prompt didn't appear to rescue a guy from underneath an overturned car (not that big a deal because I was just able to leave but still)
- Those fucking load times when a side quest needs to change the time of day
- I wish the location point markers disappeared from the map after you clear them; I hate having to do it manually every time I want to find something on the map
- They downgraded the puddles, and that's an objective fact (I wouldn't care at all if there wasn't so much backlash against the backlash) [complaining about people complaining is the fucking worst] {i understand the hypocrisy}
- If Insomniac were going for "girl power", they failed because Mary Jane is legitimately retarded in this game
- "we broke up because you're always treating me like a baby!!!" YOU BROKE INTO A MILITARY BASE AND A MAN WAS POINTING A GUN AT YOU RETARD

I am now going to list every not-Spider-Man stealth section in the game and talk about them:
1: Mary Jane in the museum - makes sense story-wise (she couldn't have known the demon gang would break in); it's short and not like awful
2: Miles at City Hall - "hey let me march in to where these terrorists are killing civilians when i'm already injured" also: "hey that boy saw my face ah well leave him alive we've got shit to do that won't wait for you to thrust downward with your arms" gameplay-wise it's short and only kind of awful
3: Mary Jane at the garage - Mary Jane has a deathwish; it was less awful than the last one I guess
4: Mary Jane at the outpost - Mary Jane DEFINITELY has a deathwish; this section was too long and was awful (and it was too unintuitive; I had no idea where to go a few times) [the phone call afterward was ridiculous]
5: Miles going to the shelter - kind of stupid (just take a short detour dude) but the section was really short and actually NOT BAD (if it had been longer or bad, I'd be pissed about how close it is to the last one)
6: Mary Jane at the convention centre - not that stupid; marking targets for Spider-Man was a decent use of the segement I suppose (these segments are getting WAY too close together)
7: Miles getting pills - makes sense for the story, but FUCK is it terrible
8: Mary Jane at the penthouse - makes sense; the stun gun is extremely CATHARTIC

The saving grace is that most of them are short and have well-placed checkpoints.
They may "strengthen the narrative", but it's a fucking videogame. The most important thing is gameplay, and these segments are absolute shit in that regard.

I actually kind of liked Miles in this game. I haven't read any comics with him, but he fits well here. Since Miles got bit by that spider near the end, is he going to be a playable Spider-Man in the sequel or THE playable Spider-Man in the sequel? Is he going to replace Peter like in Ultimate, or just be Spider-Man 2 like he is now? I don't like how they're both just called "Spider-Man"; Miles should have had a different name to make it less awkward when they're in the same story. I'm partial to "Spider-Lad" (which was a line that stuck with me from one of the PS1 games)
Bendis is still a fucking retard, though. Who the fuck names a black guy "Jefferson Davis"? I'm not the kind of person who would complain if he just smacked his lips all day and ate watermelon and fried chicken. But naming a black guy after the only president of the Confederate States of America is absolutely ridiculous. Does he have a cousin named Robert E. Lee? Fucking retarded. I don't know why Bendis decided to make a black Spider-Man, but if it was for pandering reasons, he completely fucked up. And you can't honestly expect me to believe it was an accident.

As far as the season pass goes, people's main complaint seems to be "too much Screwball" but I don't think that's possible

Without stealth missions, I'd be all over this game; 9.5/10
With stealth missions:
9/10
And I feel really weird about it
It's just such a good game even though they fucked it up

Quantum Break (2016) - Xbone
Played via Xbox Live Game Pass, using the $1 for three months deal
From the creators of a game I've never played comes this game that I kept forgetting about

+ After act one, the game is pretty okay
+ The very last cutscene is pretty neat
+ Time powers are neato
- Recharge time is too long
- The enemy in the lab who you have to circle around is a really shitty fight
- The whole gimmick of the game is the live action TV segments, but the streaming service isn't working (thank god for YouTube)
- And holy shit the first one is boring (didn't even try to watch the others)
- The final boss fight sucks, and it is not at all clear what you have to do (the main gimmick of the fight led me to say, and I quote "how the fuck did I die")

The best thing about this game is how short it is, and that it was pretty much free. I wouldn't recommend paying money for it, but there is an entertaining couple hours here. I don't regret playing it for basically $0, but I would have regretted paying for it at all. I'd be way more sour on it in that case, but since it was part of Game Pass, which also gave me a bunch of way better games:
5.5/10
note that a 5.5/10 is playable and enjoyable at times, but not really a recommendation unless the setting/gameplay gimmicks really appeal to you, it's free/dirt cheap, or you're an achievement whore who wants an easy 550+ gamerscore for about an eight-hour playthrough of an okay game



by the way,
As I was playing, I kept thinking that Paul looked an awful lot like CIA from The Dark Knight Rises.
IT'S FUCKING HIM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8hf1VLtb24

Crash Team Racing: Nitro Fueled (2019) - Switch
OH MAN
The words "Crash Team Racing remake" made me nervous. The fact that Beenox was handling it made me nervous. But every single reveal washed all that away. This game is something I never thought I'd see from Activision: an actual passion project. They could have gotten away with just putting in the CTR tracks and characters, and adding online play. But no, they went the extra mile overboard and added all the Crash Nitro Kart tracks and characters, as well as completely customisable karts, and extra costumes for every character. AND the adventure mode is back with new difficulty options, the ability to unlock and use new characters, costumes, and kart pieces immediately, AND everything you can't win in adventure mode is purchasable with IN-GAME currency. AND they're going to add even more tracks and characters that aren't in the base game for free. A $40 game that goes above and beyond and has free updates with the kind of new content they could easily get away with charging for. Even the collector's edition just unlocks things earlier. What's the catch? Seriously, what is it?

Because I bought the game day one, I got an insert to download the Electron outfits for Crash, Coco, and Cortex. Pretty cool

+ It's the same game, with everything left intact
+ They managed to actually make me like Tiny Arena for the first time
+ It's got all the Crash Nitro Kart courses (finally in a good game)
+ The worms on Out of Time are GONE
+ Being able to play as the bosses in adventure mode (and Oxide full-stop) is really all I ever wanted
+ The new karts are a great addition
+ You're not stuck with whatever paintjob your character has by default any more
- Still hate relic challenges
- Items in the pit stop are way too expensive
- Items in the pit stop rotate every 24 hours, meaning you may not be able to get what you want for a month (god help you if you miss a day)
- The piranha plants on Papu's Pyramid have been buffed (fuck that)
- The boss fight for 100% completion can kiss my fucking ass
- I especially love how having your baby toe on the railing is a fucking deathwarp
- Clockwork Wumpa is confusing and horribly-designed
- Apparently, there's a bug when the game crashes that corrupts all your save data (and it likes to crash in time trials, so I've avoided those)

COURSE TIER LIST:

Spoiler:

I got 99% completion
I'll work on the 100% eventually
Won't change the rating, though
9/10
It's probably better than the original, but I can't give it a 10/10 with its current slate of issues
It's still the best kart racer

UPDATE:
The first Grand Prix for CTR: Nitro-Fueled has been up for a few days now, and I need to lower the game's score.

The problems from the first two weeks are still here. The economy is fucking atrocious, and unlocking anything with wumpa coins is a soul-sucking grind. The biggest payout per minute level, Jungle Boogie, actually had its coin output nerfed. It was 40 per race, now it's 30. Beenox seems to want people to languish in poverty, and grind out race after race.
The Grand Prix added expensive new bundles, characters, karts, etc. The pit stop still rotates every day, so god fucking help you if you want some base game content now. Some of the base game costumes and karts STILL haven't rotated into the pit stop even the once, for fuck's sake. But now we've got all this other shit that takes priority.
So
1: the economy is fucked, so you can't afford anything
2: even if you can, who even fucking knows if what you want will ever be available to purchase

And that isn't even my main problem with the update.
The Grand Prix has challenges that update every day, basically saying "if you want this shit, play every day". You even have to do the shitty battle mode no one cares about.
But the best part is that today's challenges DON'T FUCKING WORK
I just wasted an hour of my life trying to complete challenges multiple times, and, despite clearly meeting the requirements, I have nothing to show for it. I can waste my goddamn time just fine on my own.

Fuck this game. It would have been better if all the pit stop and Grand Prix content didn't exist in the first place.

Judgement (2019) - PS4
aka
Yakuza: Judge Eyes (2019) - PS4
This game is set in the same timeline and world as the Yakuza games, even if it doesn't actually have "Yakuza" in the title. Instead of playing as an ex-yakuza, in Judge Eyes, you play as a private investigator trying to crack a case that naturally becomes way larger-scale than anticipated.
This game has a full English dub, and both dual audio and dual subtitle tracks. I didn't use the dub because I've already played eight Yakuza games with subtitles, and it would be weird to switch over now. Maybe on a repeat playthrough if it's good.

Tangent: I had to get this game special ordered. Walmart didn't have it, and Bull Moose didn't have it. Exactly one Bull Moose store had it in stock, in some place called "Mill Creek". I'm not certain that's a place that exists. I looked it up on a map, and they really should have said "South Portland" because I know where that is
This is important to note, because despite the fact that they're adding features clearly meant to appeal to a western audience, no store in my home city had it. Yes, I technically live in a city. We've got a Walmart and everything. I was able to get Yakuza 6 with no trouble on release day.

+ That TV show-ass opening though ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TbpxZ2qdzs0 )
+ Claw machine prizes do more than just clog up your inventory; now you can decorate Yagami's office with them
+ The Twisted Trio side cases though
+ Yosuke is the best
+ There's a proper English duel
+ THE RAD SKATEBOARDING TRICKS
+ The Honmaruen raid, in every fucking way
+ The part where you play as Saori though
+ The office chair fight scene though
+ Legitimately the first set of villains in this series that made me feel legitimately angry (unless you count Park or Yasuko as villains)
+ This battle song ( https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2uDYWbkoXYg ), especially the part that starts around 45 seconds in
+ The entire final segment
- No karaoke
- Even worse: Yagami's original Japanese voice actor was a professional singer; he was in the boy band SMAP
- Thumb bypasses suck
- The Keihin Gang shit is fucking stupid; "hey yagami the same two gang leaders you've beaten the shit out of five times now are razing the city looking for you again"
- Seriously, FUCK the Keihin Gang; they are the WORST part of any Yakuza game from a gameplay standpoint
- FUCK the mortal wounds system; it wouldn't be so bad if there was more than ONE FUCKING DOCTOR IN TOWN or even if that one FUCKING doctor wasn't in the GODDAMN SEWERS
- Nanami is a fucking headcase
- Even worse: she BRINGS UP karaoke even though you can't do it
- The Fire Calamity side case's tailing mission is the FUCKING WORST (that fatass motherfucker turns around every five seconds and there's fucking nowhere to hide and Yagami magnetises to the narrow crack)
- Making friends can be tedious, and is required to do all the side cases
- In order to do the last two side cases, you need all 50 friends, one of which requires you to learn to play fucking Mahjong and another to find all 50 QR codes scattered around the city

This game also made me realise exactly what the next goofy Yakuza side title should be. Imagine stalking the neon-lit streets of Kamurocho at midnight as a vampire. They already did a zombie game, so move up the totem pole to vampires. They could make a new main character, or they could just reuse an old one. Yagami is the obvious candidate, but anyone would do, except maybe Shinada.

Obligatory rating of the girlfriends: Amane > Tsukino > Sana > Nanami
(shame that none of them would return in a hypothetical Judgement 2; Yagami x Amane may just be the OTP)


Judgement is an absolutely great game held back by two baffling decisions.
1. The Keihin Gang raids are completely random, and a monotonous, boring slog. Even ignoring them is frustrating, since if you walk down the wrong street, you get into the SAME FUCKING SHITTY BOSS FIGHT FOR THE THOUSANDTH FUCKING TIME
2. The mortal wounds system makes it so you can't use your entire health bar until you either use a medical kit or go to the doctor (who is also the only guy who sells medical kits) but OF COURSE, there's only ONE FUCKING DOCTOR IN ALL OF TOKYO AND HE LIVES IN THE FUCKING SEWERS
The fight against the final member of the Keihin Four in chapter 11 is the most mad I've been at a game in a long-ass time, especially if we're just talking about gameplay reasons and not story missions. I'd JUST fucking gone to the sewers to heal my mortal-ass wounds from the last section, and the fucking final member of the Keihin Four shows up and gives me MORE FUCKING MORTAL WOUNDS
Then, as I angrily make my way back to the stupid fucking sewer, I forget that it's the middle of a stupid-ass Keihin Raid, and bumble right into the same SHITTY FUCKING BOSS FIGHT I'VE ALREADY FOUGHT EIGHT FUCKING TIMES

In the end, I completed the main story, made 45/50 friends, and completed 48/50 side cases. It took me just over 48 hours to beat the game.
9.5/10
I really just love this series.

Yakuza game rankings:
1. Yakuza 0
2. Yakuza 3
3. Yakuza Kiwami 2
4. Judgement
5. Yakuza 5
6. Yakuza 6
7. Yakuza 2
8. Yakuza Kiwami
9. Yakuza 4

Good Yakuza stories: 0, 2, Judgement
Yakuza stories that are so ridiculous I can't help but love them: 3, 5, 6
Bad Yakuza stories: 1, 4


Okay so here are my thoughts on the series's future:
If they're going to stick to yearly releases, alternating between mainline and Judgement is the way to go. Even though they're set in the same city and share a lot of the same quirks and structure, Judgement still feels pretty different than the other seven Yakuza games.
Judgement needs to stay in Tokyo by design, but Tokyo is a huge city. Kamurocho isn't even scratching the surface of what Tokyo has to offer. Everyone knows about Akibahara, the nerdy whatever area, but there's also business sectors, large areas full of traditional-style Japanese buildings, and even a faux-beachfront. If we're going back to the large minigames 5, 0, and 6 had, Yagami could become a lifeguard or even coach an esports team or something in these places.
I understand their desire to keep mainline Yakuza and Judgement separate in terms of cast, but Akiyama could fit in pretty well if they wanted to port him over. His section of Yakuza 5 was basically detectivework anyway. Kaito and Sugiura could also be good option for secondary protagonists.

Shin Yakuza, meanwhile, should definitely go the route Yakuza 5 went. Yakuza 5 had flaws, but the broad, ambitious scope, with five different cities and protagonists, was definitely the way to go. Yakuza 6 wanted to end Kiryu's story, so it makes sense that it would be much smaller in scale, but Shin is the opportunity to be ambitious again, especially with three Dragon Engine games under their belt.
Saejima needs to be able to redeem himself, after his chapters in Yakuza 4 and 5 were by far the worst parts of the game. There's nothing wrong with his character or fighting style, just the situations they put him in. Shit stealth segments in 4, and the worst city in the series in 5, plus two goddamn prison break segments. Keep him out of prison, and give him a good section.
I'd also like Shinada to return, but I understand how unlikely that is. I loved his city and supporting cast in 5, and I hope they'll return someday.

Samurai Warriors: Spirit of Sanada (2017) - PS4
On the 400th anniversary of Yukimura Sanada's death, all kinds of stage shows and such were produced and performed in Japan. Koei was a bit late, releasing their tribute to the Sanada clan a year later in 2016. We got it just last year, but it's been sitting on my shelf for a while waiting to be played
Spirit of Sanada is unique in that it follows one clan's story exclusively, from a much earlier starting point than normal Samurai Warriors games. Also, each Sanada character actually ages as the game goes on.

+ The way the "exploration levels" are handled is really nice; it allows us to see the Japanese countryside without making the game actually open world
+ Nobuyuki likes things that are long and straight so I gave him a bundle of straight sticks but then I realised that they're not straight any more because together they formed a faggot
+ The narrower focus of the game allows the narrative to be explored much further and more completely
- But it goes bit too far beyond battles and politics into PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH UNLIKABLE CUNT (Chacha)
- Chacha is the fucking worst
- No English dub if you're into that sort of thing
- Muramatsu is annoyingly perfect
- Masayuki's string of betrayals mid-game makes it hard to like him or the clan
- Why the fuck does Sasuke have a tail
- Chapter 9 goes on for far too long (did I mention how much I hate Chacha)
- All of the errands with/for Chacha gave me a fucking headache and I stopped playing the game for seven months
- The battle of Sekigahara fucking sucks in this game
- Chapter 13 starts with everyone's favourite - a shitty fucking stealth mission
- The strategems system is flawed because Sanada coins are hard to acquire, and you can only have six at a time, meaning you'll just pass up most of the opportunities to use them in case you need them later

Honestly, the game isn't great. It's the only game as of now to have the few characters introduced for it, but they should end up in SW5 anyway.
I didn't finish this game. I got to chapter 13's shitty stealth mission, and just gave up after a few attempts. It doesn't help that the reason for the shitty stealth mission was to check on Chacha, a character I hate.

Spirit of Sanada starts out really well, but loses its shit once Yukimura becomes the main character. The clan's actions become unreasonable, the focus characters become unlikable, and you get dumb bullshit gameplay segments.
6/10
what a shame

Fire Emblem: Three Houses (2019) - Switch
Blue Lions route
This game reminds me completely and totally of my favourite anime, Yu-Gi-Oh! GX. I absolutely loved GX's first two seasons, when it was all about chillin' out with the crew in the schoolyard; people call it "filler", but I say that "filler" is the heart and soul of GX. People like seasons three and four better, when the show got serious and dark and had an actual plot. I didn't. I just wanted a slice of life with card games and a joke dub.
When Fire Emblem: Three Houses was announced, people were upset, but I was excited. I was ready to start chillin' out with the crew in the schoolyard. Then word comes in that there's a timeskip partway through, and we end up with an actual serious plot. Everyone else got excited, but I was disappointed. I just wanted a slice of life with tactical RPG gameplay and a joke dub.

Like in Yu-Gi-Oh! GX, Fire Emblem: Three Houses has, uh, three houses: the red one, the yellow one, and the blue one. When the game was announced, Edelgard's design was the only one I liked, so I decided to go with the Black (but actually red) Eagles. Then I learned about what each house is actually about, and decided to go with the Blue Lions. I still hate Dimitri's hair but I'll get over it
Dimitri kind of reminds me of Jaden, since I'm already thinking of Yu-Gi-Oh! GX. He starts out as "friendly guy who loves the main premise", but then something happens and he turns into an edgelord when the tough times and hard climbs get to be too much for him.

Because this game is 80 hours long for just one route, I'm going to post a review of just the first route I did. If I go back to do another route later, and there's enough to talk about, I'll write a second review for that route.
If I put (BL) (BE) or (GD) next to a name, it means that person is from the corresponding house. I'll only do it when talking about content that requires you to recruit a unit to another house.

+ The new, completely different level-up/reclass system works REALLY well
+ The new mortal savant class is SICK
+ The adjutant system is really nice for training up low-level units without having to actually use them
+ You can recruit students from other houses, which I find kind of funny, since it short-staffs them for cross-house activities
+ Students have support conversations with members of other houses, so they don't end up being the odd man out
+ Hell, Dorothea (BE) and Ingrid (BL) had an entire paralogue for being in the same house, which even gave me a new legendary weapon
+ Every new month, every character in the monastery will have new dialogue referencing the last chapter or the current chapter
+ Post-timeskip, characters from other houses will comment on the current chapter while in the monastery, meaning each recruitable character has three different sets of monastery dialogue post-timeskip
+ I was worried that post-timeskip, they'd throw out the monastery/classes/etc. structure that makes this game unique, but I'm VERY glad they didn't
+ Post-timeskip, you can have your students train you in the monastery, making increasing Byleth's weapon ranks much easier
+ I like how some pairs can only go up to a B-rank support
+ Some supports actually require story progress so characters can talk about important events
+ Flayn's C support with Byleth ("I am roughly the same age as the other youths here" talking like it isn't obvious she's the 1,000+-year-old dragon)
+ Seteth is really well-done as a character; you're not supposed to like him at first, but when you are supposed to like him, and get into his supports, he ends up being really likable
+ Through supports, Sylvain ends up being a very good character; way more human than past FE "womaniser" characters
+ Felix is legitimately one of the best Fire Emblem characters
+ Felix and Bernadetta (BE)'s support is great
+ Sylvain and Bernadetta (BE)'s support is great
+ The English dub is surprisingly mostly good (especially the Blue Lions males, Claude, Raphael, Alois, Jeralt, "nothing to report" guy, Benadetta, Dorothea, and Shamir)
+ Gauntlet weapons are really cool (kind of OP though)
+ The emotional scene actually worked because they took into account the game mechanics (the not-Mila's Turnwheel)
+ The thing Bernadetta does in the monastery in January is absolutely perfect and genuinely touching
- The game would be 100% better if Sothis wasn't a character (Sothis is the Morgana of this game (annoying character who acts as the silent protagonist's "voice"), even down to the voice actress)
- Bernadetta's post-timeskip design is terrible
- Green units are still the scum of the earth
- FUCK GREEN UNITS
- Levels look like shit
- You can't pet the dogs
- Seminars are absolute shit since you can only do one a week; they should have increased the number you can attend with professor level like everything else (you can do individual training with professors in explore mode so what's the point)
- Master classes end up being really specific; they grant great stat boosts, but some characters simply won't be able to become one given their strengths and weaknesses (Catherine comes to mind)
- Ingrid is such a boring fucking character (and that post-timeskip design is just bad)
- Mercedes's voice actress is one of the few bad ones
- Cyril needs to get a fucking hobby


I'm really glad IS learned their lesson from Fates. It hardly even seems like the same series.
>Three Houses has a detailed map, holidays, month names, traditions, a religion, and more I'm probably forgetting about
>Fates's world doesn't even have a fucking name

>Three Houses has four different campaign routes, all included on the cartridge for the base price of $60 (standard for Switch games)
>Fates sold every route individually, $40 for the first route (standard for 3DS games), and $20 for each of the other two, for a total of $80
It's ridiculous how bad this game makes Fates look.

I'm also very happy that this game takes so much from Echoes. At first, I thought they were remaking Gaiden just because it was something to do, and it was next in line. But Three Houses takes so much from Echoes:
>Fully-voiced dialogue
>Bows being good, being able to counter-attack at close range, being able to fire long range
>Magic not being an item, but giving every character their own learn list for spells
>Combat arts
>3D exploration
>The level up system being straight upward; no resetting after promotion
>And, for that matter, making there no reason at all to avoid promoting ASAP
Echoes was such a good game, and I'm really glad to see some of its best parts return.

I'm really happy with the direction this game and Echoes seem to have taken the series.
9/10

also you get to choose a girl to marry at the end of the game and i chose Shamir


ranking every Fire Emblem game I've beaten:
very very good:
Three Houses (Blue Lions)
Path of Radiance
Awakening
Echoes
New Mystery of the Emblem

very good:
Shadow Dragon

good:
Sacred Stones

okay:
Fates - Conquest
Fates - Birthright
Blazing Sword

awful:
Fates - Revelation

Skate (2007) - Xbox 360
2007 was the year the final* Tony Hawk game came out. Unlike most, I really liked Proving Ground. (American Wasteland was the shitty one) Unfortunately, with the success of Guitar Hero, Activision decided the plastic peripheral approach was perfect for Tony Hawk.
2007 also saw the release of the first in EA's skateboarding series, Skate. At the time, I wasn't impressed with the idea. Tony Hawk was still alive and well, and when it died the next year, I was too busy mourning to want to jump to a different skating game. (also I thought the control scheme sounded awful)
It's been twelve years, and I am getting this massive urge to play a skateboarding game, but I don't want to replay a Tony Hawk game. I want to skate in new locations. I don't want to play THPS5, though, because I don't want to believe it exists. That thing is a work of pure evil.
So I've arrived here, finally. After watching some gameplay videos, I decided to grab a used copy off ebay. The good news is if I like it, I have two more of these games to play. The bad news is that EA is never going to make another one.
Luckily, Skate 1 squeaked into the final wave of backward compatibility for the Xbone, so I don't have to run the ethernet cable back to my 360 again. Shame about Skate 2, though

But really, can any game that chose Lounge Act for its Nirvana song really be anything other than spectacular?
(Tony Hawk's Proving Ground had Breed, though, which was sick)

+ GREAT intro cutscene
+ For every song they put in a remix version for, they also put in the original (how it should always be done)
+ GREAT soundtrack (Lounge Act, Give it to Me Baby, Surrender, Express Yourself, Green Onions, No Such Thing, Just Got Paid, Girl You Have No Faith in Medicine, EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN')
+ Nothing is cooler than coffining down a hill while EVERY DAY I'M HUSTLIN' plays in the background
+ Hitting a line after trying dozens of times feels GREAT
+ Being able to set a marker and teleport back to it is just the best addition
+ Death races are great
+ Photo challenges are great
+ Jam contests are great
+ The X-Games were sick
- "Follow Me" missions are absolute garbage
- Comboing into a manual is way too fucking hard
- Certain challenges lock out all of the others once you unlock them, until you beat it (god forbid I use the other challenges to get better at the game)
- High score videos are just annoying (the let's plays I skimmed to see them try it was just them spamming laser flips and manuals, which is not the point of the game)

sponsors i got:
Mystery board
Gold wheels
Circa shoes
Venture trucks

I liked this game A LOT when it was "do a cool trick across this gap" or "jump up to hit this sick grind". You know, skateboarding shit.
The problem comes when progression is gated behind arbitrary "high score!!!" videos, which force you to spam tricks in a way that looks silly. It's not fun, and it's antithetical to the rest of the game.
Honestly, a cue from Tony Hawk would actually help a lot here. The Tony Hawk games give you points for hitting certain gaps. Since this game is far more toned-down than Tony Hawk, gaps should give more points, and be the bread and butter of any given challenge. As in, attempting a challenge without a gap would be more difficult, and hitting a difficult gap would work for most of the requirement itself. You know, make it about actually skating.

8/10 though I had fun
Definitely not a game I would have enjoyed when it came out.

Skate 2 (2009) - Xbox 360
I'll be upfront: I'm really not into the concept of this one.
The city of Skate 1 was destroyed in a natural disaster, and a major corporation rebuilt it, and decided that every zone should be a no-skate zone. I already hated no-skate zones in Skate 1, so this is probably going to be one of those situations where everyone says one installment is far and away the best one, and I say it's the worst. I'm not trying to be a contrarian, everyone else just has shit taste

I have to call attention to the soundtrack. Skate 1's soundtrack was perfect, and I'm not just talking about the Nirvana song. Skate 2's soundtrack has a fucking DragonForce song. Who the fuck thought that would fit well in a skateboarding game?

+ Symptom of the Universe, though
+ They pretty much got rid of film challenges and kept all the good challenge types
+ I had a lot of fun with the Skateboard magazine, Thrasher, death race, and competition goal types, and completed all of those campaigns
+ Footplant tricks are sweet
- Off-board controls are so bad
- Moving props around sucks
- The developers clearly didn't want to design this challenge, so why should I?
- Props still have physics when you're not moving them, so you can knock them out of place and have to readjust again (WHAT FUCKING FUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
- "Follow me" missions are still fucking horrible and now there are way more of them than in Skate 1
- If you're following a guy and he gets hit by a car or whatever, he'll just teleport ahead like nothing ever happened and then you'll lose track of him and fail the mission
- WHY IS IT SO HARD TO MANUAL
- Yes, I love being chased around by security guys
- Yes, I love having to continuously call this guy to remove blockers from rails and ledges
- Once again, your fellow skaters are the scum of the earth
- In the GVR contest, everyone kept ramming into me and I couldn't do shit so winning didn't even feel good
- Once you beat the GVR contest, you're forced to choose a trucks sponsor RIGHT FUCKING THERE AND THEN (I DON'T FUCKING REMEMBER WHAT I'M USING)
- I always double checked the inventory of every brand in the category before choosing a sponsor, so catching me off guard and not even telling me what it is I'm currently using was FUCKING RETARDED
- The San Van Slam is fucking horrible
- The new version of the video challenges don't fucking tell you what you need to do until you start it, and quitting out forces a long autosave
- The demo in Rob Dyrdrek's mini-skate park fucking sucks because there is NOTHING to do tricks on

board sponsor: Creature
everything else who cares the game sure doesn't

They say that less is more, and Skate 2 definitely proves that more is less. Skate 1 was better in every single way. Skate 1 had better level design, soundtrack, customisation, interface, everything. I cannot think of a single meaningful thing Skate 2 did better.

6/10

Skate 3 (2010) - Xbox 360
Everyone says this is the worst Skate game, so, naturally, I'm going to love it, because they also say Skate 2 is the best one, and I hated* it. I mean, it couldn't be worse than Skate 2. An actual new city that just lets you skate wherever the fuck you want. I legitimately think this game will be better than Skate 2, but maybe not Skate 1.
*obvious hyperbole

+ The soundtrack is back to form (Bloodstains, Almost Ready, Dead End Friends, Debaser)
+ The off-board controls are ACTUALLY GOOD
+ The camera automatically switches to a much wider angle during death races so you can actually fucking see (you can also choose to use this camera angle at all times)
+ They added an easy mode and a hard mode (I stuck with medium)
+ Being able to customise and name new team members is sick
- The live action intro is the worst of the three
- There seems to be no way to see the name of the current song (which is why my soundtrack list was light)
- The opening few missions kind of suck
- "Harsher Barge" is simply a horrible competition in a horrible location
- Same for the T-Mobileᵀᴹ contest
- The stupid fucking hip transfer Thrasher photo requires you to learn an incredibly useless and difficult "skill", and holds the cover of the magazine hostage (fuck that)

My skate team:
Rick Scoop (myself)
Scooter Brown (the unpaid intern)
Tyrone DeSeanson (the token black guy)
Richter Nitro (the cool guy)
Rudy Rutherford (the average skate punk)

final comparisons, from most important to least:
city design: 1 > 2 >>> 3
raw gameplay/quality of life: 3 > 1 > 2
soundtrack: 1 >>> 3 >>> 2
objective design: 1 > 2 > 3
contest design: 2 > 1 > 3
death race course design: 1 > 2 > 3
interface: 1 >>> 3 > 2
customisation: 1 >>> 3 > 2
premise: 1 >>> 3 > 2
live action intro: 1 >>> 2 >>> 3

I guess Skate 2 was a bit better than 3, but not by much. Shame.
6/10

BioShock (2007) - Xbox 360
I got this game when it came out. I didn't really have a good concept of money, genre, or pretty much anything before age 16, so I always was just like "oh wow" when games got good reviews from magazines.
BioShock is an extremely highly-rated game that's always seemed interesting to me because you can basically just play as The Pain and shoot bees at people. I've always liked the "battlemage" character type, so playing as one in a game with guns still sounds sweet.
I am going to give this game another shot now that I'm 26, rather than 14. I've had relatively good luck trying this sort of thing before with Castlevania: Lament of Innocence, so I'm hopeful.

This game is not difficult in the slightest. Yes, I died a lot. The problem is that there is absolutely zero penalty for dying, aside from wasted time. Even enemies will have the same health when you return as they did when you died. The cover monster, the large paternal figure, poses zero threat when you have an unlimited amount of lives to unload all of your ammo into him, then whack him with the wrench if that fails.

+ The "cycle weapons" button skips weapons that are out of ammo
+ Just running up and hitting people with the wrench is legitimately fun
+ Fort Frolic was the best part of the game
- The game cuts the lights far too often early on
- Security alarms are more annoying than anything else
- The scenes where ghosts or whatever appear are also annoying
- The escort mission at the end
- Plasmids seemed to be mostly useless
- The final boss is pathetically easy
- The little girls steal the final boss kill from you
- The "bad" ending is just that - bad (incredibly abrupt too)

I played this game because I wanted to be a gun wizard, but I instead ended up just beating people up with a wrench
Also I killed all the little sisters because

7/10 it's good

Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor (2014) - Xbone
I previously reviewed this one for the 360, but that version of the game has some problems. Here's my review of the 360 version:

Spoiler:

Apparently, a lot of my problems were due to a bad backport job. So here we are, playing this game again on a current-generation system. I also got the Game of the Year edition, so I've got all the DLC.
The main reason I'm doing this NOW as opposed to later is that there is a sequel to this game coming out in August, called Middle-earth: Shadow of War. It looks really cool, but I wanted to give this game a second shot on a system that can actually play the damn game.
UPDATE: In the months and months since I bought the game, the sequel has come out. Dear god, why? Why did they have to have paid loot crates? Why did they have to lock the final act of a single-player campaign behind loot crates? Who the fuck decided that was all right?

+ It actually runs smoothly
+ The idea of "building your weapons' legend" through side missions is pretty cool
+ The nemesis system is REALLY COOL SHIT
+ Being able to brand warchiefs is sick
+ Hits the sweet spot in terms of collectibles; not too many, but enough to make it worth putting them in I guess
+ Torvin is a good character
+ The core gameplay does everything it tries really well
- The gameplay does absolutely nothing new (Arkham Asylum-ass combat, Ubisoft-ass open world)
- Gollum really didn't need to be in this game
- The very beginning is the worst part of the game (deserter ranger and Gollum's missions)
- QUICKTIME EVENT FINAL BOSS

Game crashes:
1. Booting the game back up after going to bed and sleeping a while (at least thrice)

I'd like to address one of my points from the original review:
- But some of them are, like, completely invincible for some reason?
Referring to some captains. The idea with these is that you have to exploit their fears in order to nullify their immunities. It's actually kind of cool.

7.5/10

I'll review the DLCs if I've got anything to say.

Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor - Lord of the Hunt (2014) - Xbone
$10 for this is a rip-off. I'm glad I have the GOTY edition.

+ Stealth caragors are nice
+ BLAZING STEED
+ Final boss isn't a QTE
- Poison graugs suck
- The mission where you have to just survive for three minutes sucks
- Ending is anti-climactic

Basically, all this does is add two new mounts and the ability to dominate ghuls, with missions centring around these additions. It all should have just been saved for the sequel.

5.5/10

Middle-earth: Shadow of Mordor - The Bright Lord (2015) - Xbone

+ Final fight is actually pretty cool
- No ability to slow down time when aiming bow
- The "chase the messengers" side mission is fucking awful
- Objectives are kind of tedious

big "meh"
4/10

don't bother unless you have GOTY edition

Pokémon Ultra Sun (2017) - 3DS
After playing this through PERFECTLY LEGAL means, here are my thoughts:
It's probably better than Moon. I like the ultra recon squad, but there's really not much difference between the originals and this version.
I wish you got Poipole at a higher level, because it comes in underleveled and never reaches its potential by the time the game is over.

This game has some bullshit difficulty. The fight against Necrozma requires cheesy TM06 (toxic) strategies. He could OHKO every single member of my team, and outsped everyone.
On the other hand, the elite four and not-champion were easy.
Episode RR existed. Giovanni was actually a difficult fight,and I had to bust out Necrozma to beat his Mega Mewtwo X. I also had trouble with Archie's Kyogre.
All in all, this game exists.

team before episode RR:
https://i.ibb.co/zHNJyyW/usum-team.png

Forza Horizon 4: Fortune Island (2018) - Xbone
The first of two expansions for Forza Horizon 4. I got this one on sale bundled with the other one and like 100 cars
These expansions are way too expensive for what you get, so waiting for the sale is a necessity.
Fortune Island reminds me of Storm Island from Horizon 2, but with treasure hunting. Seeing as Storm Island was better than either of Horizon 3's expansions, I'm willing to give it a shot.

+ They give you a shitload of in-game money in this expansion, which is nice (I finally bought that castle)
+ Treasure hunts are fun
+ The final treasure hunt is the most fun I've had with a game since the Pirates of the Caribbean level of KH3 back in January
+ The new races are fun
+ This expansion has the best danger signs in the series
+ The Leviathan finale race was a 10/10
- I wish there were more fast travel points on the map (climbing the hills over and over can get annoying)

Two points:
1: I've never had more FUN in a racing game than trying to get that last treasure chest.
2: I've never felt more SATISFACTION in a racing game than finally winning the Leviathan after like fifty attempts and choking right at the end twice. (the first fifty attempts were in my Ford Bronco, which all went terribly except for one that I CHOKED HARD at the end, then I tuned up an offroad Ford Falcon and won on my second try after CHOKING HARD AGAIN at the end on the first)

So, basically, this expansion is my favourite racing game that doesn't have Crash Bandicoot in it.
10/10

Forza Horizon 4: LEGO Speed Champions (2019) - Xbone
The second of two expansions for Forza Horizon 4. The unironic highlight of E3 2019.
Horizon 3 had a Hot Wheels-themed expansion that was complete and utter shit. I have much higher hopes for this one, because you're not confined to the stupid orange tracks. I imagine it will be "just Horizon 4 with some LEGO shit thrown in".

+ EVERYTHING IS AWESOME
+ There is a radio station that literally just plays Everything is Awesome 24/7
+ Legitimately the most fun I've had with stunt jumps, speed traps, speed zones, and drift zones in the entire series
+ All the new racetracks are pretty fun
+ Driving around the LEGO Ferrari is sick
- You don't get to actually build your house or any of the cars
- There are only four new cars here (and I wish they weren't all S class)
- I wish more of the environment was actually made of LEGO
- The city in the middle of the map kind of sucks
- Unlike Fortune Island's trailblazer events, the LEGO ones are TERRIBLE
- As always, the "Horizon Story" thing is awful
- There's a new collectible that can only be acquired at night; Forza Horizon 4 night lasts ten minutes, and is followed by AN HOUR-AND-A-HALF OF DAYTIME
- Another new collectible can only be acquired in the rain; it's a fact of life that it will never rain when you want it to, only on trash night so the recycling bin fills with water because the stupid fucking garbage men can't put the lid back on
- The Finale is only unlocked after doing all the pointless busywork across the entire expansion ("smash 500 of these cubes bro")

It's not as well-executed as Fortune Island, but there's a lot of fun to be had here if you're not tired of Horizon 4 yet.
8/10 it's more of the same but it's a good same

REVISITED: Jade Empire (2005) - Xbox
I have long held that Jade Empire is the best game BioWare ever put out. I've also called it one of the four 10/10 WRPGs, along with The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, The Witcher III: Wild Hunt, and Fallout: New Vegas. The holy quaternity of WRPGs, if you will. (I had to google what a trinity would be called if there were four things instead of three)
I am playing this game on the Xbone this time, after having only played it on the 360. When I played SSX 3 on the Xbone, the load times were completely eliminated, so I'm optimistic about this replay. The ridiculous load times were by far the worst part of this game.

Every other one of my playthroughs, I played as Wu the Lotus Blossom. This time, I will be be playing as FURIOUS MING

+ It's peak WRPG to just run around Tien's Landing and the Imperial City doing side quests
+ You aren't limited to the binary moral option of "kill trickster fox or cannibal demon!!!"; you can kill BOTH (the optimal outcome)
+ The plot twist is basically just Kung Pow: Enter the Fist ("we have purposely trained him wrong, as a joke")
+ The voice cast is basically an MGS1 cast reunion (Paul Eiding, Kim Mae Guest, Cam Clarke, and even Robin Atkin Downes, who would later play Miller in PW and MGS5)
+ John Cleese is absolutely perfect as Sir Roderick Ponce von Fontlebottom the Magnificent Bastard
+ The Sir Roderick Ponce von Fontlebottom the Magnificent Bastard side quest is the best side quest in the history of WRPGs
- Combat kind of sucks due to how slow your character is
- The morality system tries to be more than just "good/evil", but tends to devolve into that at times
- You get a choice early on between a sword and a bo staff but the staff is just so inferior which is a shame
- What is wrong with Zu's arms
- Wild Flower can just fuck off
- The Water Dragon spends more time being stuck-up and talking in riddles because she is "too weak" than it would take to give a straight fucking answer

I did this replay like two years ago and just never bothered finishing the main plot. It's basically your standard WRPG in that I have no desire to do the main plot.
Tien's Landing and the Imperial City are fun replays, and I'm glad I played the game again. I'm just going to get this out of my word document.
It's not a 10/10, but it's as close as you're going to get.
9.5/10

Steep (2016) - Xbone
Steep is a shitty game. It was so, so close to being good. But Ubisoft hates the idea of making a "videogame" and hates the idea of people having "fun". There is nothing wrong with the controls, let's put that out there. The game controls just fine.
The main problem with Steep is in its "g-force" system. When you launch off a big jump, even if you land perfectly, your g-force meter decreases. If this meter hits zero, your character will faceplant into the snow. Ubisoft doesn't want you to have fun. You've got to either baby hop the jumps, or rest after every jump. It's absolutely ridiculous that they'd include freestyle trick competitions and punish you for trying to do tricks.
Faceplanting wouldn't be so bad if the game didn't leave you tumbling down the fucking mountain for ten minutes every time. If you fall down, there's nothing you can do until your character comes to a stop. I don't care if you want to tell me it's "realistic", this is a VIDEOGAME.
The game also loves to cancel whatever event you're doing for dumbass reasons. Paused the game? Event cancelled. Stopped in place? Event cancelled. Spent "too much time" going the "wrong way"? Event cancelled.

The map screen is fucking awful. I hated Skyrim's map when that game came out, but Steep's map makes Skyrim's look amazing in comparison. I've always hated looking down on the actual world rather than a map, but Steep takes it to a new level. The camera is way too zoomed in, and events only appear when your cursor is in the same zone as them. The cursor also snaps to events from way too far away. If two events are too close to eachother, good luck getting your cursor off the one you don't want it to be on.
Also, regular menus are fucking terrible. Instead of being like every other console game ever, Steep's menus are just PC menus, but the mouse cursor is controlled by the analog stick. It's absolutely disgusting.

Steep is a shitty fucking game that could be turned into a good game with a single patch. The flaws are incredibly easy to fix, but Ubisoft won't do that. Instead, I now own a fun frisbee.
Fuck you.
2/10



original attempt at a review:
I love the SSX series. And I get it, Steep is nothing like SSX. But I've been wanting a new snowboarding game since the SSX "sequel with no number or subtitle" in 2012. For less than $10, I got the Winter Games Edition of Steep, which includes the expansion. I'm willing to give it a try for that price.
Steep features not just snowboards, but also skis and wingsuits.

+ I loved how the very first thing I did was jump backwards on the wingsuit challenge and ate shit on the wooden platform
+ After completing an event, there is a pop-up that allows you to just go to another event without any hassle
- Which is good because the map/fast travel system in this game FUCKING SUCKS
- SIGN UP FOR UBISOFT CLUB SO YOU TOO CAN PLAY OUR GAME
- DON'T WANT TO SIGN UP FOR UBISOFT CLUB?! WELL THEN FUCK OFF AND THANKS FOR THE MONEY RETARD
- Whoever designed that "trick safety" feature needs to be removed from the industry (we play the game for you!!!)
- Whoever designed the MENUS in this game needs to just fucking die already (imagine every menu is the Smash Bros character select screen!!!)
- The stupid fucking "g-force" mechanic needs to fuck off and die (the "you're having too much fun" mechanic)
- GEE I FUCKING LOVE TUMBLING DOWN THE MOUNTAIN FOR TEN MINUTES