2014 is done. Happy New Year. This year, I'm doing something a little different. Instead of writing about all the games I played throughout the year in December, I'll be writing about them as I play them.
A PREVIEW OF THINGS TO COME:
Assassin's Creed: Rogue
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas HD
Hyrule Warriors
Kingdom Hearts 2.5 HD Remix
LEGO Batman 3: Beyond Gotham
Mario Kart 8
Metal Gear Solid V: Ground Zeroes
Middle Earth: Shadow of Mordor
Miles Edgeworth: Ace Attorney Investigations 2 [fan translation]
Professor Layton vs. Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney
Super Smash Bros. Kerfuffle
The Amazing Spider-Man 2
The Wolf Among Us
Watch_Dogs
Metal Gear Solid V: Ground ZeroesThe newest installment of the Metal Gear series, six years after MGS4. The game takes place a year or so after Peace Walker, and stars Big Boss, as protrayed by Kiefer Sutherland.
Let me explain the plot of Peace Walker, then the plot of Ground Zeroes, for a comparison.
PW: Strangelove made a robot that was The Boss, and Coldman wanted to use it to nuke the world. Then Zadornov killed Coldman and wanted to use it to nuke the world. Then Snake locked up Zadornov, but Zadornov kept escaping. After his final escape, Zadornov was killed, and Paz used a giant salmon-coloured robot to try and kill Snake. Snake defeats the giant salmon-coloured robot, and raises Mother Base to be the greatest fighting force.
GZ: Skullface kidnapped Paz and Chico. He made Chico rape Paz or something, then planted two bombs inside Paz. Snake rescued both Chico and Paz, and removed one of the bombs from Paz by opening her up without anesthetic and tearing it out. Then Mother Base is blown up, and Paz blows up, too, as a joke. Snake and Kaz are caught in the blast. The end. Here's to you or whatever.
+ Best gameplay of the series
+ Fun side missions
+ The sheer satisfaction of getting an S rank is always nice
+ Graphically impressive
+ Deja Vu mission is the best thing ever
+ Sweet reversible cover art
- No cardboard box
- Kiefer Sutherland just... isn't Snake
- The fall of Mother Base isn't even gameplay
- Look at all these install-ass times
- Tonally retarded
- No Way to Fall
- Can only use MGS1 Snake skin in one mission
- Raiden isn't voiced
- Raiden's gameplay is the exact same as Snake's, despite being in his Revengeance body
- No Rules of Nature
- Shorter than this review
KOJIMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA/10
Mario Kart 8The eighth Mario Kart. There's really not much else to say.
+ Perfects the gameplay
+ Anti-gravity is super-cool
+ Absolutely beautiful
+ I'm serious; it may be the best-looking game I've ever played
+ MKTV allows you to upload videos to YouTube directly from your Wii U
+ The new courses are very good; not a bad one in the bunch (I don't particularly care for Dolphin Shoals, though)
+ Great music as always
+ I got a free digital copy of Wind Waker HD for registering the game on Club Nintendo
+ One of the karts is a giant fucking shoe
+ Mercedes DLC is amazing
+ WALUIGI YEAH YEAH YEAH
- Despite Waluigi's triumphant return, the rest of the character roster is a bit horrible
- Fuck all those babies
- Fuck Pink Gold Peach
- Where's Diddy and Dry Bones? Where's Wiggler? Where's Goddamn Bowser Jr.?
- Rainbow Road is kind of underwhelming
- N64 Rainbow Road was FUCKING BUTCHERED
- GRUMBLE VOLCANO IS THE WORST COURSE IN THE FUCKING SERIES; WHY IS IT BACK
- Some of the best "retro" courses to show off the anti-gravity shit were wasted on MK7 (Waluigi Pinball, Koopa Cape, Maple Treeway)
- The new items are mostly useless (especially that fucking boomerang)
- The coin item is fucking bullshit
- Blooper is still useless and annoying at best
- The star has been nerfed to uselessness
- You only ever get mushrooms in last place, meaning you can never catch back up
- Lightweight characters' advantages do nothing to remedy the fact that their disadvantages make them unable to win ever
- Looks horrid in screenshots
- Having the minimap and the race positions on the gamepad is annoying (minimap was fixed in a patch)
- Same age-old Mario Kart AI bullshit
8/10
Miles Edgeworth: Ace Attorney Investigations 2Last year, I rated Dual Destinies FAR too highly. The "new game" effect hadn't worn off, and I didn't realise any of its flaws. Luckily, I've had time to digest this game properly.
In 2011, Capcom released Gyakuten Kenji 2 in Japan. This was at the very end of the DS's life cycle, and Capcom didn't bother to localise a game they thought would get overlooked and pirated.
Three years later, we finally get to play it thanks to some guys. Thanks, guys.
On the translation:+ Captures the spirit of the official localisations pretty well
+ In addition to the text, the character sprites and backgrounds are edited extremely well
- THE MEMES JACK
- Some characters, like Detective Badd, are translated incorrectly (his speech patterns are wrong)
- A few lines that are supposed to be thought by Edgeworth are actually said by him
- Some of the jokes fall flat; not sure if that's their fault or the original writers', though
- Contradiction between what is said and what happened arises because of the use of an English idiom; impossible to point out
On the game:+ Returning characters are done justice, mostly
+ Gumshoe's character arc is completed in a very satisfying way
+ Fuck, you even get to play as Gumshoe for a bit
+ The two worst characters are redeemed at the end
- They're absolutely insufferable until then
- "Instead of investigating the crime scene and doing our jobs, let's just arrest this person and fire anyone who suggests otherwise"
- The moral ambiguity of the Mastermind's actions is completely removed when he's revealed to actually have killed someone, dulling the impact a lot
- The third case's constant flashing back and forward is kind of annoying and makes it a lot harder to understand what's going on
- Kay is an absolutely useless character, and her "GREAT THIEF" shtick had already gotten old in AAI1
- She even has the chance to get some character development, but NOPE GREAT THIEF TIME
- SHE NEVER EVEN GAVE UNCLE RAY A HUG
- WHAT A BITCH
- Cases tend to drag on and on and fucking on
- AND ON AND ON AND ON
- Overrated (the more people falsely say something is the best, the more I start to hate it)
- Needed more Gumshoe
0/10
No, seriously.
A fucking zero.
Every case dragged on fucking forever, the new characters did nothing but annoy the shit out of me, and I can honestly say that there was no part of this game where I was playing it for any other reason than to have played it.
Fuck this game and everyone who likes it.
Professor Layton vs. Phoenix Wright: Ace AttorneyMy biggest question:
WHY WAS THERE A FIVE-MONTH DELAY BETWEEN THE EUROPEAN AND AMERICAN RELEASES
IT'S NOT LIKE THEY CHANGED THE EUROPEAN SPELLINGS OR LUKE'S VOICE LIKE THEY ALWAYS DO
IT'S FUCKING BULLSHIT IS WHAT IT IS
Last year's Dual Destinies was the first mainline AA title not at least co-written by series creator Shu Takumi. Despite what I said after playing, it's shit. It's easily the worst in the series, and did nothing that the game needed to do after the fanbase-splitter that was Apollo Justice. But fuck all that.
This game was written by Shu Takumi, and stars our hero Phoenix Wright (the one and only Ace Attorney), and his sidekick Maya Fey. Also, Professor Layton and his apprentice Luke make appearances. They're not important.
Phoenix half:+ Phoenix is written just as he should be, immediately following three games of high-profile cases
+ Maya is finally back (and about time, too)
+ The characters actually holding the evidence is great
+ Flynch is the best substitute for Payne they could have ever made (and his existence actually makes sense, unlike Gaspen's)
+ The second tutorial case in the series where the culprit isn't obvious as shit from the outset (the first being 4-1, the first case of Apollo Justice)
+ Hell, I wasn't sure who the second case's culprit was until just before I had to say who it was
+ Voice acting is actually well-done
+ Phoenix's new voice actor is much better than Sam Reigel
+ Maya's voice actress is so much better than the usual "translated from Japanese!" voice actresses
+ "But I'm just a simple bread-making baker... living a simple bread-making life..." - Phoenix Wright, 2014
+ Group cross-examinations are very well-done
+ Witness group huddles are amazing
+ New witnesses appear from the gallery before appearing at the stand
+ There's a Goddamn Toy Story reference
+ You get to cross-examine a parrot
+ Uh, again
+ Emeer is more omnipresent than fucking Larry
+ Luke and Espella spinning the Layton statue to do the dual-point with Phoenix was fucking BRILLIANT
+ PHOENIX IS PACING BEHIND THE DEFENSE BENCH
+ GAME OF THE YEAR
+ "Ugh, that girl! She's gone and Dzibilchaltunchunchucmilled herself!"
+ Layton's "take that" being replaced by a polite "have a look" was a nice touch
+ And the dialogue when you present the wrong piece of evidence as Layton is some of the best in the entire series
+ English Court versions of the first game's music are amazing
- Annoying horns in the game's new Pursuit theme (it's called Pursuit/Casting Magic, if you're interested)
- Dzibilchaltunchunchucmil has that stupid bead of snot coming out of his nose
- Phoenix doesn't have his confident as shit hands on hips pose
- Can't present your lawyer's badge
- Seriously
- You CAN'T present your lawyer's badge
- WHAT KIND OF BULLSHIT EVEN IS THAT
Layton half:+ Well, it's a Layton game
+ I mean, shit
+ "OUR BAKERY USES ONLY THE FINEST INGREDIENTS" - Phoenix Wright, 2014
+ Phoenix using his desk slam animation to knead the dough was BRILLIANT
+ Phoenix and Maya's puzzle-solving voice clips are great
+ And Phoenix's voice clips when he gets a puzzle wrong are even better ("I'M NOT GUILTY")
+ Golden curse twist was legitimately well-done
+ Puzzles rarely rely on "Layton logic" (by which I mean "utter bullshit")
- Luke's voice can be annoying at times (mostly when he says "gentleman-in-training", but that whole phrase is annoying)
- The whole Picarat system is still flawed as shit (even moreso, since you get a bonus for not having penalties in Phoenix's sections)
- There are still sliding block puzzles
- Seriously
- FUCK sliding block puzzles
- More like "SUCK MY COCK PUZZLES"
The actual story:+ The first three cases and the story surrounding them are absolutely great
- The final trial is 100% the worst in the series
- Worse than LET'S WATCH THE VIDEO AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN
- The entire ending trial is so stupid and full of huge leaps in "logic" (if you can even fucking CALL IT THAT) that I had to use a walkthrough
- It's not me being stupid, it's the game forcing bullshit conclusions on you
- Espella is a stupid fucking bitch
- A STUPID
- FUCKING
- BITCH
- It's fucking one crisis after another with that stupid fucking bitch
- If I hear her scream "NOOOOOOOOOO" one more time, I will snap my 3DS in half
- Great Witch Bezella?! I'm pretty sure they meant "Stupid Bitch Espella"
- "Magic isn't real; the whole thing was an experiment" "FUCK YOU MAGIC IS TOTALLY REAL" "No it isn'-" "FUCK YOU YOU NEVER BELIEVE ANYTHING I SAY"
- FUCKING HELL
- "You can't draw a dragon that detailed unless you actually saw one!!!" FUCK YOU PHOENIX THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE SENSE
- HOLY SHIT THIS GUY SAW A REAL DRAGON ONCE
- HOW CAN YOU NOT TELL THAT THAT'S A PICTURE OF DARKLAW AS A KID
- IT LOOKS EXACTLY FUCKING LIKE HER
- AND YOU JUST SAW HER FIVE MINUTES AGO
- AND SHE SAID THAT PENDANT WAS HERS
- FUCK YOU
- "What are you basing this preposterous claim on?!" MAYBE THE FACT THAT THEY LOOK FUCKING IDENTICAL
- AND THE FACT THAT ONLY TWO OF THOSE PENDANTS EXIST, AND IF ONE GIRL IS ESPELLA, THE OTHER HAS TO BE THE OWNER OF THE OTHER PENDANT
- WHICH
- IS
- FUCKING
- DARKLAW
- THIS MAKES ZERO SENSE
- And what do you know! The entire calamity was cased by Espella being a stupid fucking bitch!
- "Don't ring the bell, please" "NO I WANT TO RING THE BELL" "If you ring the bell you'll uh get posessed by a witch" "FUCK YOU I DO WHAT I WANT"
- Espella KILLED literally DOZENS of innocent people
- Then when her father says the witch thing was made up? SHE DOESN'T BELIEVE HIM
- OH HO HO WHAT A GREAT STORY
- FUCK YOU
- Okay so it wasn't really her that rung the bell
- But she was still the direct cause and is still a stupid fucking bitch
- EVEN MORESO BECAUSE THE "TRAUMATIC THING SHE DID" WASN'T DONE BY HER AT ALL
- And that undermines the whole fucking thing, moreso than "Athena didn't kill her mother!"
- They should have let Espella kill herself
- HOLY SHIT THE CHARACTER NAMED "DARKLAW" IS THE REAL BAD GUY
- HOW DID I NOT SEE THIS COMING
- "I have an incurable disease OW8 NEVERMIND THERE IS A CURE" (I'm not exaggerating, the point is brought up and dismissed THAT quickly)
- The entire ending section undermines the whole game and makes it make no sense
- How did Phoenix, Maya, Layton, and Luke end up in Labyrinthia?
- How did the statues in London move and throw a car into a tree?
- How did the witch fly and shit in London?
- If it was the machinery, how did they convince the people of London that they couldn't see pure black, and erect all that machinery that quickly?
- The game would have been MUCH better if magic were real
- Or even if the game ended after "oh it was just a government experiment"
In spite of the story, this game is exactly what both series needed. The oftentimes repetitive Layton gameplay is broken up by Phoenix's court segments, and those court segments are much more interesting with the new mechanics (group cross-examinations being the biggest one). Not to mention the fact that the characters actually interact with evidence, rather than just having the standard pre-canned animations. It worked great when it was 2D sprites, but if you're going to go 3D, you've got to bring it, and not just recreate the 2D in 3D. Shame about the retarded-ass ending and retarded-ass Espella.
The chemistry between any combination of the main four characters is just perfect. Phoenix and Layton end up as a great duo that compliment eachother's strengths and weaknesses. Maya and Luke are just fun together. Phoenix and Luke support eachother very well when both have lost the person most important to them. Maya and Layton go well together, with wacky-ass Maya and gentleman-ass Layton being polar opposites that actually work.
tl;dr: Layton vs. Phoenix 2 (featuring Luke and Maya), using DD's graphics engine, written and directed by Takumi (without bullshit Layton-ass plot twists), and using all the new gameplay and evidence-interaction of this game, and with Phoenix-style investigations when you get to a crime scene, plus the ability to PRESENT YOUR FUCKING LAWYER'S BADGE
I can't give this a number rating/10
for me:
Layton-1: High Tier
Layton-2: High Tier
Layton-3: High Tier
Layton-4: DARK AGE OF THE LAW Tier
The Wolf Among UsTelltale's episodic quicktime event simulator came out in full this year despite having started in 2013. With the new timeframe of these, I'll be writing about the episodes individually. For convenience, I'll port over my review of the first episode, too, with slight edits to make it more "current". It's worth mentioning that this is the first Telltale game I've played as it was happening, rather than after all the episodes were released.
Episode One - FaithAfter 2012's The Walking Dead, Telltale Games were thrust into the limelight. This allowed them to expand their studios, and, in addition to a sequel to The Walking Dead, they were able to start The Wolf Among Us (and twenty other games). It is also based on a series of comics I never read.
Named after the George Michael classic, episode one released in October of 2013 to positive reviews. Shame it took four months for the second episode to come out.
+ The art style from The Walking Dead returns, and looks better than ever (and actually fits better in a fairy tale-based game than a zombies game)
+ The game's presentation is really well-done
+ Interesting characters and plot
+ Voice acting is very good
+ Bigby is a likable protagonist
+ Hell, none of the characters are bad
+ Handles the mostly serious tone well without it being overbearing like The Walking Dead
+ Not as much of a fucking downer as The Walking Dead
+ I'm a sucker for investigations and interrogations
- A bit too much hand-holding in investigations; the game shows you the thing you're supposed to make a mental connection to
- Action sequences are still just quicktime events
- "Toad will remember that" gave me flashbacks to disappointments past
- The character models sometimes look kind of strange (mostly the eyes)
- GODDAMMIT WHY DID YOU WHAT THE FUCK TELLTALE THAT'S WHAT
- Ending is such a perfect "BUY EPISODE TWO" hook
8.5/10
Episode Two - Smoke and MirrorsAfter an impressive four-month wait for the second episode of what was supposed to be a monthly series, Telltale finally graced us with the second episode. As if that wasn't enough, the game didn't recognise the season pass on launch day, and prompted everyone to buy the episode again. The waiting game has never been more fun. But, really, the wait is worth it for all the rectalwreckage on the Telltale forums. They eventually just gave all season pass owners a free download code for the game.
Rumour has it that they panicked because the internet figured out the killer early, and had to rewrite the entire script. Common sense tells us that this is what happens when your small studio takes on fucking four games at once. Telltale has promised more expedient updates in the future, but we'll see how that goes.
+ Interrogation has different options (violent + nonviolent) and lead to the same end with different dialogue
+ They actually managed to surprise me with the twists
+ Deepens the mystery without it becoming 2deep4me
- Seems a bit short and uneventful, even if you do find out a lot of shit
- Intro slideshow takes too long to load, is laggy, and has odd choices of what to highlight
- "NEXT TIME ON THE WOLF AMONG US" actually answered one of the questions I was most eager to find the answer to in episode three
- Ending is such a perfect "BUY EPISODE THREE" hook
7.5/10
Episode Three - A Crooked MileAfter another two-month wait, we're back. It's sort of on time this time, so hey.
+ Gren won't remember this
+ Having a bunch of places to go to choose from was neat, if inconsequential
- Short
- Bigby just fucking stares at Snow-ass White while Bloody Mary is just standing there with her fucking GUN
- Snow-ass White is getting more and more unlikable
- Ending is such a perfect "BUY EPISODE FOUR" hook
7/10
Episode Four - In Sheep's ClothingThis episode also came out on time, but I'm playing it in October. I just couldn't be bothered until now.
+ TINY TIM
+ It actually feels like you're getting shit done this time
+ Decent length, too
+ Snow-ass White somehow stopped her downward spiral into being unlikable
+ More cigarette-related choices than ever before
- Ending is such a perfect "BUY EPISODE FIVE" hook
8/10
Episode Five - Cry WolfI played this one the day after I finished the fourth. I'm pumped. The entire game's score rides on this, the finale.
+ Ending leaves an odd taste in your mouth without being overbearing or frustrating
+ The plot comes together in a way that works without leaving any glaring inconsistencies (especially impressive if they rewrote the entire plot)
+ You finally get to give that bitch Bloody Mary what's coming to her
- No matter what you do, you can't stop whatsherface from killing herself
- No matter what you do, Toad always has to go away (I really liked the guy)
- Intro slideshow has a few flaws and inconsistences (Bigby's bandages, Snow-ass White's shirt)
- Ending is such a perfect "dear God I hope there's a sequel" hook
8.5/10
overallThe new Telltale Games standard of "quicktime events + choices that don't really matter" works FAR better in this game than in The Walking Dead. In this game, the overall plot can't change. The culprit will always be the same. Not having to make false decisions about who lives and dies makes the game much more suited to multiple playthroughs.
If you're not going to make another Sam and Max or Monkey Island, I'd like more of this.
8.5/10
Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas HDOut of nowhere, Rockstar announced an HD remaster of San Andreas for the game's tenth anniversary. Seeing as the PS2 version is the best game, I snatched this one up right away.
That was a mistake.
+ Cheap
+ Autosave somehow
+ Forklift controls improved
+ CJ isn't in complete darkness when he tries on clothes any more
+ Cool new interface for vehicle schools
+ Achievements don't require you to get all gold medals in flight school
- Or driving school (can't show off my skills!!!)
- I couldn't anyway, since THEY MADE IT EASIER
- A port of the iOS version
- Driving School gives "clockwise" and "counter-clockwise" mixed up
- Damaged car parts sometimes turn a completely different colour (Super GTs turn blue; Sabres turn red)
- I loaded up the game, and no matter what vehicle I got into, it would not move no matter how long I held down the gas
- I loaded up the game, and CJ started firing off his pistol, and no matter what button I pressed, he wouldn't stop
- I saved my game, and CJ wouldn't move at all and the HUD didn't appear
- No grass
- Sound is fucked up; car engine and siren noises are WAY TOO LOUD
- Sound completely cuts out sometimes during cutscenes
- MUSIC SKIPPING
- Like, a song starts and then it skips to the next song
- This is UNACCEPTABLE DOG
- Several songs cut from the soundtrack
- No Runnin' Down a Dream
- No Hellraiser
- No Express Yourself
- No Funky President
- No Killing in the Name of Love
- No You Dropped a Bomb on Me
+ No Woman to Woman
- They cut out the intro
- In Life's a Beach, the scrolling bit with the buttons you need to press to dance can just disappear, meaning you need to restart the mission
- The mission Homecoming made the game freeze twice
- Los Desperados has a fucking SHITLOAD of issues with gang recruitment and the AI following CJ
- The iOS version menus are weird and inefficient for a controller
- Pedaling a bike might as well be impossible
- Ability to target people in vehicles means you always target their vehicles over people trying to kill you
- No way to manually aim when anything than can be targeted is nearby (basically can't manually aim ever)
- The jetpack controls like complete ass
- Can't tow vehicles with tractor, making some everything-proof vehicles unobtainable
- Game will automatically make CJ climb a wall if you run into it
- The "go back in menus" button is fucking Y (fucking why)
- Fire doesn't show up sometimes
- Looks strange without the yellow daylight filter
help/10
Super Smash Bros. KerfuffleThe fourth game in the series. You probably already know everything about it.
General:
+ Many characters feel better than they've ever felt (Link being the main example)
+ Omega versions of stages are Godsends
+ Classic voice clips like "I fight for my friends", "show me your moves", and "僕は負ける訳には行かないんだ。" still intact
- Sanic no longer says "you're too slow" or "come on step it up"
- That's bullshit, by the way
- Pointless clones (Lucina, Dark Pit, Dr. Mario)
- Lucina is in the game
- And holy shit she is a fucking BITCH
- Who even WROTE those win quotes HOLY SHIT
- Mega Man is fucking useless
- Ganondorf is still a clone of Captain Falcon
- Finding custom moves is horrible, since you usually end up getting either a move you already have or some bullshit equipment piece
- Can't use custom moves online
- They cut a bunch of great, unique characters who are actually important to their series, yet Jigglypuff came back
- WHERE THE FUCK IS LUCAS
- WHERE THE FUCK IS SNAKE
- SNAKE?!
- SNAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKE
3DS:
+ Doesn't control as horribly as you think it will
+ Smash Run is pretty neat
- Smash Run has too many Kid Icarus enemies, and they're all horrible
- Most of the new stages are absolute shit, ESPECIALLY Balloon Fight
- Stages that would otherwise be decent ruined by Godawful stage hazards, i.e. Magicant, Wily's Castle, Spirit Train
- Brinstar AGAIN
- Corneria AGAIN
Wii U:
+ The new progression for event matches is actually really cool
+ New stages are mostly great
+ Great classic stage selection, for the most part
+ All-star mode running in reverse-chronological order is a lot cooler, really
+ The Great Cave Offensive is both the best
- and the worst stage in the series
- MORE METROID STAGES WITH RISING LAVA
- Amiibo functionality is a novelty at best
- Palutena's Guidance may replace the codecs in reality, but they are no replacement to me
- Have to reunlock all the characters if you had the 3DS version
- Have to import your custom characters individually rather than as a bundle
- Importing custom characters does NOT unlock the custom moves
- Imported custom characters can NOT be edited
- Smash Tour is BAD
- It's bullshit, but not in an "OH MY GOD FUCKING HELL" way; more of a resigned acceptance that this is your life and it isn't getting any better
- You have to complete every map in Smash Tour to unlock the Pac-Land stage, and there's a second requirement that I don't know what it even is so I have to do it AGAIN
Comparing the two versions:
Roster: SAME
Stages: Wii U
Music: Wii U
Exclusive modes: 3DS
Controls: Wii U
Audio balance: Wii U
Graphics:
SAKURAAAAAAAAIIIIIIII/10