One Thing Leads to Another (2013)

Mission 050: Bungled and Burgled [King Bran]
"oh jakey good i was worried i'd actually have to get up and do something about this injustice" "what injustice" "some guy in green has broken into the royal treasury; teach him a lesson" "can do" Jakey heads off for the Alabama Royal Treasury, where he sees Robert Truckdriver 954 wearing green tights. "yo dude what's going on" "I Am Robert Truckdriverhood; I Steal From The Rich And Give To The Middle Class" "well i have been sent here to teach you a lesson" Jakey rolls up his sleeves and heads over to the blackboard. "I Am Pretty Sure Your Boss Meant To Use Violence" "oh even better" Jakey fires a round straight through Robert Truckdriver 954's skull. "i get tired of talking about the water cycle all the time anyway" Jakey exits the vault and returns to King Bran. "i took care of the problem; it was some guy stealing from the rich and giving to the middle class" "eugh there is very little in this world i hate more than the middle class" "word up; i always hated how gym class was right in the middle of the day so you're all sweaty in front of all the attractive ladies" "exactly" Michelle drains a three from downtown. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/gymnasium t-shirt]

Mission 051: A New Direction [Director Bendik]
"all right i've called you here because our company's advertising is going to go in a new direction; one that is more hip and urban than before" "always a good idea to target youths" "do you know what the hippest shit these days is" "obnoxious celtic cow tipping" "exactly; my secretary will follow you around with a camera while you go and tip some obnoxious celtic cows; we'll cut together the footage and cut you an obnoxious celtic cheque later" "sounds good to me" Jakey and Kathy hop into The Motherfucker and head out to the Obnoxious Celtic Countryside, where they hop over some fences and sneak up behind some cows. "all right you rolling?" "yeah" "okay check this obnoxious celtic shit out" Jakey cautiously approaches a large brown cow. "how now" Jakey gives the cow a gigantic shove, tipping it right over. The cow hits another cow, which hits another, and so on until a dozen cows fall from one tip. "TELL ME YOU GOT THAT" "fuck yeah i did" "help" Jakey turns to see Michelle pinned underneath a stack of cows. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/how now brown cow t-shirt]

Mission 052: Darling, I Don't Know Why I Go to Extremes [Rachel]
"jakey!!! i have been selected to participate in the extreme waitressing games!!!" "wow; you only just started waitressing and you're already in the ewgs" "the guy on the phone said i was a prodigy!!! also that the more famous waitresses all suffered simultaneous fatal bleach poisonings!!!" "you're really lucky yours wasn't fatal then" "i know right!!! they really should label those bottles better!!!" "we'll have to file a formal complaint later" "oh i'm sure the families of the deceased are doing just that!!! i can't waste any time on that anyway!!! i need to train for the extreme waitressing games!!!" "so uh which event(s) is/are you competing in" "well!!! it's not really a competition because i'm the only competitor!!! but!!! i have to look good doing it so i'm invited back next year!!!" "oh yeah of course" "so!!! check out this sweet trick!!!" Rachel mounts her waitress standard-issue skateboard and rides it off a huge-ass ramp. She spins three full rotations and lands back safely. "i call it!!! the TEN EIGHTY!!!" "uh better save that one; people will accuse you of witchcraft for having such sweet moves" "d-do you really think so" "i've seen people burnt at the stake for less" "th-thanks for the advice!!! jakey!!!" "any time" Michelle hits the same ramp, spinning four full rotations and landing back safely. "i call it the 'take me home'"
[reward: respect +/skateboard tricks t-shirt]

Mission 053: Ain't Talkin' 'bout Love [Gwendolyn]
"JAKEY VAN HELSING IS IN TOWN" "oh fuck; hagar or roth" "..." "..." "cherone" "oh gross" "now listen, there is a very prolific vampire hunter in town and i, as a vampire myself, am very worried for my safety" "makes sense" "i would like for you to either make van helsing leave alabama OR to kill van helsing in some overly convoluted way" "is there any other way?" "with you? no" "i'm off" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker while Gwendolyn hides under her bed playing her GameBoy. "ooh a shiny pidgey" Jakey drives off to Van Helsing's likely first destination, the Alabama National Registry, where Kathy sits behind the counter chewing some gum and blowing moderate-sized bubbles. "i didn't know you were into the art of bubble gummery" "i dabble" "anyway uh was a guy named van helsing here recently" "hmmm i can't seem to remember" "sigh" Jakey hands Kathy a pre-counted stack of bills. "he's in the back, looking up the oldest living residents of alabama" "THANK you" "no, thank you, walking sack of money" Jakey heads around to the backroom as Kathy rifles through and inhales the aroma of her bills. "yo van helsing what is up my nigga" Jakey is ignored. "hey dude you don't look so good; take a look" Jakey scribbles two red dots and some fangs on a mirror and holds it up for Van Helsing to look. "OH NO THEY GOT ME" Van Helsing stakes himself in the heart, killing himself instantly. "well that was easy" Michelle walks up to Jakey, actually a vampire. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Van Halen t-shirt/Van Halen jacket]

Mission 054: What's Cooler Than Being Cool? [Special Agent Grace]
"so uh jakey i've got news and i am not sure how you'll react to it" "y-you're not pregnant are you?!" "what no i am a pure virgin of course and also i can't have children; my fellow student at sepecial agent school told me that it's required for all lady special agents to have a tubal ligation so they don't get pregnant in the line of duty but it turns out that's untrue and she was just pranking me; in retrospect though it's pretty funny" "did you get her back for that" "oh yeah the next day i unscrewed the cap on the salt shaker and her food got buried in a mountain of salt!!! the look on her face was priceless!!!" "classic" "also she killed herself afterward" "i don't blame her; the shame and embarrassment must have been IMMENSE" "ANYWAY we're getting off-track; your father has somehow angered the russians and now canada and russia are in the middle of a cold war" "well of course it's cold; i mean both countries are typically covered in snow" "well yeah it's also LITERALLY cold but i was using 'cold war' in a more figurative sense" "how do you mean" "it's just like both your father and the russian guy are making vague threats at eachother and placing troops in seemingly random places for a 'tactical advantage'" "sounds like a load of bullshit" "ALL RIGHT MEN; WE ARE GOING TO BE STATIONED HERE FROM NOW UNTIL LATER" Michelle marches the troops into the room, backing Jakey and Grace against the wall and filling the room with troops. "JESUS CHRIST DON'T STAND IN MY VIOLET PLANTS" Michelle winces as Grace hucks the man standing in her flowerpot out the window. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/U.S.S.R. t-shirt]

Mission 055: ICE COLD [Special Agent Grace]
"uh hey grace i just realised that i forgot to give comrade ivan his hanukkah present and uh i kind of have to do that" "all right; let's put on these disguises and head on up to russia" "you're surprisingly prepared for this" "it's my job to be prepared for ANYTHING jakey" "even-" "ANYTHING" Jakey and Grace don their disguises and hop into The Motherfucker, which Grace has cleverly disguised as a GAZ M21. Jakey flies over to Canada, then drives the rest of the way so as not to arrouse suspicion at a flying M21. "be welcoming back to russia comrade" "da; is good to being back in motherland" "be wording to mother" The guard opens the gate, and Jakey makes his way to Comrade Ivan's house. "ah comrade jakey is big surprise to being seeing you; be coming inside with pretty girl" Jakey and Grace follow Comrade Ivan into his house. "are you being wanting drink miss" "nastasha, and what have you got" "no need to be lying to comrade ivan; we all friends here" "grace" "beautiful name for beautiful girl; to be answering question, be having vodka" "oh shit yeah hook me up" Comrade Ivan grabs a huge bottle of vodka and pours everyone a glass. "oh before i forget; happy hanukkah comrade ivan!!!" Jakey hands Comrade Ivan a gift wrapped in red and yellow-striped paper, with Comrade Ivan's face drawn on the tag. "is beautiful wrapping like always comrade jakey thank you much for bringing gift; comrade ivan have one for comrade jakey also" Comrade Ivan pulls out a gift wrapped in brown paper, the only paper he was able to get. "thank you; i will definitely open it once hanukkah comes" "comrade jakey, comrade ivan be knowing that motherland and canada not having great relationship now, but comrade ivan assures comrade jakey that comrade ivan and comrade jakey always having great friendship" "that means a lot to me, friend" "da; now for to drinking vodka and sharing good times" "i'm down for that" Jakey, Comrade Ivan, Grace, and Michelle tink their glasses and drink merrily. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Comrade Ivan's gift (DO NOT OPEN UNTIL HANUKKAH)]

Mission 056: All Right All Right All Right All Right All Right All Right All Right All Right All Right All Right All Right All Right All Right All Right [Special Agent Grace]
"so uh jakey our plan backfired" "what plan" "when we went into russia, we assumed that everyone would just mistake you for a russian jakey, but one of your fellow jakeys recognised you as the prince jakey and now everyone thinks you've been kidnapped by a qt russian waifu and the sheriff antony has charged into russia guns blazing trying to rescue you" "see, i told you the plan wasn't convoluted enough" "well i've come up with an EXTREMELY convoluted plan that will fix this mess entirely" "tell me more" Grace does just that, and soon she and Jakey fly in The Motherfucker into Russian airspace. "it's a good thing the motherfucker is a total fucking mary sue and doesn't show up on radar systems" "all right you remember the plan right" "right" "okay get going" Grace shoves Jakey out of The Motherfucker and flies back to Canada to give Jakey radio support. Jakey pulls the cord on his parachute and crashes through a window into a nearby house. "not to be being alarmed citizenry" "oh da comrade jakey" Jakey calmly exits the house and loads himsel into their mailbox. Jakey pours gunpowder into the mailbox and fires himself out at high speeds, splattering against the wall of the house across the street. Jakey picks himself up, dusts himself off, and walks over to Sheriff Antony, who is turning over cars looking for Jakey. "psst hey it's me jakey" "JAKEY?! OH THANK GOD I WAS SO WORRIED; I NEED TO GIVE YOU THIS LETTER URGENTLY SO I CAN WIN A FREE iPAD" Sheriff Antony shoves the letter into Jakey's hands. "be sure to put in all your bank account information and internet passwords so i can win the ipad okay jakey" "will do" "oh and here's yours michelle" Sheriff Antony hands a near-identical envelope to Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 057: Birds Flying High, You Know How I Feel [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey i have to go to the uh dentist (yeah that'll work) could you check up on the prisoner situation while i'm as far away from here as possible" Before Jakey can respond, Sheriff Antony has mounted his horse and is halfway to the "dentist". "well shit" Jakey cautiously approaches the luxury celebrity-issue prison cell. "yo adam sandler turn around" Adam Sandler does as he is told, and hucks the item in his hands through the bars. It attaches itself to Jakey and begins to tick. "what the fuck dude" "oh sorry i thought you were somebody else" "what is this thing" "a bomb" "A BOMB" "yeah i made it out of the random junk you and your sister gave me; i was originally going to use it to escape but i thought johnny depp's idea was funnier" "wait i thought you were using it to film grown-ups 3" "that was a cover story to make sure everyone stayed away from my cell" "clever but uh who did you mean to throw the bomb at" "deputy orange of course" "oh yeah that makes sense" "uh hey listen dude i uh am really sorry about the mix-up so i'll tell you how to get rid of the bomb if you'd like" "yes i would definitely like" "you have to find someone willing to take the bomb from you and die themselves AND THEY HAVE TO KNOW IT'S A BOMB; NO TRICKING THEM INTO THINKING IT'S SOMETHING COOL" "WHAT" "well johnny depp thought that making deputy orange decide between his own death or the death of someone close enough to him that they'd be willing to take the bomb from him and die themselves would be the ultimate form of revenge" "damn that's ice cold" "maybe you should find someone who likes you a lot who you don't like very much" "hmmm" Jakey thinks for just a moment. He doesn't want to kill Adam Sandler, Meatball, or Golf Cart, but someone else in the cell will do nicely. "yo professor eif-" "NOT A CHANCE KID" "dammit" Michelle walks up to Jakey. "i'll take the bomb" "like fuck you will" "fine then; suit yourself, as long as that includes taking me home"
[reward: respect +/Crazy Svart missions]

Mission 058: Sun in the Sky, You Know How I Feel [Crazy Svart]
"yo crazy svart i know you're in a coma but listen dude listen - i've got this sweet-ass, no, BOMB-ass shit and i'd like to give it to you!!! if you'd like to receive this bomb, give me no answer" Crazy Svart gives Jakey no answer. "sweet here you go" Jakey rubs his shoulder on Crazy Svart's face, but the bomb remains stuck to Jakey. "well it was worth a shot; i can't think of anyone else i don't really care for though so i'll have to get creative" Michelle presses a button on Crazy Svart's hospital bed, folding him up in the bed. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Great Cheryl missions]

Mission 059: Breeze Driftin' on By, You Know How I Feel [The Great Cheryl]
"the great cheryl i need your help urgently; there's a bomb on my shoulder and i need to get rid of it" "hmmm" The Great Cheryl studies the bomb. "this is very well-made and magically attached jerry; powerful, powerful magic - almost as powerful as mine" "so you can get rid of it?!" "who put it there" "adam sandler" The Great Cheryl quickly backs away. "no no no get out; i am not tampering with adam sandler's dark arcane bullshit today thank you very much; it was nice knowing you jimantha" The Great Cheryl conjures a gigantic boot and kicks both Jakey and Michelle out of the building. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Special Agent Grace missions]

Mission 060: Fish in the Sea, You Know How I Feel [Special Agent Grace]
"hey grace you were the best agent in your class right" "the only survivor" "what do you know about bomb disposal" "i'll be honest, that was my weakest subject at the academy" "oh dammit" Jakey takes off his jacket to reveal the bomb on his shoulder. "WHAT THE FUCK JAKEY I TOLD YOU NOT TO PLAY IN THE BOMB FACTORY" "i wasn't-" "okay okay i can do this i can do this; which wire do i cut red or blue" Grace snaps the cover off the bomb. "THEY'RE ALL GREEN" Grace begins to hyperventilate. "I HAVE ONE JOB AND I AM GOING TO FAIL IN THE MOST SPECTACULAR FASHION IMAGINABLE" "uh-" "I HAVE TO AT LEAST SACRIFICE MYSELF FOR THE GREATER GOOD OR I WILL BRING SHAME UPON MY FAMILY AND PROFESSION" "grace don't-" Grace pulls out the wire cutters, sweating and shaking horribly. "uh don't worry i'll figure this out on my own and-" "NO NO I GOT THIS" Jakey cuts and runs away as fast as he can as Grace chases after him with the wire cutters. Jakey ducks into an alley and Grace loses the trail, but Michelle does not. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Doctor Vladimir missions]

Mission 061: River Running Free, You Know How I Feel [Doctor Vladimir]
"doctor i need you to surgically remove this bomb; it is urgent" "let us be getting jakey into xray" Doctor Vladimir takes X-Rays of Jakey's shoulder. "well uh jakey i am having bad news" "oh no" "bomb is piercing important muscles and bones; cannot be removed without removing entire arm" Jakey instinctively grabs his shoulder. "uh no no i uh think i'll stick it out with the bomb" "be suiting self" Michelle returns from the X-Ray room with X-Rays of her skull. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Claire Who is a Ghost missions]

Mission 062: Blossom in the Tree, You Know How I Feel [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"hey claire you're already dead right" "yeah; it can be kind of a drag at times" "well since you're already dead can you take this bomb from me and let it blow you up, doing no damage because there is nothing to damage" "oh sure; anything to help jakey" Jakey swipes his shoulder at Claire's ghostly form, but nothing happens. "oh no" "what is it" "i guess the bomb can only be transferred to a corporeal being" "i am going to write an angry letter to the manufacturer just as soon as i figure out how to hold a pen" "thanks for trying i guess" Michelle sprints through Claire at full-tilt, crashing into Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Carrie missions]

Mission 063: Dragonfly Out in the Sun, You Know What I Mean [Carrie]
"yo carrie how is my favourite chicagoan" Jakey receives no answer. "okay look i'll just cut to the chase; if you take this bomb from me, i will give you fifty bucks" "that seems like a really bad deal" "a hundred bucks" "i won't do it for any less than ten-thousand" "TEN-THOUSAND?! THAT'S HIGHWAY ROBBERY" "have fun with your bomb then" "I WILL" Jakey storms out of the building, incredibly angry. Michelle follows, even more angry that her junior meal didn't include a toy, and they wouldn't give her one. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 064: Butterflies All Havin' Fun, You Know What I Mean [Sheriff Antony]
"sheriff antony i've got this bomb attached to my shoulder and it's going to explode unless-" Sheriff Antony quickly grabs Jakey's arm and hacks off his arm, hucking it into the river, where it explodes peacefully. Jakey's arm grows back immediately, sans bomb. "jakey you're fucking dumb" "it runs in my family" "i am aware of that, yes" Michelle leaps out of the river, drenched in Jakey's blood. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Adam Sandler missions]

Mission 065: Sleep in Peace When the Day is Done, That's What I Mean [Adam Sandler]
"i got rid of the bomb" "oh who'd you kill" "no one i just cut off my arm" "but-" "i got better" "well good news jakey i have finished work on the second bomb and this time i am 100% certain it will find its way to deputy orange, who does not have the ability to regenerate limbs" "yeah, no, don't do that" "wait what was that i didn't hear you" Adam Sandler hucks the second bomb at Deputy Orange, and it attaches itself firmly. "oh you fucker" "hey what's the deal with the bomb thing you threw at me" "oh it'll explode and kill you unless you find another person willing to take the bomb from you and blow up themselves" "oh i could never do that; i'll have to shoulder the burder alone" "no deputy orange give it to me seriously; i got this" "no, i will not let my good friend die like that" "I HAVE THE INCREDIBLE POWER OF TISSUE/MUSCLE/BONE/ORGAN REGENERATION" "it's more a symbolic thing" "oh for fuck's sake" Jakey grabs Deputy Orange's arm and hacks it off at the shoulder, then hucks away the bomb into the garbage. "WHAT THE FUCK JAKEY" "oh quit crying you baby" Jakey slices open his hand and bleeds into Deputy Orange's wound, regenerating his arm. "SEE NO ONE HAD TO DIE" "IT WAS A SYMBOLIC GESTURE YOU FUCK; EVERY DEPUTY WANTS TO SACRIFICE HIMSELF FOR THE GREATER GOOD" "you'll still get the chance, but if you'd died here, johnny depp would have gotten the deputy job" "oh yeah that wouldn't have gone well" Michelle walks up to Adam Sandler's cell and quickly pockets a bomb. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Deputy Orange missions]

Mission 066: And This Old World is a New World and a Bold World for Me [Deputy Orange]
"so are you planning on doing anything about johnny depp repeatedly convincing adam sandler to try and kill you" "nah i mean it's not like he can make any more bombs; he's out of materials so what's he even going to do" Just as the words leave his lips, Deputy Orange disappears. "uh deputy orange where'd you go" Jakey receives no answer. "uh deputy orange you can come back now; you've successfully freaked me out" Jakey receives no answer, and heads back down to the cellblock to get some answers. "OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO MEATBALL AND GOLF CART" "johnny depp killed meatball in order to trap deputy orange in the nightmare zone" "yeah but i sneezed during the ritual so he ended up in the tupperware zone instead" "i'm not sure which is worse" "okay but what about golf cart" "that one was an accident" "i feel really bad about that one to be honest" "i'd hope so" "i'll send a fruit basket and card to his family" "so uh anyway how do i get to the tupperware zone" "take a left at the mcdonald's on burgundy street and go one more block and it'll be on your right" "thanks" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives to the The Tupperware Zone store, where Deputy Orange bangs on the invisible walls that keep him trapped inside even as customers exit the store. "jakey you've got to help me get out of here" "okay i'll set to work on several convoluted plans which won't work, then we'll get to a seemingly-obvious solution at the end that will work" "thank you so much" Michelle exits The Tupperware Zone holding several resealable containers she'd bought on sale. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Manager Taylor missions]

Mission 067: Stars When You Shine, You Know How I Feel [Manager Taylor]
"taylor the tupperware zone is doing ridiculous business right now; selling shit like fuck" "that won't do; my products are almost as good as theirs, i will just have to trick people into thinking i've lowered the price" Taylor sends out an ad over the radio advertising 50% off on all products bought at twice the price, and the shoppers come in droves. Jakey returns to The Tupperware Zone to see Deputy Orange still trapped inside. "YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO HELP ME NOT TORTURE ME WITH SAVINGS I CAN'T TAKE ADVANTAGE OF" "oh right i always get those two confused" Michelle walks up to The Tupperware Zone's returns counter and returns her previous purchase in order to buy some from Taylor instead. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Construction Candice missions]

Mission 068: Scent of the Pine, You Know How I Feel [Construction Candice]
"yeah this is the place; deputy orange is trapped in here and the building needs to be destroyed so he can get out" "CAN DO" Candice lets a giant wrecking ball loose into The Tupperware Zone, demolishing the building and leaving nothing but rubble. Candice then gets into a bulldozer and pushes all the rubble into the ocean. "jakey i'm still trapped" Deputy Orange runs into the invisible barrier keeping him inside the now vacant lot, and falls straight backward onto Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Great Cheryl missions]

Mission 069: Freedom is Mine, and I Know How I Feel [The Great Cheryl]
"okay the great cheryl; johnny depp has cursed deputy orange and trapped him inside the tupperware zone" "how'd he do that" "he killed a guy and did some kind of incantation" "oh well the only way to counteract a blood incantation is to do another blood sacrifice" "will the recently deceased work" "as long as it's not the same guy as he used to do the first sacrifice, sure" "all right, let me go get him-" "jerry i am magical and can teleport him here" "oh right" The Great Cheryl teleports Golf Cart's corpse into the room, and chants an incantation, summoning Deputy Orange to her location. "wow that worked; thanks the great cheryl" "verbal thanks are nice and all, but i'd prefer monetary thanks" "oh right" Deputy Orange swipes his credit card. "and since your friend tennis shoes died, i'll even give you this thing, free of charge" The Great Cheryl pulls Michelle out of her hat. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Deputy Orange missions]

Mission 070: It's a New Dawn [Deputy Orange]
"all right johnny depp is getting a bit too dangerous to just leave in his cell" "i'd say he's been too dangerous for a while now but okay" "we should give him a stern talking-to" "i was going to say we should just shoot him but we'll try your plan" Jakey and Deputy Orange head to the cellblock. "johnny depp we are here to say that we don't approve of your methods for getting revenge" "that's cute; aren't you the one who recently put a used car salesman into a coma for being your high score in a videogame" "apples and oranges" "face it, you're just as bad as i am (if not worse)" "might as well" Deputy Orange pops a cap in Johnny Depp. "that's also cute, thinking that bullets can stop me; in my decade-long quest for revenge, i have become so consumed by it that i am no longer an actual, living person; i am something far more powerful" "neat" "oh yes jakey it is very neat" Johnny Depp erupts from the jail cell, blowing the roof off the building and sending Adam Sandler hurtling back through time. "OH NO ADAM SANDLER" "ADAM SANDLER WAS THE ONLY ONE WITH THE POWER TO OPPOSE ME AND NOW HE IS GONE WITHOUT A TRACE, BACK IN THE TIME OF THE GREAT MOUNTAIN DEW WARS" "oh god not the longest, bloodiest war in the history of our earth" "ONLY BY POSESSING THE FIVE MYSTIC ARTEFACTS CAN YOU DEFEAT ME, BUT THOSE ARE CLEVERLY HIDDEN AROUND ALABAMA AND WOULD REQUIRE YEARS OF RESEARCH AND STUDY TO FIND" "is this one" Michelle holds up a pair of blue fuzzy dice. "uh yes actually" "yo jakey i'll give you these fuzzy dice if you take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 071: It's a New Day [Gwendolyn]
"hey gwendolyn you're old" "hey jakey you're great with women" "thanks i know; anyway do you know the locations of any mystic artefacts that could defeat a rampaging creature of pure anger and hatred" "well there was that one thing, but in my old age i'm struggling to remember what it was" Jakey buries his face in his hands. "listen this isn't for my own good, this is for the fate of the world (probably) so could you do this thing later when i want to know where the tv remote is or something" "fine; wait here" Gwendolyn rummages through her closet. "here you go" Gwendolyn hands Jakey a CD single of Smash Mouth's 'All Star'. "wait is-" "IMMENSE power flows from this ancient artefact; smash mouth always have been and always will be" "i knew there was something special about this one" Just then, Michelle crashes through the wall. "SOMEBODY ONCE TOLD ME THE WORLD IS GONNA ROLL ME; I AIN'T THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED; SHE WAS LOOKIN' KIND OF DUMB WITH HER FINGER AND HER THUMB IN THE SHAPE OF AN 'L' ON HER FOREHEAD; WELL, THE YEARS START COMIN' AND THEY DON'T STOP COMIN'; FED TO THE RULES AND I HIT THE GROUND RUNNIN'; DIDN'T MAKE SENSE NOT TO LIVE FOR FUN; YOUR BRAIN GETS SMART BUT YOUR HEAD GETS DUMB; SO MUCH TO DO SO MUCH TO SEE SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH TAKIN' MICHELLE HOME"
[reward: respect +/Comrade Ivan missions]

Mission 072: It's a New Life [Kung-Fu Chad]
"master, do you know of any mystic artefacts that could defeat a rampaging creature of pure anger and hatred" "yes, my student" Kung-Fu Chad presses a button on the wall without breaking meditation. "inside this cave you will find what you seek and more" "and more?! holy shit sign me up" Jakey heads into the cave and is immediately confronted by the tortured souls of everyone he's killed. "excuse me pardon me coming through; damn is it crowded in here" Jakey reaches the door on the other side of the room and enters, finding a large pedestal covered in a raging inferno. A sign next to the pedestal says that the inferno can only be quelled by self-reflection and meditation. "i don't have time for that shit" Jakey shoves his arm into the blaze and pulls out the artefact, a giant rubber ducky. "wait there's something else here" Jakey shoves his arm in again and pulls out Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Rachel missions]

Mission 073: For Me [Rachel]
"rachel there's a creature rampaging through alabama, made of pure anger and hatred, and i need to collect two more mystic artefacts to stop it from killing deputy orange" "oh my god!!! that's terrible!!!" "would you happen to know the location of any mystic artefacts" "actually!!! i heard director bendik talking to some kind of statue!!! he's out for the week on vacation in mojavistan but!!! i'm sure he won't mind if you borrow it!!! especially if you're going to defeat an ancient evil!!!" "i'm not sure the evil is exactly ancient, but i'm definitely not against borrowing mystic artefacts without permission" "great!!! follow me!!!" Rachel leads Jakey through winding hallways and past several trapdoors to get to Director Bendik's office, where the mystic artefact sits behind a laser defense grid. "um!!! i believe there is a switch somewhere here that will shut off the lasers!!!" Jakey flicks a switch, turning on the lights. Rachel flicks another switch, opening up a trapdoor beneath her feet. Jakey dives and grabs her arm before she is impaled on the spikes below. "that wasn't very nice!!! i will have to file a complaint!!!" "yes, i'm sure they'll love to hear your story about breaking into your boss's office" "uh good point" Jakey flicks a third switch, deactivating the laser defense grid. "sweet" Jakey hops over the desk and reaches to grab the artefact, his hand getting cut to ribbons by the now-invisible lasers. "SHIT FUCK OW" "jakey!!! are you okay!!!" "yeah they'll grow back but we've flicked every switch in this room and we've only succeeded in almost killing you and mutilating my hand" "and turning on the lights!!!" "y-hey rachel; flick the light switch again" "can do!!!" Rachel flicks the switch, and the laser grid becomes visible again, only this time there is a large gap. Jakey reaches his hand through and pulls out the ancient can of Crystal Pepsi. "rachel could you please get me a drink so i am not tempted to drink this ancient artefact" "right away!!!" Rachel leaves and returns a split-second later with a can of Mountain Dew classic and Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions]

Mission 074: And I'm Feelin' Good [King Bran]
"king bran do you have any ancient artefacts capable of stopping a creature made of pure anger and hatred" "boy do i; the pride of my collection" King Bran holds out his favourite pen. "can i borrow it" "no you cannot" "but deputy orange's life depends on it" "never really was big on that guy" "but-" "bluhbleh" King Bran waves his hand at Jakey, motioning for him to shut up and go away. Jakey hangs his head and does just that, and King Bran is quickly approached by Emelyn. "king bran it's time for your appointment with the russian government concerning your stance on the war" "oh yeah right" "now the kremlin is a huge kleptomaniac so you should keep your favourite pen in a safe place so he can't steal it while you're not paying attention" "good idea"  King Bran places his favourite pen inside a locked glass case rigged with an alarm that can only be opened via handprint and eye-scan identification. Emelyn subtly nods at Jakey as she leads King Bran to the conference room. Jakey quickly leaps into action, breaking open the glass case and stealing the pen, leaving evidence behind implicating the Russians, leading to a full-scale war between Alabama and Russia. Michelle knocks over the throne as well. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Johnny Depp missions]