A Thing Gaiden 20: Lilith (2019)

CHAPTOUR ONE:
Lilith approaches the watercooler at her place of work, Super Mega Business Co. Incorporated, and eavesdrops on a conversation. "man i am SICK of those fucking undead" "i know right?! i am so glad the company is going to do something about it" "hey uh guys what's going on with the undead" "the company is finally going to do something about those noisy undead in the graveyard across the street; they are going to bulldoze the graveyard and turn it into a parking lot" "i'd like to see the dead rise through six inches of asphalt" Lilith gasps, unable to believe what she is hearing. While the other two continue laughing about the undead, Lilith rushes to her boss's office. Kathy sits at the reception desk, filing her nails. "miss kathy i need to see the boss urgently" "he doesn't want to be disturbed" "sigh" Lilith gets out her wallet and hands Kathy a crisp 20 Alabama Fun Bux note. "head right in" Lilith bursts through the door to Amiee :3's office. Amiee :3 is playing with toy trucks on the floor. "i need to get a new receptionist" "boss is it true what they're saying?!" "yes, the cafeteria will no longer serve breakfast after 10 AM" "no th-wait, there's a 10 in the AM now?" "apparently" Lilith shakes her head. "no i mean is it true that you're turning the graveyard into a parking lot" "yeah" "why?!" "we needed a new parking lot and i'm sick of the undead moaning all night so two birds" Lilith buries her face in her hands. "could you like not do that" "no" "dammit" "why do you even care anyway" "i like the undead; they kept me company throughout my troubled teen years" "did they" "yeah and i was a lot happier then than i am now" "well good; you can go be happy with them in the unemployment line; you're-" "i quit" Lilith exits Amiee :3's office with a sarcastic wave.

CHAPTOUR TWO:
"so that's what's happening" "hey i told you what would happen if you became 'well-adjusted'" "yes yes umbra, i should have become a necromancer like you or perhaps a lich but whatever it doesn't matter" "indeed; how are we going to overcome this adversity" "petition city hall to protect our beautiful graveyards" "oh good idea; we should also petition them to make necromancy legal" "do you have a better idea" "we ressurrect an army of undead and destroy the entire office building" "yes, because people will love us if we just wontonly destroy things when we face adversity" "it works for the blacks" "ANYWAY, how about we try my idea, then we can try yours if mine doesn't work" "deal"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"sir your appointment is here" "send her in" Kathy rings Lilith into the head office of city hall, which is also King Bran's castle. "so how are you today" "uh not so good milord" "what's the problem" "well uh super mega business co. incorporated is building a new parking lot" "yes yes more parking, more happy citizens" "well they're going to build it over a graveyard" "what? no that land is just some trees" "it's pretty plainly a graveyard" King Bran claps twice, and Emelyn enters the room, holding the royal Google Maps. "let's see let's see super mega business co. incorporated on cattlejuice street hmmmm" King Bran's eyes widen. "oh fuck that is a graveyard" King Bran yanks a chain, and a siren begins to blare. "ABORT ABORT ABORT" "wha-" "the last thing i want is to be the guy who approved the destruction of a graveyard; the last guy who did it is still being haunted" "and who would that be" "my predecessor, king bran xxiv; he is dead now but the ghosts still circle his grave and he CANNOT rest in peace like that" "so uh-" "you know what might appease the ghosts?! we'll bulldoze super mega whatever and build a graveyard!!!" "that's a great idea" "of course it is" King Bran writes up and signs a royal cree. "so it is written, so it shall be!!!"

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
"good news umbra; there's no need for a riot" "wait what" "check it out" Lilith and Umbra peer out of a hole in the side of the cave, and see Candice piloting a bulldozer straight into Super Mega Business Co. Incorporated's office as Amiee :3 jumps up and down and yells at her. "impressive" "wait what's she doing" Amiee :3 stomps across the street and begins plucking gravestones out of the ground. "OH NO" "i got this, don't worry" Umbra rolls up her sleeves and summons a vampire using dark necromantic magics. Gwendolyn appears, with her cleavage hanging out and a headset on. "aw man someone was just about to drop a fat donation on me too" "listen, you can go back as soon as you kill that intruder" Umbra points out the peephole at Amiee :3. "fine whatever" Gwendolyn trudges out of the cave and bites Amiee :3 in the neck, draining all her blood and killing her. "can i go home now" "fine" Umbra sends Gwendolyn back home, the problem all taken care of.

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
"we are gathered here today to mourn the loss of our beloved amiee :3, a businesswoman at the time of her death" The funeral service for Amiee :3 marches on, even with record low attendance. "luckily, amiee :3 believed in reincarnation, so check this out" Amiee :3's ashes stir, and from them rise a naked Amiee :3. "GAH" The few attendees cough. "i always forget that part" Father Brucie hands Amiee :3 some clothes. "so now that you're back among the living, what have you reincarnated as" "an irrelevant side character who may never appear in the a thing series again" "at least you're realistic" Father Brucie stamps the documents, and Amiee :3 fades into obscurity once again.
THE END