A Thing Gaiden 5: Shopkeepour (2014)

CHAPTOUR ONE:
Shopkeepour stands at the door to the corporate headquarters of the Я Us business empire. "OKAY i got this; i have to get this job or else i will bring shame upon my entire family" Shopkeepour slowly opens the gigantic glass doors to the lobby, where Kathy sits behind her desk, reading the reviews section of Magazine Magazine. "five stars for kathy magazine; just as it should be" "u-um h-hello i-i'm here f-for the j-job interview" "go on in; the boss is expecting you" Without taking her eyes off her magazine, Kathy presses the button to buzz Shopkeepour in with her foot. Shopkeepour hesitates for just a moment, then walks into Taylor's office with as much feigned confidence as he can muster.

CHAPTOUR TWO:
"so you want to work for our company" "yes sir" "your resume is spotless; nothing negative or positive at all" "yes sir" "i like that; a blank slate to mold in my own image" "yes sir" "all right; i like what i see so i'm going to give you the test; if you pass, you will become the business's shopkeep full-time" "yes sir" "i need the following items: the dust of a vampire, marrow from the bone of skell'thok, the saliva of a jakey, and some pepto bismol (i am fresh out)" "yes sir" "now go out there and do me proud" "yes sir"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"okay the first item on the list is the dust of a vampire; the most obvious location of such a thing is at not-sunny acres apartments" Shopkeepour enter the apartment block to find Kathy, still reading Magazine Magazine. "um hey could you point me in the direction of a weak and/or cowardly vampire to slay" "company policy advises me against telling vampire hunters the locations of specific kinds of vampires" "would THIS change your mind" Shopkeepour slips Kathy a crisp five dollar bill. "it would indeed" Kathy hands Shopkeepour a key, and he heads straight upstairs to get to the room. "oh god another vampire hunter" "sorry this is nothing personal" "what do you need from me" "dust" "hold on" Gwendolyn rifles through her cupboards and produces a jar for Shopkeepour. "will this do; it was from count zackula" "it should thank you ma'am i am glad we could settle this without violence" "mmm" Shopkeepour exits the apartment block and moves onward to his next mission.

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
"the next item is 'marrow from the bone of skell'thok' and i figure the best person to ask about ancient bones is the gravedigger (since i can't understand the language of dogs)" Shopkeepour knocks on the door to the gravedigger's shack. "GAH" A loud crashing noise is heard as Valerie scrambles to the door. "h-hello" "hey i was wondering if you knew anything about the 'bone of skell'thok'" "o-oh y-yes the m-marrow is said to m-make an e-excellent facial cream th-that restores y-youth and v-vitality, as well as an f-fantastic d-dipping sauce" "do you know where i could find it" "th-the ancient t-tomb of skell'thok i-is buried d-deep underground; y-you'd need either e-extreme luck o-or some kind of d-dog who's l-like really good at d-digging" "oh i got this one" Shopkeepour whips out his phone and calls up his cousin, Dog Trainour, who appears within ten minutes thanks to their shared cousin, Taxi Drivour. "all right boy; this is the big one - we need the most magical and ancient bone in the world" "hey miss uh" "v-valerie" "miss valerie you wouldn't happen to know what this bone smells like would you" "th-the legends say i-it smells of b-brimstone" "luckily i always carry some with me" Shopkeepour produces some fresh brimstone from his pocket and Dog Trainour's best tracking dog, Trackour, catches the scent immediately. "bark bark" Trackour leads Shopkeepour, Dog Trainour, and Valerie to a fresh grave containing the corpse of a professional fighter named Iron Jeff Mahogany. "guy can't catch a single break can he" Trackour, along with Dog Trainour's best digging dog, Diggour, begins to dig up Iron Jeff Mahogany's grave, tunnelling deep into the earth's crust and retrieving the Bone of Skell'thok. "i-i can't b-believe it" Shopkeepour carefully retrieves a sample of the marrow, and hands the bone to Valerie. "keep this safe miss; make sure it doesn't fall into the wrong hands" "c-can do" Shopkeepour, Dog Trainour, Trackour, and Diggour hop into the back of Taxi Drivour's taxi and head back to Boston for the next task.

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
"the saliva of a jakey' at least it won't be hard to find one; jakeys are everywhere in this town (this world even)" Just as he says that, Jakey walks down the street with his hands in his pockets, whistling badly. "speak of the devil" Shopkeepour walks up to Jakey, waving him down. "hello" "hello jakey i am a huge fan of your jakey deeds" "oh thanks uh dude" "shopkeepour" "nice to meet you shopkeepour; what can i do for you today" "well uh i'm trying really hard to achieve my life's dream right now but i kind of need your help" "what do you need my man" Shopkeepour produces a cup. "uh i just went" "no i don't need a urine sample, i need you to just like spit into it" "... o-okay dude" Jakey spits into the cup several times, and Shopkeepour puts the lid on. "so uh if you don't mind me asking, what in the world is this for" "i wish i knew" Just then, Michelle walks up and produces her own cup of saliva for Shopkeepour. "take me home"

CHAPTOUR SIX:
After three tireless days and nights, Shopkeepour finally finishes his ascent of the Misty Mountain and enters the hut at its peak. "oh wise sage of the misty mountain; i beseech thee in my time of need" "yo what do you need dog" "pepto bismol" "ah that could be a problem" Jimmy Page points out the window. "some weird men have been dancing naked around the fountain of pepto bismol for weeks now; i haven't been able to send any out to stores because every time i go out there they yell at me with their weird accents" "i'll uh see if i can help" "good luck young one" Shopkeepour exits the hut and heads for the Pepto Bismol spring. "Go Away" "We Are Busy Partaking In The Beautiful Colours And Flavours Of The Pepto Bismol Fountain" "if you want pepto bismol you're going to have to pay for it like everyone else" "Once It Is Bottled And Processed It Loses Its Magic" "The Fountain Is The Only Place To Get Pure, Undilluted Pepto Bismol" "Tell You What; We Will Allow You To Take One Bottle's Worth If You Leave Us Alone" "Or You Can Just Slaughter Us And Make The Pepto Bismol Stores Open To Everyone Again; It's Your Choice" Shopkeepour makes his choice, although it doesn't really matter in the end. Either way, Shopkeepour gets the Pepto Bismol he needs, and the Robert Truckdriver clones are slaughtered either by him now or Jakey and Sheriff Antony later.

CHAPTOUR SEVEN:
"mr taylor i have returned with your items" "oh thanks for picking up my groceries" Taylor rifles through what Shopkeepour had acquired for him. "nice very nice; i like your style kid - welcome aboard" In that moment, Shopkeepour's dreams are all realised. In awe, Shopkeepour can do nothing but stand there, mouth slightly agape. "it's not that big a deal dude" Taylor hands Shopkeepour a company badge and shoos him off to his first assignment.
THE END