Everything (2016)

Mission 050: Accident and Emergency [Doctor Vladimir]
"QUICKLY BE RUSHING PATIENT INTO EMERGENCY ROOM ON DOUBLE BE CHOPPING" Doctor Vladimir makes a chopping motion with his hand.  "hey what's-" "oh jakey is fortunate you are being here; there is been horrible accident blood everingwhere" "o-oh dear what happened" "patient was getting soda from vending machine and soda not popping out of slot so he reaching arm inside and it get stuck" "okay" "well then he was pulling arm out and arm came off inside vending machine" "i-" "now i am needing you to being pulling arm out of vending machine without damaging machine" "g-got it" Doctor Vladimir rushes to the emergency room, and Jakey faces the vending machine. "it's just an arm; i've got two of the things what am i worried about" Jakey reaches his hand in and touches the muscle and bone of the arm. "OH GOD" Jakey rips his hand back and runs for the sink to wash it. He then grabs a pair of gloves and reaches back in, tugging on the arm as hard as he can. "man all this tugging sure does work up a thirst" Jakey inserts some change and presses the button for a freshing Mountain Dew Pitch Black, which pops out attached to the arm. "sweet" Jakey pops the top off and takes a swig before rushing it to the emergency room. "oh you are having arm is good just in time to attach it again" Doctor Vladimir takes the arm, hands the Mountain Dew Pitch Black to Jakey, and reattaches it to Robert Truckdriver 89. "glad i could help" Jakey walks off, drinking from his can, and sees Michelle with her arm in the vending machine. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mountain Dew Pitch Black jacket]

Mission 051: Crossing Valleys, Endless Tears; in Unity We Stand [Professor Eif]
"jakey have you ever noticed how the most beautiful among us are also the most fragile" "uh-" "i must return to my windows jakey they need me" "about that uh the kids kind of broke them all whe-" "WHAT" Professor Eif hops into The Motherfucker, but is fired out at high velocity into a snowbank. "dude you can't steal the motherfucker it knows what's up" "JUST TAKE ME BACK TO ALABAMA JAKEY" Jakey and Professor Eif hop into The Motherfucker and head back to Alabama University, where shards of broken glass are strewn throughout. "i-i" Many single tears fall down Professor Eif's cheeks. "I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE FOR YOU I'M SO SORRY" Professor Eif rubs the shards of broken glass across his face, cutting himself badly. "I'M SORRY GERRY, TERRY, PERRY, LARRY, HARRY, CARRIE, MARY, GARY, BARRY, AND ALL THE REST" Professor Eif grabs the largest shard he can find, a shard that used to be Gerry. "i'm so sorry" Professor Eif jabs himelf in the heart with the shard of glass, but Jakey runs over and bleeds on him. "you're right i can't run away from what i've done; i must live with the attrocities i've committed" "that's the spirit" Michelle busts through another window and runs off carrying all the school's jewels. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/broken glass jacket]

Mission 052: Maiden Canada [Emelyn]
"jakey your father the king of canada has borrowed the king bran's favourite aladdin movie on vhs and he would like it back" "well road trip time" Jakey and Emelyn hop into The Motherfucker and fly to Canada's grandest castle. "yo father remember that aladdin movie you borrowed" "oh yeah it sure was a good one - the citizen kane of disney direct to video sequels; it was such a good movie that i had it gilded" King Jakey hands Jakey a VHS copy of The Return of Jafar coated in solid gold. "d-does it still play the movie" "oh yes, i made sure of it" "well thanks" "oh and send this over too i'm not sure he's seen it" King Jakey hands Jakey a VHS copy of Cinderella II: Dreams Come True. "uh okay" Jakey and Emelyn hop back into The Motherfucker and fly back to Alabama. "yo king bran here's your aladdin movie" "oh sick he had it gilded too" "and he wanted you to watch this one as well" "oh shit i didn't know they made a second cinderella" "i think there's a third one too" "damn; emelyn scour the vhs stores for this third cinderella movie" "right away sir" Emelyn zips out the door, plowing straight into Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Return of Jafar jacket/King Bran missions]

Mission 053: Invaders, Looting [King Bran]
"i feel great jakey; i've got my favourite movie, a tub of ultra-buttery popped corn, and a full day to myself for nothing but fun" "word up my nigga" King Bran pops his The Return of Jafar VHS tape into the VCR and is pleased to see that King Jakey had rewound the tape for him. "what a nice man" King Bran presses play, but, suddenly, the wall the VCR is on explodes with violent fury. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" King Bran rushes over to the VCR, but the tape miraculously survived, due to the gilding it had received earlier. "god bless you king jakey" King Bran grabs the tape and runs down to the kingly bomb shelter while Jakey is pinned beneath some rubble. "it's a beautiful day" "don't let it get away" Bonofan050 pops Jakey in the head and walks down to the throne room. "ALABAMA IS OURS DEATH TO TYRANTS" "jesus christ i never saw that coming" "really? i thought it was pretty obvious" "explain" Kathy sighs as she continues to file her nails. "remember the airplane? they were quoting u2's 'bullet the blue sky', as well as some others" "i-" "in fact, a lot of the bullshit you've done lately was because of them" "dammit i knew i should have studied my u2 records" Jakey walks over to Bonofan050. "if i can get 22 of your men to leave 22 different ways, will you leave" "no" "oh dammit tell me how to get you to leave" "nothing on earth will budge me from this spot, barring maybe some sort of ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE" "i'll hold you to that" Michelle crawls from under the rubble. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Kung-Fu Chad missions]

Mission 054: I Can't Believe the News Today [Kung-Fu Chad]
"MASTER I NEED TO LEARN THE ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE IN ORDER TO DEFEAT THE EVIL DUDES WHO HAVE TAKEN OVER ALABAMA HALL" "the ultimate technique comes as much from without as within; you need 22 friends to pledge you their power, but it will only work the once" "will you pledge me your power" "i wouldn't really call myself your friend to be honest" "fair enough" Jakey turns to face Michelle. "will you pledge me your power" "oh all right but only if you take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 055: Oh, I Can't Close My Eyes [Sheriff Antony]
"yo sheriff antony could you pledge me your power so i can use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat the evil dudes" "i don't know; i have a lot of power but i think a lot of it is funnelled into my immortality" "it won't take long i promise" "okay tell you what; i'll pledge you my power if you give me your sister's phone number" "(343) 555-MICHELLE" Sheriff Antony pledges Jakey his power, and then calls Michelle. "hello may i speak to jakey please" "uh sure" Sheriff Antony hands Jakey the phone. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Harvey Kinkle missions]

Mission 056: And Make it Go Away [Harvey Kinkle]
"yo harvey could you pledge me your power so i can use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat the evil dudes" "i would but the big game match is coming up, and i'll need all the power i can get to warm that bench" "but if you use all your impressive power, the bench may break under the strain of containing such power" "i-i'd never thought of that" "if you pledge some to me though the bench will be safe" "deal" Michelle lays down on the bench, warming all of it at once. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/bench jacket/Kathy missions]

Mission 057: How Long [Kathy]
"yo kathy could you pledge me your power so i can use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat the evil dudes" "i don't know; the coverage of the evil dudes is making kathy magazine sell by the boatload" "but wouldn't news of the incredible kathy helping to defeat the evil dudes sell even more copies" "yes, but i had planned to only do that after kathy magazine's sales started to fall" "well if you pledge me your power now i'll promise to not use it until you agree the time is right" "just a moment" Kathy writes down a contract. "sign here" Jakey signs the contract and hands Kathy 50,000 Canada Fun Bux. "very well, consider it yours" Michelle winks at Jakey from the face of the money. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/signed Kathy t-shirt, again/Yuko missions]

Mission 058: How Long Must We Sing This Song [Yuko]
"yo yuko could you pledge me your power so i can use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat the evil dudes" "i would be glad to / i've never cared for evil / give 'em hell jakey" "will do" Michelle rises up from the depths of Yuko's fishbowl. "thanks for your support / we will use your power well / take me home jakey"
[reward: respect +/fishbowl jacket/Gravedigger Valerie missions]

Mission 059: How Long, How Long [Gravedigger Valerie]
"yo valerie could you pledge me your power so i can use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat the evil dudes" "o-of c-course jakey i-i'll help in a-any way i c-can" Valerie grabs her shovel. "l-let's go" "uh it's more of a metaphysical thing" "o-oh i-i'll just st-stay here then" Valerie sets down her shovel, slightly disappointed. Michelle falls through Valerie's chimney. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Manager Taylor missions]

Mission 060: 'cause Tonight, We Can be as One [Manager Taylor]
"yo taylor could you pledge me your power so i can use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat the evil dudes" Taylor pauses for a moment, chewing his well-chewed stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "fifty bucks" "deal" Jakey hands Taylor fifty Alabam Fun Bux, and he throws in a free Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Shopkeepour missions]

Mission 061: Tonight [Shopkeepour]
"yo shopkeepour could you pledge me your power so i can use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat the evil dudes" "well i would but i need my power right now to finish this crossword puzzle" Jakey looks at the puzzle. "24 is adam sandler" "and then that means 37 is willie nelson!!!" Shopkeepour furiously scribbles down the answers, nearly completing the crossword puzzle. "all right; you can have it if you get this last answer" "oh that's easy; it's 'michelle'" Shopkeepour writes down Michelle's name, and she pops off the page, covered in ink and nothing else. "AUGH" Michelle grabs the pen and draws some clothes on herself. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Resistance Leadour missions]

Mission 062: Broken Bottles Under Children's Feet [Resistance Leadour]
"yo resistance leadour i have found a cause for you to resist" "POINT ME AT IT AND I WILL RESIST MY FUCK OUT" "the evil dudes have taken over alabama" "what is the best tactic to resist these evil dudes" "pledge me your power so i can use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat the evil dudes" "DONE" Resistance Leadour sits down and begins to resist. Michelle is flung across the room by the sheer power of Resistance Leadour's resistance. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Great Cheryl missions]

Mission 063: Bodies Strewn Across the Dead End Street [The Great Cheryl]
"yo the great cheryl could you pledge me your power so i can use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat the evil dudes" "i don't know i have a lot of power jerry are you sure you can contain it" "no but the dudes are like REALLY evil so i feel like it's an acceptable risk" "well luckily for you i've got so much power that i can pledge some to you and also have enough leftover to do my show tonight; consider it a repayment for the mystic forest" "you won't regret this the great cheryl" "if i do, i can always magic backward and stop myself from powering you up" "that's the spirit" The Great Cheryl puts on her hat and walks out to the stage, where Michelle is waiting to be sawn in half. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Sophia missions]

Mission 064: But I Won't Heed the Battle Call [Sophia]
"yo sophia could you pledge me your power so i can use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat the evil dudes" "oh sure if you're willing to pay my rate" "but they're threatening to destroy the world (i think)" "i'm an assassin jakey i've trained to dull my emotions and sense of humanity" "oh for fuck's sake i'm going to be broke by the end of this" Jakey hands Sophia fifty-thousand Alabama Fun Bux. "you've got me at your back until the evil has been vanquished" "thanks" Michelle passes Sophia another fifty-thousand Alabama Fun Bux and whispers in her ear. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Special Agent Grace missions]

Mission 065: It Puts My Back Up [Special Agent Grace]
"yo grace could you pledge me your power so i can use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat the evil dudes" "yes; yes i will (note that i would have said yes even if you were not my lord and leige)" "sweet only ten more to go" "can the decoy count as one" "uh it's not a real boy" "we must try and fix that then" Grace motions for Jakey to join her in the laboratory, where Jakey sees his loyal crew for the first time in a while. "wait did you ask your crew for their support; that would knock out the ten right away and then some" "arrrrrrrrrgh if ye be needin' help why ye not be askin' us cap'n" "i feel it would be too easy to get twelve in one shot; these things need to simmer a bit for the dramatic tension" "arrrrrrrrrgh fair enough cap'n" "ALL RIGHT so i've captured several crickets, which we will introduce to the decoy and see if he doesn't gain sentience and start on the path to becoming a real boy" "sounds like it might work" Grace pulls a lever, draining the crickets into the bubble the decoy is in. They wait for half an hour, but nothing happens. "IF I EVER GET MY HANDS ON WHOEVER MADE THIS PIECE OF SHIT INSTRUCTIONAL VIDEO I WILL MAKE THEM WISH THEY WEREN'T SENTIENT" Grace dropkicks her copy of Pinocchio straight into Michelle's stomach. Grace's face then twists into a look of horror, frightened at the thought that she accidentally injured Princess Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Satan missions]

Mission 066: Puts My Back Up Against the Wall [Satan]
"yo satan could you pledge me your power so i can use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat the evil dudes" "oh definitely; we can't be having evil running around freely; people always blame me for that for some reason" "really? i usually just blame deputy orange" "sign here" Jakey signs Satan's contract. "the contract is sealed" The contract burns up immediately, and Jakey turns to see Michelle in a cage. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Construction Candice missions]

Mission 067: And the Battle's Just Begun [Construction Candice]
"yo candice could you pledge me your power so i can use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat the evil dudes" "yes; we will strike back at those who would make the jobs of the blue collar join the dodo in extinction; WE WILL RISE UP AND WE WILL FIGHT" "i like your enthusiasm, though i'm not sure whether or not that is actually their goal" "do they have robots" "they're partially robotic" "EVEN WORSE" Michelle winds up her robot toy, which marches straight into Candice's leg. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Emelyn missions]

Mission 068: There's Many Lost, but Tell Me Who Has Won [Emelyn]
"yo emelyn could you pledge me your power so i can use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat the evil dudes" "but jakey i need my power to serve the king bran" "but he's hiding in the shelter right now; the best way to serve him would be to pledge me your power so i can use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat the evil dudes" "your argument is compelling, but i want full deniability if this all goes south" "i promise that i will not mention you as one of the 22 givers of power" "deal" Michelle emerges from King Bran's shelter, licking a cold on the cob. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Claire Who is a Ghost missions]

Mission 069: The Trench is Dug Within Our Hearts [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"yo claire could you pledge me your power so i can use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat the evil dudes" "but what if my power is the only thing keeping me tied to your mortal coil" "well if you pledge your power to me and i don't die myself, when the power is released, you would return to normal right" "would i?" Jakey shrugs. "in any event, i really need power so" "fine but if i end up in heaven or whatever i'm coming back to haunt you" "see? win/win" Michelle sneaks up behind Jakey wearing a sheet. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Father Brucie missions]

Mission 070: And Mothers, Children, Brothers, Sisters [Father Brucie]
"yo father could you pledge me your power so i can use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat the evil dudes" "my son, my power is the power of our lord; you must ask him for power" "all right" Jakey kneels down at an altar. "dear lord, i beseech you in our hour of need; evil dudes have totally taken over king bran's castle and i need to use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat them; if you will help and pledge me your power, please appear in this church as michelle asking me to take her home" Michelle warps into the church. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Crazy Svart missions]

Mission 071: Torn Apart [Crazy Svart]
"yo crazy svart could you pledge me your power so i can use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat the evil dudes" "only if you buy something" Jakey looks around for something he'd want to buy. "i'll take this umbrella" "that's a parasol" "ew" Jakey drops the parasol immediately. "i'll take this singing alicia keyschain then" "good choice good choice" Crazy Svart wraps the Alicia Keyschain and his power in a small bag as Jakey hands him the money. He even throws in a free Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Erin missions]

Mission 072: Wipe the Tears from Your Eyes [Erin]
"yo erin could you pledge me your power so i can use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat the evil dudes" "..." "..." "..." "man, whether or not i will be able to get all the power i need to defeat the evil dudes is a real MYSTERY huh" Erin falls from the ceiling, straight on top of Jakey. "oh yeah let me help you solve this MYSTERY just like how you helped me nearly get myself KILLED EARLIER" "you gotta admit it was funny though" Erin glares holes through Jakey. "listen erin for real though these bonofans have a twisted plan to solve all the mysteries in the world themselves and not leave any for people like you" Erin tries to remain silent, but her eye begins to twitch. "FINE I'LL HELP ON THE OFF-CHANCE YOU'RE NOT LYING TO ME BUT I'M STILL MAD" "and i wouldn't have it any other way" Michelle falls from the ceiling, straight on top of Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Deputy Orange missions]

Mission 073: Wipe Your Tears Away [Deputy Orange]
"yo deputy orange could you pledge me your power so i can use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat the evil dudes" "how will i fight crime if you have all my power" "but the evil dudes are committing the biggest crime of all; treason/attempted coup/attempted assassination/breaking and entering/vandalism" "that's a lot of crimes but what about the old lady whose purse is getting snatched on the street, or the guy parking in a handicapped spot then doing cartwheels into the store" "you raise a good point but i have a solution" Jakey calls up Grace, who comes over with a new decoy, modeled after Deputy Orange. It's not as convincing as the Jakey decoy, as Grace does not want Deputy Orange to see through Jakey's decoy. "this will be our temporary law enforcement decoy" "but does he work" Jakey runs up and rips Grace's purse out of her hands, and the decoy fires its laser eyes at him. "okay i'm convinced" Michelle snatches the purse from Jakey's hands and runs off before getting fired upon by the decoy. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 074: Oh, Wipe Your Bloodshot Eyes [Gwendolyn]
"yo gwendo could you pledge me your power so i can use the ULTIMATE TECHNIQUE to defeat the evil dudes" "why am i almost the last person you've asked; i can see the twenty glowing orbs floating around you" "uh i felt your power (the power of TRUE love and also vampirism) was the greatest of all and i uh didn't want to have to contain its uh power for too long" "ooh good one; i'll pledge you my power just for the quick thinking" "thanks" Michelle flies through the room on the wings of a bat (because, it's midnite). "take me home"
[reward: respect +/King Bran missions]