Everything (2016)

Mission 000: Prologue [N/A]
Jakey wakes up with a lampshade on his head, tied to a chair. "oh MAN that was some party last night" "GOOD you're awake!!!" A man in a grey suit snatches the lampshade off of Jakey's head. "hey wait this isn't the IHOP" "very perceptive, o prince of canada" "hey thanks i've always prided myself on being a good uh perception guy" "it shows; i bet you'll even see THIS coming" The man whacks Jakey over the head with a wooden plank. "ow" "my name is chuck; give me the diamonds or i will be forced to break more planks over your head!!!" Chuck steps aside to reveal a giantic stack of wooden planks. "where'd you get all those planks" "plankz Я us was having a sale; buy one at regular price, get one at regular price" "oh shit is that still going on" "yes the sale ends friday" "aw shit man gotta get me out to the store to buy some planks" Jakey's chair begins to hop all over the place in Jakey's excitement. "struggle as you may, you will never break that rope!!! it was mastercrafted by the finest underage craftsmen in all beijing!!!" "oh damn man could you untie me please i've got to go take advantage of the bargains!!!" Suddenly, a knife falls down and cuts the rope holding Jakey's left hand. "hey thanks" "WHO-" A furious kick comes out of the blue from a man wearing his trademark cowboy hat and his autographed 'Make America Great Again' t-shirt. "SHERIFF ANTONY have you heard about the deals too!!!" "yes; we must go take advantage of these sweet deals" Sheriff Antony lays down some surpressing fire as Jakey unties his other hand. Unfortunately, Sheriff Antony can only lay down six shots before he has to reload. This gives Chuck enough time to huck his gun straight into the air, hitting a button which causes a trapdoor to open underneath his feet. Chuck falls down into his speedboat and speeds off, giggling like a madman. "is he just going to leave his planks here" "DUDE let's load this shit up into the sheriff antonymobile!!!" "fuck yes"  Michelle rapels down the rope attached to the crow's nest of the ship. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/all of the stuff you have on your save files from the 'A Thing' series/Sheriff Antony missions]

Mission 001: Injection! [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey we've just got in the latest in mystical bullshit that claims to up your abilities but doesn't really do anything" "load me up doc" Sheriff Antony takes out a gigantic syringe. "uh wait a minute" "no time" Sheriff Antony plunges the needle into Jakey's arm, and it comes out his other arm. "oops too far" Sheriff Antony pulls back a bit and squirts all the medicinal fluid into Jakey's body. "all done" Sheriff Antony hands Jakey a lollipop. "gee" Michelle walks in licking her own lollipop with a band-aid on her nose. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/injection jacket/the latest in mystical bullshit]

Mission 002: Going Through the Motions [Sheriff Antony]
"jakey i feel like we go through the same motions all the time; weird guy attacks you, i give you a mystical object, then professor eif appears for some reason, WELL NO MORE YOU AND I ARE GONN-" "oh yeah i should see what professor eif is doing thanks sheriff" "wait no i-" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and peels out. "fuck" Jakey drives all the way to Alabama University. "yo professor eif what are you up to this time" "quitting" "what why" "i am squandering my potential by teaching these idiots; i'm going somewhere where i can experiment with impugnity" "well uh bye" "goodbye forever" Professor Eif slams the trunk on his convertible and drives off to parts unknown. "THIS IS TERRIBLE" Dean Taylor runs up, chewing an age-old stick of Trident sugar-free chewing gum. "HOW WILL I FIND A REPLACEMENT FOR PROFESSOR EIF ON SUCH SHORT NOTICE" Dean Taylor turns around and sees Jakey. "eh you'll do" Dean Taylor slaps a tweed jacket onto Jakey. "see you tomorrow professor" "..." Dean Taylor hops into his own convertible and drive off to manage one of his many stores. "... what just happened" "I'VE GOT IT" Michelle leaps and grabs the frisbee in midair, knocking Jakey over in the process. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/tweed jacket/Alabama University safehouse/"Professor Jakey" missions]

Mission 003: I Brought My Pencil ["Professor Jakey"]
"class i am your new teacher, professor jakey, and today we will be learning about vampires" "this is a science class" "and?" "vampires aren't real" "your ignorance is almost cute" Jakey motions Gwendolyn into the room. "uh hi" "this is a vampire; you can tell by the glowing red eyes and sharp canines" "oh come on i know a cheap costume when i see one" "would you perhaps like a demonstration of how real i am" "oh this should be great" The student walks up to the front of the class. "what's your blood type" "b positive" "delicious" Gwendolyn sinks her teeth into the student, draining all his blood and turning him into a vampire. Gwendolyn licks her lips and send the boy on his way back to his seat. "dude what the fuck" "you just turned him into a vampire" "he'll be fine as long as he doesn't go into any form of sunlight ever again" "if he's really put out by it there is a cure but look that up on your own time" "now the most important thing about being a vampire is to know your blood types; o is like water - positive or negative, a positive is sweet, a negative is sour, b positive is salty, and b negative is bitter; ab positive is a neat novelty but AVOID ab negative like the plague" "uh" "the last time i drank ab negative i could not get the taste out of my mouth for WEEKS" The bell rings and the students begin to leave the room. "DON'T FORGET THERE WILL BE A TEST ON THIS TOMORROW" "can i come to all of your classes from now on; that was the best meal i've had in ages" "i'll uh think about it" Michelle falls out of Jakey's desk. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gwendolyn missions]

Mission 004: Give Me Something to Write on, Man ["Professor Jakey"]
"class today we will be learning about ghosts" "wait GHOSTS ACTUALLY EXIST?!" "yes" Jakey motions Claire into the room. "hello" "A GH-GH-GHOST" The entire class runs to the back of the room. "oh come on she's not going to hurt you" "i couldn't even if i wanted to" Claire tries to slap Jakey, but her hand passes right through him. "s-so what do ghosts e-even d-do" "scare people" "th-that's it?" "yeah we can't really do much else" "we're only now discovering technology for ghosts to be able to like grab things but as long as you don't wear ecto-brand clothing you'll be fine" One student tears off his shirt and throws it out the window. "so uh aside from ruining all of our sleep schedules, what did you aim to do this class session" "this is really all i had planned; i assumed there'd be more screaming" "fair enough" Michelle picks up the discarded shirt and puts it on. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/ecto shirt/Claire Who is a Ghost missions]

Mission 005: I Heard About Your Lessons, but Lessons are so Cold ["Professor Jakey"]
"class today we're going on a field trip; load up" Jakey turns The Motherfucker into a rocket-powered bus and waits until all the students have loaded up, then he rockets off to Canada. "here we are; canada, my home and native land" "why is it so cold" "probably because it's snowing" "it's middle of september" "i don't see your point" Jakey leads the students over to a cave. "in here we will find the most terrifying of all canadian beasts; the YETI" "WHAT" "I THOUGHT WE WERE HERE TO BUILD SNOWMEN OR SOME SHIT NOT GET KILLED BY A FUCKING YETI" "relax you'll be fine as long as you stay BEHIND me" Jakey leads the class into a big cave. "there he is" "is he... bleeding" "uh looks like we're not the only ones with business with the yeti" "oh god we're gonna die" "NONSENSE" Jakey walks deeper into the cave as the class sprints back to the safety of The Motherfucker. "hmm it appears there's some kind of computer here" "HOW IN THE WORLD DID YOU FIND ME" Professor Eif enters the room pointing a gun at Jakey. "please don't embarrass yourself" Jakey grabs the gun away from Professor Eif. "i came here to get AWAY from the class and you bring them here" "how in the fuck was i supposed to know you were here" "it's a science class why in the fuck are you out in the mountains of canada" "i uh wanted to show them a real life yeti" "brilliant" Professor Eif sits down and slumps in his chair as Jakey sets the gun down on a desk. "so why-" "I'M TRYING TO CREATE A PURE WAIFU and i thought 'what substance is more pure than freshly-fallen snow' but i can't seem to get her to actually LIVE" Jakey places his hand on the snowoman's chest. "don't even bother; even the most advanced science couldn-" "hello" "GAH" Professor Eif falls over backwards. "HOW" Jakey shrugs. "thank you so much for giving me life" "uh don't mention it" "oh fuck this i'm out" Professor Eif stomps into his backroom, getting out all the whiskey he had stocked. "what's his problem" Jakey shrugs as Michelle honks the horn of The Motherfucker. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Professor Eif missions/Holly the Snowoman missions]

Mission 006: I Could be Right, I Could be Wrong [Gwendolyn]
"i have a sudden urge to feel hip + youthful; let us away to the club" "onward" Jakey turns The Motherfucker into a chariot and he and Gwendolyn hop in and drive down to Nightclubz Я Us, where youths are plentiful on the dancefloor, and the bar is manned by Shopkeepour, chewing a fresh stick of Double Bubble chewing gum. Gwendolyn knocks on the bar twice with the palm of her hand. "barkeep, two alcoholic beverages for me and my companion" "it shall be done, my lady" As Shopkeepour heads back to the taps, Gwendolyn's gaze narrows, and she hopes that Shopkeepour is not getting fresh with her. Shopkeepour returns with the drinks, and Gwendolyn flicks a farthing at him. Shopkeepour tips his paper cap and scuttles back to the other customers. Gwendolyn and Jakey imbibe their alcoholic beverages, then Jakey gets down on one knee, grabbing Gwendolyn's hand. "may i have this dance my lady" "verily" Jakey and Gwendolyn walk out to the dancefloor and slow dance to the hottest new Skrillex song. At the end of the dance, roses are thrown onto the floor and the DJ dedicates the next song to Jakey and Gwendolyn; Michelle's newest hit, "take me home"
[reward: respect +/nightclub jacket/Shopkeepour missions]

Mission 007: It Hurts so Bad, it's Been so Long [Gwendolyn]
"yo jakey you remember last year when we killed zeus johnson" "OH YEAH good times" "well his one brother, hades johnson, sent us a thank you card; he's super-happy that he inherited control of all his brother's assets" "that's really nice of him" "but uh his other brother, poseidon johnson, is angry and is to challenge us to honourable combat at seaworld" "let's go" Jakey and Gwendolyn hop into The Motherfucker and head down to the aquarium. "THERE YOU ARE; PREPARE TO TASTE MY FURY" Poseidon Johnson lets loose the floodgates, causing a dozen sharks to pour into the streets and flop around. "i should have thought this out better" "should have but didn't have" Jakey fires a round through Poseidon Johnson's skull. "so we shouldn't let these sharks go to waste" "i agree" Jakey and Gwendolyn grab the sharks and put them into The Motherfucker, to fry them and have a feast. Michelle crawls out of one of the sharks' mouths. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/shark jacket]

Mission 008: I Never Did Believe in Miracles, but I've a Feeling it's Time to Try [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"jakey i've been thinking" "i would hope so" "i've been a ghost for ten years now; how long has it been since i've actually eaten food or played a game; being a ghost sucks because you can't DO anything" "have you tried posessing objects and fiddling with them from inside" "..." "..." "brbr" Claire flies into the TV and posesses it, changing the channel for the first time in a decade. "OH MY GOD THERE ARE OTHER CHANNELS BESIDES MTV?!" "i am so sorry if all you had to watch was mtv" "this changes everything i love being a ghost" "glad i could help?" Claire flicks between all the channels indiscriminately, eventually coming upon the news. "do not be alarmed, folks, everything will be okay" Claire flicks to the next channel. "wait what was that" "does it matter? the man said everything will be okay" "fair enough"
Claire continues to flick through the channels, eventually coming upon The Michelle Show, where Michelle repeatedly says "take me home"
[reward: respect +/The Michelle Show t-shirt]

Mission 009: Got a Whole Lot of Money That's a-Ready to Burn [Claire Who is a Ghost]
"jakey i had the greatest idea of what to do with my new abilities" "oh boy" "drive us to las vegas; i'll explain on the way" Jakey and Claire hop into The Motherfucker. Jakey drives off, but Claire doesn't come with him. "SHIT WAIT UP" Claire flies as fast as she can to catch up with The Motherfucker, then the two make their way to Las Vegas, and head into Gamblez Я Us, where Shopkeepour chews a fresh stick of Big League Chew. "need any chips" "i'll take one" Shopkeepour looks at Jakey quizically, then gives him one chip. "on the house" Jakey and Claire head over to the slot machines. "you remember the plan right" "right" Jakey opens a large bag and holds it under the slot machines as Claire ejects all the money from them. When they are done, Jakey and Claire exit the casino with their winnings. "how much we get" "i've got about four million here" "good now i need you to hold onto two million of it in a separate area so that you can buy me things with it since i cannot do that myself" "got it" Michelle exits the casino with her pockets outturned and single tears streaming down her face. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/$2,000,000]

Mission 010: Fritter and Waste the Hours in an Off-Hand Way [Professor Eif]
"no one appreciates me so i'm running away WAY AWAY to the distant past where my contributions will be recognised"  "i see no flaws with this plan" Professor Eif opens a portal to the distant past of 1916, and he and Jakey hop in. "oh enforcer eif there you are; we've got to lean on a local shopkeepour to pay us protection money" "wait what" Underboss Kathy shoves Professor Eif into the shop, while he frantically tries to explain that he is not Enforcer Eif. "you do this every fucking time get a new joke" Underboss Kathy slams the door and locks Professor Eif in the shop. "what are you looking at" "n-nothing ma'am" Jakey runs off as far as he can from the shop, bumping straight into Sheriff Antony. "sh-sheriff antony how do you do" "i'm sorry jakey do i know you" Jakey looks at Sheriff Antony incredulously. "i mean i know you're a jakey but you look like you're from a different time period" "well yeah but-" "listen jakey there are many jakeys in this world but you can't just assume all jakeys are the same" "fine whatever" Michelle walks down the street, accepting gifts from various street vendors to her, the godmother. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jakey 1916 outfit]

Mission 011: And Since We've No Place to Go, Let it Snow, Let it Snow, Let it Snow [Holly the Snowoman]
"the life of a sentient being made of snow is a very trying one" "but you get to experience this beautiful weather all the time" Jakey motions to the blizzard raging outside. "i have nothing to compare it to, so it all just seems so mundane" "trust me, this is as good as it gets" Jakey falls back into the nice, cold snowbank and makes some snow angels. "it gets so lonely on this snowly mountain and i do not like being alone" "stay there i've got an idea" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and rockets off for Dogz Я Us, where Shopkeepour chews a brand new stick of Zebra Stripes chewing gum. "i'm in the market for a dog of some sort that can survive snowly climates" "oh" Shopkeepour looks back at his stock. "okay so here's the deal; all i've got right now is one dozen chihuahuas" A bead of sweat runs down Jakey's face. "BUT if you tape them together like so" Shopkeepour grabs a roll of duct tape and attaches the thirteen chihuahuas to eachother. "..." "..." "was there more to that idea?" "n-not really" Shopkeepour holds his head downward. "well um thanks for trying anyway?" "any time" Jakey turns to walk out of the store and trips over a gigantic sleeping dog. "oh we have that one too i guess" Jakey, still facedown on the floor, holds up his money. "i'll take it" Jakey grabs the dog and shoves him into The Motherfucker, heading back to the snowly mountain. "yo holly i got you a dog" The dog slumps on the snowly floor of the cave and goes back to sleep. "um thanks" "any time" "so what's his name" "bernard; he is also apparently recognised as a holy dog, so he should be refered to as 'saint bernard'" "i-is it okay for me to be taking care of such an important figure in the religious community" "shrug" Michelle falls down the mountain, landing in the cave, broken and bloody. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/vague relationship with Holly]

Mission 012: If I Get By, It's Mine; Mine All Mine [Shopkeepour]
"oh detective there you are; thieves have been stealing my shit can you help" "i'll see what i can do" Jakey whips out his magnifying glass and paces the storefront looking for clues. "were these footprints always here" "no" "mysterious" Erin begins to fall from the ceiling, then hoists herself back up. "YOU'RE A TOTAL FUCKER JAKEY" Jakey bows. "so anyway the obvious conclusion is that i need to follow these footprints, and i definitely don't need any assistance doing so" "FUCK YOU YOU COMPLETE FUCKING COCKTEASE PIECE OF SHIT" Jakey follows the footprints outside, where they lead to a set of tyre tracks. Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and follows the tyre tracks, coming across a warehouse. "what a surreptitious place" "'oh look at me i can use a thesaurus'" Erin hucks her phone at Jakey's head. "jesus christ who carries around a rotary phone" "it's an enigma" Jakey rubs his head and heads into the warehouse. "So You Got The Shit Right" "Fuck Yeah I Got The Fuck Out Of That Shit" Robert Truckdriver 38 and Robert Truckdriver 24 fistbump. "there are too many of them to take on alone-" "a-HEM" "there are TOO MANY OF THEM to take on ALONE so how will i get the shit out of the warehouse without them noticing" "sounds like one fuck of a goddamn conundrum" A lightbulb appears over Jakey's head, and he heads back out to The Motherfucker, turning it into a miniature crane. Jakey slips the neck into the warehouse and grabs the shit with the hook and backs out before returning to Missionz Я Us. "here's your shit back shopkeepour; i solved this MYSTERY all by myself" Erin falls from the ceiling. "eat shit and die" Erin storms out of the store, plowing Michelle right over. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Shopkeepour t-shirt]

Mission 013: It's the Bigger Love of the Family [Shopkeepour]
"jakey today is the day of the -our family reunion all my relatives will be there" "r-really?!" Jakey gets excited at the thought of meeting Shopkeepour's beautiful sister, Resistance Leadour. "now i was supposed to bring my sister, resistance leadour, out of hiding to attend, but i couldn't be bothered; do you know of any women who could disguise as her" "i know just the lady" Jakey calls up Special Agent Grace Harriet Sherborne, his most trusted agent. "yo grace get over here we've got shit to do" "already there" Grace hops down off an awning and salutes Jakey. "how-" "IT IS MY JOB TO PROTECT THE PRINCE OF CANADA" "fair enough" "yo lady we need you to disguise as my sister; here's a set of her clothes and a brown wig" "on it" Grace heads into the shop's dressing room and comes out wearing Resistance Leadour's outfit. She, Jakey, and Shopkeepour then hop into The Motherfucker and head to the family reunion, where Kathy waits to check in all the members of the -our family. "names" "shopkeepour, resistance leadour, and uh jakey" "you two are on the list but jakey isn't" "what let me see that list" Kathy hands Jakey the list, and Jakey hastily scribbles his name at the bottom. "dude it's right there" Jakey hands the list back to Kathy. "so it is" Kathy ushers the three into the park and goes back to filing her nails. "so give me the lowdown who do we got here" "well there's doctour from old country, and there's truck drivour and band managour, and oh that's roofour and paintour, and then we've got lawyour and prosecutour, and that there is david gilmour" "oh man i can't wait to mingle" "wait i haven't even introduced you to michelle yet" Michelle stands in front of Jakey with an innocent smile on her face. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Special Agent Grace missions/David Gilmour missions]

Mission 014: A Pretty Face Can Hide an Evil Mind [Special Agent Grace]
"jakey there is a gravedigger up who lives alone up on a mountain and we have to see if she's up to something" "who, valerie? nah she's cool" "regardless, i still have to do my job; now come along and fill me in on who valdis alana caulfield is and why you call her 'valerie'" Jakey and Grace hop into The Motherfucker and head up to the mountain while Jakey tries to explain his relationship with Valerie to Grace in such a way that he does not close the door on either girl. "WELP HERE WE ARE let me knock on the door and introduce you-" "NO WE USE THE DECOY" Grace unloads the Jakey decoy. "i don't think this is a decoy situation" "jakey if i could i would replace you with the decoy entirely while you and i stay home where it's safe and there won't be any harlots vying for your attention but that is neither here nor there" Grace wheels the decoy to Valerie's front step, rings the doorbell, and hides in a bush. "GAH" A loud crash is heard as Valerie scrambles to the door. "suspicious" "come on she always does that" "even MORE suspicious" Valerie opens the door and spots the Jakey decoy. "..." "..." "o-oh my god s-someone has k-kidnapped j-jakey and r-replaced him with th-this silly r-robot" Valerie grabs her shovel and silver sword and bursts through the doorway, knocking the decoy clean over, then she hops into her truck and drives off, calling Jakey's cellphone. "h-hello" "J-JAKEY th-thank god y-you're okay" "uh wh-what" "wh-where are you i-i'll t-tell you wh-when i get there" "i'm uh at my house" "o-on my way" Valerie hangs up. Meanwhile, Grace is wiping the dust off the decoy. "oh she's a wily one; the only person to ever see through the decoy" "i-" "she cannot be trusted" "wh-what" "we have to set a trap for her at your house" "uh no we don't" "uh yes we do" Jakey holds his face in his hands as he and Grace walk toward The Motherfucker. "we've got to get back quickly because she was pushing that thing to its limit" "sigh" Jakey trudges into The Motherfucker and blasts off to home with Grace. "so here we are" A knock is heard at the door. "SHIT she was quicker than i'd thought" Grace hides in a closet as Jakey answers the door. "OH THANK GOD YOU'RE ALIVE" Valerie latches onto Jakey, happy that he is not dead. "i uh am glad that you're alive as well" "s-so uh i-i kind of um d-drove my truck into th-the building" "it's insured don't worry" Michelle drives a second truck into the building. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Gravedigger Valerie missions]

Mission 015: I Want a Girl Who Knows What's Best [Special Agent Grace]
"i have finished interrogating the gravedigger" "WHAT" "relax i disguised it as a phone survey" "oh okay then; what was the result" "i don't trust her but i found no evidence that she is an enemy of canada or its rulers" "that's good enough for me" "so you want to go out for food or something" "always" Jakey and Grace hop into The Motherfucker and head to the best restaurant in the WAL*MART district - Father Brucie's Holy Seafood. "yo father we'd like a holy fisherman's platter and a lobster roll" "coming right up my son" Jakey and Grace take their seats and are soon served their food by Father Brucie. The lobster roll is cut in half and distributed evenly to the two diners, who do that thing annoying couples do where they lock their arms together while eating it. "if i were observing this, i'd be rolling my eyes right about now" "feeling the annoyance and scorn in the eyes of the other diners makes it more than worth it" Michelle stares at Jakey and Grace with the fury only a single woman in her mid-20s can muster. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Father Brucie's Holy Seafood t-shirt/lobster jacket/Father Brucie missions]

Mission 016: Eclipse [David Gilmour]
"hey kid i want to see a solar eclipse" "i think the next one isn't until next year" "oh that won't do" David Gilmour reaches into his back pocket and pulls out his wallet. He rifles through his bills until he finds a crisp fiver. "i will give you five dollars if you can cause a solar eclipse within the next hour" "you've got yourself a deal" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker, turns it into a rocket, and blasts off into space. "jakey to ground control i'm in space now" "what am i your babysitter" Kathy hangs up on Jakey. Jakey attaches a chain to the moon and hauls it off in front of the sun for a second, then puts it back where he found it. "jakey to ground control ready for re-entry" "then fucking do it jesus christ next you'll be asking my permission to get dressed in the morning" Kathy hangs up once again, and Jakey touches down on the earth. "hey i did it" "oh did you i wasn't paying attention" "i-" "well a deal's a deal i suppose" David Gilmour wads up the fiver and flicks it at Jakey. Michelle exits The Motherfucker with unusually large breasts hanging out of her shirt. "a deal's a deal jakey; now you have to take me home"
[reward: respect +/eclipse jacket/$5]

Mission 017: Help Me Get My Feet Back on the Ground [Gravedigger Valerie]
Jakey knocks on the door to Valerie's house, and the door is instantly ripped open, knocking Jakey off balance for a second. "J-JAKEY I'M S-SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE I-IT'S HORRIBLE" "yeah you sounded pretty shaken on the phone; moreso than usual even" "I-I-I-I-I A-ACCIDENTALLY B-BURIED A-A LIVING P-PERSON" "... oh dear" "i-i-i-i-i i s-swear i th-thought h-he was d-dead" "it's okay we all make mistakes but how did he end up here if he wasn't dead" "w-well a guy i-in a n-nice suit c-came up a-and d-dropped him off" "and you didn't ask any questions" "h-he looked d-dead to m-me b-boss" "i-... anyway what did you do with the guy you buried" "h-he's st-still b-buried" "WHAT" "I-I-I-I-I I'M S-SORRY I-I D-DIDN'T KNOW WHAT T-TO DO" "COME ON LET'S HURRY AND GET THAT GUY OUT" Jakey and Valerie rush to the gravesite and dig up the casket to find Deputy Orange playing with his phone. "oh thank god i thought i'd never get out" Valerie begins to hide behind Jakey, but he sidesteps her and nudges her toward Deputy Orange. "s-sorry a-about b-burying you" "don't worry; happens all the time" "so uh who did this to you" "have you not been paying attention jakey" "y-yeah i-i t-told you i-it was m-me" "no i mean who brought you here" "oh right that was the mafia" "ah of course the mafia; i thought they went into hiding after that whole wave race machine thing" "well they're back so i'd better get back to the precinct bro" Deputy Orange flicks his wrist in a wave goodbye as he leaves the graveyard. "s-so am i o-off the h-hook" "it seems that way" "g-good i-i do not l-like h-hooks" "well be more careful next time" Valerie salutes Jakey and heads back to her house. Michelle crawls out of the grave Deputy Orange was in. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Deputy Orange missions]

Mission 018: Won't You Please, Please Help Me? [Gravedigger Valerie]
Jakey knocks on the door to Valerie's house. "GAH" A loud crash is heard as Valerie scrambles to the door. "j-jakey i-i-i n-need your h-help again" "always happy to" "..." "help i mean" "o-oh r-right" Valerie's face reddens even more than it had before. "i-i-i l-lost m-my shovel" "that would present a major problem in your line of work wouldn't it" "y-yeah" "don't worry i will help you get to the bottom of its enigmatic disappearance" A muffled screaming is faintly heard from the ceiling. "y-yes l-let's solve th-this mystery" For a brief second, Jakey's face curls into a look of horror. "MYSTERY?!" Erin falls from the ceiling, directly onto Jakey. A look of shock and worry instantly appears on Valerie's face, and Erin picks herself up and brushes herself off. As Jakey rises from the floor, Erin sticks out her tongue in smug self-satisfaction. "wh-who-" "i'm here to help you solve your mystery miss" "u-uh th-thanks?" "don't mention it; i do it because i love it" Erin begins to systematically search through every drawer and cubbyhole in the house. "i'll get the backyard then" "i-i'll st-stay here w-with the m-mystery l-lady" Jakey gives Valerie a salute-wave as he leaves her house and heads into the backyard, where he finds several familiar faces. "okay scouts what are you doing here" "We Are Trying To Get Our 'Stole A Gravedigger's Shovel' Badge" "wait is that really a thing" Robert Truckdriver 197 points the badge out in the Jakey Scouts handbook. "god i really got lazy toward the end there didn't i" Jakey grabs the handbook from Robert Truckdriver 197's hands and scribbles in a new badge. "'Returned A Gravedigger's Shovel'" "Bonus" "Two For The Price Of One Baby" The scouts head back to Valerie's house. "Yo Miss Gravedigger We Found Your Shovel" "o-oh th-thank you" "Now About That Reward" "O-OH wh-who do i m-make the ch-cheque out to" "The-" "keep your money valerie; they don't deserve it" "b-but i-i promised a-a reward a-and it's not l-like they were th-the ones who stole it" "well actually-" "You Are Completely Right Miss And You Are Also A Very Beautiful Young Lady" "o-okay n-now i kn-know you're f-full of shit" Valerie grabs her shovel and slams the door on the scouts. "wow you guys really fucked up; i've never seen her even slightly irritated before" "We Still Get The Merit Badges Though Right" Jakey hucks a bunch of merit badges at the scouts, and they are all quickly scooped up by Michelle. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Jakey Scouts missions]

Mission 019: Let Me See What Spring is Like on Jupiter and Mars [Father Brucie]
"all right jakey let's go off to spread the light of the lord to the darkest recesses of space" "word" Jakey and Father Brucie hop into The Motherfucker and blast off into space. The Motherfucker heads to Mars and lands on its rusty alien surface. "we come in peace" "oh good" The Martian leader has his men lower their laser guns. "welcome to mars, humans; what business do you have here today" "i am here to spread the light of our lord into space" "what you mean jesus? he's cool" "oh so you know of him" "yes; he was the one who blessed us with the ability to speak your earth language; we even filled our cities with that oxygen shit you like so much" "nice exposition" "thanks i've been working on it for a while" "well mission accomplished" Father Brucie dusts off his hands and heads back into The Motherfucker. "you are welcome back to mars any time my friends" "thanks bro" "don't mention it dude" Jakey boards The Motherfucker once more and finds Michelle pushing random buttons on the control panel. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Mars jacket]

Mission 020: My Shots Will Always Miss [Deputy Orange]
"all right jakey we've got to end the mafio" "mafia" "right that" Deputy Orange spreads out a map that was rolled up on the table. "i have searched little italy, and it appears they are operating out of this pizza place and this pasta place" "i should have guessed" "i know right; you take the pizza place and i will take the pasta place" "sounds like a plan" Jakey hops into The Motherfucker and drives off to Papa Parazoni's Pizzioni. "ah a-hello and-a how may i-a serve a-you" "i'd like a pizza" "coming a-right up-a" Papa Parazoni heads back to the kitchen, then returns with a pizza cut into six slices. "SIX SLICES? THAT'S ALL THE PROOF I NEED TO PUT YOU AWAY FOR GOOD, DON PARAZONI" "ah, you've seen through my stereotypical italian disguise; i guess i won't be needing it any more" Papa Parazoni rips off his chef's outfit to reveal the black suit of Don Parazoni. "oh god he's gone straight from one italian stereotype to another without missing a beat" "that's right mac; now youse about to be missing a beat; your heartbeat to be precise" "oh, good one" "thanks i've been working on it for a while" Don Parazoni whistles for his boys, who surround Jakey. "fifteen against one? hardly seems fair for you guys" "oh right sorry" Don Parazoni whistles again, calling fifteen more mafioso. "yeah that's a much more even fight; how you ever thought you could beat me with only fifteen guys is a MYSTERY" "..." "..." "i said it's a MYSTERY" "sorry what was that i didn't hear you" "now is not the time erin" "i disagree; we both know you're unable to die, but it will be fun to watch you get the shit beaten out of you" "thanks for the vote of confidence" "no problem" "unable to die eh; then we'll just make you wish you were dead" Don Parazoni turns his gun on Erin and pulls the trigger, but Erin is already gone and behind the don with her own gun. "that wasn't very smart bro" "DON PARAZONI" Jakey takes advantage of the momentary confusion, and pulls out his own gun, firing upon every mobster in the room. "so do you want to go quietly or-" "go to hell" "i'll see you there" Jakey fires a bullet right between Don Parazoni's eyes. "i'm disappointed; i was looking forward to watching you eat lead in perpetuity" "hey guys the pasta place was a dead end so-" Deputy Orange stops dead in his tracks, noticing all the dead mobsters. "oh goddammit" Michelle walks out of the back room of the kitchen holding an eight-slice pizza. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/Papa Parazoni's Pizzioni t-shirt/Papa Parazoni's Pizzioni business]

Mission 021: Stars Will Fall from Dark Skies [Deputy Orange]
"all right jakey today there's going to be a shooting star and we have to be on guard in case it decides to shoot at us" "yes, many people will be out to watch the star, and we have to ensure their safety" "let's roll" Jakey and Deputy Orange hop into The Motherfucker and head out to the tallest hill in Alabama, where crowds have gathered to watch the shooting star. "there it is" "i am sick and tired of everyone always GAWKING at me; EAT LEAD FUCKERS" The shooting star pulls out his twin sawed-off shotguns and fires upon the crowd. Jakey turns The Motherfucker into a giant shield, deflecting the blasts. Unfortunately, one such deflected blast is redirected straight toward Claire. "NOOOOOOO" Jakey tries to run to take the blast in place of Claire, but is too late. Fortunately, Claire is a ghost and is unaffected by such projectiles. "oh right" Jakey stares at his socks and sandals. "how embarrassing" "i appreciate the thought at least" "okay, starman, you've embarrassed me enough for one day" Jakey shoots straight up at the shooting star, but the bullet loses momentum and falls back down to earth before reaching the atmosphere. "curse you gravity" "it's okay jakey i've already arrested him" Deputy Orange walks the handcuffed shooting star over to his horse and places him in the attached wagon. Michelle rushes from the crowd over to Jakey. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/shooting star jacket/Claire Who is a Ghost missions]

Mission 022: There's Something Missing from My Life [Deputy Orange]
"jakey we've got to defend the alabama national supermarket; don parazoni's remaining men are going to attack it" "um, why?" "i sent out a tip with one of my informants that you owned it and they want to fuck it up to get to you" "this is good; i like it better than using a building i actually own" "i knew you would bro" Jakey and Deputy Orange hop into The Motherfucker and head down to the Alabama National Supermarket. "all right youse cops wese gonna break your legs" "all right go ahead" Jakey lays down on the ground in front of the mobsters in a seductive pose. "..." "..." "okay flatfoot what's the catch" "catch of the day? haddock (it's always haddock)" "there must be a sniper around somewhere" "that would have been a great idea; wish i'd thought of it" "fuck this i'm goin in" One of the mafioso walk up to Jakey and smash his knees with a hammer. "oh no my legs they are broken" Jakey's knees instantly heal back to normal. "oh wait they're fixed" "WHAT THE FUCK" "I WASN'T PREPARED FOR WITCHCRAFT" "RUN" The mobsters run away straight into a huge net, which Deputy Orange airlifts out via helicopter. "great job jakey i totally believed you were some kind of weird fetishist" "thank you very" Michelle walks out of the store carrying her groceries. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/hammer jacket]

Mission 023: I Ain't Gonna Run Away; All I Wanna do is Play [Deputy Orange]
"jakey we've been doing a lot of actual like work lately so i think we should just kick back and relax with a nice game of checkers" "good idea; i'll call my tag-team partner" Deputy Orange and Jakey both call over their tag-team partner, and soon both Shopkeepour and Yuko appear. "all right let's do this" "we all ready?" "i was born ready / prepare to taste your defeat / bow down before me" "all right GO" The four checkerers check with all their might, hoping to incapacitate the other team's checkerers with their finest checking. Once the pieces have been well and thoroughly checked, the checkerers step back, and the winning team basks in the warm glow of checkers victory. Michelle hands the victors their trophy. "take me home"
[reward: respect +/checkers trophy?/Shopkeepour missions/Yuko missions]

Mission 024: They Like the Punk and the Metal Band [Jakey Scouts]
"all right scouts it's time to earn your 'fought to the death' merit badge" "Uh Scoutmaster Jakey Won't That Thin Our Ranks" "oh no you won't be fighting eachother; you'll be fighting martial arts master kung-fu chad" "..." "..." "'s pet bear who wants to die with honour on the field of battle" "I Like My Odds Even Less Now" "don't worry you'll all team up, and if you win i'll throw in the 'fulfilled a dying bear's final wish' badge" "And If We Lose?" "i'll give you a nice funeral" "Could Be Worse I Suppose" The scouts climb into the ring. "HELLO WELCOME TO CHAMPIONSHIP BOXING; I'M STEVE" "AND I'M STEVE" "TONIGHT WE HAVE A SPECIAL TREAT; A DOZEN CHILDREN VERSUS A LIVE BEAR" "WE HAVE BEEN ASSURED THAT THE BEAR IS AN HONOURABLE SPORTSMAN AND WON'T TRY ANYTHING UNTOWARD" "THAT'S A RELIEF BOB" "RIGHT YOU ARE BOB NOW LET'S GO DOWN TO OUR SIDELINE REPORTER KATHY" "thanks steve/bob; i am here with the bear - tell me your thoughts about the upcoming match" The bear lets out a loud roar. "wow such confidence coming out of our challenger today; back to you bob/steve" "AND THE BELL IS RUNG SIGNIFYING THE START OF THE ROUND" "THE CHILDREN ARE COWERING IN FEAR BOB" "TRYING TO LULL THE BEAR INTO A FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY; I LIKE IT BOB" "WELL THE BEAR IS NOW WITHIN STRIKING DISTANCE BOB" "NO WAIT THE CHILDREN HAVE EXITED THE RING AND RUN AWAY LIKE LITTLE GIRLS" "THEIR COACH HAS THROWN HIS HAT TO THE GROUND WITH DISGUST, AND HAS DONNED HIS OWN PAIR OF BOXING GLOVES AND ENTERED THE RING" "WE ARE GOING TO SEE A FIGHT TONIGHT AFTER ALL BOB" "RIGHT YOU ARE BOB AS JAKEY HAS DELIVERED A WICKED HAYMAKER TO THE BEAR'S HEAD" "THE BEAR APPEARS TO BE UNAFFECTED AND HAS DELIVERED AN EQUAL BLOW TO THE HEAD OF JAKEY" "HE DOESN'T LOOK SO GOOD BOB" "HE DOES NOW; THAT HEALING FACTOR IS REALLY COMING IN HANDY AGAINST THIS BEAR" "BOTH COMPETITORS HAVE TAKEN OFF THEIR GLOVES AND ARE NOW WRESTLING ON THE GROUND BOB" "THOUGH HE IS PHYSICALLY OUTMATCHED IN EVERY WAY, THAT JAKEY IS STILL GIVING IT HIS ALL" "BLESS HIS SOUL BOB" "THE BEAR HAS LEFT HIS OPPONENT BLOODIED AND BROKEN ON THE GROUND" "THE BEAR WINS" "DOWN TO KATHY FOR AN INTERVIEW WITH OUR LOSER" "jakey you have been thoroughly beaten and humiliated by the challenger; what do you have to say about this" "I HELD ONTO THE LAST ONION RING FOR YOU CAROLYN" "i think that about says it all; back to y-" Michelle runs up and steals the microphone from Kathy. "take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty; TAKE ME HOME"
[reward: respect +/boxing jacket/Kung-Fu Chad missions]