Teh Forum RPG [Reboot] XVIII

CHAPTOUR ONE:
"oh jakey thank you for coming on such short notice" "any time my friend" Bran leads Jakey into his home, and they have a seat in the den. "i have realised that i will not be around forever, and i have decided that, should i pass on without leaving a proper heir, i want to pass on to you my vast misfortune" "m-misfortune?!" "yeah i broke like thirteen mirrors and black cats seem to LOVE crossing my path" "uh n-no thanks" "come on be a pal" Jakey sweats in his chair. "uh mr bran i have a confession to make; i am not actually jakey i am merely pretending to be him" "gasp" "my real name is stan ford" "uh-huh and what is stan short for" "uh staniel" "okay checks out" Bran walks over to the phone. "sheriff antony i've got an identity thief here who used this theft to break into my house" "UH WAIT A SECOND"

CHAPTOUR TWO:
Taylor rolls up to Brucie's yardsale, browsing through his various knickknacks and chachkies. "uh i think you accidentally put this chachki in with the knickknacks" "ah dammit i thought i'd sorted these better than that" As Brucie reorganises his shelves, Taylor comes across a strange item. "am i reading this right are you selling your soul at a yardsale" "yeah and for just five bucks too" "i'll give you three" "deal" "you aren't afraid of going to hell?" "nah i trust that you won't do anything untoward with it"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
Bran finally finishes all of his kingly paperwork just before the sun starts to set. "king bran i'm going home now" "wait emelyn emelyn you've been doing such a great job that i'd like to take you out to dinner" "t-tonight?" "yeah i'm done with my paperwork so-" "uh i can't make it tonight" "why not" "uh i have to work my second job at the uh sliceria" "i didn't know you had a second job" "well you know paying for my terminally ill sister's operations is expensive" "i'll give you a raise then so you can quit your second job" "uh thanks but i can't put that burden on the royal treasury" "nonsense i'll take it out of my personal funds" "o-oh uh" "come on call the sliceria and tell them you quit" "i uh can't they're depending on me to slice the uh rias" "oh fine we can do it some other night but i'm hungry so i'll go with you to get a slice" "NO uh i mean you shouldn't; slices are really bad for your health when combined with your sedimentary lifestyle" "i always considered my lifestyle more igneous to be honest" "what? no you're totally a sedimentary guy" "well either way i've got a craving that can only be filled with a slice or two or ten" "OKAY FINE I WAS LYING TO COVER UP MY DEEP DARK SECRET" "deep dark secret?!" "tonight is the full moon, and i am secretly a wereblonde" "a wereblonde?" "my hair turns blonde under the full moon" "uh okay" "OKAY?! do you not realise how i just bared to you my darkest secret?!" "it's uh kind of underwhelming as far as 'darkest secrets' go" "UNDERWHELMING?! blonde is totally not my colour!!! it is a disaster!!!" "uh i'll bet" "OH NO IT'S HAPPENING" As the full moon rises into the sky, Emelyn's hair begins to transform from black to blonde. "DON'T LOOK AT ME" Emelyn rustles around in her pack and slaps a paper bag onto her head. "okay you can look now" "oh nice bag" "thanks i worked hard on it" "does anyone else know about your uh condition" "yeah i go to meetings each month to talk about it with other werecreatures" "i'm sure your stories are by far the most horrifying" "well i wouldn't go THAT far; the weretoilet has everyone beat" "eugh"

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
Resting at the balcony overlooking the Niagara Falls, Jakey spots Taylor in a canoe heading straight for the falls. "wait no stop!!! there is a peril ahead!!!" "no way jakey i'll just cruise along the surface of the water and make a ninety-degree downward angle change and continue skimming across the surface of the water until i hit the bottom of the downward flow, whereupon i will make a second ninety-degree angle change and cruise along the rest of the river" "that is against the laws of physics" "goddammit i need to call my congressman" Taylor hurtles off of the falls, and impacts hard upon the water below, shattering his canoe. "do you think the rental place will give me my deposit back"

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
"GUYS THEY'RE DISCONTINUING MOUNTAIN DEW PITCH BLACK AGAIN" "WHAT" "NO not after all we've fought for!!!" Stu hangs his head, knowing his hubris has let Jack White down. "he must be rolling in his grave right now" "no, actually, LOSERS" Jack Black throws Jack White's corpse onto the ground in front of him. "WHAT" "YOU MONSTER" "WHY DID YOU DIG UP JACK WHITE'S CORPSE?!" "so i could do THIS" Jack Black begins to teabag Jack White's corpse. "disgusting" "you 'people' aren't fit to be called such" "true; we are a superior breed; we connoisseurs of fine soft drinks, namely mountain dew VOLTAGE" "if mountain dew voltage was so great, why didn't they make a mountain dew voltage 2?!" "that's ridiculous; soft drinks don't get sequels" Stu holds up an old bottle of Mountain Dew Pitch Black II. Jack Black's spirit is crushed, along with any hope he'd had of proving Mountain Dew Voltage's supposed superiority.

CHAPTOUR SIX:
"i will strike you down so you never play this game again!!!" "no matter how much you strike me down, i will never quit!!!" "oh then maybe you'll change your mind if i strike down YOUR INTERNET GIRLFRIEND INSTEAD" "DON'T YOU DARE HARM QT503 SHE DID NOTHING TO DESERVE THIS" xXDeath_Angel69Xx strikes down qt503 with his mighty legendary blade, as ruxpin looks on in horror and weedpenis420 spams the dance emote, blasting the Six Flags song through his mic. "QT50333333333333333333333333333333333" "pssh nothin personnel kid" "SHE WAS AFK YOU MONSTER" As ruxpin mourns the death of his internet girlfriend, HeteroErectus enters the server. "YOOOOOOOOO WHAT IS UP MY NEGROES" "qt503................................................. I WILL AVENGE YOU" ruxpin lets loose a mighty battle cry and charges full-tilt into xXDeath_Angel69Xx as HeteroErectus joins weedpenis420's dance party.

CHAPTOUR SEVEN:
"sheriff have you found the evidence for me" "yes check these babies out" Sheriff Antony hands Taylor a few blurry photographs. "YES WITH THESE BURRY PHOTOGRAPHS, JAKEY WILL HAVE TO ADMIT THAT HE DID IT" Taylor cackles as he takes the burry photographs over to Jakey. "jakey admit it, YOU stole my prized debbie does dallas collector's plates!!!" "what no" "YES YOU DID AND I HAVE THE BLURRY PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE TO PROVE IT" Taylor holds up an incredibly blurry photograph. "..." "..." "listen i don't REMEMBER doing it but i guess in light of this evidence i had to have done it" Jakey holds out his arms and Sheriff Antony slaps a pair of handcuffs on him.

CHAPTOUR EIGHT:
Brucie rings the doorbell, and Sophia answers her door. "hello miss sophia i picked this flower for you" "oh thanks" "are you ready to go out on our date" "oh yeah what are we doing" "we're going out to eat of course" "uh that doesn't sound very romantic" "what" "what?" "going out to eat is like THE standard date thing" "why though" "you know, good conversation over good food" "i wouldn't ever describe food as 'good'" "what" "it's something we need to survive, sure, but would you describe air as 'good'?" "uh no" "see? there you go" "sophia, what kinds of foods have you eaten in your lifetime" "hungry man dinners" "..." "..." "you've only ever eaten hungry man dinners?!" "uh yeah i've got a freezer full of them" "and it never occurred to you to buy something else?!" "buy? what? these have just always been here ever since i moved in" "what" "i thought it was a standard feature in all modern dwellings" "..." "..." "i am going to buy you a pizza" "i don't know that sounds kind of sketchy"

CHAPTOUR NINE:
"hello my friends and welcome to the alabama national zoo; i am going to take you on a trip through the wild world of alabama!!! let us dive in" Bran the tourguide leads Taylor and Bendik through the zoo to a large cage. "here we see a jakey in its natural habitat" "oh wow" Taylor and Bendik peer through the bars. "I FUCKING HATE THIS GAME" Jakey holds his head in his hands, staring at the game over screen. He then picks his controller back up and tries again. "wow" "jakeys subsist on a diet of mountain dew and sticks of butter" "..." "..." "how" "it's one of nature's greatest mysteries" Bran leads the tour down the hall to the next exhibit. "here we have the rare sheriff antony doing its mating call; what a sight" "YEEHAW" Sheriff Antony bounces up and down, firing his twin revolvers wildly into the air. "i'm scared" "it's all right; you are in no danger unless you smuggled in an attractive female" "uh ha ha ha of course i didn't what would ever make you think i did such a thing" "so that long black mass of hair on your chest is actually yours?" "yeah man you don't have manly chest hair like this? i pity you"

CHAPTOUR TEN:
Bran walks up to the baseball diamond, watching Agnew hit pitch after pitch. "man what's so great about this baseball thing anyway" Agnew stops and turns in place as a baseball hits him square in the jaw. He does not flinch. "baseball is the greatest art and the ultimate form of expression" "you're just hitting balls and running around a bit" "you canNOT tell me that you can hear the sound of the ball striking wood without getting some wood of your own" "uh yeah i totally can say that and i wouldn't even be lying" "oh i'm sorry i didn't realise you were a eunuch" "wh-WHAT" "it's okay man we've all got issues" "WAIT NO YOU LISTEN HERE-" It's too late for Bran to get through to Agnew, as his attention has turned completely back to baseball. After several minutes of trying, Bran eventually gives up and sees Bendik holding balloons and a cake. "hey man i heard about the whole eunuch thing and i just want to say it's okay; we can still be friends" "WAIT WAIT WAIT"

CHAPTOUR ELEVEN:
"guys bad news svart is trying to halt the earth's rotation and create an eternal daytime" "what" "that's ridiculous and also horrible" "we should gather an adventuring party to stop him" "okay" "sounds good" "let's see, there's me, bran, taylor, brucie, sheriff antony, bendik, so we need some girls probably" The gang splits up and finds a bunch of girls to fill out the rest of the party, giving them a party of nine. Just as they're about to set out, Gwendolyn walks up. "hey what's this i hear about a plot to make an eternal daytime" "oh yeah well there's this guy right and he wants to do exactly what you just said" "WHAT no i can't be having that; vampires can't survive a normal daytime letalone an eternal one" "well we're going on an adventure to stop the evil guy from achieving his goals" "oh oh can i come" "i don't see why not" "b-b-but sh-she's a v-vampire!!! sh-she b-b-bites p-people's n-necks wh-while th-they s-sleep!!!" "that is an offensive stereotype; i get all of my blood-related nutrients from bottled brands like ichorfina" "b-b-but wh-where d-do th-THEY g-get th-the b-blood" Gwendolyn shrugs.

CHAPTOUR TWELVE:
"finally we have caught up with you svart!!! tell us why you are doing this thing that you do!!!" "I AM SO SICK OF YOU PEOPLE SLEEPING ALL THE TIME; NIGHT IN AND NIGHT OUT, SLEEPING; SO I HAVE COME UP WITH A GENIUS PLAN - IF I GET RID OF NIGHTTIME; NO ONE WILL EVER BE ABLE TO SLEEP AGAIN" "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "what" "it stands to reason; everyone goes to sleep every night so if i get rid of night then they can't go to sleep" "..." "..." "..." "that's... not how it works" "oh come on there is definitely a correlation here" "correlation does not imply causation you donut" "dude no; a thing happens, then another thing always follows; that's causality" "no that's called a schedule" "oh come on; if it were a choice, surely people would sleep in the daytime instead of at night; in this case, it's clear that one thing leads to another" "sleep is a biological imperitive!!!" "no, it's a bad habit" "you can't seriously believe that" "i believe it because it is true; show me one peer-reviewed study saying otherwise" Bran pulls out his phone and shows Svart a peer-reviewed study on sleep. "you can't believe everything you read on the internet" "please stop you're embarrassing yourself" "I HAVE NOT YET BEGUN TO EMBARRASS MYSELF" A gunshot rings out and pierces Svart's skull. "sheriff antony we agreed to shoot him after w-" "that wasn't me" "then who-" "IT WAS I, THE REAL MASTERMIND BEHIND THE PLOT" Eif slides down the banister of the spiral staircase. "ooh that looks fun" "so why are YOU doing this" "simple; if people can't use the cover of nighttime to get to sleep, they will be forced to buy my LATEST AND GREATEST PRODUCT" Eif rips a giant tarp off of the top of a crate of sleeping blindfolds. "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "..." "you spent all this time and money just to sell a few thousand blindfolds?!" "gotta spend money to make money" "there's no way you could recoup your losses after how much it cost to stop the earth's rotation and send armed troops to every city on the planet" "oh you're thinking small; these blindfolds are made to fall apart and become unusable after seven days out of their packaging; people will buy more and more and more just to get a little sleep" "you're inhuman" "and not a cool kind of inhuman like that vampire i want to hold hands with and kiss on the face" "wait wha-" "you know, i was having problems bringing myself to kill that other guy because he must have had brain damage, but i've got no problems with killing you" "ha i'd like to see you try; i've got indestructable armour" Sheriff Antony shoots Eif right in the chest, causing him to bleed profusely. "in retrospect, i probably should have put the armour on BEFORE coming out here" Eif falls over dead, and Bran presses the button to resume the earth's rotation. "all's well that ends well" "you said it taylor"

CHAPTOUR THIRTEEN:
"mother i have returned" "who are you" "your son, tony" "i don't have a son" "but wait that means..." Tony begins to fade from existence. "..." "..." "how did" "lo all" Stevman teleports in on his time machine, does a kneeslide, and plays a powerchord. "THAT'S OUR STEVMAN" Michelle walks up to the group and rests her arms on their shoulders. "take me home"
THE END