Pokémon BlazingSun and TranquilMoon [OLD VERSION]

The sixth entry in the Pokémon series, after Pokémon InfernoRed and OceanBlue, Pokémon GlitteringGold and ShimmeringSilver, Pokémon VolcanicRuby and TidalSapphire, Pokémon InfiniteDiamond and BoundlessPearl, and Pokémon EternityX and OblivionY.

CHAPTOUR ONE:
"well luna, we're all moved into our new home in alola" "what a stupid name" "luna, i will NOT tolerate you insulting palindromes to my face" "HELLO NEW FAMILY" "OH GOD IT'S A BURGLAR" Luna's mother hits the invader with a frying pan. "ow fuck no i'm not a burglar i'm professor kakui!!!" "nice try burglar; someone as distinguished as a professor would knock and wait to be let in!!!" "what no don't be silly now check it out: i want to give your daughter and a mentally-challenged boy both a Pokémon" "oh boy; luna go with this rude man" "i'd uh rather not" "don't be silly come along" The professor grabs Luna by the arm and drags her off to town. "don't forget your chicken hat!!!" Luna's mother tosses Luna's chicken hat onto her head. "great now i'm being kidnapped AND i look ridiculous"
"okay you wait here while i go get everything set up" Luna looks back and forth, and spots a cave entrance. She sprints inside and ends up facing a bridge. A flock of Spearow are attacking a lone puffy Pokémon as a blonde girl watches. Needing to get out quickly, Luna sprints across the bridge, but it collapses. Unluckily, Luna isn't able to be washed down the river, as she is saved by a legendary Pokémon. "HEY now you listen here lady; my name is lillie and I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THIS STORY SO DON'T GO GETTING ANY IDEAS" "wha-" "now let's get back on track with LILLIE ADVENTURES" Lillie grabs Luna by the arm and drags her back into town. Her hands are warm and clammy, and her perfume is overbearing. Lillie hucks Luna onto the stage. "ah there you are; now you can choose between these three Pokémon" "i'll take this cute seal" "he evolves into THIS" Kakui holds up a photo of Pimarina. "uh on second thought this cat boy is dope" "he evolves into THIS" Kakui holds up a photo of Incineroar. "the owl definitely the owl" Kakui holds up a photo of Decidueye. "OH COME ON" Luna grabs an empty Pokéball and hucks it randomly into the previous route, capturing a Pikachu. "PIKACHU IS MY STARTER" "he evolves into THIS" Kakui holds up a photo of Alolan Raichu. "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK"

CHAPTOUR TWO:
"and this is the trainer's school!!!" "uh cool" "come on in and we'll brush up on learning!!!" "uh no thanks" "what" "did green/crystal/may/dawn/serena need a school when she became champion? no way i'm out and off to the first gym" "the first what" "G Y M you know, the things where you go to get badges and the guy's all like 'yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING'" "we uh don't have those here in alola" "WHAT" "see, this is why you need the trainer's school; let's go!!!" "no way; i'm hopping on the first boat to a real region" Lillie lays a huge smack down onto Luna's face. "NO THIS IS LILLIE ADVENTURES; ONLY LILLIE GETS TO GO TO KANTO AND THAT IS ONLY AFTER WE'VE RESOLVED ALL OF LILLIE'S PROBLEMS" "p-professor h-help" "oh i'll help you all right; i'll help you by telling you all about lillie!!! lillie is so cute cuddly LOVE HER want her to ride me all day warm hair so cute so amazing love her need her lillie!!!" "uh-" "here are five facts about lillie!!! 1: lillie is a human!!! 2: she's cute!!! 3: i love her!!! 4: lillie!!!" "h-hau? p-please help" "oh i'll help you all right; i'll help you by telling you all about malasadas!!! malasada is so cute cuddly LOVE IT want to eat it all day warm crunch so cute so amazing love it need it malasadas!!!" "uh-" "here are five facts about malasadas!!! 1: malasada is a food!!! 2: it's cute!!! 3: i love it!!! 4: malasadas!!!" "i hate my life"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
Luna is finally able to head into town for the first time, and decides to completely change her appearance, so that no one will recognise her, and she can slip away. "LUNA HEY LUNA WHERE'D YOU GO" "rats she got away" "well we'll have to replace her" "this blonde girl will do" Lillie yanks Luna out of the crowd. "you will be the new luna and participate in lillie adventures!!!" "HELP POLICE I'M BEING KIDNAPPED" "do not worry we will keep you safe" "we won't let you get away as well" Lillie handcuffs herself to Luna. "come on new luna let's go have some lillie adventures" Lillie drags Luna across the island, participating in boring trials and enjoying quality Lillie time.

INTERMISSION ONE:
Green floats along the surface of the pool in Misty's gym, lying on her inflatable raft. After she and Crystal left Mt. Silver, Crystal had separated the Kanto and Johto leagues so they could both be champion of their respective region. As champion, Green can use any official gym for any purpose she wants, including floating around Misty's pool for hours. Green does this so often that Misty has had to open a second gym on the cape near Bill's house. Green could always get her own pool with her champion's clout, but why bother? Misty's is more than good enough. "this is the life, right, venusaur? milotic? just floating along, not lost on top of a mountain" Green had also started construction of a great road that eliminates the need for cave paths through Kanto, exiled any guard who complained about his thirst to Hoenn, and made locomotion tiles completely illegal. Things couldn't be any better for her.
"MISS CHAMPION MISS CHAMPION WE'VE GOT TROUBLE" "is it team rocket again?" "NO WORSE; A POKéMON IS TERRORISING US FROM WITHIN CERULEAN CAVE" "c-c-cave?!" "YOU'VE GOT TO HELP US CHAMPION!!!" "can't misty do it?" "she tried but the Pokémon absolutely destroyed her!!!" "well call for brock or sabrina i'm busy" "we did but the Pokémon also destroyed them!!!" Green begins to panic internally. She knows that if she goes into Cerulean Cave, she get lost in there for years, just like with Mt. Silver. "uh HEY what's that?!" "WHERE" The man turns around, and Green hops into the pool to hide. Unfortunately, she can't swim and begins to drown. Venusaur pulls her up with his vines. "oh good you're up let's go" "listen, sir, i will level with you: just the thought of going into a cave or seeing a golduck triggers my mt. silver PTSD" "what" "i got lost inside mt. silver for two years and have been terrified of caves ever since" "have you never heard of an escape rope?" "a what now" The man slaps his face and walks with Green to the Pokémart. "see this? it's a rope that you use to escape from a cave instantly" "by tying a noose and escaping this mortal coil? no way man" "i hate you so much" "the feeling is mutual now that you've basically told me to kill myself" "OH GOD IT'S HERE IT'S HERE" "a ha!!! my plan to wait and see if the Pokémon comes out of the cave has succeeded!!!" Green exits the Pokémart and heads to face Mewtwo. "eat purple Pokéball demon!!!" Green hucks a master ball at Mewtwo, capturing it instantly. "and i didn't even have to commit suicide" "fuck you" "CHAMPION GREEN!!!" "CHAMPION GREEN HAS SAVED US!!!" "YAY FOR MISS GREEN!!!" The citizens of Cerulean City raise Green to the air and carry her around town, celebrating her lazy and cowardly triumph.

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
"kids, i'd like to invite you all to AETHER PARADISE; the high-technology manmade island retreat for Pokémon!!!" "oh wow that sounds nice" "that sounds like a cult" "luna do you always have to be so negative?!" "you tell her lillie" "now i have lillie things to do so i am transferring luna's leash to you, hau" "oh boy oh boy!!! let's go to aether paradise" "no way; i don't want to be brainwashed or raped" "live a little luna!!! let's goooooooo!!!" Luna and Hau board a ship to the Aether Paradise.
"welcome to aether paradise; our leader is upstairs" "hello i am lusamine and i love Pokémon" "see luna?! she loves Pokémon!!! she can't be bad" "unlike CERTAIN DAUGHTERS who are not worthy of my love; Pokémon deserve all of my love and i have built this paradise so they can receive all of my love" "hau, this is DEFINITELY a cult" "no way!!! miss lusamine is so nice!!!" Luna slaps her face with her one free hand. Eventually, she and Hau are able to board the boat and head onward to the next island.
"HORRIBLE NEWS!!! LILLIE HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED!!!" "YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS" "WHAT HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN" "hau, take luna on more boring trials while i track down lillie so you can rescue her!!!" "can do professor!!!"

INTERMISSION TWO:
Crystal has been the sole champion of the new Johto-only league for some time. Since establishing Johto with an independent league, Crystal has replaced Jasmine and Whitney as gym leaders. She'd almost replaced Clair, but she had received a heartfelt apology just prior to making the phonecall, so she decided to let her stay. Goldenrod City's gym has been taken over by none other than Youngster Joey and his top percentage Ratatta. In spite of trainers facing a level 100 Pokémon, there have actually been less complaints of gym difficulty since Whitney left. Since challengers are so infrequent, Crystal mostly spends her time talking on the phone and eating Slowpoke tails. Her slowpoke tail business is positively booming, with people coming from all over to taste the delicious and nutritious snack, raising Johto's tourism levels by a lot.
One day, Crystal received a call from Eusine. Crystal gets phonecalls all the time, but this one seemed more urgent than Eusine's usual proclamations of love for Suicune. Crystal hurries to his location outside of Cerulean City. "psst crystal it's me; eusine" "yeah i got your phonecall what's up" "suicune!!! is!!! right!!! there!!!" Eusine points through the bushes toward Suicune, whose fur shines as she stands on the cape. "so? go talk to her" "b-but what do i say?! i've loved her for so long!!!" "start with 'hello'" "does suicune like guys who say 'hello'?!" "i'd be worried if she didn't" "okay okay i've got this" Eusine straightens himself out, and walks over to Suicune. "h-hello s-suicune" Suicune turns to look at Eusine. Eusine stands paralysed with nerves. "psst eusine tell her she looks good" "y-you look b-beautiful s-suicune!!!" Suicune's eyes sparkle in the sunlight. "psst eusine ask her if she wants to go out for lunch" "h-hey s-suicune y-you want t-to go out f-for lunch?" Suicune holds out her paw. "psst eusine grab her paw gently and lead her to a restaurant" Eusine lightly grabs Suicune's paw, and the two walk, paw-in-hand, to Cerulean City proper. "well my work here is done" Crystal turns to see Entei staring at her with a bouquet of flowers in his mouth. "uh i'm flattered entei but typhlosion is the only fire-type for me" Tears well up in Entei's eyes as he flees, heartbroken. "ENTEI WAIT DON'T CRY WE CAN STILL BE FRIENDS"

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
"LUNA it was team skull who kidnapped lillie!!! go to their hideout and EXTERMINATE THEM" "you heard the professor luna; go get 'em" Hau un-handcuffs himself from Luna, and shoves her into Team Skull's town. "yo dog why you be comin in here this is team skull's turf" "I WANT TO JOIN YOU I WANT TO RAP WITH YOU AND LIVE IN THIS BEAUTIFUL TOWN" "yeah right you're just here to get back that lillie girl we kidnapped for the boss" "NO PLEASE BELIEVE ME I LOVE YOUR uh PINK HAIR AND THOSE BANDANAS ARE SUPER-FASHIONABLE PLEASE LET ME JOIN" "no way man we ain't fallin for your tricks yo" The Team Skull grunts grab Luna and march her up to the boss. "YO IT'S YOUR BOY GUMZA" "LORD GUZMA I SUBMIT MYSELF TO YOUR WILL PLEASE LET ME JOIN TEAM SKULL OR EXECUTE ME I AM NOT PICKY" "no way fool battle me" Guzma sends out Golisopod, and Luna sends out Pikachu. Luna's Pikachu wins easily. "WHAT i am recoiling from this defeat yo!!! must retreat to aether paradise, which is where lillie was taken!!!" "BOSS WAIT" Guzma retreats, leaving Luna alone with Team Skull in their hideout. "okay, since your boss was a PUSS, i, LUNA, am now queen of team skull!!!" "..." "..." Team Skull tosses Luna out of their hideout, where she is reunited with Hau. "i heard it all luna!!! lillie is in the aether paradise!!! there is no time to waste!!!" Hau handcuffs Luna to him and drags her away. "please let me join team skull"

CHAPTOUR SIX:
"UNHAND LILLIE YOU FREAKS" "here for lillie are you?! well we won't let you have her!!! WE LOVE LILLIE MORE THAN ANYONE!!!" "NO; IT IS WE WHO LOVE LILLIE THE MOST!!! TELL 'EM LUNA" "I JUST WANT TO GO HOME" Hau defeats all of the Aether Foundation's grunts and runs for Lusamine's room, where they find Lillie. "oh i'm so glad you came!!!" "ANYTHING FOR LILLIE!!!" "lusamine is actually my mother!!! we have to stop her!!!" "RIGHT AWAY LILLIE!!!" Hau passes Luna over to Lillie, and Lillie drags her into the next room. "BEHOLD; AN ULTRA BEAST FROM AN ALTERNATE DIMENSION!!! I WILL FUSE WITH IT AND SHOW IT MY LOVE!!! WHICH YOU SO CRUELLY REJECTED LILLIE!!!" "see luna, lusamine is the villain because she is the only character who doesn't love lillie" Lusamine retreats into a wormhole, leaving Lillie and Luna behind. "we've got to catch her!!! but first!!! it's time for a lillie makeover!!!" Lillie chains Luna to a post and heads to the next room to change while Luna attempts to gnaw her arm off.
"TA-DA!!! check out the new and improved lillie!!! do you love it or DO YOU LOVE IT!!!" "your ponytail looks stupid" "..." "..." "YOU DARE TO INSULT LILLIE?!" Lillie stomps up to Luna and begins slapping her on the face. "THESE ARE LILLIE'S ADVENTURES AND YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL TO BE A PART OF THEM"

INTERMISSION THREE:
Since becoming champion of Hoenn, May has settled down in Pacifidlog Town, a city floating on Corsola. May's use of explosives to reshape Hoenn has proven very popular; she's blown a hole in the rock wall sealing off Sootopolis City, blown up the small ledges between Meteor Falls and Rustboro, and between Mt. Pyre and Mauvile, and she's also completely destroyed the Lillycove City contest hall, replacing it with a statue of a trumpet. With Kyogre and Groudon calmed down, May has simply been able to float along the waters of Hoenn and relax.
One day, though, Wattson approaches her with an idea. "CHAMPION MAY CHECK IT OUT" Wattson slams a blueprint onto the table. "what is this" "it's a design for a new and improved mauvile city!!!" "it looks like just a big mall" "yeah i know!!! cool, huh?!" "no-" "so i just need your signature here so we can start building!!!" "no; this is stupid" "..." "..." "okay so um problem: we already built it" "WHAT" "well i was sure you'd say yes because it's obviously an amazing idea so-" "that is NOT COOL WATTSON; i'm the champion!!! all major projects run through me!!!" "yeah well uh you see, would you consider laying down a single brick to be a major project" "no" "would you consider laying down another brick on top of that one a major project" "no" "would you consider laying down a third brick a major project" "no" "SEE?! no one brick changes it to being a major project!!! we were just setting down a single brick over and over and it turned into this!!!" "you were following a blueprint" "stop changing the subject" "wattson, i'm going to throw you in jail now" "fair enough; i'll probably die soon anyway BUT AT LEAST I'VE ACHIEVED MY DREAM OF REDESIGNING MAUVILE CITY" "yeah we're also going to bulldoze mallvile city and change it back" "please don't" "i've already called for the bulldozers"

CHAPTOUR SEVEN:
"now it's time for lillie to crest the peak!!! with my cute new outfit, i'm ready for action!!!" "lillie you're hurting me" "GOOD" Lillie drags Luna along the ground until they reach a brown midget with huge eyebrows. "hello there i'm hapu i am going to escort you up the mountain" "oh nice!!!" Hapu exudes a horrible stench, and it mixes with Lillie's strong perfume to create the worst scent ever known to man. Mucus drips wildly from Luna's nose and mouth, similar to the effects of mustard gas. "oh quit overreacting you big baby let's go" Lillie drags Luna up the mountain as the fluids drain from her body. "need water" "what do you think this is, hoenn?! keep moving"
"well this is as far as i can take you; inside this cave is a deadly trial only able to be completed by the bravest of souls" "this trial is no match for lillie!!! luna go and complete that trial" Lillie drags Luna into the cave. With Hapu descending the mountain, Luna's sinuses clear up. "I CAN BREATHE" "luna you're not here to breathe you're here to help lillie!!!" Luna and Pikachu pass the trial, and are dragged forward by Lillie. "here we are; the altar of the eclipse" "uh cool" "now i need you to stand over there while i stand here and we will both play these two flutes at once" "i don't know how to play-" Lillie slaps Luna across the face. "DID I SAY YOU COULD TALK BACK TO LILLIE?!" Lillie puts a leash around Luna's neck and un-handcuffs them. Luna and Lillie stand on opposite platforms and play their flutes, opening a portal to Ultra Space. "okay let's go" Lillie yanks Luna over to her, slaps on the handcuffs, and leaps into the portal.
"a ha ha ha ha ha FOOLISH CHILD now that i have fused with nihelgo I AM UNSTOPPABLE" "no way!!! luna will stop you!!!" Lillie shoves Luna forward. "go pikachu" Pikachu destroys Lusamine's team. "nooooooo" "THAT'S what you get for messing with LILLIE" Lillie leaps back through the portal, dragging Luna and Lusamine along with her. "and that concludes lillie adventures!!! you're free to go" Lillie releases Luna from the handcuffs completely, with Lillie Adventures concluded. Luna immediately sprints full-tilt in the direction she's facing, running off the edge of the cliff and into the ocean below.

INTERMISSION FOUR:
As champion of Sinnoh, Dawn has done much to better the lives of the region's people. Hearthome City was completely destroyed by a bulldozer, and Mt. Coronet was blown up to make travelling the region less annoying. Free breathing masks are given out at the edges of Floaroma Town to all who suffer from hay fever. Roark was replaced as gym leader by someone who doesn't suck. Most importantly, bicycles were made illegal to ride, and Cycling Road was turned into Road. Dawn's changes to Sinnoh were met with more resistance than May's changes to Hoenn, but a large number of dissenters were found murdered in their homes, the only clue being a single strand of long blonde hair. Dawn mostly spends her time at her villa at the Battle Frontier, but one day, she decided to visit Canalave City.
"champion champion oh please help" "what seems to be the problem, citizen" "it's my son, he hasn't woken up for days!!!" "are you sure he's not just lazy" "he is suffering from nightmares!!! it's the work of darkrai over on newmoon island i know it!!!" "oh i hate that fucker; he's the one who keeps giving me nightmares about amity park" "so will you help?!" "fuck yeah i'm going to go show that darkrai sinnohan justice" Dawn reaches down to hitch up her pants authoritatively, but she's wearing a short skirt so everyone sees her underwear. "um can you all just forget what happened" "uh totally i also totally won't post it online" "thanks" Dawn boards a boat out to Newmoon Island, and finds Darkrai rather quickly. "GO TORTERRA" Dawn sends out Torterra, but nothing happens. "uh, torterra?" Torterra turns around and inside his shell is Cynthia. "now we can be together FOREVER" Dawn startles awake, lying on the ground on the island. "OH THAT IS IT DARKRAI; GO TORTERRA" Torterra comes out properly this time, and sensing Dawn's distress, he brutally attacks Darkrai. Darkrai is knocked out quickly, and Dawn rushes over to stomp on his face. "DIE YOU ABOMINATION OF NATURE" Dawn grabs Darkrai's carcass and drags it onto the boat, returning to Canalave City. "CITIZENS I HAVE SLAIN DARKRAI" "..." "what?" "I DIDN'T MEAN FOR YOU TO KILL IT" "what" "I JUST WANTED YOU TO SEND IT TO A SHITTY REGION LIKE ALOLA OR SOMETHING"

CHAPTOUR EIGHT:
Luna wakes up outside an unfamiliar building. "where am i" "oh luna good you're awake; i found you floating in the sea and carried you up here so how did lillie adventures go" "it was the worst experience of my life" "good good so check it out: this is the new alolan Pokémon league!!! i was going to make lillie the champion but she declined so i'm offering you a chance!!! if you defeat the elite four, you can be alola's first ever champion!!!" "and i get to shape the rules and regulations of the alola region?!" "yes indeed" Luna rubs her hands together with mirth, and sprints into the Pokémon League building. "yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING welcome to the Pokémon league!!! good luck!!!" "thank you friend" Luna enters the challenge room, and swiftly defeats Hala, Olivia, and Acerola, and gets to Kahili, the final member of the elite four. As Luna enters the room, Kahili sighs. "hello trainer; did kakui force you into this as well" "yeah what's your story" "i was the last lucky winner of the lillie lottery; i had to go on the original set of lillie adventures" "r-really?!" "yeah, afterward i found myself unable to ever smile again" "oh dear arceus" "luna?" "yeah?" "please become champion and fix this shitty region" "i intend to, kahili, i intend to" Luna swiftly defeats Kahili's Pokémon and heads up to the champion's room, to find an empty throne. Luna swallows hard and sits down on her throne. "i heard you talking with kahili, luna" "what?!" Kakui enters the chamber, dragging Kahili behind him. "your reign will not last long enough to do ANYTHING to harm our lillie!!!" "you're wrong; with the help and dreams of pikachu, kahili, and that guy who said 'yo champ in the making', i WILL DEFEAT YOU" Kahili, with her last ounce of strength, rolls her Pokeballs over to Luna before passing out. "thank you, kahili, it is time!!! GO TOUCANNON" "GO LYCANROC" Luna and Kakui have a battle for the ages, trading blows. Kauki manages to defeat some of the Pokémon Kahili leant to Luna, but Pikachu is able to land the final blow on Kakui's Pokémon. "i'm sorry, lillie" Kakui collpases to the floor. "i've failed you"

HALL OF FAME:
Pikachu (level 100)
Skarmoury (level 54)
Crobat (level 54)
Oricorio (level 54)
Mandibuzz (level 54)
Toucannon (level 55)

CHAPTOUR NINE:
Luna and Kahili stand atop a stage in front of all Alola, either in person or on television. "lillie adventures are finally over, as are the trial system; starting now, we are creating actual gyms" "we have handed each of you a flyer for the new alolan Pokémon league" The flyer says that Ilima, Hala, Mallow, Kiawe, Sophocoles, Molayne, Mina, and Ryuki will be gym leaders, Olivia, Acerola, Guzma, and Kahili will be the Elite Four, and Luna will be the champion. Hapu was offered a gym leader position if she bathed, but she refused. "further, kakui has been stripped of his title as professor, and his sister will be taking over his duties" "and both kakui and lillie will be imprisoned indefinitely" "a happy ending for all" Free of Lillie's tyranny, the citizens of Alola begin badmouthing her like they'd always wanted to do.
THE END