Pokémon Ultra BlazingSun and Ultra TranquilMoon [OBSOLETE]

The sixth entry in the Pokémon series, after Pokémon NoxiousViolet and SoaringOrange, Pokémon BeamingCobalt and GlisteningZinc, Pokémon ThunderousTopaz and OceanicOpal, LimitlessLapis and BorderlessPyrite, and ImmortalA and ComatoseB. An alternate universe retelling of Pokémon BlazingSun and TranquilMoon.

CHAPTOUR ONE:
"well luna, we're all moved into our new home in alola" "well golly gee whiz i sure am glad we moved to THIS particular shithole" "luna i am very tired of your attitude first you 'lose' your chicken hat and now this; go and play in the tall grass" "my pleasure" Luna heads out to play in the tall grass and feel the sweet release of death, but her life is tragically saved by three Alolan Pokémon. "HELLO NEW GIRL" "damn" "take one of these three Pokémon and roll on" "i'll take this cute seal" "he evolves into THIS" Kukui holds up a photo of Primarina. "uh on second thought this cat boy is dope" "he evolves into THIS" Kukui holds up a photo of Incineroar. "the owl definitely the owl" Kukui holds up a photo of Decidueye. "..." "..." "fine i'll pick the stupid cat and give it an everstone" "wise decision" "HELLOOOOOOOOO PROFESSOR KUKUI where's the Pokémon at i can't wait to start my journey with litten" "uh luna already chose litten" "uh it was just a joke i actually wanted rowlet" Hau picks up Rowlet, a single tear streaming down his cheek.

CHAPTOUR TWO:
"okay you wait here while i go get everything set up" Luna looks back and forth, and spots a cave entrance. She sprints inside and ends up facing a bridge. A flock of Spearow attacks a lone puffy Pokémon as a blonde girl watches. Needing to get out quickly, Luna sprints across the bridge, but it collapses. Unluckily, Luna isn't able to be washed down the river, as she is saved by a legendary Pokémon. "HEY now you listen here lady; my name is lillie and I'M THE MAIN CHARACTER OF THIS STORY SO DON'T GO GETTING ANY IDEAS" "wha-" "now let's get back on track with LILLIE ADVENTURES" Lillie grabs Luna by the arm and drags her back into town. Her hands are warm and clammy, and her perfume is overbearing. "dear arceus above help me"

CHAPTOUR THREE:
"and this is the trainer's school!!!" "uh cool" "come on in and we'll brush up on learning!!!" "uh no thanks" "what" "did sabrina/clair/flannery/candice/valerie need a school when she became champion? no way i'm out and off to the first gym" "the first what" "G Y M you know, the things where you go to get badges and the guy's all like 'yo CHAMP IN THE MAKING'" "we uh don't have those here in alola" "WHAT" "see, this is why you need the trainer's school; let's go!!!" "no way; i'm hopping on the first boat to a real region" Lillie lays a huge smack down onto Luna's face. "NO THIS IS LILLIE ADVENTURES; ONLY LILLIE GETS TO GO TO KANTO AND THAT IS ONLY AFTER WE'VE RESOLVED ALL OF LILLIE'S PROBLEMS" "p-professor h-help" "oh i'll help you all right; i'll help you by telling you all about lillie!!! lillie is so cute cuddly LOVE HER want her to ride me all day warm hair so cute so amazing love her need her lillie!!!" "uh-" "here are five facts about lillie!!! 1: lillie is a human!!! 2: she's cute!!! 3: i love her!!! 4: lillie!!!" "h-hau? p-please help" "just like you 'helped' yourself to litten?! no way bud you're on you're own; i'm off to eat some malasadas"

CHAPTOUR FOUR:
Luna is finally able to head into town for the first time, and decides to completely change her appearance, so that no one will recognise her, and she can slip away. "LUNA HEY LUNA WHERE'D YOU GO" "rats she got away" "well we'll have to replace her" "this rusty brown-haired girl will do" Lillie yanks Luna out of the crowd. "you will be the new luna and participate in lillie adventures!!!" "HELP POLICE I'M BEING KIDNAPPED" "do not worry we will keep you safe" "we won't let you get away as well" Lillie handcuffs herself to Luna. "come on new luna let's go have some lillie adventures" Lillie drags Luna across the island, participating in boring trials and enjoying quality Lillie time, before passing off Luna to Hau.
"hey faggots, my name is gladion and i hate every single one of you" "what a coincidence; i hate luna as well" "all of you are fat, retarded no-lifes who spend every second of their day training stupid-ass Pokémon; you are everything bad in the world" "yeah luna is pretty retarded isn't she" "you're one to talk hau" "you are all faggots who should just kill yourselves" "GREAT ADVICE; luna you should totally take that advice" "you first"
Eventually, Luna gets to Mallow's trial. "okay so i need you to get me some ingredients to make my potion" "what's the potion for" "to summon a gigantic praying mantis for you to kill" "joy" Luna collects some ingredients, and puts them into Mallow's pot. "DOUBLE BUBBLE TOILET TROUBLE CAULDRON BURN WITH SCENT OF SNUBBULL" In a puff of smoke, a gigantic Lurantis appears. "it's trying to steal my lunch luna!!! KILL IT" "it is finally time for the sweet release of death" Luna holds out her arms, but Torracat bursts out of its Pokéball and burns the Lurantis to death. "not again"

CHAPTOUR FIVE:
"kids, i'd like to invite you all to AETHER PARADISE; the high-technology manmade island retreat for Pokémon!!!" "oh wow that sounds nice" "that sounds like a cult" "luna do you always have to be so negative?!" "you tell her lillie" "now i have lillie things to do so i am transferring luna's leash to you, hau" "oh boy oh boy let's go to aether paradise" "no way; i don't want to be brainwashed or raped" "that sounds like a fun watch; let's go" Luna and Hau board a ship to the Aether Paradise.
"welcome to aether paradise; our leader is upstairs i'm sure she'd love to meet you" "hello i am lusamine and i love Pokémon" "i too love Pokémon; especially LITTEN" "unlike CERTAIN DAUGHTERS who are not worthy of my love; Pokémon deserve all of my love and i have built this paradise so they can receive all of my love" "hau, this is DEFINITELY a cult" "i never said it wasn't" Luna slaps her face with her one free hand. Suddenly, a gigantic Nihelgo appears. "oh hey lillie what's up you're looking better than usual; have you been dieting? i'm glad you finally fixed those stupid uneven bangs" "i love it so much!!!" "i don't it's creepy kill it luna" "you don't have to ask me twice"

CHAPTOUR SIX:
Luna disembarks on the next island, and is immediately smacked down by Lillie. "I HEARD YOU TALKING SHIT" Kukui walks up to Luna and Lillie. "yo luna have you heard? this city has its very own Pokémon gym" "A GYM?!" "yeah you sh-" Luna races off, dragging Hau behind her. "professor is there really a gym here" "yeah but it's alolan propaganda; it's modeled after the worst gym ever so people won't question the trial system" "GENIUS"
Luna runs through the streets of the town until she finds a familiar symbol. "COULD IT BE?!" Luna storms into the building and hears the most beautiful voice she's ever heard. "YO CHAMP IN THE MAKING do you dare to dream big?! do you wanna be the VERY BEST like no one EVER FUCKING WAS?!" "FUCK YEAH" "well listen good!!! ryuki is a crafty, if unoriginal, man; he has hidden the two switches to get past his electric barrier inside two of these trash cans!!!" "WHAT" "also if you hit one switch and the next can you search isn't the one with the other switch, then the switches will reset and shuffle over to entirely different cans!!!" "..." "..." "oh no i see what this is" "what" "YOU'RE PURPOSELY MAKING GYMS LOOK BAD SO NO ONE WILL QUESTION THE TRIAL SYSTEM!!! NO ONE WOULD EVER DESIGN A GYM THIS TERRIBLE FOR ANY OTHER PURPOSE!!!" "that second statement, at least, is false" "i don't buy it for a second; i know your tricks"

CHAPTOUR SEVEN:
"HORRIBLE NEWS!!! LILLIE HAS BEEN KIDNAPPED!!!" "YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS" "WHAT HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN" "LUNA it was team skull who kidnapped lillie!!! go to their hideout and EXTERMINATE THEM" "you heard the professor luna; go get 'em" Hau un-handcuffs himself from Luna, and shoves her into Team Skull's town. "yo dog why you be comin in here this is team skull's turf" "I WANT TO JOIN YOU I WANT TO RAP WITH YOU AND LIVE IN THIS BEAUTIFUL TOWN" "yeah right you're just here to get back that lillie girl we kidnapped for the boss" "NO PLEASE BELIEVE ME I LOVE YOUR uh PINK HAIR AND THOSE BANDANAS ARE SUPER-FASHIONABLE PLEASE LET ME JOIN" "no way man we ain't fallin for your tricks yo" The Team Skull grunts grab Luna and march her up to the boss. "YO IT'S YOUR BOY GUMZA" "LORD GUZMA I SUBMIT MYSELF TO YOUR WILL PLEASE LET ME JOIN TEAM SKULL OR EXECUTE ME I AM NOT PICKY" "no way fool battle me" Guzma sends out Golisopod, and Luna sends out Torracat. Luna's Torracat wins easily. "WHAT i am recoiling from this defeat yo!!! must retreat to aether paradise, which is where lillie was taken!!!" "BOSS WAIT" Guzma retreats, leaving Luna alone with Team Skull in their hideout. "okay, since your boss was a PUSS, i, LUNA, am now queen of team skull!!!" "..." "..." Team Skull tosses Luna out of their hideout, where she is reunited with Hau. "i heard it all luna!!! lillie is in the aether paradise!!! there is no time to waste!!!" Hau handcuffs Luna to him and drags her away. "please let me join team skull"

CHAPTOUR EIGHT:
"UNHAND LILLIE YOU FREAKS" "here for lillie are you?! well we won't let you have her!!! WE LOVE LILLIE MORE THAN ANYONE!!!" "NO; IT IS WE WHO LOVE LILLIE THE MOST!!! TELL 'EM LUNA" "I JUST WANT TO GO HOME" "YOU GET IN THERE AND SAVE LILLIE!!!" Hau shoves Luna into the next room as he prepares to fight the Aether Foundation's grunts. "greetings earthling we are the ULTRA RECON SQUAD" "SICK" "we are sick, aren't we?" "please let me join you" "okay you go into the next room and help lusamine defeat the evil necrozma!!!" "YES I TOTALLY WILL" Luna excitedly rushes into the next room, where she finds Lillie and Lusamine. "oh good luna there you are lusamine is actually my mother!!! we have to stop her!!!" Lillie handcuffs herself to Luna and drags her into the next room. "DO NOT TRY TO STOP ME DAUGHTER AND DAUGHTER'S MINION; I, LUSAMINE, WILL SAVE THE WORLD!!! EVEN YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL PISSANT, WILL BE SAVED!!!" "YOU GO GIRL" Luna begins to cheer Lusamine on. "2 4 6 8 WHO DO WE APPRECIATE?! LU-SA-MI-NE LU-SA-MI-NE" "LUNA YOU FUCKING BITCH" Lillie slaps Luna upside the head. "YOU CAN'T SAVE THE WORLD MOTHER IT MIGHT HURT COSMOG" "can't make an omlette without cracking a few eggs" "WHO ASKED YOU?!" Lillie smacks Luna once again. "FAREWELL DAUGHTER; NEXT YOU SEE ME, I SHALL BE A HERO!!!" Lusamine hops into a wormhole, her loyal sidekick Guzma trailing behind her. "we've got to catch her!!! but first!!! it's time for a lillie makeover!!!" Lillie chains Luna to a post and heads to the next room to change while Luna attempts to gnaw her arm off.
"TA-DA!!! check out the new and improved lillie!!! do you love it or DO YOU LOVE IT!!!" "your ponytail looks stupid" "..." "..." "YOU DARE TO INSULT LILLIE?!" Lillie stomps up to Luna and begins slapping her on the face. "THESE ARE LILLIE'S ADVENTURES AND YOU SHOULD BE GRATEFUL TO BE A PART OF THEM"

CHAPTOUR NINE:
"now it's time for lillie to crest the peak!!! with my cute new outfit, i'm ready for action!!!" "lillie you're hurting me" "GOOD" Lillie drags Luna along the ground until they reach a brown midget with huge eyebrows. "hello there i'm hapu i am going to escort you up the mountain" "oh nice!!!" Hapu exudes a horrible stench, and it mixes with Lillie's strong perfume to create the worst scent ever known to man. Mucus drips wildly from Luna's nose and mouth, similar to the effects of mustard gas. "oh quit overreacting you big baby let's go" Lillie drags Luna up the mountain as the fluids drain from her body. "need water" "what do you think this is, hoenn?! keep moving"
"well this is as far as i can take you; inside this cave is a deadly trial only able to be completed by the bravest of souls" "this trial is no match for lillie!!! luna go and complete that trial" Lillie drags Luna into the cave. With Hapu descending the mountain, Luna's sinuses clear up. "I CAN BREATHE" "luna you're not here to breathe you're here to help lillie!!!" Luna and Torracat pass the trial, and are dragged forward by Lillie. "here we are; the altar of the eclipse" "uh cool" "now i need you to stand over there while i stand here and we will both play these two flutes at once" "i don't know how to play-" Lillie slaps Luna across the face. "DID I SAY YOU COULD TALK BACK TO LILLIE?!" Lillie puts a leash around Luna's neck and un-handcuffs them. Luna and Lillie stand on opposite platforms and play their flutes, turning Cosmoem into Solgaleo, and opening a portal to Ultra Space. Guzma and Lusamine fly out of the portal and crash into the earth. "OUR HEROES HAVE RETURNED!!!" Lillie yanks Luna's leash, dunking her into the glowing hot water. Necrozma appears, and fuses itself with Solgaleo and opens hundreds of portals to Ultra Space around the Alola region.

CHAPTOUR TEN:
A portal opens in front of Hau and a Blacephalon pops out. "BURN BABY BURN DISCO INFERNO" "THE 70s WERE NEARLY FIFTY YEARS AGO FUCK OFF" "BURN BABY BURN BURN THE MOTHER DOWN"
A portal opens in front of Olivia and a Buzzwole pops out. "CHECK OUT MY SICK GAINS BRO" "THERE IS NO WAY THOSE GAINS ARE LEGIT"
A portal opens in front of Nanu and a Guzzlord pops out. "I HUNGER" "really? why do you people bother me with this bullshit"
A portal opens in front of Hapu and a Xurkitree pops out, then immediately retreats due to the stench emanating from her.
Luna pulls out Torracat's Pokéball, but Lillie yanks the leash again. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING" "DON'T DO THAT YOU MIGHT HURT COSMOG" Necrozma unleashes a devastating Sunsteel Strike on Lillie, killing her instantly. "THANK YOU NECROZMA let's be best friends forever" Necrozma winds up another attack, this time for Luna. "i'm sorry it had to be like this GO TORRACAT USE uh FLARE BLITZ" "NOOOOOO NOT FIRE!!! MY ONE WEAKNESS!!!" "really? you fused with the SUN legendary and you're weak to fire?" As Necrozma leaves the altar, Alola is shrouded in darkness. The Ultra Recon Squad ascends to the altar, dismayed. "i guess alola is doomed ah well onto the next one" "but WAIT what if I, LUSAMINE!!!, were to defeat necrozma?!" "uh didn't we already try that" "i was only using 10% of my power in that fight" "..." "..." "why" "you people just don't understand how heroism works do you" "hey i've got a better idea what if LUNA defeats necrozma like she almost just did" "it would be cooler if i did it" "i don't know about you guys but i believe in lusamine"

CHAPTOUR ELEVEN:
Luna rides into Ultra Space on the back of Lunala, grumbling to herself. "at least they gave me one of their awesome uniforms" Soon, Luna arrives in ULTRA MEGAOPOLIS. "welcome traveller to ULTRA MEGAOPOLIS" "this place is awesome!!!" "hey do you know a human named lusamine? she owes me 20 bucks"
Luna ascends the tallest tower in all of Ultra Megaopolis to find Necrozma, who transforms into a dragon. "OKAY LET'S DO THIS SHIT GO TORRACAT" Torracat is instantly knocked the fuck out. "... SHIT" Luna thinks and thinks, and comes up with a cheese strategy. "OKAY GO PIKIPEK OR WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS USE TOXIC" The level 3 Pikipek survives a hit due to its focus sash, and uses toxic. Soon, after sacrificing five random low-level Pokémon to Necrozma's attacks, Luna finally defeats it. "wow hero good job i guess" "good news hero; this poipole here loves cheese so he wants to come with you to get some more" "neat"

CHAPTOUR TWELVE:
"hey are you here for the final trial?" "yeah i came this far i may as well finish" "okay so for this one you've got to backtrack all around alola and have the Pokémon battles against the trial captains you wish you'd had the first time" "of course"
After completing the final trial, Luna reluctantly heads to Exeggutor Island to face Hapu in the final grand trial. The Exeggutor have all passed out from the stench. "greetings challenger" "TAKE A FUCKING BATH YOU DISGUSTING GREMLIN" "NEVER!!! GO MUDSDALE" "GO TORRACAT" Luna defeats Hapu in battle, and shoves her into the ocean, pouring a bottle of liquid soap all over her. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" Hapu's soiled skin returns to its natural glistening white, and the pile of gunk that had covered her eyebrows falls into the ocean. "DAMN YOUUUUUUUUUUU"

CHAPTOUR THIRTEEN:
After finally braving Victory Road, Luna arrives at the newly-built Alolan Pokémon League. "oh good luna you're here; now that lillie is dead, it's time for us all to achieve our dreams at the new ALOLAN POKéMON LEAGUE" "oh man oh man" "we even got an authentic gym friend!!!" "OH BOY" Luna rushes into the Pokémon League building and hears an angelic voice. "YO CHAMP IN THE MAKING welcome to the Pokémon league!!! good luck!!!" "oh how i have waited to hear those beautiful words" Luna enters the challenge room and swiftly defeats Molayne, Olivia, Acerola, and even Kahili, who is grateful that Lillie Adventures have finally come to an end.
Luna heads up to the champion's room, and takes a seat upon the throne. "NOT SO FAST LUNA" Hau hucks his Pokéball at Luna's head. "OW FUCK" "YOU ARE NOT GOING TO STEAL THE CHAMPION CROWN FROM ME LIKE YOU DID LITTEN I SWEAR TO TAPU WHATSHISFACE" "bring it on kid" "GO DECIDUEYE" "GO TORRACAT" Luna's overleveled Torracat sweeps Hau's team. "oh goddammit"

HALL OF FAME:
Torracat (level 100)
Poipole (level 40)
Pikipek (level 3)
Ledyba (level 3)
Spinarak (level 3)
Pichu (level 3)

CHAPTOUR FOURTEEN:
Lusamine stands in front of the cameras, doing what she was born to do. "and thanks to me, LUSAMINE!!!, the threat posed by necrozma is gone forever!!! no more will ultra wormholes trouble our region!!!" "DID YOU JUST SAY TROUBLE?! WELL I SAY MAKE IT DOUBLE" "TO PROTECT THE WORLD FROM DEVASTATION" "TO UNITE ALL PEOPLES WITHIN OUR NATION" "TO DENOUNCE THE EVILS OF TRUTH AND LOVE" "TO EXTEND OUR REACH TO THE STARS ABOVE" "GRUNT" "OTHER GRUNT" "TEAM RAINBOW ROCKET BLASTS OFF AT THE SPEED OF REFRACTED LIGHT" "SURRENDER NOW OR PREPARE TO FIGHT" "meowth meowth meowth" "WOBBUFFET" Team Rainbow Rocket charges in and bowls Lusamine over, taking over the Aether Foundation's castle. "i, LUSAMINE!!!, am NOT going to lose MY castle to some fucking PRIDE PARADE" Lusamine charges in after Team Rainbow Rocket.
"i've got to protect lusamine!!!" Luna rushes over to the Aether Paradise, and is confronted by Team Rainbow Rocket grunts. "YO IT'S YOUR BOY GUZMA LET'S TAKE DOWN THESE FOOLS" Luna and Guzma take down the grunts in their way. "does this mean i can join team skull now?!" "uh kid i disbanded team skull" "then reband it you fucking asshole"

CHAPTOUR FIFTEEN:
"hello child i am maxie leader of team magma; our goal is to expand the landmass" "uh why" "have you SEEN some of the shit that lives deep beneath the ocean?!" "fair point" "thanks to the leader of team rainbow rocket, i, MAXIE, learned that it is not the blue orb but the RED ORB that would help me control the red creature living in the red lava!!!" "..." "..." "you some kind of retard?" Maxie glares at Luna. "GO GROUDON" "GO TORRACAT" Maxie is swiftly defeated.
"arrrrgh matey i be archie cap'n of team aqua; our goal is to expand the seas" "disgusting" "arrrrgh them be fightin' words!!! thanks to the leader of team rainbow rocket, i be learnin' that is not be the red orb but it be the BLUE ORB which be helpin' me control the blue creature that be livin' in the blue sea!!!" "..." "..." "you ride in on the short bus with that maxie guy?" Archie glares at Luna. "GO KYOGRE" "GO TORRACAT" Archie is swiftly defeated.

CHAPTOUR SIXTEEN:
Luna steps into the next room, which has a bunch of arrows on the floor. "weirdest set of tiles i've ever seen" Luna steps onto an arrow, and is shot off like a rocket at a wall. Eventually, she spins and careens into the next room. "Hello, child." Luna violently throws up on the man introducing himself. He appears unfazed. "My name is Cyrus. I am the leader of Team Galactic. My goal is to rid the world of spirit." "oh yeah i HATE pep rallies" "They are the worst, aren't they?" "so uh are you going to let me pass or" "We'd better battle, just to be safe." "okay okay, fine" "Go, Dialga." "GO TORRACAT" Cyrus is swiftly defeated.
"hello child i am lysandre leader of team flare; our goal is to protect the beauty in this world!!!" "oh that sounds nice" "BY KILLING EVERYONE ELSE" "..." "..." "honestly, it's refreshing to have an evil team leader just be straight-up psychopathic" "GO YVELTAL" "GO TORRACAT" Lysandre is swiftly defeated.

CHAPTOUR SEVENTEEN:
"so we meet at last child i am giovanni leader of team rocket and now team rainbow rocket" "ha gay" "what did you just say to me" "you heard me, faggot" "child you don't-" "come on your symbol is a rainbow R, and your evil plan involved redecorating the castle; you are a prancing la la homo man" "SILENCE CHILD GO MEWTWO" "GO TORRACAT" Giovanni is swiftly defeated. "just what i'd expect from a sodomite" His fury unmatched, Giovanni grabs Luna by the throat. "the truth hurts doesn't it, degenerate?" While Giovanni is distracted, Lusamine beats him over the head with a blunt object. "do not fear, citizen!!! i, LUSAMINE!!!, have saved you!!!" "hey thanks"
THE END